M*A*S*H (MASH) s10e01 Episode Script

- Marina, you gotta have somebody look at that.
- I'm fine.
Aspirins are helping.
Me, I was drafted in the last war.
They assigned me to the enemy.
- Hey! Whoo! - Hey! Hey! Whoo! All right! Mortars! Get down! - Are you hit? - No.
I'm okay.
It's her stomach.
She's been having pains.
- Let's check it out.
- Ow.
- Battalion Aid asked me to give these to you.
What are they? - The casualty reports.
Never thought I'd wind up as a carrier pigeon.
Bad belly wound.
Looks like he stopped their MiG with his stomach.
You'd better set up some plasma.
Okay, sol dier.
Uh, Captain Pierce? Over here.
Well, well.
Since when did they put a stewardess on this run? She's with the U.
S.
O.
Medic thinks it's her appendix.
Right down my alley.
I wrote the book on the appendix.
- I even wrote the appendix, but they took that out.
- Oh, it's okay.
I'm fine.
- Oh! Oh! - You showbiz folks, always with the funny walks.
Direct me to the nearest threshold.
- How long have you had these pains? - Just for a few days.
It wasn't too bad at first, but now it hurts like heck.
You can say "hell" here.
This is Korea.
If you can't say "hell" in hell where in hell can you say it? Now, before I take out your appendix, there's one question I always like to ask.
- Have you had your appendix out before? - Uh-uh.
Will there be a scar? Are you kidding? You're talking to Al Capone's personal plastic surgeon.
I must say, Pierce, I certainly do envy your surgical assignment.
How I'd love to sink my scalpel once again into a simple appendix.
It's such a useless, yet highly lucrative little organ.
Well, this useless little organ should've been registered as a concealed weapon.
Another couple of hours, and it could've ruptured.
You wanna snip that, and then let's close.
I'm gonna do a running subcuticular.
- I promised her the scar wouldn't be too noticeable.
- Professional reasons.
She's with the U.
S.
O.
Wouldn't it be wonderful if they could do a show for us here? Not a snowball's chance in the south of Hades.
The U.
S.
O.
Considers us small potatoes.
We're the place they stop to ask directions to the place they're going.
It's just as well.
We don't need mindless minstrels and baggy-pantsed barnstormers.
- Aren't Pierce and Hunnicutt enough? - Margaret, I need another hand.
Pam? - How's he doin'? - Not too well.
It's gonna be touch-and-go.
Miss Ryan, I believe you had a reservation for a single with a view of the other singles.
- Hey, it's a gal.
- I've seen her before.
She's a singer with U.
S.
O.
I caught her act at Kimpo.
Hey, miss.
Saw your show.
- You're terrific.
- This is no time to take a bow.
- Frank, get us a screen over here, will you? - Could she do a song later? Nah.
'Fraid not.
She opened and closed in one night.
Just some light roadwork, and stay off the heavy bag.
- I'll see you in the morning.
- Can you stay for a while? No.
You'd better get some rest.
Besides, I have to get over to the Mess Tent.
I'm working my way through busboy school as a doctor.
If he improves, he's gonna be a very sick young man.
Yeah.
It wouldn't hurt to get Father Mulcahy to put in a little overtime, huh? Right.
- That must be Marina's troupe.
- Hello.
Anybody home? Unless I'm mistaken, that's Brandy Doyle, the stripper.
- How would you know? - Well, I saw her picture in Life magazine.
- Uh, fully clothed.
- Oh, it can't be her.
The U.
S.
O.
Wouldn't send a burlesque queen to Korea.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Oh, hello, Father.
- Hiya, honey.
I'm Brandy Doyle.
- Hi.
Oh, well, how nice to meet you.
- Hi.
I'm Sarah Miller.
- Hello.
And I'm Ellie Carlyle.
We were told that Marina Ryan is here.
- She sure is, and she's doing real fine.
- Oh, glad to hear it.
Say, nice place you got here, but once a week, you gotta get someone in to dust.
You can do it, Rev.
You're a man of the cloth.
- You're very jocular.
- This is our emcee, Fast Freddie Nichols.
Say, as long as you're here, maybe you could do a show for our wounded? Oh, as spokesman for the group, we'd love to, but our schedule is very tight.
In fact, we're all drunk.
Now, where's Marina? - Oh, this way.
