Live at The Apollo (2004) s10e01 Episode Script

1 Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Sarah Millican! Hello! Good evening, and welcome to Live At The Apollo! Welcome to the show.
How are you, are you well? Yes! Excellent, good work.
It's lovely to be here.
You know sometimes in comedy you laugh at things because it's familiar, it's a shared experience.
Sometimes you laugh because you're just glad you're not me.
Let's see if this has happened to anybody else.
Whenever I'm on the phone to me mam, it always makes me need a poo.
Give us a "whoo" if that's happened to you.
Whooo! See, I've looked into it, it's a closeness issue.
It means that me and those people who whoo-ed, we love our mams more than the rest of you lot love yours.
I love my mam so much, it makes me shit.
Try getting that on a balloon for Mother's Day.
Thank God for Moonpig.
But I bought a house, quite recently.
I wanted to buy a house because I'd lived in flats for 16 years and I really missed going upstairs to bed.
Not through the kitchen.
UPSTAIRS to bed.
I was sitting only a few months later, upstairs in bed, quite smugly, just thinking, "This is the life.
I've arrived.
"I'm upstairs in bed.
" And then I thought, "Oh, no, now I've got to go downstairs for food.
" What I really wanted My parents have both always lived near a park and I'd always been able to see a tree out of my bedroom window, so that became a priority when I was house-hunting.
I wanted to be able to see a tree out of my bedroom window.
But it became very clear that I'm not massively suited to country living, having lived in the city centre for so long.
I drove along a lovely country lane, lovely country lane, and I saw a white marquee tent and instead of thinking, "Ooh! "Somebody's having a lovely summer party.
" I just thought, "Ooh, someone's been murdered.
" I found a house that I liked, I got a survey done.
The survey came back and it meant nothing to me at all.
Luckily, I've got a friend who's a builder, he said, "Let me have a look and I'll put it into layman's terms.
" Smashing.
Give us a cheer if you own your own home.
Give us a cheer if you rent.
Till now, I'd only ever rented.
I think there are phrases that mean nothing to those of us who rent that the rest of you understand.
My friend said, "There is one thing you will need.
" I said, "Oh, yeah, what's that?" He said, "You'll need a damp-proof course.
" And I genuinely said, "I haven't got time to go to college.
" One of the things that the house that I bought did have is a log burner.
I've never had a log burner before, I got quite excited by the log burner.
Not as excited as my fella did.
"He went, "Oh, my God, we'll be able to get a toasting fork, "and we'll be able to toast things!" And I thought, "He does know I've got a toaster, doesn't he?" He went to work, I went and bought a toasting fork, I was too excited.
I came back, grabbed a loaf of bread and thought, "I'm going to sit in front and work my way through.
Bloody love toast.
" Couldn't get it to work.
So I rang him.
He said, "How can it not work? It's fire and bread.
How can it not work?" So I told him what I'd been doing.
Turns out I should have had the little door open.
I might as well have been lying slices of bread on top of my radiator.
But when I moved, I had bits and bobs of furniture, not much, but I had some and I was trying to work out what would best go where.
I said to my fella, "I wish I had a tape measure.
" He said, "What do you need a tape measure for?" "I just want to know if that unit will fit in that alcove.
" He said, "I'll sort that out for you.
" "Have you got a tape measure?" He said, "No, I'm just good at that sort of thing.
"What do you mean?" "It's just an instinct I've got.
" And first of all, I thought, rubbish.
And then I thought, let's have a look.
This is quite a manly thing to be able to do.
If he can do this, maybe we'll see what else slots where.
So I said, "Go on, then, do it.
" This is what he did, he went exactly like this.
I said, "Is that it? You could have at least got your cock out "and done six inches, six inches, six inches" You know when you first move into somewhere new to you, you want to make a few changes so it feels a bit more like yours.
One of the things I really wanted My parents are both disabled and both getting on a bit in age.
Something I thought would be useful for when they stayed would be a grab rail in the shower.
I won't really notice it when I'm in the shower but how useful for when they visit.
So I got a grab rail fitted in the shower, and a month later, I had a friend round visiting, I was showing her round and I said, "Look, I've had a grab rail fitted in the shower.
" And she went like this.
"Oooh! Saucy!" I said, "I don't know what you're talking about, "but I'm trying to keep pensioners upright.
" And I told my dad, because I thought he'd find it funny.
He went, "Nah, nah, for that sort of business, you need two of them.
" But I've got two cats.
Have we got cat owners in? I've got two cats.
I don't know if you've tried to litter-train a cat, it's straightforward.
