Shameless US s09e14 Episode Script
Found
1 Hey.
How you been? Forget what happened last week? I'm not surprised, with some of that cheap-ass ganj you've been smoking.
[pipe bubbling.]
Try some of this good Canadian shit.
- Little help here! - Put me down! Put me down! - No more! Ah! - Oh! [Fiona.]
What happened? - He busted his leg.
- Is that bone? [Noah.]
It took six plates and 18 screws, but I think we got Humpty Dumpty - put back together again.
- Drugs.
I went to get a test done, to find out if I inherited a genetic mutation from my mom that means I'm probably gonna die of breast cancer.
And? I don't find out the results for a couple days.
Liam? Liam, you home? [phone chimes.]
- You gonna answer? - Took them two days to realize I was gone.
Can't be too worried.
I think we should break up.
Call me when you're not so needy.
[Lori.]
Why the long face, little pirate? [Carl.]
I didn't make it past the first round of cuts for West Point, and my lesbian sister is in love with my girlfriend, trying to turn her gay, too.
- [gasps.]
Oh, what are you doing? - I'm sorry.
I'm not gay.
[Debbie.]
She doesn't love me.
[Carl.]
Kelly's a bitch.
She likes to break hearts.
We should go fuck her up.
- Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! - [grunts.]
[moans, sighs.]
Kev? - Did you just - Mm-hmm.
Eight seconds.
Twelve-year-olds last longer.
Have you been sending two children to our school for the price of one for months? We're very sorry, Sister.
We need a Jesus for the Festival of St.
Felicity pageant next weekend.
[Veronica.]
And you want Kev to be Jesus? [Fiona.]
I saw the "Help Wanted" sign.
Need a job.
Holy fuck.
- Hi, Max.
- Uh, listen.
Zoning on that lot you're a partner in got approved.
I don't remember exactly how much - you have in the partnership.
- A hundred.
What if I bought you out now? I'll call you in the morning.
We'll get it done.
[laughs.]
[rock music.]
Think of all the luck you got Know that it's not for naught You were beaming once before But it's not like that anymore What is this downside That you speak of? What is this feeling You're so sure of? Round up the friends you got Know that they're not for naught You were willing once before But it's not like that anymore What is this downside That you speak of? What is this feeling You're so sure of? [tranquil guitar music.]
Hey, what are you doing up so early? Going out.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- You ready? - Yeah.
- Gloves.
- Yeah.
Spray paint? Nails? - You got the sugar? - Yep, and the hammer.
- Let's do this.
- What are you two up to? We're gonna go fuck up a truck.
Fuck it up good.
I'll be back before Franny wakes up.
[indistinct voices on TV.]
Because my days is a mess My nights is a mess My life is a mess [sighs.]
My life is a mess of happiness Lust, sex, obsession, desire with no love Fuck it, my bae is a mess My side bitch a mess My wifey a mess I guess My bae is obsessed My side bitch possessed My wifey careless But you gonna have to excuse my mess She gonna have to excuse my ex I'ma have to excuse her pets [Frank.]
Hello? If she gon' ride on this Tune Express Debbie? Lip? Step nigga to the left, nigga to the left It's Fiona.
Whatcha need, Frank? [Frank.]
Oxy time.
I doubt it.
It's quarter to 7:00 they just heard Uh, yeah, Debbie gave you one at midnight last night, so you don't get another one - until 8:00 a.
m.
- What time is it? It's almost 6:00.
It hurts.
I'm sure it does.
The bottle says take as needed for pain.
I'm in pain.
I don't even know where Debbie keeps them.
Where she hides them, you mean.
- Wake her up.
Find out.
- She's not here.
Bullshit.
Debbie! Shh! Jesus.
She just left.
When's she coming back? Soon.
Just [sighs.]
Try to go back to sleep.
- [Frank scoffs.]
- I need coffee.
My bandage needs changing.
It's not my turn.
Need a sponge bath.
[Fiona.]
Not a chance.
I'm starting to smell.
And that's new how? You could call Debbie.
[Fiona.]
Jesus.
How long did the doctors say you were gonna be like this? Three to six months.
Sweet Jesus.
The truck's in the driveway.
Stay low.
Don't want to trigger the motion detector lights.
- Ready? - Roger that.
Whoo-oo, whoo-oo-oo-oo Whoo-oo Operation Annapolis is a go.
- Ready? - Copy that.
I'm, I'm Whoo-oo, whoo-oo-oo-oo Whoo-oo, whoo-oo-oo Whoo-oo, whoo-oo-oo-oo I'm, I'm [spray paint hissing.]
Carl, locking gas cap.
[Carl.]
Get the screwdriver.
- Hammer.
- Too noisy.
I'm just gonna give it a tap.
Hammer.
[car alarm blares.]
[Carl.]
Come on, put the sugar in.
Come on! It's Kelly.
What do we do? Run! [Kelly.]
Hey, assholes! Oh, come on! Come on.
[laughs.]
Shh! Come on.
[both laughing.]
[Kelly.]
I see you motherfuckers! You drive me wild, you drive me wild - Hey.
- [Lip.]
Hey.
Liam still sleeping? He's not in there.
He's not? Wanna see if he could cover my Frank shift for a few hours later.
- Where you going? - Preliminary hearing for punching Liam's lemonade lady.
Oh.
You need company? Could maybe get off work for a few hours.
No, I'm good.
They knocked it down to a misdemeanor.
Did Frank tell you his recovery could take six months? - Six months? - Yeah.
This morning, he asked me to give him a sponge bath.
What was that like? Well, I didn't do it.
Jesus, I'd have nightmares for years.
Schedule Debbie made is working out okay.
You know, spreading the load around.
It's like having a 160-pound baby on the couch.
Oh, and there's a massive dump waiting down there in his bedpan.
That's what I've been smelling? Uh-huh.
Well, we could get him adult diapers, right? You want to be the one wiping the shit out of his pubic hair with a warm washcloth - during diaper changes? - [anguished cry.]
[rock music.]
[door opens.]
[Frank.]
Oxy? Oh, Christ.
What's that smell? Bedpan.
Whose shift is it? Carl.
- Fuck me.
- [Fiona.]
Did you two hold up a liquor store this morning? - [Frank.]
Is that Debbie? - Yes.
[Frank.]
Oxy! Not for another half-hour, Frank.
I need it now.
Take too much Oxy, it's gonna make you constipated.
It hasn't happened yet.
Christ, what did he eat? Okay, last one for eight hours, Frank.
Better enjoy it.
Then two.
Give me two.
[Debbie.]
Nope, you're only - allowed one, Frank.
- [Frank.]
Two! - I won't make it on one.
- [Debbie.]
Sorry, Frank.
So? Frank.
Any ideas? It's not like we have that many options.
Can't, like, drug him and dump him under a bridge.
- Why not? - We could do real time.
Elder abuse.
Nah, no jury would convict.
We can get him back on disability.
[Lip.]
You know? Get the state to hire somebody to help him.
That could take months.
Juice? I need juice.
We're having a family meeting, Frank! About what? About your sorry ass! [Carl.]
Hey, wait.
Doesn't he still have money from that Randy guy? - Who? - Ingrid's ex.
He paid Frank to stay away from her.
No Randy money left.
You couldn't have possibly spent it already.
All gone.
No money.
What about the cash that he made on that drug deal? It's my rainy day fund.
Yeah, and this is a goddamn monsoon, Frank.
I'll call around and, uh, see how much a home healthcare worker costs.
I got it.
Oh, I don't mind.
No worries.
I'm on it.
[Frank.]
I don't need a healthcare worker.
Yes, you do.
Times like these were made for families caring for loved ones in their time of need.
Nobody loves you, Frank.
Hey, um, anybody see Liam last night? Yeah, he was watching TV on the sofa with Frank.
- [Lip.]
He sleep here? - I think so.
I didn't tuck him in or anything.
[Carl.]
Here's your bedpan back.
Don't use it again till someone else can get it.
Hey.
Catch a meeting later? I think I'm gonna do an Al-Anon meeting - again today.
- All right, well, let us know if you think it's worthwhile.
We could turn it into a fun-filled activity for the whole family.
Carl, you want me to make you some eggs? Thanks, but I have coffee and cereal in the morning.
Debbie, scrambled eggs? Coffee for me.
Excuse me.
[cell phone chimes, vibrates.]
Kelly again? [snickers.]
- Yeah.
[laughs.]
- [cell phone chimes.]
So, what are your plans? Uh, well, I'ma go to that, uh, Al-Anon meeting No, not today.
For the future.
I [exhales sharply.]
I don't know.
I-I haven't really thought about it.
Franny needs a real bed.
She's too big for her crib now, and my room doesn't have enough space for two beds, so I was thinking that you could take my room and Franny and I could take your old room.
