Two and a Half Men s09e21 Episode Script
Mr. Hose Says 'Yes'
Previously on: Why don't you move in with me? What? Yeah, you and Ava move in with me.
I love you, and I want you in my life, I want I want to have a future with you.
If Ava and I move in, isn't somebody going to have to move out? Hmm.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
That's the ticket.
Yes.
Out with the bad.
Morning.
Morning.
Hey, I'm glad you're up.
I wanted Oh, whoa.
Sorry.
Is that really a good workout? Oh, yeah, yeah.
It's great for the circulation, stretches the spine.
Your ball is hanging out.
Oopsie-daisy.
Back in the barn.
Wha All right, listen, uh, it's spring break this week, so Zoey and her daughter are going to stay here.
Oh, that's nice.
Yeah, it's kind of like a trial run.
You know, see what it's like to live together before we decide to do anything permanent.
Oh, that's a good idea.
Living together is tricky.
Ball.
Sorry.
Of course it's going to be a little tight with all of us living here.
Yeah.
That's what I wanted to talk to you about.
Oh, don't worry.
I'll tell Jake to go to his mom's.
Good, good.
And I'll make myself scarce.
You won't even know I'm here.
Oop.
Stepped on a duck.
All right, actually, I'm going to need you to, uh, move out for the week.
What, wait, the whole week? Yeah, you and Zoey don't really gel, so, I just thought it'd be for the best.
Oh, oh, that's fine.
Uh, but, uh, you know, just for the record, I gel with pretty much everybody.
I mean, ask around, I'm positively gelatinous.
I know, it's her.
So, the plan is, I come back after a week? Uh, you might want to think of this as a trial run of your own.
I mean, in case Zoey and I do decide to live together permanently.
Sure, sure, I get it.
Uh, and, uh, let me just add that no one is rooting for your personal happiness more than I am.
That's good to hear.
Thanks, man.
Oh, no, no, no.
Thank you, buddy.
No reason to panic.
Just got to find a temporary new home and three new balls.
Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men Ah.
Men.
What are you doing? I'm taking a break.
Didn't you just get here? Yeah.
Anyway, I just wanted to give you a heads up that Zoey's going to stay here for the week.
Uh-huh.
And she's bringing her daughter.
How old? Seven.
See ya in a week.
Oh, come on, Berta.
You'll love her.
She's adorable.
Maybe to her mother, and someone who's trying to get into her mother's pants.
All right, look, it's not going to be any extra work for you.
What ever Zoey doesn't take care of, I'll handle.
Really? You're going to take care of a seven-year-old? Yeah.
We get a long great.
And besides, I got to learn sometime.
I mean, if Zoey and I get married, I'll be Ava's stepdad.
You know, once upon a time, a cute little boy came to live in this house for a few days.
Maybe you've met him.
He's the pot-soaked masturbating couch potato who eats all your cookies.
Is he the one who finished off my macaroons? Your macaroons and my pot.
My point being, fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, I want a fully funded 401 and a Camaro.
Come on, Berta, it's just going to be for a week, and it's just the three of us.
Really? Did Zippy finally hang himself? No.
He's going to stay somewhere else.
Zoey and I want to see what it's like to live like a family, with a housekeeper.
Who's got a retirement plan and a muscle car.
All right, look, Berta, if you don't want to help me with this, I will find another housekeeper who's willing to do very little work for a very large salary in a Malibu beach house.
You're cute, but you got a mean streak.
All right, here we are.
What do you think? Oh, boy, the ocean! Stay on the deck! Oh, she's so excited, she didn't sleep at all last night.
Yeah, I'm kind of excited, too.
Really? I'm terrified.
Why? Well, because if this little experiment doesn't work, it pretty much means we're done, doesn't it? Wow, now I'm terrified, too.
Oh, hey, there she is, the new queen of the castle, uh, milady.
Hello, Alan.
Thank you so much for letting my boyfriend use his own house for the week.
Snidely put.
Thank you.
