Friends s09e22 Episode Script

Oh, that feels so good.
Oh, lucky me.
Coffee and a live sex show.
- I'm sorry, what? - I'm sorry.
- Nothing.
I was just reading to Emma.
- From "Cosmo"? Yeah.
Yeah, it's: "Climax Your Way to Better Skin.
" So I have to go shopping today, which is my least favorite thing.
I'm so bad at picking out clothes.
So you need someone who knows fashion to tell you what looks good.
Not me.
Not me.
Not me.
- Oh, hey, Rach? - Yeah? - Maybe you could take Charlie shopping? - Oh, well - I'm sure you have better things to do.
- You kidding? Rachel loves to shop, and she has great taste.
She's the one that taught me not to wear white after Labor Day and to always, always, always put on underwear when trying on clothes.
If you have the time, I'd really appreciate the help.
Okay.
Yeah, let's shop.
Okay, you are gonna come back with some very classy clothes.
And some slutty lingerie.
Slutty! Okay, great.
All right, bye.
Pain in the ass! - That's off, right? - What's the matter, Pheebs? Mike's sister just invited me to a party tonight and he's gonna be there.
She was like, "Don't worry.
I asked him and he's totally okay with seeing you.
" So now I have to go so he'll think that I'm totally okay with seeing him.
- Which you're not.
You're hung up on him.
- Exactly.
You want him to eat his heart out, so you have to look fabulous.
I didn't even think about that.
Sexual politics! Pheebs, I'm taking Charlie shopping.
- Come and I'll help you find something.
- That'd be great.
Oh, isn't that nice? The three of you, trying on slutty lingerie together.
- That's not what we're gonna do.
- Why'd you ruin it? Who was I hurting? The One With The Donor mrnch@dh.
net.
mk Subtitle Editor (c) Digital Higherground - Igor Janevski, 2004 Fortunately, she has a very pretty face.
I still can't believe this.
My uterus is an inhospitable environment? I've always tried so hard to be a good hostess.
I can't believe my sperm have low motility.
While I was growing up, they sure seemed to be in a hurry to get places.
- Hi there.
- Hi.
I'm sorry there wasn't better news from your tests last week but I wanted to talk to you about your options.
Okay.
Even though your chances of conceiving through natural means aren't great you never know, so keep having sex on a regular basis.
Oh, damn it! Don't worry.
After a while, you'll tune it out.
Given your situation, the options with the greatest chances for success would be surrogacy or insemination using a sperm donor.
If you feel that neither of those is right for you, you could always adopt.
Is that a hint? Because we love you, Dr.
Connelly, but we don't want you to be our child.
Wow! Talk about an inhospitable environment.
Hi.
Okay, you ready to go pick up Phoebe and go shopping? - Let's do it.
- All right, have a good time.
Not gonna find any clothes in there.
- Hey, you guys.
- Hi.
Guess who's up for keynote speaker at the National Paleontology Conference? - Chris Bailey? - Yeah, right.
When was the last time he made a submission deadline for an abstract? Why are you laughing? Just seeing what it'd be like to be a paleontologist.
It's fun.
Yeah.
So you're up for keynote speaker? - Who's deciding? - Professor Sherman.
- I'm meeting with him today.
- He's a pretty tough guy to impress.
I think I know how to dazzle him.
You're not gonna to do a magic trick, are you? No.
- Hey, guys.
- I want to ask you something.
I may get to speak at this paleontology convention.
If I do, I'd love for you guys to come and hear me.
I think I can safely say that we all have family issues, work and/or are sick.
- It's in Barbados.
- But you come first.
I'm there.
- We'll see you guys.
- Bye.
See you.
- So how did it go at the fertility clinic? - Not as much fun as last time.
Apparently, you only get porn if you're giving a sperm sample.
So, what did the doctor say? There's surrogacy, but Monica's dreamt her whole life of carrying a child and she just felt that watching a surrogate would be too hard for her.
