Travel Man (2015) s10e02 Episode Script
Bergen
To mini break, it's to suck the cup of the mug.
How in shiz can a sister get on point, without getting peeved.
But do not let salt tears soak you bosom.
For I the Eeyore it's fine to despise Richard Ayoade.
I'm here to get your tiny trips true.
Strapped to a swathe of so called entertainers, I'm going to globally gob off.
This is travel without mercy.
Tonight, two Norwegian days in the beatific borough of Bergen.
2.
75 mil visitors a year sidle up to this peak ringed Rollica.
Drawn by its mounts, furrows and slats.
And joining me for this north nonsense is comedian Lou Sanders.
I wonder if our chemistry is going to read.
Please never use that term.
Together we will make questionable claims.
Wowsie, I think I've just lost my virginity.
- Differ - Yes, please.
That was unpleasant.
.
.
and bicker.
Anything in this is an idiot.
We're here, but should we have come? Yes, it's a free holiday.
Are you going to do that throughout? - This is the way I get along now.
- OK.
Norway's second biggest airport is perhaps best known for its ground-breaking art.
And it doesn't get much better than this must be the place.
Lou, I love civic art and I don't care who knows it.
And this piece by Ragnar Kjartansson is really up there.
2.
5 tonnes for each letter, 5.
5 metres high.
The question mark leaving open possibility, playfulness.
This has got to be my favourite.
What about you? - Erm, second favourite.
Don't ask anything else.
- All right.
Oh, and why have you brought me here? We're about to cut to it, it's a format point.
Founded in 1070 by King Olav Kyrre, Bergen became Norway's capital in 1217, before Oslo trumped it 97 years later.
This dump was once described as a city between seven mountains as a shout out to Rome, though there are actually nine.
And according to British standards eight of them are only hills.
Bergen based notables include yer boy Edvard Grieg, and leprosy treatment pioneer Gerhard Armauer Hansen.
Happily, Bergen is one of the world's rainiest cities.
Between the 29th of October 2006 and 21st of January 2007 it rained every day for 85 consecutive days.
Viz Ber to the gen, the cash strapped minibreaker might be advised to take the barge pole approach.
In this spirit, we select our next mode of transport.
- We're lucky to beat the rush.
- Yeah.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- I'm Richard.
- Hello.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- That's Norwegian for "hi".
- Hey hey.
- Is it? - That's true.
Hey hey.
- Yeah.
- Hey hey.
Hey hey.
- OK.
Long handshake by the way.
- Look at us.
- Nice to meet you.
- Yeah, OK.
Do you want some alone time, or are you good? I don't think you need to whistle to attract attention.
I think you're doing fine as it is.
After Lou unfathomably refuses to wear her complimentary goggles, I reluctantly let Lars open the throttle.
Love what they've done with the place.
I mean, these nice, little centrepieces.
You know, a bit here, a bit there, never too much.
If I was a bird, I'd come and live here.
- Would you? - Yeah.
If I was a bird that liked water and a lot of them do.
- Penguins.
- Look.
Goggles came in to their own.
Personally vindicated, we slide like cardinals into the two-L'd Hotell Panorama.
That was flipping bracing.
- And yours.
- Thank you.
You're welcome and your suites are right over there.
- If you like to command a view of brine Bye.
- Bye.
.
.
you're in the right spot.
Yeah, I'll take it.
I've woken up in worse.
If guests so chose, they can wet their flesh in as many as two Jacuzzis.
A single sauna or sweat out the hate in a glass gym, which Lou used for the purposes of this unnecessary vignette.
We bowl up in Bergen's own Bryggen, and things turn nasty with alarming alacrity.
Hey, do you know what this is like? This is like your acting, very wooden.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
That's just a bit of banter.
- Yeah.
This stack of sticks was once the HQ of the Hanseatic League.
A gaggle of good time guys who loved to ship and sell bull shiz around the North Sea from approx C14 to C18.
It's a fire risk, though.
- It's burnt down a lot, Bergen.
- Right.
1702 that was a big blaze.
And what, they're just rebuilding it, are they? It burnt down again in 1955, that one was the last fire.
- And then what, they just - They just keep rebuilding - .
.
keep popping it back up? - Keep rebuilding it.
They don't just go, "Sack it, then.
" We sally through the hordes and segueway into some more commissioned art.
It's a kingfish.
- This is what all the fanfare is about? - Oh, yeah.
- A bit of fish.
- A bit of fish.
How good are your 20 foot wooden sculptures? People rub it for luck.
Oh, shall we have a good luck ceremony? - Ceremony? - Yeah.
- This is like being on tour with Madonna.
Put your hands on it at the same time.
- You're not a team player, are you? - No.
- I do not play well with others.
- You're an isolated fish.
- I am.
- Not being a school fish.
- I am a kingfish, will you be coming back? - No.
- OK.
Rapport at max, we must now scale one of the self-declared mountains that comprise Bergen's ring.
The highest of which is cabled by car.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
It's a great vibe in here.
These guys want some more facts.
This is the highest of the mountains in Bergen.
That's not saying a lot, though, is it? In a certain way it's the only real mountain.
How many people would you say have gone up in a cable car in 2017? It's 216,000 people.
