It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s10e02 Episode Script

Happy New Year 2016 - New Year, New Color ;-) You have a boyfriend? I have a boyfriend.
Is it that hard to believe? I got a boyfriend.
His name's Ryan.
- How the hell did you get a boyfriend? - I met him on Bunchers.
Right, so you went on a group date with ugly chicks to make yourself look good and tricked a guy.
Yes, of course.
That's exactly what I did.
And it worked well.
And-And now we're going steady.
- That's a good trick.
- Bunchers sounds like the '70s.
Bunch of people would get together.
Next thing you know, it was all asses and hands and tits and I could slip right in and out without anybody noticing.
It was great.
I can definitely brush up on my game.
I don't know if you guys have noticed this, but, like I'm kind of having a hard time closing the deal with the waitress.
- I-I-Is he - Yeah, we've noticed.
Maybe I can go on some group dates with you, and you can show me some skills and I can figure out the final move that I need to Oh, let's do them at Paddy's.
We could make a bunch of money.
- That's a good idea.
- We can make a bunch of money.
I'll tell you what, as an erotic man I have been keeping my eye on this Bunchers situation and I gotta say I'm into it.
I'll tell you what.
I will take you two under my wing and show you the DENNIS system in action.
Sounds great.
I, myself, am all tied down, so I can't participate.
But, uh, I think it'd be great to jump in on this trend.
- Mm-hmm.
- All right.
Here's to orgies.
- I'm, like, sweating through my pants.
- Yeah.
- Do you want some cheese? - You brought cheese? - Yeah, need some? - Yeah.
Let me see that.
Right? Focus up, guys.
Come on.
The girls are gonna be here soon.
Cheese.
Right.
Why do you have a dog leash? Oh.
Good question.
Yeah.
It's for the first "D" in the DENNIS system.
See, the girls will see the leash, and I'll say, "I've got a rescue dog outside" thereby, "D," demonstrating my value as a compassionate man.
- Right.
- Later, when we go outside, the dog will be missing.
I'll become hysterical and suggest that maybe the dog ran back to the apartment.
We'll go back to the apartment.
The dog won't be there either, and the girl will console me.
- With sex.
- Oh! - What happened to the dog? - He let it go.
It probably got obliterated by a taxi or something.
- Bet that's what happened.
Shit.
Poor thing.
- No, no, no.
There never was a dog.
- Oh, my God! - Wait, wait, wait.
- There was no dog? - Wait, I am totally lost here.
- It's a made-up scenario Follow my lead.
- I thought you got a dog.
Hey.
Mac, Charlie and Dennis? - Yes! Hi.
- Good evening, ladies.
- Hi, baby.
- What the hell? - Thanks.
- All right.
Oh, I am gonna make a shitload of cash tonight, which is good because I just dropped a whole bunch of money on a new promise ring for my man.
Oh, you're proposing? Good.
Smart.
Corral him, because God knows he'll never ask you.
No, I'm not proposing.
I'm promising my fidelity in our new relationship.
I deactivated my Bunchers account and I changed my Facebook status to "in a relationship.
" Why would you do that? I told you.
'Cause we're going steady.
He's my main squeeze.
You sound like a 12-year-old.
It's a total turnoff.
My cock ring is sliding off.
Why my father is talking to me with a cinch around his penis is beyond my grasp.
You gotta be ready for when the orgy breaks out.
Oh, shit.
It fell off.
- Oh! - Help me find it.
What, this guy? Oh, well, he His name's Henry.
- He's a dog.
- He's a dog.
Uh, yeah.
Named him after my grandfather, who I'm very, very close to.
No, Henry's a great little guy.
I tell ya, when I snuggle up next to him on the couch, I'd swear that He was the one who rescued me.
- Oh, that's so sweet.
- Oh, God.
The waitress got bit by a chow once, and I kicked the shit out of the thing.
- You kicked a dog? - Yeah.
- Well, you know, for the waitress.
- Who's the waitress? - Nobody, nobody.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
No.
Nobody? She's the woman I'm in love with, you know? I follow her around a lot.
She doesn't really give me the time of day.
That's cool though, 'cause I'm not gonna give up on her.
You don't give up on something that beautiful.
- All right.
- She's not beautiful.
Everybody's banged her, except for me.
She was like, "I want to do hand stuff," and I was like, "You're gross.
" - Keep this up.