Sure.
Well, I'm gonna go wake up Franny.
Keep her up there too long, she won't be able to sleep at night.
[jaunty music playing.]
[bed creaking.]
Now there was a time Oh, Kev? When you loved me so Kevin? [exhales.]
Yeah.
- You still haven't - No.
- Hm - How long? 47 minutes.
Oh, baby! This is so fantastic.
Oh, yeah, it's wonderful, baby.
- Oh - And I am so happy - for you, baby.
- Oh, happy, happy! Mm.
But all good things must come to an end.
Can't wait till you see [sharply.]
Come to an end, now, Kevin.
You don't want to try for 60 minutes? Nope.
Now.
Mm.
[grunts.]
- Do that thing with my balls.
- [grunts.]
Okay.
This? No, no, no.
The other thing.
- This? - Yes.
[both moan.]
- Yes! - [grunting.]
How you like me now Oh! Oh.
- Kevin.
- Mm.
[slapping sounds.]
- Mm.
- Okay.
Oh.
[sighs.]
[sighs.]
Make you love me baby Fuck you, Mr.
Vasectomy.
I'm a man again! [laughs.]
[sighs.]
Hey.
- You working today? - [Carl.]
Yeah.
Sorry about West Point.
Oh, it's no big deal.
I mean, it was stupid for me to even apply.
I don't know what I was thinking.
They're never gonna accept someone like me.
It's their loss.
Yeah.
Fuck 'em, right? I gotta get to work.
Can't be late.
Who's gonna fry those fish sticks? - [Frank.]
Ay! Jesus! - [Debbie.]
Ugh.
This is nasty.
Any of those beers have something left in them? No.
Any left in the fridge? Let me finish this first.
Ugh.
Called a couple home healthcare worker places.
Twenty-two bucks an hour.
Thirty for overnights.
Totally unnecessary.
Just set me up in here with my Oxys, a couple of brews, and the remote, and I'm good as gold.
Yeah, you're down here yelling for us day and night.
Totally need someone to take care of you.
Easy.
I'm not even supposed to be doing this.
It's Liam's shift.
Well, then get him down here.
Liam! [Debbie.]
He's not here, and I haven't told anyone where I hid your Oxy, so don't think you can bully Liam into giving you more.
What happened to that G.
I.
Jane chick your brother was banging, the one you were trying to steal? I wasn't trying to steal her.
Sure you were.
You were following her around like a lovesick puppy.
She broke up with Carl.
So she is a carpet-muncher? Don't be an asshole, Frank.
She was cute.
Smart, too.
I was surprised she went for a moron like Carl.
He was definitely punching above his weight on that one.
Kelly isn't gay.
Softball? Really? Bi? Or maybe you just weren't tempting enough for her to risk jumping into gender experimentation.
Women like smart.
Sorry, sweetheart.
You're not the sharpest shovel in the shed.
Now, I bet if it had been your sister, Fiona She's not hey.
She's not brilliant, like Lip, but she's street smart, quick.
I bet if it'd been Fiona, softball girl would've taken that for a spin.
Keep it up, Frank.
You'll never see an Oxy again.
[rock music.]
Not to mention, Fiona got Monica's stripper-on-a-bender, dangerous looks, not that it's made Fiona's life easier.
[Frank.]
Too much pretty can really mess you up.
- [phone ringing.]
- [Liam.]
Hi, it's Liam.
- Liam, where are you? - [Frank.]
Better to be - like you.
- Frank is driving me fucking crazy, and it's your shift.
- [Frank.]
Kinda slow - Love you.
Bye.
[Frank.]
Keeps you realistic about your prospects.
Morning.
I'm not late, am I? He's here.
Who's here? The Captain.
He wants to meet you.
Captain Bob? I thought he was made-up, like Colonel Sanders.
Colonel Sanders was real.
He was? Follow me.
Sir.
Ensign Gallagher.
Best fryer mate I ever had.
Pleasure to meet you, Carl.
Have a seat.
You want a root beer float? - Ah, no - Lori, bring our little white panther here a root beer float.
- Okay.
- You want some popcorn shrimp? Lori, popcorn shrimp, too.
I eat a basket every location I visit, Carl.
Quality control is the name of the shrimp game.
Look at that.
Nicely battered, properly crisp.
Mm, mm, mm.
You really saved my ass the other day, son.
Once word get out you can rob a franchise, the sharks descend.
Give much thought to your future, Carl? - Um, well - Look, I know a young man like you, it's hard to see yourself down the road, but Captain Bob's is growing.
- Carl, you own a Winnebago? - No.
I do.
A Grand Tour.
You got a lake house? - Mm - I do.
Ski boat? Two brand-new Cadillacs? You take a two-week vacation every year down to the Alabama coast? No, sir.
No, you're damn straight you don't, but you will, Carl, if you make the right choice today.
I got a store in East Garfield Park, and it's been robbed six times this month.
You can start tomorrow, Assistant Manager.
500 bucks a week.
In a year, you could be manager.
Hell, in ten years, you could even own your own franchise.
Huh? The sky's the limit, son.
Carl, play your cards right, you could even end up with your own Winnebago.
[laughs.]
[rock music over speakers.]
So, mystery solved.
Yeah? What mystery is that? Homer.
He's not drunk somewhere.
Yeah? What happened? He violated his parole.
Idiot got pulled over with a .
45 under his seat.
- Ah.
- Shit.
I gotta try and find a new mechanic.
Well, there might be time to take the broom out of Jason's hands.
You mean instead of hiring someone who's qualified, I should hire the kid who sweeps up? Yeah.
All right, Mother Theresa.
Show him how to change a spark plug, while I try to find someone who actually knows what the hell they're doing.
- Hey, thank you.
- Yeah, yeah.
Yo, Jason! Hey, come here, man.
Man, you ever change an air filter? I've seen you do it.
All right, I want you to finish detailing the bagger over there, then get an air filter for the Sportster.
All right? I'll come over there and I'll teach you how to change it.
Yeah.
All right.
[door closes.]
Lip? Hey.
What's up? Doctor's office called.
They want me to call them back at noon, uh, go over the results of my test with them.
What time is it now? Five of.
I just thought I should, uh, be with someone in case I try to jump off a roof or throw myself in front of a bus or something.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course.
Yeah.
Hey, Tami.
How you doing? It's none of your fucking business, Brad.
Okay.
Come on.
I'll find someplace to make that call.
There's gotta be someplace else you can keep this thing.
It's scaring away the customers.
I tried to get it in the house.
It just wouldn't fit through the door.
V, I think we can make some money renting me out as Jesus.
People rent Jesus? - Yeah, for parties and stuff.
- Jesus parties? I think that's called church services, Kevin.
Like Santas at Christmas, or Elvis impersonators.
I could work bachelorette parties, be one of those, uh, birthday strippers.
A Jesus stripper? Look at this website.
They got all kinds of people looking like celebrities they rent out.
Hi.
What is all that about? The nuns figured out we were sending both of our girls to preschool for the price of one, so Kev has to be Jesus for their parade, only now, Kev wants to be Jesus all the time.
Praise the lord! I thought you were taking some time away from drinking.
May I have a Coke, please? Absolutely.
What's that? Well, the zoning went through on the lot that I invested in and Max Whitford bought me out of the partnership.
No shit? How much? [whispering.]
$100,000.
- [loudly.]
$100,000 - Eh.
- One, oh - Right? That is fantastic.
So you what are you gonna do with it, buy a new building? Oh, hell no.
Fool me once.
So what now? Well, I quit my job at the gas station - Damn right.
- And now I don't know.
I feel like I got a second chance.
And a third, and a fourth.
V, I could have different costumes for different occasions.
Wedding Jesus.
Uh, Last Supper Jesus.
[Kev.]
Bat Mitzvah Jesus.
Last Supper Jesus? Well, I guess that beats getting nailed to the cross.
[Kev.]
They didn't use real nails, did they? [doorbell rings.]
[distant sirens wail.]
Is Liam here? - Mm, no.
- Really? [Liam.]
Yeah, I'm here.
It's okay, Todd.
I got this.
Hi.
Why are you dressed like that? Going to church.
You go to church? Yes.
I've been texting and calling you.
You're supposed to be at the house right now, taking care of Frank.
I don't live there anymore.
What? You can't just move out.
I did last night.
No, absolutely not.
If you have an issue with it, make something else.
Can I live at Todd's? [all yelling.]
- Please? - Tuna salad gives me the runs.
Somebody get me a beer? His grandma said I can.
Please, can I live at Todd's? Fine! Yes! Yes! [Debbie speaking indistinctly.]
Okay.
I'm gonna do it.
- I'm going now! - Beer! - Go! - Jesus! [bell dinging.]
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm late for church.
[door slams.]
[Tami.]
