Robot Chicken s09e14 Episode Script
Why Is It Wet?
1 [Whirring.]
[Theme music plays.]
[Whirring.]
Man: It's alive! [Thunder rumbles.]
You had sex with one of my wives, so you get the iron.
No, no, no, Mr.
Pennybags.
No, no! Aaaahhh! Ping, please don't die.
I've never had the chance to say "I love you.
" [Male voice.]
I love you, too.
I'm so glad you saw through my manly disguise.
- [Female voice.]
My real name is Mulan.
- Oh.
- Something wrong? - I mean yay! [Chuckles.]
So, are you, like, completely a woman, or I hope this meal is to your liking, Dora.
Thank you, Maharaja.
It is an honor to explore your kingdom.
Enjoy the chilled monkey brains.
[Screeches.]
What? It's rude if I don't even try it.
[Whimpers.]
Oh, my God.
This is so good! I mean "this poor, poor monkey.
" But mmm! It's like pâté with a nuttier flavor.
You've got to try this, Boots.
Um-yum-yum! Mmm.
I'm just being polite.
Oh, you poor little monkey.
[Screeching.]
Announcer: Hot Wheels presents the Connectors.
And, today, us brothers are gonna Together: Put it all together! Eric, which Hot Wheels piece are you gonna connect? This is the piece Mom got me on her business trip with her boss, Mr.
Gregory.
All: Put it together! Tyler, what are we connecting today? This sweet piece is from Dad, after he met the private investigator.
Bobby, what are you connecting? I got this piece after I saw Mommy leg-wrestling Mr.
Gregory's face.
And now let's Together: Put all the pieces together! Yeah! - Oh, no.
- "Diverse"? Aah! Aah! Aah! Will you all get lost?! Sorry I'm late, Bags.
Long lunch at the strip club again.
Thimble, I'm afraid we're letting you go from Monopoly.
- What?! - America voted to replace the outdated game pieces with modern ones.
You got swapped out for a pile of smiling feces.
You can't get rid of me! I've been with Monopoly since 1935! Aah! This could be good for us, babe.
I've been wanting to get back into my music.
You remember my band, Thimble and the Pricks.
[Russian accent.]
Thimble I have been having affair with Racecar.
I leave you now for him.
Do svidaniya, sucker.
[Tires screeching.]
Just drive.
Just drive.
Hey, papi.
Ever gotten a thumb job before? I throw in the Water Works for free.
- Top Hat? - Oh, Thimble! I didn't know it was you.
- Um, Top Hat, you still want to - Uh, yes.
Want me to hop in your head hole? - I'm becoming increasingly unsure about this.
- Yeah? Oh, yeah, yeah.
- Ooh, sailor.
- No.
Ow, Thimble, - I think this was a mistake.
- Brim job's the thing, right? Oh, Thimble, no.
Thimble! I can't do this.
Well, I get paid whether you pass go or not, pal.
You know what, Thimble? Everyone at Monopoly is so much more happy with that pile of shit than they ever were with you.
Oh [bleep.]
.
I always knew you were Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Thimble: I stabbed Top Hat 23 times that night.
He doesn't have any blood or vital organs, so it was fine.
But that was my rock bottom.
And I want to thank Losers Anonymous for getting me back on track.
I have a long way to go, but I know I can do it.
Uh, this is a knitting club.
[Music.]
[Circus music plays.]
I'm Julia Child, and, today, I'll demonstrate how to cook the French classic, Boeuf Bourguignon.
Aah! Aah! [Snarling.]
Aah! Get off! Get away, get away, get away! Today, I'll teach you the French way to kill and cook a zombie.
Start by shoving something big into its mouth to prevent a bite.
Don't be shy.
Shove it in there.
Huh! Yeah Next, we have the choice of fire or decapitation.
The French prefer Buffering?! Ah, come on! decapitation, as a fiery zombie running around the kitchen can be messy.
Luckily, I keep my kitchen katana handy.
