Two and a Half Men s09e19 Episode Script

I miss you, too, but what are you doing up? Isn't it, like, 3:00 in the morning in London? Yeah, I've been having trouble sleeping, too.
Alan suggested warm milk and masturbation, but that's his answer for pretty much everything.
No, don't worry.
He's not gonna live here forever.
More importantly, uh, when are you coming back? Ugh! Really, another week? All right, that settles it.
I'm gonna heat up some milk.
Okay, all right.
Try to get some sleep.
I love you.
No, I love you more.
No, uh-uh, I love you more.
You got a problem with love? Uh-uh.
No, no.
Sorry.
Oh, it's Jake and his friend.
No, he's not gonna stay here forever, either.
All right, bye-bye.
Sweet dreams.
Sorry, we'll get out of your way.
Nah, that's okay.
What are you guys doing? Well, we were gonna play a video game on the big screen, but if you're busy No, no, come on.
Nice.
Awesome.
Where's your dad? Oh, he's out with this guy's mom.
Yeah, they're picking my grandma up at the International House of Old People.
I-Hoop.
She's in a rest home? I guess they're resting.
They don't move very much.
Oh, except on pudding day.
Uh, then you could get trampled.
Wow.
Your dad's meeting his girlfriend's mother.
That's a big step.
What's bigger than boning each other? Shut up! Come on.
We both know they're doing it.
- We've heard them.
- Dude! Oh, Alan! Oh, Lyndsey! Okay, quit it, or I'm leaving.
Okay, fine.
And I'm taking my game.
I apologize.
Accepted.
It's nice you guys have a sense of humor about that stuff.
So many kids of divorce are, like, so angry all the time.
Yeah, well, it's kind of hard to stay angry when you smoke as much pot as we do.
Truth.
When my dad left, I was, like, really angry.
What did you do? Just channeled my energy into learning how to program computers.
Made my first million by the time I was 20.
- Oh, that's our plan, too.
- Totally.
Really? What language do you guys code in? Java? Perl? C-Plus-Plus? Um Okay, maybe not a million.
Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men Ah.
Men.
You're in a good mood.
I am.
Looking forward to seeing your mother? Not at all.
I'm high as a kite.
If I'm looking forward to anything, it's for that second muscle relaxer to kick in.
I hear you.
Unfortunately, I can't do that with my mom.
I have to stay alert.
Dinner with her is like being trapped in a box with a snake.
My mom's more like a hamster.
They seem cuddly, but they eat their young.
Can't wait to meet her.
Oh, you'll love her.
Everybody loves her.
She's sweet, shy and charming.
Unless you happened to come out of her uterus, then you're part of a balanced breakfast.
That bad, huh? Yeah, and it's gotten worse since my dad died.
Oh, she must have loved him very much.
Nah, hated his guts.
She tried to kill him once.
You're kidding.
Yeah, they were playing golf.
He gave her a swing tip.
She hit him on the head with a pitching wedge.
A-a pitching wedge? It was the right club.
They were about 90 yards out.
Anyway, when he finally died years later, she decided he was the love of her life, moved into a retirement community, and put a "gone fishing sign" on her hoo-ha.
Okay, guess I shouldn't mention golf during dinner.
Mm.
Or fishing.
Yeah.
You might also want to stay away from politics, religion or The Price Is Right.
The Price Is Right? She misses Bob Barker.
Hates Drew Carey.
Oh, really? I think he's a wonderful breath of fresh air.
Do not say that.
Men.
See, he's right behind you! Ah! He's right behind you! Move! Move! Duck! Ah, ah, don't worry, Junior.
I got this! Aah, crap.
Watch and learn.
Man, I used to be a lot better at this.
I guess I'm just out of practice.
That's 'cause you got a girlfriend now.
Yeah.
Your thumbs have gotten weak.
That's why I choose to be a bachelor.
Yeah, that's why.
So, what's the deal with you and Zoey? Are you gonna marry her? I don't know.
I mean, I love her and all, but I just got out of a marriage.
Do I really want to be back in one? Hell, yeah.
She's hot.
It's not about how hot she is.
Oh, thank you, Jake.
It's about whether she stays hot.
I mean, plus, there's some serious stuff to consider.
She has a daughter, so I'd be a stepdad.
My stepdad's a pretty cool guy.
I mean, he's always slipping me money.
I think he feels bad about replacing my dad.
Or about banging your mom.
Shut up! Mm, doesn't feel so good, does it? That's what your mom said.
All right, can we please talk about something other than sex? Yes.
Okay.
But for the record, I'm not a virgin.
Good to know.
Neither am I.
At least I think I'm not.
It was dark.
Could have been just leg.
But that still counts.
No, it doesn't.
Right? Listen, if he thinks he got laid, what difference does it make? Thank you.
Men.
Mom, this is Alan.
Alan, this is my mom Jean.
Hi.
