M*A*S*H (MASH) s09e18 Episode Script

[Jet Passing Overhead.]
Park him right there, Kellye.
Sturgis, since you called ahead, this one will be yours.
- A bed with a view of your buddy.
- Thanks a lot, Doc.
Thank you.
He's not as bad as he looks, is he? Think he's gonna be okay.
It's a little early to tell for sure.
You guys are great with the "no-answer" answers.
Only when that's all we have.
Then let me give you the answer.
Dan's gonna make it.
He's not cashing it in over some hill with a number on it.
- Hold on to those good thoughts.
- I just hope I can stay awake.
I'd like to be the first person he sees when he comes to.
You just rest easy.
And remember, the bathroom is one flight down.
- Sturgis's friend what's his name? - Lowry.
Lowry.
He doesn't look too good, huh? His pressure's down, his pulse and respiration are both rapid and his temperature's spiked at 102.
- They don't sound like words to live by.
- He's still losing blood.
I can't go in while that infection's still there.
Just have to keep an eye on him and hope.
[Hawkeye.]
We won't be the only ones.
- [Knocking.]
- The welcome mat is lit.
- Klinger said you wanted to see me, Colonel.
- Indeed I do.
I've got some good news, and I want to deliver it person to parson.
Ah, good news.
Well, what can it be? Just a few minutes ago I got a call from Command.
Does the name James Reardon cause anything to ring in your belfry? James Cardinal Reardon? The very same.
The honcho padre himself.
Well, I heard he was touring Korea.
Did you also hear that the 4077 was on his agenda? What a wonderful stroke of luck! - When? - Sunday morning.
Sunday morning? What rotten luck! Padre, you can strip your gears changing into reverse that fast.
You oughta be pleased as punch.
The cardinal will be able to feast his ears on one of your whiz-bang sermons.
Colonel Potter, that's only two days from now! Any sermon I could possibly come up with that fast won't be a whiz-banger.
Nonsense.
The first commandment for being a good padre is having a little faith in yourself.
I'm sure you'll come up with something that'll knock the cardinal's cassock off.
But there are so many other things to think about! [Sighs.]
This isn't just some run-of-the-mill monsignor.
Oh, if only you'd given me this two-day notice a couple of weeks ago.
Hold onto your hosannas, Father.
I'll have Klinger make sure everything is perfecto for the cardinal's arrival.
[Rizzo.]
Come on, baby.
Roll 'em right.
Rizzo's gonna win tonight.
- Come on, patsies.
- [Men Grumbling.]
Deposit your legal tenders in the Bank of Rizzo.
Thank you.
Thank you.
- All right, roll' em.
Bring those bones out.
- Howdee-do, boys.
Ain't this a wonderful happenstance? Here I am with the padre, and there you boys are down on your knees.
Don't worry, sir.
The rest of these pigeons ain't got a prayer.
- Rizzo, this sort of thing just won't do! - We're just having a crap game.
For cryin' out loud, it's payday.
But the cardinal is coming! No problem there.
His money's as good as the next man's.
Colonel, would you do something? All right, boys, you know this is against regs.
Sergeant, I'm ordering you and your motor pool mafia to put this floating crap game into drydock.
[Sighs.]
Whatever you say, sir.
The first thing I'm gonna do when we get home is take that Merc down off the blocks.
We're gonna go cruisin' right over to Green Bay and pick up a couple of waitresses at the all-you-can-eat place.
Right, Dan? I knew you'd remember that.
Oh, hi, Docs.
Hey, it seemed like his lightbulb went on for a second.
That's a good sign, huh? For some people, waking up is a good sign.
For others, going to sleep is.
Why don't you turn in? Well, if Dan comes to, you make sure you wake me.
We'll drum reveille on your cast.
Wish I could be as optimistic as his buddy is.
- We're still getting blood through the N.
G.
Tube.
- You gonna go in again? I think I'll wait another day.
Right now neither of us has the stomach for it.
- [Men Chattering.]
- [Rizzo.]
Yahoo.
! Holy chitlins.
It's a raid.
Rizzo! I can't express the depth of my disappointment! Colonel Potter made it perfectly clear he didn't want to see another game.
