8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown (2012) s10e02 Episode Script
Phil Wang, Russell Howard, Roisin Conaty, Nick Helm
This programme contains strong language and adult humour CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown Jon Richardson, Russell Howard, Roisin Conaty, Phil Wang, Nick Helm, Susie Dent and Rachel Riley.
Now welcome your host, Jimmy Carr! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hey! Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, a show about letters, numbers and conundrums.
Did you know, for example, the country Iceland was originally called Butterland, whilst neighbouring Greenland was known as "I Can't Believe It's Not Butterland.
" The Albanian language has 30 words for eyebrows but, unfortunately, no word for tweezers.
And the original name of Winnie-the-Pooh was Edward the Bear.
It turns out Winnie-the-Pooh was just his stripper name.
Right, let's get started.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's Jon Richardson.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE In 2016, Jon became a father.
Must've been amazing, holding that child for the first time and thinking, "Wow.
Just nine months ago, I was sitting at home, "waiting for my wife to get back from her yoga retreat.
" What a weekend! And Jon's team-mate, Phil Wang! Phil Wang's here.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Phil Wang and I have always wanted to be in a double act together.
But, tragically, it will never work out because of our surnames.
"Wang-Carr" just sounds wrong.
Up against them this evening, - it's special guest team captain Russell Howard! - Hello.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Russell's T-shirts are so tight, he looks like a toddler that was granted a magic wish to be big.
- Oh, God.
- Joining Russell tonight, it's Roisin Conaty.
- Yay! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Incredibly, last time she was on the show, Roisin offered up a nine-letter word.
Unfortunately, that was during the numbers round.
I loved the bit during that gag where your face thought, "Did I?" OK.
Russell, this is the first time - you've been a team captain on this show.
- Yep.
How are you going to motivate Roisin? You sounded like you said motorboat! Yes, Russell, how are you going to motorboat Roisin? Tenderly.
And with great respect.
If we both score highly, you can motorboat me and then I'll motorboat you.
Oh, that's confidence in your pecs.
- Yeah - MUSCLE Howard! - Oh! - MUSCLE HOW-HARD.
- Yes I would, er APPLAUSE OK, how are you go to motivate Roisin this evening? The way I'm going to motivate Ros - Yeah? - Yeah.
- So every time - Hey, hey, hey - See? A lot of terrible-coloured red ones in there.
You want to get rid of those.
Well, you have that for a start.
And there's more where that came from.
Pick out the colours you don't like and send them back, is it? Jesus Christ.
- Don't listen.
- This country.
This country.
- Listen, I don't care.
- He's trying to get under your skin.
I'm not racist, I just don't like the red ones.
Russell, do you think you can beat Jon tonight? Absolutely not.
But we'll have a smashing time while we're here.
We are.
I think it's a bit You know, you've got two very smart people and two very blonde people.
- Yeah.
- But - A couple of jocks! It's a bit like The Hunger Games.
You could have given us Wang, but Don't say that! Why?! Come on! We are not helping ourselves! You want to motivate me, give me Wang! No - I think we've got a chance.
- Go on? - Imagine if Jon just forgot how to spell.
- Yeah.
How would you feel if you just couldn't spell any more? Er Dyslexic, I guess.
Roisin, what's your worst habit? My worst habit is probably not leaving parties when I'm drunk and then telling the host relentlessly about a sketch on SNL which is called The Thing That Wouldn't Leave.
And then still not leaving and then still telling them about this sketch about The Thing That Wouldn't Leave about six or seven times.
Other than that, I'm pretty much bang on.
We are always the last to leave, though.
The last three parties, it has been us at the end, - and then we've carried on.
- Yeah.
What party was this? Phil, it's your first time on the show.
Great to have you here.
What do you think you'll be better at, the numbers or the letters? What do you think? - I don't - Numbers.
Numbers till I die.
No, I reckon the numbers round.
Chinese people are naturally good at maths.
Actually, we need to keep track of all the photographs we take.
It says here you've had a lot of nicknames over the years.
- Talk us through some of the nicknames.
- Right, yeah.
Well, naturally, having the name Phil Wang opens you up to a lot of nicknames.
I've had, er Big Phil.
Er Silly Philly.
I don't like that one.
And Phil the Pill, because I'm a natural contraceptive.
And Wangnam Style.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE At school once, a guy, one of the older boys, came up to me and-and He just He pointed my gaze towards his groin and he had his penis sticking out of his trousers.
And he just looked me straight in the eye and just went, "I'm Phil Wang now.
" And now he's the President of America.
APPLAUSE - Jon, you used to live with Russell.
He's an old friend of yours.
- Mm-hm.
Do you know his weaknesses? I'd say, if he had a weakness, it's probably word and number games.
Should be a good night.
Like that party we were all at(!) Oh, yeah, that's his other weakness, inviting people to parties.
OK, Russell.
Have you got a mascot? I have decided to bring my mum as my mascot.
- Here she is, look at this.
Here you are, Mum.
- Oh, hello.
CHEERING What? Can I ask? Can I ask what happened? Did you have her on, like, a boil wash or something? Cos she's teeny-tiny.
- Don't, I won't say - Just say it, just say it.
Back off, fucker.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Very nice to see your mum, - cos you've done a lot of stuff about her over the years.
- Yeah.
Cos she's a tremendous lady.
Could you tell us something about Russell that we wouldn't know? Oh, what you wouldn't know? That he's absolutely terrified of little scampering mice.
Once, he came in from a late night, from one of his gigs, and a little mouse came in.
And then he ran in, the mouse ran into the lounge after him, he screamed his head off, and I went in, and he was on the coffee table, going HIGH-PITCHED: .
.
"Argh!" Or GRUFFLY: .
.
"Rargh!" - But the best thing was - What? I thought you were done.
.
.
three days later "Three days later, it came back and there was an army of them!" No, what I did - "They had little shields, Jim!" - Shush! What I did was I made a little fishing rod and I put a stuffed on the end of the fishing rod and woke him up with the end on his face, in the middle of the night.
- APPLAUSE - Yeah, yeah! Why not! Russell's mum, Ninette, everyone! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Roisin, have you got a mascot? - I have, Jimmy.
Now, I've done the show quite a lot, and I've burned through a lot of mascots.
I've lost I'm a very superstitious person and, basically, I've lost all of them.
I've lost too many good guys to this show.
So I've just worked out that maybe nothing's lucky.
So I'm trying a new thing.
I've just brought my wok.
I wondered where I put that! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Dad, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry to my father.
Basically, most things that are considered lucky are just things that sort of get a run out - clothes, things that get out into the world, get a bit of stage time.
And woks never get a chance to be lucky.
Tonight, this is its chance.
OK.
Phil, have you got a mascot? Yes, I do, Jimmy.
Well, now, I studied engineering at university.
Partly for the transferable technical skills, but mainly for the poontang.
APPLAUSE And, let me tell you, that did not work out.
Well, I'm never one to back out from a challenge and it's not every day that one gets a chance to try and chat up a maths genius, Rachel Riley.
Now, if I've learned anything about women, and I haven't it's that it's important to speak their language.
So I brought with me my old formula book from university.
I spent all night last night poring over this, to come up with the perfect maths-based pick-up line with which to woo Rachel with 100% effectiveness.
- LAUGHTER - Rachel If a train leaves Manchester for London at a speed of 30 metres per second at 12:20pm, and another train leaves Birmingham for Newcastle at a speed of 45 metres per second half an hour later, will you go out with me? LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Stick with it.
Jon, have you got a mascot? Yes, I've brought with me Russell's dad.
LAUGHTER No - I tried to book him, but he said, "The missus is away tonight and I'm going mental.
" LAUGHTER - Anyway, I've brought this little mouse! No, I didn't.
- LAUGHTER The first time Russell was on he brought me a present.
You brought me a present, didn't you, for my child.
- For your little daughter.
- I felt bad cos I hadn't got you anything.
So The one thing - and we know this, Ninette, the state of his motor Yeah.
I got you a bin to go in your car - Ooh - So this is Jeremy the Car Bin.
