The Office (US) s09e16 Episode Script
Moving On
No.
You lied to me, Andy! You pretended to be in this office for three months, and you were sailing on your boat! - I resent that.
I never lied to you.
Really? "Hey, David, all is good in Scranton, P.
A.
" And all was good in Scranton, P.
A.
, that day.
"By the way, Oscar says hi.
" Oscar says hi all the time.
He says all kinds of greetings hi, hello, hola.
You're telling me you've never heard Oscar say hi? - Andy - You're calling me a liar? - Andy - By the way, that reminds me.
I want to ask you about some of the lies you've been telling me lately.
- Watch it, Andy.
Oh, here we go.
January 7, 2013.
"Hey, Andy, all's well.
Been meaning to make it down there, but my wife's sick.
" Well, which is it? Is all well, or is your wife sick? - Busted! - My wife? This has been a really tough time.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- Has it? - Erin just dumped me, and I can't remember any of the "aha" moments I had on the boat, and I know it sounds weird to say, but I really miss my beard.
- Shh.
- It was like a security blanket.
- Andy I'm not gonna fire you.
You're not? - No.
- That's awesome.
I wouldn't own the company if it wasn't for you.
So I owe you that.
David, I'll be there for you.
These five words I swear to you.
When you breathe, I want to be the air for you.
I'll be there for you.
That's a poem by J.
B.
Jovi.
I want you to have it.
We are even now.
Understand? - Got it? - Crystal.
And you are on very hey.
Very thin ice.
Vanilla.
Vanilla Ice.
He was a band.
The Office S09E16 Moving On - Good morning.
- Good morning.
And how are you on this fine d Okay.
Ahem.
We ready? Don't use that part.
Last week, Erin told me that our relationship will be proceeding without me.
Ahem.
Now I have to see her every day at work, which is brutal.
When people say office relationships are a good idea, they never talk about what might happen if you break up.
He sounds like a wounded animal.
Should have put him out of his misery and just fired him.
I can't be around sad people.
It makes me sad.
I'm the same way with horny people.
Okay.
Yes, Pete and I have started seeing each other, and Andy still doesn't know.
We thought that keeping it secret was more considerate to him.
And hot for us.
I mean, I saw Pete's butt.
It's sick.
Oh, that's mine.
I'll just I'll get it out of the way for you.
Jim set up a job interview for me today in Philly.
It's with a real estate company, which is a great fit for me, because I live in a house and I know what a bathroom is.
I'm sorry.
I am just very nervous, because, honestly, this is all moving a lot faster than I expected, and and because my resume can fit on a post-it note.
No, don't just let her eat the grass.
She'll puke it right up.
Okay, just put out two bowls and see which feed she prefers.
I'm sorry to be taking up so much of your precious time, Mose, but she's your aunt too.
Fine.
I'll see what I can do.
- I need you.
- Dah! Dwight.
And you should take breaks more often.
I've been waiting there for 45 minutes.
- What? What is it? It's my aunt Shirley.
She's on her last legs.
- Dwight, that's awful.
- You have no idea.
I mean, her hair, her clothes, it's all falling off in great, big clumps.
And we need someone to go out there and clean her up.
We had a nurse, but she quit, because she was "poisoned" by aunt Shirley.
What do you mean by poisoned? Probably nothing.
Or strychnine.
Or lemonade and strychnine, which is actually what it was.
Okay, well, I'm very sorry about your aunt.
- Thank you.
- But I don't see how this is my problem.
Angela, you owe me one.
Remember? Now, please.
She's an old woman, Angela.
She needs a woman's touch.
- It's all hanging out - Ugh.
And there's parts of her I don't even recognize.
There's this one hanging part in particular that's some sort of flap.
- It's fine.
It's like a prehensile wing or something.
- I don't know.
- Oh, God.
All right.
I can't okay.
- I'll help you.
- There's a divot where it was, and it needs it needs Where are you going? Uh.
Not on a three-month boat trip.
- Oh, burn.
Ha.
Excuse me, everyone can just leave whenever they want now? How dare you? I'm still the boss.
- The answer is yes.
- I have some messages for you.
Are they from you? Well, no, they're from clients.
Well, then I don't want them.
You can keep 'em.
In fact you can keep that big, blue nautica sweater.
- I know how much you love it.
- I can't.
No, I insist upon it.
It's an awesome sweater.
Some great memories tied up in that thing.
These are messages from clients who want to buy paper.
I don't want to talk about work right now.
Well, I only want to talk about work right now.
Then I want my big blue sweater back.
Well, I gave it to the salvation army.
- I've got this seat adjusted just right.
- Perfect.
Yeah.
She got rid of it.
My blue sweater.
What is that about? - I was just leaving.
- Stay.
We are in the brozone layer.
Okay, Nard Dog, Plop, and Clarker Posey, A.
K.
A.
Clarkwork Orange.
Here's the sitch.
Erin dumped me, natch, but she got rid of my blue sweater, which was her favorite.
Is she moving on a little fast, or am I being a total psycho? Plop, you go first.
I don't know.
Women do tend to move on quicker than men.
Survey says Doesn't make me feel better at all.
Zero Clark thirty, what do you got? Well, look at it this way.
Being a bachelor is not all bad.
I mean, you got your freedom now.
Last night I ordered a pizza by myself, and I ate it over the sink like a rat.
There you go.
Good for you.
No.
You're just letting it all hang out.
That's what It may not seem like it, but this really helped, so thank you.
- Cool.
I'll give you $100 to wear that sweater to work tomorrow.
Aunt Shirley, hello, it's me, Dwight.
Oh, looky here.
It's big city Dwight.
Careful you don't get mud on those fancy town shoes, big city Dwight.
- Hello, aunt Shirley.
- Who's this little kitchen witch? She's so tiny, like a little kitchen witch.
This is Angela, and we brought you some new clothes.
New clothes? What for? - Oh, dear God.
Okay.
- Oh.
Oh, my God.
You know what, before you put the new clothes on, Angela's gonna get you cleaned up a little bit.
Yes.
How would you like a nice, warm bath? How would you like a mean, cold slap? Ow! Okay, aunt Shirley, dear, can I get you a nice crisp liter of schnapps? - I could do that.
- Okay.
- No.
No.
- Yeah, trust me.
- No.
- It keeps her docile.
Go to the kitchen, get the largest receptacle you can find.
Step on it.
Why doesn't Erin seem sad? Has she found someone new or something? And, if so, why hasn't she told me? Is she trying to spare my feelings? During break-ups, the mind goes to some crazy dark places.
Andy, don't.
No good can come from snooping.
I'm not snooping.
There's just some crud on her screen.
You're clearly snooping.
- That's kind of uncool, man.
- Andy.
- Aw, come on.
- That's her private property.
- Boo! - Uh, hello? Who's snooping on who now? What does that even mean? - Everyone, just please - What's it say? - Put it down.
- Andy.
- Hey! - Come on, Andy.
- Put it down.
- That's Erin's private property.
