8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown (2012) s10e03 Episode Script
David O'Doherty, Johnny Vegas, Jamie Laing, Holly Walsh
1 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown - Jon Richardson.
Johnny Vegas.
David O'Doherty.
Jamie Laing.
Holly Walsh.
Susie Dent and Rachel Riley.
Now welcome your host, Jimmyyyyy Carr! Yey! Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
Did you know, for example, 6% of drivers deliberately swerve to kill animals? Now, that might sound terrible, but roadkill is how the people of Norfolk get their protein.
66% of couples that break up in January do so because of winter blues.
My grandparents are no longer together because of winter blues.
Well, I say the winter blues, hypothermia took her.
Don't worry, Grandad, you'll see her again soon, unless I remember to pay your gas bill, which I won't, so you will.
And one in eight Americans have worked in McDonald's.
That's an enormous figure is how you describe Americans who've worked in a McDonald's.
Right, let's get started.
OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up it's Jon Richardson! Jon is set to embark on a 43-date tour.
There's been great interest in Jon's tour dates, mainly from Jon's wife's personal trainer.
They're all online, jonrichardsoncomedy.
com if he's interested.
Or anyone else.
And Jon's team-mate, David O'Doherty.
David's been touring around the country.
Well, I say touring, he keeps on getting moved on.
And up against them this evening it's special guest team captain Johnny Vegas.
I'm not saying Johnny Vegas is a drinker, but he was recently asked to give blood by Wetherspoon's.
And joining Johnny tonight it's Jamie Laing.
Jamie Laing is a reality TV star with blonde hair and a fake tan.
He's rich and he's always saying stupid things, so really, he should think about running for president.
You seem to be wearing quite a similar outfit.
I thought I'd wear this because it's winter out there, - so I thought I'd wear a summer shirt.
- Oh, because you're an idiot.
Not everybody can afford to travel, so what he's allowing the viewers to do is travel through his life.
Sure, and you've gone for a similar sort of Yeah, I've done it, because, once again, I turned up with a branded T-shirt that your producers wouldn't let me wear.
So the option was a nine-year-old shirt and give me an earring! Just to offset it, so I don't look like a total idiot.
She actually said, "Just try it on, see how you feel.
" I got to there .
.
and I started crying, Jimmy.
I started crying, because my life hasn't quite gone to plan, so if you'd like me to button it up for you Technically, are you buttoning that or are you drawing the curtains? Once I saw what you were wearing, you know, we are, we are Team Holiday.
I would wear your I quite like that shirt, I'd wear that shirt.
- You are wearing that shirt.
- Look at the length of the cuffs! - Is that the cuffs? - Honest to God, I could have 40 Bensons around them.
Look at us on the screen.
Look at this together.
- It's like a budget Hawaii Five-0.
- I know.
It feels to me like Jamie is what the Tinder profile would look like and you're what would turn up.
APPLAUSE Jamie, you went to an incredibly posh private school, you had thousands of pounds spent on your education, - so you should be brilliant at Countdown, right? - Yep.
The thing is, when I was at school, I, I thought I was dyslexic, right? So I went and had this dyslexic test and I passed it and so I went back to my English teacher and they said, I said to them, "I passed the test, so why am I bad at spelling?" And he said, "Well, because you're stupid.
" The very definition of passing a dyslexic test You don't pass it, you find out if you're not dyslexic.
You pass a dyslexic test, you sit the test and you pass it.
Yeah, but you don't stand in front of the other kids going, "WHOO!" Tell us something, Jamie, that we wouldn't know about you.
I know loads of interesting facts, loads of useless facts.
Tell us some interesting facts, we love interesting facts.
Well, apparently if you eat 12 bananas, you can die of potassium overdose.
You went to public school, didn't you? Those weren't bananas.
Do you know what? You can survive, you can survive off Guinness and oranges for the rest of your life.
You're telling Johnny Vegas that, are you? - Well, he's never had an orange.
- I was going to say! Although, he's sat with you, that's got to help.
Jon, if there was going to be a film of your life, the Jon Richardson story, pitch me the film, what would happen? Well, they've already done it, haven't they? Trainspotting.
Probably not the one you're thinking of.
There's a film actually about trainspotting, but there's a character in it very like me, very wordy.
I don't know who'd be in it.
Do you want to do it? You can act, can't you? I've seen you on acting.
I could be you if life hadn't gone to plan.
OK, David, if you weren't a comedian, what would your job be? I had aspirations certainly of being a very inspirational teacher.
You know, Dead Poets Society, a lot of jumping up on tables, ripping out pages, that sort of thing, but my friend qualified as a primary school teacher recently and the reality is much more mundane.
He said there's two main things about teaching four-year-olds that you're not aware of.
One is at some point in the day, when no-one is expecting it, they all just march towards the front of the classroom like this.
What that one means is, "Teacher, can you help us with the bottom "of our coats? It's morning break and you've forgotten and we need "assistance with the initial zip docking phase.
" That's job one.
Job two is another point in the day when no-one's expecting it.
They form a line and in this hand they're all holding Frubes.
You know, like, it's a yoghurt-filled tube.
He initially thinks it's a gift, doesn't know what that means.
It's, "Teacher, you're the only one in this room "in possession of sharp scissors.
"Please begin the beheading of the Frubes.
" So I'm not sure it's going to happen then, James, really.
I don't think you've seen Dead Poets Society to the end either.
It's not really a sort of It's not really a sort of inspirational teaching manual.
- You're saying it's not inspirational because one kid kills himself? - Yeah.
- Out of the whole class.
- Yeah.
Who did drama.
Yeah.
- I did drama as well.
- Get out of here! - I did.
I did drama at school and then I did drama at university.
- You went to university? - I went to university.
- I got a 2:2 from Leeds University for Theatre and Performance.
- Wow.
- Thanks, guys.
- APPLAUSE There were 80 people in my year and 79 of them were girls and there was me, the one guy, and we had to do contemporary dance for our end performance and I had to be the bulb in the flower that came up in every dance.
Could you be that bulb now? Go on.
Go on, I'll dance in the background.
- Go on, be the bulb.
- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Go on.
- You have to be the petal.
Hey, mate, this show can't run forever, - we need to be looking for work after this.
- You have to be the petal.
- Yeah.
- So you have to go - I have to cover you without smothering you - Yeah.
- .
.
I encourage you, - and when the light is redder, open up and welcome the new dawn.
- Yeah.
- Fuck you.
- This is what a 2:2 from Leeds gets you.
It's no good being behind the desk, because people can't see the subtlety of it.
You go there.
You hover there and I'll be the leaf.
Ahhh, ahhh, ahhh-ahhh! Jamie, have you got a mascot this evening? - Did you bring a mascot with you? - I did bring a mascot.
What have you got? You've never got an art degree as well? So, my girlfriend did it for me.
- I came home and she did it for me.
- Is your girlfriend eight?! OK, so this is my girlfriend here, I assume that's her, she's drawn it, so that's her there.
That's me.
She's missing a shoe for some reason.
We don't have a dog, but she's drawn a dog.
That's apparently our house.
There's our snowman.
I don't know if that's snow or that's stars.
And there's a banana in the sky.
It's not that thick.
The fact that it's not sticking is frightening.
Although it is Spot the dog.
The dog that you don't own that I suspect could be a town fox that has just confused her.
You're obviously using a very high wattage bulb in your house.
- Can I have it? - You want it? Yeah, I mean, she gave it to you, but I would If you put it up in your bedroom, you can have it.
- Can I have it if I set fire to it? - I will hang that in my house.
- You promise? - Yeah.
- OK.
I feel bad now giving it to you, I'm going to come home without it.
I think you've had a result there, to be honest.
- Johnny, have you got a mascot? - Yeah.