See what happens.
- Yeah, what are you gonna do? - I will strike you down.
- Okay.
- I will strike you down! - You're gonna strike me down? Hang on.
See? That's a - That's our thing.
- They're doing a bit.
Sorry, that was a joke.
- You wanna do something fun? - Yeah.
- I do, I do.
- Yeah.
- Let's mix up the seating arrangement.
- We'll mix up the seating.
Kim, I'm detecting a little bit of a vibe from you - so why don't you come sit where he's sitting? - I'll move! - You sit where she's sitting.
- I'll stay here.
No, you're gonna switch places with Becky.
Right? Because while I don't particularly find you conventionally attractive I do find you oddly sexy.
Excuse me? That was a compliment.
Um, sorry, that came out weird.
Excuse me.
You guys work here, right? - Yeah.
- Can I get a drink? Y Go ask one of the other ones.
- What other ones? - The other ones the bird lady, the-the troll man.
- Ask them for a drink.
We're on a date.
- Are you touching my leg? Ah, he's engaging you physically.
- Don't label it.
- You were supposed to want that because he was supposed to tell the dog story to demonstrate his value, and I botched it.
- He has a system for women.
- W-Well, don't talk about the system.
The system happens without them knowing it.
- There is no system.
- Yeah, yeah.
- And there is no dog.
- The system is not a thing.
The dog is a thing.
Uh, guys.
Let's, um Let's talk about something fun, that's fun for me.
Don't move away from me.
What You're moving closer to men who eat trash or bang transsexuals? Move close to me! Ryan? Hi! - How are you? - Dee! Oh, hey, what's up? Are you surprising me at work, you stinker? I love that! You're so cute.
Guess what.
I got you a little surprise too.
Yeah.
I didn't know you worked here.
It's so strange.
Um, yeah, I'm actually on a Buncher.
- Wait.
What? - Yeah, they should be here any minute.
It was good seeing you.
- Oh.
- What do you got? What's in the box? No, that That's just a It's a cock ring.
- It's a cock ring, just from all my lovers.
- Oh.
- It's kind of small, huh? - Well, it's my dad's.
So Huh.
Weird.
- I'm breaking up with you.
- Right.
Well, I didn't know that we were together.
Look, can I get a beer? We killed it, boys.
We killed it.
This was a great idea.
Yeah, but the date sucked.
No, I think the date went pretty well for me.
It did suck for you guys though.
Those girls are probably at their apartments right now trying to figure out how to get in touch with me.
Unbelievable.
Goddamn son of a bitch.
Buy you a promise ring, you're out flitting around, dating other people? I shouldn't have given this guy a five-star rating.
He didn't deserve it, and then he used it against me! What's this now? You're rating people? Yeah, it's that site, Raters.
Girls can rate guys they go on dates with.
They rate them? Like - What do you mean? A star rating or something? - Yeah.
I'm gonna take that guy's five-star rating, I'm gonna give him a zero.
- Hey, wait a second.
- Hang on a second.
Are we rated on there? Yep.
- Ah! - We are? - What? - Holy shit.
Let me see.
Oh! Wait.
One star? Out of five? - Yep, yep.
- No, no.
Oh, shit! Me and Charlie got two stars! Oh! Nice! We're better than you, dude! That's bullshit.
No, no.
The only reason I was rated one star is 'cause I was brought down by you two morons, all right? I was a five-star man before the Internet and I'm damn sure a five-star man now.
I just gotta drop the dead weight so I can shine.
Goddamn it.
Goddamn it! He's out, I'm in.
Let's swing.
Oh, this poor jerk has no idea.
He's about to get played like a goddamn guitar.
- Only one guy? - Yeah.
I'm doing Sparkers now.
Isn't that what you're doing? You got rid of Mac and Charlie.
Yeah, no, I did, but I still want three girls, you know? - I like having the options.
- Yeah.
I'll make some shit up about where the other guys are.
- Can I get a drink, please? - Not now.
Ask one of the other ones.
- Yeah.
- The dirty one or the gay one.
Frank, why do we have to be in here? We should be out there, gettin' our swings in, dude.
Because we're not ready.
We need a game plan.
We can't risk losing our two-star rating.
- That's a good point.
- Right.
- Don't want to lose any stars.
- Okay.
A good date is all about conversation.
If we could master some pleasant banter and then punctuate it with a joke, we'd be in good shape.