If they look like they're about to do something, you pick them up, plonk them in the litter tray, you hope for the best.
But our first cat, Chief Brody, named after the police chief in the film Jaws, he didn't cotton on for a while, kept having little accidents, poor bugger.
So, my fella and I were standing over the litter tray looking at it, looking at each other, going, "Is there anything we can be doing to help him that we're not?" And my fella, because he's so lovely, he looked down at the litter tray and he went, "Do you want me to do a shit in it to start him off?" No.
No, I really don't.
It would be end to end.
And the cat would be like, "Who the hell lives here? Aslan?" But I stopped buying women's magazines a few months ago.
Just feels like there's nothing in there for me.
Why would I buy anything where the only time I ever see anybody who looks a bit like me is underneath the word "before"? You know, there's a huge list of all the things that we, as women, are supposed to do to ourselves.
Cleanse, tone and moisturise.
I've never toned, I'm nearly 40, I've never toned and my skin is still on my face so it's obviously rubbish.
Hair removal is a whole subject all on its own, isn't it? There's so many different ways, as women, that we can remove our hair.
You can wax, you can shave, you can pluck, you can epilate.
My sister had laser treatment to her underarms, laser treatment.
And it was quite painful and quite expensive.
And after two months the whole lot just grew back in.
Which is terrible, but does go some way to explaining why James Bond was always so nonchalant when a laser was aimed at his cock and balls.
"Be champion, man, it will grow back in a couple of months.
" I realise I made James Bond a Geordie.
I can only apologise for that.
He so would never be a Geordie, would he? "Shaken not stirred.
" No.
My friend said to me, "You know why women are supposed to have hair down there, don't you?" And I said, "Is like your nose, so you don't get muck up it?" She said, "No.
" "Women are supposed to have hair down there "so that nature knows where your reproductive bits are.
" I said, "Why does nature need to know?" Surely as long as me fella's got a rough idea Why do all the deers and the rabbits need to know? Well, maybe the rabbits.
According to women's magazines, there's only two options for hair down there for women.
The options are all off or most off.
Give us a cheer if you think all off is the way to go.
Give us a cheer if you think most off is the way to go.
Still quite a lot of you left, isn't there? I can only assume that the rest of you are like me.
I just try to keep it in me pants.
Even if sometimes, that involves tucking it in.
In the legs, not in the top.
My fella and I were both going to work a few weeks ago, both fully dressed, just getting last-minute bits and bobs together.
And he was sitting at the kitchen table, putting his shoes on.
And I don't know why, but as I walked past him, I did a boob jiggle in his face.
I don't know, just one of those, like that.
I don't know why, he was at the right height, it felt like a wasted opportunity if I didn't do it.
And I thought he'd do that thing, when they go like that, brrrr! In between.
It's got a special name, does anybody know? Motorboating, thank you, because I always accidentally call it waterboarding.
It's only waterboarding if they're really sweaty.
That's what I thought he'd do, do that, brrrr! Like that.
He didn't.
He just stood up and did a boob jiggle back.
Now it's a thing that we do, and I don't know how to stop it.
But we've lived together for about a year-and-a-half now.
When I lived on my own, and really loved it, don't get me wrong.
But one of the things I love about living with somebody else is I like the unpredictability of it.
I like that every now and then a sentence comes out that I would never have said.
The most recent one, out of nowhere, he just went "Your shed's no good to have a wank in.
" And I said, "That's because it's a greenhouse, love.
" I've been with my fella now for nearly 10 years.
When you first get together with somebody, the first six months, especially if you have an inkling it might be long-term, those first six months together are just glorious.
You think each other are perfect.
And then after six months, you think, well, perfect's pushing it a bit.
There's a couple of things that could do with changing.
Then you've got a project, isn't it lovely having a project? There's only one thing I'd like to change about my fella, I need to tell you this first.
I love waving, I don't know why.
I've always loved waving, I love it when I wave and I love it when people wave back.
I'm going to wave to you now and see how many of you wave back.
Loads of you! Thank you very much, it makes me really happy and it's one of the main reasons I learned to drive.
My fella doesn't wave.
Doesn't occur to him in the slightest.
When we first got together, he dropped me off at the train station and I got out the car, I said, "I'll see you on Monday.
" He said, "Yeah, but I'll give you a ring when I get in tonight.
" And then I just checked that I was at the right entrance for the train station for my platform, and I turned to give him a little wave goodbye.
And the car was already in the distance.
A few years later, I was going to Australia for the first time, I was travelling alone, I was going to be away for six weeks, I was very nervous, understandably.
