American Dad s09e17 Episode Script

Good morning, USA! I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shining a salute to the American race Oh, boy, it's swell to say Good morning, USA Aah! Good morning, USA! Oh, Stan I love having date night on a Tuesday.
And it's Taco Tuesday, where all the tacos are two for one.
Your frugality is so sexy.
I brought a garbage bag that we can fill with chips.
You know, maybe with all the money we're saving on Mexican food, we can finally buy a new couch.
Too many animals have given birth on the old one.
Stan? Are you listening? Yeah I was, I was just looking at the-the alcohol.
H-H-Have they always served hard alcohol here? Stan, you have two Jack and Cokes in front of you.
You get them every time we come here.
Jack is alcohol?! Why, I always thought it was slang.
Like, "That soda be so cheap you Jack and Coke, son.
" You just couldn't keep your eyes off that slutty bartender, could you? Wait, what?! Are you just guessing that she's slutty, or have you heard something? Well, we're in the driveway and that's where all conversations end.
I'm gonna go deal with the B-side of Taco Tuesday.
See you at sex later? Wednesday morning, that means Stan's fresh off date night.
Come on, spill it! All right.
Highlight: Successfully passed an expired coupon.
Nice! The master! Keeping it cheap! Francine almost busted me checking out this hot girl's boobs.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Whoa.
You can't get caught looking.
Yeah, man.
Women talk.
If my girlfriend hears you're checking out other women, she'll realize I do it too.
Guys, guys, relax.
I covered it with an excuse and even agreed to go couch shopping at the mall.
The mall?! That place is crawling with hot chicks.
So, I'll just play it safe and not look at any women.
No, you can still look.
You just gotta learn to rubberneck.
"Rubberneck?" What's that? We'll tell you, but you gotta keep it a secret.
Women can never find out about rubbernecking.
New black intern: Kick it.
Rubbernecking is the art of checking out women on the sly.
And if you do it right, you'll never get caught.
Well My name's Mcgee And soon you'll see If you wanna rubberneck Just listen to me Because a peek don't hurt If you wanna scout skirt, you have to be covert Listen up, you squirt Well, my name is Jackson My technique's the purest When I wanna scout girls I pretend I'm a tourist You look around like you're super lost Hold up a map, now you're peeking like a boss.
Yeah I guess when I'm lost, I do look everywhere.
My name is Sanders and I don't lie The best way to peek Say there's something in your eye.
Wow smooth.
Well, my name is Tiny Dick And I have a little trick To look at a lady So she don't think I'm shady I pretend that I'm dead And I lie on a gurney When the nurses come up I do the Weekend at Bernie's Never forget, women like to judge Go on, give that cattiness a nudge So tell your woman that you hate a girl And you can stare while all that hate unfurls.
Hey, Francine, look at that terrible outfit.
Yeah, she looks like a hooker.
Hooker, hooker, hooker When you wanna take a look, hold up a book A newspaper will do to look at some boobs I think you're ready to join the crew Because you're rubbernecking With the best Rubbernecking with the best Because you're rubbernecking With the best Rubbernecking with the best.
New couch! Klaus, get in here! This better be important.
I'm crank calling my aunt in Düsseldorf.
She's on.
I'm going to kill you.
I'm going to kill you.
Okay, what now? A new couch! It feels like I'm floating.
Well, I took a long enough lunch; better go back to work.
Listen, Stan I'm sorry I got so paranoid last night.
There were beautiful women all over the mall today and you didn't even notice.
You're talking about that redhead, right? Either way, you should know I only have eyes for you.
You know, Klaus, I've been saving something for an occasion just like this.
This bottle of wine was a gift from Julia Child to Liz Taylor.
I stole it when I worked at the post office.
Yes, red wine, the deepest staining of all the wines.
To our new couch.
That was a terrible toast.
Could've been about any couch.
Let's try again.
To our new, pristine, white couch.
Blech! Ooh! It's turned.
That is bad wine.
That is real bad wine.
Never keep wine in the car.
I knew it and I did it anyway.
Oh, no, the couch.
The cushions are sewn in.
We can't flip them.
Stan will kill us! What are we gonna do?! We'll just have to sit here forever.
That's brilliant! Oh, isn't it crazy how worried we were a moment ago? Well, hello, hot jogger.
Rubbernecking Might as well get some photo proof for the boys while I'm here.
Not doing anything wrong.
Just looking for a signal.
Definitely not zooming in to see if you're wearing underpants.
Some from the back and don't forget the rack.
Damn it, if Francine finds out I crashed because I was rubbernecking, I'm a dead man.
My back hurts and I used to have a great back! What the hell were you looking at? Nothing.
