M*A*S*H (MASH) s09e16 Episode Script

That's pretty good.
You ever think of auditioning for the Rockettes? The best physical I ever had was back in W.
W.
I from a pretty little mademoiselle in a French farmhouse.
The only time I ever had my reflexes checked without a hammer.
Of course, my mademoisellin' days ended with the armistice - the one I signed with Mildred.
- Shh! How are the tubes? - 165 over 93.
- Can't be.
Take it again.
I did it twice.
That's the best of the two.
Damn! If my diastolic's over 90, the chief surgeon's gonna yank me right out of here and stick me in some weenie job sittin' in a stateside hospital, rubber stamping bedpan inventories.
You can't be sure of that.
Pierce, the army is always on the lookout to 86 an old sawbones.
They love bringing in young bucks who haven't even unwrapped their scalpels yet.
Everything else looks good.
Your blood count, chest X-ray, E.
K.
G.
Do me a favor.
Knock four points off the diastolic and 15 off the systolic.
The chief surgeon'll never know the difference.
Listen, for once, I agree with the army.
There's a good reason why they don't fool with those high numbers.
When it comes to the cardiovascular system, I'm not gonna fudge.
Damn it! This is my last physical! Nobody's gonna yank me out of the rat race until I've crossed the finish line.
Listen, I know you.
You wouldn't fake it for me.
Wait a minute.
This physical doesn't have to be in for two more weeks.
Can I buy a little time from you, Pierce? I know I can reduce the old pressure P.
D.
Q.
That's fine with me.
But you know what that means, don't you? No salt, no caffeine, no booze, no cigars.
Easier done than said.
And most important, you can't let yourself get aggravated.
There's a lot of pressure in running this place.
- You're gonna have to roll with the punches.
- Don't worry, Pierce.
I'm gonna take a two-week vacation in the state of tranquillity.
And you can help by keeping this under your hat.
I don't want everybody in camp treating me like some doddering old fogy.
You're absolutely right.
Let me help you down from there.
Ah-ah-ah.
Just a tranquillity test.
Sir.
! Sir, I've been looking all over for you.
Well, son, if you had looked where I was, I would have been right there.
You don't understand, sir.
You forgot to sign the form for my pass to Tokyo.
I left it on your desk, but I guess you overlooked it.
Oh, I didn't overlook it.
I nixed it.
How could you do that, sir? Son, it wasn't my doing.
It was yours.
H.
Q.
Says all your morning reports for the past 60 days are 100% wrong.
Impossible! I fill out those morning reports every few days like clockwork.
Unfortunately, 60 days ago, they changed forms, and you didn't.
You mean I have to do those reports all over again? - Afraid so.
- Oh, sir, that's a mountain of work.
That'll take me at least a week to climb it.
It's a good thing I'm gonna be getting a couple days in Tokyo to freshen up for the job.
Wrong.
You can say sayonara to Tokyo.
H.
Q.
Wants those new reports in three days.
Sir, let me go to Tokyo.
There's no hurry.
It took 'em 60 days to find out I was doing it wrong, didn't it? - Now, look, Corporal, I'm already getting a lot of flak - Colonel - What? - This isn't worth getting excited about.
Oh, yeah.
Right.
Klinger, you've got three days to make a molehill out of that mountain.
Toodle-oo.
How do you like that? He ruins my whole weekend, and he seems happy about it.
Boy, that burns me! Relax, will ya? He was just doing his job.
Oh, yeah? Well, he seems to enjoy the work.
And what's with you telling him I'm not worth getting upset about? I don't want him getting upset about anything so don't go grumping around the office.
- Ha! I have not yet begun to grump.
- Klinger, drop it, will ya? Oh, yeah? Give me one good reason why.
I'll give you 165 over 93.
[Potter.]
And now, for today's last bit of news.
This morning, the first robin of spring was spotted entangled in a camouflage net.
Soon our fancies will turn to things romantic, like mosquitoes.
When those skeeters arrive, their bags will be filled with malaria so it's top priority that you start taking your weekly chloroquine pills again.
I now return you to your regularly scheduled repast.
[Applause.]
- Please, please.