So, where are you staying? Uh, well, I was thinking that I was going to rent a suite at the Bel Air Hotel, uh, but then I realized that cost money and I have none.
So, um, I'm just going to stay with Lyndsey.
How wonderful for her.
So, um, all right, I will, uh, I will see you in a week.
See ya.
In a week.
Yeah.
Say it.
I'll see ya in a week.
Okay, you two have fun.
All right.
Oh, oh, wait.
What room are you planning to put the little girl in? Yours.
Oh, oh, well, then I better get a few things out of there.
Mostly magazines.
Maybe we should put her in Jake's room.
No, that's actually worse.
Men.
You ready for another beer? Oh, aren't you a doll.
You know Eldridge is with his father this week.
Whoo, and Jake's with his mother.
Mmm.
So, I guess we can do anything we want.
Yeah, and what do you want, you dirty girl? Well, you know what would make me really happy? Whatever it is, I'll do it.
The guest toilet is broken.
I want you to fix it.
Uh, are we role-playing? Am I the naughty plumber here to snake your drain? No.
You're the loving boyfriend here to fix my toilet.
Seriously? Seriously.
Now? Now.
All right.
Hey, uh, when you're done with that, would you take the patio furniture out of the garage and put it in the backyard? Sure.
Make sure you wash it first.
You got it.
Yep, I got it, all right.
I forgot a few things.
I'm going to run to the store.
Oh, you know, relax.
I'll go for you.
Actually, there's things I need to buy that I'd rather you not know I need.
Say no more.
Put your coat on, Ava.
I don't want to go-- I'm playing.
Ava, come on.
No, she's fine.
I'll watch her.
You sure? Yeah, of course.
It's no big deal.
Do you want to stay here with Walden? Yes, please.
Okay.
See you in about an hour Bye.
Bye.
The sweet, sweet smell of freedom.
Oh.
Hi.
I'm bored.
I thought you were playing with your dolls.
I finished.
What do you want to do? Well (Cyndi Lauper's "Girls Just Want to Have Fun" plays) I come home in the morning light My mother says, "When you gonna live your life right?" Oh, mother dear, we're not the fortunate ones And girls, they want to have fun Oh, girls just want to have fun The phone rings in the middle of the night My father yells, "What you gonna do with your life?" Oh, daddy dear, you know you're still number one But girls, they want to have fun Oh, girls just want to have That's all they really want Some fun When the working day is done Oh, girls, they want to have fun Oh, girls just want to have There's my good girl.
Hi, Mommy.
Where's Walden? Right there.
He said it's his nap time.
Men.
I think I found your problem! You have got a blown out fuse! Can you fix it? I don't see any spare fuses but, uh, I do know a little trick.
What's that? Well, most people don't know this, but you can use an ordinary copper penny to replace a fuse.
No kidding? Yeah, electricians won't tell you 'cause they want to charge you It worked! The TV's back on! Men.
"They were married soon after, "and lived happily together for many, many years.
The end.
" Big surprise, huh? Thank God.
It's too dark.
Oh, sorry.
Here you go.
That's too bright.
Okay.
Uh how about I turn the bathroom light on and leave the door open a crack? How's that? Better.
All right.
Good night.
Did you look under the bed? No.
Why, did you find some funny magazines? You have to check for monsters.
Oh.
Nope, no monsters.
Okay.
Good night.
What about the closet? What about it? Monsters.
I don't want to have nightmares.
Right.
It's all clear.
Aah great.
Now I'm gonna have nightmares.
Okay, okay, good night.
I'm thirsty.
You're joking.
Why would I joke about thirsty? Thirsty's not funny.
I'll get you a glass of water.
No, I want fizzy water.
You want Perrier? Pellegrino would be fine.
Okay.
I'll go see what we have.
How did the story end? Uh they got married, and they lived happily together for many, many years.
Till they had kids.
Men.
How are you feeling? All right.
My hand's still a little numb.
Well, let's see if I can make it all better.
