M*A*S*H (MASH) s09e19 Episode Script

[Jets Passing Overhead.]
Guten Morgen, gang.
Well, glad to see we've got a full house.
I'll bet you're all just dying to know why I've called you here.
If it's about that peephole in the nurses' shower, I'm innocent.
And, Klinger, you can have your drill back.
Tasteless, but at least it's not funny.
Take it easy, Margaret.
Everybody needs a hobby.
Could we get on with this, please? Indeed.
We're all in our places with dull, grumpy faces.
Fine, fine.
I'll get right to it.
- He's gonna get to it.
- Huh? It all started this morning when my intrepid mailman Max Klinger, brought me this letter.
- Klinger, who's it from? - The colonel has sworn me to secrecy with real swear words.
Better hurry up, Colonel.
I can't stay awake much longer.
Oh, I think this is gonna open your peepers real wide, Hunnicutt and your ears too, because this here's from Radar.
- Radar! - Oh, how nice! I thought it would be nice if we were all together when we heard what's new with the little lad.
- Well, for starters, he's learned to write.
- Well, read it, Colonel Hold on to your panama, Padre.
Just gotta get my specs.
I'm dying of curiosity.
"Dear Colonel: This is Walter, formerly Radar, O'Reilly writing you "from Ottumwa, Iowa, U.
S.
Of A.
"It's kind of funny being a civilian human again.
"There's no one to give me orders.
Except Mom, of course.
Ha-ha.
" - [All Laughing.]
- Well, he certainly hasn't lost his savage wit.
"Guess what? I'm making the farm a great big success.
"It's gonna be our best year ever, wheat-wise.
"I've got corn coming out of my ears "and I look to make a pretty penny.
I guess you really do reap what you 'sew.
"' [Laughs.]
He spelled it S-E-W.
- [Laughs.]
Of course he did.
- What's wrong with that? [All Laughing.]
"Sir, I really miss you people, but sometimes I get so busy I forget to.
"Then when I remember, I miss you all twice as much.
"And every night I pray for this police action war to get over so you can all come back to the people you love.
" [Clears Throat.]
"Well, I've got to get off this letter and on the tractor "so give my love to Hawkeye and everyone else "even Major Winchester.
- I bet he makes a face when he hears that.
" - [Chuckles.]
"Anyway, no matter how successful I get "I'll always be your Radar.
"Sincerely yours, in long-distance affection Walter O'Reilly, gentleman farmer.
" That's very sweet.
That's very sweet.
Little twerp.
Just when I thought I'd gotten over him.
How about that? Our old buddy's a tycoon in the making.
Indeed.
Today Ottumwa, tomorrow Keokuk.
I think there's a sermon in that letter.
Me too.
Klinger, special-deliver this over to the padre.
Hey, I got a great sermon title for you, Father.
"The Meek Shall Inherit the North Forty.
" Pretty good, huh? Is that pretty good, huh? - Klinger, watch my glasses! - Ooh! - I think they're broke.
- Always jumping to conclusions.
- Well, surely you have another pair.
- You wanna answer him, Klinger? I broke those last week.
- But you gotta admit, Colonel, I really nailed that fly good.
- [Growls.]
We just shared a moment of great warmth.
I think a murder right now would really spoil the mood.
Well, this crack-up was partly my fault.
Damn! I can't do any reading or work around here until I get a new pair.
I know.
That optometrist who goes around to the camps.
Why don't you put in a call to him? Klinger, ring up H.
Q.
And find out where that traveling eye doctor is.
If he's in the neighborhood, get him up here.
If he's not, get him up here! - Hi, good lookin'.
Get sick here often? - Don't you ever run out? - Sir.
- Margaret.
What's with her? All week long, she's been dishing out cold shoulder.
Well, everybody's entitled to be down in the dumps once in a while.
Yeah, and this is Margaret's year.
Wait a minute, Igor.
What's that green stuff? We had roast beef yesterday.
Folks, this is a treat that can't be beat.
Fresh-made coleslaw.
Come on! Nothing's fresh around here.
Even the air's a day old.
- Ohh.
- [Hawkeye Laughs, Moans.]
