Friends s09e14 Episode Script

- Morning, roomie.
- Hey! You remembered to put clothes on this morning.
Fifth day's a charm.
It's so great to be back here.
You're making it so easy on me and Emma.
It's great having you back.
Stay as long as you want.
And when does she stop crying all night? Hey! You're not naked.
Rach, when will we expect to see you tonight? Probably around 6.
But she's in the bedroom, all ready to go.
But she fell back to sleep, so She's probably exhausted from all that adorable screaming she did last night.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Hey, I hope Emma isn't making it too hard on you.
No, hey, it's been great.
I just want you to know that with Rachel staying here all my feelings from before are totally over.
And even if they weren't when you walk in on a woman using a breast pump - Yeah, that'll do it.
- Wow! So how are you? - I'm okay.
- Really? Sure.
I mean, do I wish me and Rachel living together would have worked out? Of course.
You know, I'm disappointed, but it's not like it's a divorce.
- Well, actually it - It's not a divorce.
It is not a divorce! Anyway, I think Rachel and I need to get on with our lives.
Maybe start seeing other people.
Wow.
Really? Sure, why not? In fact, if you know anyone that'd be good for me? - Sure.
I know lots of girls.
- Any names come to mind? Names? The One With the Blind Date mrnch@dh.
net.
mk Subtitle Editor (c) Digital Higherground - Igor Janevski, 2004 - I was about to eat.
Want something? - What you got? Okay, let's see, we got strained peas, strained carrots strained plums.
We haven't tried that yet! Goody! Thanks.
So how is it living with Rachel again? I mean, apart from the great food? I'm fine, I'm fine.
It's just It's just weird what's happening with her and Ross.
Yesterday he asked me to fix him up with somebody.
Rachel asked me if I knew anyone for her too.
- Why are they doing this? - I don't know.
They're so perfect for each other.
It's crazy.
You know what's crazy? These jars.
What is there, like, two bites in here? I just wish they'd realize they should be together.
When they moved in together, I figured that's where things were headed.
They should be a family.
They should marry and have more children.
Yes.
And they should name one of their kids Joey.
I may not have kids.
Someone's got to carry on the family name.
You know what? Maybe once they start dating and see what's out there they'll realize how good they are for each other.
Yeah, because it is slim pickings.
I had this date last night.
Yuck! But we should probably keep it down, she's still in the bedroom.
So, what are we gonna do? Are we just gonna set them up with people? I know, that just pushes them further and further apart.
I know what we can do.
We could set Ross and Rachel up on horrible dates so they'll realize how good they are together.
- That's a great plan.
- Yeah.
You know what the best part of it is? I get to do my plan laugh.
Okay, shh! Not so loud.
We don't want to wake up Hi.
You guys aren't doing anything tonight, are you? See, now, why would you assume that? Just because we're married? I mean, I will have you know that we are very hip, happening people.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to reading the obituaries.
I was just asking because I need someone to watch Emma tonight.
Sure we'll do it.
What are you up to? - Well, Phoebe set me up on a date.
- Oh, my God.
- Why? What's the big deal? - I figured because you and Ross are What? Slept together a year and a half ago? Yeah, I'm all set.
I think it's great you're going on a date.
It sounds healthy.
I mean, you have needs.
Embrace your womanhood.
You want a job? Turn off "Oprah" and send out a resume.
- I'll bring her by around 7, okay? - That's perfect.
You guys are gonna have so much fun.
She's at such a cute age.
A couple things.
Now that she eats solid food, she poops around the clock.
And watch out for your hair because she likes to grab it.
She's also in this phase where if you leave the room, she screams, but Thanks, you guys.
Have fun.
Suddenly I wish I was reading my own name.
Joey, hey.
I'm so excited.
- I set Rachel up with the worst guy.
- All right.
Who is he? It's a guy I used to massage.
By "massage" I mean hold down so he wouldn't turn over and flash me.
- Wait till you hear who I got for Ross.
- Oh, yeah.
Okay.
She's this really boring woman.
She's a teacher.
- A teacher? - She's into history and foreign movies.
And she loves puzzles.
Come on, who loves puzzles? Well, Ross does.
You're ruining the plan! Joey, you fixed him up with his perfect woman.
- Oh, my God, you're right! - Yeah.
She even reads for pleasure! - How do you know a woman like that? - I'm not allowed to know smart women? - Joey? - We met at the library.
I went in to pee.
- So now what do we do? - Well, okay.
I'll call her and tell her the date's canceled and find him somebody else.
