The Simpsons s09e19 Episode Script

##[Chorus Singing.]
[Bell Ringing.]
[Tires Screeching.]
D'oh! [Screams.]
##[TVTheme.]
Homer Simpson! You stand accused of eating half the population of the Planet of the Doughnuts.
[Doughnuts.]
Yeah! As Homer's defense attorney, I feel we should be merci- - [Chomping.]
- Hey! - Did you just take a bite out of me? - Um, maybe.
I sentence you to death! [Growling.]
Um! Homer! - [Swallowing, Chewing.]
- [Snoring.]
- Homer! Wake up! - [Grunting.]
- Time for our coffee break.
- Hmm? Yeah.
I earned it.
Mm, doughnuts.
[Slobbering.]
Wow, there's only one doughnut left.
Yeah, ya drooled all over it, ya- Gentlemen, there's only one solution.
We place this last doughnut in the reactor core exposing it to radiation, thereby making it big! Yeah, it worked on my hand! Oh, wait.
It's this hand.
Whoa! [Humming, Throbbing.]
Uh, sir, we found the problem.
Some idiot threw this in the reactor core.
- Success! - You did this? - How could you be so irresponsible? - l-It's my first day.
Since I've never seen you before, maybe it is your first day.
- Very well.
Carry on.
- Uh, sir, that's Homer Simpson.
And he's been working here for 10 years.
Oh, really! Why did you think you could lie to me? - It's my first day.
- [Chuckling.]
Well, why didn't you sa- Oh, whoo! You're fired! Oh, fired.
I can't believe it.
- [TVClicks On.]
- [Man.]
Next, on Exploitation Theater- Blacula, followed by Blackenstein and the Blunchblack of Blotre Blame.
- Whoo! Funky.
- But first, this word.
[Male Narrator.]
Daybreak: Djakarta.
The proud men and women of the navy are fighting for freedom.
But you're in Lubbock, Texas, hosing the stains off a monument.
You're in the naval reserve: America's 17 th line of defense between the Mississippi National Guard and the League of Women Voters.
After basic training, you'll only have to work one weekend a month.
And most of that time, you're drunk off your ass.
You know, Lisa, I've taken a lot from this country.
Maybe it's time I gave something back.
Are you thinking of joining the naval reserve? - Would you be proud of me? - Yeah, sort of.
Then I'll do it! Just fill out this form, and you're on your way to the reserve.
There's a question that's crossed out.
Well, due to a recent presidential order we're not allowed to ask that particular question.
Oh, I think I can make it out.
"Are you a homosex-" Oh, for God's sake, don't answer that.
I could go to jail.
- But I'm not a ho- - ## [Singsong.]
[Continues Singsong.]
I am not listening! Nice fella.
I wonder if he's gay.
Homey, I really don't think this navy thing is a good idea.
- What if you get called into combat? - Not to worry, honey.
We live in a highly technological age where fighting a war is as simple as turning off a light.
[Clapping.]
We don't have a Clapper.
[Speaking Loud.]
Sorry, I can't hear you, Marge.
I'm clapping.
[Clapping Continues.]
[Homer.]
Nighty-night.
Well, guys, I won't be seeir ya for a while.
- Where are you goir? - I've joined the naval reserve.
Well, I'm not gonna let anything happen to my best friend.
I'm joinir too! Well, I'm not gonna let anything happen to my two best customers.
I'm joinir too! And although my religion strictly forbids military service- What the hey! I'm in too! Gee, thanks, guys.
This is just like The Deer Hunter.
The Deer Hunter? Uh, huh-That reminds me.
[Rapid Footsteps.]
Didi mah! Didi mah! I'm sorry, guys.
We're shuttir down for a while.
Sorry.
- See ya in a week! - Good luck, Dad.
Although I'm morally opposed to the military-industrial complex of which you are now a part.
Aw, that's sweet, honey.
I'll bring you back a hat.
Hey, Homer.