- Loved your speech, sir.
I couldn't put it down.
Breakfast is on me.
Why, thank you, Igor.
- Uh, morning, Colonel.
How you feeling? - So far, so good.
- Uh, that's not coffee, is it? - Oop.
Just habit.
First thing in the morning.
Thanks for catching it.
Good morning, Colonel.
Beautiful day, isn't it? - You have a restful night? - Wouldn't know.
Slept right through it.
- Sir, is that coffee? - So they tell me.
Why? Because it's awful today.
Mmm.
Absolutely undrinkable.
Well, then, lucky for me, I wasn't planning on drinking it.
Boy, these eggs are bland.
I think they threw the eggs away and scrambled the cartons.
Hunnicutt, would you care to explain what you just did with the salt? Oh, that? I'm saving a seat, uh, for Father Mulcahy.
Pierce, why is everybody suddenly so concerned about my eating and sleeping habits? - I guess 'cause you're such a swell guy.
- Not for long! You've been tattling about my physical condition.
Please, I thought we weren't going to discuss that.
Colonel, you mustn't aggravate yourself.
It elevates a person's blood pressure.
That is, if a person has a problem with it.
- Hello, all.
- Father, here.
I saved you a place to sit.
- Oh, thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
Colonel, you're not gonna drink that coffee, are you? You even blabbed to the priest! Is nothing sacred to you? Two lousy days.
The peace talks are a year behind.
That doesn't bother the army.
- Morning, Klinger.
How's it coming? - Oh, wonderful, sir.
- Nothing like an early morning dip in a sea of paper.
- So Pierce told you too.
Relax, sir.
I don't know a thing about your blood pressure.
I didn't want anybody to know but in your case, I'm better off making an exception.
Permission to treat the old man with kid gloves.
- Oh, what have we got here? - Oh, some medicine.
- It just came in from "l" Corps, sir.
- Good.
Probably the chloroquine.
- Sir, I'll give you a hand with that.
- No, no, no, you do your reports.
I think I can open a box of pills without stressing myself.
What in Hannah's hell have you done now? - What are you talking about? - You ordered the wrong damn medicine! - That's what! - Hey! Hey, keep it down.
There are people who need peace and quiet here, and you're one of them, Colonel.
This eight ball ordered primaquine instead of chloroquine.
I'm sure I ordered what you asked for.
Oh, yeah? I'm surprised you didn't order Anthony Quinn.
On second thought, that would have been an improvement.
At least he could act like a clerk.
Calm down, Colonel.
Thanks a lot, Klinger.
Hey, I didn't do anything wrong, honest.
I'll show you.
I got the requisition form right here in my files.
[Scoffs.]
I'll show you.
Will you look at all that junk? Probably the only file with a cake in it.
- That's just a doughnut.
I save them to bribe the rats.
- Relax, Colonel.
There's no emergency.
We can get by with the primaquine.
At least we can keep the malaria in check.
If it's the same medicine, why is everybody yelling at me? - Because it's not exactly the same.
- Not by a damn sight.
Chloroquine's just a suppressant.
Primaquine's the curative.
Oh, well, that explains everything.
They only give primaquine to guys who are going home.
- Which leaves you out for sure.
- Look, it's better than nothing.
- Not by much.
And what about the Negroes? - What did I do to them? Sometimes Negroes suffer bad side effects to primaquine.
As long as we control the dosage, there won't be any problem.
This may be a hard pill to swallow, but Klinger didn't foul up.
- He didn't? - Of course I didn't.
I told you that.
No, the depot's out of chloroquine.
So just for now, they sent us primaquine.
- Oh, I see.
- Do you want me to take these pills that I did not screw up over to the Mess Tent? No, you just dig into your reports.
I want to make sure these are handed out properly.
If you need me, just holler.
I'm sure you know how to do that.
Uh, listen, son, I'm sorry I yelled at you.
Aw, sir, I couldn't stay mad at you.
I'll be okay.
I hope you will be too.
Yeah.
And give me some of the hash blue potatoes.
Good choice.
Ah [Mutters.]
- Here's your primaquine, Colonel.
- Danke.