Mmm Ooh! Ooh! Make it all better.
Daddy like.
Mmm Did you hear something? Mm, nothing but the rustling in my jammies.
No! There's someone downstairs.
No, there isn't.
Come on, make it all better.
Alan! There's someone in the house.
Go look.
Really? With a dead hand and the beginnings of an erection? Go.
And thus ends the erection.
Who keeps their weed in the crisper? What, you want to get crispy, don't you? Ow! Good morning.
It's still dark out.
It's breakfast time.
Maybe in London.
What's going on? She wants breakfast.
Okay.
Just give me a minute.
No, you sleep; I'll get it.
Thanks.
That's it? No argument? Shh All right.
What do you want? Corn Flakes or Cheerios or Eggs Benedict.
Of course.
Men.
Watch your step.
Yeah, wouldn't want to get hurt.
Those pain pills starting to kick in yet? Oh, yeah.
You could spread me on a toast.
Okay.
Let's get you into bed.
No, no.
Let's get you into bed.
Seriously? You want to fool around? Parts of me do.
- Mr.
Nose says, "No," but Mr.
- "Yes"" Tell you what, why don't you just lie down and let me take care of you.
Really? You took care of me when I thought there was someone in the house.
Oh, right, right, I did.
I was brave.
Let's just get this belt and zipper undone.
Good thing you could breathe through your nose.
- Ow! - What?! Ball snag! Oh, sorry! No, no, don't touch it! Don't! Oh! I think I broke Mr.
Hose.
Hey! What? What in the hell happened here? I tried to make breakfast for the kid.
"Tried"? Yeah.
The eggs were too runny, so I made oatmeal that was too dry, so I made waffles that were-- and I quote-- "Bloody dreadful.
" Where is she now? I don't know; I don't care.
I can't do this, Berta.
It's just it's too much.
She just never stops.
Yeah, I raised four daughters.
The only thing that slows them down is jail and johnsons.
I told Zoey we were gonna be a family.
What am I gonna do? The kid's seven? Yeah.
Wait nine years.
What happens in nine years? If you're lucky, she runs away with a coke-addled bass player.
And if I'm not lucky? A drummer.
Men.
Hey.
Oh, you're up.
How are you feeling? A little better.
I'm glad.
Not looking forward to ripping the Band-Aid off my scrotum, but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.
I'm so, so sorry.
Yeah, just FYI, if you'd like to try again, I'm wearing sweatpants.
No zipper.
I cannot believe you're still horny.
Me neither, but there it is.
Well, I do owe you one.
Oh, boy.
Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.
Do you smell that? Oh, don't worry.
That's just the Neosporin.
No.
It-it smells like something dead.
It's not Mr.
Hose.
He's very much alive.
Go ahead.
Check.
I think it's coming from under the house.
I'm sorry, I-I really can't smell anything 'cause of my broken nose 'cause of what you owe me.
It-it's probably just a raccoon or a possum.
Hang on one sec.
Let me call the exterminator.
Oh, no, no, no, that's going to take too long.
I'll ju I'll just get a shovel and a garbage bag and deal with it.
You're that horny? I know, it's starting to worry me, too.
You okay down there? Yeah.
Yeah, I think I see it.
Looks like a-a dead possum.
Be careful.
Oh, don't worry about it.
I-I'm just going to shovel him into my Not dead! Not dead! Ow! Ow! Yah! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I didn't mean Ow! No! Ow! Come on! Oh, that's going to get infected.
Ah! Ahh! Men.
Thank you.
Hey.
Oh, hey.
Thanks for meeting me, man.
Whoa! What happened to you? Well, let's see, uh Electrocuted, got my nose bashed in, and possibly rabies.
How are you? I am really tired.
My heart bleeds for you.
Also my left ball sack.
What's that smell? Oh, Neosporin, which just a hint of possum.
So, uh, how are things going living with Zoey and her daughter? It's good, it's good.
Oh.
How's living with Lyndsey? Oh, it's terrific.
