Friends s09e18 Episode Script

Monica? Hey, can I borrow the Porsche? - Okay.
- All right! But what is it not? A place to entertain my lady friends.
- And what else is it not? - A place to eat spaghetti.
Very good.
What do you need it for anyway? The Powerball lottery is up to 300 million and they don't sell tickets here.
- So you're driving up to Connecticut? Yeah, Connecticut.
Not West Virginia.
Maybe I'll drive you up there.
I'd like to buy some tickets myself.
Yeah, with Chandler not getting paid, we could really use $300 million.
Yes, because if I was at my old job, we'd say, "300 million? No, thank you.
" - Will you get me tickets too? - Yeah, me too.
- Sure.
- I have an idea.
Why don't we all pitch in 50 bucks, we'll pool our money together and then if we win, we'll split it.
- That's a great idea! No, thanks.
- You don't want to win the lottery? - Sure I do.
I also want to be king of my own country and find out what happened to Amelia Earhart.
- Still on Amelia Earhart? - The woman just vanished! Seriously, you don't want in on this? No.
Do you know what your odds are of winning the lottery? I mean, you have a better chance of being struck by lightning 42 times.
But there's six of us, so we'd only have to get struck 7 times.
I like those odds! Seriously, you guys, I can't believe you're gonna spend $250 on the lottery.
I mean, that's such a bunch of boo-hockey.
I'll ask.
"Boo-hockey"? Oh, we think Emma's about to start talking so we're trying to be careful about what words we use in front of her.
So get ready to hear a lot of boo-hockey gosh darn it and brother pucker.
How do you know she's gonna start talking? When I talk to her, I almost feel like she understands what I'm saying.
Kind of like Joey.
What's that now? The One With the Lottery mrnch@dh.
net.
mk Subtitle Editor (c) Digital Higherground - Igor Janevski, 2004 God, look at all these tickets.
It's so exciting.
I haven't won anything since sixth grade.
Pie-eating contest? You assume because I was heavy that's the only way I could win something? No, I saw a picture of you covered in blueberries.
- That was a good day.
- Yeah.
- They're towing your car! - I'm parked in a garage on Morton.
They're towing a car.
And I am seeing spots.
Ross, you don't have Emma! Rachel, you don't have Emma! - Where's Emma? Who has Emma? - Joey, relax.
My mother picked her up two hours ago.
You were there.
- I was? - Yes, and you talked to her.
- I did? - She dropped off a casserole.
Oh, yeah, the casserole lady.
Did you come by to watch us win the big bucks? Yeah.
And then I figured after you win, we can all go out to the balcony and see a night rainbow with gremlins dancing on top of it.
Don't touch the phone! I'll get it! - You think he washed his hands? - Hello? - Hey, Charlie, what do you know? - What's going on? Chandler's supposed to find out if he's getting a job at his agency.
But out of 15 interns, they're only hiring three.
- Tough odds.
- Yeah.
If only it were a sure thing like your 24-state lottery.
Yeah, look who's coming around! Damn it.
All right, call me when you know more.
- Did you get it? - One of the slots got filled.
- By you? - Sense the tone.
- No, that kid Nate got it.
- Oh, I hate that guy.
I mean, come on, kid, pull up your pants! Well, there's two spots left, right? Yeah.
I mean, I want this so much.
I want to get one.
I want my friend Charlie to get one.
Except I don't care about Charlie.
- Hey, you guys.
- Hey! You are not gonna believe this.
I just saw my psychic and she said I was definitely gonna win the lottery tonight! I thought we could use some extra luck so I brought a wishbone home from work.
A psychic and a wishbone? Guys, give someone else a chance.
- All right, who wants to do it? - Can I? Vegetarians never get to do the wishbone.
It's really not fair.
Just because we don't eat the meat doesn't mean we don't like to play with the carcasses.
All right.
Rach? I don't want that turkey smell all over my hands.
I'll do it! Lt'll get the casserole stink off of mine.
- I hope I win.
- Well, it doesn't really matter.
You're both wishing for the same thing.
I can't tell you what I'm wishing for, or else, you know, it won't come true.
Right.
But we know what you're wishing for.
- I can't really say.
- I understand.
But you're wishing for what we think, aren't you? I'm not really comfortable with these questions! - Please! - Just do it! Okay.
One, two, three.
I won! Hey! You know what? I'm sure your wish is gonna come true.
But, you guys, just in case, maybe a genie will come out if we rub this lamp.
That thing gets hot! Ross, just keep making your jokes.
How are you gonna feel if we actually do win? - You're not gonna win.
- I know the odds are against us but somebody has to win, and it could be us.
And then how you gonna feel? We're gonna be like, "Everybody, let's take our helicopters up to the Cape.
" And you're gonna be all, like, "Oh, I can't, guys.
I'll have to meet you up there.
I gotta gas up the Hyundai.
" Okay, I've heard myself on tape, and I sound nothing like that.
I can see the headline now: "Lottery Winners' Friend Filled With Regret, Eats Own Arm.