- Are they counting babies? - Is that a band? Yeah, it's a band.
- I think it's lovely.
- Yep.
You've got everything there, you've got the water, football stadium and some housing.
People gotta live, yeah? As that partially true statement lingers, we come to the clouded summit.
And we're here.
And the winner of the most Norwegian man so far.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hey hey.
- Hey hey.
Thank you.
Well, you pay for the view, don't you? Since 2016, Mount Ulriken features a new activity.
I do not approve of this new activity.
- I'm Evan.
- I'm Richard.
Hey hey.
Local.
What we're going to do is take the zipline.
- Saddle up.
- Saddle up.
- In.
Thank goodness our cameras are here to capture this.
If you can avoid giving me a massive camel hoof toe that would be lovely, but, you know.
I can't promise you anything.
Gussets garrotted, we temperately assess the infinite void below.
Have you seen this fog? This is like The Exorcist.
This is hell.
Are his glasses going to stay on? - They might fog off a bit.
- Fog off? - They might fog off.
- You fog off.
- You fog off? What sort of noise do you think you'll make on the way down? I'll be completely silent, like a scientologist.
Great.
If you die, you've created a great body of work.
I mean that.
This is a shameful death.
OK.
There goes our little boy.
There he goes having fun.
I felt a lot of emotions there.
That was unpleasant.
Woohoo! Alice the eagle! Yes, please.
- Did you like it? - No.
- No.
- How did you find it? - At least you know yourself.
I loved it until that break and then I thought it was broken.
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
So up until the point where you thought it was broken - and you might die, you enjoyed it? - I really enjoyed it, yeah.
I felt like a sea eagle floating through the air.
- Clipped in to a wire.
- Yeah, thank you for the opportunity.
- You're welcome, shall we go up there? - Yes.
As I decide whether Lou is suitable for my organisation, we slide up for some skillingsboller and coffee Daddy will pay.
.
.
in a Norwegian ritual of Kaffeslabberas.
- A friend.
- I wouldn't go that far.
- I don't think you're encouraged to feed the birds.
- Ah.
This is very Norwegian.
This is a Norwegian scene.
- Oh.
- That was terrifying.
Have you not seen The Birds? There'll be a flock of them, pecking at us.
- All my stuff goes - They're on the table.
That one's back.
- Oh.
- Yep, there's one behind you.
We're being surrounded.
Is this what eating with you is like? Half of it's for the floor, who are you, Henry VIII? - I'm sorry.
- Do you like the bun? - It's actually lovely.
- Yeah.
- Do you like your bun? - I very much like it.
That's why I'm not throwing half of it on the floor.
Oh, man, look at this, look at what you've created.
If you'd never seen a pigeon Whatever you're about to say, say it really fast.
OK.
If you'd never seen a pigeon, you'd actually think - they were quite beautiful.
- Yep, OK, let's go.
Daddy! A slave to continuity, we continue.
- You should have got a hat.
- I know.
There's a danger she's not going to take you seriously.
Hi.
Marianne catches seafood for some of Bergen's best nosebaggeries.
And when she isn't doing that, she's doing this.
I have really fresh seafood and we will pick some ourselves as well.
- Yes, yes.
- We will make a beautiful, erm - Dinner? - Dinner, yes, or meal.
I was going to go for music.
Marianne conveys her human cargo to a small island where the salty haul is cooked on an open fire.
Are you OK? I'm absolutely fine.
We workshop national anthem lyrics.
- And this is Norway.
- This is Norway.
As we skid towards the Askoy Bridge.
It's funny to think they've got bridges in Norway as well, isn't it? In what way funny? Well, we're not so different, us and the Norwegians.
After 30 mins and change, Marianne steers us into a cove and shames us into low energy high fives.
- Nice job.
- Oh, sure.
Using only pre-cut wood, kindling, lighter fuel, and a lighter, Marianne magics up a campfire.
- Perfect.
- Were you in the Girl Guides? I got chucked out of Brownies.
- Why? - Giving it all that to Brown Owl.
- You ready? - A bucket of food? It's like KFC.
- It is.
- Yeah.
Marianne then forces us to sift through the slush.
OK, so here are the periwinkles.
- Here we go.
Oh.
- This doesn't look very nice.
I like the nourish sheets from Amazon.
- Bon appetite.
- What's this one here? Oh, no, it's just from a tree.
- Ahh, that's from a tree.
- Yep, sorry.
Seaweed secured, Marianne starts her labours.
Barely augmenting what we've foraged with butter, shallots, cream, wine and crabs.
Those crabs are no longer alive.
When you cut them in two, they're dead.
Very similar with me.
Lou, you're missing an absolute bloody treat over here.
Blimey heck, it's a shame you can't eat sheep poop.
because there's loads of it I've found.
Lou selfishly releases some calories back into the wild.
Sorry, they're savages.
I'm sorry I'll set you free.
Set you free.
I'm sorry.
Goodbye, I love you.
Look, he's saying thank you.
He stopped and waved.
In a vain quest to quash the anthropomorphising, Marianne starts crisping some seaweed and skewering veg.
Do you eat seaweed at home? Oh, try and stop me.