I must've lingered on a blink.
Are you okay? Do you need help? Get out of here! You've done enough! Nice.
Oh, my God, what happened to you?! Oh, I got in a car accident, Francine, but don't worry, luckily I've had enough time to remember the exact truth of what happened.
Oh, you poor thing.
Come rest your bloody head right here underneath where I'm sitting.
You see, I was driving responsibly with my eyes on the road, when a dog jumped out.
I saved his life by swerving.
He made eye contact as he ran away.
No words exchanged, he wasn't a talking dog, but in that moment, I knew he thought me a hero.
Well, come on.
With a head trauma like this, you should get right into bed.
It's like they say, "Starve a fever, sleep a concussion.
" How'd you sleep? Lousy.
Do I have tank head? Did you guys spend the night on the couch? Yes.
We are, um trying to set the world record for longest continuous couch-sitting in Smith household history.
Good one, Klaus.
Mr.
Smith, my name is Heinrich Brown.
Okay! I'm from your insurance company and I'm here to review the details of your accident.
Anyway, I was hoping to talk to you about exactly how your accident went down.
Of course! Of cour of course.
Come in.
Come in.
Hope you like nothin', 'cause that's what I got to hide.
Hey, do you mind if we meet in the kitchen? My-my fish, and this little girl are trying to set a couch-sitting record.
You don't remember me? I'm Jean-Louise Finch.
You brought us some molasses one foggy morning, remember? So yeah, let's-let's go to the kitchen.
Thank you once more for this delicious glass of milk.
Now, Mr.
Smith, before I start, I want to remind you that insurance fraud is a felony, punishable by serious jail time.
Your sworn statement says you swerved because a dog jumped in front of your car? Are you sure that's what caused the accident? Why wouldn't he be sure? I don't know, Mrs.
Smith.
It's not my job to know what caused the accident.
It's my job to find out.
And then, after that to know.
He keeps drinking, but there's always the same amount of milk! Thank you again, Mr.
and Mrs.
Smith.
I will return this glass when I am done with my milk.
Oh, don't return it, just put it down when you're done.
If I was meant to have it, it'll find its way back to me.
And Mr.
Smith, please know that if you are hiding anything, anything at all, I will sniff it out.
It's an ability of mine.
For instance your fish and that Southern tomboy are hiding a wine stain on your couch.
What?! Is that true?! It was Klaus, he spilled the wine! He said if I told you, AI'd be next! Hey, yo, insurance is not a game You know what I'm saying? I'm a dog.
Here we go Radio edit Yo, let's do this Hey, yo, if you commit fraud You gon' be paying to God If you fake your wreck We gon' break your neck Cover your tracks well I'll use my sense to smell And all of a sudden Your permanent hotel is goin' be jail I'm a fraud sniff in' dog Make you squeal like a hog If I see fraudulence I pull a de-liverence And when I find out You'll lose that safe driver discount! Discount, discount, discount Yo Earthquakes are not covered Under the home insurance plan, bitch Yo, we do not cover acts of God I am an act of God Yo, you just remember You want fire coverage It's a separate policy The zip code affects your premium Yo, I ain't a good neighbor I banged your wife And you ain't in good hands Because I'll take your life.
I'll tell you what I told Verne Troyer: if the sidecar comes unattached, it's a separate vehicle and it's not covered.
Heinrich! Wh-What, wh-what are you doing here? Mr.
Smith.
I was about to close your case, but one small, easily-answered question arose.
It-it it did? Yes, you said a dog ran in front of your car.
But in this traffic camera photo, the only thing I see is a fox.
She's quite beautiful.
Did she happen to catch your eye? Oh, I don't I don't pay attention to joggers when I'm driving.
No, th-they're like pedestrians to me.
I'm just gonna come out and say it: I think you were rubbernecking.
With the best.
But I unfortunately have no evidence.
So I'm gonna have to close your case.
As long as I don't find anything at the routine inspection of your vehicle at the body shop.
Well, looks like we're in the clear.
He's not gonna find anything.
The only evidence is some pictures of that jogger in my phone.
Which I haven't even looked at since the accident because my phone's in my car.
You brought him in here, you bastard! Rubbernecking is all I have! Get down there and clean up your mess! 'Twas beauty killed the beast.
Mr.
Smith, how odd to see you here.
Have you inspected the car? Everywhere but under the driver's seat.
I always save that for dessert.
Nothing.
Mr.
Smith, I'm a proud man but not too proud to admit when I'm beaten.
I'm very proud of that.
Good-bye forever, Mr.
Smith.
My glass! Aw Stan? I lied, Stan.
Klaus didn't spill the wine we both did.