Yeah, I understand.
[Tami.]
Right.
Great.
Yeah.
No, thank you.
[sighs.]
Let me think it over.
Uh-huh.
[sighs.]
Positive.
BRCA1.
It's good.
That's That's "baby good," right? Yeah, it's "baby good.
" So I don't have to worry about you trying to find any tall buildings or anything? - No.
- Okay.
I'm actually afraid of heights.
Shotgun in the bathtub's more my style.
[sighs.]
Fuck! I don't want to have a baby just to save my tits.
[exhales sharply.]
Okay.
I gotta have an abortion.
I mean, I work in a hair salon.
I breathe bleach fumes all day.
This baby's gonna come out with, like, five heads and a dorsal fin.
Tami.
Tami, Tami.
Hey, breathe.
Breathe.
All right? Good.
If having the baby reduces the chances of cancer, maybe you should have the baby.
And what? Die on the kid when it's 13, like my mom did to me? Leave it an orphan? It wouldn't be an orphan.
Right, because you're gonna take care of it.
Yeah, I would.
And what about when you die, too, Lip? You know, the way you smoke cigarettes, it'll be a miracle if you make it to 40.
I'll quit.
You'll quit.
Right.
Barren place I was gonna rent my own chair this year.
I was gonna save up and get my own salon, - in the next couple years - Tami, that's great.
That's great, all right? You can still do that.
No, I can't, Lip! I'm gonna be a little busy.
I'm having a baby and then a double mastectomy.
[eerie music.]
I need to fuck.
Where can we fuck? Huh? There's gotta be, like, a really, really nasty bathroom in here, right? - Somewhere? - Tami Tami.
Tami.
What? You don't want to fuck me because I'm pregnant? [sighs.]
Then fine.
[door slams open.]
I [engine turns over.]
[tires squeal.]
Hey! Hey! [door closes.]
Fiona? Ready for us? No.
Judge is running behind.
The ADA has agreed to settle your case.
$2,500 fine and time served.
- That's it? - The ADA met with the woman you punched.
She's not too thrilled about putting her on the stand.
She's still railing about the dangerous elements in your neighborhood.
The kids selling lemonade? Can you pull the money together for the fine? - Yes.
- Okay.
Right, I'm gonna come get you when they call your case.
You stand up, plead guilty, and apologize to the court for being an idiot.
Got it.
You seem like a smart girl, Fiona.
Time to leave this South Side hood rat crap behind you and get on with being an adult.
[door opens, closes.]
If anybody in this room has ever fallen in love, it's usually with someone that did everything wrong, that you would never expect Oh, bullshit.
- [woman.]
Why you should have - Anybody here? I need another beer! [applause on TV.]
Carl? Debbie? Beer! [woman.]
Ever, I need to know, are you known Where's your mother? [cheers and applause on TV.]
[man on TV.]
Hold on.
And how how is your Uh, you tall enough to open the refrigerator? I need another beer.
[man on TV.]
Like, a lot of women that I talk to it's like you know, they want, like, Patrick Dempsey and and all The knight in shining armor, and they're You watch these relationship shows, they never tell the truth.
Relationships can be hazardous to your health, 'cause to get a good one, a great one, you need truth-telling, but people don't like truth.
That's why they fill the air with lies like "Mommy loves you" Mm? "Politicians care.
" "Prayer works.
" [door closes.]
I found Liam.
- You lost him? - Says he moved out.
- I need another beer.
- Franny! Did you climb out of your crib again? - Yeah! - Let's get you back, or you're gonna be sleepy! Beer? How do you do that? Are you a monkey? [Debbie.]
Are you my little monkey girl? Can't lemme demonstrate Ninety-six degrees in the shade Talkin' centigrade Life give ya lemons Better make some fuckin' lemonade Come get a sip of this shit Fore the pitcher is empty Cuz I got enough in my cup Niggas on top of the world If they recipe one of the best And I'm comin' right up If you gon' talk about Do you remember telling Liam he could move? No.
Says he doesn't want to be a Gallagher anymore.
Is that an option? Yeah, he's going to church.
Church? Did somebody drug him? Fuckin' lemonade What are you doing? [sighs.]
Giving my uniforms to Goodwill.
Why? You're going back to school next week.
I'm dropping out.
Captain Bob came by the shop, offered me assistant manager.
$500 a week.
Gotta carry a sidearm on me, but I could end up with a ski boat or a Winnebago.
This is stupid.
You're going back to school.
No, I'm not.
Yes, you are, Carl.
I'm a loser, Debbie! A West Point reject with a shitty education and a family history of alcoholism and drug abuse that's bound to catch up with me sooner or later.
Fast food is the best it's gonna get for me.
I've accepted who I am.
Why can't you? I brought the ice with me too They tryna water it down I'm going to get Liam to bring him home.
You coming? No.
Better off where he is.
Niggas never wanna instigate When it's center stage Run up on me try to get away I'ma win the race [panting.]
[Lip.]
Geez.
[panting.]
[fly zips.]
[distant train horn.]
She died at home, in pain.
Took eight months.
Every week, there was just a little bit less of her, until there wasn't anything left.
That happens to me, do you promise to shoot me? Fifty years from now? Sure.
Fifty years.
Sure.
[distant train horn.]
[sighs.]
I'm gonna have the baby.
Good.
Good? - Yeah.
- What does that mean? Means I'm glad you've decided to keep the baby.
I said I was gonna have the baby.
I didn't say I was gonna keep it.
Adoption? Sure.
Why not? Tried and true for scorned women throughout history.
Yeah, I, um I don't think I'm gonna be okay with that.
Okay with what? Some kid of mine out in the world thinking they weren't wanted.
- I mean - For Christ's sake, Lip, you'd be a shitty father.
Hey, fuck you! - I know I wouldn't.
- I give this kid up for adoption, I want to get it as far away from me as possible.
- Guam comes to mind.
- Guam? I don't want to run into some kid who looks like me, or worse yet, you, - at the Costco.
- All right! So I have the baby, or you have the baby, or we have the baby, right? We? Oh, what, are we getting married now? [Lip.]
You want to? Do you love me? [somber music.]
I like you.
And I think we could end up loving each other.
Be still, my heart.
- You love me? - Hell, no.
I actually think I'm starting to fucking hate you.
Tami.
Hey! [engine turns over.]
Where are you going? [engine revving.]
What the hell, Gallagher? What do you want, Kelly? Nineteen nails in my tires.
Sugar in my gas tank.
Someone fucked with your truck? That's terrible.
You gonna try and deny this, too? "Heart Beaker"? You telling me this wasn't you? I know how to spell.
Carl? [Kelly.]
Don't walk away from me! I thought we were friends! Is this about you kissing me? Because I'm sorry I gave you the wrong signals, but I'm not gay! You broke Carl's heart, Kelly! He may not be able to spell, but he's a human being, and he's throwing his life away because of you.
What are you talking about? Carl is quitting school and going to work at Captain Bob's full-time.
He's what? You rejected him, and West Point rejected him.
He's rejected, and he's giving up, and that is on you, for encouraging him to think that he could ever get into fucking West Point to begin with, and making him fall in love with you, and goddamn it, for making me fall in love with you, too.
But this isn't about me.
This is about Carl, and he is giving up, and that is on you, so fuck you, and fuck your dike-y-ass truck! [melancholy music.]
[fence rattles.]
[gate closes.]
- [Ian.]
Fiona! - [laughs.]
[Ian.]
Didn't know you were coming today.
I wasn't.
What, you busy? Uh You know what? I'll fit you in my schedule.
[Fiona laughs.]
Hi.
Mm.
What happened to your head? A guy in the infirmary had lice.
It was easier just to buzz it.
So you're still working in the infirmary? Yeah, well, beats working the laundry like Mickey, plus, I get to put my medical training to use.
Mickey washing undies.
You gotta send me a picture.
Yeah.
Everything okay at home? Oh, well, the usual.
Frank broke his femur and is laid up for six months, driving us all crazy.
Okay.
Lip's girlfriend's pregnant.
Lip has a girlfriend? Debbie's still convinced she's gay.
Carl's working at Captain Bob's.
Liam may be missing.
And I'm thinking maybe it's time for me to go.
Go? Leave.
Move someplace else.
[inhales, sighs.]
Shit.
I can't believe I actually said it out loud.
Someplace else like Somewhere near the equator.
I'm sick of winters, you know? Ice and sleet and freezing my ass off.
Tell anyone else about this yet? Thought I'd try it out on you first.
You should go.
What? You should get the fuck out.
You deserve it.
You should go as far away as you can.
You were hoping that I was gonna try and talk you out of it? [laughs.]
Maybe.
[upbeat music.]
I'm scared.
[laughs.]
[sniffs.]
And now I'm crying.
When would you leave? Now.
