M*A*S*H (MASH) s09e20 Episode Script

- Come on, Frank.
Easy.
- Watch his head.
Make sure you keep that pressure bandage good and tight.
Get him right into pre-op.
What do you got here, Beej? Nothing too bad so far.
He's a little shocky, but it's only a shoulder wound.
Okay.
Pulse is weakening.
He's shockier than I thought.
I'll get his feet elevated.
I can't get a pulse.
Winchester! Charles, get that emergency kit over here, fast.
! - What do you got? - Cardiac arrest.
Here.
Adrenaline.
It's prepared.
[Grunts.]
- Did you get a pulse, Margaret? - No.
Nothing! Damn it! More adrenaline.
He's not gonna die from a damn shoulder wound.
- [Gunfire.]
- Sniper! Sniper! Get those patients under cover! - Get that kid out of sight.
Let's get him up, under the bus.
- Right.
Gwen, Gwen! Grab the other end.
Let's get him behind these boxes.
Get him inside.
Klinger, get to the generator and kill those lights! - Yes, sir! - [Gunfire Continues.]
Get him behind the ambulance! Get down! Come on, kid.
Go, go, go! Come on! - [Gunfire Continues.]
- Come on! - Anything? - It's beating.
- Oh, that's the way to go! - It's beating! Yeah-ha! Quiet.
Quiet.
Everybody get inside.
Can I have some more light over here? Right down here in the wound.
- How does it feel, Gwen? - It just burns a little.
I think the bullet's still in there.
You're gonna be fine.
The nurses here are really terrific once you get to know them.
All right, get her into X-ray, Margaret.
I'll take her right after that belly wound.
Blackout's lifted.
A patrol got the sniper.
Well, now I know what a skeet shoot feels like, from the skeet's point of view.
- Boy, some people are no fun to take to an ambush.
- Come on, Charles.
You and I went through something out there you can tell your kids about if you ever decide to buy a family.
- What happened? - A kid died on us, and we brought him back.
It's not often you come out of an attack with more people alive than you went in with.
Okay, gents, open your ears while you button your britches.
Time to rotate your additional duty assignments.
I just about had my assignment shot off.
Do we have to go through this now? Yes, and this time I want you to do these jobs.
Hunnicutt, you're our new laundry officer.
- I'd just as soon wash my hands of the whole thing.
- Count your blessings.
I made Mulcahy the new garbage officer.
Some men are born to garbage, and others have garbage thrust upon them.
Winchester, you've got the motor pool.
Keep those engines humming.
Why? Don't they know the words? Major Houlihan's the new morale officer.
And Pierce [Laughing.]
This oughta be good.
- You're the new Mess Tent honcho.
- [Loud Laughing.]
Fine.
I'll add a secret ingredient to every meal flavor.
I can hardly wait.
Winchester, you joining us, or are you gonna send out for a patient? I'm coming.
Is there anything I can do for him? No, uh, no.
He's fine.
Can you believe it? This man was dead.
For three minutes.
Well, if you need me, Doctor, I'll be at my desk.
Mm-hmm.
- Is he all right? - Yeah, he's fine.
I, uh I just stopped by to see how he was doing after that rather remarkable experience.
Mmm.
Sat with him for a minute or two.
[Door Closes.]
He was sitting there for half an hour.
It's the greatest French toast you ever tasted.
- Whatever you say, Captain.
- Naturally, you'll have to multiply the ingredients.
- I only know how to make enough for me and Dad.
- Got you.
Okay, you start with two eggs, and you fold in a cup and a half of milk.
- Mm-hmm.
- Then you add just a touch of vanilla.
- You want vanilla? - Yeah.
For that I need a two-day pass.
- You haven't got any vanilla? - Sorry.
I used it up last night in the crêpes suzette.
All right.
Okay.
We don't need any vanilla.
It'll be great without it.
Now, don't use an eggbeater.
Use a whisk.
Blend it until there's just a delicate layer of froth floating on the top.
- Right.
Floating froth.
- Yeah.
Okay.
Now, when you've got that you soak each slice of bread until the batter seeps into every pore.
Oh, this is so great! - This isn't toast.
It's pastry.
- Sure thing.
Okay, now, you know it's been soaking long enough if you pinch it lightly with your fingers, and it doesn't bounce back.
Pinch it with your fingers? Hold the mayo and anything else you've got cooking.
- You can't give any orders until you sign in.