Bring me back a torpedo.
- No! - But Flanders got his kids torpedoes! Oh, he did, did he? I'll show him! I'll bring you a weapon of unimaginable destructive power! - Homer! - But only if you're good.
Even if you're not.
[Kissing Sound.]
##[Band Rlaying.]
All right, you thumb-sucking worms let's get one thing straight: your mamas ain't here to help ya.
- Mine is! - [Belches.]
[Razors Buzzing.]
No way, man.
My hair is who I am! Ow, I'm a freak! - What the- - [Suggestive Moaning.]
Tuck in that shirt.
Shine those shoes, mister.
- Oh, for the love of- - Uh, a seagull took my sailor hat.
All right, Simpson.
I don't like you, and you don't like me.
- I like you.
- Um, all right.
You like me, but I don't like you.
- Maybe you would like me if you got to know me.
- What are you, a comedian? [Chuckles.]
Well, I'm no Margaret Cho but I do a pretty fair Columbo impression.
[Imitating Peter Falk As Columbo.]
Uh, one more thi- [Coughs.]
One- [Clears Throat.]
- [As Himself.]
I should get a glass of water.
- [Growls.]
There.
The perfect sheepshank.
Very nice, Simpson.
But next time, tie the other end to the ship! - [People Screaming.]
- No! [Quick March.]
Congratulations, sailors.
You're all in the naval reserve.
Yea! [Speaking With French Accent.]
Congratulations! You are all pastry chefs! - Yea! - [With German Accent.]
Congratulations.
You are all World War I historical re-creationists.
- [Graduates.]
Yea! - [Men On Podium.]
Uh-oh.
Hey, Bart.
Check out my new earring.
Pretty cool, huh? Milhouse, my mom wears earrings.
- Do you think she's cool? - No! I think she's hot! Sorry.
It just slipped out.
[Chattering, Chattering Stops.]
Hey, look! Milhouse has an earring! [Chanting.]
Milhouse! Milhouse! Milhouse! Hey, if you want cool, check this out.
[Singing.]
[Grunts.]
[Continues.]
[Grunts.]
[Ends.]
That is so 1991.
Young man, the school dress code specifically forbids the wearing of earrings unless you're of Gypsy extraction.
- Well, I'm a Gypsy.
- [Chuckles.]
Oh, really? Prove it.
Well- [Imitating Dracula.]
"I 'vant' to suck your blood!" Nuh-uh.
That's a vampire.
But, uh, they're also covered.
Carry on.
Request permission to come aboard.
Permission granted.
[Giggles.]
- ## [Imitating Bugle Call.]
Marge! - Whoa! I lost this eye in Haiti.
I was drinkir a mai tai and I forgot to take the little parasol out.
Ah, that's not a war story! I'll tell ya a war story! I was on P.
T.
109 with John F.
Kennedy.
I was the first to discover his terrible secret.
- Ich bin ein Berliner.
- [Gasps.]
He's a Nazi! Get 'im! ##[Orchestra.]
And another thing: when people come up to me and say, "Hey, little buddy.
" And hit me over the head with a hat? That's not funny.
That hurts! [Laughing.]
- Stop laughing at me! - You know, Marge? Joining the reserves was the best thing I ever did.
I feel good about myself, I'm helping my country and later, I'm gonna get Gilligars autograph.
I'm so proud of you, Homie.
Then I'll whomp him with my hat! [Laughing.]
- Can I help you? - I'd like to get my ear pierced.
Well, better make it quick, kiddo.
In five minutes, this place is becoming a Starbucks.
Hello, everybody! Sparkle, sparkle.
- Bart! - An earring.
How rebellious.
In a conformist sort of way.
What on earth possessed you to get an earring? - Milhouse has one.
- If Milhouse jumped off a cliff- Milhouse jumped off a cliff? I'm there.
Get back here, boy.
You're a disgrace to this family - and its proud naval tradition.
- Well, I'm keeping this earring and you can't stop me! Oh.
I always thought Lisa would be the one to get her ears pierced.
- Can I? - No! Time to reap the benefits of beir cool.
- [Gasps.]
- [Chattering.]
I don't believe this.
Everyone's got an earring.
My neck hurts, and my ear hurts.
I have two owies.
Next weekend, we're having our annual war games.
Now, Simpson, because of your many years as a nuclear technician - we're putting you on a nuclear sub.
- "Nuc-u-lar"! It's pronounced, "nuc-u-lar.
" - Oh, whatever.
- "Nuc-u-lar.
" [Chattering.]
- Be careful, Dad.
- Oh, Lisa.
It's just war games.
It's not like a game could hurt me.
Damn you, "Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots.
" Can't we all just get along? Are you sure you'll be okay? We have orders not to fire on anybody but Greenpeace.
[Smooching Sound.]
Well, I guess that's everyone.
- Except Earring Boy.
- Come on, Dad.
Didrt you ever do anything wild when you were a kid? Well, when I was 10, I got my ear pierced.
But this is completely different! Fine.
Take it.
Attention on deck! Captain Tennille wishes to address you.
[Clears Throat.]
I'm a man of few words.
Any questions? Uh, is the poop deck really what I think it is? [Laughing.]
I like the cut of your jib.
- What's a jib? - [Laughs.]
Promote that man.
The navy has a fine sense of tradition.
Whenever an American vessel leaves port the crew sings this ancient sea chanty: A'one, a'two, a'three- - A 'four- - ## ['70s Pop Tune.]
##[Continues.]
##[Vocals End.]
##[Instrumental.]
##[Ends.]
- [Motor Revving.]
- [Whale Singing.]
[Singing Continues.]
Ya hear that? The whales are hungry.
- [Imitating Whale.]
- Homer, join us.
[Imitating Whale.]
Thank you.
Tell me, young man.
What do you want out of life? - I want peas.
- [Chuckles.]
We all want peace! But it's always just out of reach.
- Oh! Uh-huh.
- So, what's the best way to get peace? - With a knife! - Exactly! Not with the olive branch, but the bayonet.
[Chuckling.]
Oh, Simpson! You're like the son I never had.
And you're like the father I never visit.
Sir! I was running a diagnostic and there was an obstruction in torpedo tube number one.
I'll take care of it.
[Sipping.]
[Groans.]
What the hell.
Simpson! - While I'm gone, you're in command.
- Me? - Him? - Yes.
Maybe it's the salt water in my veins or the nitrogen bubbles in my brain but I've taken a real shine to you.
Seaman, open that torpedo tube.
You'll never get a response talking to my son like that.
- You gotta poke 'im with a stick.
- [Moaning.]
I don't want to go to school today! [Snores.]
Oh, for God's sake! Contraband! Whoo, comfy.
Homer, we got an enemy sub, closing in fast.
- What do we do? - I don't know.
Fifteen seconds to collision.
We need a decision.
Hmm.
What would the captain say in my spot? - Don't fire the torpedoes! - Fire the torpedoes! [Captain Groaning.]
- We've been hit by an officer! - If they're gonna fire on us we'll respond in kind! Fire! Not me, a torpedo! - [Rapid Beeping.]
- We're losir power! - [Engines Slowing.]
- We're losir backup power! We're down to mood lightir here.
##[Instrumental: Bossa Nova.]
- [Engines Come Back On.]
- ##[Stops.]
All right, all right.
Mellow out, everybody.
The captairll know what to do.
You just shot the captain out of the torpedo tube.
You just shot the captain out of the torpedo tube.
- [Screaming.]
- That means you're in charge, Homer.
- I am? - [Sighs.]
Those were the orders.
Very well, then.
I'm a captain.
Mr.
Moe, steady as she goes.
Aye, aye, ya big dummy.
[Sighs.]
What a dummy.
Damage report, Mr.