I had to tell you 'cause it's the truth.
And if we ain't got no truth in this world, what do we have? Damn lies.
You're not Stan.
How'd you get Stan's phone? What else of Stan's do you have? Let's sell it all and split the dough.
We're in this together.
Don't you dare double-cross me! Just as I suspected.
Your crash was caused by rubbernecking.
Mr.
Smith, you're under arrest for insurance fraud.
Oh, my God, what happened? I was checking out a hot chick in a news copter.
See? He told the truth.
And everyone's the better for it.
I'd like to purchase some life insurance.
Are you a smoker? Only when I drink.
Steve, why isn't your mother here? She's hurt, Dad.
She's so upset about your rubbernecking she's not even coming to your trial.
And I got to say, I don't blame her.
It's time to wake up, Stan.
It's time to stand up and be a man Be the husband that you told her you Were gonna be forever Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today But I can't see what's wrong with you You got a wife, a hot one, too But if you keep on looking, you won't end up together Oh, my God Is she not hot enough For you, Dad? I can't believe That you can't see Those lips, hips and face Body's all over the place Oh, yeah Damn, that's my mama That's his mama Damn, if that wasn't my mama Stan, you know it's not fair Why you looking at some other ho When she's got the milky breasts and silky hair Helen Keller, open your eyes You got the perfect wife The time inside her Was the best damn nine months of my life Is she not hot enough For you, Dad? I can't believe Ooh, oh, my God, oh, my God That you can't see Now I'm thinking maybe she's Just too hot For someone - As blind as you - Steve! Seriously, this isn't a great place not to be wearing a shirt.
Let him sing! All right.
Mr.
Smith, you will be judged by a jury of your peers, who just happen to all be married women around your wife's age.
Mr.
Smith, this is a photo not of the dog you claimed to avoid but of an admittedly attractive jogger that you took at the time of your accident.
And here is a photo of your wife.
With a wife this attractive, why were you looking at another woman? Are you some kind of deviant? What? No.
Looking at other women is normal.
It's Mr.
Smith? You were saying? No, I-I-I don't, I don't think I was.
Come on, Mr.
Smith.
Admit it.
You're a sex-crazed maniac, no better than a U.
S.
senator.
How dare you! I am a lot of things, but not a senator! Then why were you taking these photos?! Because I was rubbernecking! All men do it! I don't.
You're a dead man, Smith! You are gonna die! I don't know where or when, but each of us has to go in our own time! Is that even a threat? Order! Order! The gallery will refrain from shouting out existential truisms! Listen, I know I'm a judge and I'm supposed to make sure you get a fair trial, but everyone in here should be disgusted with you.
If my wife looked like yours, I'd never take my eyes off her.
Oh, you wouldn't, would you? Wait, Your Honor, can I ask the court for a quick recess? Didn't really wait for my answer Steve, take this to your mother.
She doesn't want to hear it, Dad.
She won't have to hear it.
She'll have to read it.
Just make sure she does.
Whatever.
Dick.
Oh Well, I forgot where we were, so I guess, Mr.
Smith, you have the floor.
You're a bad judge.
Well, I'm not the one on trial, am I? Am I? Proceed.
Your Honor, I'd like to call to the stand Francine Smith.
Busted! Rubbernecking! Rubbernecking! Rubberne Rubbernecking! You were all rubbernecking! See? I told you! All men do it.
But that doesn't make us bad guys.
It's like I said in my note, Francine.
I may look at other women, but it doesn't mean I love you any less.
My eyes may wander, but my heart always comes home.
Oh, Stan.
Well, to be completely honest, when I walked in here, it felt kind of good being looked at.
Yo, fellas, so what my girl wants to wear a short skirt? It be hot in Virginia I'm gonna wear a skirt Me, too, I want to be seen You look like a prostitute but it's not obscene If I got the goods and my body's rocking Ain't nothing wrong with window-shopping I get looked at all the time Tons and tons and tons of times How much is normal to get looked at? You can double that That's how much I get looked at It's pretty annoying sometimes But you live with it when you're hecka good-looking See, rubbernecking just ain't no crime We're doing it just to pass the time We might look but you'll go home with only me My eyes may wander But my heart comes home Comes home, comes home My eyes may wander But my heart comes home Comes home, comes home If Francine wasn't my mama Lord, you know I'd try to bone Come on, Steve.
Lord, I've learned my lesson Lord, I've learned my lesson Lord, we've learned our lesson Tonight! That was a lot of fun to sing.
But unfortunately, Mr.
Smith, you're on trial for insurance fraud, which you definitely did.
I hereby sentence you to six years in prison.
Lucky! We need a new couch! Bye! Have a beautiful time.