" Why would I eat my own arm? Well, you wouldn't, but we own the paper.
We can print whatever we want.
You know what? I'm gonna throw in 50 bucks for you.
- Why? - Because I know that you think that the lottery is boo-hockey but we're all here, and we're gonna watch the numbers and have fun.
And you're my brother, and I want you to be a part of this.
You don't have to do that.
I mean, I'll pay for myself.
But just the fact that you want me to have fun with you guys, that's so sweet.
Come here.
Get a room.
So now that you're in, what are you gonna do if we win? - I don't know.
I'll probably just invest it.
- Calm down.
Seriously, that's your fantasy? To invest it? Oh, I'm sorry.
Did I say, "invest it"? I meant, "Be cool and piss it all away.
" I know! We should pool all our money and buy the Knicks! I don't really care about the Knicks.
You will when I pick you as starting forward.
You would do that? I never get picked! I'm not sure a sports team is the way to go.
You won't let me buy the Knicks? I can't believe you're taking this away.
You're right, it has been your dream for over 15 seconds.
How long until they announce the numbers, Mommy? I'll take this one too.
"Mommy"? Oh, I've gotten into the habit of calling Rachel "Mommy" when we're around Emma.
Which I now realize we are not.
I'm hoping that if she hears it enough, it'll be her first word.
Although if we're gonna do that, we should probably call me "Daddy" too.
I like that, Daddy.
I was just talking about Rachel.
Is Daddy getting angry? Is Daddy gonna spank me? Well, that depends.
Have you been a bad? No, I can't.
Hello? Hello? Hey, Charlie.
Did anybody else hear? What? Susan got it? How? Oh, man, I would've slept with him! All right, bye.
Dude, I'm sorry.
But hey, there's one spot left, right? - Well, Charlie's gonna get that.
- Hey, don't say that.
You've got just as good a chance of getting that job.
He is the boss' son.
- Come on, lottery! - Yeah! - It starts in, like, 20 minutes.
- Okay, here we go.
We need to sort through the tickets quickly to see if we've won.
So does anybody have any ideas how to organize this? Okay, how about this: We divide them into six groups of 40.
The remaining 10 can be read by whoever finishes first.
- I have another idea.
- I'm sorry, idea time is over.
- Well, are all the tickets in the bowl? - Yeah.
- What about the ones on the nightstand? - There are no tickets there.
Yes, there are.
I just saw them a few minutes ago.
No, you didn't.
You must be mistaken.
- There are 20 tickets on the nightstand.
- Chandler, sense the tone.
Well, well, well.
Look what Mommy found.
Okay, fine.
I bought 20 extra tickets for me and Chandler.
The psychic also said that I would be betrayed.
I can't believe this.
I thought we were all in this together.
- Hey, you just got in five minutes ago! - Three minutes ago! I don't know why that's important.
I was with you the whole time.
When did you even get those? When you were reading the dirty magazines without taking off the plastic.
I'll show you how.
Okay.
Well, Monica, suppose one of your special tickets wins? How are you gonna feel when you win and lose your friends? Please.
If I win the lottery, you guys are not gonna leave me.
Someone gave me muffins last week, and I couldn't get rid of you for three days! Chandler, would you just tell her what she did was wrong? She's right.
You shouldn't have bought tickets just for us.
Let me finish.
However, it doesn't look like I'm gonna get this job so I can't afford to have principles.
So screw you! The tickets are ours! There's the man I married.
All right.
Believe me, if you win the lottery it's the last you're gonna hear from us.
Fine.
Don't be my friends.
I'll buy new friends.
Yeah, and then I'll pay for their plastic surgery so they look just like you! You know what? I want my share of the tickets.
I want my tickets too! And I'm buying the Knicks! And Steffi Graf! Cool.
Then I want mine too! And if I win I'm gonna put it all into a very low-yield bond! No.
You guys, we gotta keep all the tickets together.
No.
No, we should divide them up and I should get extra because we used my car! Hey! Hey! If anybody gets extra tickets, it should be me! - This whole thing was my idea! - Yeah.
Thanks for inventing the lottery! Just give them to me, and I'll split them up! Hey, hey! God, I can't take it anymore! I'm putting an end to this! - Okay, if she jumps, I get her tickets! - Wait, no, no! Hey! If we're not doing this together, we're not doing it at all.
- Say goodbye to your tickets.
- No! No! No! Do not come any closer! Can I come a little bit closer? Valuable things are getting squished.
Now, what's more important, your friends or money? - Friends! - Money! Friends.
Hey, Monica, what about your extra tickets? They're all in there.
- Even these five that I hid in my bra.
- Monica! Okay.
Good.
You guys were so scared.
There is no way I was gonna dump this God! No! I think I broke your bowl.
Go! Go! Go! What a beautiful night to be running around the street, looking for tickets.
And the wind sure made it fun.
- Phoebe, we lost half of them.
- So what? Monica, we have the winning ticket.
My psychic said I was gonna win, remember? Weird your psychic didn't mention anything about the scary pigeon.