- What did you bring? - My girlfriend made me this.
I don't know why she put Jersey on the top, because it makes it look shop-bought.
But it's lovely, because it's obviously two gentlemen having a drink and I use this in the pub and it's kind of a lovely reminder of every now and then, when your friend looks at you in that way of going, "You're talking bollocks.
" But you don't take it down the pub, you don't ask them to pour a pint in that? Well, obviously I get it in a glass and I go outside and I pour it in this.
Come on, if this was Antiques Roadshow, you'd at least be going, "That's either worth nothing or 50 grand.
" Johnny's mascot, everyone! - OK, David, have you got a mascot? - Yeah, I've got a mascot.
I mean, I hate to have a criticism of Countdown, because I've watched it since I was a tiny child, is it's lacking a competitive money element to it, - so what I asked the authorities for was - The authorities? .
.
£1 billion pounds, right here, so this is my mascot and I just figure, throughout the show, it's going to make things a lot more interesting, you know, just generally.
I'm going to be, like, Jon, you don't look that impressed with this.
How about now? Is this the best mascot you've ever seen? - Oh, yeah, that's real money.
- How much money do you have? I asked for a billion but I left it slightly ambiguous, so if a few go missing, do you know what I mean? Get yourself something pretty, son.
You know what I mean? Just have a little bit of Do you want a lap dance or not? - Oh, my God! - I can make that happen for you.
- Jon! Stop! This is real money, so let's not waste it.
APPLAUSE OK, Jon, have you got a mascot? I don't wish to appear overconfident, Jimmy, but I think we might do all right this evening and I think there'll be certain times I could better put to use the 30 seconds and there's a number of world records that have been set - in 30 seconds that I just think I could do easily.
- Whoa! - OK.
So give me an example.
What is one of the records? Well, I'm a man who likes a chore.
I don't agree with that word.
I think pairing socks is something I would do at weekends.
The world record for pairing socks in 30 seconds is 18 pairs and I just think that's a piece of piss.
You need to have some pomp and ceremony about these things, Jimmy, so I've prepared a world record-breaker here.
Well, I mean, are you going to give it a go? I'll give you 30 seconds on the clock.
A world record attempt JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYS So, here we go.
Toss them out onto the table.
Oh, yeah! OK, so you're trying to get to 19, we'll count them as they go in.
Your 30 seconds, are you ready? Jon, if you pull this off, let's just say there's some sweet cash coming your way.
- Here we go.
Come on.
- Your 30 seconds starts now.
CHEERING That's two.
That's three.
Oh, that's Four.
No, four.
Five.
Six.
He's behind the pace.
Six.
Seven.
Plenty of time, Jon! Plenty of time! Don't panic! Don't panic! Nine.
Nine and I'm not even sure what that applause was.
That was a disgrace.
It turns outthat's harder than it looks.
But there are a number of other world records and I'm certain - that at some point this evening, one will fall.
- OK.
Over in Dictionary Corner it's Holly Walsh.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Holly Walsh has just written a hit TV show Motherland.
I've not seen Motherland, but if it's anything like the website MILF Planet, I'd be into it.
Now, you had a baby last year.
How is it having a small child in the house? Er, I like it, which is a relief.
I really struggled in the beginning, having a baby, I thought it was very difficult and I It got better, definitely, but I remember when I first had him, I was walking in the park near where I live and I was just pushing him and I had a really bad day, and I was pushing my baby and I saw this little dachshund coming towards me, like, a little dog dressed as a hot dog, just walking towards me.
It was amazing! Someone had put him in a knitted hot dog.
It was just the sweetest thing and I genuinely, for a moment, went, "That's what I wanted!" But it's brilliant, I love him and I do all these things that I said I'd never do.
Like, I love photographing my baby, dressing him up in silly costumes, all of that kind of stuff.
Not for Facebook, but because I can use it as blackmail when he's a teenager.
If he's horrible to me aged 14, I'll be like, "Oh, I'm the arse hole? "Well, I'm not the one who dressed as a Nazi aged six weeks old.
" And with Holly, of course, it's Susie Dent.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Susie has a new book out called Dent's Modern Tribes.
I got the Kindle version, by which I mean I used it to light the fire.
Susie, are there any interesting words that have double meanings? So many words have double meanings and most of them, as I discover from Rachel, are pretty rude, so I always give the clean version on Countdown if I have to give a definition, like, noshing LAUGHTER There's a clean definition? You know, "Let's go and have a nosh.
" - I'm in the middle of the show, but maybe in the break? - And chub rub.
A chub rub.
Yeah, that sounds great.
Go on.
What's the clean definition of chub rub? It's some friction between your thighs when you're running, so runners use it.
- Nick Hewer's even better though.
- Yes, Nick gets the teapot and the goody bag mixed up and promises contestants he's going to give them a teabag.
At his age, that would be quite a sight.
OK.
In charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley.
Rachel Riley, an amazing mathematician, a brilliant TV presenter and always dressed appropriately.
Two out of three ain't bad.
You're very active on Twitter, what's the weirdest thing you've been tweeted? Recently I got a tweet from a Newcastle fan that said he was crying because his team lost, so could I send naked photos.
I sent him a topless photo of Alan Shearer.
OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this, the Countdown first aid kit.
OK, let's Countdown, everyone.
Time for the first game.
Jon and David, you get the first pick of the letters.
Consonant, please.
Thank you, boys.
T.
Another one.
L And a vowel, please.
A And a vowel, please.
E And a consonant, please.
D And a vowel, please.
I Someone tell Jamie what the game is? We're trying to make a word out of them.
I didn't realise what we're doing.
So all the letters come up and then you try and make - a word out of the letters.
- I was writing the top things down.
- That's good.
- You have to use them all or it's no points.
LAUGHTER And three consonants to finish, please.
- Holy sh - Is that? - N.
- I've said it now.
S H And for the first time today, here's the Countdown Clock.
- Jon, how many letters? - Seven.
A seven.
David? - Eight.
- Johnny? Six.
Oh, I didn't see the last letter! - I got six.
- OK.
Well, what's your six? DETAILS Details is seven, isn't it? - Seven.
I got seven.
- Yes! - Seven! I think you declared a six, but we can give you that.
It's your first time on the show, you're not entirely clear of the rules.
What did you get, Johnny? I got LADIES.
OK.
Jon? - STAINED.
- David, your eight.
- Drumroll, please.
- I mean, the problem here You know I'm from Ireland, - so it's a different language.
- Yeah.
You know, like, virtually none of the words are the same and so one of the big words Like, if your loo is blocked, it's generally a LADSHITE.
Can you check that, Susie, - if you have the Oxford Irish Dictionary there? - SUSIE: Yeah.
It's not there.
Oh! Is this refreshing your memory? OK, seven points to both teams.
Holly, Susie, tell us, could they have done any better? There was an eight, which actually worked with my jumper, it's HANDIEST.
- Ah! - Yeah.
- You look as if you've been assaulted by Donald Trump.
No, no, no.
No, he would've just grabbed my pussy.
OK.
So at the end of that, both teams have seven points.
OK, on to our first numbers round.
Johnny, Jamie, your turn to pick your numbers.
So, Jamie, you can either go two big ones, four little ones, or you can go one big one, the rest small.
- So it's words and numbers.
- I'll tell you what I'll tell you what, it may be important, that you don't have to use all the numbers.
Why is it called Countdown if there's letters? You have to spell out words with the numbers, so like a 3 is like an E backwards and then an 8 is like a B, so that's what you do.
Not to be overconfident, but since they don't even know what the game is What record are you going to try and break now? It's the most peas eaten with a cocktail stick in 30 seconds.
How many is the record? - JOHNNY: As well as doing the sum? - JON: The current world record is 40.