- What is this? Routine paperwork for "l" Corps.
It acknowledges you're in charge of the Mess Tent.
- Sign these, and all this will be yours.
- Eggs! Right here on the dotted line, sir.
Right here.
Here, sir.
Dotted line.
- If you'll just initial here for your cookware.
- Milk! Right there.
- And here for your tables, eating.
- What? - Initial here, sir.
Tables, eating.
- What? Yeah, all right.
- Right there.
- Where? Here? - Yes, sir.
And here for tables, steam.
- Uh-huh.
And here, and here, and here.
- Moisture! - Wait.
Wait a minute.
Wait And here.
Yeah.
Look, I assume everything I'm signing for is present and accounted for.
Oh, sure.
Just about all of it.
Good day, Your Messness.
Wait a minute.
What do you mean, "just about all of it"? Considering all the stuff that's here, Are you telling me we're missing 50 trays? Sir, I wouldn't worry about it.
- Of course, I'm not financially responsible.
- Neither am I! - Blending! - Yeah.
Wh "I, Benjamin Pierce, do assume financial responsibility for all aforementioned culinary items.
" Initialed B.
F.
P.
Is that not your B.
F.
P.
? - Gently! Gently! - Huh? - Easy.
What? Yeah.
- B.
F.
P.
? You can't walk in here and tell me I owe the army 50 trays! - Why didn't you bring that up before I signed it? - You wouldn't have signed it.
Let me explain something to you.
I'm in charge of the Mess Tent.
If you ever want to eat again you work it out so that I don't owe the army 50 trays.
You'd let a man starve for 50 lousy trays? - With relish.
- Okay.
I'll talk to the 8063rd and see if I can borrow some.
I'll talk to the 8063rd and see if I can borrow some.
Gently soaking the bread into the froth.
Would you care to pinch it, or shall I? Look, I'm a doctor, not a laundry expert.
I'm not gonna barge in here and tell you how to run things.
I'm sure you have your own system for taking care of all this.
Captain, I just got transferred in here yesterday.
I don't know nothin' about laundry.
I thought maybe you had a system.
Oh.
It doesn't look too bad.
I'm sure between the two of us, we can - Okay, here we go, Doc.
- Oh, come on! Do you recall what you felt? Did you see anything? I don't know.
I'm still I'm still kind of tired, I guess.
Well, was it like, uh, dreaming? Did you hear voices? Just the doctors when I woke up.
No, no, no, I mean while you were gone.
Sir, I really don't understand what you want.
[Inhales Deeply.]
When I was very young my little brother passed away.
I couldn't, uh fully comprehend it at the time but for months after the accident I was unable to pass his room without this nameless fear.
L-I would get a, um tingling sensation in my chest and my arms.
And then yesterday when I found out that I had, indeed, come very close to death myself that sensation returned.
But you were there.
You were there, if only for a moment and I must know what you felt.
I want to help you.
I'm just tired, and I think I want to get some sleep now.
- Can I see you outside for a moment, Doctor? - Yes, of course.
Thank you.
- Yes? - Are you all right? - Perfectly.
- Nothing's bothering you? - Absolutely nothing.
- Then what the hell is the matter with you? Every time I go into post-op, you're hovering over Markham like a ghoul! That's some graveside manner you've got.
If you'll recall, I'm partly responsible for his being alive right now.
Then let's let him rest in peace.
Let me ask you a question, Dr.
Schweitzer.
Can you honestly stand there and tell me that you've never wondered what it was like? - What what was like? - What that boy went through right there.
- He was dead! - Uh-huh.
Haven't you the slightest bit of curiosity about what lies beyond? No.
I figure I'll find out soon enough.
You may need to cloak yourself in denial but I am not afraid to face up to the harshest reality of all.
Let me give you another harsh reality, Doctor.
Markham is my patient.
You stay the hell away from him.
- What is the matter with you? - With me? Why are you yelling at that poor man? Can't you see he's troubled? When I get finished taking care of my patients, I'll start worrying about the doctor.
I'm sitting in there reading a manual on how to boost morale, and you're tearing it down.
- So what do you want me to do? - I don't know.
A little sensitivity, a little compassion might help.
He's obviously very troubled, and screaming at him isn't gonna boost his spirits.
Fine.
You're the morale officer, you give him a boost.
Right now I've got 200 pounds of underwear to fluff and fold.
- Oh, Charles, I'm so glad I ran into you.
- Margaret.
Maybe you could help me with something.