Come on.
I'll take you.
Come along.
- Uh, Father may I have a word with you in private? Of course.
Of course.
This way.
Hey! Hiya, guys! Yep.
You are not dreaming.
It is me in the flesh, so to speak.
- Who is that? - I don't know.
- Great to be here in Korea, the country with a Seoul.
- How are you feeling? - Oh, much better.
- I had to have an appendectomy.
- I had trouble with my appendix once but I couldn't afford the operation, so I had the doctor touch up the X-ray.
Hey, these cookies are dirty.
Listen to this.
"Confucius say man who chase woman in dark often end up with" - I got one about a traveling salesman.
- Please.
Fellas.
There are women present.
- Speak up so we can hear ya.
- That's the way.
- What's all the laughing? - Oh, Doc, these are my U.
S.
O.
Friends: Eleanor and Brandy.
- Hi, Eleanor.
- This is the wonderful man who saved my life.
Oh, I just cut along the dotted line.
- Fast Freddie, meet Captain Pierce.
- Captain Pierce.
- Hawkeye.
- "Suture" self, Doc.
Oh, I don't believe we've met.
- Uh, Major Charles Winchester.
Hiya.
- Winchester, huh? You must be the big gun around here.
I rarely get to meet a man of your caliber.
- Marina? - Sarah, hi.
- I want you to meet Dr.
Pierce.
This is Sarah Miller.
- Hi.
How are you? Nice to meet you.
Thanks for taking such good care of Marina.
Well, I'll tell you how you can pay me back.
We can turn post-op into a barn so you can turn it into a theater and put on a show for us.
- You can stay with us for the night and leave in the morning.
- No, they can't.
- Why? - We've gotta be on the road to the 121 st evac hospital.
It's not that far, and the roads are good.
They haven't gotten around to potholing them yet.
I'm sorry.
We just have time to grab a bite and move on.
- I'll have the Mess Tent prepare some food for you.
- Thanks.
Just make sure it's not chicken.
You know how the last base killed their chickens? They fed 'em the French toast.
- Hey, these guys know comedy.
- Freddie, they love you.
- Why don't we stay and do the show? - Oh, I don't know.
- Oh, come on.
- Come on, Freddie.
You wanna talk about army food? Those chickens were classified 4-F.
Fowl, fowl, fowl, fowl.
Oh, we'll do a show.
Don't tell me you think that guy is funny? He's the worst comedian I ever heard in my life.
- Then why are you laughing? - I don't know.
I'll do Marina's number again.
I assume she won't be up to it.
- You'll be lucky if she's up to applauding.
- Don't worry.
The show'll be great.
I'll have those guys in stitches.
- Huh, Charlie? - Yes? I'll have those wounded G.
I.
S in stitches! Somebody oughta stitch up that mouth.
It's an open wound.
It's a tragic story.
As a kid, he was beaten with a borscht belt.
- The accordion, eh? - Mm.
Very interesting.
Tell me, do you also play a musical instrument? Yeah.
Well, I see brass is certainly your specialty.
I was raised in Boston, you know, just a stone's throw from Symphony Hall.
Oh.
That's very interesting.
How many times did they hit you? That's quite a retort from our lady of Spain.
I don't believe it.
- Hey, what do two drunks do when they meet? - They shake! It is you! Fast Freddie Nichols, the funniest man ever to set foot on his ankles! - Oh, he also does cerebral humor.
- No.
For cerebral humor, he walks on his head.
I'm Corporal Max Klinger.
You won't believe this but once, I drove six hours to catch your act.
And your nose made it in five.
"Nose made it in five"! Is the man a genius? He finds one insignificant trait and instantly turns it into comedy.
Yes, ma'am, I'm prouder than a peacock to have a star of your magnitude right here in our midst.
Well, aren't you the little charmer? Many's the time you've beguiled this wide-eyed young doughboy back in K.
C.
In the old Gaiety Theater.
You caught my act? Heck, one time I caught your garter.
To this day, every time I watch a C-42 revvin' up I think about how you used to spin those tassels.
Well, there's more than one way to use a runway, Colonel.
Call me Sherm.
I figure I've known you about as well as a fella can without being introduced.
Well, it's a real pleasure to have my reputation precede me for a change.
Nowadays, these kid soldiers hardly know who I am.