I don't believe it! Something's not rotten in Korea.
This tastes as good as the slaw Mildred makes back home for picnics.
Ants crawl all the way from Arkansas just to sample it.
- This is incredible.
What's more, it's edible.
- Where'd you get the fixings? Some Korean kid brought it in.
And some radishes and cucumbers too.
Said he owed us a favor.
His name was Park Sing Sang Sung.
! Park Sung.
Remember? Refugee family from up north.
Their village was bombed out in a raid.
Yeah, the grandmother had pneumonia.
We took care of her.
Sounds like a fair deal.
We save her from death.
He saves us from lunch.
Notice how much nicer lunch is when they use real food? Hey, there's the kid with all the cabbage.
- Park Sung! - Hiya.
Oh, hello, Dr.
Hawkeye, Dr.
Sherman, Dr.
B.
J.
- Good to see you, boy.
- Thanks for the vegetables.
I've had it out to here with you.
I am only too glad to make present after you save my grandmother.
- How is she doing now? - She is well.
- We build small hut near here.
- Oh, glad to see you found a place to live.
Yes, we make new life.
I try to grow food, but ground very rocky.
Some things grow good.
Some do not.
American G.
I.
Gave me this to learn to grow things but I do not read English good.
Pretty hard to read anything with those glasses.
Why don't we get that road company optometrist to make him a new pair? Primo brainstorm, Pierce.
Park Sung, you come back here tomorrow morning and we'll fix you up with a new pair of eyeglasses.
Thank you.
You are very good friends.
- This rabbit, he is not well, yes? - Yeah? [Potter.]
Well, old Bugs hasn't touched his food.
From the looks of him, he's too pooped to hop.
Well, we'll take care of him.
How bad off can he be with four rabbit's feet? L- O-P Z-D.
- [Laughs.]
- Those'll do fine.
They look good too.
Very distinguished.
All you need is a briar pipe - and you'll be ready for the lecture circuit.
- Here, son, have a gander.
These are "A" number one.
I can have them? - You bet.
No charge.
- I'll pick up the lenses in Seoul and be back day after tomorrow.
I'll be seeing you then, and you'll be seeing me even better.
Thank you very much.
Now I can go? I want to see if your medicine helps Bugs Rabbit.
Yeah, sure.
Dr.
Herzog, thanks for fixing the boy up.
Oh, no problem.
Oh, the name's Bud.
Actually it's Myron, but I don't like to talk about that.
- Oh, Colonel! You're still here.
- Yep.
- You're all here.
- Until we leave.
What brings you here? Oh, nothing.
Oh Oh, I heard Dr.
Herzog was here, and I wanted to meet him.
Dr.
Herzog, I presume.
I'm Major Houlihan.
- Well, Major, nice to meet you.
- Oh, please, call me Margaret.
- Get her.
- I do believe Margaret's making eyes at the optometrist.
When you're through here, maybe I can show you around.
We'll get better acquainted.
- [Nervous Laughing.]
- I'm afraid you're on your own, Bud.
And seeing as how five's a crowd, let's go, gents.
- I think we should stay and chaperone the kids.
- Out! - You got some I.
D.
, fella? - Out! Out, out! Oh, thank heavens they're gone.
Now then, uh, Bud, was it? Maybe we'd better make that Dr.
Herzog.
"The ad hoc disposition of said dossier to be implemented immediately.
" Ahh, finally something I can understand.
It says "sign here.
" Damn, I can barely see the paper.
- Sherman T - Sherman T I hope I don't run out of paper before I run out of Potter.
I'm warning you, if you break the glasses I'm getting tomorrow you'd better grab a jeep and head out.
And floor it! Because when I'm teed off, I'm fast on my feet.
The colonel obviously doesn't need glasses to read me the riot act.
Just read me the letter from Mildred.
Sir, this is personal.
Maybe this should wait until you can read it yourself.
Balderdash.
It might be important.
Read it.
Yes, sir.
"Dear Puddin' Head" Puddin' Head? - Yeah! - Good name, sir.
"I sure do miss your cuddly toes and the sweet way you whistle when you snore.
" On second thought, this can wait till the new specs arrive.
