The Goldbergs s09e15 Episode Script

Back in the '80s, my sister, Erica, and Geoff Schwartz had quite the love story.
From friends to lovers to exes and lovers again, all culminating in an epic proposal.
Finally, the wedding was here.
It's nice.
Peaceful.
Are we in the right place? And to think I was worried your mom would do something crazy.
I mean, the Harlem Globetrotters were at your brother's bar mitzvah.
Curly Neal dribbled the entire service.
Well, I guess she finally heard us.
People really can grow and change.
Tech rehearsal starts now! We are two days out.
I want to see sweaty bodies and high knees.
What's happening? Why do we need a tech rehearsal? I just added a few flourishes to the ceremony.
Wardrobe! The wardrobe is my wedding dress.
No, that's your fourth change, so go ahead and put on these processional outfits and let's do this.
Yep, my mom believed in going big.
- Why do I have a sword? - I don't think I can walk in this.
Oh, you won't be walking.
Good men of Rome! Then she went even bigger.
Cue the buglers! Some would say over the top.
Where are my unicorns? Way, way over the top.
Unicorns aren't real! This whole thing can't be real! Cue the New Orleans jazz band! Wow.
She's really all over the map with the different styles and genres.
Yeah, that's the problem.
Cherry blossoms! Flutter! Now! How did that happen? Six men are living in those trees full-time.
They pee in buckets.
Fire-eaters, you should be lit by now! Mom, we have to talk about this! One step ahead of you.
We need more.
Way more.
And where the hell are my acrobats? Yep, those guys were there, too.
My mom left nothing out.
This looks expensive.
Where the hell did my mom go? Something tells me that giant clamshell is gonna clue us in.
Here's my big reveal! It was March 2nd, 1980-something, and my mom had turned my sister's wedding into a literal freak show.
Erica was coming undone.
It's all too much.
I think I'm losing it.
I've never seen you like this.
It's like all your sarcastic, tough-girl energy has been sucked away and replaced with nervous anxiety.
Oh, God! I'm you! - You're me! - We can't have two yous! I know.
One me is too many! Trying to watch the Weather Channel, and I already missed the dew point! The dew point! You want to know the weather? I'm spinning like a tornado here! Yeah, sure, whatever.
That's it! I'm almost your husband, and it is time that I stand up for you.
Time to go confront your mom.
Here I go! - You're not moving.
- Building up to it.
Sending the message from my brain to my muscles.
Here I mostly go! Mrs.
Goldberg, I need One second, Geoff, I've got a troupe of Chinese acrobats lost in Delaware.
Ni xuyao shang 95 bei, huozhe wo hui ba no shuai dao taikong.
Now, you selfishly need something 24 hours before my glorious day? It is about your glorious day, actually.
It has turned into something way bigger than we expected.
Oh, thank you for noticing.
It was impossible not to notice.
You're just saying that.
Are you trying to sweet-talk your mother-in-law? No, what I'm trying to say is, our small, intimate ceremony has turned into an over-the-top spectacle.
You really think so? I don't think you're gonna hear this how I intend it, but Yes? You know, I don't say this enough, but you are not that bad, Geoffrey.
Now you relax.
I'm gonna confirm the surprise musical entertainment.
I'm not gonna give any hints, but let's just say it hits all the right "Marks.
" Seems like you're suggesting it will be multiple people named Mark.
Well, aren't you the sleuth.
Now go enjoy your last day of freedom.
But don't eat anything, or else you won't fit into your sequined matador costume.
I measured you in your sleep.
But I don't live in the same house as you.
I know.
- How'd it go? - Extremely terribly.
Oh, God! There's nothing we can do to stop this! It was hopeless.
Or was it? We have a winter storm alert.
We had hoped that it might miss us, but now Philadelphia is directly in the path of a doozie.
Is this really happening? This is really happening, folks.
- Yes! - I just heard the word "storm"! It had better be over a place that doesn't matter, like wherever it is that farmers are.
Nope, right here.
Crazy unseasonal winter blast.
They're saying it's gonna be a doozie.
But wait.
Oh, no! The wedding! Schmoo, don't fret.
I'll just send that nor'easter back out to the sea with my endless well of Mama love.
Yeah.
What exactly is happening? Foul tempest, I banish thee! The weather, you can't control it.
Begone, evil squall! Will you look at that? Now our storm is actually changing course! Changing wha In all my years of meteorology, I've never seen anything like this! No one had.
It had to be a crazy coincidence, right? Folks, we've been spared.
See? It's all good.
We're gettin' married! Mwah! I don't I can't How? Is my mother-in-law a storm god? I guess we have no choice but to accept it.
This wedding is happening.
As Erica continued to spin, Barry and I also had strong feelings about the big day.
So, what are you planning for Erica's marriage thingy? Showing up.
