Will and Grace s09e13 Episode Script

1 "Will and Grace" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
What? I wasn't doing anything.
Huh.
Well, I know you weren't looking at porn because the fish ain't jumping and the cotton ain't high.
I clicked on a link that said "Ten Pictures of Gay Men Laughing with Salads" and somehow ended up on my ex-boyfriend's Instagram page.
Well, she just came over to take some money, but now her interest is piqued.
- Her zipper's down.
- She knows.
[ZIPPER ZIPS.]
- So, who is it? - No.
Come on.
We all stalk our exes.
Just this morning I was checking out that big hairy one of mine who thought he was spiritual.
Oh, you mean Yogi Bear? It was impossible to keep that bear from poking around in my trashcan, if you catch my drift.
Spill it, lady.
Who is it? I was checking out Michael.
Michael? So how's he look? Better than he has a right to.
He does not look good.
That's him in my first apartment.
I was 26 when he moved in.
Tap it twice.
Hm.
There's a little heart.
What why is there a little heart? You just liked it.
I don't want to like it! I don't want him to know I was here! - Undo it! - Relax! Just tap it again, Insta-grandma.
Kill me now.
Okay, I'll get the shovel, you start the car.
Ellen's niece invited me to her baby shower.
Another afternoon tea, which is code for "not enough food" and a group of mommies all giving me that "I'm sorry you don't have children" hi.
Hi.
Oh, the mean girl head tilt.
The reason I had a stiff neck in high school.
Not the only reason.
I hate baby showers.
They always feel like a test I failed.
Eh, it's two hours of your life.
Besides, those women can't make you feel bad, because you are doing great.
Your business is successful.
You look fantastic.
Who am I kidding? [LAUGHING.]
It's gonna be awful.
I RSVP'd for the both of us.
[LAUGHING.]
[UPBEAT TRUMPET AND PIANO MUSIC.]
One pound of prosciutto, one pound of mortadella, five types of cheese, from mild to stinky, big vat of coleslaw almost done.
You ordering a deli platter? Having phone sex with Stan.
Two rashers of bacon.
Oh.
Oh, that did it.
Good for you, honey.
You finished.
Karen, I have the most exciting news in the world, and you're never gonna guess what it is.
[GASPS.]
Give me a hint.
You said Hell would freeze over before this happened.
Jack, you got an acting job! Oh, honey, I'm so proud of you! I have a featured co-starring role on "Shades of Blue," acting with my BFFF best famous friend forever Jennifer Lopez! Your best famous friend forever who hasn't spoken to you in ten years, changed her email, phone number, and address, and returned the creepy fan art you painted? - Yes, that's the one! - [SQUEALS.]
Jenny from the Blocked-me-on-all-social-media.
I'll be playing the challenging role of "Corp-say.
" You mean "corpse"? I have a feeling he's Spanish.
Well, honey, every role I've ever seen you play has been completely lifeless.
You were born to play this role! I just have a petite vanilla scone favor to ask of you.
If my scene shoots at the same time I'm teaching my acting class at the rec center, could you watch the kids for me? Jackie, I love you more than anybody in the whole wide world.
Of course, I won't.
Thanks, Karen.
You're the best.
Kids! Okay, over there.
Over there.
Um, they're working on the musical "Annie," okay? So just run their lines with them, sing, blah blah blah.
I'll be back before their parents pick them up.
Okay, bye, sexual! Crap.
Then again, where there's kids there's Adderall.
[UPBEAT PIANO MUSIC.]
We are out of here in 20 minutes.
Whoa.
I don't know if I'm talking to Rhoda Morgenstern or Axl Rose.
This is a good baby gift, right? Aren't you supposed to get something bigger they can grow into? So why don't I just buy it a suit? Glass of wine before we go? I just know the second that I walk into that baby shower, Ellen's gonna be all, "Hey, Grace.
How's work?" Let's say for a second that you don't want to ruin the party, uh, you may want to try what my family does.
Your family doesn't say anything.
Exactly.
See, when a Truman is seething with rage, we simply jot down the worst possible thing we could say.
- Then read it out loud? - No.
