Everybody Loves Raymond s09e14 Episode Script

- Hey.
Good morning.
- Hey.
When did you finally come to bed? 'Cause l thought you were coming right up, but then l fell asleep.
Yeah, the game-- it went into double overtime.
- lt was amazing.
- Oh.
'Cause l thought we had plans.
Sorry.
God - Did you catch the end of that game? - Oh, it was amazing.
- See? - All right.
Well, l'll let you boys talk about your exciting sports.
l just hope there's not a game on tonight.
- Huh.
- What? l think she just gave me the look.
What do you mean? You know Sex.
That face means sex? l thought it meant gas.
She does it better, okay? Yeah, l know when Amy's in the mood, 'cause she always gives me this sexy little sideways smile.
l think Amy's saying ''Hurry up and get it over with.
'' Your mother's got a look too, which is why after sunset l avoid all eye contact.
lt's weird, though.
lt's weird.
Okay, last night l got the look but l got caught up in the game so l stayed up to watch it instead of going upstairs.
And now instead of being mad Debra gave me the look again.
Huh.
Maybe-- maybe l should turn her down again, you know? Why would you do a silly thing like that? l don't know.
l'm always the one being shot down.
lt felt good, her wondering where l was last night.
You can't turn her down.
l could too turn her down! Oh, come on, you follow her around like a dog with his tongue hanging out.
Yeah, your tongue is the leash she uses to parade you around the park.
Ladies and gentlemen, worst in show! Yeah, well, then maybe that's why l should turn her down-- so she doesn't take me for granted.
You know? l mean, she's gotta appreciate what she's got here.
Yes, you're quite a catch.
l can hardly keep my hands of you.
Come on, come on! Stupid.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Oh, l left the hallway light on.
l'll be right back.
l can say no.
l can say no.
You already asleep? Huh? What? You must be tired.
Oh, yeah, l'm kind of beat.
l just-- l got a lot of stuf going on.
Maybe tomorrow.
Really? Yeah.
Okay.
Well, 'night.
Yeah.
Good night.
Where were you, man? Come on, let's go.
l don't think l'm gonna go hit balls today.
What-- what? Oh, what, did the wife say you can't go? No no, just a little stif, that's all.
Oh, so it's a medical decision you're making to stay here and help Amy pick out drapes.
Ah, drapes.
lf there's any material left over, why don't you make yourself a little skirt? l'm still gonna go, and you know what? l may go tomorrow because l can do whatever l want.
What do you mean? You thought l couldn't turn down Debra, right? Two times, my friend! Last night l told her that l had a lot of work to do today.
Work! And then-- and then first thing this morning, she started hinting again.
She even brushed her teeth and everything, but no sale! lt's amazing.
lt's like every time l turn her down, she seems to want it more.
She's like a guy.
And she's not getting upset? No no, that's just it.
She's been treating me better all day.
l came in this morning-- she was making me a cheese omelet.
She hasn't done that since before Ally was born.
l mean, yeah, it had shells in it, but still You know what l've discovered? The power of ''no.
'' ''The power of no''-- give me a break.
Hey, who gets to hit a bucket of balls in the middle of the day? Yeah, well, that's just the diference between me and you, Raymond: you like to golf by yourself and have a crappy omelet while l prefer sex.
- No.
- Yes.
No.
No, man, you're not getting it.
Debra can't keep her hands of me.
lt's like with the power of ''no'' comes the power of ''yes.
'' Uh-huh.
For the first time in my marriage l finally know what it's like to be the one wearing the panties.
You have a wrong and generally troubled relationship.
No no no, l don't.
lt's very right.
Let me ask you something: why do you always feel the need to be manipulative when it comes to sex? Because l'm not very good at it.
- You're not very good at what? - Oh, you name it.
Listen, Robert-- he can't go hit balls, but l was thinking that l'd still go.
- Yeah, sure, go.
Have a good time.
- All right.
Hey, you know what? They got a great hot-dog guy there.
You want me to bring you back one? No, l shouldn't.
l gotta watch my figure.
Hey, you let me be the one to watch your figure.
''Let me watch your figure''? That's not funny.
That's right, it's not, and yet it is! Because she is weak-- weak for my physique.
Okay.
- Oh, don't those look nice? - Yeah.
l don't know why Robert had such a hard time putting them up yesterday.
Well, he can't handle normal-sized tools with those giant fingers.
Here, push that curtain over a little so we don't see his blood.
So what do you think, Deb? Yeah, they look great.
Debra dear, you're being so quiet.
That's not like you.
No, l'm fine.
lt's just - do l look diferent to you? - What do you mean? l don't know, l'm just feeling Have l drooped? Drooped? You try to work out and take care of yourself, yet there still comes a day when everything just l wouldn't know about that.
Stop it, Deb.
You look great.
You know how my friends and l keep fit? Water aerobics at the ''Y.
'' Say, why don't you come with us tomorrow? Oh, l'll have to check and see if l'm free.
Oh, we'll have a ball! Let me go look for an extra pair of nose clips and a swim cap.
Debra, you're really upset about this.
Ray keeps turning me down.
- What do you mean? Sex? - Yeah.
That doesn't sound like him.
He usually follows you around with his tongue hanging out.
l know.
l'm sure it's not you.
- Hey, maybe he's sick.