Being famous isn't nearly as much fun when nobody knows it.
Oh, shut the hell up.
! I have to make up for the show.
- Did you find out anything? - Sarah, I checked our files quite thoroughly and there just doesn't seem to be any record of your late brother being treated here.
- You sure? - Positive.
- Thanks very much, Father.
- I'm sorry.
- If there's anything more I can do, please let me know.
- I will.
Thank you.
Wonderful news, everybody.
We've cleared out a space in post-op so you can set up for your show.
- Terrific.
! - We got a bunkhouse for these gypsies? We've prepared the V.
I.
P.
Tent.
Sarah and Eleanor, we've put your things in there.
Well, that takes care of the young 'uns.
Now, Brandy, why don't you and Margaret buddy up? - Oh.
- Yes.
That would be nice.
And as for Mr.
Nichols here, seems only fitting that we put him in with one ofhis biggest fans.
Winchester, fix up the cot in the Swamp.
"The Swamp"? That's Okefenokee with me.
That does it.
I'm sleeping at Mom's tonight.
Good-bye, Mr.
Chips! Good evening, ladies and germs.
I planned to have you laying in the aisles, but I see someone beat me to it.
I'd like to thank Colonel Potter for this wonderful reception.
Even though we didn't get married.
But seriously, folks, Colonel Potter is really, really a great guy.
A military genius.
First thing he said to me was, "Gotta get those Krauts.
" It's pretty noisy in here.
Do you think we should move Nowicki? - No.
Leave him alone.
Might do him some good.
- So I bit him.
- On the other hand - But enough of my bits.
Here's someone who you could really sink your teeth into a hell of a girl Miss Brandy Doyle! It hurts when I do this.
It hurts when I do this.
- What'd you say? - Shh.
I'm rehearsing.
It hurts when I do this.
And now, here is something for all you music buffs.
And I oughta know, because many a times I've worked to music in the buff.
Miss Ellie Carlyle and her squeezable Steinway! Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
I would like to dedicate this next tune to a really swell guy with a head to match.
Thank you very much.
I'll always be grateful to you for saving my life.
Oh, it's nothing.
The only tricky part was remembering if the appendix was on the right or the left.
Oh Oh Please.
It hurts when I laugh.
Then take two Fast Freddie jokes.
You'll feel better in no time.
Here we are at the doctor place! The "horse-pistol.
" The "horse-pistol.
" First I need my nurse.
Nurse! Where's the nurse? Is there something I can do for you, Doctor? Oh, ja.
I'll talk about that later in your pup tent.
- But first, bring me the talcum powder.
- Yes, Doctor.
- Walk this way.
- If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the talcum powder.
- I need a patient.
Where's the patient? - Oh, sir? Oh, here you are.
You look like a heel.
Dr.
Kinderspiel will see you now.
Now, young man, what seems to be the problem? - My arm hurts.
- Well, don't What? - My arm hurts.
- Uh, well, uh, Dummkopf don't you mean it hurts when I do this? Then don't do that.
You got the wrong line.
Oh, what a lovely jacket you're wearing.
Somewhere a horse is freezing.
- I can't find the line.
What do I do? - Get out.
Get out! There is only one cure for such an illness.
Ayoung lady will come out and sing us all back to good health.
Give her a big hand Miss Sarah Miller! Thank you.
I'd like to sing you a song that's very special to me.
My brother taught it to me.
It's called "Sweet Molly Malone.
" Everybody knows this song.
Why don't you join in with me? My usual singing partner is not able to be onstage with me tonight but she is, however, in the audience and maybe we could all persuade her to join me.
- Does anybody else know this song? - I do.
- Hey! Margaret! - Come on up.
Major Houlihan.
All right.
You wanna know something, honey? You got a terrific set of pipes.
- Oh, thank you, Miss Doyle.
- Oh, please.
Call me Brandy.
Okay, Brandy.
If you wanna know the truth, my name is really Brenda.
- Brenda Delinski.
- Really? - Well, I wouldn't make that up.
- No.
You wanna know something, honey? - I get the feeling I make you kind of nervous.
- No.
No.
Well, you and I are not all that different.
- I mean, I'm just like any other woman.
- No, you're not.
We all take our pants off one leg at a time.
You know, I'd give anything to have a gorgeous head of hair like yours.