- Mail it? - No.
Oh, hide it somewhere so they find it in, like, spring? No.
No.
We we take those terrible thoughts, crumple them up, stuff them in our pockets.
- So WASP-y.
- Mm-hmm.
- That works? - It does.
I can't imagine hugging my mom at Christmas and not hearing the crackling of a crumpled paper in her pocket.
So weird and so cold.
I'm gonna try it.
- Oh, thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
[PAPER CRACKLES.]
[PAPER CRACKLES.]
Sweetie, you're not easy.
[UPBEAT PIANO MUSIC.]
- Excuse me? - Hm.
[FLICKS WRIST.]
[PILL WHOOSHING.]
Ah.
Hey-ho! What? How long do we have to stay in that office? It's really hot and stuffy.
Oh, honey, I feel for you, but you're doing scenes from "Diary of Anne Frank," where everyone hides quietly in the attic.
We're doing "Annie.
" Well, they're both adopted by bald millionaires and had scrappy little dogs! Well, Mr.
McFarland said that we were gonna Well, Mr.
McFarland is not here, is he? - [ELEVATOR DINGS.]
- Uh-oh, better hurry back.
The Nazis could be here any minute.
- [STOMPING FEET.]
- Oh, no, here they come.
So shut-enzee mouth and close-enzee door.
I got your 80 feet of red velvet curtains and six boxes of tassels.
Wait a minute, they were supposed to be cut to size with the tassels attached.
Look at the form.
"Do you want the tassels attached?" Checked no.
"Do you want the fabric cut?" Checked no.
And this one.
"For the last time, do you want the tassels attached or the fabric cut?" Also checked no.
Signed "Karen Walker.
" Okay, let's agree that mistakes were made on both sides.
But these need to be delivered to the hotel bar today! I don't have time to ship these to a sweatshop in Malaysia.
Where am I supposed to find tiny, nimble hands to cut and sew? Look at this place.
It's like prom, but the pregnancy's out in the open.
Is it clear enough Rose Mary's having a girl? Why don't they just hang vaginas from this Hi, Ellen! - Hi! - How are you? - Hey.
- Hi.
- [KISSES.]
You look great.
- Oh, thanks.
It's all duct tape and scaffolding.
I am so jealous of women without kids who have time to exercise.
Excuse me, I hardly ever exercise.
That's a weird brag.
Grace, how's work? Just one second.
[SOFT CHUCKLE.]
[PEN CLICKS.]
Work's great.
Um, what are you writing? Oh, just something for work.
If I don't write it down, I'll forget it.
Oh, I'd say you have "Mom brain" but But I'm not a mom! [LAUGHING.]
Look what I wrote.
Wow, I didn't think you were allowed to say that anymore.
Women can still say it.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Hello.
Yeah, I deserved that.
"Hello" was a big ask.
No.
No-no-no-no, oh! [EXHALES.]
What? Nothing.
Probably fantasy sports.
Fantasy sports are literally so dumb.
Fantasy sports make me want to actually die.
It's not fantasy sports.
I missed a call from an ex I haven't spoken to in 15 years.
Oh.
Did she leave a message? "He.
" And no, no message.
BOTH: Oh! He's totally breadcrumbing you.
"Breadcrumbing"? Yeah, like when you want to flirt but you want to keep the power.
So you put a little bread crumb out to get them to come to you like a little bunny.
Like Braedon does to you all the time, Ilana.
He does not, Brianna! Well, that is not what this is.
And I am definitely not a little bunny.
[SOFT SCOFF.]
But but if if some guy was breadcrumbing you, what what would you do? I for sure don't call him back.
Or text.
And I won't Snap him.
At most, you can like one of his pics on Insta.
What if you already did? By accident.
And and the post was from three years ago? Shut up.
You deep-liked him? - I don't know, maybe.
- What what's "deep-like" mean? When you like something from deep in your crush's feed.
I deep-liked him so hard.
This is bad.
But but I unliked the photo immediately, so, you know, unless he was he was looking at his account the moment it happened.
I mean, it's just coincidence he called today, right? Brianna? Ilana? If his notifications are on, he knew the second you deep-liked him.
