The Goldbergs s09e16 Episode Script

1 Back in the '80s, there were no closer friends than my brother Barry's crew, the JTP.
They played together, lived together, even did whatever this was together.
Yep, they were inseparable.
For my brother and his boys, this was how it would be forever.
- Or so they thought.
- Oh, man, that was an epic Pat's vs.
Geno's cheesesteak taste battle, and they're still going at it inside me.
Uh, it's nothing the good folks at Tums can't handle.
I read an article in Reader's Digest.
- Said to use Gas-X.
- Oh.
Let's see, I can't read the dosage.
- Is that a "3" or a cartoon butt? - Let me take a look.
Here, can you hold my walking stick? What's going on with you guys? You're acting like old men.
How much time does Naked Rob need in the bathroom? Ow! What was that? Look, it's a bunch of kids smashing fruit like we used to! Attention, random youths! Did you get express written consent to play our game? What are you saying, old dude? "Old dude"? How dare you? We're young like you.
Maybe younger.
Judging from your use of the phrase "How dare you?" you probably have a bank account.
Shows what you know.
I don't.
Bar, you don't have a bank account? Not even a simple checking? - Gotta build credit, bro.
- Never! And I challenge our peers here to a game of smashball.
Bring it on, George Burns.
I assume you mean teenage George Burns, so thank you.
And so began the most embarrassing game of smashball the JTP ever played.
- They whiffed bad.
- Oh! They swallowed their pride - and probably some seeds.
- Oh! Ugh! And in a game that they created, - a game with no real scoring - Oh! or means to determine a winner, - JTP clearly lost.
- Oh! Ugh, I think I have a grape in my ear.
Also, how long has Naked Rob been in the bathroom? I mean, at what point do we check? I'll go get some Nuprin from my car.
No pills! Our bodies heal themselves naturally.
It's more about pain management.
No, the JTP never give up.
To quote the sloppily edited-for-TV version of Lethal Weapon, "I'm too old for this ship.
" No, we are not! If anything, we're too young for this [bleep.]
Ow! It was March 16th, 1980-something My newly married sister was headed out for her honeymoon.
Okay, I'm off to the Poconos with my husband.
Whoa, "husband.
" That sounds so weird.
Am I saying it right? - "Hoos-bond"? - The Poconos? I thought that place was made up.
Nah, it's a place where young people who have no jobs or money go on their honeymoon.
"Hey, we're married now.
There's a tree.
" Have your fun, but while I'm starting my new life, - you'll be here all alone with Mom.
- What are you talking about? Dad's at that furniture convention, remember? - Oh.
- Wow, people will really convene - over anything.
- And while he's away, Mom is gonna be on you like gravy on rice.
You put gravy on rice? You can gravy anything, Dave Kim.
But the point is, Adam's in real trouble.
Dammit, she's right! She's gonna smother me like gravy on muffins.
Gravy is not that versatile.
- Unless - Unless what? you watch our apartment while we're away.
Water our plants, check our mail, be there when our new dishwasher arrives.
No way.
You just want me to be your houseboy.
No, but the delivery window is anytime between 8:00 and 6:00 for the next 13 days.
Adam, exciting news.
I made us matching bed coats for our thrilling week of fun together.
Mom, I realize Dad's out of town, but it's actually my spring break.
I know that, silly.
Welcome to South Madre Island.
I bought a Frisbee and a couple of inflatable flamingos.
Hey, just like MTV but not at all.
- I'm gonna go.
- Me, too.
Have fun in your spring-break bed coats.
Wait! Actually, Mom? Erica asked me to watch her apartment while she's away, and I graciously accepted.
But that's downtown, where the buildings and busy people are.
I would have loved to stay and braid your hair, but brother duty calls.
- You made a good choice.
- Ultimately, I didn't have one.
While I was fleeing my mom for the big city, Barry was determined to return the JTP's youthful spirit.
- Do you have pogo sticks? - This is a Shade Shack.
Dammit! What else ya got that can rekindle my best friends' youthful spirits? Have you seen these? They're red.
In that moment, Barry knew exactly what would help his friends feel alive again.