Oh, my God.
- See.
- Nosy'll get you.
Told him so.
It just doesn't make any sense.
Darryl, Clark, Kevin, Toby, plop, take a knee.
All right, you guys are gonna think I'm psycho again.
Couldn't shake this feeling that Erin's dating someone, so I looked at her phone.
Man, you can't do that stuff.
You'll only find pain.
When my ex-wife got into my email account, she was devastated.
Too late.
I found out she's been texting a guy named Pete.
Does anybody know a Pete? - Pete.
- Hmm.
Pete what? It just occurred to me that Andy has been calling me plop for so long he forgot my real name.
Which is Pete.
Hello.
- Hey.
There she is.
- How you doing? - Hi.
Hey, do I look okay? - You look great.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- What's that? - Is that a - Okay, I know where you're going with this, and this is who I am now.
I'm a douche.
But look what I can do with my hands.
Gotta go.
Vip just walked through the door.
How are you, Isaac? You have something in your ear.
It's a phone.
Yes, it is, and thank you so much for setting up this opportunity.
I really appreciate it.
- Of course.
Anything for team Halpert.
You're gonna crush it, Pam.
Thanks.
- You are gonna crush it.
- Mmh.
Wow, I missed you.
Wait, are you saying that into the phone or are you saying that to me? - Call you right back.
What were you saying? Haha.
- Aw.
- Hey, Jim.
We got Trent Edwards on the line.
- I've gotta go.
- Okay.
But, you know what, team Halpert, okay? You're gonna crush it.
You're gonna smash it.
Okay.
- Good luck.
- Bye.
God, she drank so much.
And so quickly.
Mm.
In her prime, Shirls could put away homemade schnapps morning, noon, and night.
Now all it takes is 1/2 liter.
She's dreaming.
All right.
Let's get her out to the yard so you can spray her down.
Spray her down? No, it's a lot better than it sounds.
There's a private shower area, very tasteful and very rustic.
Hey.
Come on in.
Have a seat.
Uh, thanks for coming in.
I just got to get something off my chest.
I just got some really weird news, and, uh, I'm just gonna come out and say it.
I just got off the phone with my doctor, and turns out I contracted ch-lamydia from Erin.
And it's incurable.
Pretty lame, huh? Yeah.
- You were gone - I knew it! - For a long time, Andy.
- You and Erin are f Andy, just so you know, there was no overlap.
- No overlap? Great.
Good.
Wow.
This is suddenly so easy.
Guess what? You're fired.
- What? - Yeah.
You are fired.
One of the perks of being boss.
I can fire anyone who steals my girlfriend.
And, wow, that turns out to be you.
Yup, sorry.
* So you had a bad day - Andy.
- * The camera don't lie - Andy.
* You're a big idiot, get out of my office * - Andy.
- * Turns out you're fired * because you suck * And you're fired if you want to talk to me, I'll be in the annex, all right? I'm gonna be in the annex.
Toby.
Toby.
You can't fire Pete.
You understand why, right? No.
Andy, we had this exact same conversation when you wanted to get rid of Nellie.
You can't just get rid of people over grudges.
Nellie was a professional grudge.
This is a purely personal grudge.
All right, well, look, while I have you, this is a relationship disclosure form for Pete and Erin.
They already have a contract? "Mutually agree to" Every phrase is like a dagger in my crotch.
- It's just boilerplate.
You don't have to read it.
Well, I'm not signing away my rights.
I already signed it.
I was just showing you.
Okay, well, we'll see about that.
Andy, that's not the original.
And destroying it will not stop them from dating.
Andy.
It's the original.
* If they're talking Chester Avenue * * Talking triplex * talking converting is that her? Hey, guys.
- Say something.
I said - Hello.
- Hi, I'm Mark.
- Hi.
Pam.
Hello.
I'm the horrible boss around here, but please don't hire Jamie Foxx to kill me.
* Django I don't agree with the use of the n-word in that movie.
It's too soon.
- I'm Pam Halpert.
- Oh.
Hi.
They call me Marky Mark around here, because here at Simon realty we are one funky bunch.
Come on, you guys.
Raise the roof when I say that.
What are you, all temps again today? Let's go, Gangnam-style.
He's heard Gangnam Style.
He knows it.
Right? That's 'cause he's American.
- This is Carl.
- Hi.
- He's, uh, from here.
He's from our neck of the woods.
But Gangnam Style is great, isn't it? Oh, my God.
He's Michael Scott.
- Time to get clean.
- It's hosing time, aunt Shirley.
Have a seat.
You're gonna have a hard time hearing her over the roar of the hose.
- We have to do chains? - Oh, you'll see.
- Here we go.
- Get this show on the road.
- Let's do it.
Ready? Here's a box cutter to get her clothes off.
- Dwight! - Let's get to it.
- Give it a whirl.
- No.
No.
Dwight, I'm not gonna hose your aunt down like some animal.
Stop your bellyaching and hose me.
I need you to hose my aunt.
- No, Dwight.
- Okay, you are useless.
- No, no.
- Give me the hose.
Dwight, I won't do it.
I'm gonna give your aunt a proper bath and a haircut like a lady.
And you two are gonna shut up about it.
Do you have a bathtub? - Yes, ma'am.
- Good.
This is not so much an office as it is a rec room with a bunch of computers in it.
And, frankly, if I had my way, I'd toss the computers in the garbage, but unfortunately we use them for practically everything we do, so That ain't gonna happen.
He's a temp.
Don't worry about him.
Alice! All right.
Stay awake, okay? Hey, Nellie.
Mm.
I am so sick of February.
It's the shortest month, but it sure doesn't feel that way.
We should catch up.
Um You know, I've been going over my notes from the trial Oh, no, Toby, no.
I feel like I might have glossed over a few minor points.
No, Toby, you cannot keep blathering on about this Scranton strangler.
Do something about it.
Get it out of your system, whatever it takes.
- I've been drafting a letter.
- For two years! Then what? Another year picking out a stamp? Another six months before you decide to lick it? Just I don't want to hear it.
My aunt Joan.
Oh, well, she she worked here before I did, so there's no nepotism involved.
In fact, to be honest with you, I'm probably a little harder on her than I am on the rest of these people.
Can you not work on this? Work on this month's.
Okay, Nana? When I say, "chillax," people chillax.
Watch this.
Hey, Roger, chillax.
He must not have heard me.
- No.
I heard you.
Step this way for the Spanish inquisition.
Kids in the hall.
Just it's not high pressure.
It's just a little cawfee talk.
Okay? Like buttah.
Come on in here.
- Mike Myers.
- Oh, my God.
Thank you.
Thanks.
Thanks a lot.
Really appreciate it.
You guys were supposed to have my back, okay? Instead, you let a guy named plop steal my girlfriend.
Hey, boss, I did everything I could.
I invited Pete out for drinks.
- I emailed him shots of my junk.
- Ugh.
Kid doesn't have a romantic bone in his body.
- Come on, Andy.
They're a good match.