- Sounds easy enough.
- Yeah, all right.
We can do that.
Okay, all right.
What are some of the things we could talk about? - Ah.
Creatine shits.
- Creatine shits? Yeah.
Oh, creatine is a workout supplement.
It shows that I care about my body.
What's shitting it out got to do with anything? Oh, well, that demonstrates an inside knowledge of the product.
It shows that I'm not just mentioning it, I actually use it.
No.
I think we should avoid talking about muscles and men's bodies and shits.
I mean, it sends the wrong message.
We should also avoid talking about the waitress, Charlie.
Why? It's, like, a super romantic thing to talk about.
It's a love story for the ages.
Yeah, I think you should actually bring it up.
Also, who's gonna say grace? We should figure that out now.
Wait, wait, okay.
Listen.
Maybe we should concentrate on stuff not to talk about.
So, what, you're, like, a chiropractor or some shit? - A spinal surgeon actually.
- Cool.
Yeah, cool.
Oh, what, this? Henry.
Henry the dog.
He's lost.
Probably dead.
Look, let's cut to the chase.
I like you.
I like you very much.
This is gonna happen.
Cheers.
- Whoa! That's strong.
- Mmm.
I'm not much of a drinker.
No? I'll get two more.
Hey.
Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
So, um, where are the other guys? Oh, yeah, it's Fair enough.
The other guys got tied up.
They couldn't make it.
But, uh, fortunately, I possess all of their good qualities.
All right.
- Ladies, these things can be a little bit awkward, right? - Yes.
- What do you say we do some shots? - Yes, please.
- Please.
- Yeah, let's do it.
Oh! What is that? What are you doing? Are you rating me? No.
No, I'm just checking my phone.
Oh.
That's cool.
Cool.
If you were to rate me, what would you put? - I don't know.
I - Oh.
You can't not know, right? That's stupid.
It's simple.
It's one out of five.
If it were a one-out-of-five thing, and it is, what would you give me? The obvious five-star rating, or would you be a liar? Can we stop talking about ratings? Yeah.
Of course we can.
That's stupid.
Why would we even Yeah.
Oh! I have a rescue dog outside.
- Okay.
- That was jarring.
There was no context for that.
Sorry, sorry.
I'm just Sorry.
My rhythm's a little bit is a little bit off.
I'm thrown because I-I kind of want to just Can we just get the rating thing out of the way? I feel like it's a thing now.
What's going on here, dude? Were there really other guys? Of course there were.
I don't like the way you asked that.
- Switch with her.
- Oh, my God.
You know what? I think we're gonna go.
Okay, fine.
Then I don't want you to rate me.
- That's not what I want anymore.
- I was never going to rate you.
- But now I definitely am.
- Oh.
- How many stars? - Oh, my God! God.
Looks like the spider caught herself a fly.
Uh, we can't talk about snakes or smells? What else is there? - Uh, can you put Jews in the "yes" column? - What? We gotta get it out in the open.
- Leave the Jews out of it.
- No, because they have their "J" sites.
They don't wanna be with us as much as we don't wanna be with them.
- I don't support any of that.
- No, no, that-that-that I'm concerned the person I'm gonna be dating killed the savior of the world.
- That's all! That's all I'm concerned about! - Put religion in the "no.
" - Let's switch gears and go to the joke.
- Yeah.
Oh, oh! I got a great one about a dago fisherman.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Ethnic jokes are really dicey.
You can't do that.
You gotta keep it light.
Like, uh, a cowboy and a teacher walk into a bar.
Yeah, but that doesn't make sense, 'cause cowboys hate teachers.
Cowboys are independent thinkers who like to learn for themselves.
All right, look.
I think we're gettin' bogged down here.
Why don't we just go out and do a dry run with some broads and see how we do on our feet? Okay, but what about our stars? I mean If things go wrong, I'll blow this whistle and call the date before they have a chance to get to know us.
Mmm.
Let's just keep it simple.
Let's just start with our names.
Hi, ladies.
I'm Frack.
Shit.
Now I'm a half a star? Half a star? How does a five-star man get a You know what? It's these group dates.
That's what's doing it.
There's just too many variables.
The girls feel too safe.
I gotta get 'em in a one-on-one scenario.
- Sorry.
I've gotta get to work at the hospital.
- The hospital.
Do you? Yeah.
