The Simpsons s09e17 Episode Script

##[Chorus Singing.]
[Tires Screeching.]
D'oh! [Screams.]
Yuck.
Salisbury soup again? My joe isn't sloppy enough.
And talk about weak coffee.
I'll take that.
What are they doing with our 45 cents? I bought my lunch at the gas station.
It's the kind John Glenn eats when he's not in space.
[Hissing.]
Wow! Just like the commercial.
There's a brainteaser on the back.
"Professor Provolone's Picto-Puzzle.
" "Professor Provolone's Picto-Puzzle.
" [Martin.]
That's a tough one.
- Got it! - Is this it? Excellent, Milhouse.
- How 'bout this? - Nice work, Bart.
How 'bout you, Lisa? I'll get it in a second.
Don't worry.
Oh! Of course.
It's- [Whispering.]
Yeah! Champion of the world! Answer this, Professor.
[Grunting.]
[Grunting.]
- Hey! Some of us are still trying to solve it.
- Just you.
Maybe I can't concentrate because of all your cooties! It's called lice.
And it's nothing to be ashamed of.
[Scratching.]
- [School Bell Rings.]
- [Cheering.]
Okay, let's see.
It's not Egyptian.
It's not Prince's names.
Uh- Uh- - Want a hint? - I don't need a hint, Ralph.
But you're suffering.
[Groans.]
So, Lisa.
Did you get that brainteaser yet? For your information, none of your business.
You look tired.
Are ya tired, Lisa? [Sighs.]
If you're suggesting I stayed up all night trying to solve that childish puzzle you're right.
- [Clatter.]
- Ah.
Now I can't remember my combination.
Look at my "aggieculture" project.
It's a piece of a cow.
[Gasps.]
The project.
I forgot all about it.
Very nice, Janie.
Good use of pipe cleaners, Becky.
[Buzzing.]
Don't open it, Ralph.
I'll just give you a C-minus.
Yea! - Not finished, Lisa? - I'm finished.
I just got to- [Grunts.]
There.
It's a pig! It's an eraser with pushpins.
And a spring for his curly tail.
[Laughs.]
Oink, oink, oink.
This is terrible at best.
I'm surprised at you, Lisa.
Me too.
Oh, it looks like somebody's "hoggir Dazs" ice cream.
[Laughs.]
I should write this down.
- More comir.
- [Door Dings.]
Um, I'm looking for something in an after-dinner burrito.
You'll have it in 45 seconds, sir.
[Beeping.]
To pass the time, please enjoy this novelty pen.
Why would I want to look at a pen with a-[Gasps.]
Oh, no! Her clothes are coming off! [Chuckles.]
Hey, you know who would love this? Men.
Five, four, three, two, one.
Liftoff! [Moans.]
Look at this mess.
Where is that elderly old man? Old man! Old m- [Screams.]
Hey, look.
A freezer man! - Wait a minute.
There is a note.
- Oh.
"I have frozen myself so I may live to see the wonders of the future.
"Thaw me out when robot wives are cheap and effective.
P.
S.
Please alter my pants as fashion dictates.
" ##[Saxophone.]
[Off-key.]
Now you're swingir, honey.
[Scatting Off-key.]
Darn it! Oh, no! No, no! The George Raft look is dead.
I wanted Audie Murphy! If you would just apologize to Louie, you could get your hair cut the way you want.
No apology! Not until he admits he's a jerk! Mom, I think something's wrong with me.
I can't do anything right lately.
You're just having a bad day.
I had one last week.
I burned the roast.
My cake fell.
And I ran out of butter, so I had to spray the English muffins with PAM.
Maybe you're just a lousy cook.
Ow! I'll go get the Bactine.
It can't just be a bad day.
I feel like I'm getting dumber by the minute.
Oh, ain't no big deal.
All Simpsons start to lose their smarts around your age.
- What are you talking about? - Well, I'll show ya.
Follow me.
Wow! Dad was a good speller? Oh, your dad used to be smart as a monkey.
Then his mind started gettir lazy and now he's dumb as a chimp.
- Grampa! - Hey, I am too.