I hope you're making sure nobody gets more than one of these little bonbons.
- Don't worry, sir.
No seconds.
- Kind of a shame.
- Probably the best-tasting item on the menu.
- Yeah.
And they don't aggravate your blood pressure either.
[Knocking.]
- [Knocking.]
- Come in.
I thought you might like some breakfast.
Oh, mighty thoughtful of you, Major.
Just set it down over there.
Oh, you already have something to eat.
Captain Hunnicutt brought a little eye-opener an hour ago.
I feel like a Don McNeill Breakfast Clubber.
I'm sorry, sir.
That's all right.
You just go back to sleep and then when you wake up, you can have breakfast and lunch.
- Good morning.
- And then dinner.
Okay, Klinger.
How ya doin'? What happened to this place? It's all over the place.
Please, I'm working.
I love what you've done with this room.
I see you've papered the floor.
You should have been here an hour ago.
It was a mess.
Damn it, Klinger.
You've been at it a whole day.
Is this all you've done? Type in "MASH 407"? No, no.
No, l-I did other stuff.
I found some morning reports and I put 'em, uh, in this pile.
You picked up some reports and put them in a pile? - You must be exhausted.
Why don't you take a break? - Oh, thank you, sir.
If Potter walks in here and sees this mess, he's gonna blow his stack.
- Is that what you want? - No.
No, sir.
Then stop sulking around like a little kid.
I am not, sir.
I'm just so tired.
L I can't seem to get going.
I bet you'd be able to get going to Tokyo, though, wouldn't you? Look, I'm gonna do something I very rarely do.
I'm gonna give you a direct order.
Fix those reports and clean up this room! - You understand? - Yes, sir.
I'm really gonna get with it, sir.
You can count on me.
That's my sleepy-time pal.
I'll keep Potter out of here while you rebuild this disaster area.
Ooh! [Groans.]
[Groans.]
Nothing like an afternoon out with the boys, eh, Colonel? I appreciate the heartfelt concern, lads, but truth be told I was havin' a pretty peaceful time cuddled up with Zane Grey.
Come on.
We know you.
After a couple of shoot-outs you'd be moseying on over to your office.
- What's wrong with that? - Nothing.
But an office means work, work, work.
What you need is fun, fun, fun.
- There's Charles.
Let's sit with him.
- I thought you said fun.
- Would you like some invigorating company, Charles? - Indeed I would.
Sit down.
- See you around, guys.
- Oh, thanks, Charles.
We will.
So, how goes the war of nerves, Colonel? Well, well, Pierce.
For a minute there, I thought you had missed somebody.
Winchester's the only one who hasn't been killing me with kindness.
I thought the nicest thing I could do for you, sir, would be to keep my distance.
- There's a lesson in that for you two.
- So, what'll it be, folks? - Oh, that's a sweet-smellin' stogie.
- It oughta be, sir.
- Pure Havana.
- Wow.
Cheroots like that are hard to come by around here.
- Say no more.
Here you go, Colonel.
- Ah! Sorry, Colonel.
Your body is a no-smoking zone.
Easy there, gents.
I don't inhale these.
I just invite the smoke into my mouth for a quick rendezvous followed by a lingering au revoir.
Close, but no cigar.
- Yes, sir, warden.
- Okay, so, what are you drinking? I'll have a lemonade.
Make it a double.
That sounds refreshing.
I think I'll have one too.
- Squeeze a glass for me as well.
- I'll have another cognac.
Wait a second, fella.
If you're gonna sit at this table, you're not gonna have any booze.
First of all, fella, cognac is hardly booze.
Secondly, this is my table.
I was sitting here quietly, minding my own business when suddenly I was set upon by Captain Carrie Nation and his traveling temperance show.
Let the man have what he wants.
So, what's it gonna be? Lemonade.
Hold the cookies.
Winchester, I'm fed up with your mollycoddling.
- What? - Hello.
Colonel, I just wanted to see how you were feeling.
- Crowded.
- Oh.
Well, I was just dropping by on my way to post-op.
- Okay, guys, what'll we do for fun? - How about some darts? I wouldn't advise letting me near anything sharp.
- Why don't you play some poker? - Poker.