That doesn't matter, okay? What matters is that I am hurt.
Deep hurt inside of me.
I don't care if they're Romeo and freaking Juliet.
I feel like the guy Juliet dated before Romeo.
Probably her boss.
And guess what? Juliet's boss also had feelings.
- Hey, Andy.
- What? You got a booger bubble going on there.
Sorry.
That's okay.
My whole life is a booger bubble.
This is a tiny resume.
Papa smurf.
Come back to the mushroom.
- It's from the smurfs movie.
- Yeah.
I've seen that with my kids.
It is tiny.
But I've actually been commissioned by the city of Scranton to paint a mural What does this say here? What language is this? Swahili? Oh, wait a second.
- Now I can read it.
- Oh, 'cause it was upside-down.
You're a good audience.
Unlike some of these people around here.
Yeah.
The city commissioned me to do Yeah, we don't have a lot of call for doodling around here.
But I like this resume, and here's why.
It shows that you stick around.
Yeah, you don't jump ship easily like a lot of these people.
I mean, they they worship me, you know, but do they like me? I mean, do you think they like me, Pam? Yes.
What if Bob Dylan was your boss? I'm gonna do Dylan.
* Pam Halpert is my name * I've been at Dunder Mifflin for * Seven years? Eight years.
* Eight years, man * got the Dunder Mifflin blues * got the Pam Halpert blues * got Pratt went to Pratt institute * - You have children? - Two children, yes.
- And you do art and painting? - Mm-hmm.
- Kind of the same thing.
* kind of the same thing * sometimes I repeat myself * but that's just being Pam * Well, I'm kinda cute * and I'm But I'm married, so * * Leave that be Hey.
You got a sec to talk? Kind of painful to chat with you, Pete, ever since the ol' one-two punch to my scrotum pole, translationpenis, translationmy manhood.
Yeah, look, uh I understand break-ups are tough.
You know, it happens to all of us at some point in life.
But you gotta move on.
Great advice.
Thank you.
You can leave now.
Listen to him, Andy.
He's trying to tell you something that you really need to hear.
Awesome perspective.
Thanks for butting in.
Well, I've been where you are now.
I dated this girl Alice, and it was an ugly break-up.
She worked at a marketing agency right next to my house.
I'd run into her every day, but I had to grow up and deal with it, and I did.
We're even Facebook friends now.
See? We can all be friends.
- Yeah.
- Just get over it.
It doesn't have to be awkward.
I do think we can have a fair Yeah, so life gives you lemons, you just gotta eat 'em, rinds and all.
And, if you don't want to eat 'em, your ex-girlfriend will shove them down your throat with the help of her hunky new boyfriend.
So that's fun.
Nothing to see here.
Boss at work.
This will be your desk, right up front.
Best seat on the roller coaster.
You must be this tall to ride this ride.
No pregnant women allowed.
Are you? I'm not allowed to ask, so - I am not - You're not pregnant.
I didn't ask her if she was pregnant.
She just offered it.
The last three girls here all got pregnant.
- Wow.
- Don'tdon't be afraid.
It's a different chair.
I don't want a guy up here.
I want to, you know, see a woman come in and do a great job.
SomethingI have to look out this window - I'm sorry, I thought this job was for the position of office manager.
It is.
Yeah.
You'd manage this office.
You'd answer the phone and forward the calls, and, you know, go for a coffee run now and again.
So kind of like a receptionist.
Yeah.
Like a receptionist, but we call you the office manager, because it's less demeaning.
By the way, how long are these cameras gonna be following you around? Because I think this is pretty cool.
Pretty, pretty cool.
Larry David, curb your enthusiasm.
- Do you like that show? - Yes.
Well, I think they indulge themselves a little too much.
I like scripted.
I spent ten years as a receptionist to Michael Scott.
And I have kids now.
And I just I can't.
- Ow.
The braid is too tight.
Oh, hush.
Loose braids reflect a loose character.
Now stay still.
Yes, ma'am.
I think your hair is much too long for your age, by the way.
Okay.
There.
Thank you, Angela.
I'm going to the prison this afternoon to go and talk to the strangler.
Probably best to use his real name rather than strangler.
Don't use his real name.
George Howard Skub? That's a devil name.
Anyway, I just wanted to say I'm doing it.
I'm going.
He's doing it.
The fact that you've been able to cover - Hey.
- Hey, how'd the interview go? - Oh, my gosh.
Wait until I tell you.
This guy was unbelievable.
- Okay, so - I can't wait to hear about it later.
Do you want to come in at 8:00? And don't eat, because I'm ordering in.
- 8:00? Really? I'll make it worth your while, I promise.
- Sure.
I mean, it's Philly.
I can kill four hours.
So, yeah, I'll see you at 8:00.
- All right.
Love you.
- Love you.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I'm here from BCI Marketing Consultants to meet with Andrew Bernard.
Oh, yes, the consultant.
Andy said you can start right away.
So I will take you to your desk.
- Oh, okay, great.
Thanks.
- Mm.
Fresh meat.
Fresh meat! Just keep walking.
Don't give her anything.
She'll take it and run.
- I'm Erin by the way.
- Nice to meet you.
- Cute sweater.
- Oh, thanks.
Your shoes match.
I'm bad at small talk.
I'm Kevin.
Pete? Alice.
Oh, man.
It's been a while, huh? - Oh, do you two know each other? - Yeah.
We have a history.
- Oh.
- History.
Wow.
Okay.
We dated for two years.
That's so random.
Well, is it? Andy also hired a management consultant today.
Oh, no.
Hey, Erin, look who's back.
The birdman.
Hello, beautiful.
Didn't you two used to do it? We absolutely did.
Thank you for remembering that.
Hi.
I'm Toby Flenderson.
I'm here to see George Howard Skub.
This is the prison.
I am not going in there with expectations, per se.
I will meet George Howard Skub.
I will tell him that I believe he is innocent.
I would understand if he felt motivated to hug me.
I would understand if a friendship began.
How did bogart put it? I think this is the start of my first friendship.
So Pete was a librarian? He worked as a librarian freshman year.
Was he, like, the sexy librarian? - Okay.
- Is there somebody who's in charge of marketing? Maybe I should sit near him or her.
Hi.
Hi.
How's it going? Hi.
Good.
I'd love to discuss strategy with you if you have a marketing - Wow, this sure is intense.
Having to share a workspace with someone you used to get it on with.
Andy, that is really inappropriate.
- Awkward! - It is awkward.
This is a really uncomfortable situation that you've contrived.
Really uncomfortable situation.
Yeah.
That's all right, Pete.
You can handle it.
I mean, we all just gotta move on.
Ain't that right, professor lecture-much? Uh, question.
How's that medicine taste? Your own-flavored? Is it just me, or have these tables turned? Hmm.
Hmm.
So there's no marketing department? No.
You know, times were tough.
I was unemployed.
I was still heartbroken over you.
I've lost a good 50 pounds.
But as you can see I put all that weight right back on.