It's perfect.
So, dudes, for $99.
99, I can turn you into stars.
Or detail your cars.
Either way.
You two, leave.
Whoa! There's a man who knows what he wants.
- What do you want? - Your search is over.
I got your next boy band right here.
Excellent! I would love to meet this child that you are obscuring behind your strange body.
The child is me.
I and my similarly shaped amigos will become the next Menudo.
But, you know, in English.
May I inquire as to how young a teen you may be? What's with the Barbara Walters interview? Apologies.
This is my younger brother, Jean Calabasas.
And before you ask, different fathers.
He wasn't gonna ask.
Well, then, here's an answer to another question you have not yet posed.
Yes, you're a star, baby! - I am? - He is? I awkwardly just said it, didn't I? I took one look at you and your anonymous bros, and I can tell you, your boy band is gonna be a success.
I knew coming to the mall today would solve all my problems! Brother, uh, private business meeting.
I'm not comfortable with this.
You want cash for culinary school, he wants to give it to you.
Everybody wins, especially me.
I can hear you guys.
And pretty soon, with my little bro's expensive guidance, America's gonna hear you on every radio station.
I'm assuming you can sing and dance.
- Obviously.
- Doesn't matter, but I knew it.
So, as soon as that cash hits my hand, this guy is gonna jump aboard your rocket ship to fame and fortune.
Rocket? I don't wanna get in any vehicle with this guy.
And that's the kind of honest feedback you can expect from this mall's preeminent boy-band aficionado.
Take my father's money! As Barry was getting his band up and running, Dave Kim and I were heading downtown - to see what it had to offer.
- Wow, we're on our own in the big city.
The concrete jungle, where buildings touch the sky.
And blot out the sun.
I hope these city dwellers are supplementing with vitamin D.
Come on, let's just get out there and see what she has to offer.
The art, the cuisine from far and wide, the most sophisticated and urbane people in the world.
Philadelphia? There's a guy out there in an Eagles jersey screaming "Dallas sucks!" as he pukes.
It's a Tuesday in the spring.
Dave Kim, whether you like it or not, we're downtown boys now, and we're gonna do downtown-boy things.
- Fine.
I could get a coffee.
- Yes! Let's do it.
So we hit the streets.
And for a moment, it was pretty great.
Ah, I love coffee! It's so bitter and awful, but also alluring and delicious.
My twitching eyes and racing heart are distracting me from my impending tummy trouble.
But, soon, the streets started to hit back.
Hey, spare a dollar? Oh, sorry, but I only have a 20.
And I only got three toes.
He makes a good argument.
Well, spend it wisely.
- Hey, give me these.
- Hey! Whoa! He can really move for a guy with incomplete feet.
But our bad luck didn't end there.
Hey, you guys want to see a show? I can't read it.
Is it a play or a musical? It's called "Girls! Girls! Girls!" And the cast is wearing a lot of lipstick.
They'll do or wear whatever you want.
Oh! Immersive theater.
Oh, no! Adult situations! - Run, Dave Kim! - Run where? It's all a blur! Oh! Even the magic show we stumbled upon didn't lift our spirits.
That one has to be the queen.
Sorry.
Well, you are quite the prestidigitator.
- [Bleep.]
you call me? - Run, Dave Kim! - Hey.
- Why are we running so much? My God, millions of people choose this life? And how have we passed 20 tattoo parlors and not a single LensCrafters? Okay, we'll be safe as long as we stay together.
Oh, there's my mom.
- See ya.
- But we're downtown boys! I'm sorry.
I'm not, and I never will be, a downtown boy.
- That's not your mom! - And just like that, I was alone in the big city.
Which totally wasn't a problem, right after I called my own mommy.
- Schmoopie, what is it? - I was robbed by a man with no toes! - Oh, no! - And I saw some ladies - through the crack of a door.
- Oh, no! And the magic-show man raised his voice at me.
- Oh, no! - The city is awful.
Everywhere I go, something drips on me, even when it's not raining.
Where's it coming from? Mama's on her way.
Poopaloo! The city can't get you now.