Ha! Thank you! I was just thinking the same thing about your lovely head of hair.
- How do you manage to keep it so beautiful? - Oh, simple.
I give it the night off.
- I never would've guessed.
- My ex-husband gave me that for our third anniversary.
Right after that, we split up.
Oh, but those were three beautiful months.
I learned to get the anniversaries in as fast as I could.
That's just about as long as I was married.
I see I'm not the only one in this tent who knows what it's like to be lonely.
You? Lonely? A big star like you? Don't believe the fan magazines.
I wish I had 1/10th the fun they say I do.
You know, when you spend all your time on the road the only men in your life are bellhops and cabdrivers.
The nights can get sort of empty when all you've got to curl up with is a pillow.
- Oh, come on, honey.
It's not as bad as that.
- Oh.
At least with the people here, they're like your family.
- But they're mostly just kids.
- Not that Colonel Potter.
Oh, he's a real doll.
I got a good mind to sashay right over to his tent and make his experience at the Gaiety Theater seem like a church social.
Colonel Potter is a very happily married man.
So were my five husbands till they met me.
Oh, don't worry.
I'm leaving first thing in the morning.
So tonight, it's just you and me, kid.
And the old pillow.
So he said to the psychiatrist, "Doc, nobody ever seems to pay any attention to me.
" So the doctor said, "Next.
" I could listen to these all night.
- In an hour and 40 minutes, you will have.
- I don't know what it is but your particular brand of whimsicality appeals to a certain predilection of mine.
- Gee, I thought you liked me.
- Freddie, no, no Tell the one about - No! - Good night.
We have patients to see in the morning.
- All right.
I'm going.
Just one morejoke.
- Will you get out of here? - How'd you sleep? - Wonderfully.
- I envy you.
- Didn't you sleep well? A cup of coffee would've gotten a better night's sleep.
- That's one of Freddie's jokes.
- I knew I heard that somewhere! Must've been around 4:30 this morning.
- How you feeling? - Great.
Thanks to a certain wonderful doctor I know.
Oh, I bet you say that to all the wonderful doctors you know.
Oh, no.
I mean it.
You're special.
Um, regulations.
These hands are on duty.
He's finally started to show some improvement.
- Vital signs are stable.
Temperature's down.
- He seems to be much better.
He's awake now.
How you doin', Nowicki? How you feelin'? I know it's hard to talk, but you're comin' along just fine.
Watch out for Nurse Kellye though.
She likes the weak, silent type.
Keep him on the D-5 and half saline solution at 125 c.
c.
's per hour.
Right.
So long, fellas.
So long.
Oh.
Oh, honey.
We just came by to say good-bye.
- We're really gonna miss you.
- I'm gonna miss you too.
See ya back in the States, kid.
Everybody's invited to Brandy's house after the war.
You guys can't leave without me.
Well, at least I'll have Hawkeye to keep me company.
Hey, you were just supposed to take out her appendix, not steal her heart.
Nunzio's Chez Paris, Hoboken, New Jersey.
You guys gonna come? Sure.
It's the least we can do for the man who put plastic doggie doo in our bunks.
Klinger, you'd better get that.
Okay, but first, a quick good-bye.
Freddie, I just wanna say what an indescribable thrill it's been for me to have the pleasure - Klinger! - So long, everybody! - Hoboken, New Jersey.
Say, is that anywhere near Princeton? - So long.
! Bye.
Yeah.
Come on.
And - One, two, three, four - Terrific! Ho, ho, ho! - You're terrific.
- Oh, that goes double for me.
Miss Doyle, it's been a real hoot and a holler.
Anybody who can bring a little sunshine to this gloomy place gets an eternal gracias from me.
Oh, thank you.
You know, Sherm, we'll probably never see one another again and I'd hate myself if I didn't do this.
Come on, folks.
It's just a handshake with lips.
Good-bye, Father.
Thanks again for your help.
- Good-bye, Sarah.
I wish you good luck in your search.
- So do I.
All right.
Everybody, on the truck.
We're moving out.
Wait.
! Wait.
! Don't anybody move.
! - Klinger, one good-bye to a customer.
- No, no, no.
That was G-2 on the phone.
There's an all-out offensive.
All roads are restricted to troop convoys only.
Nobody can leave.
You've been held over.