What if we don't find him somebody else? We'll just tell her the date's off but we don't tell Ross.
He'll go to the restaurant and get stood up.
I hear that's bad.
So this is great.
Rachel's gonna have a terrible date Ross gets stood up, and then they'll realize how good they have it together.
Yes, the plan.
It's not Santa's plan.
No, it's - Yeah, you know, it's not that fun.
- No, I think we killed it.
Emma? Emma, look at me! Well, I think I'll go downstairs for a while.
No, no, no! It's okay! It's okay! I didn't go! Don't cry, it's just a bit! I'm your uncle Chandler.
Funny is all I have! Okay, just so you know, I'm gonna be ovulating from tomorrow until the 6th.
So don't touch yourself for the next 48 hours.
I don't do that.
I'll try to stop.
- Did you say until the 6th? - Yeah.
Today is the 6th.
No, it's not.
Yes, it's also 2003.
Oh, my God.
Today's the 6th? I may be done ovulating! I may have also served some very questionable meat at the restaurant.
- Go take the test, see if we're okay.
- Okay.
Tough crib.
Hey, where are all my ovulation sticks? There's only one here.
I might have checked to see if I was ovulating a couple times.
I'm not working! There's not much to do around here! Excuse me.
Is there a woman waiting at the bar? Someone average height, dark hair? Or perhaps doing a puzzle? There's a drunk Chinese guy.
Well, if I'm still here in an hour, buy him a drink on me.
Can I get you another glass of wine? I don't know if I should.
I don't want to be drunk when I go home alone tonight.
- Got stood up, huh? - It's no big deal.
It's just a blind date.
Are you worried your date came, saw you and left? No! We're okay.
I'm still ovulating.
Oh, good, because as of 4:00 this afternoon, I am not.
So let's do this.
- I don't think I can.
- Oh, come on.
I know you're not 18 anymore, but give it a minute.
- Because of Emma.
- Oh, my God, Emma.
Oh, sweetie, I forgot you were here.
You're right, we can't do this.
We can't leave her alone.
Sorry.
Unless maybe we do it here.
I mean, how much can she even be aware of at this age? She's aware when we leave a room.
She may notice if we start canoodling in it.
- Canoodling? - Well, I can't say hump or screw in front of the B-A-B-Y.
I don't know, I guess having sex in front of a baby isn't so - Horrifying? Scarring? Something people go to jail for? - I guess you're right.
- You guess? At that bed-and-breakfast, we didn't have sex because you thought a deer was staring through the window.
Well, what kind of a sick bastard wants to do it in front of a deer? Wow, everything looks so good.
I think I'm gonna have the chicken.
I just have to say this.
- You're really beautiful.
- Wow, that's very sweet.
Thank you.
I'm kind of funny-looking.
- What? - Look, I mean, come on you're way out of my league.
Everybody in here knows it.
I bet that guy over there is probably saying: "Why's she out with him? He must be rich.
" Well, I'm not.
What do you think you want to order? I'm real excited about that chicken.
I'm not funny, either.
So if you were thinking, "Well, he's not that good-looking but maybe we'll have some laughs," that ain't gonna happen.
Well, come on, Steve, let's not rule out nervous laughter.
Hey, now, wait a minute, Phoebe told me that you owned your own restaurant.
That's impressive.
I lost it to drugs.
I silk-screen T-shirts now.
Really? What's that like? It's really fulfilling doing something you hate for no money.
That's right.
I have no money, I'm not funny I live in a studio apartment with two other guys.
And I'm pretty sure I'm infertile.
Now, come on.
Come on, Steve.
There must be something that you like about yourself.
I do like my hair.
Really? - Hello? - Phoebe, it's me! I'm going to hunt you down and kill you.
Hey, Rach! This is the worst date ever! How could you set me up with this creep? You know, you are talking about one of my dear, dear friends.
I don't care.
This guy is a nightmare.
All right, so he gets a little crazy when he's stoned.
- He's not stoned.
- Did he go out for a cigarette? - Yeah.
Four times.
- My dear, sweet Rach.
Well, our plan is working.
Rachel's having a miserable time and Ross is stood up somewhere at a restaurant all alone.
Pretty soon they'll be back together.
By the time anyone's figured out what we've done, we'll be in sunny Mexico.
Oh, wait, that's the end of a different plan.
She's asleep.
Chandler? - What are you doing? - Emma was doing it.
She's asleep.
- She's asleep.
That means we can - Yes.
But we have to be fast.