Mmm.
That's why we moved in here.
All I'm asking is that you put a stop to it for a couple of days.
Father, please, try and see my side of it.
What if peace is declared tomorrow and they ship us all home before I have a chance to shear these sheep? Rizzo, what's at stake here is more than a few crummy dollars.
We're talking about enrichment of the soul.
Father Mulcahy's a good man.
The least we can do is put away our petty vices.
Thank you, Corporal.
- [Rizzo.]
Hey, Klinger.
- Let's go, Father.
Where's that five bucks from this morning's game? [Exasperated Grunt.]
His temperature's down a degree, Doctor.
Better, but still in the tropical zone.
- How's the hematocrit? - Still low 28.
Margaret, set up another unit.
- Better make that a double.
- Hey, what's going on? We're just gonna give your friend another transfusion.
If you're looking for blood, you're in the right place.
Dan and I are both A-positive.
- Sorta makes us blood brothers.
- What do you think? Why not? Let's do a C.
B.
C.
, and if he can afford it, we'll take a pint and gift-wrap it.
You can sign the card.
- [Chattering, Laughing.]
- ##[Jukebox.
Jazz .]
Evening, Father.
Can I get you a little Bible belt? [Laughing.]
I'm afraid I'm not in the mood for jocularity, Igor.
I have a favor to ask.
Ask, and ye shall receive.
Do you suppose, on this one occasion you might do me the courtesy of removing that, uh that pulchritudinous display? Father, are you kidding me? You take down Mona, and I could get court-martialed.
Worse yet, I could get my teeth kicked in.
Where's Colonel Potter? Over in the corner.
So the girl said to the third guy "You must be the Boy Scout, because you're the one who helped me across the street.
" [Laughs.]
Boy, that ain't the way I heard it.
I don't wanna hear it the way you heard it, and neither does the padre.
Padre? Ahh! Father Mulcahy.
Pull up a pew and have a few.
Look at this place.
It's a den of iniquity.
Don't think of it as a den.
Think of it more as a rec room.
You promised to make sure everyone behaved themselves like civilized human beings.
Yesterday was payday, Padre.
Folks need to let off a little steam.
The cardinal won't be here until tomorrow.
By then, there'll be nothing to ruffle his feathers.
The morning services will be a shambles.
Everyone'll be hung-over, reeking with liquor, unshaven, unkempt Hold your ponies, Padre.
I'm way ahead of you.
I already set a 12:00 curfew for this evening, to be followed by a bed check.
- I saw that.
You dealt off the bottom.
- Nobody calls me a cheat.
! [Shouting.]
Stop this at once! You should all be ashamed.
! Is it asking so much that you control yourselves for two lousy days? Instead, you seem to be going out of your way to make things miserable for me! Well, you're all a bunch of stinkers! Down to 99.
8.
Mm-hmm.
Lungs are clearing up.
Sturgis, I think your buddy's gonna be just fine.
Didn't I tell you he was gonna pull through? - And I got you guys to thank.
- Hey, all we did was give him the medicine.
You talked him into getting better.
Now I can stop whatever bleeding is going on and give him a final fill-up.
So what are you waiting for? I got plenty on tap.
- Dr.
Pierce is cross-matching your blood right now.
- Great! Good news, Hawk.
Lowry's turned a corner.
- He's in the slow lane, but he's gonna be fine.
- That's great.
Good.
What's the matter? Take a look.
- Is that Sturgis? - Yeah.
What's the count? Over a hundred thousand.
You can look as long as you want.
It's still gonna be leukemia.
Oh, God.
What the hell do I tell him? Maybe, uh Maybe if he knows, he can get more out of the time he has left.
Yeah, or it could take the life out of the time he has left.
If it were you, would you wanna know? Would you want to tell me? I don't know.
Where you goin'? I don't even know the answer to that question.
You awake, Sturgis? Oh, hi, Doc.
- How are you feeling? - You tell me.
The nurse has been in here five times taking blood samples.
When I ask her why, she starts tap-dancing about it being "standard procedure.
" No, just cross-matching.
Pretty soon my dipstick's gonna come up dry, and I won't have anything left for Dan.
We just wanted to run some tests.