He dropped me off at the airport.
He helped me out of the boot With my case, sorry, that's bad, with my case, with my case.
And I said, "I'm going to miss you.
" He said, "I'm going to miss you too, but you're going to have an amazing time.
"We can Skype whenever you like.
"And I'll come and get you in six weeks on this very spot.
" Melt, melt.
And I checked my handbag to make sure I had my passport and my ticket.
And then I turned to give him a little wave goodbye.
And I could not see the car.
He was already on the motorway.
So I said to him only a few weeks ago, "You know the waving thing?" He said, "Did I forget to do it again? I'm sorry.
" "Don't worry, but you know how much I love it?" He said, "Yes, I know how much you love to wave.
" I said, "I was wondering if there was a bargaining thing we could do.
" He said, "I don't know what you mean.
" I said, "For example, is there anything I don't do "that you'd like me to start doing?" Turns out I'm not as bothered about waving as I thought.
What a lovely audience you are tonight.
Are you ready for your first act? Excellent.
Please give a lovely, warm Apollo welcome to the very wonderful Mr Joe Lycett! Wow! Lovely.
Hello.
Hello, are you well? Wonderful.
This is my voice, this is actually happening, don't worry.
I know I sound slightly ludicrous.
I'm not a homosexual.
Thank you for laughing at that.
Any gays in? There's a few.
Kill them! No You're not gay, in that shirt? Honestly? No, I'm bisexual, which means you're all at risk.
We'll start with you and work round, that's what we're going to do.
No, as you can tell, I'm an absolute lad.
I was just backstage having a lager and punching a woman, I don't know.
Yeah, that's the thing to cheer, yeah! That's what I came for, punching women gags.
I'm not very laddy at all.
I did something very unladdy recently in Birmingham.
I'm from Birmingham.
You'd never tell, would you? I never had the accent, I was born better but I I'm joking.
So, this is really unladdy, I was in the Touchwood shopping centre, which I think is the gayest name for a shopping centre, isn't it? You can have a lovely time there.
These two, roughly 14-year-old lads tried to mug me.
They came up to me and went, "Give us your wallet.
" I went "No.
" Then farted out of nervousness.
I was so terrified.
Absolutely terrified.
I said, "What are you going to do if I don't give you my wallet?" They were like, "We're going to head butt you.
" They'd be lucky because they are about this high Also, the head butt is the worst threat ever.
Cos, sure, hit someone in the head - that is a weak point, but what are you going to hit them with? My head.
That's like hitting someone in the balls with your balls, isn't it? We might do that later, who knows? I don't know where I got the confidence from, but I just went, "I've got a knife.
" I sort of did because I'd just been to Lakeland, so I did.
It wasn't a knife, it was a pizza wheel.
I don't stab them, I cut them into eight neat slices.
It was fine.
I'm not laddy, but I have a sort of naughty side.
I call it walrus.
That's because my spirit animal is a walrus.
Don't worry, I don't believe in any of this nonsense.
I don't believe in ghosts or that.
I hate when people say they believe in ghosts.
They say things like, "I saw a ghost at the end of my bed.
" It's always in a conveniently creepy place.
No-one ever goes, "I saw a ghost in Morrisons.
" It doesn't happen.
I was at this house party and there was a spirit healer there called Janet.
She was so smug, she looked like she was constantly pissing into a hot tub and getting away with it.
You know So smug.
She said, "I can tell you what your spirit animal is.
It's a walrus.
" "What do I do with this information, Janet?!" It's useless.
She said, "Walrus will talk to you and tell you to do things.
" "You should listen to that voice, that inner walrus.
" I shouldn't listen to my inner voice cos it's normally things like, "Kick that toddler!" Just a stream of unacceptable things But she kept saying, "Listen to the voice.
" She said, "I do normally charge for this service.
"It's normally £30, but as it's a party, "I'll do it for half-price, 15.
" I was like, "Walrus says you can piss off.
" The next day I found this walrus ring online by chance.
After searching four hours for one.
Since I've been wearing it, friends of mine think it's changed me.
They think I go into myself at social occasions, going, "What did you say, walrus? I couldn't possibly kill another prostitute.
" You know, silly things.
I've noticed that walrus comes out with real jobsworths.
I don't know if you've got this in London, in Birmingham we've an app where you can pay for parking on the app.
You don't have to buy a ticket.
I tried it for first time.
You put the location code in, put the code in, went into a nearby coffee shop.
Just got my coffee and a parking enforcement officer was next to my car.
That's what they call themselves.
