Birds of a Feather (1989) s10e03 Episode Script

1 What'll I do When you are far away? And I am blue What'll I do? When I'm alone With only dreams of you That won't come true What'll I do? Pop another waffle in for me, Garthy? Don't, she's already had seven.
Six.
I'm stocking up.
Oh, that could take a while.
I'm stocking up because the manageress from hell here, has moved my dinner break to 3:30.
Of course I did.
Lunchtime, as it's known in polite society, is when busy people do their shopping.
And what if the staff faint from hunger? Not very likely in your case, is it? Right, I'd better make a move.
Baguettes do not butter themselves.
Good luck, love.
Knock 'em dead.
Hardly the best thing to say to a chef.
So, are you nervous, mate? Why should he be? It's only a sandwich shop.
So, why is he dressed like a Mexican dentist? It's Seedy McCrusty's.
They're like the biggest thing in fast-food right now.
They've got over 50 different fillings.
You'll wish me luck, won't you, Poppy? Like Mum says, it's only a sandwich shop.
Laters.
Bye, Garth.
Bye, Garth.
See you, darlin'.
That'll be your minicab, Dor.
Actually, it's an executive car service.
Course it is.
I'll jump in the back, shall I? You can jump in the boot.
What?! As manager, I can't be seen to have favourites.
You'll have to get the bus.
Can I borrow your freedom pass? Don't be late.
Bye, all.
Goodbye.
Bye.
See you, love, bye-bye.
Could you walk Poppy to school for me? It's on your way.
Course he can.
No problem.
See you later.
See you.
Bye, darling.
Bye, sweetheart.
Right, you've got me to yourself.
What's going on with you and Garthy? Something's up.
No, nothing's up, and that's the problem.
Sorry? Thing is, Tracey, I've always had this powerful libido.
I don't really know anything about Italian cars.
Sorry.
You don't have to keep apologising.
Sorry, it's an English habit.
Sorry.
You see, having Poppy in with us all night means me and Garthy don't get any intimate together time.
How did you learn about that massaging then? You don't like talking about this sort of stuff, do you? I don't.
It's bad enough listening to Dorien going on about her sexploits, but Garthy's my son.
He's a grown man.
I know that.
I was in a terrible place when I met him.
What, Australia? I mean emotionally.
Sorry.
I was scratching a living trying to bring up a kiddy on my own.
You know what that's like.
Tell me about it.
And Garth's a great guy.
You did a terrific job.
I know I was snappy with him earlier and I feel really bad about it now.
I'll make it up to him tonight if I get the chance.
See what we can sort out.
Thanks, Tracey.
You're welcome.
Cos if I don't get it soon, I think I'm going to explode.
What you doing here? I thought you might be hungry.
Just a wild guess.
You're a lifesaver.
Garthy made it for you personally.
It's chicken salad.
With extra mayo, just how you like it.
Sharon, are you eating again on company time? No.
Then what's that on your face? I'm testing the suntan cream.
It's really good.
Tracey, what are you doing here? Sharon is supposed to be 'working'.
It's important.
Trace, if you say it's 'important', it means it ain't important.
If it's important you don't do the fingers - Sharon, get back to work.
It's a bit awkward.
Garthy and Marcie are having problems.
The bedroom.
Mattress too soft? No.
Pillows too lumpy? No! You know I don't like talking about it.
If it's about sex, I could counsel them.
As well as being a best selling author of an erotic memoir, I also - Put a sock in it, Dor.
They did that on page 73.
May I remind you, you are on company time here.
They don't need counselling, they just need privacy.
In your house? Have you paid for that? So, I said that Poppy can have the box room.
Eh? What about us? We'd have to move out, obviously.
Where to? Claridges? I made us some hot chocolate.
Oh, cheers.
I need the energy.
If I knew it needed this much blowing, I'd have got Dorien to do it.
Poppy's asleep already, look.
Oh, lucky Poppy (!) Come on, Shal, this is loads better than the box room.
It's cosy, it's got a big telly.
It's right next door to the downstairs loo, for when you come home all Schindler's.
Good night, Shal love ya.
Yeah whatever.
Sharon! It weren't me.
It's the bed, look, listen.
Go on, shove over.
Night, Shal.
Sharon! Yeah, that was me.
Dor! We were asleep.
But it's barely ten o'clock.
I've had the most intellectually stimulating evening, at the multiplex of all places.
What did you see? Monsters Inc? Hardly.
It was Matthew Bourne's Nutcracker in 3D.
So, you spent the evening watching some ballet bloke's meat and two veg coming right at you? You just want to hold your hand out and touch.
Think I'll have a Jacuzzi before bed.
Think maybe a cold shower.
Couldn't get a date so you had to settle for posh old lady porn.