Soon.
Before I chicken out.
Go.
Go as far away from here as you can, and don't ever look back, okay? We'll always be here for you.
Always.
- Hey.
- Welcome back.
Yeah, uh, sorry.
Look, I'll, uh I'll make up the hours, all right? I know you will.
- Where is she? - Out front.
Oh, and Oliver Twist is still waiting for you to show him how to change a filter.
Fuck.
Hey, Jason.
I'll be right with you.
- All right? - All right.
You guys have really shitty reading material in this dump.
Got a better selection over at the beauty salon? Hell, yeah.
Gotta keep up on Brad versus Angie.
Sorry.
Yeah.
You should be.
You've been kicking my ass ever since you got pregnant.
I've been kicking your ass since the first day we met.
- I don't know why you like me.
- I don't.
[laughs.]
I'm hungry.
Do you want to get something to eat? Yeah, I, uh, I got a couple bikes I need to finish up.
Cool to wait? Yeah.
[chuckles.]
All right.
You know the difference between perpetual and periodic inventory? No idea.
You gotta know your par level on every item.
Bread'n'Butter pickles and clams are particularly tricky.
- [tires squeal.]
- Shit.
[heavy metal music.]
- Gallagher! - What are you doing here? [both grunt.]
Get off me.
What do you think you're doing? Let me go.
You're going back, shithead.
Uh, wait, are you law enforcement? What? Did he skip bail or something? No.
Friend.
Fuck you.
You think you can ruin your life - and blame me? - Fuck.
- Let me go, Kelly.
- Wow, you're Kelly? You're going back to school, Carl.
Hey, is he gonna be able to work - his dinner shift tonight? - Yes! No! He just quit! [thudding.]
[door slams.]
Now that's a woman.
[door closes.]
Is Liam back from church yet? - Yeah.
- Where is he? - In his room.
- His room? Liam! Good afternoon, Deborah.
[scoffs.]
Enough, Liam.
Come on, let's go home.
Have you noticed anything unusual about me? What? Like I'm black? Yeah, I've noticed that you're black.
- And you're not.
- Your point? That you have never made any attempt to surround me with my own cultural and racial heritage.
[jazz music on speakers.]
Whoa, you know who all these people are? I've been sleeping here a couple nights a week all summer, and no one even noticed.
Know what else? Mrs.
Thompson cooks dinner every night real food And I get Lucky Charms for breakfast.
I can buy you Lucky Charms.
Is that really enough, you think, for a young, proud man of African descent trying to find his identity in today's white America? What's this? My list of demands.
Once agreed upon, I'll consider coming home.
Twenty-nine things? Forty-six.
There's some on the back.
[coos.]
Book.
- [sighs.]
- [babbles.]
- [giggles.]
- Where have you been? Your daughter's made me read The Hungry goddamn Caterpillar like, 20 times.
Caterpillar's dead, honey.
Someone stepped on it and squished it.
[Debbie.]
So Liam's down at the Thompsons', said he's decided he's black and wants us to do a bunch of black shit.
[Frank.]
Black shit? His list of demands.
Look at you.
[Franny.]
Ow, my shoe.
What? What is Seamus doing here? Mrs.
Demopoulos said we could borrow him for a few weeks, as long as we feed him.
He took great care of her when she broke her hip.
Said he loves to give sponge baths.
Sponge bath? Yeah.
Come on, Seamus.
Let's get you a bucket of warm water.
I've seen him eat cat feces out of the sandbox at the playground.
[faucet running.]
Book.
[sighs.]
[peppy Spanish music playing on speakers.]
Can you undo my hands, please? My arm is about to fall asleep.
[sighs.]
Can I go now? - Are you going back to school? - No.
Shit, Carl.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself and man up.
So you didn't get into West Point, so what? Those guys are a bunch of pussies anyway.
Go to OTS.
Earn your commission the old-fashioned way, by being a tough motherfucker.
Who'd you rather serve under? Some Westie dipshit who wrote a paper on Napoleon's Italian campaign, or Carl Gallagher, who can reload a MAC-10 while diving under an Impala during a drive-by? [laughs.]
Exactly.
So are you done being a pussy and ready to get back to being the man that I love? Wait.
What? Damn, you're dense.
[rock music.]
Now go ahead? I need a beer.
You coming, asshole? Hey, Fiona! Found Liam.
He's moved down to Todd's house.
He said he's not coming back unless he gets his own room.
Quick shower, and then we'll go to dinner? - [Debbie.]
Lip! - Okay.
Yeah.
Fiona's leaving.
She's upstairs, packing her stuff right now.
What? [Tami.]
Hey, you guys know there's a giant dude in your living room, giving Frank a bath? Keep your arm up now till I finished under here.
[distant siren wails.]
So Yeah.
Where to? Not sure.
Have, uh, an educated guess, or I'll probably turn around before I even make it to the airport.
No, you won't.
Baby? Who knows? Life, right? [laughs.]
Take care of them for me, will you? Promise? Promise.
[Tami.]
That giant's name is Seamus, and he's trying to do something to your dad with salt water and a turkey baster.
Oh, hi.
[Tami laughs.]
A'ight, well, you're not going anywhere without a goodbye party, all right? No.
Yes, we are throwing you a party, so shut the fuck up and have a good time.
All right, Gallaghers! Party! Yo! So Fiona is going and we are going to throw her a big-ass party.
All right? - Going? Going where? - Nobody knows.
Carl, you're on pizza and beer, yeah? - I'll drive.
- Okay.
- [Debbie.]
I'll go get Liam.
- All right, I'll round up Kev and V and, uh, get the barbecue from Lem's.
- You can drive? - Yeah.
Great.
Okay, wait, wait, wait.
Okay.
Here wait.
Stop, no, for I can do it.
Sh give me the sponge.
I can do it.
Get in there good, now.
- I know how to do it.
- Mm-hmm.
[grunts.]
[Frank.]
Going somewhere? Everybody leave? They're out gathering supplies for your bon voyage celebration.
You skipping the fun? Yeah.
Afraid if I stay, I might never leave.
[laughs.]
It's getting a little tepid there, Seamus.
Could you heat up the water? [water sloshing.]
Seamus? Debbie's idea.
Free.
[faucet running.]
Well, I'll see you around.
You did a good job.
Monica wasn't up to it.
You stepped in and helped.
Thanks.
[scoffs.]
"Helped.
" I did it all, Frank.
[laughing.]
Yeah, well, if that helps you sleep better.
[warm guitar music.]
See you around, Frank.
I doubt it.
Okay, lift me up.
Do my ass.
[door slams.]
[train rumbling.]
[door opens.]
Hey! The barbecue is back.
They were out of chicken, but I got extra ribs! Come on down! Fiona! Fiona? Fiona! Hey.
Popping like the top off a bottle And I ain't stopping yet Baby it's a brand new day Ain't no clouds hanging over me Yo, big Phil! What's up, man? Gonna start today, good morning [groans.]
Think I'd make a shitty dad? What? No.
You'd make a great dad.
Why, you think about having kids? Tami's pregnant.
[Kev.]
No shit.
- Yep.
- Oh, man.
That's fantastic.
You're gonna love it.
Babies are the best.
I'm not sure if she's interested in me being too involved.
She said she thinks I'd be a shitty dad.
- So.
- [Kev.]
Huh.
I, uh I thought since you were a great father, - that you'd - Thank you.
A Beatle on stage I don't know.
Maybe you'd have an opinion.
Baby it's a brand new day About what makes a good father? Yeah.
I, uh I didn't have much of a role model at home.
[beer can pops.]
- Frank.
- Yeah.
No shit.
Good morning I'm not sure if I even know how to be a great father.
You just love 'em, man.
It goes like this It's hard to fuck 'em up if you just love 'em.
But I got the feeling right now You think you can do that? I've been down Yeah.
Yeah, I think so, too.
I've been up, I've been down Do you got the feeling right now? Baby it's a brand new day Ain't no clouds hanging over me Holy shit.
What? A check for $50,000 from Fiona.
Is there a note? Good morning "Love you.
" Yeah, she does.
[Veronica sighs.]
All right! [melancholy music.]
Say it with your chest Say it with your chest Pray it work again Putting diamonds on my back Putting diamonds on my back, yeah Say it with your chest Sorry.
Say it with your chest Pray it work again Putting diamonds on my back Putting diamonds on my back, yeah But you know if I waste my time That's my daughter, Sarah.
She really wanted the window, to see us take off, if that's okay.
She's never been on a plane before.
It's fine.
Let me know if she bothers you.
I'm sure she won't bother me.
[Fiona.]
It's my first time on a plane, too.
Just like last, last night I want more out of life Than this I want more I want more I want more out of life Than this I want more I want more [clamoring.]