Your brother's comir along nicely.
Look at Bart's homework.
Back when he was your age, he was smart as a chimp.
[Gasps.]
This is just two years ago! That's right.
Then the Simpson genes kicked in.
This is crazy.
Just because you and Dad and Bart went downill doesn't mean it's gonna happen to me.
- Does it? - Sure! But it doesn't mean you can't live a long and pointless life.
[Groans.]
Dear Log: Can it be true? Do all Simpsons go through a process of"dumbening"? Wait.
That's not how you spell "dumbening.
" Wait.
"Dumbening" isn't even a word! [Groans.]
I've got to find out more.
[Voices Shouting.]
[Grunting, Laughing.]
That makes 22 to 16.
Time is running out.
[Dr.
Hibbert Laughing.]
So you're worried about your genes, huh? Well, does it hurt when you go like this? - No.
- Then will you turn this projector on for me? I think the film should answer all your questions.
##[Introductory.]
[McClure Narrating.]
Have you ever wondered why fat parents have fat children or why Chinese parents have Chinese children? It's no coincidence.
It's because of D.
N.
A.
Hi.
I'm Troy McClure.
- [Alarm Blares.]
- [Men Shouting.]
You may remember me from such medical films as Alice Doesrt Live Anymore and Mommy, What's Wrong with that Mars Face? But Mr.
McClure, what is D.
N.
A.
? What the- Oh, hi, Billy.
Let's find out together.
D.
N.
A.
is God's recipe for making you.
##[Soundtrack Music Stuttering.]
You take a dash of Dad, a pinch of Mom then we bake for nine months, and- Mmm.
That's good Billy.
Mr.
McClure, what does D.
N.
A.
stand for? ##[Stuttering.]
That didn't answer anything.
- I need more information.
- Would you like to see it again? Isn't there any way I can change my D.
N.
A like sitting on the microwave? Not according to any movie I've ever seen.
I'm afraid you're stuck with your genes, Lisa.
[Chuckling.]
- [Door Dings.]
- Hi, frozen body.
- [Thumps.]
- Hmm.
He's got a lob but I don't hear a dob.
- [Thumps.]
- Oh.
Uh, there it is.
You're lucky he's still alive.
This freezer is an attractive nuisance.
Just look at all that ice cream.
It's damn near irresistible.
Well, we better leave him in there.
- Moving him now could kill him and tire us out.
- Check it out! - A freezer geezer.
- Please, young customers ignore the frozen gentleman, and return to your impulse buying.
Aw, but we wanna stare at the ice dude.
- We'll give ya a buck.
- No.
This is a convenience store not a freak show.
$1.
20? - ##[Carnival.]
- Come one, come all.
See the amazing frozen man.
Also gaze at the Frito found in a bag of Doritos.
Marvel at the floor that just won't come clean! Dear Log: My worst fears have been confirmed.
I've hit my mental and creative peak at the tender age of eight.
What will my life be like after I descend into mediocrity? - [Clank.]
- [Laughing.]
Oh.
- [Clank.]
- [Laughing.]
Well, Ralph seems happy enough.
Maybe I should just give up now and settle into a mindless, happy stupor.
[Announcer.]
We now return to When Buildings Collapse on nonstop Fox.
- [Building Collapses.]
- [Homer And Bart Laughing, Cheering.]
- [Bart And Homer Whooping.]
- [Groans.]
Hey, Lise, wanna join us? Room for one more.
We're watchir the TV.
[Narrator.]
Man has always loved his buildings.
But what happens when the buildings say, "No more"? ##[Triumphant.]
[Homer.]
Yes! [Laughs.]
- [Both Laughing.]
- [Homer.]
Oh! Ooh! Yeah! [Laughing.]
[Cheering.]
[Homer.]
I didn't think it was gonna fall over.
- Yea! - Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! ##[Ends.]
The best part was when the buildings fell down.
Yeah.
Ha.
Maybe people got hurt.
Hey, yeah.
[Chortling.]
[Announcer.]
And now, a Channel 6 editorial reply.
[Singsong.]
Boring! [Announcer.]