Sharon, would you bring me up a pot of my special verbena infusion? Of course, milady.
In a parallel universe.
I'm fed up with being treated like a skivvy, Trace.
Tell me about it.
It's bad enough working with her, but living with her and all.
- Night, Shal.
- Night, Trace.
Oi, leave it, leave it, leave it.
Oi, you two, get a room.
They've got one, Trace.
It's yours.
Sorry.
Takes you back, doesn't it, Trace? I remember when you and Darryl first started courting, and you used to try and sneak him back into the garden shed.
How d'you know about that? I was in there.
You weren't.
I was.
I was having a crafty fag.
Oh, no.
Oh, yeah.
You filthy animal.
Night, Shal.
Night, Trace.
Shh! My mum goes to bed at 10:00.
What a surprise.
Blimey, it's like Bluewater at Christmas.
All right, love.
Yeah sorry, Mum.
Boys wouldn't mind something to eat, though.
It's all right, love.
I'll bung some pizzas in.
Cheers, Mum.
All right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Er where do you think you're going? I'm going up to the loft.
To have a kip.
Well, you can't.
Why not? It ain't got a window.
Neither did my council flat.
You let me sleep there for six months.
Oh, I'm flipping freezing.
Oh! What are you still doing up? Ain't you got school in the morning? I'm just helping Mum.
Yeah, well, I'm here now.
Mum made pizzas for me and my mates, so the least I can do is - Travis! You're a teenager.
Start acting like one.
Stop being such a mummy's boy and go to bed.
Creep.
Couldn't sleep up there after all? Too dark and scary, was it? No! Flipping freezing.
So, I was looking for a blanket, and And what? You know that programme on telly of an afternoon that you reckon's pants? That's most of them.
No, the one that really gets up your pipe.
Wanted Down Under? No.
Homes Under The Hammer? No.
What, Loose Women? No.
Well, what then? Cash In The Attic.
The Milky Bars are on me.
So, that's 49,500 quid.
And it was just rammed in a binbag? Yeah, next to Darryl's prize collection of balaclavas.
Good old Dad.
What do you mean, "Good old Dad?" He may not live here now, but he's still looking out for us, isn't he? Garth, don't you think if your dad wanted us to have this money, he'd have told us about it? Rather than wait for you and Marcie to make such a racket rutting that I had to sleep in the attic? Well, if it ain't from one of Darryl's blags, where's it from? Sharon, where is my verbena? If you don't know that by now, Dor, I really can't see how you wrote that book.
What on earth is going on? It was in the loft.
Instead of insulation? I see.
Well, it's obviously the proceeds of crime, isn't it? That's jumping to conclusions.
True, but as your husband always had difficulties differentiating between other people's property and his own - Do you mind? Credit where it's due, Darryl's kept his nose clean for years.
That doesn't mean he's reformed, it just means he's been lucky.
Or had a very big hankie.
Either way, it couldn't have come at a better time.
This could be my deposit on a restaurant.
What about me? I could go to uni without a student loan.
Talking of loans, I've got a few outstanding with Wonga.
Excuse me! Small point, it's not your money.
You have to give it back.
To Dad? It's not his, you plank.
Don't call your brother a plank.
Back to whoever it belongs to.
Does nobody in this family have a single moral scruple? Define scruple.
Well, I'm sorry, but I am not prepared to stay in a house where there is such a casual attitude to criminality.
See you, then.
No, I just mean that I have a certain reputation.
Yes, as featured in every phone box in Soho.
This has got nothing to do with you.
This is family business.
Looking on the bright side, there could be a reward.
They don't reward families of criminals.
Other than with infinite quantities of social security.
I reckon we should just do a straight split.
No! This money's going nowhere until I've had time to think about it.
This is staying here.
Mum, please.
We need it.
End of.
Sharon? What are you doing down there? Don't bother to lie.
You're eating again, aren't you? It's inhumane to expect me to go till teatime without sustenance.
I ain't a camel.
Appearances to the contrary.
Very well Let them eat cake.
What's this in aid of? I've just had the most exhilarating session with our founder, Barry Quid.
Barry Quid?! That ain't his real name, is it? Do you want a pastry or not? There's a pattern developing here, isn't there? So, what did Barry Quid want? Me.
He's so impressed with my flexible staff rota, he wants to roll it out across the whole chain.
And even better, he wants me to take over his new upmarket store in Snaresbrook.
Do you mean we won't be working together any more? Oh, don't pretend to be upset.
OK, I won't.
Can I have the rest of the day off? To celebrate? No.
To get you a leaving present.
You don't want anything from this old dump, do you? Ooh, that's good.
Ooh, that's nice.
Ooh, that's lovely.
Ooh, that hurts! There's a lot of tension, Tracey.