- How many peas have you got there? - 41 and a cocktail stick.
- What are you thinking? - Does it matter? We run Miami.
Two big numbers .
.
and four small.
The little ones, we've got 2, 8, 4 and 10, and the target - 575.
- OK, your time starts now.
AUDIENCE: Come on, Jon! Come on, Jon.
Come on, Jon, you've got this.
You've got this.
I knew you'd be good at something.
Come on, Jon.
Come on, Jon.
Come on, you're halfway through.
Halfway through.
Come on, Jon, you've got this.
You've got this, you've got ten seconds.
Come on, you can do this.
You've got to speed up now.
You've got to speed up now.
Jon! How many are left? Seven peas.
You did 34 peas.
- The good news is I also got the numbers.
- OK, so you got it.
- OK, David, did you get it? - Yeah.
- Jamie, what did you get? - I didn't get it, I got close to it.
- What did you get? - I got 564.
OK.
Well, you're just 11 away, just no points for you.
If I've use the 10, can I use the 10 again? No.
Damn! You can't use any of the letters from the previous game either.
- Johnny, what did you get? - I got 572.
- 572, OK, just three way.
- So, Jon, did you really get it while you were eating peas? - Yeah.
10 + 2 = 12 Yeah.
12 x 50 = 600 600 - 25 = 575.
Jon Richardson, everyone.
No good at eating peas, but can do the maths! OK, so Johnny and Jamie have seven, Jon and David have 17.
And here is your teaser.
The words are GIANT LOG.
The clue is - I'm just showing off.
That's a GIANT LOG - I'm just showing off.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser.
The words were GIANT LOG.
The clue was - I'm just showing off.
It was, of course, gloating.
So, Jon and David are in the lead.
They've been playing in teams so far, but this game is just for Johnny and Jon.
So, Johnny, your turn to choose the letters.
So, Jamie, you don't have to play this one.
You can just relax.
I mean, you can play along for fun if you want.
If you want to have a go yourself and write it down really large LAUGHTER - Obviously, don't show it to me.
- LAUGHTER I'll have, erm, four vowels, please.
U, O, A and E.
- Another vowel, please.
- LAUGHTER And O.
A consonant.
M Consonant.
P Consonant.
S - Erm - LAUGHTER Ooh, erm This last one's always difficult, isn't it? - I'll have a consonant, please.
- An R.
- OK, all right.
And your time starts now.
Come on, Jon! Come on, Jon! There's only one Johnny Vegas! There's only one Johnny Vegas! # He thinks what he wants # He thinks what he wants # That Jon Richardson He thinks what he wants.
# Johnny's got a word Johnny's got one # He's going to slap Jon on the bum # With a knick-knack paddywhack Give a dog a bone Go on, Jon, have a go.
# You don't know what you're spelling! You don't know what you're spelling! APPLAUSE LAUGHTER Jon, what did you get? ALL: The referee's a wanker! The referee's a wanker! - That is actually true.
- LAUGHTER Jon, what did you get? Ohhhhhh! Four.
- LAUGHTER - Yes! Johnny, what did you get? Ohhhhh! Five.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Go on.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Jon, what was your four-letter word? Well, it might have just been indigestion, but PEAS.
LAUGHTER - OK.
Johnny? - Um, POSER.
- POSER? - Yeah.
- In that shirt? LAUGHTER OK.
5 points to Johnny Vegas.
APPLAUSE Holly, Susie, could they have done any better? - The big one is seven - AMOROUS.
- Oh.
OK, so, the scores at the end of that - Johnny and Jamie have 12, Jon and David have 17.
APPLAUSE Now it's time for David and Jamie to go head-to-head.
David, your turn to pick the numbers.
- We will have - I'll stop you there.
- Oh.
Since I'm not needed, I'm going to smash another world record.
- Right.
- I've already broken two.
Have you, though? LAUGHTER The world record I'm going to break is the most toilet rolls stacked in 30 seconds.
Is it in one continuous pile or? One big pile of bog rolls.
Currently stands at 28.
That's less than one a second.
Surely I can break that.
Right, guys? - LAUGHTER - Surely.
I've got my paper.
Been stealing that for years ready for this challenge.
Got my ladder for working at altitude.
LAUGHTER OK, so, David, pick your numbers.
One Biggie Smalls and five Smallie Smalls.
LAUGHTER Right, Smallie Smalls are 9, 4, 9, 5 and 10.
And the Biggie Big - 75.
And the target - 218.
OK, and your time starts now.
OK, that's two AUDIENCE SHOUTS ENCOURAGEMEN .
.
three, four, five, six.
Come on, Jon.
Seven, eight.
Come on, come on, come on.
Quick, quick, quick.
You're going to have to do it much faster.
Much, much faster.
Quick.
AUDIENCE SHOUTS ENCOURAGEMEN Oh! Geez, this is so hard! LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Jon, do you want to talk us through what happened there? - Because, I mean, disgraceful.
- Well, I don't know if you saw, but I started stacking the toilet rolls and then they fell.
LAUGHTER And how many did you get to? - I think about 27.
- LAUGHTER It's hard to tell because I had to stop - because I was getting a nosebleed.
- LAUGHTER David, did you get it? Yes, I got 218.
Jamie, did you get it? - No.
- LAUGHTER It's hard, that one.
That was tricky.
I got 205.
205.
OK, so, just no points.
David, how did you do it? 4 x 5 = 20 x 10 = 200 9 + 9 = 18 That was a good one.
Well done, David.
10 points for David.
APPLAUSE OK, so, Johnny and Jamie have 12.
Jon and David have 27.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Time now to go across to Dictionary Corner.
Holly Walsh, what have you got for us? Well, as you know, I'm a big fan of words and numbers, which is why I love Venn diagrams.
Do you remember what they are? Two circles that intersect and the crossover is the bit in the middle that links the two.
- So - Love this.
- .
.
ready for this? - I'm ready.
My favourite thing ever.
- Look at this.
- OK, things that speak louder than words - actions, Brian Blessed.
LAUGHTER I love it.
Good to do in driving test, bad to do in Amsterdam - stop at every red light.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Things that are best served cold - - revenge, pasta salad.
- LAUGHTER Ant and Dec, my boobs - - great double act.
- LAUGHTER One is slightly bigger than the other.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Things that are best served al dente - - pasta salad, revenge.
- LAUGHTER - If it's a blow job.
- LAUGHTER People who were definitely bullied at school - magicians.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Things that are best served with a hint of fresh chilli - pasta salad, revenge.
- If it's a hand job.
- LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Thinking man's crumpet, crumpet man's thinker - Mary Berry.
LAUGHTER Humping, roasted peanuts - - dry.
- LAUGHTER Faulty windscreen wiper, seal having an orgasm - Jimmy Carr's laugh.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE And here is your teaser.
The words are TASTE NIP.
The clue is - there's probably a waiting list.
That's TASTE NIP.
There's probably a waiting list.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser.
The words were TASTE NIP.
The clue was - there's probably a waiting list.
It was, of course, PATIENTS.
OK, before we get on with the show, Jon, would you like another go at breaking a world record? Yes, I would, Jimmy.
It's the world record for the most sweets thrown into a mouth in 30 seconds.
And this is15.
One every two seconds.
Couldn't be easier.
I think it's doable on any day, but when one of the panel owns a company that makes sweets Bingo.
Also, I can do this, this is my talent.
I catch things in my mouth.
If you want to be the Like gonorrhoea? - If you sat on the front row there - I 100% would catch it.
If you sat on the front row, there, I guarantee you, I could throw a teabag into your mouth from here.
Genuinely.
Jamie, you're going to throw the sweets.
You're going to catch them.
Assume the position, gentlemen.