That's great.
That's great.
If I could get rid of them Yes! A hundred times yes!
I love you, and I want you in my life, I want I want to have a future with you.
If Ava and I move in, isn't somebody going to have to move out? Hmm.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
That's the ticket.
Yes.
Out with the bad.
Morning.
Morning.
Hey, I'm glad you're up.
I wanted Oh, whoa.
Sorry.
Is that really a good workout? Oh, yeah, yeah.
It's great for the circulation, stretches the spine.
Your ball is hanging out.
Oopsie-daisy.
Back in the barn.
Wha All right, listen, uh, it's spring break this week, so Zoey and her daughter are going to stay here.
Oh, that's nice.
Yeah, it's kind of like a trial run.
You know, see what it's like to live together before we decide to do anything permanent.
Oh, that's a good idea.
Living together is tricky.
Ball.
Sorry.
Of course it's going to be a little tight with all of us living here.
Yeah.
That's what I wanted to talk to you about.
Oh, don't worry.
I'll tell Jake to go to his mom's.
Good, good.
And I'll make myself scarce.
You won't even know I'm here.
Oop.
Stepped on a duck.
All right, actually, I'm going to need you to, uh, move out for the week.
What, wait, the whole week? Yeah, you and Zoey don't really gel, so, I just thought it'd be for the best.
Oh, oh, that's fine.
Uh, but, uh, you know, just for the record, I gel with pretty much everybody.
I mean, ask around, I'm positively gelatinous.
I know, it's her.
So, the plan is, I come back after a week? Uh, you might want to think of this as a trial run of your own.
I mean, in case Zoey and I do decide to live together permanently.
Sure, sure, I get it.
Uh, and, uh, let me just add that no one is rooting for your personal happiness more than I am.
That's good to hear.
Thanks, man.
Oh, no, no, no.
Thank you, buddy.
No reason to panic.
Just got to find a temporary new home and three new balls.
Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men Ah.
Men.
What are you doing? I'm taking a break.
Didn't you just get here? Yeah.
Anyway, I just wanted to give you a heads up that Zoey's going to stay here for the week.
Uh-huh.
And she's bringing her daughter.
How old? Seven.
See ya in a week.
Oh, come on, Berta.
You'll love her.
She's adorable.
Maybe to her mother, and someone who's trying to get into her mother's pants.
All right, look, it's not going to be any extra work for you.
What ever Zoey doesn't take care of, I'll handle.
Really? You're going to take care of a seven-year-old? Yeah.
We get a long great.
And besides, I got to learn sometime.
I mean, if Zoey and I get married, I'll be Ava's stepdad.
You know, once upon a time, a cute little boy came to live in this house for a few days.
Maybe you've met him.
He's the pot-soaked masturbating couch potato who eats all your cookies.
Is he the one who finished off my macaroons? Your macaroons and my pot.
My point being, fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, I want a fully funded 401 and a Camaro.
Come on, Berta, it's just going to be for a week, and it's just the three of us.
Really? Did Zippy finally hang himself? No.
He's going to stay somewhere else.
Zoey and I want to see what it's like to live like a family, with a housekeeper.
Who's got a retirement plan and a muscle car.
All right, look, Berta, if you don't want to help me with this, I will find another housekeeper who's willing to do very little work for a very large salary in a Malibu beach house.
You're cute, but you got a mean streak.
All right, here we are.
What do you think? Oh, boy, the ocean! Stay on the deck! Oh, she's so excited, she didn't sleep at all last night.
Yeah, I'm kind of excited, too.
Really? I'm terrified.
Why? Well, because if this little experiment doesn't work, it pretty much means we're done, doesn't it? Wow, now I'm terrified, too.
Oh, hey, there she is, the new queen of the castle, uh, milady.
Hello, Alan.
Thank you so much for letting my boyfriend use his own house for the week.
Snidely put.
Thank you.
So, where are you staying? Uh, well, I was thinking that I was going to rent a suite at the Bel Air Hotel, uh, but then I realized that cost money and I have none.