Feel how fat my buttocks are.
Yeah.
It's crazy.
Touch it.
It's like a warm pumpkin.
So Andy just called you up out of the blue? Yeah.
He told me you two broke up.
You must be pretty horny.
Well, the good news is, no more guilty conscience.
At least you know he is the strangler.
The proof is in the grip.
Did they say when the vocal cords would heal? One week? Okay.
Two weeks? Okay.
You offered your neck in search of the truth.
The proud neck of justice isn't that the expression? Well, anyway, it wasit was very brave.
It really was quite brave.
I feel like a show pony.
And you look like one too.
Thank you, Angela.
You're welcome.
Would you like some stew? By all means.
And I will carve the roast skunk.
- Angela.
- Mm-hmm? Would you like the stink sack? - Is it any good? - No.
You don't eat it.
It's a toy, like a wishbone.
You know, prettiest girl gets the stink sack.
Thank you.
So when's the wedding? Um actually, we are just friends.
That's what Mose said about his lady scarecrow, and look what he did to that poor thing.
Hello? Hey.
Back here.
Wow.
Seriously? Oh, my gosh.
- Is that champagne? - Si, señor.
Oh, Jim, I should have told you I didn't get the job.
- Oh, man.
I'm so sorry.
- Are you all right? - Oh, yeah.
I'm more than all right.
There's just nothing to celebrate? Are you kidding? You're in Philly.
We're having dinner together.
And this is just consolation champagne.
It's from the part of France that immediately gave up to the Nazis.
Here.
You're very quick on your feet.
I remember you.
Funny.
All right, so tell me all about it.
Okay.
Well, gosh, thank you for your help today.
Your perspective was very useful.
Thank you.
It was not an unpleasant way to spend an afternoon.
- Dwight, Dwight.
- Right.
Not outside.
The horseflies.
You know what, my farm is only a few acres east of here.
Or we could use the slaughterhouse.
No, Dwight, the senator.
Leave him.
He probably won't even notice that you're gone.
Be with me, monkey.
I can't be your monkey, Dwight.
I'm not talking about some frisky romp in the warehouse.
We have wasted too much of our lives ignoring the fact that we belong together.
The 80 or 90 years that I have left of this life I want to spend with you.
I made a vow.
I gave my word.
Stand by your man.
It's what I would want if you were mine.
Good night, D.
How are you doing? - Is it really rough? - It is so unpleasant.
- You? - Hey, love turds.
Conference room now.
Thank you all for coming in.
Just wanted to check in.
How was everyone's day? Honestly, it was a little weird.
Really? Hmm.
That's interesting, because Erin and Pete thought it wouldn't be weird at all.
Why do you think it was weird, Gabe? Maybe because you and Erin used to be an item? I still wear Erin's button-downs around the condo sometimes, so it feels to me like we're still in a relationship - Gabe.
- a lot of the time.
Ugh.
And, Alice, I understand you once dumped Pete.
Ouch.
It was an amicable break-up, Andy.
Okay, while we're rewriting history, you never had a drinking problem.
It was college.
That is what you do.
Dude, you're also supposed to go to classes, so there's that.
Hey, Andy, is this at all work-related? We'll get to that.
Gabe, did Erin ever tell you that she loves you? - No, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
She wouldn't even let me say it.
It was adorable.
She'd plug her ears and scream her heart out.
Gabe, can you stop talking? Because every word out of your mouth is like the squawk of an ugly pelican.
I got a tattoo for you.
I didn't ask you to get that nike swoosh.
Nobody did.
You did that for you.
Just do it.
You were the it that I was just doing.
So you're dating a secretary now? Moving up in the world, Pete.
She's nice to me.
How's that P.
E.
Degree coming? That's what he wanted to be.
His dream in college was to be a gym teacher.
Well, guess what, he could still be a gym teacher.
In fact, we could all still be gym teachers.
- So let's - I technically cannot.
I don't have the lung capacity to blow a whistle.
Oh, my God.
What kind of music are you into, Peter? Uh, I like all kinds of music, Gabe.
Really? All kinds? So you like songs of hate written by the white knights of ku klux klan? - Erin, are you even hearing this? - No! Gabe, he didn't even say that.
He's not a very sophisticated man.
I mean, he can't use chopsticks, so do I need to say anything else? Erin, I've been to Japan.
I know how to use chopsticks so well.
Come back.
One night.
Give me one night with you.
- What is that supposed to be? - I have shaved everything.
I don't want you to shave I wasted two years of my life on you.
- You realize that, right? - I just want to be real clear that chopsticks is not the measure of a man.
I am as smooth as a porpoise for you.
Why didn't you say at the beginning, "this isn't really going that well"? Shovel his sashimi into his mouth as a sport.
All right, all right, yes, that is a legitimate question.
Does making Erin and Pete feel bad make me feel better? Yeah.
Yeah.
It does.
So imagine, like, the real estate version of Michael Scott, and that was this guy.
He did half the interview as Ace Ventura.
- Tell me about the cologne.
How much? Oh.
An entire bottle at least.
You're definitely hoarding this, by the way.
Guessguess what poster he had on his wall? - Austin powers.
- Mm-mm.
- Ferris Bueller.
- Mm-mm.
You're getting colder.
Not Night at the Roxbury.
No.
The odd life of Timothy green.
I'm sorry.
How did you think I was expected to guess that? I don't know.
But it's interesting, right? - It's fascinating.
- He said he can't help but tear up when he looks at it, and it's right next to his desk.
He must look at it, like, 20 times a day.
That's amazing.
Well, listen, you can't win 'em all, right? - Mm-hmm.
- So the next interview has to be better.
I don't know.
What do you mean? Of course it will.
You're amazing.
- I know.
It's just, even if it was a great boss and a great job, I justI don't I don't know if I if I want to I don't know if I want this.
Huh.
This is a little out of left field.
Is it? I just I liked our life in Scranton.
And I have started a business in Philadelphia.
Little did my grandfather know, mahjong would be here to stay.
Hobbies of the east continues in a moment.
You could all be doing this.
Just saying.
I watch way too many ads online, and I don't do enough sit-ups.
So I bought these.
Now every time an ad pops up online, I get 30 seconds of ab-blasting.
I call it ads for abs.
Ironically, I learned about the boots from an ad online.
Why can't you just do regular sit-ups? I'll tell you why.
Because The floor is disgusting.
Yeah.
My trainer said, "everybody fails working out.
" That's how you win.
Okay.
All right.
Okay.
Kevin, a little help, buddy.
Oh, why don't your famous stomachs help you now? Can someone please help me? Oh, these teas are hot.
Can someone help me, please? Oh, thanks.
Yeah.
- Okay.
- Just Just People, I'm not going anywhere.
Soon my core will get strong again, and, when that happens, I'll be able Head rush! Ah! Can someone please help me? I hey.
I'm not going anywhere.
I'll be right here.
Oh, that's not good.
Hey, guys, I've got 20 bucks for anyone who will help me.