APPLAUSE Jon, Jon, we don't really have We don't really have a name for this area, but I think maybe Thunderdome? It would be appropriate for this sort of thing.
I would like to see him succeed more than anyone, but just remember, we've got other rounds coming up that involve observation, so if you want to throw them at his eyes really hard OK, so, here we go.
Your time startsnow.
SHOUTS OF ENCOURAGEMEN DAVID: Plenty of time.
Go for it.
APPLAUSE I'm diabetic.
You got ten, there.
Jamie, want to have a go with Jon throwing? Yeah, I reckon we've got this.
I mean, you just didn't get it.
OK.
Would this be allowed if there was two throwers operating out of the same thing? If we were both throwing it at him? I think so, yeah.
Go, go, David.
Why not? For the spectacle of it Oh, my God, this is exciting! - OK.
- Oh, God.
I mean, it couldn't matter more.
Your 30 seconds startsnow.
SHOUTS OF ENCOURAGEMEN CHEERING AND APPLAUSE They've only gone and bloody done it! JIMMY LAUGHS We have a world record.
What a great day for jellybean throwing across the world.
And they said I was no good at sport! World record holder, Jamie Laing, everyone.
- Come on! - APPLAUSE OK, on with the game.
Jon and David, your turn to choose the letters.
Who gives a shit, now? MUFFLED: EmI have a real problem, here, trying to say what I want.
Cos I've eaten all those jellybeans.
Consonant, please.
Y Consonant, please.
R Vowel, please.
I WEST COUNTRY ACCENT: Y R I? Jethro has gone all deep.
"Y R I?" JIMMY LAUGHS A vowel, please.
A Consonant, please.
D Consonant, please.
F And a vowel, please.
E And a vowel, please.
U - And a consonant, please.
- And the last one S OK, and your time starts now.
- OK, I'll give it one go.
- OK.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, how many, David? I've got a good five.
I mean, there are longer words, but I've got a really good five.
A good five.
OK.
Jon, how many? Seven.
Seven, but is it a good seven? David has got a really good five.
- Not as good as his five.
- His five is amazing.
OhI've spelt mine wrong! OK.
Johnny? I've got a very ropey seven.
OK, ropey seven.
Jamie? What have you got? Six.
David, what was your five? Well, I was going for DOOFUS.
Ehbut then it was DUFES, so we'll just go with FAIRS.
FAIRS.
Jamie, your six? I don't know if it's a word.
I've gone for DERAYS.
- DERAYS? - DERAYS.
Are you spelling it with two Es, then? No, with one E.
That kind of DERAYS, actually That kind of DERAYS.
Hmno.
- Jon, your seven? - Ooh, we're in trouble, now.
YARDIES It is a Jamaican gang, yeah.
YARDIES.
You can't have YARDIES, I'm afraid.
It's got a capital letter.
THEY GROAN Tickle my tits.
OK.
What is your risky seven, Johnny? FRAIDEY.
F-R-A-I What, the day after Thursday? As in FRAIDEY cats.
Should be there What does FRAIDEY cats mean? Like scaredy-cat.
"FRAIDEY cat, scaredy-cat, sitting on a cat mat.
"Na-na, looking back" Did you never to that? "You mock my mum, your dad Na-na-na-na "My cousin is in the Army, he's got a gun!" OK, five points to David for FAIRS.
Holly, Susie, I'm guessing they could've done better.
- No, not that much better.
- How much better? - There was a six - RAISED.
- OK.
The scores at the moment, Johnny and Jamie have 12, Jon and David have 32.
OK, time to go across to Dictionary Corner once again.
- Holly, what have you got for us? - I have a true story.
It happened to me a couple of months ago.
Late one night, I received a text message from somebody who clearly had got the wrong number.
It was about 11:30, and I was sent this.
A picture of a man's genitals and the text message said "Lisa, this is what your missing out on.
J.
" I don't know what you do in this situation.
I have no ideas.
So I thought about it, and the next day, I decided to reply.
I wrote back, "Dear J, "thank you so much for sending me a picture of your penis last night.
"You shouldn't have.
"I've made a few notes.
"First up, it's YOU'RE, not YOUR.
"Just a little thing, but then, judging by your pic, "you're used to that.
"Secondly, I have recreated your penis out of pork products "to illiustrate my points.
"Sending an unsolicited picture of your cock to a stranger "can come across as a bit sexually aggressive, "so why not take the edge off "by adding eyes? "Also, you could even make it look even more impressive "by adding a bookshelf behind it "so that it looks like your penis has recently graduated.
" At which point, J wrote back "WTF, Lisa? This is really fucking weird.
" - And I wrote back - JIMMY LAUGHS "Which brings me to my final point.
"My darling J, before you send your cock to a woman you barely know, "maybe check she hasn't deliberately given you the wrong number.
" And he wrote back "Shit.
"Please don't show this to anyone.
" And I replied, "I can't promise that.
"PS "My cat ate your balls.
" APPLAUSE Holly Walsh, everyone.
Here is your final teaser.
The words are BUM NIGHT.
The clue is - stick it right up.
That's BUM NIGHT, stick it right up.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back! The answer to the teaser - the words were BUM NIGHT, the clue was "stick it right up!" It was, of course, THUMBING.
LAUGHTER OK, time for our final letters game.
Johnny and Jamie, your turn to choose the letters.
Right, can we go for a consonant? Yes.
L Another consonant.
L Er, a vowel.
Hope you know some Welsh words! - LAUGHTER - E Another vowel.
A Ooh! Er, a consonant.
R Another consonant.
W - Ooh! A vowel! - JOHNNY: Oh-ho-ho! I Er, a consonant.
G Wow! That got us out of jail! LAUGHTER And, er Anot Another vowel.
Boy, we're We're all right, mate, now - pick whatever you want! LAUGHTER And an O.
OK, and your time starts now.
JOHNNY: I'm looking at a sweet three! LAUGHTER LAUGHTER HUGE LAUGHTER APPLAUSE LAUGHTER I'll, er I'll do it later, but don't get rid of that.
LAUGHTER David, how many? Well, look! There's a six-letter word in the middle, just sitting there on its own.
It's like it came out of the jar fully made! - Where? - EARWIG! - Oh! - Right in the middle! - I didn't see that one! LAUGHTER OK, what did you get? - I got GRAIL.
- Johnny, how many did you get? HE MOUTHS Who's got a big head? That's why she's so brainy! - LAUGHTER - JOHNNY: Of course! I've got what everybody else has written done and got.
- What've you got? - EARWIG! - EARWIG? - OK, Jon, did you do any better than EARWIG? - No.
- TROWEL.
- TROWEL.
How are you spelling that? - Without a T? - Oh! - LAUGHTER What happened is I put down the I and I thought it was a that I'd underlined.
LAUGHTER OK, so both teams get six points! APPLAUSE APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT JOHNNY Holly, Susie, surely there was a bigger word in that dictionary? - LAUGHTER - There's a seven - ALLEGRO.
JON AND DAVID GROAN ALLEGRO? RACHEL GIGGLES Have I got really drunk and wandered onto It's A Knockout? LAUGHTER OK, so Johnny and Jamie have 18.
Jon and David have 38.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, fingers on buzzers.
It's time for today's Countdown Conundrum.
Your 30 seconds starts now.
JOHNNY: Yeah, once you know it.
What word is that? Um LAUGHTER BELL Jamie? GOLLYWING? LAUGHTER - Er, close, but no cigar.
Let's restart the clock.
- Ah! Is it GOLLYWING? LAUGHTER OK, let's have a look.
- JOHNNY: Oh! - GLOWINGLY OK, so the final scores are Johnny and Jamie have 18 points, but tonight's winners, with 38 points, Jon and David! CHEERING Congratulations! You're now the proud owners of this - the Countdown First Aid Kit.