LAUGHTER Aww! It goes You put it on the back of the headrest, like that OK.
I thought I was going to wear it round my neck.
- LAUGHTER - You can do if you like.
- I can just do like that - and I can sort of drive AND snack.
- Yeah.
LAUGHTER I've put some gifts in - in the old days it would have been Frazzles and Diet Coke, - but you've gone a different way with your life.
- Oh, there you go LAUGHTER - It's 100% protein powder.
Thank you.
- LAUGHTER People might not know that Roisin, you actually you played matchmaker between me and my wife, didn't you, so - Yes, I did.
- You found me a wife, and as a result of that I had a child.
So you are inadvertently responsible for a life on the planet.
So I thought it would be nice for you to have a memento of the fact that there's life on the planet because of you.
- Thank you.
- So that's a dirty nappy there - Oh, nice! - LAUGHTER My absolute favourite.
Ooh, she's had a big dinner! There you go.
- Healthy baby! - LAUGHTER And these are for the two of you - these are some decompression sickness tablets cos you're going down! LAUGHTER Nice! APPLAUSE Over in Dictionary Corner, we have Nick Helm! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Nick Helm is comedy's answer to the question, "What would it look like if someone ate nothing but fish fingers and spaghetti hoops?" - Nick, what's the most romantic thing you've ever done? - Erm One of the most romantic things I ever did - and you WILL like this cos it's all about wisdom - is erm I was really good at technology in GCSE, and I got an A for technology GCSEs.
I met this girl that I really liked, and, well, I was in love with her.
And mymy mouth began hurting, and eventually what happened was I needed to get my wisdom teeth removed.
Right? Two at the top and two at the bottom(!) And erm LAUGHTER That's a Countdown joke - I mean, why are you fucking here?! - I think you take - Shut up, this is MY moment to shine! LAUGHTER Having to sit through all the fucking wok, and the fucking textbooks! LAUGHTER APPLAUSE And so er I used my technology GCSE, and I made them into earrings for her.
LAUGHTER Nick Helm, everyone! APPLAUSE And with Nick of course, it's Susie Dent! CHEERING Susie has written 14 books all about the derivations of words and phrases - where do you get your lack of ideas from? LAUGHTER Susie, Phil is half-Chinese - are there any Chinese words we should be made aware of? There are lots.
There's "kowtow".
.
- "Countdown"(?) - "Kowtow"! - LAUGHTER I think in the Chinese version it means "to knock heads".
Erm "Chin-chin", "gung ho" "Feng shui"? - "Feng shui" - Which literally means "wind and water.
" Cos you know you've got a good house if wind and water's comin' through.
LAUGHTER In charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley! CHEERING AND WHISTLING Well, we should probably crack on because judging by Rachel's dress, she clearly has a hen do to get to.
LAUGHTER I had quite a few hen dos this year actually.
Did you? One of them, I dressed up with my friend as a tortoise with a penis.
- LAUGHTER - That was my piece de resist I'm really proud of that.
- A tortoise with a penis? - Yeah.
She loves tortoises, so we all went And penises(!) LAUGHTER Well, you know, we were in Bristol.
LAUGHTER No, your mum's going, "Yeah, fair enough, yeah.
" "That was a good night actually, yeah.
"She really came out of her SHELL.
" LAUGHTER OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this - the Countdown badminton set.
WHOOPING LAUGHTER OK, let's Countdown, everyone, time for the first game.
Jon and Phil, you get first pick of the letters.
Phil, I'll let you pick the letters, but first I'd just like to point out that in a numbers game you take six, which is why a joke like "two from the top and two from the bottom" wouldn't work.
LAUGHTER You can silence me at the time, but I'll always have the last word.
I've got so much confidence this evening - even against the three of them.
- But let's be honest, we need to balance this out.
- OK.
Cos otherwise it's going to be a bloodbath.
- LAUGHTER - But with numbers and letters.
So I'm going to do this round without sound! LAUGHTER Can't hear a thing.
This is exactly what he wore to Glastonbury.
LAUGHTER I'm only - Rockin' out, weren't we, mate?! Rockin' out.
- LAUGHTER It's only for the game, you're not allowed to just bully me when I've got them on.
- You start picking the letters and I'll slip these on - Oh, sure.
- otherwise these lot can't resist an easy kill.
- LAUGHTER Hi, Rachel.
Could I please have a consonant? Thank you, Phil.
R.
Erm A vowel, please.
A Another vowel.
E Consonant.
S And another continent.
L Another consonant.
N And a vowel.
I Consonant.
M And aconsonant.
And the last one V OK.
And for the first time today, here's the Countdown Clock.
LAUGHTER Rachel, keep your eyes on the watch Relax and listen to my voice, you are feeling very sleepy Imagine you are talking to Susie Dent.
You are feeling LAUGHTER .
.
very sleepy.
When you wake up, you will see the love of your life in front of you.
And you will wake up when the clock ends.
CLOCK MUSIC ENDS Nothing's happened, Jimmy.
Jimmy! - LAUGHTER - Jimmy LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I love you Jimmy! All right, all right! OK I was looking at HER! Go to my dressing room, I'll see you later.
LAUGHTER Jon, how many letters? - Seven.
- Seven! OK - Phil, how many? Seven.
- Russell, how many did you get? - We got three six Four sixes.
So technically, you know, loads.
LAUGHTER Can you not work out how many four sixes is(?) LAUGHTER - Rois has got What have you got? - I've got four.
- Yeah.
You've got a four? ARSE LAUGHTER - We've got some really good sixes.
- What did you get, Russell? We had SLIMER, SLIVER and SILVER, - which are all cracking words.
- OK.
Phil, your seven? REMAINS - Oh! - Very good.
- REMAINS.
Jon - I also got REMAINS.
- Oh, that's convenient(!) LAUGHTER OK - well, seven to Jon and Phil.
APPLAUSE Could they have done any better? - Er, there is MINERALS for eight.
- Ooh, nice.
APPLAUSE On to our first numbers round.
Russell, Roisin, you get to pick the numbers.
I'm going blind with this one, Jimmy.
If you can do this blind, - I think that's going to be quite an achievement.
- I think so.
LAUGHTER OK Let's pick the numbers - quick as you can.
LAUGHTER Grabbed me bloody pen, hasn't he?! LAUGHTER - Just Ugh! - LAUGHTER Just take two from the top and two from the bottom.
LAUGHTER I'll sting you blindfolded, mate! APPLAUSE JIMMY HOOTS WITH LAUGHTER - Pick the numbers.
- Erm - the good ones, Rach.
- OK.
And for this round, they are 1, 4 My kinda numbers.
.
.
9, 3, 10 Oh, Christ.
.
.
and 100.
And the target: OK, and your time starts now.
OK.
So the target was 211.
Jon, did you get it? Is there a 7? LAUGHTER There is no 7.
Yeah, 211.
- Go on, how did you get it? - No, give me a minute.
Ask everyone else.
- No, come on, how did you get it? - Well, I did 3 - 1 = 2 2 x 100 = 200 - Yeah.
OK - RACHEL: Are you sure? 9 10 No Fuck it.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE OK - Phil.
Did you get it? - Mm-hm.
Russell, did you get it? No, I've drawn a picture of myself on a jet ski.
Done a little beard there, why not? Roisin, did you get it? No LAUGHTER How many DID you get? I've got3 - 1 = 2 2 x 100 No, no, just - what was the number you got? I need to work it out again.
LAUGHTER I've got 214.
- 214, OK.
- But hang on, you said 3 - 1 = 2 2 x 100 - and then you got - 200.
- Yeah, and then you still got to 14? LAUGHTER - Plus 10 - For one away - Eh? - LAUGHTER Oh, yeah, I should have stuck with that.
Sorry.
LAUGHTER - Phil, how did you do it? - 100 x 3 = 300 9 x 10 = 90 90 - 1 = 89 300 - 89 = 211 Lovely.
Phil Wang, everyone.
APPLAUSE Phil Wang.
OK, so Russell and Roisin have no points, Jon and Phil have 17.