Kevin, would you like a pizza?
You lied to me, Andy! You pretended to be in this office for three months, and you were sailing on your boat! - I resent that.
I never lied to you.
Really? "Hey, David, all is good in Scranton, P.
A.
" And all was good in Scranton, P.
A.
, that day.
"By the way, Oscar says hi.
" Oscar says hi all the time.
He says all kinds of greetings hi, hello, hola.
You're telling me you've never heard Oscar say hi? - Andy - You're calling me a liar? - Andy - By the way, that reminds me.
I want to ask you about some of the lies you've been telling me lately.
- Watch it, Andy.
Oh, here we go.
January 7, 2013.
"Hey, Andy, all's well.
Been meaning to make it down there, but my wife's sick.
" Well, which is it? Is all well, or is your wife sick? - Busted! - My wife? This has been a really tough time.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- Has it? - Erin just dumped me, and I can't remember any of the "aha" moments I had on the boat, and I know it sounds weird to say, but I really miss my beard.
- Shh.
- It was like a security blanket.
- Andy I'm not gonna fire you.
You're not? - No.
- That's awesome.
I wouldn't own the company if it wasn't for you.
So I owe you that.
David, I'll be there for you.
These five words I swear to you.
When you breathe, I want to be the air for you.
I'll be there for you.
That's a poem by J.
B.
Jovi.
I want you to have it.
We are even now.
Understand? - Got it? - Crystal.
And you are on very hey.
Very thin ice.
Vanilla.
Vanilla Ice.
He was a band.
The Office S09E16 Moving On - Good morning.
- Good morning.
And how are you on this fine d Okay.
Ahem.
We ready? Don't use that part.
Last week, Erin told me that our relationship will be proceeding without me.
Ahem.
Now I have to see her every day at work, which is brutal.
When people say office relationships are a good idea, they never talk about what might happen if you break up.
He sounds like a wounded animal.
Should have put him out of his misery and just fired him.
I can't be around sad people.
It makes me sad.
I'm the same way with horny people.
Okay.
Yes, Pete and I have started seeing each other, and Andy still doesn't know.
We thought that keeping it secret was more considerate to him.
And hot for us.
I mean, I saw Pete's butt.
It's sick.
Oh, that's mine.
I'll just I'll get it out of the way for you.
Jim set up a job interview for me today in Philly.
It's with a real estate company, which is a great fit for me, because I live in a house and I know what a bathroom is.
I'm sorry.
I am just very nervous, because, honestly, this is all moving a lot faster than I expected, and and because my resume can fit on a post-it note.
No, don't just let her eat the grass.
She'll puke it right up.
Okay, just put out two bowls and see which feed she prefers.
I'm sorry to be taking up so much of your precious time, Mose, but she's your aunt too.
Fine.
I'll see what I can do.
- I need you.
- Dah! Dwight.
And you should take breaks more often.
I've been waiting there for 45 minutes.
- What? What is it? It's my aunt Shirley.
She's on her last legs.
- Dwight, that's awful.
- You have no idea.
I mean, her hair, her clothes, it's all falling off in great, big clumps.
And we need someone to go out there and clean her up.
We had a nurse, but she quit, because she was "poisoned" by aunt Shirley.
What do you mean by poisoned? Probably nothing.
Or strychnine.
Or lemonade and strychnine, which is actually what it was.
Okay, well, I'm very sorry about your aunt.
- Thank you.
- But I don't see how this is my problem.
Angela, you owe me one.
Remember? Now, please.
She's an old woman, Angela.
She needs a woman's touch.
- It's all hanging out - Ugh.
And there's parts of her I don't even recognize.
There's this one hanging part in particular that's some sort of flap.
- It's fine.
It's like a prehensile wing or something.
- I don't know.
- Oh, God.
All right.
I can't okay.
- I'll help you.
- There's a divot where it was, and it needs it needs Where are you going? Uh.
Not on a three-month boat trip.
- Oh, burn.
Ha.
Excuse me, everyone can just leave whenever they want now? How dare you? I'm still the boss.
- The answer is yes.
- I have some messages for you.
Are they from you? Well, no, they're from clients.
Well, then I don't want them.
You can keep 'em.
In fact you can keep that big, blue nautica sweater.
- I know how much you love it.
- I can't.
No, I insist upon it.
It's an awesome sweater.
Some great memories tied up in that thing.
These are messages from clients who want to buy paper.
I don't want to talk about work right now.
Well, I only want to talk about work right now.
Then I want my big blue sweater back.
Well, I gave it to the salvation army.
- I've got this seat adjusted just right.
- Perfect.
Yeah.
She got rid of it.
My blue sweater.
What is that about? - I was just leaving.
- Stay.
We are in the brozone layer.
Okay, Nard Dog, Plop, and Clarker Posey, A.
K.
A.
Clarkwork Orange.
Here's the sitch.
Erin dumped me, natch, but she got rid of my blue sweater, which was her favorite.
Is she moving on a little fast, or am I being a total psycho? Plop, you go first.
I don't know.
Women do tend to move on quicker than men.
Survey says Doesn't make me feel better at all.
Zero Clark thirty, what do you got? Well, look at it this way.
Being a bachelor is not all bad.
I mean, you got your freedom now.
Last night I ordered a pizza by myself, and I ate it over the sink like a rat.
There you go.
Good for you.
No.
You're just letting it all hang out.
That's what It may not seem like it, but this really helped, so thank you.
- Cool.
I'll give you $100 to wear that sweater to work tomorrow.
Aunt Shirley, hello, it's me, Dwight.
Oh, looky here.
It's big city Dwight.
Careful you don't get mud on those fancy town shoes, big city Dwight.
- Hello, aunt Shirley.
- Who's this little kitchen witch? She's so tiny, like a little kitchen witch.
This is Angela, and we brought you some new clothes.
New clothes? What for? - Oh, dear God.
Okay.
- Oh.
Oh, my God.
You know what, before you put the new clothes on, Angela's gonna get you cleaned up a little bit.
Yes.
How would you like a nice, warm bath? How would you like a mean, cold slap? Ow! Okay, aunt Shirley, dear, can I get you a nice crisp liter of schnapps? - I could do that.
- Okay.
- No.
No.
- Yeah, trust me.
- No.
- It keeps her docile.
Go to the kitchen, get the largest receptacle you can find.
Step on it.
Why doesn't Erin seem sad? Has she found someone new or something? And, if so, why hasn't she told me? Is she trying to spare my feelings? During break-ups, the mind goes to some crazy dark places.
Andy, don't.
No good can come from snooping.
I'm not snooping.
There's just some crud on her screen.
You're clearly snooping.
- That's kind of uncool, man.
- Andy.
- Aw, come on.
- That's her private property.
- Boo! - Uh, hello? Who's snooping on who now? What does that even mean? - Everyone, just please - What's it say? - Put it down.
- Andy.
- Hey! - Come on, Andy.
- Put it down.
- That's Erin's private property.
Oh, my God.
- See.