Hey, Freddie.
Shake! So the guy with the shovel walks up to the streetcar conductor and says "Mother-in-law? I thought that was your cat.
!" Make sure we've got plenty of plasma, penicillin, bandages.
- Order everything times three.
- Yes, sir.
Yes, sir.
Yes, sir.
Colonel, there's gotta be some way to get out of here.
Mr.
Nichols, let me put this in show folks' lingo.
There's people out there knockin' 'em dead.
Unless you want your next review to be in the obituaries you'll just have to set here a spell.
But we gotta wind up this tour on schedule or in army folks' lingo, my club date in Hoboken is gonna be right down the latrine.
I've been to Hoboken.
You're better off here.
You don't understand.
This could cost me the chance of a lifetime.
My agent says it's the perfect showcase for Toast of the Town.
- What's that? - What's that? Ed Sullivan! - "The really big show.
" - You all right, son? - Oh! - Look, unless this Toast of the Town feller's got scrambled eggs on his cap, you're plumb outta luck.
- I'm sorry.
- Oh, sure.
Now I'm stuck with toast, scrambled eggs and plums.
Colonel But seriously, Colonel No, no! Seriously! Colonel! Mr.
Nichols, you've put in your two cents' worth.
Now, the bank is closed.
Klinger, get to work.
I'll see your three depressors and I will raise you five.
- You're bluffin'.
- Well, if you wanna find out, just gimme a call.
Okay.
I'll call ya.
- What do ya got? - A pair.
- I knew it! - Three of a kind.
A full house.
You're killin' me.
Hey, deal ya in? In this game you can put your money where your mouth is.
Aha.
There is a comic with this troupe.
- How's he doing? - Vital signs are stable.
How you feeling, Nowicki? - Has he spoken at all? - No, not a word.
Okay, pal, if you don't feel like talking, I understand.
But if you change your mind, my number is, "Hey, Doc.
" I will open with five.
Hey, take it easy.
That stuff doesn't grow on trees, you know.
Hey, B.
J.
, what's the matter with him? War's got his tongue.
Sherm.
! - Hi, Sherm.
- Howdy, ma'am.
Sorry about the extended engagement.
I know this ain't exactly the Great White Way.
Oh, it's not the place.
It's the people.
I thought maybe you and I could get together and have a drink.
I gotta warn you, if you wanna keep your insides lookin' as good as your outsides you better stay away from the rotgut they serve around here.
Oh, don't worry about me.
I've had whiskey that'd put hair on your glass.
Say, come to think of it, I've got a bottle of 12-year-old scotch I've been saving for a dry day.
Oh, Sherm, your best scotch? You oughta save that for a special occasion.
I don't want to Well, this is special.
It isn't every day I get to rub elbows let alone bend 'em, with a celebrity.
How about the Officers Club? Twelve-year-old scotch in the Officers Club? You'd be amazed how many friends and how little booze you'll have.
I guess you're right.
Maybe we better sip the firewater in my wigwam.
Why, Sherman Potter! Oh, well, n-no, I I ju - I'll be there at 8:00.
- L I I I I I I Hey, Sarah.
I'm emceeing at a red-hot bingo game in the Officers Club later.
- Care to join us? - No, thanks, Father.
Not much fun being stuck in the middle of nowhere, is it? Oh, it's not that.
Now it looks like I may never get to the 121 st evac hospital.
Why is that so important? Her brother was killed in combat near here.
He died at the 121 st.
- I'm sorry.
- To think I've come all this way to go home empty-handed.
What do you mean? I don't understand.
What are you looking for? Maybe we can help.
Well, most importantly, a pair of ballet shoes.
My brother was in love with a ballerina and they had planned to get married.
And the night before he shipped out, she gave him a pair of her toe shoes and he treasured them as his only link to her.
When his effects were returned, the shoes weren't among them.
I thought if I could find them, his fiancee and I would have a memory of him we could share.
You know, Sarah, if you never received the shoes chances are they were either lost or stolen before they ever reached the 121 st.
Well, why would anyone wanna steal a pair of ballet shoes? Well, they wouldn't have been after the shoes.
They would have been looking for money.
The local people are very poor.
Sometimes they steal a soldier's ditty bag take the cash and discard the rest.
If the army does have those ballet shoes, of course they wouldn't know whom they belonged to.
