Two and a Half Men s09e20 Episode Script

Previously on: Billy called.
Billy Stanhope? Yeah, he said he has a business proposition for you.
How 'bout that? Billy Stanhope What went down between you two? Well, we built Eddie's software company in Bridget's garage and then sold it for a couple billion dollars.
That son of a bitch.
He didn't want to sell.
You really think we can finally build the electric suitcase? Yes, we have the technology now.
I-I just need you to help me write the code.
Hey, you know, while we're on the subject What? Peeing? No, sex.
There's something you should know.
It's about your ex-wife.
What? Bridget? Yeah, I'm, uh kind of sleeping with her.
What?! W-Wait, hey Mom, this is Alan.
Alan, this is my mom, Jean.
Hi.
Nice to meet you.
You know what? Tell you what.
I will call my mom and try to set up a dinner.
Evelyn says there's a place right down the street where they have music and dancing.
Why don't you two fuddy-duddies run along and let Jean and I have some fun.
You think we'll find some cute fellas to dance with? Oh, Jean, Jean, Jean we're not going to dance.
I adore your mother.
That's only because you just met her.
I don't know.
I think I got to know her pretty well.
Good morning, darling.
Hi, Peaches.
Men Great.
I'll pick you up at the airport.
I can't wait.
I love you, too.
Tell Zoey I said "hi.
" Oh, Alan says "hi.
" Yes, he's still here.
Uh-huh.
I know.
You're right.
She says "hi" back.
Okay, I'll see you tomorrow.
Here you go.
Oh, thank you.
You got to be excited about having your girlfriend back.
What has it been, a month? Three weeks.
Still, that's like a decade in penis years.
Yeah.
Tell you the truth, I'm actually a little bit worried.
About your relationship? Come on.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
At least for guys like you.
For guys like me, absence is more often enforced by the state of California.
Zoey doesn't know that I started a new software company with my old partner.
Yeah, with Billy, I know.
What's the big deal? Well, there's a third partner that Zoey's not gonna like.
Walden you made me a partner? All I did was bring you two guys together, The third partner is Bridget.
Your ex-wife? Come on, I brought you two guys together! But she helped me design the original code for the software; I had to bring her in.
Oh, right, right.
Well, I guess that would make a very awkward conversation with Zoey.
Yeah.
I think I'm just gonna try to slip it in without her noticing.
Hmm.
Story of my life.
Well, listen, just remember, that love will get you through times of no money better than money will get you through times of no love.
That's good advice.
Thank you.
And, uh, just to be clear uh, I have zero stake in this potential billion-dollar business? Well, actually, I was gonna give you a hundred shares of founders' stock.
Wow.
If this thing works, it could be worth millions.
Thank you.
My problem is I still got to figure out how to explain this to Zoey.
Dump the bitch.
Don't let her screw this up for us.
Once again, thank you for the advice.
Well, if it makes you feel any better, I've got my own little relationship problem brewing.
Yeah, that doesn't make me feel better.
My girlfriend's mom and my mom have become lovers.
Okay, that does make me feel better.
Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men Men, men, manly men, men, men Ooh Men, men, men, manly men Ooh Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men Ooh Men, men, men, manly men, men, men Ah.
Men.
Men Can I ask you a question? What? If we just had sex in England, would I be lying on the other side of the bed? Oh, God, I've missed you.
I missed you, too.
And you can call me Walden.
So, what have you been up to? Actually, I've been, like, very, very busy.
With what? I started a new software company with my old partner Billy Stanhope.
Walden! Yeah.
That's terrific! It's amazing and, and we built this amazing product.
It's called the electric suitcase.
I-It's gonna completely revolutionize the global energy market.
Whoa.
Sounds big.
No, it's bigger than big.
I mean, the three of us could end up splitting billions of dollars.
The three of you? What? You just said the three of you.
Y-Yes, there are in fact three of us.
Who's the third? Oh, not Alan.
No, God, no.
So, who is it? It's Bridget.
Your ex-wife? There's nothing I could do.
I mean, she helped write the original code for the software so she still owns a third of it.
So you've gone into business with a woman who drove her car into your living room because you chose me over her? Crazy world, huh? On the plus side s-she's sleeping with my ex-partner.
So Why is that a plus side? B-Because she's with him, so you don't have to worry about me and her.
I wasn't worried about you and her.
Good.
Until just now.
Why didn't you tell me about this before we had sex? Do you want to have sex now? No! That's why! I'm going home.
Oh, come on, Zoey.
Don't make a big deal out of this.
If I told you I was going into business with my ex-husband would you consider it a big deal? No, not at all.
You're a liar.
Life would be so much easier if I dated dumb chicks.
I heard that.
It was a compliment.
Here you go.
Thank you.
So.
.
have you given any thought as to what we're gonna do about our little mother situation? Golden Girls Gone Wild? Hey what can we do? They're grown woman.