And now, When Surgery Goes Wrong.
All right.
Sounds good.
##[Carnival.]
- Behold the can of mystery! - [Crowd Murmurs.]
The label vanished many years ago.
What strange wonders lie inside? Treasure, dog food? Whoa! Some things man is not meant to know.
[Rod And Todd Reading.]
"Show me your"- - Hey! - Hey! It says, "Show me your tie.
" It's cute.
Come on.
Let's go.
Me and Frostillicus go back a long way.
I used to share a bathroom with Frostillicus.
In fact, I got a real funny story about that.
Actually, it's not so much funny as it is long.
It seems that there was this- Whoo! What a gold mine! [Gasps.]
Oh, my goodness! [Whistling.]
Boy, seeing that stomach surgery made me hungry.
Marge, we need No snacks.
Dinner will be ready in three minutes.
[All Three Groaning.]
If she started dinner three minutes earlier, we wouldn't be in this mess.
Relax, Lise.
Dad and I always have a plan "B.
" [Gulping, Chewing.]
- Pretty neat, huh? - But those candy bars are all squished and melted.
- Wha- - Wha- [Muffled.]
Come on, Lisa.
Join your family.
[Whimpering.]
- [Kids Crying.]
- Quit it! Quit it.
[Southern Accent.]
Quit-You kids knock it off.
Mama's watchir her stories.
Hi, honey.
It's me, your husband, Ralph.
Hey, angel pie.
Can you drive me down to the "liberry"? I wanna rent us up some movies.
[Groaning.]
Wesley, get mama's pryir bar.
Easy does it now.
Easy.
Little more.
Get- Right- Back- - [Grunts.]
- I'll get your coat.
- No! - No what? - I don't wanna turn out that way.
- What way, angel pie? Like you! Lisa, come on.
Your tomato soup is getting a skin on top.
Fine.
She doesn't get her skin.
Lisa insulted us, Mom.
She thinks she is so great.
I'll dance on her grave.
- Bart! - What? Oh, napkin.
Right.
Dear Log: It won't be long now before my mind melts into a soft, Simpsony sludge.
Soon, the arts and literature I love will be replaced by talk radio and vulgar mud flaps.
It's time to give my brain its last meal.
Oh, Kenny.
Look at the interplay of light and shadow.
It's so luminous and vibrant! [Laughs.]
Thanks, Lisa.
I painted that one.
[Lowers Voice.]
The real one's in my garage.
[Lowers Voice.]
The real one's in my garage.
##[Violin.]
Hmm.
Sounds like she's hitting a baby with a cat.
You have to listen to the notes she's not playing.
[Scoffs.]
I can do that at home.
[Door Dings.]
Son, I represent a group of oil tycoons who make foolish purchases.
We already bought us a stained glass bathrobe and the world's fattest racehorse.
Now we need your Ice Man.
Oh, no.
I could never sell him.
He's like a frozen father to me.
- How much for just the head? - [Cracking.]
[Jasper Moans.]
By gum, it worked.
I've awakened in the future.
"Moon Pie.
" What a time to be alive.
Hey, who unplugged my freezer? Return to your state of living death at once, sir.
Is that you, Apu? Whoa! Time has ravaged your once-youthful looks.
- [Door Dings.]
- [Grunts.]
Ah, well, Sanjay.
That is the end of our freak show.
We must relinquish the giddy glamour of show business and return to the humble pleasures of the neighborhood shopkeeper.
- Hmm.
- Hmm.
##[Disco.]
Time traveler discount? - Come on in! - ##[Disco Continues.]
- Great set.
- Oh, thanks.
But the crowd kept looking at me like I was using too many augmented ninths.
Aw, they just came for the buffalo wings.
But you really got through to me.
Oh, good.
I figure if you've got something special to say you have to share it with the world.
Yeah.
While you still can.
Thanks.
[Running Footsteps.]
Damn.
That felt like a sale.
I'm sorry, little girl.
We don't just put people on TV.
Unless, of course, they're replying to an editorial.
Uh, I am! I'm strongly opposed to Proposition, uh, 305! You're against discount bus fares for war widows? - Uh, you bet I am.