They'd probably be in a lost and found somewhere.
- What kind of an injury did your brother have, Sarah? - A head wound.
They usually send the neurosurgical cases to the 8063rd.
I know the chaplain there.
I could call him and ask him about the shoes.
Where's Marina? Oh, she wanted to visit, so I flagged down the first wheelchair that came by.
I bet there are a lot of things you're lookin' forward to when you get home, huh, Michael? Well, what I'm lookin' forward to most is a big bite of a Golden Delicious apple.
Not an ordinary apple like you get in the market.
I'm from Washington State where we pluck 'em right off the tree.
They're so fresh that they crackle when you sink your teeth into 'em.
And inside, snow white.
Thought it couldn't hurt to try.
If I was an apple, I'd want you to deliver my eulogy.
Listen to her, Nowicki.
She'll keep the doctor away.
Thanks for trying, Marina.
He didn't say anything, but I think maybe he heard me.
Now that you're on the case, maybe he'll start showing signs of showing signs.
- You were terrific.
- Thanks.
Mm Mm-mmm.
- What's the matter? - I think you may be pushing your recovery a little bit.
Oh, Hawkeye, I feel fine.
Yeah, well, your lips may have a relapse.
They're not even on solid food yet.
Try to get some sleep.
Hey, Doc? Will you tell her that I like apples too? Yeah, sure.
Hi.
Sorry I'm late.
I didn't have a thing to wear.
Wow! I'll show you in just as soon as I can let go of the door.
Oh, I think I can find my way.
Didn't realize you were gonna wear your Class A's.
Well, it was a choice of this or my working clothes, and I figured it was a little bit chilly for them.
That's funny.
I was just beginning to notice how warm it is.
Well, enough about the weather.
How would you like to offer a lady a belt? Oh.
Comin' right up.
Now, watch this stuff.
It's got more kick than the Rockettes.
How about a toast? To two old war horses.
May your tassels soon twirl in peacetime.
Amen.
Ooh, Sherm! This is good.
Not enough O's in "smooth" to describe this.
He's right here.
Hold on, Chaplain.
Charlie, there's a young woman here with a U.
S.
O.
Troupe who's trying to locate her brother's personal effects.
He was a K.
I.
A.
Well, primarily, a pair of ballet shoes.
No, no, they were kind of a keepsake.
I'd appreciate it if you could check your lost and found.
Well, if you find them, please call me here.
Uh, thanks, Charlie.
Bye-bye.
Well, he'll do what he can.
Thanks.
- Ain't she somethin'? - Yeah.
Marvelous.
If only she had a pair of cymbals between her knees she would be a veritable one-woman band.
What's the matter, Major? Didn't I soothe your savage breast? No offense, Miss Carlyle but I've always been of the opinion that squeezing is a technique best suited to making orange juice, not music.
Oh.
My, you do have a way with arrogance.
Well, I've just never been a devotee of musical instruments that one has to wear.
Oh! This old thing.
- Here, hold my wrap.
- I don't want to h Maybe I should, uh, try a little of this? Going to favor us with a selection of boogie-woogie? Any other requests from the boogie man? I am sorry, Eleanor.
I had no idea you were so versatile.
Why are you wasting your time with that overgrown concertina? With such mastery of the keyboard, it seems a pity to cut it in half and play it sideways.
I like to eat.
At Juilliard they taught us everything about the piano except how to make a living at it.
It's easier to make ends meet with the accordion.
Yeah, well.
You certainly squeezed the air out of me.
Major, perhaps you should open your mind and let a little fresh air in.
Play something we can dance to.
No, no, no, no, no! Don't listen to those boors! Oh, come on, Major.
Doesn't it get lonely up there in your ivory tower? Even Dvorak and Brahms wrote folk dances, you know.
L Come on, Major.
You wanna dance? I thought you'd never ask.
It's a good thing that stuff is almost gone.
Any more and we could get swizzled.
- A toast.
- To twirling tassels.
Oh, you know, Sherm it's a shame we didn't meet back in those days of K.
C.
We could have had one whizbang of a blowout.
Oh, when I first caught a glimpse of you and your no-nonsense ways that sparkle in your eye.
Oh, I like a man who's been pushed around a little by life and who just pushes right back.
Oh, Sherm, you got spunk.
Smooth.