Nice to meet you.
How are you? Uh, good, good.
Although I-I got to admit, I'm-I'm a little nervous.
You know, I hope Mom likes me, you know? Relax, Alan.
When it comes to men, Lyndsey has never set the bar very high.
What's that supposed to mean? I'm just saying that you've always gone for quantity over quality.
It's a choice.
I'm not judging.
Oh.
Come on, muscle relaxers.
So, Alan, do you have children? Uh, I do.
I have a son.
Mm.
That's good, 'cause even if Lyndsey could bear another child, I'm not sure that would be the smartest move.
Mom! Tell the truth.
Do you want another one like Eldridge? Let's just change the subject.
Does anybody want another Eldridge? How are things at Sunset Village? Same old, same old.
Well, actually, some of the same old died, so we got some new old.
Oh, th's awful.
Not really.
If you get to their condo before the relatives, you can score some great stuff.
Oh, Mom, you're not saying How do you think I got this lovely sweater? It certainly wasn't a Mother's Day gift.
Well, uh, if it comes up, I'm a 40 regular.
So, Mom, do you want to do anything special this weekend? I'll be happy doing whatever you want.
Oh, well, I-I thought maybe tomorrow we could have lunch at the Santa Monica Pier, then go for a walk on the beach.
Oh, okay.
We don't have to.
No, that's fine.
I'm not afraid of homeless people.
You know, your daughter's a good lady.
You did a great job with her, Jean.
Thanks.
But it was touch and go for a while.
She told you about her show business career, right? Seriously, Mom? Really? What? It was a very nice movie-- if you like pornography.
Okay, I-I saw it, and-and it wasn't pornography.
Well, it wasn't Mary Poppins.
So, you guys graduate this year, right? I do.
I do, too.
Well, that's what you said last year.
Yeah, but now, they're one more year sicker of me.
So what are you gonna do now? Well, we were hoping we could work for you.
Doing what? We'd be, like, consultants.
And what would you be consulting about? Well, that would be our first consultation.
How about this? We could tell you what kids these days are into and then develop killer apps to target that geographic.
Demographic.
No, Republican kids, too.
Mm.
All right, Consultants, tell me some of your app ideas.
Okay, well, you know, uh, when you take a picture of your junk and send it to a girl? Um no.
But I understand the concept.
Okay, okay, well, this app makes your junk look bigger.
And you can customize it.
You can customize your junk? Yeah, you know, like silly hats, glasses, little messages.
"Wish you were here.
" Get it? Get it? Yeah, I get it.
So, it's like Photoshop, but for your junk.
We call it Junkshop.
It's a good name.
What do you do if you already got big junk? Oh, way ahead of you.
Tell him about Boobshop.
All right, you know how girls always complain about one boob being bigger than the other? Oh, thank God, she's asleep.
I don't think I can last four days.
Every word out of her mouth pushes my buttons.
Yeah, I saw.
She's like a ninja mom.
She sneaks in, destroys your will to live, and then, disappears without a trace.
So I'm not crazy? Oh, no, not at all.
Oh.
In fact, it kind of makes me grateful for my mom.
What do you mean? Well, there's no sneaking and stabbing in the back.
She just walks right up to you, and hits you in the face with a lead pipe.
I wonder what would happen if we put them in the same room together.
Uh.
Momageddon.
Although it wouldn't be the worst idea in the world.
What?! Well, think about it.
They're around the same age, they're single, they're both deeply disappointed in their children and their children's children.
They might hit it off.
And if they did, it might give us a break.
You know what? Tell you what-- I will call my mom and try to set up a dinner.
Oh, Alan, that would be wonderful.
Mm.
I owe you one.
You still owe me one from my birthday.
Well if she wasn't here, I'd be steering this car with the back of my head right now.
Looks like she's sleeping pretty good.
Oh, what the hell? Scoot your seat back.
Yay! Men.
Hey, what you doing? Absolutely nothing.
I'm bored out of my mind.
Oh, well, Lyndsey and I are having dinner with our moms.
You're welcome to join us.
A two-mom dinner? You can say no.
No.
God, no.
I get you.
I don't want to go, either.
Why are you doing it? Are you thinking about getting married? Um, to answer your questions in reverse order: not at the moment and oral sex.
Night.
Oral sex.
Time to warm up the old milk.
Oh, great, Amy.
We'll be there.
What's going on? Just got invited to a slammin' party in the Valley.
Cool.
Can we borrow your car? Uh, all right, let me think.
Two potheads want to borrow my $100,000 car to go to a slammin' party in the Valley.
Sounds like a no.
Wait, wait, wait.
Let's hear him out.
It's a no! I'll give you guys a ride.
- Oh, sweet.
- Thanks.
What you got going on with the water? Oh, we had another idea for an app.
Let me guess-- Sinkshop.
Oh, no, no.
Okay, imagine the app is on my phone.