That's why he breadcrumbed you.
Oh, God, I'm a little bunny.
No matter how many times I do this, it never gets easier.
Are you ready? We found his body under the Williamsburg Bridge Do you remember me? Who is this? Why is this corpse talking? - You don't remember me.
- That it's okay.
It's a little hurtful, but You meet a lot of people.
So do I.
I remembered you, but whatever.
Let's just go again.
Let's just go again.
Whoever you are, you're supposed to be a corpse so you shouldn't be talking.
Of course.
That's a good note.
Thank you.
[CLAPPERBOARD CLACKS.]
Are you ready? [SOFT CRYING.]
Backup dancer? Cut it! Summer of ought-four? Waiting for tonight Is this Liotta's nephew? [CLAPPERBOARD CLACKS.]
[SOFT CRYING.]
I'm sorry, just, quick question.
Her son just died.
Would Mom have this much time for a wash and set? [CLAPPERBOARD CLACKS.]
We are going to find whoever did this to your son.
[CRACKS UP LAUGHING.]
- What - [LAUGHING.]
I'm so sorry.
Good one for the gag reel, though.
[LAUGHING.]
I'm sorry, back to one.
Back to one.
[CLAPPERBOARD CLACKS.]
I promise you, we're gonna find whoever did this to your son, and when we do, we'll [CLAPPERBOARD CLACKS.]
This is how you do it, jackass.
You know my name? She knows my name.
[UPBEAT PIANO MUSIC.]
I mean, am I wrong? There's no boyfriends in any of Michael's pictures recently.
So who took this one at his birthday? - It's a selfie.
- Look at his shoulder.
That's why it's cropped all weird.
[SCOFFS.]
He was alone on his birthday.
Shut up.
Will, these women are so much more hateful and judgmental and passive-aggressive than I ever could have dreamed possible.
And I am loving it! Look.
Wow, you're like the world's most obvious shoplifter.
Being a WASP is awesome.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Poor Michael.
It's so sad when old people are single and alone.
He's not that old.
And there's nothing sad about being single unless being single makes you sad.
Um, literally, what? I'm just saying, I'm not in a relationship and I'm fine.
Besides, even if I met someone now, how long till we move in together and then get married and then start a family? The math isn't great.
Maybe that's why you're lurking this Michael guy so hard.
Because you have history, so you can skip all that.
Huh.
Instant serious relationship.
[EXHALES.]
It's just like me and Braedon.
Shut up about Braedon, Ilana.
You guys kissed once in a play in seventh grade! There were four performances, Brianna! So, what happens if you don't pick up the bread crumbs? The possibility goes away.
Then you have to start all over with somebody new.
[SIGHS.]
Dating is so stupid.
It's the actual worst.
I literally hate it so much.
[UPBEAT PIANO MUSIC.]
This one's your best.
Hey, Kar'.
[GASPS.]
Poodle, how'd it go? I left due to creative differences.
I, uh I wanted to stay and they wanted me to leave, so.
But at least I learned a I, Tonya Harding! what's going on here? I'm bringing jobs back to America.
You turned your office into a sweatshop? Karen, their parents are gonna be here at 4:30 expecting to see a scene from "Annie.
" I gotta rehearse these kids! You're not rehearsing those kids.
Those curtains need to be sewn by 5:00! Well, then we have a problem, because there is literally no way we can do both at the same time.
Or is there? ALL: It's the hard-knock life for us It's the hard-knock life for us Very believable.
The orphans really seem mistreated.
ALL: It's a hard-knock life! I tell you, with three teenage boys and a husband, there's not a moment in the day where someone's not masturbating.
[LAUGHTER.]
Tell me about it.
- What do you mean? - You don't have kids.
Yeah, but I know about masturbating teenagers.
I have nothing to add to this.
Your name's Morgan, right? Thank you.
Oh oh, no.
No.
Do I call Michael back just in case future me might possibly want to keep that door open? And I'm asking Brianna, 'cause I totally know what Ilana's gonna say.
If you call him back, you're boyfriends again.
Huh.
My feelings are gone.