Since when do you run blood tests for a broken arm? What kind of place is this? Well, happily, you won't have to put up with us too much longer.
- We're sending you to Tokyo General.
- Tokyo General? What for? Oh, you'll love it.
They got nurses that'll give you such a sponge bath, you'll have to take a cold shower.
I don't want to go to Tokyo General.
I wanna stay with Dan and give him my blood.
Dan's gonna be just fine.
We got all the blood we need.
You said I could give him some.
What's going on here? Look, Gary Gary? All of a sudden we're on a first-name basis, huh? Doc, uh is there something wrong with me? We found a problem with some of your blood tests and we we want to double-check it in Tokyo.
Oh, can't you guys ever give anybody a straight answer? What the hell is this all about? We're not sure.
We think you may have leukemia.
God Almighty.
Leukemia? Look, first of all, we're not positive you have it.
If you do, I'm not gonna kid you your chances aren't too good.
But you're in the first stages.
There's always the possibility of remission.
[Whispers.]
Leukemia.
They're doing research on this all the time.
Research? Fat lot of good that'll do me.
They'll find the cure in 20 years af after I'm I don't know what else there is to say.
I asked you to tell me, didn't I? Look, you're leaving first thing in the morning for Tokyo.
If If you If you wanna talk, or if there's [Stammers.]
Anything you need just call me, okay? Sure.
[Vehicle Approaching.]
- [Brakes Squeak.]
- Oh, my goodness.
[Engine Off.]
[Sighs.]
- Your Eminence.
- And you must be Father Mulcahy.
- Your Eminence.
- And you must be Father Mulcahy.
- Y-Yes, Your Eminence.
- My apologies for the early arrival.
I was forced to revise our plans.
Evidently, this is what happens when one makes an itinerary without consulting the North Koreans.
- No inconvenience at all, Your Eminence.
- Ah, good.
I'm the protocol officer, Captain Bratton.
Uh, sorry I didn't have time to get dressed.
- But I figure a man like you would be used to robes.
- [Laughing.]
May I introduce our company commander, Colonel Potter and our company clerk, Corporal Klinger.
- Cardinal.
- Corporal.
- Captain.
- Chaplain.
Corporal.
- Captain.
- Colonel.
- Cardinal.
Corporal, show the cardinal to his quarters.
I thought that before retiring we might visit your Officers Club.
Oh? Well, unfortunately, that establishment is closed for the evening.
Oh.
So our personnel might spend their time in more contemplative pursuits.
I still don't get Potter's joke.
I think the old bird is finally losing his marbles.
Well, let's get it straight from the old bird's mouth.
Colonel, see if I've got this right.
This farm girl invites three guys over to her house a- a-a Boy Scout a lumberjack and a I still don't get it.
Can I assume from this that the Officers Club has now reopened? However, I'm afraid refreshments are out of the question.
He's our bartender.
Klinger, show Captain Bratton his bunkhouse.
And then sweep up here.
Right away, Your Birdness.
We have accommodations for you in the V.
I.
P.
Tent, Your Eminence.
And besides the mass tomorrow morning I'll be conducting our usual nondenominational service.
- It would be a great honor if you would say a few words.
- Oh, of course.
Had some cardinals show up during the big wars.
It's nice to know you come out for police actions too.
[Laughs.]
Well, Cardinal, here's your roost.
[Blows.]
Be sweet.
Be sweet.
Papa needs a lawyer.
[Sighs.]
This camp is full of inconsiderate boobs and rummies.
I've just been publicly disgraced before His Eminence himself by Rizzo and his crap-shooting grease monkeys.
I know the cardinal must be thinking I'm doing a rotten job.
How would you feel if you were in my shoes? Are you going to just sit there drinking your coffee? I'm sorry, Father.
I don't really feel much like talking.
I just had to tell a patient he has leukemia.
Good heavens.
That must have been very difficult for you.
I didn't want to tell him, but he wouldn't let me off the hook.
[Sighs.]
I'm a doctor, and, uh, the guy looks to me for answers and all I can tell him is you've got this terrible disease and there's nothing I can do about it.
Can't blame this on the war.
Can't blame it on anything.
Including yourself.
I wish I could believe I did the right thing.