Thanks to all of our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us.
Good night! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Johnny Vegas.
David O'Doherty.
Jamie Laing.
Holly Walsh.
Susie Dent and Rachel Riley.
Now welcome your host, Jimmyyyyy Carr! Yey! Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
Did you know, for example, 6% of drivers deliberately swerve to kill animals? Now, that might sound terrible, but roadkill is how the people of Norfolk get their protein.
66% of couples that break up in January do so because of winter blues.
My grandparents are no longer together because of winter blues.
Well, I say the winter blues, hypothermia took her.
Don't worry, Grandad, you'll see her again soon, unless I remember to pay your gas bill, which I won't, so you will.
And one in eight Americans have worked in McDonald's.
That's an enormous figure is how you describe Americans who've worked in a McDonald's.
Right, let's get started.
OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up it's Jon Richardson! Jon is set to embark on a 43-date tour.
There's been great interest in Jon's tour dates, mainly from Jon's wife's personal trainer.
They're all online, jonrichardsoncomedy.
com if he's interested.
Or anyone else.
And Jon's team-mate, David O'Doherty.
David's been touring around the country.
Well, I say touring, he keeps on getting moved on.
And up against them this evening it's special guest team captain Johnny Vegas.
I'm not saying Johnny Vegas is a drinker, but he was recently asked to give blood by Wetherspoon's.
And joining Johnny tonight it's Jamie Laing.
Jamie Laing is a reality TV star with blonde hair and a fake tan.
He's rich and he's always saying stupid things, so really, he should think about running for president.
You seem to be wearing quite a similar outfit.
I thought I'd wear this because it's winter out there, - so I thought I'd wear a summer shirt.
- Oh, because you're an idiot.
Not everybody can afford to travel, so what he's allowing the viewers to do is travel through his life.
Sure, and you've gone for a similar sort of Yeah, I've done it, because, once again, I turned up with a branded T-shirt that your producers wouldn't let me wear.
So the option was a nine-year-old shirt and give me an earring! Just to offset it, so I don't look like a total idiot.
She actually said, "Just try it on, see how you feel.
" I got to there .
.
and I started crying, Jimmy.
I started crying, because my life hasn't quite gone to plan, so if you'd like me to button it up for you Technically, are you buttoning that or are you drawing the curtains? Once I saw what you were wearing, you know, we are, we are Team Holiday.
I would wear your I quite like that shirt, I'd wear that shirt.
- You are wearing that shirt.
- Look at the length of the cuffs! - Is that the cuffs? - Honest to God, I could have 40 Bensons around them.
Look at us on the screen.
Look at this together.
- It's like a budget Hawaii Five-0.
- I know.
It feels to me like Jamie is what the Tinder profile would look like and you're what would turn up.
APPLAUSE Jamie, you went to an incredibly posh private school, you had thousands of pounds spent on your education, - so you should be brilliant at Countdown, right? - Yep.
The thing is, when I was at school, I, I thought I was dyslexic, right? So I went and had this dyslexic test and I passed it and so I went back to my English teacher and they said, I said to them, "I passed the test, so why am I bad at spelling?" And he said, "Well, because you're stupid.
" The very definition of passing a dyslexic test You don't pass it, you find out if you're not dyslexic.
You pass a dyslexic test, you sit the test and you pass it.
Yeah, but you don't stand in front of the other kids going, "WHOO!" Tell us something, Jamie, that we wouldn't know about you.
I know loads of interesting facts, loads of useless facts.
Tell us some interesting facts, we love interesting facts.
Well, apparently if you eat 12 bananas, you can die of potassium overdose.
You went to public school, didn't you? Those weren't bananas.
Do you know what? You can survive, you can survive off Guinness and oranges for the rest of your life.
You're telling Johnny Vegas that, are you? - Well, he's never had an orange.
- I was going to say! Although, he's sat with you, that's got to help.
Jon, if there was going to be a film of your life, the Jon Richardson story, pitch me the film, what would happen? Well, they've already done it, haven't they? Trainspotting.
Probably not the one you're thinking of.
There's a film actually about trainspotting, but there's a character in it very like me, very wordy.
I don't know who'd be in it.
Do you want to do it? You can act, can't you? I've seen you on acting.
I could be you if life hadn't gone to plan.
OK, David, if you weren't a comedian, what would your job be? I had aspirations certainly of being a very inspirational teacher.
You know, Dead Poets Society, a lot of jumping up on tables, ripping out pages, that sort of thing, but my friend qualified as a primary school teacher recently and the reality is much more mundane.
He said there's two main things about teaching four-year-olds that you're not aware of.
One is at some point in the day, when no-one is expecting it, they all just march towards the front of the classroom like this.
What that one means is, "Teacher, can you help us with the bottom "of our coats? It's morning break and you've forgotten and we need "assistance with the initial zip docking phase.
" That's job one.
Job two is another point in the day when no-one's expecting it.
They form a line and in this hand they're all holding Frubes.
You know, like, it's a yoghurt-filled tube.
He initially thinks it's a gift, doesn't know what that means.
It's, "Teacher, you're the only one in this room "in possession of sharp scissors.
"Please begin the beheading of the Frubes.
" So I'm not sure it's going to happen then, James, really.
I don't think you've seen Dead Poets Society to the end either.
It's not really a sort of It's not really a sort of inspirational teaching manual.
- You're saying it's not inspirational because one kid kills himself? - Yeah.
- Out of the whole class.
- Yeah.
Who did drama.
Yeah.
- I did drama as well.
- Get out of here! - I did.
I did drama at school and then I did drama at university.
- You went to university? - I went to university.
- I got a 2:2 from Leeds University for Theatre and Performance.
- Wow.
- Thanks, guys.
- APPLAUSE There were 80 people in my year and 79 of them were girls and there was me, the one guy, and we had to do contemporary dance for our end performance and I had to be the bulb in the flower that came up in every dance.
Could you be that bulb now? Go on.
Go on, I'll dance in the background.
- Go on, be the bulb.
- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Go on.
- You have to be the petal.
Hey, mate, this show can't run forever, - we need to be looking for work after this.
- You have to be the petal.
- Yeah.
- So you have to go - I have to cover you without smothering you - Yeah.
- .
.
I encourage you, - and when the light is redder, open up and welcome the new dawn.
- Yeah.
- Fuck you.
- This is what a 2:2 from Leeds gets you.
It's no good being behind the desk, because people can't see the subtlety of it.
You go there.
You hover there and I'll be the leaf.
Ahhh, ahhh, ahhh-ahhh! Jamie, have you got a mascot this evening? - Did you bring a mascot with you? - I did bring a mascot.
What have you got? You've never got an art degree as well? So, my girlfriend did it for me.
- I came home and she did it for me.
- Is your girlfriend eight?! OK, so this is my girlfriend here, I assume that's her, she's drawn it, so that's her there.
That's me.
She's missing a shoe for some reason.
We don't have a dog, but she's drawn a dog.
That's apparently our house.
There's our snowman.
I don't know if that's snow or that's stars.
And there's a banana in the sky.
It's not that thick.
The fact that it's not sticking is frightening.
Although it is Spot the dog.
The dog that you don't own that I suspect could be a town fox that has just confused her.
You're obviously using a very high wattage bulb in your house.
- Can I have it? - You want it? Yeah, I mean, she gave it to you, but I would If you put it up in your bedroom, you can have it.
- Can I have it if I set fire to it? - I will hang that in my house.
- You promise? - Yeah.
- OK.
I feel bad now giving it to you, I'm going to come home without it.
I think you've had a result there, to be honest.
- Johnny, have you got a mascot? - Yeah.
- What did you bring? - My girlfriend made me this.