They've made a lifestyle choice.
I have no problem with the lifestyle.
I've tried the lifestyle.
Really?! When? Who? College? Camp? Shut up, Alan.
Sorry.
Go ahead.
How am I supposed to have a relationship with you when your mother is clearly taking sexual advantage of mine? H-Hang on a second.
I don't think anyone is taking advantage of anyone.
You don't? A week ago my mother was living in a retirement community playing golf with her girlfriends and watching reruns of Cagney & Lacey.
Well, I don't know.
Golf, Cagney & Lacey Sounds like she was already halfway there.
Shut up, Alan.
Oh, good, you're here.
Mom! What have you done to yourself? Evelyn took me shopping.
Do you like my new look? Isn't she gorgeous? Yeah, I-I guess.
We also got matching tattoos.
Oh, Mom, no.
See? It's a little heart.
Uh, with an "E plus J" in it.
I don't see one on your ankle, Mom.
It's not on my ankle.
Oh, glory-oski.
Mom, you've been gone all day.
I thought you and I were gonna spend some time together before you went back to Sunset Village.
I know.
I'm sorry, sweetheart.
We've been so busy.
But don't worry.
You're gonna be seeing a lot more of me after I move in with Evy.
What? I've got this huge place.
Why shouldn't she enjoy it? You're talking about your huge house, right? We're just gonna pick up some things here and then go close up Jean's condo.
And then we'll start our new life, right, Peaches? That's right, Pumpkin.
Come on.
This sort of makes you brother and sister, doesn't it? Is it just me or is that idea kind of a turn-on? It's just me.
Men Oh, come on.
It's not that weird.
Yeah, because we have a child together.
Okay, well, Bridget and I have a business together.
It's basically the same thing.
Have you been sniffing glue? No! They both require nurturing and attention.
The only difference is your kid's gonna cost you a fortune and mine is gonna make a fortune.
Wow.
Good-bye.
Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait.
J-Just do one thing for me.
What? Let's the three of us have dinner together.
You want me to have dinner with you and your ex-wife? Yes.
That way you can see that everything is cool between us.
Come on, Zoey.
This is really important to me.
God, I'm gonna regret this.
One dinner.
Thank you.
I will see you tomorrow.
Good-bye.
Well done, old boy.
You dodged the crazy girlfriend bullet.
Walden, I'm still outside the door.
You didn't let me finish.
All right, finish.
I love you so much.
Men Here you go.
Thank you.
So did you tell Zoey about working with Bridget? Uh, yeah.
How'd it go? Not good.
But she did agree to have dinner with us.
W-Wait, you're having dinner with your girlfriend and your ex-wife? Bad idea? Well, not as bad as me trying to turn my girlfriend on with a little incest fantasy, but it's right up there.
What else was I gonna do? Well, I I'm not gonna dump the bitch.
Okay.
Fine, fine.
We'll just keep our eyes on the prize here.
What, your hundred shares in the company? I was more thinking about your happiness, but sure, there's that.
Hey, uh, this might make you feel better.
Uh, I'm having my own bad idea dinner.
What's that? Lyndsey, her son, my son, and the two gay grandmas.
Once again, that does make me feel better.
Hey, how about this? Why don't we meet back here after our respective dinners and compare notes? Sort of like a recap at the end of a reality show.
Yeah.
Yeah, we could, uh, you know, have a little contest.
See whose dinner was worse.
Shame we can't let America vote on it.
Yeah.
Or can we? Men.
Men.
Hey, this is really nice, huh? Zoey, uh Bridget and I were talking about your your concerns, and Bridget was very eager to assuage them.
Right, Bridge? Absolutely.
Okay.
Let the assuaging begin.
Anybody? I'll take a crack at it.
No, thank you, Berta.
All right, obviously, this is an awkward situation.
Walden and I were together for many, many years, and you and he have been dating for a few months now, so clearly, you're insecure about us working together.
I am not insecure.
Right, and there's no reason you should be.
Yes, I've known this guy since high school, and yes, we fell in love, and yes, we spent many happy years together, but the reality now is, we're simply business partners.
Right.
And not all those years were happy.
Oh, sure, there were some great times.
Also, I want to build But there were also some bad times.
Also some bad times.
I mean, the point is, is that our relationship now is just strictly business.
Oh, speaking of which, we need to upgrade the ventilation for the server farm.
Oh, that's a good idea.
Oh, also, I want to build triple redundancy.
Of course, but we shouldn't be talking shop and leaving poor Zoey out of the conversation.
No, that's all right.
I love to hear about Walden's work.
Oh, that's so sweet.
I'm so glad he found someone like you.
Oh.
Thank you.
After I threw him out, I wondered how he'd survive.
He's so needy.
I'm not needy.
- Yeah, you are.
- Yes, you are.
So what's the deal? Are you guys in it for the long haul, or are you just gonna date and see what happens? Well, we're just finding our way for the moment.