- This is lovely, that is, do you like it? - It's very nice.
Yeah, it's essence of the sea.
- So now the soup is ready.
- Thank you.
I'm very curious about your reaction.
And of course we need to decorate with a crab.
- That would be lovely.
- Yeah.
- Please enjoy.
- On a cocktail, thank you.
And I just pour it into my face? Yeah, it's really warm.
- Um, that is really warm.
- Um-hum.
It's an absolutely banging broth, Lou.
Oh, good, I'm glad you're happy.
Yep, Marianne, what an experience.
- Thank you very much for having us.
- Thank you so much for joining.
Will you be foraging henceforth? - Yes.
- You will? - Uh-huh.
- Yes.
And with that, we ping, passive aggressively, into part two .
.
in which we repeat ourselves What, have you not been up the funicular before, mate? Nearly every episode.
.
.
are led by the prosecution But are you genuinely interested in our toilets or not? Well, we've found the level, haven't we? .
.
and make a new friend.
Look up there - it's so lush and green, isn't it? - Would you call that vegetation? - Yes.
- Good observation.
- Thank you.
- You really getting the hang of this.
The convo is flowing like wine, isn't it? You rejoin Lou Sanders and I, not Lou Sanders, for the B-side of a two-day blast of Bergen.
Day two, finds us on the Floibanen funicular, which massively flings us up Mount Floyen.
Funicular sounds like some sort of disease, doesn't it? You've got a funicular disease.
It sounds like someone who is feeble and fussy.
It's good to know yourself.
Oh.
Heck of a funicular.
We are moments away from a high-energy rendezvous with lawyer and part-time tour guide Ole.
Ole launched his tour in April to give visitors a vital opportunity to offset their carbon hoofprints.
Yeah, so today we're going for a tour out in the wilderness, then to plant a tree.
And this will help to fight the global warming.
- Let's go.
- OK.
Do you think two trees is really going to do it, stop the apocalypse? And as you can see here on the right side we have a classic example of global warming creating storms that blows the trees down.
We've got a conspiracy theorist here.
VOICE-OVER: There's only so much Marxist propaganda I can stand before we plant.
Are you excited to plant a tree? Excited isn't the word.
You feel the rush, you know? - The rush? - When you plant a tree, you can feel the earth talking to you, no? Maybe around here to compensate for whatever happened to this one? Yeah.
You can take one tree each.
- Thank you.
- You're more than welcome.
So, the first thing you have to do is to name your trees.
Tony.
Yours? - Clara.
- That's very nice names.
- Thank you.
And then you have to find a nice place, where there is good ground.
Here? And a place where people won't step on it.
I mean, I'll move out the way a bit.
Yeah, you take the shovel and just start digging.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
Oh, this is a great shovel - look at that.
Do you know what? I do like to be in nature.
Yeah, that's a good hole.
- It is a good hole.
- That's all right, yeah, nice.
That's lovely, that - first time in.
They do feel close together for oaks.
Do they need more room? This is going to be like Blur-Oasis.
One of them is going to die.
- So, now we have to water the trees - Yeah.
- .
.
thoroughly.
Ideally, you'd be doing it with Fanta but, don't - It's not Fanta, it's Solo.
- Yep.
I'm just going to soften the water cos I felt your water was very aggressive.
So, it's a bit like a rain shower.
That's beautiful, actually.
Something for the tree and something for you.
Now to take a picture of the trees.
- Nice.
- SHUTTER CLICKS Well, thank you.
It's been a wonderful experience.
- Yeah, no problem.
- And you'll keep in touch - Yeah, sure.
- .
.
and let me know how Tony's going? - Yeah.
I'm less interested in Clara.
Clara, I feel, is already on the way out.
- And we just find our own way back? - Yeah.
And there are bears and wolves here? - Yes, so be careful - stay on the tracks.
- OK.
Oh, yeah, cos they won't go on the tracks.
Still pumped from my up-to-date Oasis-Blur ref, we encounter this.
Oh, where are we going? I'll tell you where we're going - we're going towards the Tubakuba.
Tubakuba? Does it make a noise? I don't know.
Try it.
This black-ish box was designed by architecture students and aims to encourage more children to get out into the Norwegian woods.
In you go.
16 sq metres, no toilet, water or electricity.
Oh, it's lovely, actually.
Yeah.
- You don't need a lot to be happy, you know? - Or unhappy.
It's a wonderful vista, and the good news is you can see it till midnight - cos it's still not dark.
- Yeah.
You'd get bored by midnight, of course.
Elaine.
Elaine.
Is that another film reference? - The Graduate.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
If I was a single mum - and, let's face it, that could still happen Let's not rule it out, yep, sure.
.
.
I'd come here with my kid.
Well, there's something to look forward to.
SHE LAUGHS All right.
As we emerge, we cross paths with a crew of goats known as the Floyen Boys.
Don't hunt them down.
I just want to see if they want a cuddle.
This herd's grass-trimming game is strong, but their temperate natures mean that they are often patronised.
OK, I'll get down to eye level.
They like that.
OK, I'm going in.
That's what that one thinks - it's literally urinating.
He piddled on the floor in disgust.