- So you're ruling out surrogacy? - Yeah.
So I don't have to learn what that means? Aside from adoption, the only other choice is insemination so we're talking about sperm donors.
Enough said.
I'm there for you, man.
Where is she, upstairs? How do you feel about all this? I wish there was an easier way for us to have a child, but there isn't one.
Come on, Ross, be a good guy.
Step up and do it.
What? What?! No! I'm not gonna give them Ben! The data we're receiving from MRI scans and DNA testing of these fossils are staggering.
I mean, we've been accepting Leakey's dates as a given.
But if they're off by even a 100,000 years or so then you can just throw most of our assumptions you know, right in the trash.
So, what I'm saying is Is that Is that repercussions could be huge.
I mean, not just in paleontology, but if you think about it in evolutionary biology, genetics, geology.
I mean, truly, the mind boggles.
Well, that's not what you want.
- Incentive for Men? - I'll take some of that.
- Pheebs, that's for men.
- I know.
When I go to the party later Mike will know I'm over him because I'll smell like another guy.
Okay.
Oh, good, I'm dating a Russian cabdriver.
Seriously, does anyone buy this? I smell like beets.
I really like those jackets with the shoulder pads in them.
Where are those? On Melanie Griffith in "Working Girl".
I think what you want is over here.
See, I told you I needed someone.
By the way, as a thank you, I would really love to take you out.
- Really? - Joey and I are going to a movie tonight.
- You want to come? - Oh, I can't.
Because I've seen them.
You've seen all the movies? Yeah.
I'm a big fan.
Of the movies.
You know, motion pictures.
The talkies.
Rach, will you come with me to a dressing room? - Sure.
- Okay.
Maybe we could do something else.
You know, that depends on what it is.
I've done a lot of stuff.
So, what were you doing out there? Do you not like Charlie? She's okay.
I don't know, I just don't get a really good vibe from her.
- Why? - I don't know.
You know, just the way she waltzed in here all smart and tall, you know and just swept Joey off his feet.
Nobody else has a chance.
Who else? Anybody.
You.
Me.
You know, Monica's mom.
You like Joey?! Phoebe! All right, look, I do.
I have a little thing for him.
Just - Oh, my God.
- It's just physical.
I have it totally under control, okay? It's just when I see them together sometimes, I just get a little jealous.
Wow.
Isn't that ironic that he liked you, and now you like? I get it! All right, as long as it's under control.
You can't do anything about it.
He's already dating her.
She is a nice person.
That wouldn't be right.
I know, I know.
So it's just not a big deal.
- So can we keep this between us? - Sure.
Great, because I gotta get out of here.
The smell of beets is killing me.
Any chance Charlie has a deaf twin? - Hi, honey.
- Hey.
I brought a friend home for dinner.
This is Zack from work.
Oh, of course.
It's so nice to see you again, Zack.
- You too.
- You guys haven't actually met before.
But, boy, you're both polite.
Have a seat.
I'll get you a beer.
- I got it.
- Thanks.
- So Zack's pretty nice, huh? - Yeah, I guess.
So how would you like to have a baby that's half yours and half his? Excuse me? We're talking about sperm donors, and Zack may be the guy.
Look.
He's intelligent, he's healthy, he's athletic.
I mean, he's sperm-tastic! Chandler, this is crazy.
Well, what did you even say to him? "Come up.
Meet my wife.
Give us your sperm.
" I invited him to dinner so you'd get a chance to get to know him.
With a sperm bank, you never meet the guy, get to check him out.
- Chandler! - I'm telling you, he's great.
I mean, even if my sperm worked fine, I think he'd be the way to go.
I'm not going to be a part of this.
You can't bring some random guy home and expect him to be our sperm donor.
Okay.
- Zack? - Thanks.
Do you have a coaster? I don't want to make a ring.
Tell me about yourself, Zack.
Oh, God, do you think she heard? Lt'd be so bad if she heard.
Maybe she didn't hear.
I'll go into that dressing room and talk.
You stay here.
- See if you can hear me.
- Okay, great.
Oh, thank God, I can't hear a word that you're saying.
- I didn't say anything yet.
- Well, get back in there and talk.
I'm Rachel.
It's so annoying when I put Emma on the phone to talk with my friends.
What? Well, some things are just hard to say to your face.
Okay, well, I heard that.
Which means that she heard it too.
- We have a problem.
- Oh, what are we gonna do? Just be honest with her.
Oh, my God! It is annoying when parents put babies on the phone.
All right, enough out of you! - Hello? - I need to talk to Charlie.
Is she there? No, she went shopping with Rachel.
Why? What's up? I'm meeting with Professor Sherman about my being the keynote speaker.
- How's it going? - It could be better.
He fell asleep.
What? But I already bought my ticket to Bermuda! - Barbados.
- Fine, I'll rent a car and drive.
You have to get that job.
What am I supposed to do? He's out cold.
In fact, he was just talking in his sleep before and evidently he wants someone named Fran to "spank him harder.
" - Well, just wake him up.
- I can't.
If he realizes that I'm the one who put him to sleep, I won't get the job.
That's a tough one.
Oh, wait a minute.
This happened to me before.
Yeah, I was auditioning for a play, and the producer fell asleep.
L No, wait a minute.
It was me who fell asleep.
I mean, hey, Shakespeare, how about a chase scene once in a while? - Hey, guys, dinner's ready.
- I'm gonna go wash up first.
Thanks.
What do you think? I want his genes for my kid.
Those eyes, those cheekbones.
Okay, there's enthusiastic, and there's just plain gay.
- You don't like him.
- I think he's fine.
But we don't know anything real about him.
- I wish we could get more information.
- All right, just follow my lead.
- You guys have a great place here.
- Thanks.
I'm crazy about our place.
Hey, speaking of crazy do you have a history of mental illness in the family? No.
Although, I did have an uncle who voted for Dukakis.
That's really not the kind of thing we're looking for.
Okay.
So tell me, how'd you guys meet? Oh, friends first, drunk in London, you know the story.
I've got a better question for you: Do you or any of your blood relatives have diabetes? No.
Heart disease? Alzheimer's? Gout? You guys don't have people for dinner a lot, huh? We're just making conversation.
Yeah, well, okay.
I heard a joke today.
It's pretty funny.
You know what's not funny? Male pattern baldness.
You guys have shown a lot of interest in me tonight, and I'm flattered and quite frankly, a little frightened.
Can we just talk about something else? - Sure.
- All right.
This ravioli's delicious.
I notice you're enjoying that ravioli with a beautiful set of teeth.
Did you have braces as a child? - No, I didn't.
- Yes! We're teeth people, Zack.
Let's just do it.
Let's just go over there and see if she heard.
- Good plan.
- Okay.
- What? Where are you going? - Oh, I'm sorry, Rachel.
I don't have time for your childish games, okay? I still have to find something incredible to wear so I can beat Mike at "Who's More Over Who"! - Where have you been? - Trying on clothes.
Oh, really? In the dressing room? Well, that's so weird.
Phoebe and I were in the dressing room.
Gosh, it's just such a small world.
Rachel, I heard you two guys whispering.
Oh, God, you did, you heard.
Okay, look, let me explain.
There's nothing to explain.
I heard you.
Phoebe likes Joey.
Yeah.
I don't understand it.
I mean, Phoebe likes Joey and then she's here to buy a dress to impress another guy? Yeah, that's Phoebe.
That's Phoebe.
You know, she just wants them all.
It's, like, she's nympho.
- Wow! - Yeah.
You know, by the way, I heard you tell her not to do anything.
Thanks for sticking up for me.
God, you are such a nice person.
I try.
Oh, my God, you really want me to be the keynote speaker? Thank you! You're welcome.
Wow! You look stop-eating hot! Which is like the highest level of hotness.
Okay, are you sure? Because I am really dreading going to this party.
Then don't go.
Mike knows I'm coming.
If I don't show up, he'll think it's because of him and then I'm gonna lose face.
That's a very serious thing in my culture.
All right, then you go to that party, and you pretend to be over Mike.
Afterward, you come to my place and I'll get you good and drunk.
You got it.
Okay.
But not on the wine that you made, okay? Because I just don't want to go back to the emergency room.
David? Phoebe! Hi.
- Oh, my God! - Hi.
Wow! You look unbelievable.
Oh, yeah, well What are you doing here? Well, I'm back from Minsk.
Permanently.
Well, what happened? Remember how I was trying to achieve the positronic distillation of subatomic particles? Yeah.
Well, after eight years of research, I discovered that it can't be done.
Well great that you're back.
How are you? - Good.
Good.
Life is good.
- Good.
Well, I'm seeing someone.
- Good for you.
- Yeah.
She's also a scientist, so she's very smart and pretty and It's actually because of you that we're together.
I mean, I saw what you had with that Mike guy and I just said, "Boy, I want that.
" - Mike and I broke up.
- You're kidding me.
Because I'm not seeing anybody.
I just totally made that up.
- Really? - I don't know why, I'm sorry.
I guess I just didn't want to lose face.
I understand.
Yeah.
Okay.
So then, okay So we're both living in New York, not seeing anyone.
- That's so not like us.
- Yeah, I know.
Well, this is probably a stupid question, seeing that you look like that but do you have someplace that you need to be right now? Well No.
- Well, do you want to get a drink? - I'd love to.
- Great.
- Okay.
Do you smell beets? All right, stay upwind of me.
Hey, there's Phoebe.
Is that Mike she's with? No, that's David.
There's a third guy? Tip of the iceberg.
I'm gonna take off now.
You're gonna let me go home, aren't you? Sure you don't want to stay a little longer? No, I should get home.
I'm kind of tired.
Are you always tired? Because that could be a sign of clinical depression.
No, it's tiring to figure out the age at which all my grandparents died.
- I'll see you tomorrow.
- Okay.
Bye.
I think we found our sperm.
He does seem pretty perfect.
Yeah? You think so? Should I ask him? No.
Why not? Just because his great-grandmother was obese? Our kid's gonna get that from you anyway.
No, that's not it.
It's just that when we were asking him all those questions before I just realized I don't care if he is the most perfect guy in the world.
- He's not you.
- Yeah, he's better! No, he's not.
If I can't get pregnant with you, then I don't want to get pregnant by him or anyone else.
- Really? Are you sure? - Yeah, I'm sure.
Thank God, because I don't wanna do this either.
I was just doing it because I thought that was what you wanted.
I'm the husband.
I'm supposed to bring the sperm.
That is so sweet.
I love you.
So you know this leaves us with Adoption.
How do you feel about that? I think I feel okay about it.
Actually, I think I feel really good about it.
Me too.
I wanna find a baby that needs a home, and I wanna raise it with you.
And I wanna mess it up in our own specific way.
So this is it? We're really gonna adopt? Yeah.
- Oh, my God! We're gonna be parents! - We are gonna be great parents.
And it could be soon.
I mean, think about it.
Right now, somewhere out there our baby could be being conceived.
Wait.
If we're lucky, and we're really, really, really quiet we may be able to hear the sound of a condom breaking.
Hey, Zack.
Hey, Chandler.
I wanted to apologize for last night.
I got the feeling we made you uncomfortable.
- No, you didn't.
- Really? No, you did.
My wife and I have some boundary issues.
Sometimes we ask inappropriate questions.
We're working on it.
- Here are the boards for Friday's pitch.
- Thank you.
You wouldn't know if Jeanette's planning on keeping her baby, would you?