- My feelings are gone! - Mazel tov! Put a gin and tonic in your hands, start raising show beagles, and you're my mother.
No, no.
No, the awful things that I have been writing are gone.
They must have fallen out of my sweater.
- My God, this is all your fault.
- How is it my fault? Because you made me write my feelings like a WASP instead of eating them like a Jew! Relax, I'm sure somebody threw them out.
Hey, everybody.
Gather round.
It's time to read the wishes for the baby.
Rose Mary, get up here.
- Oh, God.
- There's no reason to think that your notes are in there.
Just don't panic.
I found a bunch under that sweater.
Okay, you can start panicking now.
So the way the game works is that we all have to guess who wrote what.
So I'm just gonna pick one and read it out loud.
Oh, no-no-no, but but if you say a wish out loud, it won't come true, right? [SOFT LAUGH.]
That's just for birthdays, Grace.
Did I tell you or what? "Health, happiness, and a long life.
" ALL: Aww.
I I'm guessing that's not one of yours.
I think I know who wrote that one.
Grandma? Oh! [LAUGHTER.]
Grandma.
Okay, next one.
Oh why go on? I mean, how do you top health and happiness? The answer is you can't.
Game over.
Grandma won.
Go, Grandma! Okay, okay, hang on, Grace.
We have a whole bowl full of beautiful wishes for the baby, like "Rot in Hell, you smug little puke.
" Who would write that to a baby, Grandma? I think we can all agree that she has ruined this game for everyone.
"If I have to hear another story about an episiotomy, I'm gonna rip someone a new ass "okay.
I'm no longer on your side.
If they offer a deal, I'm taking it.
At least they don't know it's me.
"Two drunk teens can make a kid in five minutes.
It took me years to make Grace Adler Designs.
" Grandma! Okay, it was me.
It was me.
I wrote them.
Yeah, we know, Grace.
But you weren't supposed to read them.
I I am so, so sorry.
It's just that baby showers are hard for me, you know? Because I know that you're all thinking, "How could she be fulfilled without children?" Well, how about travel? Travel is fulfilling.
Even though I hate to travel.
With all the schlepping and how it screws with your digestion.
Hand to God, two weeks in Italy, not once.
I guess I guess just what I'm trying to say is I am feeling really judged.
You feel judged? [SOFT SCOFF.]
I feel like you judge me, Grace.
Every time you see me, you're always, "How are the kids?" Like that's all I am.
I don't think that.
Try telling people you've got a master's in chemistry and spend the day making homemade slime.
Oh, my God! Why do we keep doing this to ourselves? I mean, look, if I wanted kids, I would've had kids.
I mean, there a million ways to do it, you know? Adoption, surrogacy, whatever Ellen did.
I mean, back me up, you were like 100 when you had your last kid.
You know, Rob's always like, "We don't see Will and Grace enough," and I'm always, "We see them the right amount.
" I think what I'm trying to say is I'm happy.
Which means that I made the right choices.
And if you're happy, that means you did too.
And we should be applauding each other.
I have an actual, actual wish for this baby.
I hope that whatever she chooses to do with her life, that she never has one second of worrying about what other people think.
To Rosemary's baby.
It's Rose Mary.
Babe, no one's taking that pause.
To being happy with our choices and having everything we need.
- Lehayim.
- [GLASSES CLINK.]
BOTH: Aww.
- [KISSES.]
Oh, I love you.
- Love you.
All right, let's go eat cake.
[SOFT LAUGHTER.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Oh, my God, you look so bummed right now.
And you didn't toast.
I'm not sure I have everything I need.
- He's gonna call Michael.
- Obvi.
- Can I have your wine? - No.
Uh, do you have any weed? No.
How awesome was I just now? You know what, I'm happy I came to this baby shower.
It clarified some stuff.
Yeah.
For me, too.
Let's get out of here before everyone sees that I bought the kid a 12-pack of irregular onesies from Canal Street.
Hey, um, uh, I'll I'll catch up.
Okay.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Hey, uh, Michael, it's, uh it's Will.
You're totally texting Braedon.
I am not, Brianna!