And if you know what's good for you, you'll keep my cuddly toes to yourself.
Word of honor, Colonel Puddin' Head.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
All you do is "Uh-huh.
" What's the verdict? Relax, Major.
You don't need glasses.
I don't? Oh, that's wonderful! I'm pretty sure that your vision is blurred because of a simple allergy.
Now, you take these drops for just a few days.
- You oughta be fine.
- What a relief.
Oh, I've been so edgy about this.
Does this mean that our whirlwind courtship is over? Oh, I'm sorry I had to seem so forward before.
I just wanted to throw them off the track.
My eye problems are nobody else's business.
Well, I must admit I was very flattered but, uh, I was even more petrified.
[Laughs.]
All's well that ends well.
- Oh, it's great to know my eyes are still 20/20.
- I never said that.
In fact, one of these days you may need glasses.
- But that's only natural.
- Oh.
[Man On P.
A.
.]
Attention all personnel.
! We've got wounded in triage.
I think you're being paged.
I think you're being paged.
- Thanks.
- She's at it again.
All civilians, Colonel.
Their village was mortared.
- What's this? - Leg wound.
You know, every once in a while I get the idea that war is not a nice thing.
But then it passes, and I'm my normal, depressed self again.
[Kellye.]
Hawkeye, over here.
Oh, God.
- How's he doing? - Okay.
Just cuts and bruises.
I've come home from dates in worse shape than you.
Considering the rough neighborhood you live in, you're pretty lucky.
I do not feel lucky.
Every time we move soldiers come and destroy all we have.
- Are your grandparents okay? - I do not know.
When we hear soldiers are coming family moves farther south.
I stay to save my land.
But I could not.
- What are you gonna do? - I do not know.
Well, for now, how about some rest, okay? Okay.
- [Sighs.]
Some life, huh? - Mm.
With a little luck, he could have it as good as Oliver Twist.
To top it off, we've got wounded coming.
He can't stay here.
## [Classical.]
Here we go.
Right this way.
Here it is.
Nice, huh? Gentlemen, I do not know what is going on here but I do know that I do not like it.
Oh, excuse us, Charles.
Want you to meet your new roomie, roomie.
- Let me show you the north wing.
Right here.
- Oh, my God.
Gentlemen, may I speak with you for just the briefest of moments? In the master suite.
Excuse us.
- Something wrong, Charles? - Ah, not for long.
May I remind you with overmuch emphasis that I am one-third owner of this wretched domicile and its ranking resident.
I absolutely forbid you to use my quarters as the Ouijongbu "Y.
" Oh, come on, Charles.
Open your heart and dust it.
Park Sung has no place to go.
It's only for a few days until he figures out what to do.
You don't understand.
I'm a doctor! I'm not a social worker.
This could set a most unpleasant precedent and I have little enough privacy as it is.
- [Springs Squeaking.]
- This is number one bed.
You are all my best friends.
Dr.
Hawkeye, Dr.
B.
J.
What is your name, sir? Dr.
Charles Emerson Winchester III.
Thank you to let me stay, Dr.
Third.
Uh, yeah, you don't understand.
See, they had no right I will work for you.
Make beds, sweep.
I will be like houseboy.
- Houseboy, eh? - I will do everything.
Even plant garden to make number one fresh food.
Oh, you must be the keeper of the coleslaw.
Gentlemen, perhaps I've been a bit, uh, rash in my decision.
The boy is willing to work, and he's obviously down on his luck.
- I'm filled with compassion.
- And soon with fresh vegetables.
Oh, no.
Nothing Nothing strenuous.
Perhaps you could start with the boots here.
That's our Dr.
Third.
[Reading Together.]
"Most important is to properly condition the soil providing moisture and fertilizer.
" Fertilizer? What is that? Well, you know, it's it's, uh, fertilizer.
Good for the soil.
[Blows Raspberry.]
Bad for the nose.
- Ahh, fertilizer.
- That's it.
Congratulations.
You both passed the reading test.
And, Colonel, you passed the diplomacy test.
I can see to read very good.
I can go now? Dr.
Hawkeye, Dr.
B.
J.