A doctor is still just a human being.
All you can do is follow your instincts.
My instincts are to cure him.
[Sighs.]
[Murmuring, Coughing.]
[Chuckles.]
- Streets are never gonna be the same.
- [Laughing.]
- Good morning, Doc.
- Oh, hello, Hawkeye.
I see you two have gotten acquainted.
Yeah, Father and I have been talking all night.
- How you doing? - A little better.
You know, Tokyo's a pretty spiffy town.
You don't wanna go there in that outfit.
It looks like it's been slept in.
Uh, Doc, if it's okay with you I'd like to stay here a couple more days with Dan.
Otherwise he's gonna wonder when I went, and I don't want him to worry about me.
No, the sooner the doctors get a look at you, the better.
- Why? - So they can start treating you right away.
- Right away? What for? - There's always a chance.
Who you trying to kid? I don't know much about leukemia, but I know there's no cure.
There are new therapies being developed all the time.
They have a fully equipped hospital.
There are hematologists there who are specialists in this area.
No kind of"ologist" is going to help me.
And Dr.
Hunnicutt himself told me that my being here is helping Dan.
It seems to me I've got a right to do what I want with the time I've got left.
- Look, Gary - Hawkeye, could I have a word with you, please? - Not right now, Father.
- Hawkeye! Excuse me.
Hawkeye, you're a doctor.
I know how difficult it is to admit that there's nothing you can do.
But I think sending that boy to Tokyo now is only going to make you feel better, not him.
Gary's not the only one who's going to have to accept this.
- Father! What are you doing here? - What is it, Corporal? Everybody's waiting for the Sunday service and nobody's there to make the delivery.
Oh, my goodness.
The cardinal.
It completely slipped my mind.
We just got word from Tokyo.
The entire city's all full up.
They said to call back in a couple of days.
There might be an opening.
[Chattering.]
[Chattering Quiets.]
Uh, once again let me say how nice it is to see you all here for this special service honoring His Eminence Cardinal Reardon.
Oh, uh, speaking of services here's our own beloved Father Mulcahy.
Good morning.
Well, uh, here we are.
Uh, it's, uh, Sunday again.
I'm sure you've all come expecting to hear a sermon.
Well, l I have to admit, I'm not as prepared as I'd like to be.
In fact, I'm not even dressed as I'd like to be.
Y-You see l I was working on my sermon which I hoped would be a particularly inspirational one in honor of Cardinal Reardon.
But I was called away and Well, to be honest I never got back to it.
So, uh if you'll just bear with me I'd like to share with you the reason why.
I want to tell you about two men each facing his own crisis.
The first man you know rather well.
The second is a patient here.
Well, the first man thought he was facing a crisis.
But what he was really doing was trying to impress someone.
He was looking for recognition encouragement a pat on the back.
And whenever that recognition seemed threatened he reacted rather childishly.
Blamed everyone for his problems but himself because he was thinking only of himself.
But the second man was confronted by the greatest crisis mortal man can face the loss of his life.
I think you'll agree that the second man had every right to be selfish.
But instead he chose to think not of himself but of a brother a brother.
And when the first man saw the the dignity and the selflessness of the second man he realized how petty and selfish he had [Gasps.]
L l I had been.
It made me see something more clearly than I've ever seen it before.
God didn't put us here for that pat on the back.
He created us so he could be here himself so that he could exist in the lives of those he created in his image.
Well, l I know you didn't come here to listen to me.
L-It gives me great great pleasure to introduce His Eminence Cardinal Reardon.
If I do say so, Father you're a tough act to follow.
It's been a pleasure and an honor, Your Eminence.
Yes, for me too.
My stay here has been very inspirational.
Well, we tried to make your visit as pleasant as possible.
Even had the mess sergeant hold off on the chipped beef until tomorrow.
[Laughing.]
Good-bye, Father, and keep up the good work.
Good-bye, Your Eminence.
And thank you for coming.
- Bless you.
- [Engine Starts.]
- Good-bye, all! - Good-bye, sir! You did it, Padre! Keep it up, and before you know it you'll make monsignor.
[Laughs.]
You're all invited to the Officers Club.
The drinks are on me.