APPLAUSE OK, time to go across now to Dictionary Corner - - Nick, what have you got for us? - UNENTHUSIASTICALLY: Hello, Jimmy.
- LAUGHTER - I'm going to do a poem.
And people are always asking me who my favourite poet is, and I tell them, "I wouldn't really be doing this "if I didn't believe in myself 100%.
" So LAUGHTER It's been really nice to meet you and getting to know you these last few days And if you'd like to keep in contact then I think that would be just great Maybe you could write to me and then we could be like pen pals But I suppose people don't really write letters any more Cos it's normally all e-mails Which is a shame I understand you live there and I live all the way over here But you're more than welcome to drop by any time if you're ever near And if you need a place to crash you could have my sofa bed But my real bed's pretty big really so you could share with me instead And if you wanted to stay for more than one night - two, three or four You wouldn't even need to ask me cos you could even stay for five LAUGHTER If after a while you wanted to move your things in bit by bit Then I'd empty half a shelf for you where your toothbrush could sit And if after a while you wanted to move yourself in all at once Then I think that would be OK too and I would jump at the chance If after thinking about it you wanted to go halvesies on a pet Then it would have to be a dog cos I'm allergic to cats And after a few weeks we could think about getting married and Picking out spots for honeymoons where over thresholds you'd be carried Then a few weeks after that we could think about family options But if one of us was barren we could look into adoption LAUGHTER JIMMY HOOTS WITH LAUGHTER Cos there's a lot of children out there that don't have a mum or dad But I reckon we'd make good ones or at least ones not so bad And we could get jobs and promotions doing things we really like And buy our kid the stuff you buy like dolls and skates and bikes And I'll teach him or her to ride it like my daddy did for me And you can put the plasters on when they fall and graze their knee And we'll send them off to university and comfort each other when they're gone And I'll hold you in my arms and tell you term time's not that long And I'd make you know your sacrifice was never left unnoticed And the kid we had and raised together was worth not getting promoted And maybe you'd irritated by my constant snoring But then again, maybe I - Would find your stories boring - LAUGHTER But me and you, side by side, walking hand in hand With no even little arguments are all part of the plan And when we're old and fat and grey with twinkling in our eyes I'll love you and forgive you for looking at those other guys I'll bet spending my life with you will make us want to live forever And maybe we'll be lucky and our lives will end together For knowing you these last few days has turned my life around And I thank my maker every day For this person that I've found.
Or we could just leave it? LAUGHTER APPLAUSE JIMMY HOOTS WITH LAUGHTER Nick Helm, everyone! APPLAUSE And here is your teaser, the words are LIKE WANG, the clue - a bit soft.
That's LIKE WANG - a bit soft.
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were LIKEWANG, the clue was "a bit soft.
" It was, of course, weakling.
So Jon and Phil are in the lead.
They've been playing in teams so far.
But this game is just for Russell and Jon.
So, Russell, your turn to choose the letters.
And then lose the gameto Jon.
I'm going blindfold and earmuffs.
Good luck, mate.
LAUGHTER - I'll have a vowel, please.
- Thank you, Russell.
And can I have a couple of consonants? - What do you want next, Mum? - A vowel.
She'll have a vowel, please.
Let's Three consonants.
Oh, Jesus.
Have you guessed what it is? Can I have a vowel? And another consonant, please.
And the last one.
OK, and your time starts now.
LAUGHTER LAUGHTER APPLAUSE OK, Russell.
What have you got? - II got a - It's spelt wrong, isn't it? It is, yeah.
LAUGHTER Ha-ha-ha-ha-HA! I only got a four.
I sort of made my own word up, but I don't think it's a thing.
You've got four.
OK.
Jon? Jon.
Phil, can you hit? No, hit him.
LAUGHTER - How many, Jon? - I've got a safe five or a risky six.
- Go risky, you're a dangerous man.
- What did he declare? - A four.
I'll stick with my safe five, then.
There's no point in making a fool of myself, is there? LAUGHTER - OK, Russell, what was your fourth? - WHISPERS: Say FOSSIL.
It was a five, actually, and it was a FOSSIL.
It was what, sorry? I miscounted, Jimmy.
I got FOSSIL, but I also You fucking spelt that wrong as well.
LAUGHTER - Well, for four, what four did you get? - We got ROSE, Jimmy.
- ROSE? - And we got SLIP which is also a four.
I love you, but your cheating isn't helping me.
OK, Jon what did you get? What did you get Rain Man? I got a bloody 12.
- LIFER.
- Is LIFER in there, Susie? - LIFER is fine.
So despite the blindfold and earmuffs, Jon gets five points.
APPLAUSE Nick, Susie.
- I got two sevens all by myself.
- Did you? What do you get? PROFITS and FILTERS.
But there was an eight which was - TREFOILS.
- TREFOILS.
- Which means? Plants with your little yellow flowers that are in the pea family.
TREFOILS.
OK, so at the end of that, Russell and Roisin have NO points.
- Stop emphasising! - Yeah! - You're running into that word now.
- You're like, N-NO points every time.
- OK, fine.
I'll do it the other way round.
So, at the moment, Jon and Phil have 22 points, Russell and Roisin have none.
LAUGHTER Time now for Phil and Roisin to go head-to-head in the numbers round.
Or as I like to think of it, David versus Goliath.
LAUGHTER Come on, David, you can do it! - I know I can do it.
- Your damn right she can do it.
Let's double down.
Let's double the points for this one.
If you pricks want to go.
LAUGHTER Roisin, if you get this, we'll give you double points.
Phil, you are picking the numbers.
I'll do the two from the top - and the four from the bottom, please.
- OK.
I've just always wanted to say that.
And the target 363.
And your time starts now.
OK, so the target was 363.
- Phil, did you get it? - No.
I got close.
- Oh, yes! - What did you get? - 360.
Well, you brought great shame on your family.
LAUGHTER Can we get the ceremonial sword on standby? LAUGHTER OK, Roisin, did you get it? Yes, she did, yes, she did.
LAUGHTER - I've got close.
- Yeah.
- How close did we get to 363? - 360.
OK, so how did you get it? - 6 x 75 is 450.
- Yeah.
450 - 100 is 350.
Yeah.
+ 10.
- Is - Yeah? And then what have you got left over? So what's the next bit? - You are on 360.
- And what number have I got left? - A 10 and a 7.
So? LAUGHTER + 10 - 7.
Fucking got it! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Let's all hold it.
Well, that's double points for Roisin.
THEY CHEER OK, so that evens up the scores somewhat.
So now Roisin and Russell have 20 and Phil and Jon have 22.
APPLAUSE Here we come, here we come.
OK, time to go across to Dictionary Corner once again.
Nick, what have you got for us? So I've got another poem that I'm going to do.
Just sort of like psyching myself up so I can do it.
HE SNORTS Right, so this is a poem, it's called Delicate.
Your love was like a delicate seashell You collected it from the ocean floor And handed it to me with trust And I took that trust And I smashed it I smashed it with a hammer, a hammer, a hammer I smashed it with a hammer I took that trust And I smashed it, I smashed it with a hammer LAUGHTER Your love was like a fragile ladybird You held it on your finger And made a wish Before gently blowing it with your sweet, gentle breath And I took that wish and I SMASHED it I smashed it with a hammer a hammer, a hammer I smashed it with a hammer I took that wish and I smashed it I smashed it with a hammer LAUGHTER Your love .
.
was like a DECKCHAIR! LAUGHTER You rented it from the man at the seaside And set it up with care and attention And I took that care and I SMASHED it! I SMASHED it with a HAMMER! A HAMMER, a HAMMER I SMASHED it with a HAMMER! I took that care and I SMASHED it Smashed it with a hammer Your love was like a complicated Scalextric set LAUGHTER You set it up for me in the den as a surprise for my birthday With thought, accuracy and a keen eye for bends LAUGHTER I took that thought and I SMASHED it! I SMASHED IT WITH A HAMMER! A HAMMER, A HAMMER! I SMASHED it with a HAMMER! QUIETLY: I took that care and I smashed it I smashed it with a hammer.