I want more out of life Than this I want more I want more I want more out of life Than this I want more I want more
How you been? Forget what happened last week? I'm not surprised, with some of that cheap-ass ganj you've been smoking.
[pipe bubbling.]
Try some of this good Canadian shit.
- Little help here! - Put me down! Put me down! - No more! Ah! - Oh! [Fiona.]
What happened? - He busted his leg.
- Is that bone? [Noah.]
It took six plates and 18 screws, but I think we got Humpty Dumpty - put back together again.
- Drugs.
I went to get a test done, to find out if I inherited a genetic mutation from my mom that means I'm probably gonna die of breast cancer.
And? I don't find out the results for a couple days.
Liam? Liam, you home? [phone chimes.]
- You gonna answer? - Took them two days to realize I was gone.
Can't be too worried.
I think we should break up.
Call me when you're not so needy.
[Lori.]
Why the long face, little pirate? [Carl.]
I didn't make it past the first round of cuts for West Point, and my lesbian sister is in love with my girlfriend, trying to turn her gay, too.
- [gasps.]
Oh, what are you doing? - I'm sorry.
I'm not gay.
[Debbie.]
She doesn't love me.
[Carl.]
Kelly's a bitch.
She likes to break hearts.
We should go fuck her up.
- Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! - [grunts.]
[moans, sighs.]
Kev? - Did you just - Mm-hmm.
Eight seconds.
Twelve-year-olds last longer.
Have you been sending two children to our school for the price of one for months? We're very sorry, Sister.
We need a Jesus for the Festival of St.
Felicity pageant next weekend.
[Veronica.]
And you want Kev to be Jesus? [Fiona.]
I saw the "Help Wanted" sign.
Need a job.
Holy fuck.
- Hi, Max.
- Uh, listen.
Zoning on that lot you're a partner in got approved.
I don't remember exactly how much - you have in the partnership.
- A hundred.
What if I bought you out now? I'll call you in the morning.
We'll get it done.
[laughs.]
[rock music.]
Think of all the luck you got Know that it's not for naught You were beaming once before But it's not like that anymore What is this downside That you speak of? What is this feeling You're so sure of? Round up the friends you got Know that they're not for naught You were willing once before But it's not like that anymore What is this downside That you speak of? What is this feeling You're so sure of? [tranquil guitar music.]
Hey, what are you doing up so early? Going out.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- You ready? - Yeah.
- Gloves.
- Yeah.
Spray paint? Nails? - You got the sugar? - Yep, and the hammer.
- Let's do this.
- What are you two up to? We're gonna go fuck up a truck.
Fuck it up good.
I'll be back before Franny wakes up.
[indistinct voices on TV.]
Because my days is a mess My nights is a mess My life is a mess [sighs.]
My life is a mess of happiness Lust, sex, obsession, desire with no love Fuck it, my bae is a mess My side bitch a mess My wifey a mess I guess My bae is obsessed My side bitch possessed My wifey careless But you gonna have to excuse my mess She gonna have to excuse my ex I'ma have to excuse her pets [Frank.]
Hello? If she gon' ride on this Tune Express Debbie? Lip? Step nigga to the left, nigga to the left It's Fiona.
Whatcha need, Frank? [Frank.]
Oxy time.
I doubt it.
It's quarter to 7:00 they just heard Uh, yeah, Debbie gave you one at midnight last night, so you don't get another one - until 8:00 a.
m.
- What time is it? It's almost 6:00.
It hurts.
I'm sure it does.
The bottle says take as needed for pain.
I'm in pain.
I don't even know where Debbie keeps them.
Where she hides them, you mean.
- Wake her up.
Find out.
- She's not here.
Bullshit.
Debbie! Shh! Jesus.
She just left.
When's she coming back? Soon.
Just [sighs.]
Try to go back to sleep.
- [Frank scoffs.]
- I need coffee.
My bandage needs changing.
It's not my turn.
Need a sponge bath.
[Fiona.]
Not a chance.
I'm starting to smell.
And that's new how? You could call Debbie.
[Fiona.]
Jesus.
How long did the doctors say you were gonna be like this? Three to six months.
Sweet Jesus.
The truck's in the driveway.
Stay low.
Don't want to trigger the motion detector lights.
- Ready? - Roger that.
Whoo-oo, whoo-oo-oo-oo Whoo-oo Operation Annapolis is a go.
- Ready? - Copy that.
I'm, I'm Whoo-oo, whoo-oo-oo-oo Whoo-oo, whoo-oo-oo Whoo-oo, whoo-oo-oo-oo I'm, I'm [spray paint hissing.]
Carl, locking gas cap.
[Carl.]
Get the screwdriver.
- Hammer.
- Too noisy.
I'm just gonna give it a tap.
Hammer.
[car alarm blares.]
[Carl.]
Come on, put the sugar in.
Come on! It's Kelly.
What do we do? Run! [Kelly.]
Hey, assholes! Oh, come on! Come on.
[laughs.]
Shh! Come on.
[both laughing.]
[Kelly.]
I see you motherfuckers! You drive me wild, you drive me wild - Hey.
- [Lip.]
Hey.
Liam still sleeping? He's not in there.
He's not? Wanna see if he could cover my Frank shift for a few hours later.
- Where you going? - Preliminary hearing for punching Liam's lemonade lady.
Oh.
You need company? Could maybe get off work for a few hours.
No, I'm good.
They knocked it down to a misdemeanor.
Did Frank tell you his recovery could take six months? - Six months? - Yeah.
This morning, he asked me to give him a sponge bath.
What was that like? Well, I didn't do it.
Jesus, I'd have nightmares for years.
Schedule Debbie made is working out okay.
You know, spreading the load around.
It's like having a 160-pound baby on the couch.
Oh, and there's a massive dump waiting down there in his bedpan.
That's what I've been smelling? Uh-huh.
Well, we could get him adult diapers, right? You want to be the one wiping the shit out of his pubic hair with a warm washcloth - during diaper changes? - [anguished cry.]
[rock music.]
[door opens.]
[Frank.]
Oxy? Oh, Christ.
What's that smell? Bedpan.
Whose shift is it? Carl.
- Fuck me.
- [Fiona.]
Did you two hold up a liquor store this morning? - [Frank.]
Is that Debbie? - Yes.
[Frank.]
Oxy! Not for another half-hour, Frank.
I need it now.
Take too much Oxy, it's gonna make you constipated.
It hasn't happened yet.
Christ, what did he eat? Okay, last one for eight hours, Frank.
Better enjoy it.
Then two.
Give me two.
[Debbie.]
Nope, you're only - allowed one, Frank.
- [Frank.]
Two! - I won't make it on one.
- [Debbie.]
Sorry, Frank.
So? Frank.
Any ideas? It's not like we have that many options.
Can't, like, drug him and dump him under a bridge.
- Why not? - We could do real time.
Elder abuse.
Nah, no jury would convict.
We can get him back on disability.
[Lip.]
You know? Get the state to hire somebody to help him.
That could take months.
Juice? I need juice.
We're having a family meeting, Frank! About what? About your sorry ass! [Carl.]
Hey, wait.
Doesn't he still have money from that Randy guy? - Who? - Ingrid's ex.
He paid Frank to stay away from her.
No Randy money left.
You couldn't have possibly spent it already.
All gone.
No money.
What about the cash that he made on that drug deal? It's my rainy day fund.
Yeah, and this is a goddamn monsoon, Frank.
I'll call around and, uh, see how much a home healthcare worker costs.
I got it.
Oh, I don't mind.
No worries.
I'm on it.
[Frank.]
I don't need a healthcare worker.
Yes, you do.
Times like these were made for families caring for loved ones in their time of need.
Nobody loves you, Frank.
Hey, um, anybody see Liam last night? Yeah, he was watching TV on the sofa with Frank.
- [Lip.]
He sleep here? - I think so.
I didn't tuck him in or anything.
[Carl.]
Here's your bedpan back.
Don't use it again till someone else can get it.
Hey.
Catch a meeting later? I think I'm gonna do an Al-Anon meeting - again today.
- All right, well, let us know if you think it's worthwhile.
We could turn it into a fun-filled activity for the whole family.
Carl, you want me to make you some eggs? Thanks, but I have coffee and cereal in the morning.
Debbie, scrambled eggs? Coffee for me.
Excuse me.
[cell phone chimes, vibrates.]
Kelly again? [snickers.]
- Yeah.
[laughs.]
- [cell phone chimes.]
So, what are your plans? Uh, well, I'ma go to that, uh, Al-Anon meeting No, not today.
For the future.
I [exhales sharply.]
I don't know.
I-I haven't really thought about it.
Franny needs a real bed.
She's too big for her crib now, and my room doesn't have enough space for two beds, so I was thinking that you could take my room and Franny and I could take your old room.
Sure.