With his little computer and a pen on a string, in case he drops it.
Dickhead.
He was putting my details in.
I went out and said I had paid for parking.
"Look, I've got a receipt on my phone.
"It was eight minutes ago.
" He looked and went, "No, this location code is for Leeds.
" I said, "Clearly I made a mistake.
" He said, "Well, I don't know that, do I?" I was like, "Yes, you do.
" "Because if I am lying then what you're suggesting I have done is parked in Leeds, "and then driven 120 miles in eight minutes.
"That's what you're suggesting I've done.
" "I've put into the computer now you'll have to complain at the office.
"It's only five minutes down the road.
" That's about three seconds in my hypercar! Got to the office.
Met sweaty Sharon.
Oh, my God.
It was so hot in that office.
She looked like a bit of wet scrambled egg in a chair So annoyed with life.
She had a thick Brummie accent as well.
She was talking to someone in the back office, she was going, "Is that you making me a cup of tea, Steve?" Then she looked at me and went, "The day I hear Steve making me "a cup of tea is the day I hear a rocking horse do a plop.
" That's the weirdest imagery I've ever heard.
I explained the situation to her, gave her the phone.
She looked at, looked at her computer, back to the phone.
She went, "This says Leeds.
" "I know, Sharon, I put the wrong code in.
" "You'll have to complain to the Leeds office.
" "I've not been in Leeds, Sharon.
" She looks again and she's like, "But how did you get here so quickly?" "You'd have had to break the speed limit.
" I would have had to break the speed of sound, Sharon! So annoyed.
I said, "Is there anywhere else I can talk to about this?" She said, "You could speak to Steve over there.
" I decided not to speak to Steve for a number of reasons, the main one being he was trying to eat a yoghurt with a pen lid.
I just didn't feel like he was competent.
You get a sense sometimes, don't you? So in the end I just had to leave.
Paid the fine.
Still got it to this day.
After I'd left, walrus was like, "You idiot.
"You could have done anything in there.
"You could've killed her.
" The perfect alibi.
"Where you when the murder happened?" This has been a dream come true.
I've been Joe Lycett.
Thank you so much.
Joe Lycett! Your next act is a great comic and a lovely man.
Please go wild for Mr Russell Kane.
Hello.
How are you doing, Apollo? Can't believe I am back again.
Sarah Millican, ladies and gentlemen, don't you love her? This show is watched the world over so it's great for trying to explain British humour.
British people give me cheer Most of us.
Who's not from the United Kingdom and Ireland, give me a cheer.
Where are you from? Australia.
Someone from Australia! Now, I'm sorry, I haven't even begun yet.
You see that lacklustre response? What's your name, mate? Nathan.
Nathan from Australia, ladies and gentlemen.
That's everything you need to know about the British attitude to social mores there.
I was on stage in New York recently, tiny little club and went, "Anyone from overseas?" There was someone from New Zealand.
The rest of the room, they went, "Oh, my God, New Zealand, "you're most welcome, hooray.
" "Welcome to our club, someone from overseas is in the room, "the energy is increased.
" Right? I come on, asking if there's anyone from overseas.
This gentleman goes, "I'm from Australia.
" Most of the people in this room went, "Go on, Russ, smash his head in.
" That's British humour.
The stereotype of us and Australia Any Americans in? Give me a whoop.
The stereotype of the Brits is this, we're still really awkward and inward, shuffling along with our top hats, unable to express ourselves, sexually repressed.
Boiling over at any moment.
That's true to a certain extent.
Most of us spend our lives like that.
What we also let out is the other side of being British which is, "let's go fricking mental!" There's nothing in between, yeah? Nearly every other culture in the world has an in between gear.
Not us.
Awkward silence or destruction.
Go abroad to a non-touristy part of Italy or Spain, and experience the shame as you walk through the town square on a Friday night.
What do you see? Families having drinks, civilised.
Nanas are out, children walking around.
"It's so safe in our town on a Friday night, hooray.
" Couples wobbling.
A little bit tipsy but not off their heads.
A paradise, ladies and gentlemen.
It couldn't be more different from Southend-on-Sea where I'm from, where Donna is slashing into a drain while Gary films her and says, "You're looking great on Instagram, babe, look at that, no filter.
" We don't have a medium.
Your Aussie there, he might go out on a Monday.
He'll have a few drinks on the Tuesday.
Maybe a get-together on Wednesday.
He's not going to save up the whole week and then detonate like a social psychopath on the Friday night.
Why would he? Not us.
Look at the face, nothing all week.
I don't smile.