Oh, okay, I'll try.
- And you can't make any noise.
- Okay, I'll try.
Hello? Emma? Hey! Hi! How are you? How are you? Where are your babysitters, huh? Why is the bedroom door closed? You can't have S-E-X when you're taking care of a B-A-B-l-E.
I've got bad news.
The Chinese guy left.
If it was meant to be, it's meant to be.
Look, you got stood up.
Who cares? We're gonna show you a good time.
Sit and relax.
In fact, let me bring you a crab-cake appetizer on the house.
Wow, free crab cakes? Well, that's nice.
Although I was hoping to have sex tonight.
Just the crab cakes.
What are you doing? Are you trying to get him to stay? You can't do that.
- Just get out of here, okay? - I'm sorry, what's going on? Okay, the waiters have a little pool going.
We have a bet on how long it'll take before you give up and go home.
What?! You're making money off my misery? Well, if you stay till 9:20, I am.
This is unbelievable.
I have never been so insulted in my life.
Now, if you'll wrap up my free crab cakes, I'll be on my way.
Well, that was weird.
You were loud and I was fast.
I think we may have really done it this time.
I wish I didn't have to wait to take a pregnancy test.
You may want to get some more of those too.
Where's Emma? Oh, my God, where's Emma? Where's Emma? Don't ask me.
I was in there canoodling you.
Okay.
Okay.
I'm sure that Rachel came home early and picked up Emma.
You go look across the hall, and I'll call her cell.
You better hope we're pregnant because one way or another, we're giving a baby back to Rachel! I can't believe I'm crying in front of you.
You must think I'm so pathetic.
No, no, no, I admire a man who can cry.
- Really? - Don't touch my coat.
Sorry, that's my phone.
- Hello? - Hey, Rach, how's it going? Oh, my God, this is the worst date ever.
Oh, come on.
Look, you know what, I'm sorry, but did you really think that this was going well? - What's up? - Hey, did you stop by here? - No.
- Oh, my God! Then Thank God! Emma, there you are! What? What do you mean, "there you are"? Where was she? We were playing peekaboo.
She loves it when I'm dramatic.
- Why the hell did you take her? - Because you two were having sex! - No, we weren't.
- Don't you lie to me.
I can tell by Chandler's hair.
You are so lazy.
Can't you get on top for once? All right.
All right, we were.
We're trying to make a baby.
Monica's ovulating.
It's unacceptable that you'd have sex with Emma in the next room.
- I'll have to tell Rachel about this.
- Please don't.
She will kill us.
Hey, I gotta.
Unless Unless what? Unless you name your first-born child Joey.
- What? Why? - Hey, I may never have kids and somebody's gotta carry on my family name.
Your family name is Tribbiani.
You almost had me.
Look I think I know the answer to this question, but would you like to make love to me? Really, really not.
It's just as well.
It doesn't work anyway.
All right, well, that's good to know.
Good night, Steve.
- Hey, what's wrong? - I just had a rough night.
Crab cake? Well, what happened? This is kind of weird to talk to you about this, but Monica told me you had a blind date.
- Yeah.
- I did too.
But is it technically a date if the other person doesn't show up? Oh, no.
Do you think she walked in, saw you and left? Why does everyone keep saying that? If it makes you feel any better, I wish my date hadn't shown up.
- That bad? - Well, he makes T-shirts for a living and he thought it would be appropriate to give me this.
"Female Body Inspector"? What size is that? Now wait a minute.
So they're gonna name their first child Joey? How do I get them to name the next one after me? It's easy.
You just walk in on them having sex.
Oh, so they owe me, like, three Phoebes.
Oh, my God! Look, it's Ross and Rachel! The plan is working! Don't do the plan laugh.
The first dates we've had in months, and they were both such disasters.
You know, it is weird that Phoebe would set me up on a date that was awful on the same night Joey set you up on a date that didn't even show.
Wait a minute.
You don't think it was intentional? I mean, that's just stupid.
We're geniuses.
- Look at them! They're really bonding.
- They're falling in love all over again.
Oh, they see us.
Oh, they look mad.
They figured it out.
They're coming.
Run! - Where? - Mexico! Can you believe they're still not here? I know.
A double blind date and we both get stood up.
What are the chances? I know, I'm so bummed.
Could we have our free crab cakes now? - What? - We've been stood up.
And we want our free crab cakes.
Guys, give it a rest.
Nobody's betting on you tonight.
Although we do have a pool going to see how long it takes that guy to cry.
I have such fat hands!