I've never had a one-night stand before.
- Mmm, mmm.
- I hope this isn't that.
Oh, no! I'm gonna call you.
Okay.
Call you one star, bitch.
Ha! - Pass me that computer.
- What are you doing? One star? - That guy was awesome.
- Hmm.
- Is he a doctor? - Yeah, he was a doctor and super hot.
This feels good.
Okay, you know what? You're a heartless pig.
That's what's happening.
You lead a man on, have sex with him and throw him in the trash? You've been doing that to women for years.
Yes, but I don't rate them online for everyone to see.
- Don't all your sex tapes have star ratings? - Yeah, but that's different.
That doesn't go on the Internet.
That's just for me.
And Mac.
And Charlie.
Okay.
You know what? It doesn't matter.
It's my turn.
This is my time.
It's Dee's time.
I even have my own system.
The DEE system.
Do them.
Establish low rating.
Increase power.
Increase is spelled with an "I.
" Okay, well, then, uh, infuriate them when they find out - Another "I.
" - Empower! It doesn't The word doesn't matter.
It's-It's the system Ah, I don't care about you.
You know what? This is the problem, Dee.
You can't even spell, much less come up with a decent system.
And now your slapdash opinions are gonna be thrown across the Internet for everyone to see.
You know, these ratings, they follow a man around.
They're gonna ruin this man's reputation.
Well, sucks to be him.
But the thing about a rating is you don't know the quality of the person who's giving the rating, right? I mean, for instance, some dum-dum goes into a Morton's Steakhouse.
She orders a steak well-done and then complains when the damn thing comes out too dry.
Well, it's like, "Hey, dum-dum, you ordered the damn thing well-done.
That's why it's dry, you stupid idiot.
" Not bad, a little stiff.
Got tripped up on the conversation portion - but we're improving.
- Mm-hmm.
- Hey.
- Oh, hey.
How'd your date go? Uh, not great.
She ditched me.
Yeah, this rating thing It's messing with my head.
It's throwing my game off.
I think I need to target some more undesirable women.
You know? Pick up some easy stars.
I think that'll get me out of this funk.
- We made it past introductions.
- Oh, yeah? Yeah, and Wow, check out Dee, man.
She's killing it! - She's got it down! - Forget her! - Let's get back on the horse.
- All right.
Come on.
- So you guys own this bar? - Officially, yes.
Unofficially, we're so much more.
- I like to think of us as mercenaries, a strike force - Frank's management.
I'm security.
Charlie bashes rats.
I don't really bash 'em so much as drown them these days so I don't have to listen to their screams.
He's a five-star dog 'cause I wouldn't rescue a four-star or a three-star dog certainly not a half-star dog.
Oh, I like cats too.
I actually have 80 of them that live in my alleyway.
Too many cats.
Sounds strange.
I have eight cats that sleep in my sink.
Still too many.
I don't have any cats, but I sure do enjoy them.
I mean, half a star? It doesn't change the five-star man, who he is.
I'm a five-star man! I'm a five-star man! One.
One.
One.
One.
One.
One.
I'm a five-star man! - Hello, Dennis.
- Hi.
Hi.
Thank you so much for coming.
Uh, please, sit.
So, what do you want? Frankly, I've I've hit a bit of a rough patch.
And it's made me realize that I have not been the best to women.
You included.
I've manipulated.
I've judged.
I've ignored your feelings for pursuits of the flesh.
But now I know what it feels like to be completely unwanted like you.
And it doesn't feel good.
Oh, that's really big of you to say.
This is for you.
- My God, are you proposing? - No.
No, no.
No.
I'm not proposing.
I would never, uh No, this is, um It's a promise ring.
- Oh.
- So, from now on, Waitress I promise to be nice and true.
- I have a name.
- Do you want the ring or not? I do, yes.
Thank you.
Wow! Thank you.
And in return, of course, I would ask that you promise something to me.
- To be your girlfriend.
- No! No.
Stop, okay? D-Don't do that.
Just need you to give me a good rating on an Internet Web site.
- Oh, okay.
Yeah, sure.
I can - Yeah? - Yeah.
- That would mean so much to me.
- It really would.
- Okay.
I, um I don't have online though.
- What does that You don't have online? - No.
What the hell does that You can just do it on your phone.
My phone is It's so old.
Oh, my God! That phone is preposterous! - How long have you had that? - Nine Ninety Ninety! How do you get on the Internet? I don't.
I don't do, like, the e-mails.
"The e-mails"? It's e-mail.
It's just e-mail.
Who doesn't have the Internet in this day and age? What am I doing? Why am I lowering myself to this? I don't need your approval.
Goddamn.
I don't need anyone's approval.
This is stupid.
What are you doing, huh? You rating me right now? Well, guess what.
Go ahead, rate me! 'Cause I'll rate you, huh? Go ahead, rate me! I don't give a shit! Rate I'll rate you! Zero! Zero! Zero! Rate! - Okay, sir - Rate! - Sir, you need to leave, okay? - Rate! Rate! Zero! Zero! I will rate every single woman in this restaurant! - So, he had the mule - But he forgot the water.
Then the guy looks up and he says, "Wait a second.
Where am I? In Ohio?" You guys are so funny.
Oh, thanks, thanks.
Can you give us a second? - Holy shit! - What the fuck are we gonna do? - We've never gotten this far! - These girls are ready to bang.
- What do we say? What do we do? - We're gonna have to go off script.
No, no, Frank, blow the whistle.
Call it, call it.
- We gotta bail.
- What, are you kidding me? Are you crazy? We've come too far to call it! - My stomach's killing me.
Should we talk about that? - No.
- I got the shits.
I do have the shits.
- No, no! Not good.
Try another joke, quick! Another joke.
I got it.
Ladies, got another one for you.
- There's this dago fisherman - Oh, shit! No, no, Charlie! Charlie, we got it.
Oh, shit! - There goes my cock ring! - His cock ring fell! I got the power, girls.
You think you can rate me? Bullshit! Rate Zero! Zero! Zero rating! Zero rating! Ha-ha! Yeah, I got the power! How does it feel, ladies? I don't give a shit.
Yeah! Get the hell outta You know what? I want every single lady in here out of here! Where Where are all are all the ladies? Oh, uh, you know, the crowd's kind of been thinning out.
I think it's because we haven't really been tending bar.
Well, there's still a bunch of dudes here.
Yeah, there's a bunch of dudes here, 'cause I'm crushing it.
They're all here to get Dee'd the most empowered woman in Philly.
They all do seem to be into her.
- Hey, Dee.
- You again? Listen.
I'm not gonna change your rating.
Be grateful for the time we had together and beat it.
- Actually I was hoping to hang out again.
- Yeah? I bet you do.
It's 'cause I gave you one star.
I played you.
I don't need stars.
I was just hoping to get laid again.
- What? - Hey, Dee.
Any chance I could get Dee'd again? No, you're upset.
Aren't you upset? You're upset about the zero rating I gave you.
No.
You could rate me lower if you like.
Hey, are you the whore who bangs everybody? No, I'm not the whore! I'm the empowered woman who gives poor ratings to men.
Yeah, sure.
Can I get a rating? No! Why would you want that from me? What's going on? Get out of here! All three of you! Get out of here! Okay, yeah, guys, go ahead.
Go, go, go.
Go.
I understand.
Okay, I think I know what's happening here.
Guys? We've lost sight of what's truly important.
You can't derive your self-worth from the opinions of others.
No! No, you get your self-worth from when you convince yourself that you're tough and that you're straight.
- I am tough.
- Sure, yes, absolutely.
Or that you have got a shot with a woman who we've all banged, but who hates you.
Right.
You're saying that I'm getting closer.
Nice.
I got a shot.
Yeah, you're getting close, buddy.
You'll get there.
Or you That your penis could ever possibly remain erect for more than a couple of seconds - even with a cock ring on.
- Mmm.
Or that you are a powerful woman instead of a dirty, dirty whore who bangs toad people.
Yeah, guys, guys, guys.
Your true power comes not from outside sources but from the delusional stories that you all convince yourselves of.
And no one no one can take that away from you.
Wow.
And what about you? Me? What about me? I'm good, man.
I've been doing great.
Yeah, this whole thing's been great for me.
That's good.
Because you're down to zero stars.
- Oh, is he? - Yeah, down.
Zero.
I don't give a shit about that.
The star rating thing is not - Can I see that for a second? - Okay.
Let me see that, yeah.
Yeah, you know - Whoa! - Goddamn it! Goddamn it! You son of a bitch! Happy New Year 2016 - New Year, New Color ;-)