As a matter of fact, she said that's how I'm going to die.
So excuse me for being a little skittish.
There's two messages.
This could be from work.
- Oh, play them.
- Okay.
Here we go.
Hello.
This is the pigeon from the balcony calling to apologize.
I shouldn't have knocked the tickets out of the pretty lady's hand.
It was all my fault.
Not hers.
Bye.
Well, I bet that was very hard for him to do.
"Hey", "Chandler", "it's Charlie.
" This is it.
"Listen", "it turns" out I got the last spot.
"I'm really sorry", "man.
" It was a lot of fun working with you.
Give me a call if you want.
Gosh, I'm so sorry, honey.
Sorry, Chandler.
It is so unfair.
It's like that time they promoted Saundra over me at work.
Was she related to Ralph Lauren? No, she was just much better at her job than me.
You guys, the drawing's about to start.
We should call my mom's and say good night to Emma before she goes down.
- Good idea.
Honey, you're being really strong about this.
I know how badly you wanted that job.
Yeah, you know, I really thought I deserved it.
But let's go win the lottery.
I mean, we still have a 130 chances to win, right? Hundred and thirty-one.
Yeah, good night, sweetheart.
I love you.
And remember, you're Daddy's little girl.
Phoebe's totally ruined that for me.
Hi, Mom.
Put her back on.
Rach, they're announcing the numbers! My God, I can already feel myself changing.
Here are your official Powerball numbers.
We have 53.
- I've got that.
- We have one too! We are on the road, people! Come on! Mom, please, I know you love your new lips, but I can barely understand you.
Would you please just let me say good night to my daughter? And here we go.
The Powerball is seven.
All right, check your numbers! Make me rich.
You guys, you're not gonna believe this.
I was just saying good night to Emma, and she said her first words.
- What? - Well, what did she say? She said, "Gleba"! Make me rich! - Isn't that amazing? - Oh, yeah.
No, no, no, that's great.
Why aren't you more excited? Rach, gleba is not a word.
- Well, of course it is.
- Okay.
What does it mean? Well, I don't know all the words.
You know, I'm just glad I didn't miss my daughter's first word.
- Yes you did! Gleba is a word! - Okay.
Use it in a sentence.
Okay.
Emma just said, "Gleba.
" - It's not a word.
- Okay, fine.
I'm gonna look it up.
Okay, great.
While you're at it, she said another word the other day.
Why don't you look up: All right.
Okay.
Okay.
Gleba.
Gleba.
Gleba.
Gleba! Here it is! "The fleshy, spore-bearing inner mass of a certain fungi.
" She's gonna be a scientist.
- Damn it.
Anybody got anything? - No.
I'm still looking through mine.
Just double-checking.
No.
No.
No.
No! Hello? Hold on.
It's your boss.
The "I'm sorry I rejected you" phone call.
I'm not used to getting these from guys.
- Hey, Steve.
- Chandler, hi.
I'm sure you've heard we filled the three positions.
We felt that with your maturity and experience you wouldn't be happy being someone's assistant.
I'd love to be somebody's assistant.
Answering phones getting coffee, I live for that stuff.
And I'm not too mature.
Farts, boobies, butt cracks! Chandler, you were the strongest person in the program.
We're offering you the position of junior copywriter.
Me? That guy who just said, "butt cracks"? "Yes", "that's right.
" We're excited about the level of sophistication you'll be bringing to the job.
Okay.
Well, thanks, you won't regret it.
I'll see you tomorrow.
What? Oh, yeah, I'm gonna be a junior copywriter! Congratulations! Oh, sweetie, I'm so proud of you.
Thanks.
Does that mean I get the good loving tonight? You bet.
No TV or anything.
- Hey, that is so great about the job.
- Thanks, man.
I'd like to think I had something to do with it.
- Really? Why? - Well, before with the wishbone.
I didn't wish we would win the lottery.
I wished you'd get the job.
Oh, yeah? Listen, don't tell Monica.
She'll rip your heart right out.
Well, you know what? There was a little part of me that really thought we were gonna win.
Me too.
So much for my dinosaur/ Amelia Earhart theme park.
You guys? What was the Powerball number again? - Seven.
- We won.
- What? - We won! - Let me see! Let me see! - Don't tear it! Phoebe, you don't have any of the first five numbers! I know that, but look, we got the Powerball number.
We won $3! Wow, you think we should get that over I don't care.
I've never won anything before.
I can't believe this! So, Pheebs, what are you gonna do with your $3? Well, it's not all mine.
We all get 50 cents.
You know what? You can have mine.
- Me too.
- Me too.
Me too.
Well, I guess if everybody else is.
Hey, guys.
So I just called the Powerball hot line.
- Can you believe it? Nobody won.
- I beg to differ.
Maybe nobody won the jackpot, but there was this guy in here earlier and he found a ticket on the street right outside and won $ 10,000.
Again, don't blame the pretty lady.
It was not her fault.
It was me, the pigeon.
Seriously, stop staring at her.