- You? - I may pop in.
What are you gonna wear to this shindig? Mom rented me a tux, top hat, and tails.
- You didn't get the cane? - I don't need a cane! My legs are made of oak.
I'm using either a king's scepter or a tactical hiking axe.
I'm going with a bejeweled wizard's staff.
Oh! Why? For upstaging me with sorcerer's items! Now I may not go at all.
Meanwhile, Geoff was going to stand up to my mom again by pretending to be sick.
You coughed.
What's happening? Nothing.
I-I just have this cough, I guess.
Which I guess you just heard.
There it was again.
Geoffrey, you get married in less than 23 hours.
You cannot be sick.
Oh, no! You don't think we may have to delay the wedding, do you? That would be awful, but it's your call, and definitely the right one.
Take three cherry drops, two menthol, and one of these weird European ones that taste like a yodeler's armpit.
I think it might be more serious than just a cough.
What are your symptoms, Geoffrey? Because all you need to be is upright and able to mumble, "I do.
" Well, I'm dizzy.
My tummy's bothering me, but it's also my head.
My eyeballs are hot.
My teeth are cold.
And is this a thing? My tongue, it's expanding.
Loog, ith happenink light mow! Smart.
Call off the wedding.
I'm not calling off (BLEEP).
Get me all the doctors! Doctors? W-We don't need to bring medical professionals into this.
We are gonna poke, prod, and check your fluids, and if all goes well, smash you together good as new! Adam! Barry! Is it time for the wedding? I'm not showering.
I've thought about it, and I no longer want the honor of being the ring bearer.
Mostly 'cause I lost that tiny pillow.
Nothing to be alarmed about, but I'm taking Geoffrey to every physician in the Philadelphia area.
- Sounds right.
- How does that concern us? Since I'll be busy with Geoff, it means you boys need to take Erica to our scheduled Mother-Daughter Spa Day.
Spa day? That's girl stuff.
Yeah, do these rugged hands look like they would ever take part in whatever feminine hijinks goes on in that building that was clearly a Taco Bell once? I'm with Barry.
No Taco Bell toes.
You'll get a pedicure, a facial, and a hot-stone massage.
And make sure that Erica gets the stress relief she so desperately needs! Here I go, I guess! Great.
Now we have to be pampered.
Weddings are so challenging for the brothers of the bride.
As we set off to relax with Erica, Geoff was about to do anything but.
This boy is not well.
Drain him, scan him, and scrape him, mouth to exit.
Leave nothing out.
You can leave the exit out! M-My exit is perfect! N-Not that I examine it! I mean, it It does its job.
Relax.
Let's explore.
As Geoff did anything but relax, that's all we were doing.
Robes? I don't do well in loosely-bound clothing.
I'm a magnet for ill-timed breezes and errant doorknobs.
Love your body, Adam.
I love mine.
It's why I don't use the belt.
Well, you should.
I'm already freaking out about this wedding.
There can't be more for me to unsee.
- What's her problem? - Who am I? The guy who wants to know her? Oh, my God, you two dopes are so lucky.
No one will ever marry you.
Oh, no, thank you! I don't like it when people touch my F Hachi machi! Ooh, please do not stop until you are legally mandated to.
And so, our very different journeys began.
As we found ourselves in a state of deep relaxation Oh, yeah.
Yeah, really get in there.
Geoff, on the other hand, did not.
Please don't make me go in there! Please! Oh, man.
That is cool.
Uncool! Shouldn't I be wearing a lead vest? Do hot stones hurt? Do spinal taps hurt? Ooh.
Ohh! Ooh! Aah! Today was so nice.
Thank you guys so much for coming with me.
- I had a great time.
- This was amazing.
Wait.
Are you guys crying? All these luxurious treatments have opened up things in me.
I know.
I'm examining my life in ways I never have before.
I'm just so happy that you're marrying Geoff.
It's just so beautiful.
It really is.
For the first time, my pores and my heart are open.
You're marrying my best friend.
Oh.
I would go over there, but it's just too far.
While the spa made us right, the doctor couldn't find anything wrong.
We've run every test imaginable, son.
I mean, some not in the least bit routine for a man of your age.
The mammogram did give me pause.
I can't find anything wrong with you.
Well, then there has obviously been an error.
Geoff, back in the tube.
No, don't make me go back in that mean robot's belly! Have you been feeling any stress recently? A little.
Got a wedding coming up.
I have a diagnosis A classic case of cold feet.
Impossible.
Geoff loves Erica.
All he wants to do is marry her.
It's too bad that Dr.
Cold Hands here couldn't help me.
Guess I'll have to go tell Erica the bad news We'll have to indefinitely postpone.
And that's when my mum made a diagnosis of her own Geoff was full of (BLEEP).