- Nosy'll get you.
Told him so.
It just doesn't make any sense.
Darryl, Clark, Kevin, Toby, plop, take a knee.
All right, you guys are gonna think I'm psycho again.
Couldn't shake this feeling that Erin's dating someone, so I looked at her phone.
Man, you can't do that stuff.
You'll only find pain.
When my ex-wife got into my email account, she was devastated.
Too late.
I found out she's been texting a guy named Pete.
Does anybody know a Pete? - Pete.
- Hmm.
Pete what? It just occurred to me that Andy has been calling me plop for so long he forgot my real name.
Which is Pete.
Hello.
- Hey.
There she is.
- How you doing? - Hi.
Hey, do I look okay? - You look great.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- What's that? - Is that a - Okay, I know where you're going with this, and this is who I am now.
I'm a douche.
But look what I can do with my hands.
Gotta go.
Vip just walked through the door.
How are you, Isaac? You have something in your ear.
It's a phone.
Yes, it is, and thank you so much for setting up this opportunity.
I really appreciate it.
- Of course.
Anything for team Halpert.
You're gonna crush it, Pam.
Thanks.
- You are gonna crush it.
- Mmh.
Wow, I missed you.
Wait, are you saying that into the phone or are you saying that to me? - Call you right back.
What were you saying? Haha.
- Aw.
- Hey, Jim.
We got Trent Edwards on the line.
- I've gotta go.
- Okay.
But, you know what, team Halpert, okay? You're gonna crush it.
You're gonna smash it.
Okay.
- Good luck.
- Bye.
God, she drank so much.
And so quickly.
Mm.
In her prime, Shirls could put away homemade schnapps morning, noon, and night.
Now all it takes is 1/2 liter.
She's dreaming.
All right.
Let's get her out to the yard so you can spray her down.
Spray her down? No, it's a lot better than it sounds.
There's a private shower area, very tasteful and very rustic.
Hey.
Come on in.
Have a seat.
Uh, thanks for coming in.
I just got to get something off my chest.
I just got some really weird news, and, uh, I'm just gonna come out and say it.
I just got off the phone with my doctor, and turns out I contracted ch-lamydia from Erin.
And it's incurable.
Pretty lame, huh? Yeah.
- You were gone - I knew it! - For a long time, Andy.
- You and Erin are f Andy, just so you know, there was no overlap.
- No overlap? Great.
Good.
Wow.
This is suddenly so easy.
Guess what? You're fired.
- What? - Yeah.
You are fired.
One of the perks of being boss.
I can fire anyone who steals my girlfriend.
And, wow, that turns out to be you.
Yup, sorry.
* So you had a bad day - Andy.
- * The camera don't lie - Andy.
* You're a big idiot, get out of my office * - Andy.
- * Turns out you're fired * because you suck * And you're fired if you want to talk to me, I'll be in the annex, all right? I'm gonna be in the annex.
Toby.
Toby.
You can't fire Pete.
You understand why, right? No.
Andy, we had this exact same conversation when you wanted to get rid of Nellie.
You can't just get rid of people over grudges.
Nellie was a professional grudge.
This is a purely personal grudge.
All right, well, look, while I have you, this is a relationship disclosure form for Pete and Erin.
They already have a contract? "Mutually agree to" Every phrase is like a dagger in my crotch.
- It's just boilerplate.
You don't have to read it.
Well, I'm not signing away my rights.
I already signed it.
I was just showing you.
Okay, well, we'll see about that.
Andy, that's not the original.
And destroying it will not stop them from dating.
Andy.
It's the original.
* If they're talking Chester Avenue * * Talking triplex * talking converting is that her? Hey, guys.
- Say something.
I said - Hello.
- Hi, I'm Mark.
- Hi.
Pam.
Hello.
I'm the horrible boss around here, but please don't hire Jamie Foxx to kill me.
* Django I don't agree with the use of the n-word in that movie.
It's too soon.
- I'm Pam Halpert.
- Oh.
Hi.
They call me Marky Mark around here, because here at Simon realty we are one funky bunch.
Come on, you guys.
Raise the roof when I say that.
What are you, all temps again today? Let's go, Gangnam-style.
He's heard Gangnam Style.
He knows it.
Right? That's 'cause he's American.
- This is Carl.
- Hi.
- He's, uh, from here.
He's from our neck of the woods.
But Gangnam Style is great, isn't it? Oh, my God.
He's Michael Scott.
- Time to get clean.
- It's hosing time, aunt Shirley.
Have a seat.
You're gonna have a hard time hearing her over the roar of the hose.
- We have to do chains? - Oh, you'll see.
- Here we go.
- Get this show on the road.
- Let's do it.
Ready? Here's a box cutter to get her clothes off.
- Dwight! - Let's get to it.
- Give it a whirl.
- No.
No.
Dwight, I'm not gonna hose your aunt down like some animal.
Stop your bellyaching and hose me.
I need you to hose my aunt.
- No, Dwight.
- Okay, you are useless.
- No, no.
- Give me the hose.
Dwight, I won't do it.
I'm gonna give your aunt a proper bath and a haircut like a lady.
And you two are gonna shut up about it.
Do you have a bathtub? - Yes, ma'am.
- Good.
This is not so much an office as it is a rec room with a bunch of computers in it.
And, frankly, if I had my way, I'd toss the computers in the garbage, but unfortunately we use them for practically everything we do, so That ain't gonna happen.
He's a temp.
Don't worry about him.
Alice! All right.
Stay awake, okay? Hey, Nellie.
Mm.
I am so sick of February.
It's the shortest month, but it sure doesn't feel that way.
We should catch up.
Um You know, I've been going over my notes from the trial Oh, no, Toby, no.
I feel like I might have glossed over a few minor points.
No, Toby, you cannot keep blathering on about this Scranton strangler.
Do something about it.
Get it out of your system, whatever it takes.
- I've been drafting a letter.
- For two years! Then what? Another year picking out a stamp? Another six months before you decide to lick it? Just I don't want to hear it.
My aunt Joan.
Oh, well, she she worked here before I did, so there's no nepotism involved.
In fact, to be honest with you, I'm probably a little harder on her than I am on the rest of these people.
Can you not work on this? Work on this month's.
Okay, Nana? When I say, "chillax," people chillax.
Watch this.
Hey, Roger, chillax.
He must not have heard me.
- No.
I heard you.
Step this way for the Spanish inquisition.
Kids in the hall.
Just it's not high pressure.
It's just a little cawfee talk.
Okay? Like buttah.
Come on in here.
- Mike Myers.
- Oh, my God.
Thank you.
Thanks.
Thanks a lot.
Really appreciate it.
You guys were supposed to have my back, okay? Instead, you let a guy named plop steal my girlfriend.
Hey, boss, I did everything I could.
I invited Pete out for drinks.
- I emailed him shots of my junk.
- Ugh.
Kid doesn't have a romantic bone in his body.
- Come on, Andy.
They're a good match.