And you'll want to cut from front to back to sever the spinal column.
[Screaming.]
Keep at it, now.
Cooking is not for the faint of heart.
[Screaming.]
And bon appétit.
[Music plays.]
You know, it just It never looks as good as hers.
And here's to Helen's new promotion senior administrative assistant.
- About time.
- Yo, ladies! You looking for a good slamming tonight? No, we're not.
We're trying to have a nice Pogs night out.
Obviously you've never been slammed right.
So, we pulling a four-way stack or just an intimate ménage àslam? - Could you just leave us alone? - You damn right.
Y'all some high-stacked bitches, anyway.
So, Helen, did the promotion come with a new pen? - Aah! - Oh, my God.
- S-S-S-Slammer! - Somethin' going on in here? Oh, shit.
O.
J.
Slammer.
Uh, no, man.
Everything's cool.
We cool, right, ladies? Real R-Real cool.
Oh, you think it's cool to just slam into Pogs - that don't want it? - No, O.
J.
Come on.
- Get out of here, punk! - S-S-Slammer! Thanks, O.
J.
You're the best.
No problem, ladies.
Hey, you girls want to come back to my place? - Keep the party going? - Oh really? Uh, oh.
Um - Okay.
- Helen Stay with me, Sarah.
[Sarah moaning.]
We could be together forever.
Jareth, you were supposed to restock the fingerless-glove display.
My name is The Goblin King.
- Now, Jareth.
- Oh, fine! - Aw! Are you stealing babies again? - That was there when I opened! Can I buy this SpongeBob nipple ring or not? Incoming message.
On screen, computer.
Justice League, come in.
This is the Batman.
- Great Hera! - Lex Luthor is holding the president hostage.
We have just moments to - Is this a joke? - A joke? When have you ever known me to Oh, God damn it.
Do I have a cartoon dog face? Wait.
Was that your tongue? Is that supposed to be his tongue? - That's adorable.
- Robin messed with our settings.
Goddamn teenagers.
I can't turn it off! What is that? Come again, "Dog" Knight.
Never mind! I'll handle it myself! Oh, that was priceless.
- Incoming message.
- Greetings, super fools.
As you can see, Batman is now my prisoner.
Oh, Lex, you are such a Starchild.
[Both laugh.]
- Why are they laughing? - We're Kiss.
- We're what, now? - We're the rock band, Kiss! Robin changed the settings on my goddamn communicator.
Give it to me.
We're just - There's a very serious - Oh, my God.
Oh, now your face is my face.
I can't breathe.
I can't breathe.
I can't breathe.
Oh, my God, we're both Batman.
Damn it! [Thud.]
Oh, they got rid of Vine.
Everybody's on Snapchat now.
[Ominous music plays.]
Payment to cross the River Styx.
- Here you go.
- I don't take Discover.
- Oh, um, Visa? - A gold coin! What am I gonna do with a credit card? What are you gonna do with a gold coin? Defendant is charged with the crime of bathing with thousands of naked children since 1961.
How do you plead, Mr.
Bubble? - 100% not guilty, Your Honor.
- True or false, sir You lured children into the tub by promising - "tubs of fun.
" - Well, that's a bit out of context.
You also told children and this is a direct quote "I'm fun in the tub.
Just give me a rub.
" - Correct? - But I am! I work my way into all their cracks and crevices.
[Spectators gasp.]
We find Mr.
Bubble guilty on all counts.
But who will bathe the children? [Indistinct shouting, gavel banging.]
Who will bathe the children? I am required by law to inform you I'm moving into the neighborhood.
- Hello.
- Jamie, you're filthy.
Go wash up for supper.
Sorry about that.
If only there was a way to make bathtime fun.
"If only.
" [Chuckles.]
[Laughs.]
I'll be right back out.
Make yourself at home.
[Grunts, farting.]
[Dramatic music.]
[Grunts.]
Oh, my.
Shouldn't have slammed those Gordita Crunches.
[Farting.]
[Dramatic music.]
[Straining.]
[Farting rhythmically to "Jaws" theme.]
Aah! Shark-A-Rim-Job! I think this was a shark attack, Mayor.
It must have come up through the toilet.
We have to shut down every toilet! Chief Brody, Amity depends on the Toilet Bowl Convention for tourism.
What happened here was a plumbing accident.
Are we gonna make it? Are we gonna save E.
T.
? [Sirens blaring.]
- Hey! - I'll shoot! - Whoa! - Wow.
Cool.
Yeah! [Rifles cock.]
- Oh! - Ouch! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! [Music.]
Hello.
I'm Rita Repulsa, enemy of the Power Rangers.
Are you unhappy with your penis size? [Laughs.]
I can help with Rita's Magic Wand Natural Male Enhancer.
What do you think you're doing? The mortgage on our Moon Palace is due.
I'm starting a side business unless you think you'll be conquering Earth any time soon.
I-I-I Don't use my name.
All right? As I was saying, Rita's Magic Wand Natural Male Enhancer really works.
Just call me when you need help, and I'll make your penis grow.
- So, what happens again? - I'm supposed to say, "Rita, make my penis grow," and then Ohh! What the Oh, my God! I take it back.
I take it back.
Red Power Ranger: Another monster hog, Power Rangers.
Let's beat it off the planet.
Hyah! Yah! Boo-ya! Yah! Our punches aren't having any effect.
- Uh, yeah, they are! - It's as hard as steel.
That's a Rita Repulsa guarantee! My God, help me! Hold on.
I'm leaving a review for Rita's Magic Natural Wand Male Enhancer two stars.
What the hell is the second star for? Well, technically, it works.
Red Power Ranger: We can't let it destroy any more of Angel Grove.
Let's use the Power Sword.
[Screams, cries.]
Roll the phone number.
Roll it! Rita Repulsa not responsible for destruction of property, mutilated penises, or Power Ranger battles.
Let me make your penis grow! That's trademarked.
Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk - Ba-gawk! - Bawk.
[Theme music plays.]
[Whirring.]
Man: It's alive! [Thunder rumbles.]
You had sex with one of my wives, so you get the iron.
No, no, no, Mr.
Pennybags.
No, no! Aaaahhh! Ping, please don't die.
I've never had the chance to say "I love you.
" [Male voice.]
I love you, too.
I'm so glad you saw through my manly disguise.
- [Female voice.]
My real name is Mulan.
- Oh.
- Something wrong? - I mean yay! [Chuckles.]
So, are you, like, completely a woman, or I hope this meal is to your liking, Dora.
Thank you, Maharaja.
It is an honor to explore your kingdom.
Enjoy the chilled monkey brains.
[Screeches.]
What? It's rude if I don't even try it.
[Whimpers.]
Oh, my God.
This is so good! I mean "this poor, poor monkey.
" But mmm! It's like pâté with a nuttier flavor.
You've got to try this, Boots.
Um-yum-yum! Mmm.
I'm just being polite.
Oh, you poor little monkey.
[Screeching.]
Announcer: Hot Wheels presents the Connectors.
And, today, us brothers are gonna Together: Put it all together! Eric, which Hot Wheels piece are you gonna connect? This is the piece Mom got me on her business trip with her boss, Mr.
Gregory.
All: Put it together! Tyler, what are we connecting today? This sweet piece is from Dad, after he met the private investigator.
Bobby, what are you connecting? I got this piece after I saw Mommy leg-wrestling Mr.
Gregory's face.
And now let's Together: Put all the pieces together! Yeah! - Oh, no.
- "Diverse"? Aah! Aah! Aah! Will you all get lost?! Sorry I'm late, Bags.
Long lunch at the strip club again.
Thimble, I'm afraid we're letting you go from Monopoly.
- What?! - America voted to replace the outdated game pieces with modern ones.
You got swapped out for a pile of smiling feces.
You can't get rid of me! I've been with Monopoly since 1935! Aah! This could be good for us, babe.
I've been wanting to get back into my music.
You remember my band, Thimble and the Pricks.
[Russian accent.]
Thimble I have been having affair with Racecar.
I leave you now for him.
Do svidaniya, sucker.
[Tires screeching.]
Just drive.
Just drive.
Hey, papi.
Ever gotten a thumb job before? I throw in the Water Works for free.
- Top Hat? - Oh, Thimble! I didn't know it was you.
- Um, Top Hat, you still want to - Uh, yes.
Want me to hop in your head hole? - I'm becoming increasingly unsure about this.
- Yeah? Oh, yeah, yeah.
- Ooh, sailor.
- No.
Ow, Thimble, - I think this was a mistake.
- Brim job's the thing, right? Oh, Thimble, no.
Thimble! I can't do this.
Well, I get paid whether you pass go or not, pal.
You know what, Thimble? Everyone at Monopoly is so much more happy with that pile of shit than they ever were with you.
Oh [bleep.]
.
I always knew you were Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Thimble: I stabbed Top Hat 23 times that night.
He doesn't have any blood or vital organs, so it was fine.
But that was my rock bottom.
And I want to thank Losers Anonymous for getting me back on track.
I have a long way to go, but I know I can do it.
Uh, this is a knitting club.
[Music.]
[Circus music plays.]
I'm Julia Child, and, today, I'll demonstrate how to cook the French classic, Boeuf Bourguignon.
Aah! Aah! [Snarling.]
Aah! Get off! Get away, get away, get away! Today, I'll teach you the French way to kill and cook a zombie.
Start by shoving something big into its mouth to prevent a bite.
Don't be shy.
Shove it in there.
Huh! Yeah Next, we have the choice of fire or decapitation.
The French prefer Buffering?! Ah, come on! decapitation, as a fiery zombie running around the kitchen can be messy.
Luckily, I keep my kitchen katana handy.
And you'll want to cut from front to back to sever the spinal column.
[Screaming.]
Keep at it, now.
Cooking is not for the faint of heart.
[Screaming.]
And bon appétit.
[Music plays.]
You know, it just It never looks as good as hers.
And here's to Helen's new promotion senior administrative assistant.
- About time.
- Yo, ladies! You looking for a good slamming tonight? No, we're not.
We're trying to have a nice Pogs night out.
Obviously you've never been slammed right.
So, we pulling a four-way stack or just an intimate ménage àslam? - Could you just leave us alone? - You damn right.
Y'all some high-stacked bitches, anyway.
So, Helen, did the promotion come with a new pen? - Aah! - Oh, my God.
- S-S-S-Slammer! - Somethin' going on in here? Oh, shit.
O.
J.
Slammer.
Uh, no, man.
Everything's cool.
We cool, right, ladies? Real R-Real cool.
Oh, you think it's cool to just slam into Pogs - that don't want it? - No, O.
J.
Come on.
- Get out of here, punk! - S-S-Slammer! Thanks, O.
J.
You're the best.
No problem, ladies.
Hey, you girls want to come back to my place? - Keep the party going? - Oh really? Uh, oh.
Um - Okay.
- Helen Stay with me, Sarah.
[Sarah moaning.]
We could be together forever.
Jareth, you were supposed to restock the fingerless-glove display.
My name is The Goblin King.
- Now, Jareth.
- Oh, fine! - Aw! Are you stealing babies again? - That was there when I opened! Can I buy this SpongeBob nipple ring or not? Incoming message.
On screen, computer.
Justice League, come in.
This is the Batman.
- Great Hera! - Lex Luthor is holding the president hostage.
We have just moments to - Is this a joke? - A joke? When have you ever known me to Oh, God damn it.
Do I have a cartoon dog face? Wait.
Was that your tongue? Is that supposed to be his tongue? - That's adorable.
- Robin messed with our settings.
Goddamn teenagers.
I can't turn it off! What is that? Come again, "Dog" Knight.
Never mind! I'll handle it myself! Oh, that was priceless.
- Incoming message.
- Greetings, super fools.
As you can see, Batman is now my prisoner.
Oh, Lex, you are such a Starchild.
[Both laugh.]
- Why are they laughing? - We're Kiss.
- We're what, now? - We're the rock band, Kiss! Robin changed the settings on my goddamn communicator.
Give it to me.
We're just - There's a very serious - Oh, my God.
Oh, now your face is my face.
I can't breathe.
I can't breathe.
I can't breathe.
Oh, my God, we're both Batman.
Damn it! [Thud.]
Oh, they got rid of Vine.
Everybody's on Snapchat now.
[Ominous music plays.]
Payment to cross the River Styx.
- Here you go.
- I don't take Discover.
- Oh, um, Visa? - A gold coin! What am I gonna do with a credit card? What are you gonna do with a gold coin? Defendant is charged with the crime of bathing with thousands of naked children since 1961.
How do you plead, Mr.
Bubble? - 100% not guilty, Your Honor.
- True or false, sir You lured children into the tub by promising - "tubs of fun.
" - Well, that's a bit out of context.
You also told children and this is a direct quote "I'm fun in the tub.
Just give me a rub.
" - Correct? - But I am! I work my way into all their cracks and crevices.
[Spectators gasp.]
We find Mr.
Bubble guilty on all counts.
But who will bathe the children? [Indistinct shouting, gavel banging.]
Who will bathe the children? I am required by law to inform you I'm moving into the neighborhood.
- Hello.
- Jamie, you're filthy.
Go wash up for supper.
Sorry about that.
If only there was a way to make bathtime fun.
"If only.
" [Chuckles.]
[Laughs.]
I'll be right back out.
Make yourself at home.
[Grunts, farting.]
[Dramatic music.]
[Grunts.]
Oh, my.
Shouldn't have slammed those Gordita Crunches.
[Farting.]
[Dramatic music.]
[Straining.]
[Farting rhythmically to "Jaws" theme.]
Aah! Shark-A-Rim-Job! I think this was a shark attack, Mayor.
It must have come up through the toilet.
We have to shut down every toilet! Chief Brody, Amity depends on the Toilet Bowl Convention for tourism.
What happened here was a plumbing accident.
Are we gonna make it? Are we gonna save E.
T.
? [Sirens blaring.]
- Hey! - I'll shoot! - Whoa! - Wow.
Cool.
Yeah! [Rifles cock.]
- Oh! - Ouch! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! [Music.]
Hello.
I'm Rita Repulsa, enemy of the Power Rangers.
Are you unhappy with your penis size? [Laughs.]
I can help with Rita's Magic Wand Natural Male Enhancer.
What do you think you're doing? The mortgage on our Moon Palace is due.
I'm starting a side business unless you think you'll be conquering Earth any time soon.
I-I-I Don't use my name.
All right? As I was saying, Rita's Magic Wand Natural Male Enhancer really works.
Just call me when you need help, and I'll make your penis grow.
- So, what happens again? - I'm supposed to say, "Rita, make my penis grow," and then Ohh! What the Oh, my God! I take it back.
I take it back.
Red Power Ranger: Another monster hog, Power Rangers.
Let's beat it off the planet.
Hyah! Yah! Boo-ya! Yah! Our punches aren't having any effect.
- Uh, yeah, they are! - It's as hard as steel.
That's a Rita Repulsa guarantee! My God, help me! Hold on.
I'm leaving a review for Rita's Magic Natural Wand Male Enhancer two stars.
What the hell is the second star for? Well, technically, it works.
Red Power Ranger: We can't let it destroy any more of Angel Grove.
Let's use the Power Sword.
[Screams, cries.]
Roll the phone number.
Roll it! Rita Repulsa not responsible for destruction of property, mutilated penises, or Power Ranger battles.
Let me make your penis grow! That's trademarked.
Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk - Ba-gawk! - Bawk.