I'll have a cup of tea on Monday, hot water on Wednesday, no food.
A mint leaf on Thursday.
It's Saturday! Smash up a bus stop.
Back to work on Monday.
We're like that sexually as well.
Could that be the reason we're so messed up as a culture sexually? It starts early.
Have we got any of our brilliant teachers in the room? Give me a cheer.
I think teachers are amazing.
I think this country is amazing so why have we got the highest teenage pregnancy in Western Europe? Why? I'll tell you why, cos we teach sex education at 14.
That's too late.
Scandinavian countries teach it at kindergarten.
With fuzzy felt.
"Look.
My willy is a fuzzy felt, children.
"It goes in the mother, a baby is born, it's logical.
" Right? But we'll not talk about sex.
We'll not discuss it.
We'll teach it at 14, too late.
Those of you with kids will know.
Five and six-year-olds, they start asking.
"Where do babies come from?" That's the age we should be teaching it, don't you think? You can draw a graph with the teenage pregnancy rate and how early sex education is taught in a culture.
Therefore, we should be teaching it earlier.
Even Nick Clegg came out with this one.
He didn't speak it verbally, he's so far embedded in David Cameron's arse, he had to tap it out with his foot.
Even Nick Clegg came out with, we should teach sex at primary school.
A woman appeared in the news saying, "It's disgusting.
"Absolutely vile that you could consider teaching sex to "an eight-year-old girl.
She's not thinking about sex.
"Why put the facts of sex into the head of the girl who's not "thinking about sex?" Do you know what? She's not thinking about maths or the Tudors either.
So let's not teach anyone anything.
Then see how far we get.
Do you know what else is weird? You can spot British people on holiday.
You don't need to hear a football chant or see a newspaper, or tattoo, you look across the pool, British.
We move different.
We even move slightly tight.
Look at the way the Aussie moves, he's loose.
He's moving every part of his body, the face is the last thing, shaking itself around everywhere.
Australian women actually orgasm like this Wah-wah-wah Have you never noticed it? I can tell looking in the front row who's English cos you're sat there, "Don't refer to me, please!" Posh people actually look at the floor when they lose their temper.
"I won't be spoken to like that.
"I do think Mr Farage has a point about Polish people.
"You'll leave my driveway immediately, thank you very much.
" Working-class people go backwards.
"Do not push me any further, mate, I will go" All the way to the floor.
Shrink.
Gesticulating from below the rib cage, how weird is that? Every other culture in the world, move their faces.
We don't move this top part of our face.
Most of us, if we're posh, we don't move the top part of our face at all.
Working class people draw in the top lip, no need for it whatsoever.
Yeah? I don't even need my mouth to lose my temper.
Could that be the reason And I think it is.
why we're so shit at second languages? Again, you can't blame the teachers.
I don't think the people in this room are thick.
Most of us just die of crushing embarrassment when we go to say a Spanish or French word.
Have you experienced that? You know the word but you can't do it.
You can't say "buenos dias".
You felt like a tit.
Right? You're not thick.
You're just trained to have a British face.
The correct way to say "buenos dias", as Spanish speakers will know is not like this.
"Buenos dias.
" It's like this, "Buenos dias!" Look at how much of my face I am using.
"Buenos dias.
Tiene usted papel higienico por favor?" "Do you've any toilet paper, mate?" You need that one on holiday.
To say I love you in almost any other language sounds amazing.
Italian What's your name, madam? Louisa.
That ruined it.
I was going to say, "Ti amo, Louisa.
" If I give an accent it's a bit better.
I'd like a Sambuca, per favore.
But it's "Ti amo".
Ti amo.
How beautiful is that? It's so expressive.
Even if you didn't know that meant I love you, it matches my face.
An Italian man probably dislocates his jaw if he's enough in love.
"Ti amo.
"I won't rest until my love is accepted.
" Can't be more different to how we declare our love in England.
"If you'd like to come to the conservatory please, Carole, "I've got something to tell you.
Thank you.
" "I love you.
Sorry, I'm sorry about that I've felt that way for some time.
" That's how we have sex as well, Mr Australia.
"Sorry, sorry, sorry, dear.
Sorry, dear, sorry.
Sorry if it's inconvenient.
"Sorry if it hurts.
Sorry.
Daily Telegraph, sorry.
" Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much for listening.
Keep supporting live comedy, keep watching live comedy.
I'm Russell Kane, thank you very much.
Good night.
Russell Kane! You've been an amazing audience.
Please show your appreciation for Joe Lycett, Russell Kane, I've been Sarah Millican, good night.