Stop .
.
hammer time.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Nick Helm, everyone.
I think we can all agree, he has killed, and he will kill again.
LAUGHTER And here is your teaser.
The words are TITSLUBE, the clue is "my gran needs this".
That's TITSLUBE, my gran needs this.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were TITS LUBE the clue was - my gran needs this.
It was of course SUBTITLE.
Before we get on with the game, Jon, Russell, I know you used to live together and used to go on holiday together.
- We did once, didn't we? - Yeah, we did one time.
- Where did you go to? - We went to Spain.
- Living la vida loca.
- Yeah.
I'm told you used to play a special again on holiday.
Russell, what was the game? It goes by two names.
Flinchosa, or Smash Your Face.
Basically you stand near each other and you throw a ball and if you hit the other person in the face, you get two points.
If you get a body shot, one point.
If they flinch, you also get another point, whether you hit them are not, so you can get a maximum of three.
Head and flinch.
Heh-heh! - Three.
- I didn't think a body shot counted.
- I thought it was face on nothing.
- That's why you lost often.
I would love to see Jon get hit in the face with a tennis ball.
So, Jon and Russell, make your way to the middle of the stage - for the first-ever televised game of the Flinchosa.
- Oh, exciting! I've got tennis balls here.
Grab a basket.
No, grab the basket.
One each, one each.
Yeah, Flinchosa! I think it'd be fair if you gave him one of those baskets.
And you want to go there, otherwise I'm going to hit him.
- Who? - Jimmy.
- How hard are you throwing it? If it gets past me and hits him, you're throwing it too hard.
I'm not going to throw it hard.
Put your blindfold on.
So, the rules are - a shot to the face, you get two points, a shot to the body, you get one point and if the other person flinches, one point.
Whether you hit them or not.
So, for example, if it went past here .
.
and he wentohhh! - I'd get a point.
- OK.
I've been getting nosebleeds recently, I'll just warn you now.
I told you, you shouldn't be going up the stairs.
OK, Russell and Jon, you're going to get three goes each.
- Jon, you're to go first.
- OK, all right.
Go steady, you psycho.
- A flinch and a body shot.
- Two points, two points.
Come on, you know the rules, hands away from your balls.
I know thrills count when we're not playing.
- Three.
- This game Why do they bother with the Olympics? Aaargh! See, that would have been a face shot, but he turned away.
I think that's four points.
- It wasn't going in the face and you turned away.
- No.
- You flinched, Russell.
- Yeah, so a flinch is two.
- A flinch and a body shot.
- Yeah.
Two points to Jon.
A flinch and a face shot.
- He didn't flinch, God bless him.
- Took it right on the face.
Two points.
Be careful, those teeth are expensive.
- Oh, lovely.
- Ugly, really ugly to see, that.
Aaargh! - He's taking away from it.
- That was a flinch, it was a flinch.
- OK.
- Russell.
- My ball's coming straight for your dick.
It's going to have to be a good shot.
I'm flinching already.
He flinched.
OK, let's bring out the big balls.
- Wow.
- OK, this is your last go.
One more shot each.
Russell, you're in the lead.
Jon, your shot.
It's a head shot.
Two points.
- No flinch.
- Take his fucking head off! - This is it? - This is it.
OK, Russell won the game so that's five points to his team.
That was a bloody joke, that.
It was like street Flinchosa, it was pathetic.
OK, on with the game.
Jon and Phil, your turn to choose the letters.
OK.
Can I have a vowel? Thank you, Phil, A.
Consonant.
P Consonant.
N A vowel.
U A consonant.
P A consonant.
S A vowel.
E Another vowel.
I And a consonant.
And the last one OK, and your time starts now.
OK, Phil, how many did you get? - Seven letters.
- John, how many? Nine.
Oh, well done, mate! OK, Russell, how many letters? - I've only got four.
Very bad.
- Roisin? - If there's a bit of generosity in the room - Of course there is.
- There's actually loads.
- I've got NEPTUNE if you forgive the last E.
As team captain, I'll step in and I will pardon the second E.
Unfortunately, there's only one N, so you're fucked either way.
LAUGHTER OK, Russell, what did you have? I had SEAP.
How you spelling SEEP? I think I might have spelt it wrong.
- OK, Phil, what was your seven? - PEANUTS.
- Very good.
- John Richardson, a nine-letter word.
There's always cause for celebration on this show when someone gets a nine-letter word, quite an achievement.
So, we have a paparazzi in this country and they're well known for taking pictures on the zoom lens from far away and it's not very nice.
But if you take a picture that is particularly polite to the person and you go right up to them and say, "Do you mind if I take a picture and put it in the paper?" That is the UNPAPIEST picture you could take.
The least paparazzi-like behaviour.
It's not there.
So seven points to Phil.
Mick, Susie, could they have done any better? Yeah, course they fucking could! They could have used letters that were actually up there.
- There was an eight, which was the top dog.
- PETUNIAS.
OK, so at the end of that, Russell and Roisin have 25, Jon and Phil are just in the lead with 29.
And here is your final teaser.
The words are LADY PISS.
The clue is - what a great show.
That's LADY PISS.
What a great show.
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser.
The words were LADY PISS.
The clue was - what a great show.
It was, of course, DISPLAYS.
OK, time for our final letters game.
Russell and Roisin, you get to choose the letters.
- Mum, do you want to choose it? - OK, I will.
- A constonant, please.
- Thank you, Russell's mum.
R And a vowel, please.
- O - And a constonant, please.
- N - A vowel, please.
- A - Another vowel.
- O - And a constonant.
- K - A constonant.
- ConsOnant! - D - And another constonant.
- N.
- And a vowel.
- Doesn't matter.
- And an E.
OK, and your 30 seconds starts now.
LAUGHTER Oh, we've got biscuits.
Thank you.
APPLAUSE - A gingerbread man.
- Oh, it's a gingerbread me! A gingerbread you.
I've got a gingerbread Susie.
You can eat that if you want.
You're more than welcome.
Roisin's quite pretty.
Look at that.
- Is it edible? - Yes, of course it's edible.
- I always have to ask.
I've got one for Phil.
Look at that.
It's quite nice.
- These are great.
- Oh, wow! One for Jon.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE - Russell, how many letters? - Six.
- Roisin, how many letters? - Five.
But I've also got a four I really want to say.
- What's your four? - NERD.
- Phil, how many? - Six, which might not be a word.
- OK, and Jon? - A six.
Roisin, what's your five? RAKED - OK, Russell, what's your six? - DARKEN is what I got, Jim.
- DARKEN.
- Very good.
- It's not.
- Yep, you're right.
- What, sorry? I've already tried to bite into it and I really gave it a good go and she wouldn't give.
LAUGHTER - Phil? - I don't know if it's a word - ROOKED.
Is that a chess term? I play.
I don't think anyone was in any doubt if you play chess or not.
LAUGHTER Yeah, it's absolutely fine.
- Jon, your six? - NOOKER.
WEST COUNTRY ACCENT: Down the club, game of 'nooker.
- No NOOKER.
- So six points to both teams.
APPLAUSE Nick, Susie, could they have done any better? No.
There was no more than six.
OK, so Russell and Roisin have 31.
Jon and Phil have 35.
APPLAUSE Roisin, the inedible gingerbread man, how's that going? LAUGHTER How that going down? I talked her round.
- How much is left of that gingerbread man? - She's literally legless.
OK, fingers on buzzers.
Time for today's crucial Countdown Conundrum.
Everything to play for.
Your time starts now.
BELL - Careful.
- Russell.
What? You only get one go, so just talk for a bit while you're thinking.
We only get one go? - No, you get as many goes as you want.
- Do you? Thank god for that cos I was going to waste it.
- Shaginbum is a bloke that lives in mum's village.
- Yes.
You call him Dad.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE - OK, let's start the clock again.
- I've got it! No, I don't.
It's GINGERBREAD.
GINGHAM, no.
Yes, Jon.
AMBUSHING Let's have a look and see.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE So the final scores are Russell and Roisin have 31 points but tonight's winners with 45 points, Jon and Phil! Congratulations.