I don't know why she put Jersey on the top, because it makes it look shop-bought.
But it's lovely, because it's obviously two gentlemen having a drink and I use this in the pub and it's kind of a lovely reminder of every now and then, when your friend looks at you in that way of going, "You're talking bollocks.
" But you don't take it down the pub, you don't ask them to pour a pint in that? Well, obviously I get it in a glass and I go outside and I pour it in this.
Come on, if this was Antiques Roadshow, you'd at least be going, "That's either worth nothing or 50 grand.
" Johnny's mascot, everyone! - OK, David, have you got a mascot? - Yeah, I've got a mascot.
I mean, I hate to have a criticism of Countdown, because I've watched it since I was a tiny child, is it's lacking a competitive money element to it, - so what I asked the authorities for was - The authorities? .
.
£1 billion pounds, right here, so this is my mascot and I just figure, throughout the show, it's going to make things a lot more interesting, you know, just generally.
I'm going to be, like, Jon, you don't look that impressed with this.
How about now? Is this the best mascot you've ever seen? - Oh, yeah, that's real money.
- How much money do you have? I asked for a billion but I left it slightly ambiguous, so if a few go missing, do you know what I mean? Get yourself something pretty, son.
You know what I mean? Just have a little bit of Do you want a lap dance or not? - Oh, my God! - I can make that happen for you.
- Jon! Stop! This is real money, so let's not waste it.
APPLAUSE OK, Jon, have you got a mascot? I don't wish to appear overconfident, Jimmy, but I think we might do all right this evening and I think there'll be certain times I could better put to use the 30 seconds and there's a number of world records that have been set - in 30 seconds that I just think I could do easily.
- Whoa! - OK.
So give me an example.
What is one of the records? Well, I'm a man who likes a chore.
I don't agree with that word.
I think pairing socks is something I would do at weekends.
The world record for pairing socks in 30 seconds is 18 pairs and I just think that's a piece of piss.
You need to have some pomp and ceremony about these things, Jimmy, so I've prepared a world record-breaker here.
Well, I mean, are you going to give it a go? I'll give you 30 seconds on the clock.
A world record attempt JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYS So, here we go.
Toss them out onto the table.
Oh, yeah! OK, so you're trying to get to 19, we'll count them as they go in.
Your 30 seconds, are you ready? Jon, if you pull this off, let's just say there's some sweet cash coming your way.
- Here we go.
Come on.
- Your 30 seconds starts now.
CHEERING That's two.
That's three.
Oh, that's Four.
No, four.
Five.
Six.
He's behind the pace.
Six.
Seven.
Plenty of time, Jon! Plenty of time! Don't panic! Don't panic! Nine.
Nine and I'm not even sure what that applause was.
That was a disgrace.
It turns outthat's harder than it looks.
But there are a number of other world records and I'm certain - that at some point this evening, one will fall.
- OK.
Over in Dictionary Corner it's Holly Walsh.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Holly Walsh has just written a hit TV show Motherland.
I've not seen Motherland, but if it's anything like the website MILF Planet, I'd be into it.
Now, you had a baby last year.
How is it having a small child in the house? Er, I like it, which is a relief.
I really struggled in the beginning, having a baby, I thought it was very difficult and I It got better, definitely, but I remember when I first had him, I was walking in the park near where I live and I was just pushing him and I had a really bad day, and I was pushing my baby and I saw this little dachshund coming towards me, like, a little dog dressed as a hot dog, just walking towards me.
It was amazing! Someone had put him in a knitted hot dog.
It was just the sweetest thing and I genuinely, for a moment, went, "That's what I wanted!" But it's brilliant, I love him and I do all these things that I said I'd never do.
Like, I love photographing my baby, dressing him up in silly costumes, all of that kind of stuff.
Not for Facebook, but because I can use it as blackmail when he's a teenager.
If he's horrible to me aged 14, I'll be like, "Oh, I'm the arse hole? "Well, I'm not the one who dressed as a Nazi aged six weeks old.
" And with Holly, of course, it's Susie Dent.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Susie has a new book out called Dent's Modern Tribes.
I got the Kindle version, by which I mean I used it to light the fire.
Susie, are there any interesting words that have double meanings? So many words have double meanings and most of them, as I discover from Rachel, are pretty rude, so I always give the clean version on Countdown if I have to give a definition, like, noshing LAUGHTER There's a clean definition? You know, "Let's go and have a nosh.
" - I'm in the middle of the show, but maybe in the break? - And chub rub.
A chub rub.
Yeah, that sounds great.
Go on.
What's the clean definition of chub rub? It's some friction between your thighs when you're running, so runners use it.
- Nick Hewer's even better though.
- Yes, Nick gets the teapot and the goody bag mixed up and promises contestants he's going to give them a teabag.
At his age, that would be quite a sight.
OK.
In charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley.
Rachel Riley, an amazing mathematician, a brilliant TV presenter and always dressed appropriately.
Two out of three ain't bad.
You're very active on Twitter, what's the weirdest thing you've been tweeted? Recently I got a tweet from a Newcastle fan that said he was crying because his team lost, so could I send naked photos.
I sent him a topless photo of Alan Shearer.
OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this, the Countdown first aid kit.
OK, let's Countdown, everyone.
Time for the first game.
Jon and David, you get the first pick of the letters.
Consonant, please.
Thank you, boys.
T.
Another one.
L And a vowel, please.
A And a vowel, please.
E And a consonant, please.
D And a vowel, please.
I Someone tell Jamie what the game is? We're trying to make a word out of them.
I didn't realise what we're doing.
So all the letters come up and then you try and make - a word out of the letters.
- I was writing the top things down.
- That's good.
- You have to use them all or it's no points.
LAUGHTER And three consonants to finish, please.
- Holy sh - Is that? - N.
- I've said it now.
S H And for the first time today, here's the Countdown Clock.
- Jon, how many letters? - Seven.
A seven.
David? - Eight.
- Johnny? Six.
Oh, I didn't see the last letter! - I got six.
- OK.
Well, what's your six? DETAILS Details is seven, isn't it? - Seven.
I got seven.
- Yes! - Seven! I think you declared a six, but we can give you that.
It's your first time on the show, you're not entirely clear of the rules.
What did you get, Johnny? I got LADIES.
OK.
Jon? - STAINED.
- David, your eight.
- Drumroll, please.
- I mean, the problem here You know I'm from Ireland, - so it's a different language.
- Yeah.
You know, like, virtually none of the words are the same and so one of the big words Like, if your loo is blocked, it's generally a LADSHITE.
Can you check that, Susie, - if you have the Oxford Irish Dictionary there? - SUSIE: Yeah.
It's not there.
Oh! Is this refreshing your memory? OK, seven points to both teams.
Holly, Susie, tell us, could they have done any better? There was an eight, which actually worked with my jumper, it's HANDIEST.
- Ah! - Yeah.
- You look as if you've been assaulted by Donald Trump.
No, no, no.
No, he would've just grabbed my pussy.
OK.
So at the end of that, both teams have seven points.
OK, on to our first numbers round.
Johnny, Jamie, your turn to pick your numbers.
So, Jamie, you can either go two big ones, four little ones, or you can go one big one, the rest small.
- So it's words and numbers.
- I'll tell you what I'll tell you what, it may be important, that you don't have to use all the numbers.
Why is it called Countdown if there's letters? You have to spell out words with the numbers, so like a 3 is like an E backwards and then an 8 is like a B, so that's what you do.
Not to be overconfident, but since they don't even know what the game is What record are you going to try and break now? It's the most peas eaten with a cocktail stick in 30 seconds.
How many is the record? - JOHNNY: As well as doing the sum? - JON: The current world record is 40.
- How many peas have you got there? - 41 and a cocktail stick.