Moe.
Sonar, out.
Navigation, out.
- Radio, out.
- Enough of what's out.
What's in? Ice-blended mocha drinks and David Schwimmer.
Yes, he is handsome in an ugly sort of way.
Captain, how are we supposed to get home with no equipment? Don't worry.
I've been workir on it.
Mm, yes! Uh-huh.
Carry the two- All right.
I can't waste any more time.
People's lives are depending on me.
- Mr.
Sulu, make a left! - Aye, aye, Captain.
Setting course for Rigel Seven.
I mean home.
[Chuckles.]
[Homer.]
That's it.
Left.
Left.
Steady as she goes- On second thought, go right.
- [Metal Clanging.]
- [Homer.]
D'oh! Well, sir, "treason season" started early this year as a nuclear sub was hijacked by local man Homer Simpson.
Oh, my God! I told him that photo would come back to haunt him.
Could Homer Simpson be a Communist? His father spoke out on his behalf.
My Homer is not a Communist.
He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a Communist- But he is not a porn star! It's over there.
The Soviet Union will be pleased to offer amnesty to your wayward "wessel.
" The Soviet Union? I thought you guys broke up.
[Laughing.]
Yes! That's what we wanted you to think! [Laughing Evilly.]
[Chorus, Russian.]
- [Screaming.]
- [Growling.]
Must crush capitalism.
[Growling.]
[Rrincipal.]
Children, I'll be frank.
In the event of nuclear war, we can only save our best and brightest.
Therefore, space in the fallout shelter will be reserved for Lisa Simpson, Martin Rrince, our championship kickball team and Sherri, but not Terri.
Ha-ha! Captain, the renegade sub is directly below us.
Drop the depth charges.
We'll either destroy it, or force it to surface.
Oh, my God! We're all gonna die! - [Intercom Sounding.]
- Y'ello? Mayday, Mayday! The engine room has sprung a leak.
It's filling up with a clear, nonalcoholic liquid.
- You mean, water? - Yeah, that's it.
We got a pinole leak and there's no way to plug it.
I guess that's it.
Ladies and gentlemen we're in a tough spot, and I don't know if we're gonna get out.
Please remain calm, and think of your loved ones.
[Baby Talking.]
Oh, Mr.
Snookums.
Oh, I "wuv" you so- What are you lookir at? Hey, this stupid machine took my money! [Kissing Sound.]
Don't ever change.
- Sparkle, sparkle.
- Bart! - Pinole leak! - Dad? The earring could plug the hole.
I'll plug your hole! I mean, eureka! [Cheering.]
- You saved us, Homer.
- Mr.
Moe? Prepare to surface.
- You wanna stop callir me Mr.
Moe? - No.
Attention, Homer Simpson.
You have - before we open fire! - Uh, it's my first day! - [All Laughing.]
- [Speaking Spanish.]
- [Laughing.]
- [Speaking Chinese.]
- [Laughing.]
- Quack, quack, quack.
[Chittering.]
Seaman Simpson, your actions have given the Navy a black eye from which it may never recover.
I would throw the book at you, but I've been indicted in the Tailhook scandal.
- Good-bye.
- I, too, would punish you but I'm under indictment for accepting bribes from military contractors.
Um, I torpedoed a Carnival Cruise ship.
Impersonating the first lady.
- I think you're off the hook.
- Whoo-hoo! A dishonorable discharge.
That's the best we could have hoped for.
You can't spell "dishonorable" without "honorable.
" I think you're a hero, Dad.
Well, I couldn't have done it without Bart.
Boy, I guess I was wrong about that earring.
It saved us all.
Then can I get a tattoo that says, "Bite me"? You never know when it might come in handy.
- I don't think so, Son.
- A king cobra? - No.
- Weapons-grade plutonium? - Ask your mother.
- Knockout drops? - No.
- Ninja death stars? Maybe for Christmas.
- [Murmuring.]
- Shh!