And, frankly, if this wasn't prime time, so would I? Before we heap ourselves with fresh disgrace we bounce for Bergen's top-rated ice cream concession, Hallaisen.
- Hello.
- Hi.
- Hello.
- You're a vegan.
- Yes, I'm a vegan.
So, your options are - .
.
basil - Yes.
.
.
coconut and lime, and mango.
Please may I get the basil? Now, the all-important question is, do you want it in a cup or a cone? What's the cup made of? - Paper.
- It's made of bone.
The cone isn't vegan, so - I'll have a cup, then, please.
- Cup? OK.
- There you go.
Basil.
BOTH: Thank you.
I'm going to try the Norwegian brown cheese.
- Cone or cup? - I'll have a cone, please.
- Course you will.
- Thank you.
- Course you will.
And then, if you have any blood, you can drizzle it over the top.
I will try my best.
Yeah, thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
We'll settle up at the end.
- Pop, pop, pop yourself on there.
- Thank you.
Eating it? Well, what were you planning on doing? Taking it as a suppository? What are your thoughts? I was in two minds about this.
Mm.
And both of those minds were saying no.
But now, one of them is saying, it's OK.
How's your vegan? Thank you for asking.
When I think of basil, I think of, tomatoes, I think of savoury and I think of a sandwich.
This is a hell of a speech.
- But now - We needed you in the war.
It was unusual, but I actually really liked it, in the end.
Oh, good, yep.
- Shall we? - Yeah.
Now no more than a stomach supported by a suit, I power us to our ultimate POI.
Where are we going, then? Well, partly to get away from these kids who have been chasing us for half an hour.
We're at the Gamle Museet.
- Gamle means old in Norwegian.
- Yeah.
Oh, that's your demographic.
It is my demographic.
55 old buildings were lovingly taken apart, hatefully moved, and erotically reassembled here.
Shall we go into this dump? The museum is staffed by worryingly competent actors playing 19th-century folk, who are now Daniel Day-deep.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Hello.
You are now in 1886.
OK.
HE INTRODUCES HIMSELF Oh, there we go.
No, I'll go high, you go low.
Like Michelle Obama.
- Hello.
Elizabeth Heller.
- Richard.
- That's easier.
- Yes.
Yes.
What do you do? I have a department store where we sell clothes.
What's really flying this season? - Well, black is a very fashionable colour.
- Black.
Do you have lights in the 18th century? - 19th century.
- Yes.
Well, we have paraffin oil lamps and candles.
And are these prunes? Uh, yes, and they are from your time, not from our time.
I think, even in our time, it's polite to ask before you take.
Very impolite.
That would not fly in 1886.
It does not fly in 2019.
Shall we try the prune bit again? OK.
Start from Whoa, whoa.
Just a moment.
Gunvor? - Gunvor is the name of our maid.
- Please, come.
Could you please serve them some prunes? I think they would like to taste.
Thank you.
- She's new.
- Yes.
- She's a little bit slow.
- Slightly making a meal of it.
- Sorry.
Well, that's Gunvor.
Thank you.
I'm fine.
Thank you.
Thank you.
- No, thanks.
- No, thanks.
- Thank you.
- You've got to keep regular.
- Yeah.
We've probably only got 20 minutes more minutes of this chat, and then we'll have to move on.
VOICE-OVER: The editor, who's had a vendetta against my improv since the start - Safe travels.
- Thank you.
.
.
brutally truncates the scene.
We watch some dental drama.
There we go.
I don't care what anyone says - Norwegian street theatre is some of the most vibrant street theatre in the world.
They're clapping anyway.
- Have you ever had a crowd as weird as this? - Er, no.
- No.
Before we chip, forever changed.
- Bye, Gunvor.
- Bye.
- Goodbye.
So, with our Bergen box fully ticked, it just remains to weigh the worth of whatever it is we pretended to do.
- Lou-Lou.
- Hello.
- I don't wish to press you to highlights.
- OK.
And yetwhat have your highlights been of this trip? Don't scan through your whole life.
OK, we haven't got time.
No.
Now I want to say Ubakuba.
- Tubakuba.
- Tubakuba.
But Uber-kuba, that is a cube that comes and picks you up within .
.
well, it says three minutes, but it's normally nine.
- Thank you.
The wooden cube.
- Yes.
- Crabs into the sea.
- OK.
- I loved freeing the crabs.
- OK.
- And the zip wire.
- OK.
- Might I ask you? - Yes.
.
.
what time it? No, what are your favourites? Oh, I thought you were going to say, when does the plane leave? - The ice cream.
- You liked that ice cream.
That ice cream was excellent.
I liked the service.
The service was wonderful - she was wonderful.
I also liked the experience of the Gamle town.
The Gamle Museet.
Yes, and you liked the improv lady, who was great.
She was one of the best improv people I have ever worked with.
- How much improv have you done? - None.
- No.
But you can imagine it.
- Yeah.
Lou-Lou, can I ask, will you come back to Norway? If I'm paid, yeah.
Yeah.
Well, let's feed that back to the tourist board and see if we can get a rate set up.
- OK.
- Speedy boarding? Next time, a two-day Krakow crawl, with Joe Wilkinson.
There's a lot of low-flying birds.
How in shiz can a sister get on point, without getting peeved.
But do not let salt tears soak you bosom.
For I the Eeyore it's fine to despise Richard Ayoade.
I'm here to get your tiny trips true.
Strapped to a swathe of so called entertainers, I'm going to globally gob off.
This is travel without mercy.
Tonight, two Norwegian days in the beatific borough of Bergen.
2.
75 mil visitors a year sidle up to this peak ringed Rollica.
Drawn by its mounts, furrows and slats.
And joining me for this north nonsense is comedian Lou Sanders.
I wonder if our chemistry is going to read.
Please never use that term.
Together we will make questionable claims.
Wowsie, I think I've just lost my virginity.
- Differ - Yes, please.
That was unpleasant.
.
.
and bicker.
Anything in this is an idiot.
We're here, but should we have come? Yes, it's a free holiday.
Are you going to do that throughout? - This is the way I get along now.
- OK.
Norway's second biggest airport is perhaps best known for its ground-breaking art.
And it doesn't get much better than this must be the place.
Lou, I love civic art and I don't care who knows it.
And this piece by Ragnar Kjartansson is really up there.
2.
5 tonnes for each letter, 5.
5 metres high.
The question mark leaving open possibility, playfulness.
This has got to be my favourite.
What about you? - Erm, second favourite.
Don't ask anything else.
- All right.
Oh, and why have you brought me here? We're about to cut to it, it's a format point.
Founded in 1070 by King Olav Kyrre, Bergen became Norway's capital in 1217, before Oslo trumped it 97 years later.
This dump was once described as a city between seven mountains as a shout out to Rome, though there are actually nine.
And according to British standards eight of them are only hills.
Bergen based notables include yer boy Edvard Grieg, and leprosy treatment pioneer Gerhard Armauer Hansen.
Happily, Bergen is one of the world's rainiest cities.
Between the 29th of October 2006 and 21st of January 2007 it rained every day for 85 consecutive days.
Viz Ber to the gen, the cash strapped minibreaker might be advised to take the barge pole approach.
In this spirit, we select our next mode of transport.
- We're lucky to beat the rush.
- Yeah.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- I'm Richard.
- Hello.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- That's Norwegian for "hi".
- Hey hey.
- Is it? - That's true.
Hey hey.
- Yeah.
- Hey hey.
Hey hey.
- OK.
Long handshake by the way.
- Look at us.
- Nice to meet you.
- Yeah, OK.
Do you want some alone time, or are you good? I don't think you need to whistle to attract attention.
I think you're doing fine as it is.
After Lou unfathomably refuses to wear her complimentary goggles, I reluctantly let Lars open the throttle.
Love what they've done with the place.
I mean, these nice, little centrepieces.
You know, a bit here, a bit there, never too much.
If I was a bird, I'd come and live here.
- Would you? - Yeah.
If I was a bird that liked water and a lot of them do.
- Penguins.
- Look.
Goggles came in to their own.
Personally vindicated, we slide like cardinals into the two-L'd Hotell Panorama.
That was flipping bracing.
- And yours.
- Thank you.
You're welcome and your suites are right over there.
- If you like to command a view of brine Bye.
- Bye.
.
.
you're in the right spot.
Yeah, I'll take it.
I've woken up in worse.
If guests so chose, they can wet their flesh in as many as two Jacuzzis.
A single sauna or sweat out the hate in a glass gym, which Lou used for the purposes of this unnecessary vignette.
We bowl up in Bergen's own Bryggen, and things turn nasty with alarming alacrity.
Hey, do you know what this is like? This is like your acting, very wooden.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
That's just a bit of banter.
- Yeah.
This stack of sticks was once the HQ of the Hanseatic League.
A gaggle of good time guys who loved to ship and sell bull shiz around the North Sea from approx C14 to C18.
It's a fire risk, though.
- It's burnt down a lot, Bergen.
- Right.
1702 that was a big blaze.
And what, they're just rebuilding it, are they? It burnt down again in 1955, that one was the last fire.
- And then what, they just - They just keep rebuilding - .
.
keep popping it back up? - Keep rebuilding it.
They don't just go, "Sack it, then.
" We sally through the hordes and segueway into some more commissioned art.
It's a kingfish.
- This is what all the fanfare is about? - Oh, yeah.
- A bit of fish.
- A bit of fish.
How good are your 20 foot wooden sculptures? People rub it for luck.
Oh, shall we have a good luck ceremony? - Ceremony? - Yeah.
- This is like being on tour with Madonna.
Put your hands on it at the same time.
- You're not a team player, are you? - No.
- I do not play well with others.
- You're an isolated fish.
- I am.
- Not being a school fish.
- I am a kingfish, will you be coming back? - No.
- OK.
Rapport at max, we must now scale one of the self-declared mountains that comprise Bergen's ring.
The highest of which is cabled by car.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
It's a great vibe in here.
These guys want some more facts.
This is the highest of the mountains in Bergen.
That's not saying a lot, though, is it? In a certain way it's the only real mountain.
How many people would you say have gone up in a cable car in 2017? It's 216,000 people.
- Are they counting babies? - Is that a band? Yeah, it's a band.
- I think it's lovely.
- Yep.
You've got everything there, you've got the water, football stadium and some housing.
People gotta live, yeah? As that partially true statement lingers, we come to the clouded summit.
And we're here.
And the winner of the most Norwegian man so far.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hey hey.
- Hey hey.
Thank you.
Well, you pay for the view, don't you? Since 2016, Mount Ulriken features a new activity.
I do not approve of this new activity.
- I'm Evan.
- I'm Richard.
Hey hey.
Local.
What we're going to do is take the zipline.
- Saddle up.
- Saddle up.
- In.
Thank goodness our cameras are here to capture this.
If you can avoid giving me a massive camel hoof toe that would be lovely, but, you know.
I can't promise you anything.
Gussets garrotted, we temperately assess the infinite void below.
Have you seen this fog? This is like The Exorcist.
This is hell.
Are his glasses going to stay on? - They might fog off a bit.
- Fog off? - They might fog off.
- You fog off.
- You fog off? What sort of noise do you think you'll make on the way down? I'll be completely silent, like a scientologist.
Great.
If you die, you've created a great body of work.
I mean that.
This is a shameful death.
OK.
There goes our little boy.
There he goes having fun.
I felt a lot of emotions there.
That was unpleasant.
Woohoo! Alice the eagle! Yes, please.
- Did you like it? - No.
- No.
- How did you find it? - At least you know yourself.
I loved it until that break and then I thought it was broken.
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
So up until the point where you thought it was broken - and you might die, you enjoyed it? - I really enjoyed it, yeah.
I felt like a sea eagle floating through the air.
- Clipped in to a wire.
- Yeah, thank you for the opportunity.
- You're welcome, shall we go up there? - Yes.
As I decide whether Lou is suitable for my organisation, we slide up for some skillingsboller and coffee Daddy will pay.
.
.
in a Norwegian ritual of Kaffeslabberas.
- A friend.
- I wouldn't go that far.
- I don't think you're encouraged to feed the birds.
- Ah.
This is very Norwegian.
This is a Norwegian scene.
- Oh.
- That was terrifying.
Have you not seen The Birds? There'll be a flock of them, pecking at us.
- All my stuff goes - They're on the table.
That one's back.
- Oh.
- Yep, there's one behind you.
We're being surrounded.
Is this what eating with you is like? Half of it's for the floor, who are you, Henry VIII? - I'm sorry.
- Do you like the bun? - It's actually lovely.
- Yeah.
- Do you like your bun? - I very much like it.
That's why I'm not throwing half of it on the floor.
Oh, man, look at this, look at what you've created.
If you'd never seen a pigeon Whatever you're about to say, say it really fast.
OK.
If you'd never seen a pigeon, you'd actually think - they were quite beautiful.
- Yep, OK, let's go.
Daddy! A slave to continuity, we continue.
- You should have got a hat.
- I know.
There's a danger she's not going to take you seriously.
Hi.
Marianne catches seafood for some of Bergen's best nosebaggeries.
And when she isn't doing that, she's doing this.
I have really fresh seafood and we will pick some ourselves as well.
- Yes, yes.
- We will make a beautiful, erm - Dinner? - Dinner, yes, or meal.
I was going to go for music.
Marianne conveys her human cargo to a small island where the salty haul is cooked on an open fire.
Are you OK? I'm absolutely fine.
We workshop national anthem lyrics.
- And this is Norway.
- This is Norway.
As we skid towards the Askoy Bridge.
It's funny to think they've got bridges in Norway as well, isn't it? In what way funny? Well, we're not so different, us and the Norwegians.
After 30 mins and change, Marianne steers us into a cove and shames us into low energy high fives.
- Nice job.
- Oh, sure.
Using only pre-cut wood, kindling, lighter fuel, and a lighter, Marianne magics up a campfire.
- Perfect.
- Were you in the Girl Guides? I got chucked out of Brownies.
- Why? - Giving it all that to Brown Owl.
- You ready? - A bucket of food? It's like KFC.
- It is.
- Yeah.
Marianne then forces us to sift through the slush.
OK, so here are the periwinkles.
- Here we go.
Oh.
- This doesn't look very nice.
I like the nourish sheets from Amazon.
- Bon appetite.
- What's this one here? Oh, no, it's just from a tree.
- Ahh, that's from a tree.
- Yep, sorry.
Seaweed secured, Marianne starts her labours.
Barely augmenting what we've foraged with butter, shallots, cream, wine and crabs.
Those crabs are no longer alive.
When you cut them in two, they're dead.
Very similar with me.
Lou, you're missing an absolute bloody treat over here.
Blimey heck, it's a shame you can't eat sheep poop.
because there's loads of it I've found.
Lou selfishly releases some calories back into the wild.
Sorry, they're savages.
I'm sorry I'll set you free.
Set you free.
I'm sorry.
Goodbye, I love you.
Look, he's saying thank you.
He stopped and waved.
In a vain quest to quash the anthropomorphising, Marianne starts crisping some seaweed and skewering veg.
Do you eat seaweed at home? Oh, try and stop me.
- This is lovely, that is, do you like it? - It's very nice.
Yeah, it's essence of the sea.
- So now the soup is ready.
- Thank you.
I'm very curious about your reaction.
And of course we need to decorate with a crab.
- That would be lovely.
- Yeah.
- Please enjoy.
- On a cocktail, thank you.
And I just pour it into my face? Yeah, it's really warm.
- Um, that is really warm.
- Um-hum.
It's an absolutely banging broth, Lou.
Oh, good, I'm glad you're happy.
Yep, Marianne, what an experience.
- Thank you very much for having us.
- Thank you so much for joining.
Will you be foraging henceforth? - Yes.
- You will? - Uh-huh.
- Yes.
And with that, we ping, passive aggressively, into part two .
.
in which we repeat ourselves What, have you not been up the funicular before, mate? Nearly every episode.
.
.
are led by the prosecution But are you genuinely interested in our toilets or not? Well, we've found the level, haven't we? .
.
and make a new friend.
Look up there - it's so lush and green, isn't it? - Would you call that vegetation? - Yes.
- Good observation.
- Thank you.
- You really getting the hang of this.
The convo is flowing like wine, isn't it? You rejoin Lou Sanders and I, not Lou Sanders, for the B-side of a two-day blast of Bergen.
Day two, finds us on the Floibanen funicular, which massively flings us up Mount Floyen.
Funicular sounds like some sort of disease, doesn't it? You've got a funicular disease.
It sounds like someone who is feeble and fussy.
It's good to know yourself.
Oh.
Heck of a funicular.
We are moments away from a high-energy rendezvous with lawyer and part-time tour guide Ole.
Ole launched his tour in April to give visitors a vital opportunity to offset their carbon hoofprints.
Yeah, so today we're going for a tour out in the wilderness, then to plant a tree.
And this will help to fight the global warming.
- Let's go.
- OK.
Do you think two trees is really going to do it, stop the apocalypse? And as you can see here on the right side we have a classic example of global warming creating storms that blows the trees down.
We've got a conspiracy theorist here.
VOICE-OVER: There's only so much Marxist propaganda I can stand before we plant.
Are you excited to plant a tree? Excited isn't the word.
You feel the rush, you know? - The rush? - When you plant a tree, you can feel the earth talking to you, no? Maybe around here to compensate for whatever happened to this one? Yeah.
You can take one tree each.
- Thank you.
- You're more than welcome.
So, the first thing you have to do is to name your trees.
Tony.
Yours? - Clara.
- That's very nice names.
- Thank you.
And then you have to find a nice place, where there is good ground.
Here? And a place where people won't step on it.
I mean, I'll move out the way a bit.
Yeah, you take the shovel and just start digging.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
Oh, this is a great shovel - look at that.
Do you know what? I do like to be in nature.
Yeah, that's a good hole.
- It is a good hole.
- That's all right, yeah, nice.
That's lovely, that - first time in.
They do feel close together for oaks.
Do they need more room? This is going to be like Blur-Oasis.
One of them is going to die.
- So, now we have to water the trees - Yeah.
- .
.
thoroughly.
Ideally, you'd be doing it with Fanta but, don't - It's not Fanta, it's Solo.
- Yep.
I'm just going to soften the water cos I felt your water was very aggressive.
So, it's a bit like a rain shower.
That's beautiful, actually.
Something for the tree and something for you.
Now to take a picture of the trees.
- Nice.
- SHUTTER CLICKS Well, thank you.
It's been a wonderful experience.
- Yeah, no problem.
- And you'll keep in touch - Yeah, sure.
- .
.
and let me know how Tony's going? - Yeah.
I'm less interested in Clara.
Clara, I feel, is already on the way out.
- And we just find our own way back? - Yeah.
And there are bears and wolves here? - Yes, so be careful - stay on the tracks.
- OK.
Oh, yeah, cos they won't go on the tracks.
Still pumped from my up-to-date Oasis-Blur ref, we encounter this.
Oh, where are we going? I'll tell you where we're going - we're going towards the Tubakuba.
Tubakuba? Does it make a noise? I don't know.
Try it.
This black-ish box was designed by architecture students and aims to encourage more children to get out into the Norwegian woods.
In you go.
16 sq metres, no toilet, water or electricity.
Oh, it's lovely, actually.
Yeah.
- You don't need a lot to be happy, you know? - Or unhappy.
It's a wonderful vista, and the good news is you can see it till midnight - cos it's still not dark.
- Yeah.
You'd get bored by midnight, of course.
Elaine.
Elaine.
Is that another film reference? - The Graduate.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
If I was a single mum - and, let's face it, that could still happen Let's not rule it out, yep, sure.
.
.
I'd come here with my kid.
Well, there's something to look forward to.
SHE LAUGHS All right.
As we emerge, we cross paths with a crew of goats known as the Floyen Boys.
Don't hunt them down.
I just want to see if they want a cuddle.
This herd's grass-trimming game is strong, but their temperate natures mean that they are often patronised.
OK, I'll get down to eye level.
They like that.
OK, I'm going in.
That's what that one thinks - it's literally urinating.
He piddled on the floor in disgust.
And, frankly, if this wasn't prime time, so would I? Before we heap ourselves with fresh disgrace we bounce for Bergen's top-rated ice cream concession, Hallaisen.
- Hello.
- Hi.
- Hello.
- You're a vegan.
- Yes, I'm a vegan.
So, your options are - .
.
basil - Yes.
.
.
coconut and lime, and mango.
Please may I get the basil? Now, the all-important question is, do you want it in a cup or a cone? What's the cup made of? - Paper.
- It's made of bone.
The cone isn't vegan, so - I'll have a cup, then, please.
- Cup? OK.
- There you go.
Basil.
BOTH: Thank you.
I'm going to try the Norwegian brown cheese.
- Cone or cup? - I'll have a cone, please.
- Course you will.
- Thank you.
- Course you will.
And then, if you have any blood, you can drizzle it over the top.
I will try my best.
Yeah, thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
We'll settle up at the end.
- Pop, pop, pop yourself on there.
- Thank you.
Eating it? Well, what were you planning on doing? Taking it as a suppository? What are your thoughts? I was in two minds about this.
Mm.
And both of those minds were saying no.
But now, one of them is saying, it's OK.
How's your vegan? Thank you for asking.
When I think of basil, I think of, tomatoes, I think of savoury and I think of a sandwich.
This is a hell of a speech.
- But now - We needed you in the war.
It was unusual, but I actually really liked it, in the end.
Oh, good, yep.
- Shall we? - Yeah.
Now no more than a stomach supported by a suit, I power us to our ultimate POI.
Where are we going, then? Well, partly to get away from these kids who have been chasing us for half an hour.
We're at the Gamle Museet.
- Gamle means old in Norwegian.
- Yeah.
Oh, that's your demographic.
It is my demographic.
55 old buildings were lovingly taken apart, hatefully moved, and erotically reassembled here.
Shall we go into this dump? The museum is staffed by worryingly competent actors playing 19th-century folk, who are now Daniel Day-deep.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Hello.
You are now in 1886.
OK.
HE INTRODUCES HIMSELF Oh, there we go.
No, I'll go high, you go low.
Like Michelle Obama.
- Hello.
Elizabeth Heller.
- Richard.
- That's easier.
- Yes.
Yes.
What do you do? I have a department store where we sell clothes.
What's really flying this season? - Well, black is a very fashionable colour.
- Black.
Do you have lights in the 18th century? - 19th century.
- Yes.
Well, we have paraffin oil lamps and candles.
And are these prunes? Uh, yes, and they are from your time, not from our time.
I think, even in our time, it's polite to ask before you take.
Very impolite.
That would not fly in 1886.
It does not fly in 2019.
Shall we try the prune bit again? OK.
Start from Whoa, whoa.
Just a moment.
Gunvor? - Gunvor is the name of our maid.
- Please, come.
Could you please serve them some prunes? I think they would like to taste.
Thank you.
- She's new.
- Yes.
- She's a little bit slow.
- Slightly making a meal of it.
- Sorry.
Well, that's Gunvor.
Thank you.
I'm fine.
Thank you.
Thank you.
- No, thanks.
- No, thanks.
- Thank you.
- You've got to keep regular.
- Yeah.
We've probably only got 20 minutes more minutes of this chat, and then we'll have to move on.
VOICE-OVER: The editor, who's had a vendetta against my improv since the start - Safe travels.
- Thank you.
.
.
brutally truncates the scene.
We watch some dental drama.
There we go.
I don't care what anyone says - Norwegian street theatre is some of the most vibrant street theatre in the world.
They're clapping anyway.
- Have you ever had a crowd as weird as this? - Er, no.
- No.
Before we chip, forever changed.
- Bye, Gunvor.
- Bye.
- Goodbye.
So, with our Bergen box fully ticked, it just remains to weigh the worth of whatever it is we pretended to do.
- Lou-Lou.
- Hello.
- I don't wish to press you to highlights.
- OK.
And yetwhat have your highlights been of this trip? Don't scan through your whole life.
OK, we haven't got time.
No.
Now I want to say Ubakuba.
- Tubakuba.
- Tubakuba.
But Uber-kuba, that is a cube that comes and picks you up within .
.
well, it says three minutes, but it's normally nine.
- Thank you.
The wooden cube.
- Yes.
- Crabs into the sea.
- OK.
- I loved freeing the crabs.
- OK.
- And the zip wire.
- OK.
- Might I ask you? - Yes.
.
.
what time it? No, what are your favourites? Oh, I thought you were going to say, when does the plane leave? - The ice cream.
- You liked that ice cream.
That ice cream was excellent.
I liked the service.
The service was wonderful - she was wonderful.
I also liked the experience of the Gamle town.
The Gamle Museet.
Yes, and you liked the improv lady, who was great.
She was one of the best improv people I have ever worked with.
- How much improv have you done? - None.
- No.
But you can imagine it.
- Yeah.
Lou-Lou, can I ask, will you come back to Norway? If I'm paid, yeah.
Yeah.
Well, let's feed that back to the tourist board and see if we can get a rate set up.
- OK.
- Speedy boarding? Next time, a two-day Krakow crawl, with Joe Wilkinson.
There's a lot of low-flying birds.