After being forced by our mom into a pre-wedding day of relaxation, my siblings and I were riding high.
Spas are the best! Who knew my skin, nails, and brows could look as perfect as the rest of me? Lately I've been feeling crazy with all this wedding stuff, so I'm really happy that we got to do this spa thing together, the three of us.
Sis, we're the lucky ones.
We got several uninterrupted hours with the bride! I don't see why we shouldn't do this every weekend.
We're spa siblings now.
Spa siblings? I love it.
Is she the best? I feel like she's the best, and we've taken it for granted our entire lives.
Definitely.
We gotta do something to keep her in a good head space this weekend.
What if we made her a batch of that cucumber water from the spa? Yes! To the crisper drawer! Beverly, for the, uh, ceremonial smashing of the glass, will a liturgical broom and dustpan be provided, or is the one from my garage okay? Forget the wasteful ancient traditions of my people! We got a bigger problem.
The groom is the picture of health.
Well, that sounds like good news for a young man about to be wed.
It's not.
The doctor says he's got a raging case of the yips.
Ooh.
Yeah, that burns.
No! It means he's got cold feet.
Oh, my.
And as the terrifying mother of the bride, I trust that you're gonna give him the space and time he needs to come to his senses? I am gonna bring so much pain, he'll need a second epidural after the one I forced him to get earlier.
I may be but a humble deacon masking as a rabbi for the wedding of my boss' daughter, but that is a bad idea.
It could permanently affect your relationship with Erica.
Erica.
Crap! I forgot she was even part of this! You thinking what I'm thinking? We wallop Geoff with these cukes and picks? It's time the brothers Goldberg had a little chat with the groom.
And so, Barry and I set out to defend our spa sibling by giving Geoff a little special treatment of his own.
Nice style choice, fellas.
Barry, you look like David Bowie in his business-chic years, and, Adam, you look like Meryl Streep in Kramer vs.
Kramer.
That is so kind.
She had so much gravitas and - And we're tough guys! - That's right.
We exude danger, and you're terrified of us and the lines we might cross.
The only thing I'm terrified about is that I haven't offered you a lemonade.
Will you guys get on in here? Don't tell me what to do.
I tell you what to do 'cause I'm bad cop.
And you know what? I'm also bad cop! Dude, we can't both be bad cop.
It's twice as intense.
Which gives him no reason to trust us.
Who are you, good bad cop? Did you guys need something, or - You say nothing! - Talk and die! Whoa! Tell us why you don't wanna marry Erica! What? Who said that? Tell us why you're gonna smash our sister's delicate heart into a million tiny pieces! Barry? Adam? What's going on? Your brothers are trying to intimidate me for some reason.
I hate that you have to learn it this way, but since we are spa siblings, you must know Geoff, he doesn't wanna marry you.
And we'll take any number of household items to do harm upon him.
Because spa siblings.
I do wanna marry Erica, and what the hell is a spa sibling? Aw, did you guys threaten my fiance on my behalf? - Wow, we really did bond today.
- So hard.
Family finally means something to me.
And Geoff doesn't have cold feet.
He's just faking sick to get out of the wedding.
If you wanna get married, why are you trying to get out of it? Because Mom planned the most over-the-top ceremony of all time.
Geoff was just trying to give me what I want.
- Aww.
- He cherishes you.
I really do.
I know that only moments ago, we were planning on committing violence upon you, but now all that rage has turned into a mushy clump of love.
We're all spa siblings! I guess since this whole sick thing didn't work out, there's only one thing left to do.
Hide in the attic like I did when my dad tried to make the family walk the Freedom Trail? - It's like a hundred miles long.
- No.
It's my wedding.
I gotta stand up to my mom.
- That's not gonna end well.
- Probably not.
But she's not gonna do it alone.
We're a team.
While our feelings toward Geoff had warmed, it seemed the weather had not.
What do you mean all flights are canceled? Baruch ata adonai Aunt Ida, just, uh, hand the phone to the witch typing loudly in the background.
Melech ha-olam Is that the proper amount of guilt and phlegm? I don't care what the FAA says, the BEV says open all the gates! No one's ever been killed by a little ice.
Actually, Grandfather Antoine met the Lord while grabbing the Ottawa Journal on our driveway sleet.
Olav ha-sholom, Pappy Brown.
Don't you put me on hold D Dammit! Beverly, we have big problems.
Cousin Hertzel is stuck in Newark! And I heard that Geoffrey wasn't feeling well from multiple calls from our panicked insurance agent.
Relax, Linda, I made sure he had every tube, needle, and camera jabbed into him.
And do you know what the diagnosis was? - Cold feet.
- Like frostbite? Oh, Lou's side does have a history of terrible circulation.
And your whole family are Ferrignos? Oh, my God! You're all so stressed and miserable.
- It's hilarious.
- Everyone stop! I don't have cold feet! Yes! So my plan to not kill you was the right one.
We need to talk about the wedding.
Erica, believe me, Mama will make sure that everything goes as planned.
- That's just the thing - Hey! The storm is back and tracking right into us, folks.
Please, cancel those plans and stay inside.
No! I diverted you once, Mother Nature, and I'll do it again.
Move, wretched blizzard! Not if my sister had anything to do with it.
Come on, storm buddy.
Ice us! Ice us but good! The temperature is dropping incredibly fast.
They have a concerning amount of confidence in their sway on Nature.
Erica, you're moving the storm the wrong way! I'm moving it right where I want it! Stop! It's for our dream wedding! This isn't my dream wedding, it's yours! How dare you.
I have been working non-stop to make everything perfect.
How dare you! I wanted something simple and sweet, but you've turned it into a literal circus.
I think I saw a bearded lady.
That may have been my Great Aunt Edna.
She has pituitary issues.
Oh.
Well, I hope you're happy, 'cause now it looks like there's not gonna be a wedding.
Of course I'm not happy, Mom.
I can't wait to marry Geoff, but I just want it to be my wedding and not yours.
Thanks to the weather, Erica and Geoff's wedding was off.
But an unexpected ice storm Wasn't the only surprise that day.
Are you Rock-Pop sensation Richard Marx? In the smoking-hot flesh.
Not the real Richard Marx.
No, I definitely am the real Richard Marx.
Look at my lustrous hair.
This gorgeous mane sold 10 million albums alone.
And this smile? - Another 10.
- If you're the real Richard Marx, then how big is a Grammy? Well, I don't think you have to be Richard Marx to know that, but - About yea big.
- It is him.
The man who wrote Don't Mean Nothin' about the perils of the entertainment business.
Serious question, who's that for? Look, your mother hired me to play a wedding, but the roads are closed, so I wanted to return her check.
Richard Marx is a class act.
It's true.
Global superstardom and endless wealth haven't changed me.
Anyway, it's really bad out here.
Could I come in? Although I do feel like I know you intimately because of your emotional lyrics, you're still a stranger.
- Dad! - What? - Can Richard Marx come in? - No! But I'm Richard Marx.
He's always grumpy.
Just don't set up in front of the TV.
I've written a ton of power ballads.
You, uh, wanna hear 'em? Not even a little.
As we welcomed in a global pop star, my mom had to face her own music.
Hey.
- Hey.
- Errm.
I want to tell you something.
What? Did one of the unicorns accidentally gouge a fire-eater? I am sorry.
I wanted to throw you a wedding as big as the love I have for you instead of the one you really wanted.
Mom, I tried to tell you, the wedding of my dreams just needs this guy that I'm crazy about and the people that we love around us.
Nothing more.
I see that now.
Um, well, come on.
I want to show you something.
Oh, you might want to put on your dress and tux.
And so, in the house she grew up in, surrounded by all the people she loved, what was the biggest wedding in Jenkintown history became the smallest.
And it was just what Erica wanted.
Oh, my God.
This is incredible.
My little peanut.
Yeah, well, your brothers took care of most of it.
For you, we'd do anything.
We don't say it enough, but we love you, sis.
So much.
That's so sweet.
And holy crap.
Is that Richard Marx? - Damn right it is.
- Hello.
He's the only thing I kept from the original celebration.
Is it okay? Mom, this is perfect.
Thank you.
Sweetheart.
You ready? I've never been more ready for anything in my life.
So, under the glow of our candlelit living room, Erica and Geoff, high school sweethearts, got hitched.
Sometimes, the right guy has always been there, carrying a cello and unable to eat Thai food.
But I love your kindness, your compassion, your endless patience, and your love.
It wasn't what they had planned.
You've never washed a dish, nor accepted any criticism in the gentle way I intended.
But you've also never backed down from a fight when you knew it was the right thing to do.
I love your strength.
I love your courage.
I even love your family.
But mostly, I love you.
But it turned out to be the perfect night for the perfect couple.
By the power vested in me, by the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, I pronounce you man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
Geoff was right.
We all felt the love in the house that night as our families joined to become one.
It was a dream come true.
For Erica and Geoff, for my parents, for all of us.
My baby's married! Excuse me.
I was wondering if I could maybe get my check back now? Your check for what exactly, Richard Marx? For my performance.
- I kinda nailed it.
- Oh, my.
A certain platinum artist is very big for his britches.
Well, I'll tell you what.
I'm gonna write down a number, and you can either take it or leave it.
That is not a number.
And why would I do that to myself? Oh, boo-hoo.
Write a sad song about it.
Oh, I will! And it'll be a number-one smash hit! - There you go.
- And I'm taking this! - Beautiful hair.
- You, too.