That doesn't matter, okay? What matters is that I am hurt.
Deep hurt inside of me.
I don't care if they're Romeo and freaking Juliet.
I feel like the guy Juliet dated before Romeo.
Probably her boss.
And guess what? Juliet's boss also had feelings.
- Hey, Andy.
- What? You got a booger bubble going on there.
Sorry.
That's okay.
My whole life is a booger bubble.
This is a tiny resume.
Papa smurf.
Come back to the mushroom.
- It's from the smurfs movie.
- Yeah.
I've seen that with my kids.
It is tiny.
But I've actually been commissioned by the city of Scranton to paint a mural What does this say here? What language is this? Swahili? Oh, wait a second.
- Now I can read it.
- Oh, 'cause it was upside-down.
You're a good audience.
Unlike some of these people around here.
Yeah.
The city commissioned me to do Yeah, we don't have a lot of call for doodling around here.
But I like this resume, and here's why.
It shows that you stick around.
Yeah, you don't jump ship easily like a lot of these people.
I mean, they they worship me, you know, but do they like me? I mean, do you think they like me, Pam? Yes.
What if Bob Dylan was your boss? I'm gonna do Dylan.
* Pam Halpert is my name * I've been at Dunder Mifflin for * Seven years? Eight years.
* Eight years, man * got the Dunder Mifflin blues * got the Pam Halpert blues * got Pratt went to Pratt institute * - You have children? - Two children, yes.
- And you do art and painting? - Mm-hmm.
- Kind of the same thing.
* kind of the same thing * sometimes I repeat myself * but that's just being Pam * Well, I'm kinda cute * and I'm But I'm married, so * * Leave that be Hey.
You got a sec to talk? Kind of painful to chat with you, Pete, ever since the ol' one-two punch to my scrotum pole, translationpenis, translationmy manhood.
Yeah, look, uh I understand break-ups are tough.
You know, it happens to all of us at some point in life.
But you gotta move on.
Great advice.
Thank you.
You can leave now.
Listen to him, Andy.
He's trying to tell you something that you really need to hear.
Awesome perspective.
Thanks for butting in.
Well, I've been where you are now.
I dated this girl Alice, and it was an ugly break-up.
She worked at a marketing agency right next to my house.
I'd run into her every day, but I had to grow up and deal with it, and I did.
We're even Facebook friends now.
See? We can all be friends.
- Yeah.
- Just get over it.
It doesn't have to be awkward.
I do think we can have a fair Yeah, so life gives you lemons, you just gotta eat 'em, rinds and all.
And, if you don't want to eat 'em, your ex-girlfriend will shove them down your throat with the help of her hunky new boyfriend.
So that's fun.
Nothing to see here.
Boss at work.
This will be your desk, right up front.
Best seat on the roller coaster.
You must be this tall to ride this ride.
No pregnant women allowed.
Are you? I'm not allowed to ask, so - I am not - You're not pregnant.
I didn't ask her if she was pregnant.
She just offered it.
The last three girls here all got pregnant.
- Wow.
- Don'tdon't be afraid.
It's a different chair.
I don't want a guy up here.
I want to, you know, see a woman come in and do a great job.
SomethingI have to look out this window - I'm sorry, I thought this job was for the position of office manager.
It is.
Yeah.
You'd manage this office.
You'd answer the phone and forward the calls, and, you know, go for a coffee run now and again.
So kind of like a receptionist.
Yeah.
Like a receptionist, but we call you the office manager, because it's less demeaning.
By the way, how long are these cameras gonna be following you around? Because I think this is pretty cool.
Pretty, pretty cool.
Larry David, curb your enthusiasm.
- Do you like that show? - Yes.
Well, I think they indulge themselves a little too much.
I like scripted.
I spent ten years as a receptionist to Michael Scott.
And I have kids now.
And I just I can't.
- Ow.
The braid is too tight.
Oh, hush.
Loose braids reflect a loose character.
Now stay still.
Yes, ma'am.
I think your hair is much too long for your age, by the way.
Okay.
There.
Thank you, Angela.
I'm going to the prison this afternoon to go and talk to the strangler.
Probably best to use his real name rather than strangler.
Don't use his real name.
George Howard Skub? That's a devil name.
Anyway, I just wanted to say I'm doing it.
I'm going.
He's doing it.
The fact that you've been able to cover - Hey.
- Hey, how'd the interview go? - Oh, my gosh.
Wait until I tell you.
This guy was unbelievable.
- Okay, so - I can't wait to hear about it later.
Do you want to come in at 8:00? And don't eat, because I'm ordering in.
- 8:00? Really? I'll make it worth your while, I promise.
- Sure.
I mean, it's Philly.
I can kill four hours.
So, yeah, I'll see you at 8:00.
- All right.
Love you.
- Love you.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I'm here from BCI Marketing Consultants to meet with Andrew Bernard.
Oh, yes, the consultant.
Andy said you can start right away.
So I will take you to your desk.
- Oh, okay, great.
Thanks.
- Mm.
Fresh meat.
Fresh meat! Just keep walking.
Don't give her anything.
She'll take it and run.
- I'm Erin by the way.
- Nice to meet you.
- Cute sweater.
- Oh, thanks.
Your shoes match.
I'm bad at small talk.
I'm Kevin.
Pete? Alice.
Oh, man.
It's been a while, huh? - Oh, do you two know each other? - Yeah.
We have a history.
- Oh.
- History.
Wow.
Okay.
We dated for two years.
That's so random.
Well, is it? Andy also hired a management consultant today.
Oh, no.
Hey, Erin, look who's back.
The birdman.
Hello, beautiful.
Didn't you two used to do it? We absolutely did.
Thank you for remembering that.
Hi.
I'm Toby Flenderson.
I'm here to see George Howard Skub.
This is the prison.
I am not going in there with expectations, per se.
I will meet George Howard Skub.
I will tell him that I believe he is innocent.
I would understand if he felt motivated to hug me.
I would understand if a friendship began.
How did bogart put it? I think this is the start of my first friendship.
So Pete was a librarian? He worked as a librarian freshman year.
Was he, like, the sexy librarian? - Okay.
- Is there somebody who's in charge of marketing? Maybe I should sit near him or her.
Hi.
Hi.
How's it going? Hi.
Good.
I'd love to discuss strategy with you if you have a marketing - Wow, this sure is intense.
Having to share a workspace with someone you used to get it on with.
Andy, that is really inappropriate.
- Awkward! - It is awkward.
This is a really uncomfortable situation that you've contrived.
Really uncomfortable situation.
Yeah.
That's all right, Pete.
You can handle it.
I mean, we all just gotta move on.
Ain't that right, professor lecture-much? Uh, question.
How's that medicine taste? Your own-flavored? Is it just me, or have these tables turned? Hmm.
Hmm.
So there's no marketing department? No.
You know, times were tough.
I was unemployed.
I was still heartbroken over you.
I've lost a good 50 pounds.
But as you can see I put all that weight right back on.
Feel how fat my buttocks are.