- Okay.
Makeup.
I'm getting worried about Lisa.
She's been gone for hours.
If I were her, I'd be buying me a great big chocolate apology cake.
Authorities believe the wave of towel snappings will get worse before it gets better.
And now, with an editorial reply, here's a small girl.
Hello.
My name is Lisa Simpson.
[Gasps.]
- I'm supposed to talk to you about Rroposition 305.
- Moochir war widows.
But I have something more important to say.
For reasons beyond my control, I will soon become vapid, sluggish and slow-witted.
So before that happens, I want to share some things with you that have meant a lot to me.
What is she doir out there? I'll cut off her mike.
No, no, no.
Let her speak.
I'm trying to get fired.
And please don't deprive yourself of wonderful books like To Kill a Mockingbird, Harriet the Spy and Yertle the Turtle possibly the best book ever written on the subject of turtle stacking.
She's got that right.
Beauty is all around us, and not just in pageants and parlors.
You can find it in the swirl of galaxies or the swirl in the center of a sunflower.
That's a good idea.
Let's go out for some frosty swirls.
Homer, your daughter is pouring her heart out.
- We'll tape it.
- Why's she saying all this.
Is she dying? Oh, she's just upset 'cause I told her her brairs turning to mush.
You know, on account of the Simpson gene.
Simpson gene? That's just foolishness! No.
Baldness too.
So please, I beg you, don't take your brain for granted.
It's the best friend you'll ever have.
[Clears Throat.]
Little girl likes her brain.
What's your opinion? [Scoffs.]
Simpson gene.
Somebody's gotta set that girl straight and I know how to do it.
Marge, get me your address book four beers and my conversation hat.
- [Snoring.]
- Lisa.
Lisa, honey, wake up.
[Yawns.]
Why bother? Because your father has a big surprise for you.
- I'm adopted? - Better.
Come look.
Lisa, it's me, Daddy.
Your father.
I rounded up every Simpson in the tri-city area so I can prove to you there's nothing wrong with the Simpson genes.
This is your great-uncle Chet.
Go ahead, Chet.
Tell her what you do.
I run an unsuccessful shrimp company.
Oh.
But you run it, right? - Oh, yeah.
- Okay.
Uh, this is your second cousin Stanley.
Um, I shoot birds at the airport.
Everybody hates birds, right? [Whimpers.]
Well, you look pretty successful.
Thanks.
I play a millionaire at parties.
At least I'd like to.
You probably should have researched this first, eh, Dad? - What about you? - Well, sir, I step in front of cars and sue the drivers.
I beg celebrities for money.
- I'm a prison snitch.
- Jug band manager.
- My legs hurt.
- [Groans.]
Oh, Lisa's right.
We're nothing but a big bunch of losers.
Show's over, folks.
Go home! - What about our five bucks? - You get it after you leave.
Now get outta here.
[Voices Mumbling.]
Wait a minute, Homer.
You didn't ask everybody.
What about the women? Fine, fine.
What do you do, "Dr.
Simpson"? - Doctor? - That's right.
I'm Chief of Complicated Surgery at the InvasiCare Clinic.
That means you went to college, right? You have to if you want to be an architect.
Or an environmental lawyer.
Or Regional Sales Coordinator for the third largest distributor of bunk and trundle beds.
Oh! Did you hear that, Lisa? So all the Simpson women turn out okay.
That's right, sweetie.
The defective Simpson gene is on the "Y" chromosome, so only men are affected.
[Both Growling.]
- Yea! - Yea! So I'm not doomed! Oh, Dad, I've never been happier to be your daughter! Oh, thanks, honey.
Remember there's nothing that says you can't be a Simpson and a success.
Unless you're a man.
So wait a minute.
This means I'm gonna be a failure? Yes, Son.
A spectacular failure.
[Grunts.]
Dearest Log: I am me again! And I feel like there's nothing I can't do.
Except this stupid braintea- Except this stupid braintea- [Gasps.]
I got it! Whoo-hoo! I mean, splendid.
- [Murmuring.]
- Shh!