So, um, I'm just going to stay with Lyndsey.
How wonderful for her.
So, um, all right, I will, uh, I will see you in a week.
See ya.
In a week.
Yeah.
Say it.
I'll see ya in a week.
Okay, you two have fun.
All right.
Oh, oh, wait.
What room are you planning to put the little girl in? Yours.
Oh, oh, well, then I better get a few things out of there.
Mostly magazines.
Maybe we should put her in Jake's room.
No, that's actually worse.
Men.
You ready for another beer? Oh, aren't you a doll.
You know Eldridge is with his father this week.
Whoo, and Jake's with his mother.
Mmm.
So, I guess we can do anything we want.
Yeah, and what do you want, you dirty girl? Well, you know what would make me really happy? Whatever it is, I'll do it.
The guest toilet is broken.
I want you to fix it.
Uh, are we role-playing? Am I the naughty plumber here to snake your drain? No.
You're the loving boyfriend here to fix my toilet.
Seriously? Seriously.
Now? Now.
All right.
Hey, uh, when you're done with that, would you take the patio furniture out of the garage and put it in the backyard? Sure.
Make sure you wash it first.
You got it.
Yep, I got it, all right.
I forgot a few things.
I'm going to run to the store.
Oh, you know, relax.
I'll go for you.
Actually, there's things I need to buy that I'd rather you not know I need.
Say no more.
Put your coat on, Ava.
I don't want to go-- I'm playing.
Ava, come on.
No, she's fine.
I'll watch her.
You sure? Yeah, of course.
It's no big deal.
Do you want to stay here with Walden? Yes, please.
Okay.
See you in about an hour Bye.
Bye.
The sweet, sweet smell of freedom.
Oh.
Hi.
I'm bored.
I thought you were playing with your dolls.
I finished.
What do you want to do? Well (Cyndi Lauper's "Girls Just Want to Have Fun" plays) I come home in the morning light My mother says, "When you gonna live your life right?" Oh, mother dear, we're not the fortunate ones And girls, they want to have fun Oh, girls just want to have fun The phone rings in the middle of the night My father yells, "What you gonna do with your life?" Oh, daddy dear, you know you're still number one But girls, they want to have fun Oh, girls just want to have That's all they really want Some fun When the working day is done Oh, girls, they want to have fun Oh, girls just want to have There's my good girl.
Hi, Mommy.
Where's Walden? Right there.
He said it's his nap time.
Men.
I think I found your problem! You have got a blown out fuse! Can you fix it? I don't see any spare fuses but, uh, I do know a little trick.
What's that? Well, most people don't know this, but you can use an ordinary copper penny to replace a fuse.
No kidding? Yeah, electricians won't tell you 'cause they want to charge you It worked! The TV's back on! Men.
"They were married soon after, "and lived happily together for many, many years.
The end.
" Big surprise, huh? Thank God.
It's too dark.
Oh, sorry.
Here you go.
That's too bright.
Okay.
Uh how about I turn the bathroom light on and leave the door open a crack? How's that? Better.
All right.
Good night.
Did you look under the bed? No.
Why, did you find some funny magazines? You have to check for monsters.
Oh.
Nope, no monsters.
Okay.
Good night.
What about the closet? What about it? Monsters.
I don't want to have nightmares.
Right.
It's all clear.
Aah great.
Now I'm gonna have nightmares.
Okay, okay, good night.
I'm thirsty.
You're joking.
Why would I joke about thirsty? Thirsty's not funny.
I'll get you a glass of water.
No, I want fizzy water.
You want Perrier? Pellegrino would be fine.
Okay.
I'll go see what we have.
How did the story end? Uh they got married, and they lived happily together for many, many years.
Till they had kids.
Men.
How are you feeling? All right.
My hand's still a little numb.
Well, let's see if I can make it all better.
Mmm Ooh! Ooh! Make it all better.
Daddy like.
Mmm Did you hear something? Mm, nothing but the rustling in my jammies.
No! There's someone downstairs.
No, there isn't.
Come on, make it all better.
Alan! There's someone in the house.
Go look.
Really? With a dead hand and the beginnings of an erection? Go.
And thus ends the erection.
Who keeps their weed in the crisper? What, you want to get crispy, don't you? Ow! Good morning.
It's still dark out.
It's breakfast time.
Maybe in London.
What's going on? She wants breakfast.
Okay.
Just give me a minute.
No, you sleep; I'll get it.
Thanks.
That's it? No argument? Shh All right.
What do you want? Corn Flakes or Cheerios or Eggs Benedict.
Of course.
Men.
Watch your step.
Yeah, wouldn't want to get hurt.
Those pain pills starting to kick in yet? Oh, yeah.
You could spread me on a toast.
Okay.
Let's get you into bed.
No, no.
Let's get you into bed.
Seriously? You want to fool around? Parts of me do.
- Mr.
Nose says, "No," but Mr.
- "Yes"" Tell you what, why don't you just lie down and let me take care of you.
Really? You took care of me when I thought there was someone in the house.
Oh, right, right, I did.
I was brave.
Let's just get this belt and zipper undone.
Good thing you could breathe through your nose.
- Ow! - What?! Ball snag! Oh, sorry! No, no, don't touch it! Don't! Oh! I think I broke Mr.
Hose.
Hey! What? What in the hell happened here? I tried to make breakfast for the kid.
"Tried"? Yeah.
The eggs were too runny, so I made oatmeal that was too dry, so I made waffles that were-- and I quote-- "Bloody dreadful.
" Where is she now? I don't know; I don't care.
I can't do this, Berta.
It's just it's too much.
She just never stops.
Yeah, I raised four daughters.
The only thing that slows them down is jail and johnsons.
I told Zoey we were gonna be a family.
What am I gonna do? The kid's seven? Yeah.
Wait nine years.
What happens in nine years? If you're lucky, she runs away with a coke-addled bass player.
And if I'm not lucky? A drummer.
Men.
Hey.
Oh, you're up.
How are you feeling? A little better.
I'm glad.
Not looking forward to ripping the Band-Aid off my scrotum, but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.
I'm so, so sorry.
Yeah, just FYI, if you'd like to try again, I'm wearing sweatpants.
No zipper.
I cannot believe you're still horny.
Me neither, but there it is.
Well, I do owe you one.
Oh, boy.
Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.
Do you smell that? Oh, don't worry.
That's just the Neosporin.
No.
It-it smells like something dead.
It's not Mr.
Hose.
He's very much alive.
Go ahead.
Check.
I think it's coming from under the house.
I'm sorry, I-I really can't smell anything 'cause of my broken nose 'cause of what you owe me.
It-it's probably just a raccoon or a possum.
Hang on one sec.
Let me call the exterminator.
Oh, no, no, no, that's going to take too long.
I'll ju I'll just get a shovel and a garbage bag and deal with it.
You're that horny? I know, it's starting to worry me, too.
You okay down there? Yeah.
Yeah, I think I see it.
Looks like a-a dead possum.
Be careful.
Oh, don't worry about it.
I-I'm just going to shovel him into my Not dead! Not dead! Ow! Ow! Yah! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I didn't mean Ow! No! Ow! Come on! Oh, that's going to get infected.
Ah! Ahh! Men.
Thank you.
Hey.
Oh, hey.
Thanks for meeting me, man.
Whoa! What happened to you? Well, let's see, uh Electrocuted, got my nose bashed in, and possibly rabies.
How are you? I am really tired.
My heart bleeds for you.
Also my left ball sack.
What's that smell? Oh, Neosporin, which just a hint of possum.
So, uh, how are things going living with Zoey and her daughter? It's good, it's good.
Oh.
How's living with Lyndsey? Oh, it's terrific.
That's great.
That's great.
If I could get rid of them Yes! A hundred times yes!