You are now the proud owners of this, the Countdown Badminton Set! Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us.
Good night.
Now welcome your host, Jimmy Carr! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hey! Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, a show about letters, numbers and conundrums.
Did you know, for example, the country Iceland was originally called Butterland, whilst neighbouring Greenland was known as "I Can't Believe It's Not Butterland.
" The Albanian language has 30 words for eyebrows but, unfortunately, no word for tweezers.
And the original name of Winnie-the-Pooh was Edward the Bear.
It turns out Winnie-the-Pooh was just his stripper name.
Right, let's get started.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's Jon Richardson.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE In 2016, Jon became a father.
Must've been amazing, holding that child for the first time and thinking, "Wow.
Just nine months ago, I was sitting at home, "waiting for my wife to get back from her yoga retreat.
" What a weekend! And Jon's team-mate, Phil Wang! Phil Wang's here.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Phil Wang and I have always wanted to be in a double act together.
But, tragically, it will never work out because of our surnames.
"Wang-Carr" just sounds wrong.
Up against them this evening, - it's special guest team captain Russell Howard! - Hello.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Russell's T-shirts are so tight, he looks like a toddler that was granted a magic wish to be big.
- Oh, God.
- Joining Russell tonight, it's Roisin Conaty.
- Yay! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Incredibly, last time she was on the show, Roisin offered up a nine-letter word.
Unfortunately, that was during the numbers round.
I loved the bit during that gag where your face thought, "Did I?" OK.
Russell, this is the first time - you've been a team captain on this show.
- Yep.
How are you going to motivate Roisin? You sounded like you said motorboat! Yes, Russell, how are you going to motorboat Roisin? Tenderly.
And with great respect.
If we both score highly, you can motorboat me and then I'll motorboat you.
Oh, that's confidence in your pecs.
- Yeah - MUSCLE Howard! - Oh! - MUSCLE HOW-HARD.
- Yes I would, er APPLAUSE OK, how are you go to motivate Roisin this evening? The way I'm going to motivate Ros - Yeah? - Yeah.
- So every time - Hey, hey, hey - See? A lot of terrible-coloured red ones in there.
You want to get rid of those.
Well, you have that for a start.
And there's more where that came from.
Pick out the colours you don't like and send them back, is it? Jesus Christ.
- Don't listen.
- This country.
This country.
- Listen, I don't care.
- He's trying to get under your skin.
I'm not racist, I just don't like the red ones.
Russell, do you think you can beat Jon tonight? Absolutely not.
But we'll have a smashing time while we're here.
We are.
I think it's a bit You know, you've got two very smart people and two very blonde people.
- Yeah.
- But - A couple of jocks! It's a bit like The Hunger Games.
You could have given us Wang, but Don't say that! Why?! Come on! We are not helping ourselves! You want to motivate me, give me Wang! No - I think we've got a chance.
- Go on? - Imagine if Jon just forgot how to spell.
- Yeah.
How would you feel if you just couldn't spell any more? Er Dyslexic, I guess.
Roisin, what's your worst habit? My worst habit is probably not leaving parties when I'm drunk and then telling the host relentlessly about a sketch on SNL which is called The Thing That Wouldn't Leave.
And then still not leaving and then still telling them about this sketch about The Thing That Wouldn't Leave about six or seven times.
Other than that, I'm pretty much bang on.
We are always the last to leave, though.
The last three parties, it has been us at the end, - and then we've carried on.
- Yeah.
What party was this? Phil, it's your first time on the show.
Great to have you here.
What do you think you'll be better at, the numbers or the letters? What do you think? - I don't - Numbers.
Numbers till I die.
No, I reckon the numbers round.
Chinese people are naturally good at maths.
Actually, we need to keep track of all the photographs we take.
It says here you've had a lot of nicknames over the years.
- Talk us through some of the nicknames.
- Right, yeah.
Well, naturally, having the name Phil Wang opens you up to a lot of nicknames.
I've had, er Big Phil.
Er Silly Philly.
I don't like that one.
And Phil the Pill, because I'm a natural contraceptive.
And Wangnam Style.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE At school once, a guy, one of the older boys, came up to me and-and He just He pointed my gaze towards his groin and he had his penis sticking out of his trousers.
And he just looked me straight in the eye and just went, "I'm Phil Wang now.
" And now he's the President of America.
APPLAUSE - Jon, you used to live with Russell.
He's an old friend of yours.
- Mm-hm.
Do you know his weaknesses? I'd say, if he had a weakness, it's probably word and number games.
Should be a good night.
Like that party we were all at(!) Oh, yeah, that's his other weakness, inviting people to parties.
OK, Russell.
Have you got a mascot? I have decided to bring my mum as my mascot.
- Here she is, look at this.
Here you are, Mum.
- Oh, hello.
CHEERING What? Can I ask? Can I ask what happened? Did you have her on, like, a boil wash or something? Cos she's teeny-tiny.
- Don't, I won't say - Just say it, just say it.
Back off, fucker.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Very nice to see your mum, - cos you've done a lot of stuff about her over the years.
- Yeah.
Cos she's a tremendous lady.
Could you tell us something about Russell that we wouldn't know? Oh, what you wouldn't know? That he's absolutely terrified of little scampering mice.
Once, he came in from a late night, from one of his gigs, and a little mouse came in.
And then he ran in, the mouse ran into the lounge after him, he screamed his head off, and I went in, and he was on the coffee table, going HIGH-PITCHED: .
.
"Argh!" Or GRUFFLY: .
.
"Rargh!" - But the best thing was - What? I thought you were done.
.
.
three days later "Three days later, it came back and there was an army of them!" No, what I did - "They had little shields, Jim!" - Shush! What I did was I made a little fishing rod and I put a stuffed on the end of the fishing rod and woke him up with the end on his face, in the middle of the night.
- APPLAUSE - Yeah, yeah! Why not! Russell's mum, Ninette, everyone! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Roisin, have you got a mascot? - I have, Jimmy.
Now, I've done the show quite a lot, and I've burned through a lot of mascots.
I've lost I'm a very superstitious person and, basically, I've lost all of them.
I've lost too many good guys to this show.
So I've just worked out that maybe nothing's lucky.
So I'm trying a new thing.
I've just brought my wok.
I wondered where I put that! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Dad, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry to my father.
Basically, most things that are considered lucky are just things that sort of get a run out - clothes, things that get out into the world, get a bit of stage time.
And woks never get a chance to be lucky.
Tonight, this is its chance.
OK.
Phil, have you got a mascot? Yes, I do, Jimmy.
Well, now, I studied engineering at university.
Partly for the transferable technical skills, but mainly for the poontang.
APPLAUSE And, let me tell you, that did not work out.
Well, I'm never one to back out from a challenge and it's not every day that one gets a chance to try and chat up a maths genius, Rachel Riley.
Now, if I've learned anything about women, and I haven't it's that it's important to speak their language.
So I brought with me my old formula book from university.
I spent all night last night poring over this, to come up with the perfect maths-based pick-up line with which to woo Rachel with 100% effectiveness.
- LAUGHTER - Rachel If a train leaves Manchester for London at a speed of 30 metres per second at 12:20pm, and another train leaves Birmingham for Newcastle at a speed of 45 metres per second half an hour later, will you go out with me? LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Stick with it.
Jon, have you got a mascot? Yes, I've brought with me Russell's dad.
LAUGHTER No - I tried to book him, but he said, "The missus is away tonight and I'm going mental.
" LAUGHTER - Anyway, I've brought this little mouse! No, I didn't.
- LAUGHTER The first time Russell was on he brought me a present.
You brought me a present, didn't you, for my child.
- For your little daughter.
- I felt bad cos I hadn't got you anything.
So The one thing - and we know this, Ninette, the state of his motor Yeah.
I got you a bin to go in your car - Ooh - So this is Jeremy the Car Bin.
LAUGHTER Aww! It goes You put it on the back of the headrest, like that OK.
I thought I was going to wear it round my neck.
- LAUGHTER - You can do if you like.
- I can just do like that - and I can sort of drive AND snack.
- Yeah.
LAUGHTER I've put some gifts in - in the old days it would have been Frazzles and Diet Coke, - but you've gone a different way with your life.
- Oh, there you go LAUGHTER - It's 100% protein powder.
Thank you.
- LAUGHTER People might not know that Roisin, you actually you played matchmaker between me and my wife, didn't you, so - Yes, I did.
- You found me a wife, and as a result of that I had a child.
So you are inadvertently responsible for a life on the planet.
So I thought it would be nice for you to have a memento of the fact that there's life on the planet because of you.
- Thank you.
- So that's a dirty nappy there - Oh, nice! - LAUGHTER My absolute favourite.
Ooh, she's had a big dinner! There you go.
- Healthy baby! - LAUGHTER And these are for the two of you - these are some decompression sickness tablets cos you're going down! LAUGHTER Nice! APPLAUSE Over in Dictionary Corner, we have Nick Helm! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Nick Helm is comedy's answer to the question, "What would it look like if someone ate nothing but fish fingers and spaghetti hoops?" - Nick, what's the most romantic thing you've ever done? - Erm One of the most romantic things I ever did - and you WILL like this cos it's all about wisdom - is erm I was really good at technology in GCSE, and I got an A for technology GCSEs.
I met this girl that I really liked, and, well, I was in love with her.
And mymy mouth began hurting, and eventually what happened was I needed to get my wisdom teeth removed.
Right? Two at the top and two at the bottom(!) And erm LAUGHTER That's a Countdown joke - I mean, why are you fucking here?! - I think you take - Shut up, this is MY moment to shine! LAUGHTER Having to sit through all the fucking wok, and the fucking textbooks! LAUGHTER APPLAUSE And so er I used my technology GCSE, and I made them into earrings for her.
LAUGHTER Nick Helm, everyone! APPLAUSE And with Nick of course, it's Susie Dent! CHEERING Susie has written 14 books all about the derivations of words and phrases - where do you get your lack of ideas from? LAUGHTER Susie, Phil is half-Chinese - are there any Chinese words we should be made aware of? There are lots.
There's "kowtow".
.
- "Countdown"(?) - "Kowtow"! - LAUGHTER I think in the Chinese version it means "to knock heads".
Erm "Chin-chin", "gung ho" "Feng shui"? - "Feng shui" - Which literally means "wind and water.
" Cos you know you've got a good house if wind and water's comin' through.
LAUGHTER In charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley! CHEERING AND WHISTLING Well, we should probably crack on because judging by Rachel's dress, she clearly has a hen do to get to.
LAUGHTER I had quite a few hen dos this year actually.
Did you? One of them, I dressed up with my friend as a tortoise with a penis.
- LAUGHTER - That was my piece de resist I'm really proud of that.
- A tortoise with a penis? - Yeah.
She loves tortoises, so we all went And penises(!) LAUGHTER Well, you know, we were in Bristol.
LAUGHTER No, your mum's going, "Yeah, fair enough, yeah.
" "That was a good night actually, yeah.
"She really came out of her SHELL.
" LAUGHTER OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this - the Countdown badminton set.
WHOOPING LAUGHTER OK, let's Countdown, everyone, time for the first game.
Jon and Phil, you get first pick of the letters.
Phil, I'll let you pick the letters, but first I'd just like to point out that in a numbers game you take six, which is why a joke like "two from the top and two from the bottom" wouldn't work.
LAUGHTER You can silence me at the time, but I'll always have the last word.
I've got so much confidence this evening - even against the three of them.
- But let's be honest, we need to balance this out.
- OK.
Cos otherwise it's going to be a bloodbath.
- LAUGHTER - But with numbers and letters.
So I'm going to do this round without sound! LAUGHTER Can't hear a thing.
This is exactly what he wore to Glastonbury.
LAUGHTER I'm only - Rockin' out, weren't we, mate?! Rockin' out.
- LAUGHTER It's only for the game, you're not allowed to just bully me when I've got them on.
- You start picking the letters and I'll slip these on - Oh, sure.
- otherwise these lot can't resist an easy kill.
- LAUGHTER Hi, Rachel.
Could I please have a consonant? Thank you, Phil.
R.
Erm A vowel, please.
A Another vowel.
E Consonant.
S And another continent.
L Another consonant.
N And a vowel.
I Consonant.
M And aconsonant.
And the last one V OK.
And for the first time today, here's the Countdown Clock.
LAUGHTER Rachel, keep your eyes on the watch Relax and listen to my voice, you are feeling very sleepy Imagine you are talking to Susie Dent.
You are feeling LAUGHTER .
.
very sleepy.
When you wake up, you will see the love of your life in front of you.
And you will wake up when the clock ends.
CLOCK MUSIC ENDS Nothing's happened, Jimmy.
Jimmy! - LAUGHTER - Jimmy LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I love you Jimmy! All right, all right! OK I was looking at HER! Go to my dressing room, I'll see you later.
LAUGHTER Jon, how many letters? - Seven.
- Seven! OK - Phil, how many? Seven.
- Russell, how many did you get? - We got three six Four sixes.
So technically, you know, loads.
LAUGHTER Can you not work out how many four sixes is(?) LAUGHTER - Rois has got What have you got? - I've got four.
- Yeah.
You've got a four? ARSE LAUGHTER - We've got some really good sixes.
- What did you get, Russell? We had SLIMER, SLIVER and SILVER, - which are all cracking words.
- OK.
Phil, your seven? REMAINS - Oh! - Very good.
- REMAINS.
Jon - I also got REMAINS.
- Oh, that's convenient(!) LAUGHTER OK - well, seven to Jon and Phil.
APPLAUSE Could they have done any better? - Er, there is MINERALS for eight.
- Ooh, nice.
APPLAUSE On to our first numbers round.
Russell, Roisin, you get to pick the numbers.
I'm going blind with this one, Jimmy.
If you can do this blind, - I think that's going to be quite an achievement.
- I think so.
LAUGHTER OK Let's pick the numbers - quick as you can.
LAUGHTER Grabbed me bloody pen, hasn't he?! LAUGHTER - Just Ugh! - LAUGHTER Just take two from the top and two from the bottom.
LAUGHTER I'll sting you blindfolded, mate! APPLAUSE JIMMY HOOTS WITH LAUGHTER - Pick the numbers.
- Erm - the good ones, Rach.
- OK.
And for this round, they are 1, 4 My kinda numbers.
.
.
9, 3, 10 Oh, Christ.
.
.
and 100.
And the target: OK, and your time starts now.
OK.
So the target was 211.
Jon, did you get it? Is there a 7? LAUGHTER There is no 7.
Yeah, 211.
- Go on, how did you get it? - No, give me a minute.
Ask everyone else.
- No, come on, how did you get it? - Well, I did 3 - 1 = 2 2 x 100 = 200 - Yeah.
OK - RACHEL: Are you sure? 9 10 No Fuck it.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE OK - Phil.
Did you get it? - Mm-hm.
Russell, did you get it? No, I've drawn a picture of myself on a jet ski.
Done a little beard there, why not? Roisin, did you get it? No LAUGHTER How many DID you get? I've got3 - 1 = 2 2 x 100 No, no, just - what was the number you got? I need to work it out again.
LAUGHTER I've got 214.
- 214, OK.
- But hang on, you said 3 - 1 = 2 2 x 100 - and then you got - 200.
- Yeah, and then you still got to 14? LAUGHTER - Plus 10 - For one away - Eh? - LAUGHTER Oh, yeah, I should have stuck with that.
Sorry.
LAUGHTER - Phil, how did you do it? - 100 x 3 = 300 9 x 10 = 90 90 - 1 = 89 300 - 89 = 211 Lovely.
Phil Wang, everyone.
APPLAUSE Phil Wang.
OK, so Russell and Roisin have no points, Jon and Phil have 17.
APPLAUSE OK, time to go across now to Dictionary Corner - - Nick, what have you got for us? - UNENTHUSIASTICALLY: Hello, Jimmy.
- LAUGHTER - I'm going to do a poem.
And people are always asking me who my favourite poet is, and I tell them, "I wouldn't really be doing this "if I didn't believe in myself 100%.
" So LAUGHTER It's been really nice to meet you and getting to know you these last few days And if you'd like to keep in contact then I think that would be just great Maybe you could write to me and then we could be like pen pals But I suppose people don't really write letters any more Cos it's normally all e-mails Which is a shame I understand you live there and I live all the way over here But you're more than welcome to drop by any time if you're ever near And if you need a place to crash you could have my sofa bed But my real bed's pretty big really so you could share with me instead And if you wanted to stay for more than one night - two, three or four You wouldn't even need to ask me cos you could even stay for five LAUGHTER If after a while you wanted to move your things in bit by bit Then I'd empty half a shelf for you where your toothbrush could sit And if after a while you wanted to move yourself in all at once Then I think that would be OK too and I would jump at the chance If after thinking about it you wanted to go halvesies on a pet Then it would have to be a dog cos I'm allergic to cats And after a few weeks we could think about getting married and Picking out spots for honeymoons where over thresholds you'd be carried Then a few weeks after that we could think about family options But if one of us was barren we could look into adoption LAUGHTER JIMMY HOOTS WITH LAUGHTER Cos there's a lot of children out there that don't have a mum or dad But I reckon we'd make good ones or at least ones not so bad And we could get jobs and promotions doing things we really like And buy our kid the stuff you buy like dolls and skates and bikes And I'll teach him or her to ride it like my daddy did for me And you can put the plasters on when they fall and graze their knee And we'll send them off to university and comfort each other when they're gone And I'll hold you in my arms and tell you term time's not that long And I'd make you know your sacrifice was never left unnoticed And the kid we had and raised together was worth not getting promoted And maybe you'd irritated by my constant snoring But then again, maybe I - Would find your stories boring - LAUGHTER But me and you, side by side, walking hand in hand With no even little arguments are all part of the plan And when we're old and fat and grey with twinkling in our eyes I'll love you and forgive you for looking at those other guys I'll bet spending my life with you will make us want to live forever And maybe we'll be lucky and our lives will end together For knowing you these last few days has turned my life around And I thank my maker every day For this person that I've found.
Or we could just leave it? LAUGHTER APPLAUSE JIMMY HOOTS WITH LAUGHTER Nick Helm, everyone! APPLAUSE And here is your teaser, the words are LIKE WANG, the clue - a bit soft.
That's LIKE WANG - a bit soft.
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were LIKEWANG, the clue was "a bit soft.
" It was, of course, weakling.
So Jon and Phil are in the lead.
They've been playing in teams so far.
But this game is just for Russell and Jon.
So, Russell, your turn to choose the letters.
And then lose the gameto Jon.
I'm going blindfold and earmuffs.
Good luck, mate.
LAUGHTER - I'll have a vowel, please.
- Thank you, Russell.
And can I have a couple of consonants? - What do you want next, Mum? - A vowel.
She'll have a vowel, please.
Let's Three consonants.
Oh, Jesus.
Have you guessed what it is? Can I have a vowel? And another consonant, please.
And the last one.
OK, and your time starts now.
LAUGHTER LAUGHTER APPLAUSE OK, Russell.
What have you got? - II got a - It's spelt wrong, isn't it? It is, yeah.
LAUGHTER Ha-ha-ha-ha-HA! I only got a four.
I sort of made my own word up, but I don't think it's a thing.
You've got four.
OK.
Jon? Jon.
Phil, can you hit? No, hit him.
LAUGHTER - How many, Jon? - I've got a safe five or a risky six.
- Go risky, you're a dangerous man.
- What did he declare? - A four.
I'll stick with my safe five, then.
There's no point in making a fool of myself, is there? LAUGHTER - OK, Russell, what was your fourth? - WHISPERS: Say FOSSIL.
It was a five, actually, and it was a FOSSIL.
It was what, sorry? I miscounted, Jimmy.
I got FOSSIL, but I also You fucking spelt that wrong as well.
LAUGHTER - Well, for four, what four did you get? - We got ROSE, Jimmy.
- ROSE? - And we got SLIP which is also a four.
I love you, but your cheating isn't helping me.
OK, Jon what did you get? What did you get Rain Man? I got a bloody 12.
- LIFER.
- Is LIFER in there, Susie? - LIFER is fine.
So despite the blindfold and earmuffs, Jon gets five points.
APPLAUSE Nick, Susie.
- I got two sevens all by myself.
- Did you? What do you get? PROFITS and FILTERS.
But there was an eight which was - TREFOILS.
- TREFOILS.
- Which means? Plants with your little yellow flowers that are in the pea family.
TREFOILS.
OK, so at the end of that, Russell and Roisin have NO points.
- Stop emphasising! - Yeah! - You're running into that word now.
- You're like, N-NO points every time.
- OK, fine.
I'll do it the other way round.
So, at the moment, Jon and Phil have 22 points, Russell and Roisin have none.
LAUGHTER Time now for Phil and Roisin to go head-to-head in the numbers round.
Or as I like to think of it, David versus Goliath.
LAUGHTER Come on, David, you can do it! - I know I can do it.
- Your damn right she can do it.
Let's double down.
Let's double the points for this one.
If you pricks want to go.
LAUGHTER Roisin, if you get this, we'll give you double points.
Phil, you are picking the numbers.
I'll do the two from the top - and the four from the bottom, please.
- OK.
I've just always wanted to say that.
And the target 363.
And your time starts now.
OK, so the target was 363.
- Phil, did you get it? - No.
I got close.
- Oh, yes! - What did you get? - 360.
Well, you brought great shame on your family.
LAUGHTER Can we get the ceremonial sword on standby? LAUGHTER OK, Roisin, did you get it? Yes, she did, yes, she did.
LAUGHTER - I've got close.
- Yeah.
- How close did we get to 363? - 360.
OK, so how did you get it? - 6 x 75 is 450.
- Yeah.
450 - 100 is 350.
Yeah.
+ 10.
- Is - Yeah? And then what have you got left over? So what's the next bit? - You are on 360.
- And what number have I got left? - A 10 and a 7.
So? LAUGHTER + 10 - 7.
Fucking got it! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Let's all hold it.
Well, that's double points for Roisin.
THEY CHEER OK, so that evens up the scores somewhat.
So now Roisin and Russell have 20 and Phil and Jon have 22.
APPLAUSE Here we come, here we come.
OK, time to go across to Dictionary Corner once again.
Nick, what have you got for us? So I've got another poem that I'm going to do.
Just sort of like psyching myself up so I can do it.
HE SNORTS Right, so this is a poem, it's called Delicate.
Your love was like a delicate seashell You collected it from the ocean floor And handed it to me with trust And I took that trust And I smashed it I smashed it with a hammer, a hammer, a hammer I smashed it with a hammer I took that trust And I smashed it, I smashed it with a hammer LAUGHTER Your love was like a fragile ladybird You held it on your finger And made a wish Before gently blowing it with your sweet, gentle breath And I took that wish and I SMASHED it I smashed it with a hammer a hammer, a hammer I smashed it with a hammer I took that wish and I smashed it I smashed it with a hammer LAUGHTER Your love .
.
was like a DECKCHAIR! LAUGHTER You rented it from the man at the seaside And set it up with care and attention And I took that care and I SMASHED it! I SMASHED it with a HAMMER! A HAMMER, a HAMMER I SMASHED it with a HAMMER! I took that care and I SMASHED it Smashed it with a hammer Your love was like a complicated Scalextric set LAUGHTER You set it up for me in the den as a surprise for my birthday With thought, accuracy and a keen eye for bends LAUGHTER I took that thought and I SMASHED it! I SMASHED IT WITH A HAMMER! A HAMMER, A HAMMER! I SMASHED it with a HAMMER! QUIETLY: I took that care and I smashed it I smashed it with a hammer.
Stop .
.
hammer time.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Nick Helm, everyone.
I think we can all agree, he has killed, and he will kill again.
LAUGHTER And here is your teaser.
The words are TITSLUBE, the clue is "my gran needs this".
That's TITSLUBE, my gran needs this.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were TITS LUBE the clue was - my gran needs this.
It was of course SUBTITLE.
Before we get on with the game, Jon, Russell, I know you used to live together and used to go on holiday together.
- We did once, didn't we? - Yeah, we did one time.
- Where did you go to? - We went to Spain.
- Living la vida loca.
- Yeah.
I'm told you used to play a special again on holiday.
Russell, what was the game? It goes by two names.
Flinchosa, or Smash Your Face.
Basically you stand near each other and you throw a ball and if you hit the other person in the face, you get two points.
If you get a body shot, one point.
If they flinch, you also get another point, whether you hit them are not, so you can get a maximum of three.
Head and flinch.
Heh-heh! - Three.
- I didn't think a body shot counted.
- I thought it was face on nothing.
- That's why you lost often.
I would love to see Jon get hit in the face with a tennis ball.
So, Jon and Russell, make your way to the middle of the stage - for the first-ever televised game of the Flinchosa.
- Oh, exciting! I've got tennis balls here.
Grab a basket.
No, grab the basket.
One each, one each.
Yeah, Flinchosa! I think it'd be fair if you gave him one of those baskets.
And you want to go there, otherwise I'm going to hit him.
- Who? - Jimmy.
- How hard are you throwing it? If it gets past me and hits him, you're throwing it too hard.
I'm not going to throw it hard.
Put your blindfold on.
So, the rules are - a shot to the face, you get two points, a shot to the body, you get one point and if the other person flinches, one point.
Whether you hit them or not.
So, for example, if it went past here .
.
and he wentohhh! - I'd get a point.
- OK.
I've been getting nosebleeds recently, I'll just warn you now.
I told you, you shouldn't be going up the stairs.
OK, Russell and Jon, you're going to get three goes each.
- Jon, you're to go first.
- OK, all right.
Go steady, you psycho.
- A flinch and a body shot.
- Two points, two points.
Come on, you know the rules, hands away from your balls.
I know thrills count when we're not playing.
- Three.
- This game Why do they bother with the Olympics? Aaargh! See, that would have been a face shot, but he turned away.
I think that's four points.
- It wasn't going in the face and you turned away.
- No.
- You flinched, Russell.
- Yeah, so a flinch is two.
- A flinch and a body shot.
- Yeah.
Two points to Jon.
A flinch and a face shot.
- He didn't flinch, God bless him.
- Took it right on the face.
Two points.
Be careful, those teeth are expensive.
- Oh, lovely.
- Ugly, really ugly to see, that.
Aaargh! - He's taking away from it.
- That was a flinch, it was a flinch.
- OK.
- Russell.
- My ball's coming straight for your dick.
It's going to have to be a good shot.
I'm flinching already.
He flinched.
OK, let's bring out the big balls.
- Wow.
- OK, this is your last go.
One more shot each.
Russell, you're in the lead.
Jon, your shot.
It's a head shot.
Two points.
- No flinch.
- Take his fucking head off! - This is it? - This is it.
OK, Russell won the game so that's five points to his team.
That was a bloody joke, that.
It was like street Flinchosa, it was pathetic.
OK, on with the game.
Jon and Phil, your turn to choose the letters.
OK.
Can I have a vowel? Thank you, Phil, A.
Consonant.
P Consonant.
N A vowel.
U A consonant.
P A consonant.
S A vowel.
E Another vowel.
I And a consonant.
And the last one OK, and your time starts now.
OK, Phil, how many did you get? - Seven letters.
- John, how many? Nine.
Oh, well done, mate! OK, Russell, how many letters? - I've only got four.
Very bad.
- Roisin? - If there's a bit of generosity in the room - Of course there is.
- There's actually loads.
- I've got NEPTUNE if you forgive the last E.
As team captain, I'll step in and I will pardon the second E.
Unfortunately, there's only one N, so you're fucked either way.
LAUGHTER OK, Russell, what did you have? I had SEAP.
How you spelling SEEP? I think I might have spelt it wrong.
- OK, Phil, what was your seven? - PEANUTS.
- Very good.
- John Richardson, a nine-letter word.
There's always cause for celebration on this show when someone gets a nine-letter word, quite an achievement.
So, we have a paparazzi in this country and they're well known for taking pictures on the zoom lens from far away and it's not very nice.
But if you take a picture that is particularly polite to the person and you go right up to them and say, "Do you mind if I take a picture and put it in the paper?" That is the UNPAPIEST picture you could take.
The least paparazzi-like behaviour.
It's not there.
So seven points to Phil.
Mick, Susie, could they have done any better? Yeah, course they fucking could! They could have used letters that were actually up there.
- There was an eight, which was the top dog.
- PETUNIAS.
OK, so at the end of that, Russell and Roisin have 25, Jon and Phil are just in the lead with 29.
And here is your final teaser.
The words are LADY PISS.
The clue is - what a great show.
That's LADY PISS.
What a great show.
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser.
The words were LADY PISS.
The clue was - what a great show.
It was, of course, DISPLAYS.
OK, time for our final letters game.
Russell and Roisin, you get to choose the letters.
- Mum, do you want to choose it? - OK, I will.
- A constonant, please.
- Thank you, Russell's mum.
R And a vowel, please.
- O - And a constonant, please.
- N - A vowel, please.
- A - Another vowel.
- O - And a constonant.
- K - A constonant.
- ConsOnant! - D - And another constonant.
- N.
- And a vowel.
- Doesn't matter.
- And an E.
OK, and your 30 seconds starts now.
LAUGHTER Oh, we've got biscuits.
Thank you.
APPLAUSE - A gingerbread man.
- Oh, it's a gingerbread me! A gingerbread you.
I've got a gingerbread Susie.
You can eat that if you want.
You're more than welcome.
Roisin's quite pretty.
Look at that.
- Is it edible? - Yes, of course it's edible.
- I always have to ask.
I've got one for Phil.
Look at that.
It's quite nice.
- These are great.
- Oh, wow! One for Jon.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE - Russell, how many letters? - Six.
- Roisin, how many letters? - Five.
But I've also got a four I really want to say.
- What's your four? - NERD.
- Phil, how many? - Six, which might not be a word.
- OK, and Jon? - A six.
Roisin, what's your five? RAKED - OK, Russell, what's your six? - DARKEN is what I got, Jim.
- DARKEN.
- Very good.
- It's not.
- Yep, you're right.
- What, sorry? I've already tried to bite into it and I really gave it a good go and she wouldn't give.
LAUGHTER - Phil? - I don't know if it's a word - ROOKED.
Is that a chess term? I play.
I don't think anyone was in any doubt if you play chess or not.
LAUGHTER Yeah, it's absolutely fine.
- Jon, your six? - NOOKER.
WEST COUNTRY ACCENT: Down the club, game of 'nooker.
- No NOOKER.
- So six points to both teams.
APPLAUSE Nick, Susie, could they have done any better? No.
There was no more than six.
OK, so Russell and Roisin have 31.
Jon and Phil have 35.
APPLAUSE Roisin, the inedible gingerbread man, how's that going? LAUGHTER How that going down? I talked her round.
- How much is left of that gingerbread man? - She's literally legless.
OK, fingers on buzzers.
Time for today's crucial Countdown Conundrum.
Everything to play for.
Your time starts now.
BELL - Careful.
- Russell.
What? You only get one go, so just talk for a bit while you're thinking.
We only get one go? - No, you get as many goes as you want.
- Do you? Thank god for that cos I was going to waste it.
- Shaginbum is a bloke that lives in mum's village.
- Yes.
You call him Dad.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE - OK, let's start the clock again.
- I've got it! No, I don't.
It's GINGERBREAD.
GINGHAM, no.
Yes, Jon.
AMBUSHING Let's have a look and see.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE So the final scores are Russell and Roisin have 31 points but tonight's winners with 45 points, Jon and Phil! Congratulations.
You are now the proud owners of this, the Countdown Badminton Set! Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us.
Good night.