- All right.
- Go ahead.
Now, all I do is press this button, and our app will tell you exactly how long you can hold your breath underwater.
That's clever.
Thanks.
How is it different than the stopwatch that's already on your phone? The what? See this little clock? Oh.
Damn.
How long? So this is nice, huh? Lovely.
I can't remember how long it's been since the last time you called me to have dinner.
Oh, come on.
It hasn't been that long.
Oh, please.
Jake was still cute.
Guess it has been awhile.
So what's up with this dinner? Why are you finally allowing me to meet your girlfriend? First of all, I wasn't disallowing you from meeting her; I was just, uh avoiding it as long as possible.
Uh, but things are more serious between us now, and I thought it might be nice for you two to get to know each other.
- All right.
- And her mother might come along.
Her mother? Yeah, she's, uh, in town visiting.
I thought you two might hit it off.
Alan, you know I don't like old people.
I do know, but you'll like her.
She's young at heart, like you.
I'm young everywhere-- all the parts.
Sure.
What I haven't replaced, I've had tightened, bleached or trimmed.
Got it.
So where's the old biddy live? Palmdale.
Palmdale, ech.
Is she married? Uh, widow.
How'd her husband die? Heart attack.
Boring.
She did actually try to kill him once.
Oh.
Well, at least we have something in common.
Sure you gave me the right address? Yeah.
Wait a sec.
Isn't Amy Lane the name of the chick having the party? It may not be Amy Lane.
But we're on Amy Lane.
An amazing coincidence, huh? Is there somebody you guys can call? I mean, I can call Amy Lane.
If that is, in fact, her real name.
Evelyn, Alan tells me you do a lot of traveling.
Yes.
I love it.
The classical architecture, the exotic cuisine, the uncircumcised men.
Although one could make a case that falls under "exotic cuisine.
" Just like you and Alan in the car.
Do you guys travel much? Not anymore.
But when my husband was alive, we went everywhere.
Six Flags, Epcot, Dollywood.
Charming.
Real globe-trotter.
Speaking of which, I once slept with Meadowlark Lemon.
Let me tell you, basketballs weren't the only thing he could spin.
I'm so sorry.
I hope this is it.
They have a balloon on the mailbox that says party.
Mm.
Yeah? Uh, is this where the party is? Oh, you saw the balloon, huh? Come on in.
Okay.
Oh, hang on.
Hang on.
Excuse us.
Don't you pay attention in health class? What are you talking about? Stranger danger.
No, he seems okay.
You guys like to wrestle? Let's book it, dude.
Yeah.
Walden! Don't go! Always a bridesmaid.
Really, Alan? Why don't I get this? Well, you got to admit my plan worked.
They hit it off and left us pretty much unscathed.
Plus, thanks to your mom, my mom can now go back to her retirement community and show all her girlfriends what happens when you Google "Santorum.
" Lyndsey, will you take me to get a tramp stamp? What? It's a cute little tattoo right here.
Evelyn has one.
You do? I got it in Singapore.
The Chinese characters for: "Thank you.
Come again.
" All right, well, we're done here.
Why don't we head home? I don't want to go home.
Evelyn says there's a place right down the street where they have music and dancing.
Oh, I don't think so.
It's getting kind of late.
Yeah, we both have to work in the morning.
I don't.
Neither do I.
Why don't you two fuddy-duddies run along and let Jean and I have some fun? How will you get home? Alan, I made it from Brunei to Morocco with nothing but the clothes on my back and a tube of lubricant.
I think I can get us from Tarzana to Sherman Oaks.
Isn't she a hoot? All right, if you're sure.
Let's go.
You think we'll find some cute fellas to dance with? Oh, Jean, Jean, Jean.
We're not going to dance.
Men.
Should have written the address down, dude.
I did write it down.
She must have told it to me wrong.
Or maybe you heard it wrong.
If only there was an app that could capture the spoken word.
If only there was an app that could capture the spoken word.
Don't mock us, man.
Don't mock us, man.
Hi, Jake.
Hi, Eldridge.
- Hey.
- Hi.
I bet they were at the party.
Yeah, maybe they can tell us where it is.
Oh, good thinking.
I'll text 'em.
Wait, I don't have their numbers.
Man, we're never going to find this party.
Okay.
Let me ask you a question.
If you had made it to the party, what would you have done there? Try to hook up with some chicks.
Why don't you hook up with them? Right there-- that's why you're rich.
Would you mind very much if we, you know, blew you off? I would worry about you if you didn't.
- Bye.
- Later.
Hello, ladies.
Mind if we hook up with you? Men.
Morning.
Morning.
Oh, morning.
You and Evelyn have a good time last night? Fantastic.
Mm.
I adore your mother.
That's only because you just met her.
I don't know, I think I got to know her pretty well.
Good morning, darling.
Hi, Peaches.
Once again, I'm so, so sorry.