Well, I'm gonna go wake up Franny.
Keep her up there too long, she won't be able to sleep at night.
[jaunty music playing.]
[bed creaking.]
Now there was a time Oh, Kev? When you loved me so Kevin? [exhales.]
Yeah.
- You still haven't - No.
- Hm - How long? 47 minutes.
Oh, baby! This is so fantastic.
Oh, yeah, it's wonderful, baby.
- Oh - And I am so happy - for you, baby.
- Oh, happy, happy! Mm.
But all good things must come to an end.
Can't wait till you see [sharply.]
Come to an end, now, Kevin.
You don't want to try for 60 minutes? Nope.
Now.
Mm.
[grunts.]
- Do that thing with my balls.
- [grunts.]
Okay.
This? No, no, no.
The other thing.
- This? - Yes.
[both moan.]
- Yes! - [grunting.]
How you like me now Oh! Oh.
- Kevin.
- Mm.
[slapping sounds.]
- Mm.
- Okay.
Oh.
[sighs.]
[sighs.]
Make you love me baby Fuck you, Mr.
Vasectomy.
I'm a man again! [laughs.]
[sighs.]
Hey.
- You working today? - [Carl.]
Yeah.
Sorry about West Point.
Oh, it's no big deal.
I mean, it was stupid for me to even apply.
I don't know what I was thinking.
They're never gonna accept someone like me.
It's their loss.
Yeah.
Fuck 'em, right? I gotta get to work.
Can't be late.
Who's gonna fry those fish sticks? - [Frank.]
Ay! Jesus! - [Debbie.]
Ugh.
This is nasty.
Any of those beers have something left in them? No.
Any left in the fridge? Let me finish this first.
Ugh.
Called a couple home healthcare worker places.
Twenty-two bucks an hour.
Thirty for overnights.
Totally unnecessary.
Just set me up in here with my Oxys, a couple of brews, and the remote, and I'm good as gold.
Yeah, you're down here yelling for us day and night.
Totally need someone to take care of you.
Easy.
I'm not even supposed to be doing this.
It's Liam's shift.
Well, then get him down here.
Liam! [Debbie.]
He's not here, and I haven't told anyone where I hid your Oxy, so don't think you can bully Liam into giving you more.
What happened to that G.
I.
Jane chick your brother was banging, the one you were trying to steal? I wasn't trying to steal her.
Sure you were.
You were following her around like a lovesick puppy.
She broke up with Carl.
So she is a carpet-muncher? Don't be an asshole, Frank.
She was cute.
Smart, too.
I was surprised she went for a moron like Carl.
He was definitely punching above his weight on that one.
Kelly isn't gay.
Softball? Really? Bi? Or maybe you just weren't tempting enough for her to risk jumping into gender experimentation.
Women like smart.
Sorry, sweetheart.
You're not the sharpest shovel in the shed.
Now, I bet if it had been your sister, Fiona She's not hey.
She's not brilliant, like Lip, but she's street smart, quick.
I bet if it'd been Fiona, softball girl would've taken that for a spin.
Keep it up, Frank.
You'll never see an Oxy again.
[rock music.]
Not to mention, Fiona got Monica's stripper-on-a-bender, dangerous looks, not that it's made Fiona's life easier.
[Frank.]
Too much pretty can really mess you up.
- [phone ringing.]
- [Liam.]
Hi, it's Liam.
- Liam, where are you? - [Frank.]
Better to be - like you.
- Frank is driving me fucking crazy, and it's your shift.
- [Frank.]
Kinda slow - Love you.
Bye.
[Frank.]
Keeps you realistic about your prospects.
Morning.
I'm not late, am I? He's here.
Who's here? The Captain.
He wants to meet you.
Captain Bob? I thought he was made-up, like Colonel Sanders.
Colonel Sanders was real.
He was? Follow me.
Sir.
Ensign Gallagher.
Best fryer mate I ever had.
Pleasure to meet you, Carl.
Have a seat.
You want a root beer float? - Ah, no - Lori, bring our little white panther here a root beer float.
- Okay.
- You want some popcorn shrimp? Lori, popcorn shrimp, too.
I eat a basket every location I visit, Carl.
Quality control is the name of the shrimp game.
Look at that.
Nicely battered, properly crisp.
Mm, mm, mm.
You really saved my ass the other day, son.
Once word get out you can rob a franchise, the sharks descend.
Give much thought to your future, Carl? - Um, well - Look, I know a young man like you, it's hard to see yourself down the road, but Captain Bob's is growing.
- Carl, you own a Winnebago? - No.
I do.
A Grand Tour.
You got a lake house? - Mm - I do.
Ski boat? Two brand-new Cadillacs? You take a two-week vacation every year down to the Alabama coast? No, sir.
No, you're damn straight you don't, but you will, Carl, if you make the right choice today.
I got a store in East Garfield Park, and it's been robbed six times this month.
You can start tomorrow, Assistant Manager.
500 bucks a week.
In a year, you could be manager.
Hell, in ten years, you could even own your own franchise.
Huh? The sky's the limit, son.
Carl, play your cards right, you could even end up with your own Winnebago.
[laughs.]
[rock music over speakers.]
So, mystery solved.
Yeah? What mystery is that? Homer.
He's not drunk somewhere.
Yeah? What happened? He violated his parole.
Idiot got pulled over with a .
45 under his seat.
- Ah.
- Shit.
I gotta try and find a new mechanic.
Well, there might be time to take the broom out of Jason's hands.
You mean instead of hiring someone who's qualified, I should hire the kid who sweeps up? Yeah.
All right, Mother Theresa.
Show him how to change a spark plug, while I try to find someone who actually knows what the hell they're doing.
- Hey, thank you.
- Yeah, yeah.
Yo, Jason! Hey, come here, man.
Man, you ever change an air filter? I've seen you do it.
All right, I want you to finish detailing the bagger over there, then get an air filter for the Sportster.
All right? I'll come over there and I'll teach you how to change it.
Yeah.
All right.
[door closes.]
Lip? Hey.
What's up? Doctor's office called.
They want me to call them back at noon, uh, go over the results of my test with them.
What time is it now? Five of.
I just thought I should, uh, be with someone in case I try to jump off a roof or throw myself in front of a bus or something.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course.
Yeah.
Hey, Tami.
How you doing? It's none of your fucking business, Brad.
Okay.
Come on.
I'll find someplace to make that call.
There's gotta be someplace else you can keep this thing.
It's scaring away the customers.
I tried to get it in the house.
It just wouldn't fit through the door.
V, I think we can make some money renting me out as Jesus.
People rent Jesus? - Yeah, for parties and stuff.
- Jesus parties? I think that's called church services, Kevin.
Like Santas at Christmas, or Elvis impersonators.
I could work bachelorette parties, be one of those, uh, birthday strippers.
A Jesus stripper? Look at this website.
They got all kinds of people looking like celebrities they rent out.
Hi.
What is all that about? The nuns figured out we were sending both of our girls to preschool for the price of one, so Kev has to be Jesus for their parade, only now, Kev wants to be Jesus all the time.
Praise the lord! I thought you were taking some time away from drinking.
May I have a Coke, please? Absolutely.
What's that? Well, the zoning went through on the lot that I invested in and Max Whitford bought me out of the partnership.
No shit? How much? [whispering.]
$100,000.
- [loudly.]
$100,000 - Eh.
- One, oh - Right? That is fantastic.
So you what are you gonna do with it, buy a new building? Oh, hell no.
Fool me once.
So what now? Well, I quit my job at the gas station - Damn right.
- And now I don't know.
I feel like I got a second chance.
And a third, and a fourth.
V, I could have different costumes for different occasions.
Wedding Jesus.
Uh, Last Supper Jesus.
[Kev.]
Bat Mitzvah Jesus.
Last Supper Jesus? Well, I guess that beats getting nailed to the cross.
[Kev.]
They didn't use real nails, did they? [doorbell rings.]
[distant sirens wail.]
Is Liam here? - Mm, no.
- Really? [Liam.]
Yeah, I'm here.
It's okay, Todd.
I got this.
Hi.
Why are you dressed like that? Going to church.
You go to church? Yes.
I've been texting and calling you.
You're supposed to be at the house right now, taking care of Frank.
I don't live there anymore.
What? You can't just move out.
I did last night.
No, absolutely not.
If you have an issue with it, make something else.
Can I live at Todd's? [all yelling.]
- Please? - Tuna salad gives me the runs.
Somebody get me a beer? His grandma said I can.
Please, can I live at Todd's? Fine! Yes! Yes! [Debbie speaking indistinctly.]
Okay.
I'm gonna do it.
- I'm going now! - Beer! - Go! - Jesus! [bell dinging.]
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm late for church.
[door slams.]
[Tami.]
Yeah, I understand.
[Tami.]