I got a lot to be tense about.
Suppose the Old Bill come knocking on the door looking for that money? You don't know what it's like.
I do.
My ex didn't spend five years in Melbourne Prison to update the plumbing.
I forgot about that.
Sorry.
Ooh, that's lovely.
Garth says I've got magic fingers.
Now you're making me tense again.
Ooh, oi, oi, saveloy.
Is there something you two ain't telling me? Cockney humour.
I got you a little pressie, Trace.
Oh, cheers, Shal.
Well, I was by the Christian Dior counter, anyway.
What are you doing at Christian Dior? Chanel doesn't do my shade of lipstick.
Marcie, give me and Sharon a couple of minutes, will you? Yeah, no worries.
You've been dipping into that money, ain't ya? No.
But I slept with it under my pillow.
How? Unless you skimmed it off before you even brought it down.
I may have allowed myself a small finder's fee.
Finder's fee? You'll find yourself in Holloway.
It was only 500, Trace.
And it's all right, because I laundered it.
How? You and laundry are barely on speaking terms.
I swapped it with the cash in my till.
Don't worry.
Don't worry?! Is everything all right, Mum? Yes, love.
Me and your auntie Sharon are just having a row over what colour lipstick she should wear at her trial.
I spent a little bit of that money.
Money that I found and now your mother's going into one.
What is it, love? Well, I spoke to Dad you know, like you asked.
And? And the money's not his.
No, it's ours.
Finders keepers.
I mean, he stashed it for these two brothers.
He had to, they made him, Mum, and they're real nutters.
Once one of them stabbed the other one in the back.
Yeah, they're right dodgy, them Milibands.
Shut up, Sharon, this is serious! Who are they, love? Eddie and Keith something.
Coker? Yeah, that's it.
Eddie 'The Choker' Coker? Sharon, what have you done?! What? That's a healthy looking package you've got there.
I've had a good day.
Got any plans for tonight? Don't think I could afford you, love.
No! No, I was flirting, not selling.
Would you mind stepping into my office for a moment, madam? Ow! You let me pay stolen money into the bank, you mindless Dishonest, cretinous Get her off me, Trace.
She ain't finished yet.
Now you've made me break a nail! You're very lucky I didn't lawn you up, Sharon.
Grass.
Mum, I'm still hungry.
Not now, love.
Dorien's still beating up your auntie Sharon.
Can I watch? I thought we were mates? We are, but honestly, trying to launder money through your own till? You been ear-wigging? I mean, if I was trying to launder some dodgy cash, I'd go to the bookies, bet on loads of odds-on favourites and walk away with my winnings in clean notes.
Why didn't I think of that? Go and get yourself a burger.
Cheers, Mum.
You swear you didn't say anything about Darryl, or the money, or us? And make myself an accessory? I don't think so.
I just said that a lot of unsavoury people shop at World of Quid.
Any one of them could pass stolen money.
Cheers, Dor.
So, I'm off the hook.
Well, until the police review the CCTV footage.
What footage? From World of Quid.
Obviously, they'll need to check for suspicious activity round the tills.
Oh, yeah.
Define suspicious.
I've heard Holloway ain't as bad as it used to be.
Oh, my God.
Mind you, I don't know what they'll say when they find out the cameras are dummies.
Dummies? What do you mean dummies? Because real cameras are expensive, Sharon.
And we don't stock anything worth stealing.
You cow! If I'd have known they were fake, I'd have - You'd have what? Don't matter.
At least I'm in the clear.
Until Eddie 'The Choker' Coker comes knocking and wants to know why his stash is a monkey light.
A monkey light? What language are you speaking now? I'm not interrupting anything, am I? Only Poppy doesn't like sleeping on her own.
You know how she feels, eh, Dor? Plus, she reckons there was some kind of big, scary monster clumping around in the loft all night.
That child must have a sixth sense.
So, we're going to have her back in with us.
The box room's all yours.
It's like winning the lottery.
Well, that's that, then.
Terrific rate of interest the money's going to earn up here.
Yeah, well, you'd better make up that monkey before the Coker brothers get parole.
I can nick the money out my till now I know the cameras are fake.
I'm joking.
So, are you coming to bed? No, I'd rather sleep in the lounge, actually.
You ain't still got the hump with me, have you? No, I'd just like a nice, quiet night without you snoring and far- Yeah, suit yourself! Night, then.
After you.
You don't trust me, do you? No.
Shh.
Oi! That's sexual harassment! I could have you spanked for that.
I dare you.
Now, you sure Mum and Auntie Sharon have gone to bed? No worries, I heard Sharon snoring.
All right, come here.
Right, lights on or lights off? Lights off is more romantic.
Clothes on or clothes off?