I've been talking to a lot of people.
I'm morale officer, you know.
I've been trying to get ideas about what we could do to sort of cheer people up around here.
Well, Major, I don't, uh, concern myself with other people's problems.
Well, then, uh, what about yours? Why, I haven't a care in the world, thank you.
Except, of course, trying to find somewhere to be alone.
Major, I know how difficult it is to be cheerful here seeing so many people wounded and so much death.
But we could have it a lot worse.
Think about the medics at Battalion Aid.
Why, they face more death in one day than we do in a week.
Major, are you listening to me? It's perfectly natural to be overwhelmed by what we're doing here but you can't let it get to you.
You've got to be strong.
You're not paying any attention to me! I come in here to try to help you pull yourself together and you sit there sticking your finger in your hat.
You're not troubled.
You're not depressed.
You're weird.
And I wish you wouldn't come to me with your bizarre problems.
That's our little morale officer.
Boost, boost, boost! Why didn't you fix these carrots the way I told you? Your recipe called for a two-and-a-half-year allotment of butter.
Everybody's still talking about the breakfast.
What do you call that, Eggs Benzedrine? Hey, Captain, this is the kind of food I used to get at home just before I ran away.
You know, my meat tasted pretty good, after I combed it.
Eat it.
So, how does it feel now that the food is on the other foot? Fixing meals is no picnic, you know.
Uh, I'll be just a second.
Captain, there's somebody over here I think you better talk to.
- Well, just tell him we don't give free meals to cops here.
- This is serious.
Uh, may I present Captain Pierce, mattre d' de Mess.
Hello, Sergeant.
What can I do for you? Sir, I was wondering if we might have a word together.
Yeah, sure.
Why-Why don't you, uh, have a seat here? Sure.
Sir, I'm Sergeant Chiaverini and I've been sent here to investigate a number of trays that were stolen from the 8063rd.
Trays? Uh, tra You mean, uh, as in, uh, underneath the food? - Yes, sir.
- Yeah.
Uh Uh l You Don't go away.
- Klinger, this man is here to arrest me.
- Oh, good.
I didn't want to go alone.
I'm a little curious about those 50 trays you borrowed from the 8063rd.
Oh, the guy said he would lend me 50 trays if I would lend him 100 forks.
You know the old saying "Neither a borrower nor a lender be.
" So I stole them.
We're gonna wind up in the stockade because you didn't want to impose? Why don't we just give him back the 50 trays? Tell him we were a couple of crazy kids out on a lark.
That's liable to keep us out of jail, but meanwhile, I'm back to owing the army 50 trays again.
Thanks a lot, Klinger.
Thanks.
- Hi, Sergeant.
- Yes.
I think this is all a big mistake.
I mean, nobody in this unit would ever steal any trays, but maybe I can help you out.
If-lf, uh If the 8063rd is short a few trays, we have some extras.
I'm sure Corporal Klinger would be glad to drive over and deliver them over there.
I got you, sir.
I think maybe we can work something out.
Good.
How-How many, uh, trays were missing? Seventy-five.
Fine job of work, Rizzo.
Every valve, every disk must be removed from the jeep and placed on the sheet in its assigned order.
Sir, I don't understand.
Why am I taking this apart? It was working just fine! On the sheet, Rizzo.
On the sheet! On the sheet.
Don't you understand the power you have here? You can take a jeep apart and reduce it to an inert pile of junk.
And then whenever you want to, at a whim you can fit it together again, and it will roar back to life.
If only we could do that with human beings they they wouldn't die.
- Sir, we've got a problem.
- I got a problem myself.
If I don't keep my calluses leveled off, I tend to tip over backwards.
- Colonel - [Knocking.]
- Entrez- vous.
- Sir, I really must protest.
I'm up to my hips in garbage.
There's just no room for any more.
Well, Padre, you gotta ditch it someplace, preferably downwind.
I can't! Winchester has all the transportation lying around in little pieces on bed linen.
That's what I want to talk to you about.
The motor pool has been taken completely apart.
- Klinger has to get to the 8063rd right away.
- Why? Because It's a long story, but whatever idiot was in charge of the Mess Tent before I was stuck me with 75 missing trays.
I'm the idiot who stuck you with those trays, and it was 50! Colonel? Colonel, this laundry job is driving me nuts.
I'm glad you brought that up.
These don't exactly look like the Fruit of the Looms I sent in two days ago.