Oh, good.
Mm.
Good.
Keep it casual.
That way no one can accuse you of going after his money.
Excuse me? I'm not after his money.
Oh, no, you misunderstand.
I I'm sure you're not, but unfortunately, there's no way to prove it.
Luckily, I met him when he had nothing, so there's no question about my intentions.
Are you questioning my intentions? No, she's not.
She's not.
No, you're not.
You're not, are you? Of course not.
Are you questioning my intentions? Me? No! Berta, how is the pot roast coming? Got another 30 minutes.
You guys keep chatting.
Men.
I don't understand.
Why is my grandmother living with his grandmother? Yeah, I was kind of wondering that myself, but I didn't want to look stupid.
Too late, dude.
You want to handle this, Alan? Not really.
I wasn't asking.
All right.
Um Well, fellas, um, your two grandmas are, uh are both very lonely, and so, they've, uh, decided to become uh, roommates, uh, and keep each other company.
Oh, that makes sense.
Mm.
Plus, if one of them falls down, the other can call the ambulance.
What if they both fall down at the same time? Um, I guess they starve to death and die.
Unless they go cannibal and try to eat each other.
If that happens, I'm betting on my grandma eating your grandma.
Dude, there's no way in the world that your grandma eats my grandma.
My grandma totally eats your grandma.
Nuh-uh.
If any grandma's doing any eating, it's my grandma.
- No way.
- Come on.
My grandma has real teeth.
You happy? How do you know? She bit me once.
Well, that was great.
I'm really glad we got to spend some time together.
Yeah, it was lovely.
Yeah.
Oh, don't forget we have that meeting with the venture fund tomorrow.
Oh, yeah, right.
Bye.
Oh, bye.
Oh, do me a favor, Zoey.
Don't let him wear sandals to the meeting.
I really don't tell him what to wear.
That's okay.
You'll learn.
Don't wear sandals to the meeting.
Good night.
Good night.
Night-night.
Bye.
Drive safe.
Mm.
I think that went great.
Do you? You don't? I don't.
I don't, either.
Did Um, did I miss something? Obviously, you missed everything.
That horrible woman won't be happy till she's destroyed our relationship, and she has you back.
What? No! She has a boyfriend.
She's happy.
Oh, how can you be so smart about some things and so stupid about others? Okay, wait, just to be clear, what am I smart about and what am I stupid about?! Oh, what? Now you can't hear me! Men.
Anybody want more mashed potatoes? Oh, gosh, I'm full, Jean, but everything's so delicious.
Thank you.
And how lucky were you to grow up with Mom's home cooking? Excuse me.
You grew up with home cooking, too.
Yes, but the maid did the cooking.
It was still at home.
Make sure you leave room for dessert.
I made pie.
Oh, I love Grandma's pie.
Yeah, yeah, I heard it, too.
There's something I'd like to say.
Oh, dear God, here it comes.
It gives me such pleasure to welcome Jean into my home and to share our new friendship with our two families.
Hear, hear.
Hear, hear.
Hear, hear.
And I'd just like to thank Evy for showing me that it's never too late to teach an old dog new tricks.
Certainly didn't teach her to fetch a bone.
Shh.
I have a question.
Oh, God, here it comes.
If you and her were cannibals, which do you think would eat the other? There you have it: the upside of stupid.
I'm sorry, Walden, but Bridget's right.
You have history with her; you have none with me.
You can't even be sure I love you for yourself and not your money.
What are you saying? I'm saying, I think it might be better for both of us if we went our separate ways.
Okay, that's one approach which stinks.
So, let me make a counterproposal.
Why don't you move in with me? What? Yeah, you and Ava move in with me.
I love you, and I want you in my life, I want I want to have a future with you.
Really? Really.
Mummy, Mummy, please say yes! What are you doing out of bed?! I love you, Walden! I love you, Ava.
Get back into bed! Hmm.
Let's see.
So, that's one vote for yes, and I vote yes, so, the motion is passed.
There is one tiny little problem.
What's that? If Ava and I move in, isn't somebody going to have to move out? Hmm.
What's the matter? I don't know.
Just felt a little shiver go down my spine.
Men.
Here you go.
I got to ask.
What's with the tea? You make it for me.
You make it for Lyndsey.
Well, I've got a little philosophy.
When someone's nice enough to let me into their home or their pants, I like to show my appreciation.
Without spending any money.
You know me so well.
So, recap.
How'd your dinner go? Oh, pretty well, actually.
The grandmas were on their best behavior, and the two boys-- well, let's just say, they're gonna be living with us for a long, long time.
And you? Oh, good, good.
It went really good.
So, everything's okay with Zoey? Yeah, it's fantastic.
Sounds like everything's great with you and Lyndsey, huh? Oh, yeah, more than good.
Oh, forgot the honey.
She owns her own home, right? Yeah.
Hmm.
Think I may be coming down with something.