Right.
Great.
Yeah.
No, thank you.
[sighs.]
Let me think it over.
Uh-huh.
[sighs.]
Positive.
BRCA1.
It's good.
That's That's "baby good," right? Yeah, it's "baby good.
" So I don't have to worry about you trying to find any tall buildings or anything? - No.
- Okay.
I'm actually afraid of heights.
Shotgun in the bathtub's more my style.
[sighs.]
Fuck! I don't want to have a baby just to save my tits.
[exhales sharply.]
Okay.
I gotta have an abortion.
I mean, I work in a hair salon.
I breathe bleach fumes all day.
This baby's gonna come out with, like, five heads and a dorsal fin.
Tami.
Tami, Tami.
Hey, breathe.
Breathe.
All right? Good.
If having the baby reduces the chances of cancer, maybe you should have the baby.
And what? Die on the kid when it's 13, like my mom did to me? Leave it an orphan? It wouldn't be an orphan.
Right, because you're gonna take care of it.
Yeah, I would.
And what about when you die, too, Lip? You know, the way you smoke cigarettes, it'll be a miracle if you make it to 40.
I'll quit.
You'll quit.
Right.
Barren place I was gonna rent my own chair this year.
I was gonna save up and get my own salon, - in the next couple years - Tami, that's great.
That's great, all right? You can still do that.
No, I can't, Lip! I'm gonna be a little busy.
I'm having a baby and then a double mastectomy.
[eerie music.]
I need to fuck.
Where can we fuck? Huh? There's gotta be, like, a really, really nasty bathroom in here, right? - Somewhere? - Tami Tami.
Tami.
What? You don't want to fuck me because I'm pregnant? [sighs.]
Then fine.
[door slams open.]
I [engine turns over.]
[tires squeal.]
Hey! Hey! [door closes.]
Fiona? Ready for us? No.
Judge is running behind.
The ADA has agreed to settle your case.
$2,500 fine and time served.
- That's it? - The ADA met with the woman you punched.
She's not too thrilled about putting her on the stand.
She's still railing about the dangerous elements in your neighborhood.
The kids selling lemonade? Can you pull the money together for the fine? - Yes.
- Okay.
Right, I'm gonna come get you when they call your case.
You stand up, plead guilty, and apologize to the court for being an idiot.
Got it.
You seem like a smart girl, Fiona.
Time to leave this South Side hood rat crap behind you and get on with being an adult.
[door opens, closes.]
If anybody in this room has ever fallen in love, it's usually with someone that did everything wrong, that you would never expect Oh, bullshit.
- [woman.]
Why you should have - Anybody here? I need another beer! [applause on TV.]
Carl? Debbie? Beer! [woman.]
Ever, I need to know, are you known Where's your mother? [cheers and applause on TV.]
[man on TV.]
Hold on.
And how how is your Uh, you tall enough to open the refrigerator? I need another beer.
[man on TV.]
Like, a lot of women that I talk to it's like you know, they want, like, Patrick Dempsey and and all The knight in shining armor, and they're You watch these relationship shows, they never tell the truth.
Relationships can be hazardous to your health, 'cause to get a good one, a great one, you need truth-telling, but people don't like truth.
That's why they fill the air with lies like "Mommy loves you" Mm? "Politicians care.
" "Prayer works.
" [door closes.]
I found Liam.
- You lost him? - Says he moved out.
- I need another beer.
- Franny! Did you climb out of your crib again? - Yeah! - Let's get you back, or you're gonna be sleepy! Beer? How do you do that? Are you a monkey? [Debbie.]
Are you my little monkey girl? Can't lemme demonstrate Ninety-six degrees in the shade Talkin' centigrade Life give ya lemons Better make some fuckin' lemonade Come get a sip of this shit Fore the pitcher is empty Cuz I got enough in my cup Niggas on top of the world If they recipe one of the best And I'm comin' right up If you gon' talk about Do you remember telling Liam he could move? No.
Says he doesn't want to be a Gallagher anymore.
Is that an option? Yeah, he's going to church.
Church? Did somebody drug him? Fuckin' lemonade What are you doing? [sighs.]
Giving my uniforms to Goodwill.
Why? You're going back to school next week.
I'm dropping out.
Captain Bob came by the shop, offered me assistant manager.
$500 a week.
Gotta carry a sidearm on me, but I could end up with a ski boat or a Winnebago.
This is stupid.
You're going back to school.
No, I'm not.
Yes, you are, Carl.
I'm a loser, Debbie! A West Point reject with a shitty education and a family history of alcoholism and drug abuse that's bound to catch up with me sooner or later.
Fast food is the best it's gonna get for me.
I've accepted who I am.
Why can't you? I brought the ice with me too They tryna water it down I'm going to get Liam to bring him home.
You coming? No.
Better off where he is.
Niggas never wanna instigate When it's center stage Run up on me try to get away I'ma win the race [panting.]
[Lip.]
Geez.
[panting.]
[fly zips.]
[distant train horn.]
She died at home, in pain.
Took eight months.
Every week, there was just a little bit less of her, until there wasn't anything left.
That happens to me, do you promise to shoot me? Fifty years from now? Sure.
Fifty years.
Sure.
[distant train horn.]
[sighs.]
I'm gonna have the baby.
Good.
Good? - Yeah.
- What does that mean? Means I'm glad you've decided to keep the baby.
I said I was gonna have the baby.
I didn't say I was gonna keep it.
Adoption? Sure.
Why not? Tried and true for scorned women throughout history.
Yeah, I, um I don't think I'm gonna be okay with that.
Okay with what? Some kid of mine out in the world thinking they weren't wanted.
- I mean - For Christ's sake, Lip, you'd be a shitty father.
Hey, fuck you! - I know I wouldn't.
- I give this kid up for adoption, I want to get it as far away from me as possible.
- Guam comes to mind.
- Guam? I don't want to run into some kid who looks like me, or worse yet, you, - at the Costco.
- All right! So I have the baby, or you have the baby, or we have the baby, right? We? Oh, what, are we getting married now? [Lip.]
You want to? Do you love me? [somber music.]
I like you.
And I think we could end up loving each other.
Be still, my heart.
- You love me? - Hell, no.
I actually think I'm starting to fucking hate you.
Tami.
Hey! [engine turns over.]
Where are you going? [engine revving.]
What the hell, Gallagher? What do you want, Kelly? Nineteen nails in my tires.
Sugar in my gas tank.
Someone fucked with your truck? That's terrible.
You gonna try and deny this, too? "Heart Beaker"? You telling me this wasn't you? I know how to spell.
Carl? [Kelly.]
Don't walk away from me! I thought we were friends! Is this about you kissing me? Because I'm sorry I gave you the wrong signals, but I'm not gay! You broke Carl's heart, Kelly! He may not be able to spell, but he's a human being, and he's throwing his life away because of you.
What are you talking about? Carl is quitting school and going to work at Captain Bob's full-time.
He's what? You rejected him, and West Point rejected him.
He's rejected, and he's giving up, and that is on you, for encouraging him to think that he could ever get into fucking West Point to begin with, and making him fall in love with you, and goddamn it, for making me fall in love with you, too.
But this isn't about me.
This is about Carl, and he is giving up, and that is on you, so fuck you, and fuck your dike-y-ass truck! [melancholy music.]
[fence rattles.]
[gate closes.]
- [Ian.]
Fiona! - [laughs.]
[Ian.]
Didn't know you were coming today.
I wasn't.
What, you busy? Uh You know what? I'll fit you in my schedule.
[Fiona laughs.]
Hi.
Mm.
What happened to your head? A guy in the infirmary had lice.
It was easier just to buzz it.
So you're still working in the infirmary? Yeah, well, beats working the laundry like Mickey, plus, I get to put my medical training to use.
Mickey washing undies.
You gotta send me a picture.
Yeah.
Everything okay at home? Oh, well, the usual.
Frank broke his femur and is laid up for six months, driving us all crazy.
Okay.
Lip's girlfriend's pregnant.
Lip has a girlfriend? Debbie's still convinced she's gay.
Carl's working at Captain Bob's.
Liam may be missing.
And I'm thinking maybe it's time for me to go.
Go? Leave.
Move someplace else.
[inhales, sighs.]
Shit.
I can't believe I actually said it out loud.
Someplace else like Somewhere near the equator.
I'm sick of winters, you know? Ice and sleet and freezing my ass off.
Tell anyone else about this yet? Thought I'd try it out on you first.
You should go.
What? You should get the fuck out.
You deserve it.
You should go as far away as you can.
You were hoping that I was gonna try and talk you out of it? [laughs.]
Maybe.
[upbeat music.]
I'm scared.
[laughs.]
[sniffs.]
And now I'm crying.
When would you leave? Now.
Soon.
Before I chicken out.