Maybe you can find the passion flower these belong to.
No kiddin'.
Would you look at this? The motor pool keeps sending me greasy sheets.
They clog up the drain.
I can't get 'em clean.
My hands are turning into two little raisins.
Winchester's brain is not operating on all cylinders.
Start, you fool! Start! Major! Major, what are you doing? Why won't this idiotic engine turn over? Because I tucked it into bed on that sheet over there just the way you told me.
Well, I must have transportation immediately.
Well What's available? - Any of these work? - Only the ambulance.
But that's off-limits, except in a medical emergency! - This is a medical emergency! - Where are you going? Battalion Aid.
Well, maybe he has got a few loose cashews in his attic but when you've been in this trade as long as I have, nothing makes you blink.
I think maybe Winchester has come face-to-face with the big heebie-jeebies.
I've seen it take all kinds of forms.
Some guys will go through crazy heroics.
Others will hide under their bunks for a week.
I just hate to stand by and watch it.
For now, Margaret, let's just let this thing run its course.
Winchester is a big boy.
- I'm sure he'll work this out for himself.
- [Gasps.]
That guy better slow down before somebody gets killed.
I want a few words with you.
Well, I hope two of them are "garbage truck.
" No, but three of them are "How dare you?" You're a man of the cloth, an inspiration to everyone and, last but not least, a chiseler.
How could you stick a guy for 50 trays? Just grab a pole and help push back this garbage.
- You see? - We'll be buried alive here! God is punishing you.
He's raining garbage on your head.
I don't know what you're grousing about.
Those 50 trays never existed.
Yeah, well, now 75 trays don't exist.
Look I was just as upset as you were when I took over the Mess Tent.
Here's how it was explained to me.
The army doesn't do things the way real human beings do them.
- Now, then, you're minus 75 trays.
- Yeah.
But they're not good for anything except putting under army food.
So, some Mess Tent somewhere is plus 75 trays.
[Shouts.]
When this war is over, a few generals will get together and add up all the pluses and all the minuses and it'll all come out even.
Besides which, long before that happens - you'll already have stuck somebody else for them.
- [Both Gasping.]
[Explosions.]
There.
I've got the bleeding stopped for now.
You want to Uh, get him on the ambulance, will you? - [Phone Ringing.]
- I'm sure glad you showed up.
We're making it in half the time.
Battalion Aid.
- I still don't really know why you're here.
- Yes, sir.
Actually, it's not all that clear to me either.
Uh, are there any more? - Yes, sir.
Hold on.
- That's all, except for this boy.
- Major Winchester? - Hmm? It's for you.
- [Explosion.]
- Yes? - Winchester, what the hell are you doing up there? - Taking care of wounded.
Do you realize we're about to get a whole bunch of wounded in here? Of course I do.
This is where they come from.
Do you also realize you could get yourself killed up there? Ah, actually, no, that-that hadn't occurred to me.
Uh, that would be interesting, wouldn't it? Winchester, you get back here right now! Major, I've got trouble here.
- I'm losing him.
Too much internal damage.
- Winchester, now! [Explosions.]
Am I all right? I can't feel anything in my legs.
Try to hang on.
We're gonna get you to a MASH unit, and they'll patch you up just fine.
I don't know whether I can, Doc.
I feel real weird.
Just stay with it.
- Doc? - Hmm? - You still there? - Sure.
I'm here.
L-I can't see you.
Hold my hand.
I am holding it.
I can't feel it.
Oh, God, I'm gonna die.
Can you hear me? Yes.
What is happening to you? Can you feel anything? Do you see anything? Please, I have to know.
What is happening to you? I smell bread.
I don't understand.
[Choking.]
[Gasping.]
[Sniffles, Sighs.]
He's the last one, sir.
Should we put him in the ambulance? No.
Thanks for your help, Doctor.
I really appreciate it.
[Loud Explosions.]
[Explosions Continue.]
You didn't think I was gonna sign for these without counting them first, did you? - No, of course not.
Who would be that stupid? - Ten, 11, 12.
- Fine.
I need 15 more.
- Fifteen.
You'd be surprised at some of the crummy things people try to pull.
You wouldn't believe some of the stories my father told me.
You've gotta watch everybody all the time, very carefully.
- Here we go, ma'am.
The last 15 trays.
- Thank you for your help.
Oh, it's the least I could do, sir.
I owed it to you.
Thirteen, 14, 15.
Fine.
Nothing like doing things the army way.