- Nah.
l wish he was, but, oh, man, who am l kidding? l should just go with Marie to the ''Y,'' put on a flowery swim cap and float around with the old ladies.
You know, it's funny-- you bringing this up, because last night when Robert and l went to bed he was acting kind of distant too.
But then l just kissed his neck and he said, ''Ray's crazy.
'' - He did? - Yeah.
And then he said something about how l could have all the power.
lt was weird.
He usually doesn't like to mention Ray in the bedroom.
He says it inhibits him.
''The power''? l mean, why would he--? Oh.
What? Oh my God.
Oh my God! He has been turning me down on purpose! Oh, no.
Why would he do that? For the power! He thinks it gives him the upper hand or something.
Well, that's gross.
Hey, but look on the bright side.
- This means you're still hot.
- Of course l am! The worst part about this is that it worked.
l've been trying to make myself look better for him.
Do you know l did all for some guy whose stomach looks like a deflated clown balloon? Oh, boy.
You're gonna kill him, aren't you? No.
No, l want him alive.
- Hey, Jimmyjack! - Hey! - How was work? - Good.
Where are the kids? - l sent them over to the Parkers.
- Why? l wanted them out of the house.
Oh, yeah? l didn't think it would be appropriate for the children to see what l was going to do to you.
Oh, gosh.
Really, Deb? Right now? l don't know.
l've got a lot to do.
Really, Deb, l think-- You're just so powerful.
Yeah yeah, well-- l just can't resist a man with so much power.
Okay, look, l'm really starting to feel a little uncomfortable-- - What's with you? - Robert told Amy why you've been turning me down.
l hate that guy! So you were just toying with me? Getting me to beg for sex-- that makes you feel good?! No! No, l don't know.
l just-- l guess l wanted to see what it was like to be the one being pursued for once.
But you made me feel terrible about myself! You just kept rejecting me.
How could you do that to somebody? What? You had me convinced l was a fat, ugly old lady! Well, now you know how l feel! You feel bad because l turned you down, what, three times? Try being rejected for the last 10 years.
How do you think that feels? You're looking at the president of the fat, ugly old ladies' club.
Welcome! Have a donut! There is no way l turned you down that much.
And l say yes a lot! Exactly.
You say yes and you say no.
You're-- you're the bouncer in front of the disco who decides who gets in and who doesn't.
And for once it was you standing outside.
Yeah, and you couldn't take it.
Yeah, it's cold out there, isn't it, standing in the rain with your bad shirt and your acne pimples? There is no way you can compare me turning you down with what you did to me! Listen, Ray, if l turn you down, it is because l am exhausted from taking care of three kids all day and thinking of everything that l have to do the next day! Still using the kids, huh? Oh my God, l can't believe l ever wanted to have sex with you! Well, you don't have to worry because l'm not sure the next time you're getting sex from me.
Oh, you're threatening me with no sex? Please.
You will be saying ''please''-- ''pretty please with sugar on top.
'' Ha! Ha! l'm serious.
l don't know when l'll be in the mood again.
You are always in the mood.
You wouldn't last a night.
l just did three nights, Lady Pantaloons.
Okay? So we'll see who can't last.
Oh my, how will l ever resist my baser instincts? l like that.
l like the Southern thing.
That'll be good when you come back saying, ''Pretty please with sugar on top.
'' Okay, well, good ni-- Oh my God, are those silk? l believe they're satin.
You wanna feel? That's quite all right.
What's with all your lacy apparel? Nothing.
lt's just pajamas.
Good night.
Yeah.
Yeah yeah, l'm a little tired too.
Did you put oil on? No.
lt's just my natural juices.
What are you doing? Me? What, did you have my mom put your makeup on? No sex for you! No sex for you.
All right, you win! - What? - l give up! l am oficially asking you to please have some sex with me.
- What are you talking about? - Our thing! Our not having sex thing! Are we still doing that? Of course we're still doing it.
lt's been 26 days of doing it-- not doing it.
l'm sorry.
l totally forgot.
Yeah, right! l mean, l can't believe it, but really, l totally forgot.
Please.
You expect me to believe that you didn't realize that we-- we went 26 days without having sex? lt's just l've been really busy, you know-- the P.
T.
A.
fundraiser's coming up and l've just had a lot on my mind.
You weren't even trying.
Guess l was never really close to having the power, was l? Sorry.
All this time, l-- l thought you were doing all those little things to torture me.
- What things? - Forget it.
- No, come on.
- You know like biting your lower lip when you use the remote to change the channel.
- l do that? - Yeah! How about when you keep one of your legs outside of the covers and the pajama rides up it? - lt's just because l'm hot.
- Yes, you are! Even when you sleep, every so often you kind of sigh a little.
You haven't slept much lately, have you? No.
Even now look at you, with your hair like that, sitting there in your robe.
But l'm a mess.
Yeah, well, l guess even when you're not trying, it still works.
What? What are you doing? You just got a little of your power back.
Whoa, wait wait.
Are you toying with me? Because if you are, l'm just gonna start to cry.
l've been waiting for this for a long time too, Ray.
And by the way, it's been 27 days, not 26.
Oh, you do re-- --member! Good morning! - Morning, kids.
- What are you doing here? We live here.
No no no! Hey, you guys can make breakfast yourselves, right? 'Cause Daddy has to talk to Mommy upstairs about something.
- Ray.
- Eh?