- Poker.
There's something I can deal with.
- All right.
Hit the deck.
Oh, boy, there's nothing like life on the Mississippi.
I'm a little short of long green this week and I know you rubes are good for a peso or two.
You mustn't play for cash.
Too much tension.
Poker isn't poker without stakes.
- Here.
We'll play for pretzels, okay? - Good idea, Hawk.
- Deal, Colonel.
- Pretzels? Geez louise! Some pretzels, will you? On your way to post-op, stop off at Klinger's office for me.
Find out if he's got that place back to its normal state of upheaval.
- Of course.
- There's only so much lemonade we can pour down the colonel.
Klinger's still not moping about that pass, is he? - I hope not.
- If that office is still dirty, I'll mop it up with him.
- Here we go.
- Uh-huh.
- Two for you, two for you, two for you.
- Oh.
- Okay, pigeons, ante up.
- Ah-ah-ah.
Salt.
[Gasps.]
[Gasps.]
- How dare you! - Of course I'll respect you.
You miserable, selfish, malingering louse! - Oh, Major Houlihan.
- Don't you "major" me, soldier! Look at this pigsty! Get up! Oh, oh! Please, Major.
You're hurting my back.
It's probably just overloaded from the weight of all of those goldbricks.
No No, I mean it.
I feel rotten.
Maybe I got malaria or something.
I never had it as a kid.
Malaria, huh? No fever.
- Have you had any chills? - No.
- Did you take your primaquine? - Yeah.
Then you certainly don't have malaria.
You're just mad 'cause you didn't get your pass and you're taking it out on the sweetest man who ever lived.
- [Helicopters Overhead.]
- Choppers! Get off your duff, soldier! [Groaning.]
I'm crawling as fast as I can.
- There are only two more out there.
- We can handle them, Colonel.
- Why don't you knock off early? - I like being in on things.
When I was a kid, I hated eating dinner with the little people.
Always stuck us at a rickety card table.
What's the progress report on Klinger's office? He was fast asleep, and his room is a nightmare.
I think we should rename it the mess hall.
I gave him a direct order to clean that place up.
I can't believe Klinger would do something so crummy.
Clamp.
- Clamp.
- I wouldn't put anything past that jerk.
He even claimed to have malaria, and he didn't have a single symptom.
All right.
That does it.
I'm putting him on report.
- How do you do that? - What's with the sotto voces? - You got a problem there? - [Both.]
No.
No.
No.
- Everything's fine.
- Everything's real smooth.
- Very nice, very nice.
- All sewn up here.
Take him back to post-op and bring in the next unlucky devil.
- I'll need some gloves.
- I sent Goldman for some.
I don't know what's taking him so long.
- I sent Goldman for those.
Where is he? - Over there, Major.
Goldman, this is no time for a coffee break.
Sorry, Major.
I don't know what it is.
I'm just so tired, and my back is killing me.
You're in the way here.
Go rest in the changing room.
Soon as the doctor is free, I'll have him look at you.
Sure, you believe him.
I've got the same symptoms, and I'm a goldbrick.
It's not the same.
His back hurts, and he's tired and Uh-huh.
It is the same, only I had it first.
Well, I never know when to believe you with all the stunts you've pulled.
I never pulled anything on the job, and I never ever would pull anything on the colonel.
I'm sorry, Klinger.
Go on and rest in the changing room.
- Okay, let's see you make that little uvula dance for me.
- Ahh.
Very good.
Wait right there.
What do you think? - It looks like they're both anemic.
- Anemic, huh? We won't know anything until we run some tests.
If they weren't Caucasian, I'd think they were having a reaction to the primaquine.
It could be mono or hepatitis.
We may have the beginnings of an epidemic on our hands.
We'd better isolate them from both the camp and Potter.
I just feel so awful about the way I treated Klinger.
There's a lot of that going around.
I hope his back is too sore to carry a grudge.
You take care of Klinger.
I'll see to Goldman.
Klinger, I have one more order for you.
- Forgive me, please.
- That goes for me too.
I'll think it over while I'm resting up from my imaginary disease.
- And just what is it I don't have? - You have nothing to worry about.