But seriously, folks.
How about those kids today? They think money grows on trees.
But they don't want to plant 'em, they just want to pick 'em.
"They don't want to plant 'em, they just want to pick 'em.
" It sounds like it should be funny.
Maybe it's just me.
That's okay, Freddie.
You say it's no good, it's out of the act.
Talk about your bad drivers.
My wife drives in three gears.
- Crunch, first and second.
- Try "first, second and crunch.
" My wife drives in three gears.
First, second and crunch.
- I was wrong.
- What's with these politicians in Washington? Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Shuffle off, Buffalo.
- I'm warnin' you, Klinger.
Don't throw that punch line.
- Say, you guys look tired.
Tired, tired Ah Last night I was so tired - I counted sheep and they were yawning.
- Out! - The show is over! - Save the bombs for the enemy.
Freddie and I are comin' up with some big yocks here.
Tell 'em, Freddie.
First rule of comedy, Max.
Always leave 'em wantin' more.
Love you, babe.
See you tomorrow.
- Out, Klinger! - All right, all right.
I'll go to my room.
- Speaking of my room, my room is so small - Thank you! My room is so small, I have to step outside to change my mind.
Boy, I thought he'd never leave.
He was driving me batty.
Joke, joke, joke, one right after another.
I can't stand people who don't know when to stop.
He did have one good one, though, about this priest in Dublin.
A parishioner, Mr.
O'Malley, comes to him and he says "Father Casey, you've got to help me out.
" So Father Casey says to O'Malley "You'll have plenty to feed your 10 children if you plant potatoes in the spring "corn in the summer, cabbage in the fall and let your wife decide what to do in the cold winter months.
" Then O'Malley says, "Father, you don't understand.
" "That's how I got the 10 kids in the first place.
" - How did you know that? I just wrote it.
- Fat chance, Groucho.
That's a seminary standard.
The First Commandment of comedy is "Thou Shalt Not Steal.
" Now, would you try to get the 8063rd again? Sure, Father.
Boy, everybody's a comedian.
Hello, Sparky.
Is this a bad connection or are you eating breakfast cereal? Breakfast cereal! Never mind.
Uh, I want to get through to the 8063rd.
Oh.
Hold on.
Communications blackout.
I'll bet you there's a Red Chinese with a copy of Berlitz eavesdropping on every phone.
A regular Communist party line.
Oh, I have to find out if there's any word on the ballet shoes.
- Sorry, Father.
- Bother! Just wanted to make sure you were decent.
I've got a surprise for you.
Hi.
He insisted on returning your visit.
- Hi, Michael.
- I like my friends to call me Mike.
Okay.
Mike.
- Are they treatin' you okay? - Nothing to worry about, Mike.
I got the greatest doctor in the world.
Well, that's good.
And if they start givin' you a hard time just tell 'em they'll have to answer to Nowicki.
How about that? Words are coming out.
His lips are moving.
And nobody has a hand in his back.
Nice, huh? From no talk to sweet talk.
- She's just amazing.
- I'd like to prescribe a few minutes with her to every kid who comes through here.
Attention.
! Incoming wounded.
! Hurry while there's still a wide selection of models and colors to choose from.
We'll have a lot of prescriptions for her to fill.
You're gonna be okay, Private.
Nothing broken, leaking or AWOL.
Thanks, Doc.
Oh! - Here.
- What's this? Don't tell me you were wounded at the battle of Swan Lake? Battalion Aid gave 'em to me.
Said I was supposed to deliver 'em here.
Said they were from the 8063rd.
- They found them! - She's always nervous on opening night.
Father Mulcahy! They found them! That's wonderful! Wonderful! Sarah? Sarah! Miss Miller! Sarah, they found them! Father Mulcahy! Over here! We need a hand! Father, where did they come from? - Hi.
- Shh.
You'll wake me.
You do look exhausted.
I've been operating since dawn's early light.
This is a very particular crowd.
They want all their insides put back inside.
I just wanted to come by and see how you were feeling before I went to sleep.
- Did I make it? - You're sweet to take such good care of me, Hawkeye.
That's one of the things I wanted to talk to you about.
The travel restrictions have been lifted.
Your friends are going to the 121 st evac tomorrow morning.
- You'll be able to join them.
- But I'm not well enough yet.
Yeah, you are.