- What are you thinking? - Does it matter? We run Miami.
Two big numbers .
.
and four small.
The little ones, we've got 2, 8, 4 and 10, and the target - 575.
- OK, your time starts now.
AUDIENCE: Come on, Jon! Come on, Jon.
Come on, Jon, you've got this.
You've got this.
I knew you'd be good at something.
Come on, Jon.
Come on, Jon.
Come on, you're halfway through.
Halfway through.
Come on, Jon, you've got this.
You've got this, you've got ten seconds.
Come on, you can do this.
You've got to speed up now.
You've got to speed up now.
Jon! How many are left? Seven peas.
You did 34 peas.
- The good news is I also got the numbers.
- OK, so you got it.
- OK, David, did you get it? - Yeah.
- Jamie, what did you get? - I didn't get it, I got close to it.
- What did you get? - I got 564.
OK.
Well, you're just 11 away, just no points for you.
If I've use the 10, can I use the 10 again? No.
Damn! You can't use any of the letters from the previous game either.
- Johnny, what did you get? - I got 572.
- 572, OK, just three way.
- So, Jon, did you really get it while you were eating peas? - Yeah.
10 + 2 = 12 Yeah.
12 x 50 = 600 600 - 25 = 575.
Jon Richardson, everyone.
No good at eating peas, but can do the maths! OK, so Johnny and Jamie have seven, Jon and David have 17.
And here is your teaser.
The words are GIANT LOG.
The clue is - I'm just showing off.
That's a GIANT LOG - I'm just showing off.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser.
The words were GIANT LOG.
The clue was - I'm just showing off.
It was, of course, gloating.
So, Jon and David are in the lead.
They've been playing in teams so far, but this game is just for Johnny and Jon.
So, Johnny, your turn to choose the letters.
So, Jamie, you don't have to play this one.
You can just relax.
I mean, you can play along for fun if you want.
If you want to have a go yourself and write it down really large LAUGHTER - Obviously, don't show it to me.
- LAUGHTER I'll have, erm, four vowels, please.
U, O, A and E.
- Another vowel, please.
- LAUGHTER And O.
A consonant.
M Consonant.
P Consonant.
S - Erm - LAUGHTER Ooh, erm This last one's always difficult, isn't it? - I'll have a consonant, please.
- An R.
- OK, all right.
And your time starts now.
Come on, Jon! Come on, Jon! There's only one Johnny Vegas! There's only one Johnny Vegas! # He thinks what he wants # He thinks what he wants # That Jon Richardson He thinks what he wants.
# Johnny's got a word Johnny's got one # He's going to slap Jon on the bum # With a knick-knack paddywhack Give a dog a bone Go on, Jon, have a go.
# You don't know what you're spelling! You don't know what you're spelling! APPLAUSE LAUGHTER Jon, what did you get? ALL: The referee's a wanker! The referee's a wanker! - That is actually true.
- LAUGHTER Jon, what did you get? Ohhhhhh! Four.
- LAUGHTER - Yes! Johnny, what did you get? Ohhhhh! Five.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Go on.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Jon, what was your four-letter word? Well, it might have just been indigestion, but PEAS.
LAUGHTER - OK.
Johnny? - Um, POSER.
- POSER? - Yeah.
- In that shirt? LAUGHTER OK.
5 points to Johnny Vegas.
APPLAUSE Holly, Susie, could they have done any better? - The big one is seven - AMOROUS.
- Oh.
OK, so, the scores at the end of that - Johnny and Jamie have 12, Jon and David have 17.
APPLAUSE Now it's time for David and Jamie to go head-to-head.
David, your turn to pick the numbers.
- We will have - I'll stop you there.
- Oh.
Since I'm not needed, I'm going to smash another world record.
- Right.
- I've already broken two.
Have you, though? LAUGHTER The world record I'm going to break is the most toilet rolls stacked in 30 seconds.
Is it in one continuous pile or? One big pile of bog rolls.
Currently stands at 28.
That's less than one a second.
Surely I can break that.
Right, guys? - LAUGHTER - Surely.
I've got my paper.
Been stealing that for years ready for this challenge.
Got my ladder for working at altitude.
LAUGHTER OK, so, David, pick your numbers.
One Biggie Smalls and five Smallie Smalls.
LAUGHTER Right, Smallie Smalls are 9, 4, 9, 5 and 10.
And the Biggie Big - 75.
And the target - 218.
OK, and your time starts now.
OK, that's two AUDIENCE SHOUTS ENCOURAGEMEN .
.
three, four, five, six.
Come on, Jon.
Seven, eight.
Come on, come on, come on.
Quick, quick, quick.
You're going to have to do it much faster.
Much, much faster.
Quick.
AUDIENCE SHOUTS ENCOURAGEMEN Oh! Geez, this is so hard! LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Jon, do you want to talk us through what happened there? - Because, I mean, disgraceful.
- Well, I don't know if you saw, but I started stacking the toilet rolls and then they fell.
LAUGHTER And how many did you get to? - I think about 27.
- LAUGHTER It's hard to tell because I had to stop - because I was getting a nosebleed.
- LAUGHTER David, did you get it? Yes, I got 218.
Jamie, did you get it? - No.
- LAUGHTER It's hard, that one.
That was tricky.
I got 205.
205.
OK, so, just no points.
David, how did you do it? 4 x 5 = 20 x 10 = 200 9 + 9 = 18 That was a good one.
Well done, David.
10 points for David.
APPLAUSE OK, so, Johnny and Jamie have 12.
Jon and David have 27.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Time now to go across to Dictionary Corner.
Holly Walsh, what have you got for us? Well, as you know, I'm a big fan of words and numbers, which is why I love Venn diagrams.
Do you remember what they are? Two circles that intersect and the crossover is the bit in the middle that links the two.
- So - Love this.
- .
.
ready for this? - I'm ready.
My favourite thing ever.
- Look at this.
- OK, things that speak louder than words - actions, Brian Blessed.
LAUGHTER I love it.
Good to do in driving test, bad to do in Amsterdam - stop at every red light.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Things that are best served cold - - revenge, pasta salad.
- LAUGHTER Ant and Dec, my boobs - - great double act.
- LAUGHTER One is slightly bigger than the other.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Things that are best served al dente - - pasta salad, revenge.
- LAUGHTER - If it's a blow job.
- LAUGHTER People who were definitely bullied at school - magicians.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Things that are best served with a hint of fresh chilli - pasta salad, revenge.
- If it's a hand job.
- LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Thinking man's crumpet, crumpet man's thinker - Mary Berry.
LAUGHTER Humping, roasted peanuts - - dry.
- LAUGHTER Faulty windscreen wiper, seal having an orgasm - Jimmy Carr's laugh.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE And here is your teaser.
The words are TASTE NIP.
The clue is - there's probably a waiting list.
That's TASTE NIP.
There's probably a waiting list.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser.
The words were TASTE NIP.
The clue was - there's probably a waiting list.
It was, of course, PATIENTS.
OK, before we get on with the show, Jon, would you like another go at breaking a world record? Yes, I would, Jimmy.
It's the world record for the most sweets thrown into a mouth in 30 seconds.
And this is15.
One every two seconds.
Couldn't be easier.
I think it's doable on any day, but when one of the panel owns a company that makes sweets Bingo.
Also, I can do this, this is my talent.
I catch things in my mouth.
If you want to be the Like gonorrhoea? - If you sat on the front row there - I 100% would catch it.
If you sat on the front row, there, I guarantee you, I could throw a teabag into your mouth from here.
Genuinely.
Jamie, you're going to throw the sweets.
You're going to catch them.
Assume the position, gentlemen.
APPLAUSE Jon, Jon, we don't really have We don't really have a name for this area, but I think maybe Thunderdome? It would be appropriate for this sort of thing.