You and Goldman picked up a little bug.
For now, we're gonna put you both in the V.
I.
P.
Tent.
I can't go there.
I gotta finish those reports.
The colonel's counting on me.
Don't you worry about a thing.
We'll take care of everything.
Why is everybody being so nice to me? Oh, my God! I'm gonna die.
You gotta save me.
You said you liked me.
You're not getting out of here that easy.
Come on.
Let's go.
Father, I need your help.
You stay here and wait for Colonel Potter and if you want to keep him as your commanding officer whatever you do, don't let him near his office.
Major, you just volunteered to come with me.
Oh, gee.
Sorry, Major, but with the exception of some fund-raising for the Boston Symphony Orchestra, I don't do volunteer work.
Move it, buster! Ah, Colonel Potter, we were just talking about you.
Uh, Padre, you're alone.
That's why I'm so glad to see you.
Now you change, and we'll go someplace and have a chat.
Have a snack in the Mess Tent.
- That's not your office.
- Can't argue with that.
Why the sudden surge of sociability? I just realized that we're together day after day and we've never really sat down and chewed the fat.
So, tell me about the Midwest.
I hear it's flat.
Ah.
Oh.
Okay.
All right.
Now I need the post-op patient status report for April 11.
I haven't the foggiest idea where that would be.
- Well, look under "P.
" - Post-op under "P"? That is the one place I know it won't be.
We must not labor under the delusion that these were filed by another Homo sapiens.
The last ones I found were under "G" for "getting better.
" Just what do you suggest we do? Burn the damn place down, take a tax loss.
There it is, plain as day hemolytic anemia.
- Mmm.
- I hate to sound like a broken record but we've eliminated everything but the primaquine.
Yeah, but the book says this is only supposed to happen to Negroes.
It's a new pill.
Maybe the book isn't finished yet.
So, maybe the pill is color-blind.
So, what do you say we take him off the primaquine and see what happens? We might as well.
It's the only thing that makes sense.
We've discovered a new medical procedure take no pills and call me in the morning.
- It's a very interesting hypothesis.
- We take them off everything.
- That or chicken soup.
- Excuse me.
But would you three great scientists stop patting yourselves on the back and get down on your knees and help me find the status reports for April 26? Okay, but nobody ever talked that way to Louis Pasteur.
Of course not.
He was French.
Is it true that pigs are smarter than horses? Padre, go ask a pig and a horse.
Whichever gives you the best answer, that's the one.
Now let me in my blessed office.
! I never "rassled" a priest before, but God knows you're giving me good reason! What in Samuel Hill hit this place? Uh, sir, it's not as bad as it looks.
Nothing could be as bad as this looks! Now, Colonel, no point in getting yourself in a tizzy.
- No, sir.
Please, sit down.
- Where? - Uh, maybe your tent.
- [Hawkeye.]
You can go take a nap.
And I'll get you a nice glass of warm milk.
Just the thing to soothe the nerves.
- [Shouts.]
- I can't stand it anymore! The next person who's nice to me is gonna die with boots on mine! I'll have no more of this from any of you! Understood? Boy, that sure felt good.
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
It's been, uh, two weeks with no primaquine.
Congratulations, Maxwell.
Your blood is good to the last drop.
Boy, am I glad.
I was getting tired of being anemic.
Yahoo.
! [Laughs.]
137 over 88.
! - Wonderful numbers.
- You made it with two points to spare.
I know that.
I wanted to give myself a little leeway.
Now, if you'll excuse me.
- [Clears Throat.]
- Oh.
- Ah! - Ahh.
[Knocking.]
- That you, Klinger? - I think so, sir.
What's left of me.
Howdy, son.
Looks like you had yourself quite a weekend in Tokyo.
Beyond description.
Let me tell you about it.
First, I got sick on raw fish, and a sumo wrestler fell on me.
Then I got thrown out of a geisha house for leaving a ring around the bath.
And to top things off, I got flattened by a hit-and-run rickshaw driver.
When they hit-and-run, they really hit and run.
Sounds as if you had the worst Tokyo weekend in history.
Not really, sir.
Corporal Goldman reporting, sir.