I wouldn't send you if you weren't ready to go.
But if it'll make you feel any better you can take the rest of your medicine in a doggie bag.
Do I really have to go? Well, we have this whole new batch of wounded.
They're taking numbers for beds.
Well, I could stay in the V.
I.
P.
Tent.
I'd be out of everybody's way there and still near you.
- Near me, huh? - Well you are my doctor.
- Yeah.
- Besides I'd love to get to know you when I'm healthy.
Yeah, uh that's another reason why I think it'd be a good idea if you went.
But why? L I thought you cared for me.
I do.
Of course I care.
So does everybody here.
I mean, you-you've worked miracles here that would get a standing ovation at Lourdes.
That's not what I'm talking about.
You mean a great deal to me.
You don't even know me.
I know enough.
Marina, when you came here, you were sick.
L I I literally swept you off your feet.
All you see is a miracle man in a white suit.
Oh, come on, Hawkeye.
I'm not a kid.
I see who you really are.
All you've seen is the bedside of my manner.
You haven't seen the bad side.
The real Hawkeye Pierce is an egotistical, irresponsible martini-guzzler.
Now who's the song and dance man? Look, I can show you a roomful of women as lack-of-character witnesses.
I can't I can't take advantage of your feelings for me.
And believe me, the thought has crossed my mind.
I'm sorry.
I'm not convinced.
Hawkeye Marina you ought to be back home auditioning for musicals and and dating starving young actors eating those Delicious apples.
I've seen too much ever to be wide-eyed again.
We're the wrong blood type.
We don't match.
Innocence-positive and lechery-negative.
Let me stay.
I'll prove you're wrong.
No, no.
It's not worth the risk.
Remember, you did ask me not to leave a scar.
Well, Sherm, I guess this is the big good-bye.
Sayonara, Brandy.
Sure glad I had a chance to find out your beauty is more than skin deep.
Too bad we haven't got any more of that high-class hooch of yours.
Well, at least it gave its life for a good hangover.
- Good-bye, Sherm.
- Good-bye, Miss Brandy.
If you ever find yourself amblin' through Missouri, be sure to look me up.
Oh, you bet I will! Mildred will cook us something special.
Oh.
But in case I don't good-bye, Sherm.
Well, it's almost time to say good-bye, Sarah.
I guess so, Father.
Thank you both.
You've given me some wonderful memories.
It'll be a while before we forget you too.
Well, Ellie I guess the time has come to play out the coda to this little etude.
- And I suppose we could say good-bye.
- Maybe so.
I do look forward to one day seeing you in Boston - as a guest soloist at Symphony Hall.
- Ooh.
Then I look forward to seeing you at your local beer parlor on oompah-pah night.
- Well, perhaps there's a roll or two left in my barrel.
- Be careful, kids! - Hey, Freddie - you wouldn't leave without saying good-bye, would you? - Of course not.
- I've been lookin' forward to this moment all day.
- What a kidder.
- See you again, Freddie.
- Ah, thanks for the warning.
Hey, wait a minute.
I wrote a fantastic joke this morning.
Oh, I'd love to hear it, Max, but I'll miss my ambulance.
And the only way to get another one is to shoot myself.
So I'll see you, huh? Shake.
No, no, no.
For real, Max.
- For real.
- Oh! Yeah.
Yeah.
Bye, Mike.
You take good care of yourself, okay? That goes double for you.
I'll look for you on the hit parade.
- Bye, Doctor.
- Bye-bye, Marina.
- Thanks for the help.
You were wonderful.
- All aboard, Marina.
Hey.
Send you a postcard from Times Square.
At night, with all the lights.
I'd send you one from the Korean theater, but it's always the same old story.
Well Well, break a leg.
If I do, can you recommend a good doctor? Okay, people, let's get back to work.
The show is over.
Sure does seem quiet around here.
It's the same kind of feeling I used to get when the circus left town.
We certainly did have our three rings full, didn't we? - All they left us was the tents.
- Listen, be grateful.
- At least they took Freddie and his stupid jokes, hmm? Hey, what's with the lock? I can't get in.
- We barred the door, Katie.
- Take your act on the road.
But seriously, I've given up comedy.
I realize now my jokes are no laughing matter.
- No more jokes? - No.
- You swear? - Yeah.
Yeah.
All right.