Go.
Go as far away from here as you can, and don't ever look back, okay? We'll always be here for you.
Always.
- Hey.
- Welcome back.
Yeah, uh, sorry.
Look, I'll, uh I'll make up the hours, all right? I know you will.
- Where is she? - Out front.
Oh, and Oliver Twist is still waiting for you to show him how to change a filter.
Fuck.
Hey, Jason.
I'll be right with you.
- All right? - All right.
You guys have really shitty reading material in this dump.
Got a better selection over at the beauty salon? Hell, yeah.
Gotta keep up on Brad versus Angie.
Sorry.
Yeah.
You should be.
You've been kicking my ass ever since you got pregnant.
I've been kicking your ass since the first day we met.
- I don't know why you like me.
- I don't.
[laughs.]
I'm hungry.
Do you want to get something to eat? Yeah, I, uh, I got a couple bikes I need to finish up.
Cool to wait? Yeah.
[chuckles.]
All right.
You know the difference between perpetual and periodic inventory? No idea.
You gotta know your par level on every item.
Bread'n'Butter pickles and clams are particularly tricky.
- [tires squeal.]
- Shit.
[heavy metal music.]
- Gallagher! - What are you doing here? [both grunt.]
Get off me.
What do you think you're doing? Let me go.
You're going back, shithead.
Uh, wait, are you law enforcement? What? Did he skip bail or something? No.
Friend.
Fuck you.
You think you can ruin your life - and blame me? - Fuck.
- Let me go, Kelly.
- Wow, you're Kelly? You're going back to school, Carl.
Hey, is he gonna be able to work - his dinner shift tonight? - Yes! No! He just quit! [thudding.]
[door slams.]
Now that's a woman.
[door closes.]
Is Liam back from church yet? - Yeah.
- Where is he? - In his room.
- His room? Liam! Good afternoon, Deborah.
[scoffs.]
Enough, Liam.
Come on, let's go home.
Have you noticed anything unusual about me? What? Like I'm black? Yeah, I've noticed that you're black.
- And you're not.
- Your point? That you have never made any attempt to surround me with my own cultural and racial heritage.
[jazz music on speakers.]
Whoa, you know who all these people are? I've been sleeping here a couple nights a week all summer, and no one even noticed.
Know what else? Mrs.
Thompson cooks dinner every night real food And I get Lucky Charms for breakfast.
I can buy you Lucky Charms.
Is that really enough, you think, for a young, proud man of African descent trying to find his identity in today's white America? What's this? My list of demands.
Once agreed upon, I'll consider coming home.
Twenty-nine things? Forty-six.
There's some on the back.
[coos.]
Book.
- [sighs.]
- [babbles.]
- [giggles.]
- Where have you been? Your daughter's made me read The Hungry goddamn Caterpillar like, 20 times.
Caterpillar's dead, honey.
Someone stepped on it and squished it.
[Debbie.]
So Liam's down at the Thompsons', said he's decided he's black and wants us to do a bunch of black shit.
[Frank.]
Black shit? His list of demands.
Look at you.
[Franny.]
Ow, my shoe.
What? What is Seamus doing here? Mrs.
Demopoulos said we could borrow him for a few weeks, as long as we feed him.
He took great care of her when she broke her hip.
Said he loves to give sponge baths.
Sponge bath? Yeah.
Come on, Seamus.
Let's get you a bucket of warm water.
I've seen him eat cat feces out of the sandbox at the playground.
[faucet running.]
Book.
[sighs.]
[peppy Spanish music playing on speakers.]
Can you undo my hands, please? My arm is about to fall asleep.
[sighs.]
Can I go now? - Are you going back to school? - No.
Shit, Carl.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself and man up.
So you didn't get into West Point, so what? Those guys are a bunch of pussies anyway.
Go to OTS.
Earn your commission the old-fashioned way, by being a tough motherfucker.
Who'd you rather serve under? Some Westie dipshit who wrote a paper on Napoleon's Italian campaign, or Carl Gallagher, who can reload a MAC-10 while diving under an Impala during a drive-by? [laughs.]
Exactly.
So are you done being a pussy and ready to get back to being the man that I love? Wait.
What? Damn, you're dense.
[rock music.]
Now go ahead? I need a beer.
You coming, asshole? Hey, Fiona! Found Liam.
He's moved down to Todd's house.
He said he's not coming back unless he gets his own room.
Quick shower, and then we'll go to dinner? - [Debbie.]
Lip! - Okay.
Yeah.
Fiona's leaving.
She's upstairs, packing her stuff right now.
What? [Tami.]
Hey, you guys know there's a giant dude in your living room, giving Frank a bath? Keep your arm up now till I finished under here.
[distant siren wails.]
So Yeah.
Where to? Not sure.
Have, uh, an educated guess, or I'll probably turn around before I even make it to the airport.
No, you won't.
Baby? Who knows? Life, right? [laughs.]
Take care of them for me, will you? Promise? Promise.
[Tami.]
That giant's name is Seamus, and he's trying to do something to your dad with salt water and a turkey baster.
Oh, hi.
[Tami laughs.]
A'ight, well, you're not going anywhere without a goodbye party, all right? No.
Yes, we are throwing you a party, so shut the fuck up and have a good time.
All right, Gallaghers! Party! Yo! So Fiona is going and we are going to throw her a big-ass party.
All right? - Going? Going where? - Nobody knows.
Carl, you're on pizza and beer, yeah? - I'll drive.
- Okay.
- [Debbie.]
I'll go get Liam.
- All right, I'll round up Kev and V and, uh, get the barbecue from Lem's.
- You can drive? - Yeah.
Great.
Okay, wait, wait, wait.
Okay.
Here wait.
Stop, no, for I can do it.
Sh give me the sponge.
I can do it.
Get in there good, now.
- I know how to do it.
- Mm-hmm.
[grunts.]
[Frank.]
Going somewhere? Everybody leave? They're out gathering supplies for your bon voyage celebration.
You skipping the fun? Yeah.
Afraid if I stay, I might never leave.
[laughs.]
It's getting a little tepid there, Seamus.
Could you heat up the water? [water sloshing.]
Seamus? Debbie's idea.
Free.
[faucet running.]
Well, I'll see you around.
You did a good job.
Monica wasn't up to it.
You stepped in and helped.
Thanks.
[scoffs.]
"Helped.
" I did it all, Frank.
[laughing.]
Yeah, well, if that helps you sleep better.
[warm guitar music.]
See you around, Frank.
I doubt it.
Okay, lift me up.
Do my ass.
[door slams.]
[train rumbling.]
[door opens.]
Hey! The barbecue is back.
They were out of chicken, but I got extra ribs! Come on down! Fiona! Fiona? Fiona! Hey.
Popping like the top off a bottle And I ain't stopping yet Baby it's a brand new day Ain't no clouds hanging over me Yo, big Phil! What's up, man? Gonna start today, good morning [groans.]
Think I'd make a shitty dad? What? No.
You'd make a great dad.
Why, you think about having kids? Tami's pregnant.
[Kev.]
No shit.
- Yep.
- Oh, man.
That's fantastic.
You're gonna love it.
Babies are the best.
I'm not sure if she's interested in me being too involved.
She said she thinks I'd be a shitty dad.
- So.
- [Kev.]
Huh.
I, uh I thought since you were a great father, - that you'd - Thank you.
A Beatle on stage I don't know.
Maybe you'd have an opinion.
Baby it's a brand new day About what makes a good father? Yeah.
I, uh I didn't have much of a role model at home.
[beer can pops.]
- Frank.
- Yeah.
No shit.
Good morning I'm not sure if I even know how to be a great father.
You just love 'em, man.
It goes like this It's hard to fuck 'em up if you just love 'em.
But I got the feeling right now You think you can do that? I've been down Yeah.
Yeah, I think so, too.
I've been up, I've been down Do you got the feeling right now? Baby it's a brand new day Ain't no clouds hanging over me Holy shit.
What? A check for $50,000 from Fiona.
Is there a note? Good morning "Love you.
" Yeah, she does.
[Veronica sighs.]
All right! [melancholy music.]
Say it with your chest Say it with your chest Pray it work again Putting diamonds on my back Putting diamonds on my back, yeah Say it with your chest Sorry.
Say it with your chest Pray it work again Putting diamonds on my back Putting diamonds on my back, yeah But you know if I waste my time That's my daughter, Sarah.
She really wanted the window, to see us take off, if that's okay.
She's never been on a plane before.
It's fine.
Let me know if she bothers you.
I'm sure she won't bother me.
[Fiona.]
It's my first time on a plane, too.
Just like last, last night I want more out of life Than this I want more I want more I want more out of life Than this I want more I want more [clamoring.]
I want more out of life Than this I want more I want more I want more out of life Than this I want more I want more