Lock the door! There's a bike in the hall! As my mom came to my rescue, Barry wanted to save his friends from thinking their best days were behind them.
JTP except for Geoff, who's on his honeymoon! JTP except for Geoff, who's on his honeymoon! I have great news.
Your pathetic display yesterday of weakness and physical dilapidation has borne fruit.
I, I wouldn't say pathetic.
How dare you let yourself age.
Aw, come on, Bar, it's not about getting older.
We're just a little distracted.
Like, I think I picked the wrong major.
I mean, art history? What the hell am I supposed to do with that when I graduate? I, too, am at a crossroads.
Um, my dad's retiring.
And I always thought, you know, if nothing panned out, I could just follow him into that career, but that door has just been shut.
You're upset you can no longer manufacture toddler car seats? We saved lives.
Except for that one model.
I've gone as far as I can go at the Gap.
The back-to-school rush used to be exhilarating.
But nowadays, it's just like, "Will these kids please stop unfolding the jeans?!" I was barely listening, but I have the perfect solution.
We're gonna be in the next great boy band.
Hey, I'm Jean Calabasas, your manager and boy-band consultant.
And it's worse than I thought.
Bar, what's going on? We're not boys anymore.
We're boys who just happen to be older than conventionally aged boys.
- You mean, adults? - Sure, but also boys.
And I have the perfect name for our band.
"Men4Boyz"? I took one of the best boy-band names, Boyz II Men, I flipped it, then I doubled it.
That reads like "Men for boys.
" We're a tad older, but still youthful.
Twice as good.
I flipped it, and then I doubled it.
Yeah, I'm gonna move on.
He's not getting it.
What does this guy do? I really don't have an answer for you.
Maybe, uh, nodding and smiling.
He's the man behind the men who are boys.
For example, you, uh, you want a soda? - He gets you a soda.
- No.
- He writes the songs.
- I don't.
- Does the choreography.
- Uh-uh.
Free spirit who can't be tamed.
I love it.
What do you say? Will you take my hand and join me on this journey of dance-pop success? I do need a distraction.
I mean, the deadline to switch majors isn't till tomorrow.
Maybe my father will see me struggling and not retire.
All the right reasons.
Hands in! - Men4Boyz! - I'm not saying that.
- Sounds bad on the ear.
- I don't get how you don't hear it.
To the studio! Come on.
Come on, Jean.
None of you can ride with me.
My brother had somehow convinced the JTP to form a boy band, despite the fact that none of them were actually boys.
Gentlemen! Look at each other closely.
Today is the last day you're all nameless losers.
- Losers? - Don't you want this? 'Cause there's a trillion other boys right behind you who do.
That seems like too many boys.
Okay, I'll jump right in, or we'll never get home.
Show me your moves.
I have pretty severe arthritis in my ankles.
- It's hilarious.
- Uh, is this gonna be high-octane? The highest.
- How are your singing voices? - Not good.
I have something called performance burps.
I produce too much saliva.
Will that be an issue? I sing like an angel, but, unfortunately, I was just diagnosed with a rare condition called Dog-Hair Lung.
I guess that's not nothing.
Damn right, it isn't.
'Cause Jean here is gonna transform us from a ragtag group with an alarming amount of physical and emotional ailments into a teen sound sensation.
Why don't we start with some scales? No need! I've already taken the liberty of writing an international mega-jam with choreography.
It's called "Age Appropriate"? There's a slim chance some of our fans might think we're slightly older than our smokin'-hot teenage personas.
So I decided to steer into the skid, crafting a song that both rocks bodies and answers questions.
Uh, I guess we're really gonna do this.
Two, three, four! Oh, girl, where are you from? It's super cool that we're both so young Yeah, girl I think it'd be groovy To take you out to an R-rated movie Hey, girl, there's nobody finer But I cannot hang with you if you are a minor Because of my age, certain statutes apply If you're under 18, then I'm just not your guy Yo, girl Or should I say, young lady I need to see some I.
D.
, and then we can go crazy You gotta be age appropriate We're boys but also men Please be age appropriate - And that means 8 plus 10 - Or older What's up, girl, or should I call you "madam"? I know you don't know me, know me from Adam Adam's my brother, he's 17 If you're young like him, then you're too green But if you can vote or buy a gun Then you and me can have some fun You gotta be age appropriate We're boys who can grow beards Please be age appropriate Or else it would be weird That was amazing.
- Yes! - That was your takeaway? Besides the lyrics and our voices, it was so great to groove with you guys.
- I liked the little shuffle we did.
- I liked the shuffle, too! My ankle's kinda blowing up now.
Jean, get on the phone, call Veterans Stadium.
Why exactly would I do that? 'Cause we're gonna need a venue that can hold all our screaming fans.
You have half a song about a kind of controversial issue, and that guy is laying down.
You see it, too.
Okay, I'll put you in our mall showcase with the other children, but it's gonna cost you another $99.
Boys, we have our manager, and he loves our sound.
I got a dollar if you have 100.
As the JTP was dreaming of superstardom, my mom had come to rescue me from my big-city nightmare.
Schmooey, spring break is here.
- Time to rise and shine.
- Ugh, no, thanks.
Between the coffee shakes and the ominous soundtrack of the city, - I barely slept.
- Oh, - well, I guess I could take a stroll.
- There you go.
And so, my mom began her own big-city adventure.
- She got coffee.
- I just bought coffee from a woman named Domino.
- She made friends.
- How delightful! She explored the local art scene.
A one-woman show at a bookstore? - And, of course, she shopped.
- Yay! The combined headwear of Mary and Rhoda, TV's most modern and independent gals.
She met the colorful locals.
Oh, my! You are the most scrumptious mama I've ever seen! I know! Such splendid and unnecessary color.
You know, I don't think I've ever said this to a woman before, but I love you.
Yep, unlike me, my mom couldn't get enough of her downtown adventure.
She didn't want it to end.
There you are! Thank God! - Let's go.
- Yeah, we should go.
Shoot! What about Erica's dishwasher? - Shoot.
- She doesn't need a dishwasher! - She's got Geoff.
- No, you know what? You go.
Take the car.
No sense in both of us waiting around.
Love your thinking.
How full is the gas tank? Doesn't matter.
I'm not stopping.
As my mom was discovering she was a downtown girl, Barry and the JTP were preparing to get up onstage - in front of a bunch of kids.
- Wow, they are really good.
- And really boys.
- Not to worry.
When they see our act, they'll go cryin' home to Mama.
Because they still live with their parents, because, again, they're boys.
Ah-ha! There they are, my golden geese.
'Cause we're gonna give you a stack of hit records.
What else could I possibly mean? Are you boys ready to go on? - He just called us boys.
- I'm pumped! I have the right shoes on.
- This is really happening.
- I can't let you do this.
Um, he means that we can't let you do this without a good-luck pat on the head.
Ooh, wow.
So wet for no reason.
- No, my conscience won't allow it.
- I don't get it.
Why do you suddenly not believe in us, Jean Calabasas? Because I never believed in you.
I just wanted to open a burger stand in a train car.
Guys, now that the adrenaline has flushed from my body, I'm realizing I'm about to sing and gyrate in front of a bunch of children.
What have I been talked into? - I see my niece out there! - Yeah, I'm 100% out.
- Guys, wait! - No, Bar, I, I can't believe you're gonna let us go out there.
What am I wearing? I can't believe you made us do a photo shoot on the pier.
- The pier, Barry! - Okay, I'm sorry.
Maybe I was just trying to convince you guys that no matter how old you are or how your bodies feel or what life throws at you, you can do anything, 'cause you're the JTP.
You're invincible.
I just wish you would see yourselves the way I see you.
That was incredibly moving.
No refunds, boys.
While Barry was upset to give up his boy-band dreams, I was ecstatic to be in the comfort of my own home.
Man, it's good to be back in the loving bosom of the 'burbs.
But what happened downtown, the things we saw, hell, the things we did Don't be surprised if society doesn't understand us anymore.
Is your mom home yet? Someone needs to feed me.
She should have been here by now.
Can we call your mom to feed us? She's working at the restaurant feeding someone else's son.
I'll call my mom and ask if she can get one of her friends to feed us.
They live for that kind of thing.
- Hello? - Mrs.
Kremp? Essie, is that you? Where are you with the wine? It's Adam Goldberg.
Oh, my God, you sound exactly like Essie.
Randall, you gotta hear this! There are people at the apartment.
Mrs.
Kremp, what's going on? Did my mom ask you over so she could tell you how to feed me? No, that's gotta be Essie.
Essie, darling, where's the wine? That's what I'm saying.
It's not her.
Dude, you mom is having a bohemian city party.
My mom embracing the counterculture? She wouldn't let the guy who patched the roof use the bathroom.
Whatever she's doing, it sounds like that apartment is full of life and new ideas.
That's when it hit me.
- She was in trouble.
- Oh, no! Mama! Everyone, hands up! Or you have to deal with blue here! - Adam? - Oh, sweet Mama, you're alive! So, it's not just on the phone.
Has he always sounded like Essie? I don't know.
I didn't hear it till today.
Yeah, I'm gonna leave.
There are, like, murderers and stuff out there.
Adam, baby, why'd you call the fuzz? "Fuzz"? You're even using their lingo now? - Who's "they"? - City folk.
How are you thriving here? I don't know.
There's a new discovery around every corner.
Exactly! And I'm terrified of all of it! I mean, I'm supposed to go to NYU next year.
How the hell am I gonna survive that? - Schmoo - I just don't think I can do it.
I just don't.
After failing to keep his best friends youthful with the boy band, Barry felt more out of tune than ever.
Hey, Bar, can we talk? So you can tell me you're replacing me as leader of the JTP? - Why would we do that? - 'Cause I tried to make you shimmy for preteens and their moms.
Well, admittedly, that wasn't great, - but the idea behind it was.
- Yeah, you were just trying to lift our spirits.
And you saw how burdened we were with all the stuff that comes with getting older.
And you wanted to remind us that no matter what, we're young at heart.
And you did it because you love us.
I really do.
And we love you, too, man.
And that makes you the best leader the JTP could ever have.
JTP! JTP! Get in here.
So, does this mean you might reconsider forming a group? We have something else in mind.
With that, the JTP didn't return to the stage.
But they did return to the Wawa.
Cheggit.
Grampa Munster is back for a rematch.
Game on.
As the JTP reclaimed their past, - I was still worried about my future.
- Hey.
I got you a souvenir.
A Liberty Bell key chain? Really? So I can be constantly reminded that I couldn't hack it in the big city? Adam, next year, you're gonna put your dorm and mail and bike keys on this, and a million other keys that are gonna unlock the whole world.
That's sweet.
But, honestly, I'm not sure I'll survive.
I'm gonna have to live in New York on my own.
It's gonna be an adjustment.
But you'll learn to love it, and you'll never be alone.
Oh, because I'm gonna have a roommate going through the same things I am? Oh, no! I'll be there constantly.
Turns out, I love the city.
I know.
- When did that happen? - Too late.
I never got the chance to live the life you will as a young person.
And truthfully, I regret it.
And the last thing I would ever want is for you to regret it, too.
Thanks, Mom.
Part of growing up is facing change.
And change can be scary.
But even though you can't turn back the clock - Yeah! - every once in a while, you might be able to slow time down a little.
JTP! - JTP! - More than anything, in the end, living in the present is what's most important.
When you savor every moment with the people you care about most, - life is extra sweet.
- So good, man.
Oh, yeah.
- Nice.
- We did it, man.
Adam, what the hell?! Oh, right! The dishwasher.
Thanks for bringing it in.
- Who are all these people? - I'm Randall.
- This is Domino - Hi! - Juniper - Hey.
- Roxie - I don't want to know all these people.
And, Adam, I didn't give you permission - to throw a party.
- Oh, this isn't mine.
Who wants sangria? The peaches are from Carlos's bodega! ¡Gracias, Carlos! We are gonna have such a good time being downtown girls.
Oh, no.