Yeah.
It's crazy.
Touch it.
It's like a warm pumpkin.
So Andy just called you up out of the blue? Yeah.
He told me you two broke up.
You must be pretty horny.
Well, the good news is, no more guilty conscience.
At least you know he is the strangler.
The proof is in the grip.
Did they say when the vocal cords would heal? One week? Okay.
Two weeks? Okay.
You offered your neck in search of the truth.
The proud neck of justice isn't that the expression? Well, anyway, it wasit was very brave.
It really was quite brave.
I feel like a show pony.
And you look like one too.
Thank you, Angela.
You're welcome.
Would you like some stew? By all means.
And I will carve the roast skunk.
- Angela.
- Mm-hmm? Would you like the stink sack? - Is it any good? - No.
You don't eat it.
It's a toy, like a wishbone.
You know, prettiest girl gets the stink sack.
Thank you.
So when's the wedding? Um actually, we are just friends.
That's what Mose said about his lady scarecrow, and look what he did to that poor thing.
Hello? Hey.
Back here.
Wow.
Seriously? Oh, my gosh.
- Is that champagne? - Si, señor.
Oh, Jim, I should have told you I didn't get the job.
- Oh, man.
I'm so sorry.
- Are you all right? - Oh, yeah.
I'm more than all right.
There's just nothing to celebrate? Are you kidding? You're in Philly.
We're having dinner together.
And this is just consolation champagne.
It's from the part of France that immediately gave up to the Nazis.
Here.
You're very quick on your feet.
I remember you.
Funny.
All right, so tell me all about it.
Okay.
Well, gosh, thank you for your help today.
Your perspective was very useful.
Thank you.
It was not an unpleasant way to spend an afternoon.
- Dwight, Dwight.
- Right.
Not outside.
The horseflies.
You know what, my farm is only a few acres east of here.
Or we could use the slaughterhouse.
No, Dwight, the senator.
Leave him.
He probably won't even notice that you're gone.
Be with me, monkey.
I can't be your monkey, Dwight.
I'm not talking about some frisky romp in the warehouse.
We have wasted too much of our lives ignoring the fact that we belong together.
The 80 or 90 years that I have left of this life I want to spend with you.
I made a vow.
I gave my word.
Stand by your man.
It's what I would want if you were mine.
Good night, D.
How are you doing? - Is it really rough? - It is so unpleasant.
- You? - Hey, love turds.
Conference room now.
Thank you all for coming in.
Just wanted to check in.
How was everyone's day? Honestly, it was a little weird.
Really? Hmm.
That's interesting, because Erin and Pete thought it wouldn't be weird at all.
Why do you think it was weird, Gabe? Maybe because you and Erin used to be an item? I still wear Erin's button-downs around the condo sometimes, so it feels to me like we're still in a relationship - Gabe.
- a lot of the time.
Ugh.
And, Alice, I understand you once dumped Pete.
Ouch.
It was an amicable break-up, Andy.
Okay, while we're rewriting history, you never had a drinking problem.
It was college.
That is what you do.
Dude, you're also supposed to go to classes, so there's that.
Hey, Andy, is this at all work-related? We'll get to that.
Gabe, did Erin ever tell you that she loves you? - No, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
She wouldn't even let me say it.
It was adorable.
She'd plug her ears and scream her heart out.
Gabe, can you stop talking? Because every word out of your mouth is like the squawk of an ugly pelican.
I got a tattoo for you.
I didn't ask you to get that nike swoosh.
Nobody did.
You did that for you.
Just do it.
You were the it that I was just doing.
So you're dating a secretary now? Moving up in the world, Pete.
She's nice to me.
How's that P.
E.
Degree coming? That's what he wanted to be.
His dream in college was to be a gym teacher.
Well, guess what, he could still be a gym teacher.
In fact, we could all still be gym teachers.
- So let's - I technically cannot.
I don't have the lung capacity to blow a whistle.
Oh, my God.
What kind of music are you into, Peter? Uh, I like all kinds of music, Gabe.
Really? All kinds? So you like songs of hate written by the white knights of ku klux klan? - Erin, are you even hearing this? - No! Gabe, he didn't even say that.
He's not a very sophisticated man.
I mean, he can't use chopsticks, so do I need to say anything else? Erin, I've been to Japan.
I know how to use chopsticks so well.
Come back.
One night.
Give me one night with you.
- What is that supposed to be? - I have shaved everything.
I don't want you to shave I wasted two years of my life on you.
- You realize that, right? - I just want to be real clear that chopsticks is not the measure of a man.
I am as smooth as a porpoise for you.
Why didn't you say at the beginning, "this isn't really going that well"? Shovel his sashimi into his mouth as a sport.
All right, all right, yes, that is a legitimate question.
Does making Erin and Pete feel bad make me feel better? Yeah.
Yeah.
It does.
So imagine, like, the real estate version of Michael Scott, and that was this guy.
He did half the interview as Ace Ventura.
- Tell me about the cologne.
How much? Oh.
An entire bottle at least.
You're definitely hoarding this, by the way.
Guessguess what poster he had on his wall? - Austin powers.
- Mm-mm.
- Ferris Bueller.
- Mm-mm.
You're getting colder.
Not Night at the Roxbury.
No.
The odd life of Timothy green.
I'm sorry.
How did you think I was expected to guess that? I don't know.
But it's interesting, right? - It's fascinating.
- He said he can't help but tear up when he looks at it, and it's right next to his desk.
He must look at it, like, 20 times a day.
That's amazing.
Well, listen, you can't win 'em all, right? - Mm-hmm.
- So the next interview has to be better.
I don't know.
What do you mean? Of course it will.
You're amazing.
- I know.
It's just, even if it was a great boss and a great job, I justI don't I don't know if I if I want to I don't know if I want this.
Huh.
This is a little out of left field.
Is it? I just I liked our life in Scranton.
And I have started a business in Philadelphia.
Little did my grandfather know, mahjong would be here to stay.
Hobbies of the east continues in a moment.
You could all be doing this.
Just saying.
I watch way too many ads online, and I don't do enough sit-ups.
So I bought these.
Now every time an ad pops up online, I get 30 seconds of ab-blasting.
I call it ads for abs.
Ironically, I learned about the boots from an ad online.
Why can't you just do regular sit-ups? I'll tell you why.
Because The floor is disgusting.
Yeah.
My trainer said, "everybody fails working out.
" That's how you win.
Okay.
All right.
Okay.
Kevin, a little help, buddy.
Oh, why don't your famous stomachs help you now? Can someone please help me? Oh, these teas are hot.
Can someone help me, please? Oh, thanks.
Yeah.
- Okay.
- Just Just People, I'm not going anywhere.
Soon my core will get strong again, and, when that happens, I'll be able Head rush! Ah! Can someone please help me? I hey.
I'm not going anywhere.
I'll be right here.
Oh, that's not good.
Hey, guys, I've got 20 bucks for anyone who will help me.
Kevin, would you like a pizza?