Help me make garden.
- I must check up.
- Good idea.
When you hire people by the hour, you gotta watch 'em.
There's only one person I'd do this much work for me.
Well, at least the fruits of our labors will be fresh vegetables.
Howdy, rubes.
Nothing like a relaxing day in the sun, eh? Uh, perseverance, boys.
Don't let that victory garden defeat you.
Oh, fellas, I'll see you later.
- Please, please, you do wrong.
- What? Huh? Must condition with moisture, then fertilize.
Oh, look who's creeping into Margaret's tent.
- Oh! - Hey, Margaret.
- Long time no see.
- Don't ever say that to an optometrist.
[Laughs.]
So sit down.
- Have a cup of tea.
- Ah, fine.
I'm leaving again in the morning.
- Ah.
- I want to make sure those drops are helping.
Oh, they are.
They are.
My eyes are clearing up already.
- I'd better take a peek.
- [Groans.]
Come on.
- Ah, much, much better.
- See? You'll be fine in a couple more days.
Good as new.
- Oh, well, I doubt that.
- What do you mean? Well, unless my memory is also failing, you told me one day I would need glasses.
All I said was that your vision isn't 20/20.
But it's nothing to worry about.
It's not the end of the world.
Is it? Well, it means that I'm changing, and not for the better.
Margaret, there are kids who need glasses.
- But I'm no kid.
- Well, who is? Who wants to be? I mean, even with your imperfect eyes I'll bet you see life a lot more clearly than you did when you were a teenager.
Oh, well, I sure hope so.
You know, you don't get to be a high-ranking officer to run an O.
R.
, to command respect unless you've earned it.
And that doesn't happen overnight.
You've got a lot to show for your life so far.
I think you should feel good about it.
Well, you know, you're right.
I do.
Of course you do.
And besides, Major even if you don't see like a kid anymore as far as I'm concerned, you still look like one.
Oh, Bud, you're a very nice man.
[Laughs.]
It's my only fault.
You're not drinking your tea.
Well, actually, tea's not my cup of tea.
Perfect.
After dinner, we'll make Hunnicutt and Pierce really crazy and we'll go to the Officers Club and have a drink; I'll buy.
[Laughs, Mumbles.]
[Indistinct.]
- Excuse me.
- Margaret, you gotta settle a bet between me and B.
J.
- Oh? - He says there's nothing going on between you and Bud.
On the other hand, I say there's nothing going on between you and Bud.
- So come on.
Which of us is right? - That is my personal affair.
- Oh-ho! - Business.
I mean business.
And I intend to keep it that way.
- You sure saw me coming.
- Ah, next time I'll know better.
Uh, if you fellas will excuse me, I'm gonna turn in.
- You must be exhausted.
- I'll say my good-byes in the morning.
It's awfully dark out there, Bud.
Why don't I walk you to your tent.
- I'd be delighted.
- Why are you taking the pretzels? Because I don't smoke.
- Double or nothing.
- You got it.
And I really must say how impressed I was by the compassion you've shown in letting that poor boy stay with you.
Well, one does what one can.
Cognac for me, please.
Uh, beer for me, please.
In a world in which most people are incapable of seeing beyond their own self-interests you, Major, showed yourself a true humanitarian.
- [Chuckles.]
- My goodness, your boots certainly are shiny tonight.
[Nervous Laughing.]
Ah, it's the way the light's, uh, hitting them.
Oh, it's Colonel Potter.
Join us, will you, Colonel, please? Be glad to.
Klinger, boys, come on over here.
- The drinks are on me.
- [All Cheering.]
Klinger, now that I've got my specs I'm officially no longer angry at you.
Don't worry, sir.
You treated me better than I deserved.
You're a prince among colonels.
Well, I learned my lesson with Radar.
When I first got here, the boy broke my trusty pocket watch.
I chewed him out something fierce.
Poor fellow felt so bad, he ran into my office every 15 minutes to tell me the time.
Almost drove me cuckoo.
Especially at 4:00 in the morning.
- [Laughing.]
- He was quite a guy.
I sure miss him.
Yeah, I realized that too after we got that letter.
I can almost see Radar now, with those Coke-bottle glasses, drinking his grape Nehi.
It's enough to make you want to cry in your root beer.
Walter O'Reilly decent, gentle innocent as a lamb, twice as cuddly.
Actually, you know, I never thought I'd miss old Radar.
I was right, of course.
Oh, pipe down, snooty face.
He was terrific.
Wait a minute.
Why are we all sitting here talking about Radar in the past? Because in the present, he's 10,000-odd miles away.
Yeah, but right now he's alive and wealthy in Iowa.
I move we all move over to Col.
Potter's office and make a person-to-person phone call.
Or a person-to-little-person phone call.
- What time is it in Iowa? - 1882.
Hello? Who is this? - The operator in Ottumwa, Iowa? - Ottumwa! - [All Shouting.]
- Hello? How's the weather back there these days? Give me that squawker.
How do, ma'am? I'm calling from Korea.
Yes, modern technology is wonderful.
Now then, I'm trying to get ahold of one Walter O'Reilly.
[Chuckles.]
Right, Edna's boy.
- Appreciate it.
She's ringing.
- Oh, good Don't get your jodhpurs in an uproar.
I'll let all of you have a word with the boy.
Do you think he has a chauffeur-driven tractor? Hello, Radar, you old son of a gun! I'd recognize your voice anywhere.
Oh, Mrs.
O'Reilly.
- [Laughing.]
- This is Colonel Potter, Radar uh, Walter's old boss in Korea.
Yes, ma'am, technology's just terrific.
So tell me, could I speak to him? Oh, he ain't? Oh, sure.
I should've known he'd be hard at work out in the fields.
[Laughs.]
Really? I see.
What is it? Uh-huh.
Sure, I understand.
Well, you tell him we all send him our love and I hope everything works out okay.
Hope what works out okay? Well, it seems Radar was exaggerating a mite in his letter.
He was embarrassed to say that things aren't goin' all that good for him.
- Matter of fact, they're real rough.
- What's the matter? - Crops are bad, and they can't afford help.
- Damn.
Had to take an evening job in the general store to pay the mortgage.
That's after workin' all day on the farm.
- Poor Radar.
- What a shame.
Considering what dire straits he's in, why don't we, uh, lend him some money? No, he'd never accept it.
Park Sung! What are you doing up so late? Bugs He is sick.
I stay, try to help, but he need real doctor.
Here, let me have a look at him.
Why everyone look so sad? It's a long story.
A friend of ours is having a problem Aha! The strangest thought just crossed my mind.
You're not thinking what I think you're thinking? - I think I'm thinking it too.
- Aha! Aha! - What's all the aha-ing? - Radar needs help but can't afford to pay for it.
Park Sung is a farming whiz and needs a place to live and learn.
- Aha! - All we'd have to do is get Radar to sponsor him.
Come to think of it, even I would be happier in Iowa than here.
Park Sung, how would you like to live on a farm in the States? - And you could go to school.
- There is no war there? - Just land and animals.
- And a terrific boss who's just about your size.
That is best number "A" one.
- Klinger? - I'm ringing Ottumwa already, sir.
And Bugs He will be all right? He'll be just fine, and he'll have plenty of company.
Bugs is gonna be a mother.
[All Laughing.]
# For he's a jolly good fellow # # For he's a jolly good fellow # # For he's a jolly good fellow # #Which nobody can deny ## Speech! Speech! Speech! Speech! I do not know what to say.
Except thank you.
Thank you all.
- That's perfect.
- [Mulcahy Laughs.]
Now then, Park Sung, before we cut the coleslaw cake we've got a little aloha present for you.
- Hunnicutt, Pierce.
- Park Sung, you are about to journey to the land of the free and the home of the Boston Braves.
So we've provided you with a few necessities, such as A Korean/ American dictionary, in case you want to have words with someone.
- [All Laughing.]
- Also a pair of work boots.
In farm country, always remember to look before you step.
And last but least, what every farmer needs besides a daughter a straw hat! - [All Cheering.]
- Now you can bale hay while the sun shines.
- [Laughs.]
- This is How you say? - Terrific.
- [All Laughing.]