I would like to see him succeed more than anyone, but just remember, we've got other rounds coming up that involve observation, so if you want to throw them at his eyes really hard OK, so, here we go.
Your time startsnow.
SHOUTS OF ENCOURAGEMEN DAVID: Plenty of time.
Go for it.
APPLAUSE I'm diabetic.
You got ten, there.
Jamie, want to have a go with Jon throwing? Yeah, I reckon we've got this.
I mean, you just didn't get it.
OK.
Would this be allowed if there was two throwers operating out of the same thing? If we were both throwing it at him? I think so, yeah.
Go, go, David.
Why not? For the spectacle of it Oh, my God, this is exciting! - OK.
- Oh, God.
I mean, it couldn't matter more.
Your 30 seconds startsnow.
SHOUTS OF ENCOURAGEMEN CHEERING AND APPLAUSE They've only gone and bloody done it! JIMMY LAUGHS We have a world record.
What a great day for jellybean throwing across the world.
And they said I was no good at sport! World record holder, Jamie Laing, everyone.
- Come on! - APPLAUSE OK, on with the game.
Jon and David, your turn to choose the letters.
Who gives a shit, now? MUFFLED: EmI have a real problem, here, trying to say what I want.
Cos I've eaten all those jellybeans.
Consonant, please.
Y Consonant, please.
R Vowel, please.
I WEST COUNTRY ACCENT: Y R I? Jethro has gone all deep.
"Y R I?" JIMMY LAUGHS A vowel, please.
A Consonant, please.
D Consonant, please.
F And a vowel, please.
E And a vowel, please.
U - And a consonant, please.
- And the last one S OK, and your time starts now.
- OK, I'll give it one go.
- OK.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, how many, David? I've got a good five.
I mean, there are longer words, but I've got a really good five.
A good five.
OK.
Jon, how many? Seven.
Seven, but is it a good seven? David has got a really good five.
- Not as good as his five.
- His five is amazing.
OhI've spelt mine wrong! OK.
Johnny? I've got a very ropey seven.
OK, ropey seven.
Jamie? What have you got? Six.
David, what was your five? Well, I was going for DOOFUS.
Ehbut then it was DUFES, so we'll just go with FAIRS.
FAIRS.
Jamie, your six? I don't know if it's a word.
I've gone for DERAYS.
- DERAYS? - DERAYS.
Are you spelling it with two Es, then? No, with one E.
That kind of DERAYS, actually That kind of DERAYS.
Hmno.
- Jon, your seven? - Ooh, we're in trouble, now.
YARDIES It is a Jamaican gang, yeah.
YARDIES.
You can't have YARDIES, I'm afraid.
It's got a capital letter.
THEY GROAN Tickle my tits.
OK.
What is your risky seven, Johnny? FRAIDEY.
F-R-A-I What, the day after Thursday? As in FRAIDEY cats.
Should be there What does FRAIDEY cats mean? Like scaredy-cat.
"FRAIDEY cat, scaredy-cat, sitting on a cat mat.
"Na-na, looking back" Did you never to that? "You mock my mum, your dad Na-na-na-na "My cousin is in the Army, he's got a gun!" OK, five points to David for FAIRS.
Holly, Susie, I'm guessing they could've done better.
- No, not that much better.
- How much better? - There was a six - RAISED.
- OK.
The scores at the moment, Johnny and Jamie have 12, Jon and David have 32.
OK, time to go across to Dictionary Corner once again.
- Holly, what have you got for us? - I have a true story.
It happened to me a couple of months ago.
Late one night, I received a text message from somebody who clearly had got the wrong number.
It was about 11:30, and I was sent this.
A picture of a man's genitals and the text message said "Lisa, this is what your missing out on.
J.
" I don't know what you do in this situation.
I have no ideas.
So I thought about it, and the next day, I decided to reply.
I wrote back, "Dear J, "thank you so much for sending me a picture of your penis last night.
"You shouldn't have.
"I've made a few notes.
"First up, it's YOU'RE, not YOUR.
"Just a little thing, but then, judging by your pic, "you're used to that.
"Secondly, I have recreated your penis out of pork products "to illiustrate my points.
"Sending an unsolicited picture of your cock to a stranger "can come across as a bit sexually aggressive, "so why not take the edge off "by adding eyes? "Also, you could even make it look even more impressive "by adding a bookshelf behind it "so that it looks like your penis has recently graduated.
" At which point, J wrote back "WTF, Lisa? This is really fucking weird.
" - And I wrote back - JIMMY LAUGHS "Which brings me to my final point.
"My darling J, before you send your cock to a woman you barely know, "maybe check she hasn't deliberately given you the wrong number.
" And he wrote back "Shit.
"Please don't show this to anyone.
" And I replied, "I can't promise that.
"PS "My cat ate your balls.
" APPLAUSE Holly Walsh, everyone.
Here is your final teaser.
The words are BUM NIGHT.
The clue is - stick it right up.
That's BUM NIGHT, stick it right up.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back! The answer to the teaser - the words were BUM NIGHT, the clue was "stick it right up!" It was, of course, THUMBING.
LAUGHTER OK, time for our final letters game.
Johnny and Jamie, your turn to choose the letters.
Right, can we go for a consonant? Yes.
L Another consonant.
L Er, a vowel.
Hope you know some Welsh words! - LAUGHTER - E Another vowel.
A Ooh! Er, a consonant.
R Another consonant.
W - Ooh! A vowel! - JOHNNY: Oh-ho-ho! I Er, a consonant.
G Wow! That got us out of jail! LAUGHTER And, er Anot Another vowel.
Boy, we're We're all right, mate, now - pick whatever you want! LAUGHTER And an O.
OK, and your time starts now.
JOHNNY: I'm looking at a sweet three! LAUGHTER LAUGHTER HUGE LAUGHTER APPLAUSE LAUGHTER I'll, er I'll do it later, but don't get rid of that.
LAUGHTER David, how many? Well, look! There's a six-letter word in the middle, just sitting there on its own.
It's like it came out of the jar fully made! - Where? - EARWIG! - Oh! - Right in the middle! - I didn't see that one! LAUGHTER OK, what did you get? - I got GRAIL.
- Johnny, how many did you get? HE MOUTHS Who's got a big head? That's why she's so brainy! - LAUGHTER - JOHNNY: Of course! I've got what everybody else has written done and got.
- What've you got? - EARWIG! - EARWIG? - OK, Jon, did you do any better than EARWIG? - No.
- TROWEL.
- TROWEL.
How are you spelling that? - Without a T? - Oh! - LAUGHTER What happened is I put down the I and I thought it was a that I'd underlined.
LAUGHTER OK, so both teams get six points! APPLAUSE APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT JOHNNY Holly, Susie, surely there was a bigger word in that dictionary? - LAUGHTER - There's a seven - ALLEGRO.
JON AND DAVID GROAN ALLEGRO? RACHEL GIGGLES Have I got really drunk and wandered onto It's A Knockout? LAUGHTER OK, so Johnny and Jamie have 18.
Jon and David have 38.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, fingers on buzzers.
It's time for today's Countdown Conundrum.
Your 30 seconds starts now.
JOHNNY: Yeah, once you know it.
What word is that? Um LAUGHTER BELL Jamie? GOLLYWING? LAUGHTER - Er, close, but no cigar.
Let's restart the clock.
- Ah! Is it GOLLYWING? LAUGHTER OK, let's have a look.
- JOHNNY: Oh! - GLOWINGLY OK, so the final scores are Johnny and Jamie have 18 points, but tonight's winners, with 38 points, Jon and David! CHEERING Congratulations! You're now the proud owners of this - the Countdown First Aid Kit.
Thanks to all of our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us.
Good night! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE