Not Going Out (2006) s10e00 Episode Script

1 # We're not going out # Not staying in # Just hanging around With my head in a spin # But there is no need to scream and shout # We're not going out We are not going out.
BIRD CAWS DRAMATIC ORGAN MUSIC THUNDERCLAP Huurrghhh Huurrghhh GRUNTING AND GROANING Huurrghhh Hurry up, Dad! Zombies are supposed to be slow.
But they run around in Resident Evil Apocalypse.
Actually, they weren't zombies, they were mutations.
CBeebies is getting a bit edgy, isn't it? RIPPING Years of misusing that arm.
I told you it would grow too strong and fall off.
I don't know why we're trick-or-treating anyway.
We're teaching the kids to be Americans.
No, we're not.
You finished building the wall yet, Donald? Make Halloween great again.
Don't worry, next week it's back to more sensible British traditions, where we celebrate a 400-year-old terrorist conspiracy by setting fire to a scarecrow.
HE GROANS AND BURPS Nice.
Sorry, I'm a bit gassy.
What exactly did you put in that pumpkin and sprout pie? If only there were some clues in the name.
This house is so spooky.
Perhaps we should have stayed on our street.
It's so middle-class on our street.
People keep on giving us fruit.
Well, hang on! You know the rules, we only do trick-or-treat on houses that have Halloween decorations.
THUNDERCLAP But there are cobwebs and candles.
And there's a black cat! And there's a spooky Halloween message on the door.
I don't think these are Halloween decorations.
You mean there's a real-life witch in there? Course not.
It's Halloween.
She'll be out working.
Trick or treat! Hello! Witch?! Benji! Stop it! Yeah, look what she did to the last lot of people that knocked.
HE YELPS What? Come on, we're going.
I thought you said zombies couldn't run! Yeah, well, this is a high-speed stagger.
DOOR CREAKING DRAMATIC ORGAN MUSIC, THUNDER Look at all those scary treats.
Slimy lollipops, spooky eyeballs.
Morbid obesity.
Aw! Take a photo of them, Lee.
To remember what they look like.
What, with teeth? Where's my phone? You had it at that spooky house.
I told you not to cut holes in your pockets.
I was getting into character.
Lee, you were playing a brain-dead zombie.
You were born for this.
I probably just dropped it when we came in now.
Let me ring it from your phone.
Mine! That one's mine! Quiet, everyone.
I'm sure we wouldn't miss a Scooby-Doo ringtone.
He bought it off iTunes for 6.
99.
You paid 6.
99 for a Scooby-Doo ringtone?! I would have got away with it, too, if it wasn't for those pesky kids.
LINE RINGS CALL CONNECTS Hello? RATTLING, HEAVY BREATHING Hello? WOMAN: Go away! CALL DISCONNECTS The line's gone dead.
It must have been the owner of that house.
Either that or Siri's had a very tough day.
Oh, good, you know where your phone is.
Exactly.
Mystery solved.
Fancy a cup of tea? Well, aren't you going to go and get it? What? Now? Yeah.
You're not scared, are you? No! Well, go on, then.
I was thinking of upgrading anyway.
What to, a backbone? Just go and get it.
All right! It's no big deal.
Leave a trail of breadcrumbs, Daddy, so you can find your way back.
GATE CREAKS OWL HOOTS THUNDER RUMBLES Hello? It's me.
I've come back.
Not from the dead, from my house.
We spoke earlier on the phone.
Well, I spoke.
You sort ofscreeched.
CAT YOWLS Well, you're obviously busy.
Perhaps I'll pop back tomorrow.
When the sun's up.
SCOOBY-DOO RINGTONE PLAYS FAINTLY RINGTONE CONTINUES, PHONE BUZZES Excuse me! That's my phone.
Hello? Don't worry, I'm justjust going to try to get my phone.
Nothing to worry about.
I'm armless! I'm only joking, I'm fully armed.
I'm not armed! It's a replica.
Not a gun! What I mean is, no-one's going get hurt CAT YOWLS Aaargh! That's the amazing thing about us humans.
No matter how you drop us, we always end up landing on our arses.
Where's that phone? OMINOUS CREAKING RASPY BREATHING HE BURPS So this is where the Addams Family hold their wakes.
Sure, keep your windows locked.
We wouldn't want burglars stealing your priceless collection of antiqueshit.
CLANG! LATCH CLICKS CAT SCRATCHES AT DOOR DOORBELL RINGS Mrs Hoskins? It's me, PC Banks! Oh, it's that nice policewoman.
I thought it was more of those silly trick-or-treaters.
Come on, Monty, let's go down and say hello.
And I must get this door fixed.
Ooh! Oh, Monty! Oh, I'm glad I found you.
I've been looking for you all over this house.
DOORBELL RINGS Oooh! Hello, Mrs Hoskins, how are you? I'm fine, dear.
Now, I've done what you said.
I haven't answered the door to any trick-or-treaters.
Good.
I had one family come earlier.
Mum and kids seemed OK, but the dad looked dodgy.
There's been a lot of burglaries in this area and I don't want you to be next.
I'd better lock that dining room window.
CAT SCREECHES Oh, Monty! Oooh, come back! He's not allowed out, otherwise he doesn't come back for days.
I'll get him, you shouldn't be running round in your condition.
No, I'll get him.
I'm not dead yet, you know! You could have fooled me! Come on, Monty, come to Mummy.
Oh, there you are.
I heard a noise.
It must have been that bed pan toppling off the wardrobe.
I must have dislodged it when I was closing my doors.
Honestly, everything's fine.
Every window and door in the house is locked.
Nobody can get in and nobody can get out! And nobody's got a spare key except Monty.
Right.
Here's your keys and your panic alarm.
I'll put them in my pocket.
Yes, you can't be too careful.
We've had reports of burglars dressing up in Halloween costumes to trick people - and we don't want any unnecessary stress on that heart.
You've only just had the operation.
Yes, I know.
The doctor already told me one tiny little shock and I could drop down dead.
OK, well, lock the front door when I've gone - and no watching any Halloween horror films! No.
No monsters for me.
SHE BABBLES Oh, dear.
Oh Sorry.
It's all right, Monty.
Ahhhhh! Hi, Frank.
Grandad Frank, you're too old for trick or treat.
Oh, so you don't want these toffees, then? Actually, Frank, they've had enough sweets for one day.
Give over.
There's no such thing as E numbers since Brexit.
What are you dressed as? Well, I'm 200 years old and I sleep in a coffin.
And I'll give you a clue, it's not your Grandad Geoffrey.
Where's Lee? I rang his mobile before but there was no answer.
He went looking for his phone, but he's been gone ages.
I'm a bit worried.
Is it not insured? Worried about Lee.
Oh.
Is HE not insured? He went to that old house on the corner of Elm Street.
Can you go and look for him? Of course.
I need to find Lee, anyway.
It's Pie and Monster Mash night down at the Queens and I can't go on me own.
Why not? I'm skint.
MONTY MEOWS It's all scary films tonight.
Oh, what's this? The Shining.
Oh, now, that sounds nice.
And, ooh, it's set in a hotel.
Oh, we like The Exotic Marigold, don't we, Monty? Happy Halloween! And what better way of celebrating than scaring an old woman to death? MONTY MEOWS I know how you feel, mate.
Does she ever open any of these doors?! Yes, she does! When you go out, she comes after you.
Go on, Monty, out you go.
Come on.
You scratch my back MONTY YOWLS Come on, out you go, Monty.
Get your little paws out.
Go on, go on, there you go.
Now, however confusing this seems, start trying to get back in again.
Urrrgh! Urgh, get off! Oooooh, I hate spiders.
Horrible little bloodsuckers.
Hello? GLASS SMASHING, GIRL SCREAMING ON TV SCREAMING ON TV Oooh! Ooh I think this might be too much for my heart, Monty.
Monty? MONTY YOWLS Monty! How on Earth did you get back outside? You silly puss! Monty, come to Mummy, come on.
Monty SHE MUMBLES TO HERSELF Monty! Monty! Come to Mummy, Monty! SCOOBY-DOO RINGTONE PLAYS My phone! Lee? Oh, who needs a phone in prison anyway? And it's an iPhone Plus.
They're not quite as easy to smuggle in the traditional way.
BOTH SCREAM Dad?! Lee? What the hell's going on? DOOR CREAKS What the hell are you doing here? There was no answer.
So I just walked in.
You just walked into a stranger's house? Why, how did you get in? Climbed through the window.
Which is much more acceptable etiquette?! SHE WHIMPERS Oh, great! What's going on? I accidentally got locked in this house and now I'm trying get out.
Well, why don't you just explain that to the owner? I was going to, but .
.
I was scared.
What did you think she was going to do, ask you to open a difficult jam jar? Monty, there you are.
Making that terrible screaming noise! Come here.
It's enough to wake the dead.
This is ridiculous.
I'm going to tell her what's happened and tell her to let us out.
You can't.
A policewoman came round earlier and warned her about burglars in the area dressed in Halloween costumes.
Oh, great.
They're going to take one look at my record and bang me up.
Well, I'm not going to prison.
Especially without the benefit of actually having nicked anything.
Oh, don't worry, Dad.
You won't be getting done for theft.
It'll be murder.
We can't just kill her! What? I mean, she's just had major heart surgery.
The shock of seeing us might finish her off.
There must be some way out of this house.
The whole place is locked up.
And the keys are in her pocket.
Let's wait until she's fallen asleep then nab it out of her pocket.
That might not be for hours! We need to find a spare key.
She said Monty had one.
Who's Monty? The cat.
The cat's got a spare key? Does it also wear a straw boater and taunt Officer Dibble? I'm just telling you what she said! Where the hell's the cat keeping a key? Because if it's where I'm thinking it is, that's more like a tea-towel holder.
There must be another key somewhere and I'm going to find it.
Stay here! And don't nick anything.
Argh! SHE SNORES Meow! Meow! Time for a quick Halloween game of Bobbing for Keys.
For the love of God, there's got to be a spare key somewhere.
Monty's spare key? Who says zombies are brain-dead?! Gotcha! Gotcha! ALARM BLARES Argh! Argh! BOTH SCREAM How do you turn it off? ALARM STOPS Trick or treat? What's happened? You know how you said, "Don't kill her"? Yeah? I think I've killed her! THUNDER RUMBLES WHISPERS: What do you mean, killed her? WHISPERS: I mean Why are we whispering? I've murdered the old bat! What did you do that for? I was just trying to get into the spirit of Halloween.
I didn't do it on purpose! Oh, God! PHONE RINGS Don't answer it! The alarm went off.
If we don't answer it, they'll send the police.
HIGH-PITCHED SCOTTISH ACCENT: Hello? Is that Mrs Hoskins? Aye.
This is the alarm monitoring service, Mrs Hoskins.
We see you've activated your panic alarm.
Is everything all right? Oh, yes, fine, fine.
I pressed it by mistake.
Why Scottish? As long as you're OK.
Oh, yes, yes.
Sorry to have troubled you.
That's what we're here for.
If you'll just give me the password, I can reset the system and leave you in peace.
The what? The password.
That you set up with us, for security.
The password, right.
Do you have it? Oh, I do, aye.
Don't you worry your head about that, dear.
We have to confirm that you're Mrs Hoskins.
I can confirm that.
Very old.
Grey hair.
White dress.
That's me.
So if you could just give me the password.
Why don't you tell me? What? Well, how do I know who you are? You'll be after my credit card details next.
So why don't you tell me the password and I'll say if you're right or wrong? I'm sorry, Mrs Hoskins, but I do have to confirm your password or send the police round.
Oh, no, no, no, I'll tell you the password.
Great.
When you're ready.
Right.
How many chances do I get? Please just give me the password now.
Is it "television"? No, it isn't "television".
Good, good, you've passed the test.
Thank you.
Mrs Hoskins, this is your last chance.
It's a terrible line, I can hardly hear you.
If you don't give me the password right now, I'm phoning the police.
MONTY YOWLS Is it "cat"? No.
Monty! Monty - my final answer.
That's the one.
Thank you, Mrs Hoskins, have a peaceful evening.
Oh, thank God! I thought I was losing my marbles.
Goodnight.
Well done, son.
That's a relief.
Yeah, thank God we've only got this old woman's corpse to worry about.
You can't blame me for that.
I mean, it's sad - but you said yourself, she's very old and she had a heart condition.
Yeah.
Being woken suddenly on Halloween with a panic alarm and finding the Prince of Darkness looming over you probably had nothing to do with it.
Oh, bloody hell! What have we done?! Please forgive me.
Well, forgive him, it was mainly his fault.
SHE SNORES I think it's time to start whispering again.
FOX HOWLS Oh, looks like I won't need this.
Shame.
I nicked it especially.
Well, it might come in handy if anyone's at home.
THEY LAUGH At least I found these.
We don't need them.
I found a spare key.
Guess what? I didn't need to set off a panic alarm or almost scare an old lady to death to get it! Come on, let's go.
What, and just leave her here? You're right, let's take her home with us on the bus as a souvenir of a lovely evening.
We need to make sure she's OK, Dad.
She's got a serious medical condition and she's just had a nasty shock.
Yes, and if we bring her round, she's going to have another one.
Of course, help would have been here right now if Mrs Doubtfire hadn't stood down the alarm people.
All right, what about this? We'll phone an ambulance anonymously and then we'll wait outside and check that she's safe.
OK.
I'm going to go with a Chinese accent.
That's weird.
There's no dial tone.
It was working all right a minute ago.
We're just going to have to find a phone box.
What, call an ambulance from there? No, I mean leave her in there with a note pinned to her nightie.
Yes, phone an ambulance from there.
SHE SNORES That cat's got big feet.
Its claws are pretty sharp, too.
The phone cable's been cut.
Maybe the old woman didn't pay her bill.
I don't think BT send a man round with a Stanley knife.
They're robbing her.
Well, we're about to dial 999, anyway.
We'll just ask for two emergency services - the ambulance and the police.
We'll have to do more than that, Dad.
What? Flood the basement and call the coastguard, as well? I mean we have to go in there and rescue her.
They might hurt her.
You're right.
Good luck.
You've got me skin! Argh! It's all crap.
There's nothing worth nicking.
Speak for yourself, mate.
I found an iPhone Plus.
Let's just get her out of this house safely, just let the police deal with the rest of it.
We're going to have to wake her up again.
Not with that! We're trying to get her out of here quietly! Don't worry, Mrs Hoskins.
There's nothing to be frightened of.
Well, there is.
Quite a lot actually Shut up.
Oh.
Perhaps if I tell him I'm not a virgin, he won't bite me neck.
Oh, Monty.
Oh What if she screams again? Don't worry, we'll just explain that she needs to follow us, otherwise she might get coshed on the head.
Let me do the talking.
You won't need that.
I'm telling you, the place is empty.
Best be safe.
This crowbar is brand-new, I need to break it in.
Oh, hello! It's the ghost of Thora Hird.
Come on, Grandma.
Tell us where you keep the cash and I might not hurt you.
Hello? Urgh, you're not dead, are you? Argh! Argh! THUDDING AND GRUNTING Argh! Who the hell are you? The undead? I can soon change that.
DONK! I think we need to phone that ambulance.
Damn right you do Trick or BLEEP treat, you thieving little Count! ALARM BLARES Let's just wait here quietly till the police have arrived.
SIREN WAILS Found my phone.
Ha! That's good, isn't it? Look, I'm really sorry about our stupid behaviour, Officer.
You could have given me a heart attack.
Don't worry, we believe your story - but you did technically commit a crime against Mrs Hoskins.
She did technically whack me over the head with a crowbar.
I didn't get to hit that one, though.
That's easily solved.
Can I also point out we did catch the real burglars? The real burglars that you let into the house.
They were going to break in anyway.
They might not have succeeded.
Course they would.
All they would have needed to do was wedge the crowbar against the strike plate and then lever out Enough, Dad.
It is true that we've been eager to speak to those gentlemen for some time now - and so, after discussing the matter with Mrs Hoskins, we've decided we're in no hurry to press charges against you at this time.
You're free to leave.
Oh.
Thank you.
That's good.
Maybe next year you should leave the dressing up to the little ones.
And I don't mean your dad.
Come on, Dad.
Let's go.
Oooh! Oooh SHE GROANS What? Am I the only one with sense of humour? EVIL CACKLE # We're not going out # Not staying in # Just hanging around with my head in a spin # But there is no need to scream and shout # We're not going out We are not going out.