It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s10e03 Episode Script

Happy New Year 2016 - New Year, New Color ;-) You painted your butt blue and nobody noticed the hole in your pants? - Yeah, it worked.
It worked.
- Good trick.
As long as it works.
- Yeah! - That's the way to start a day.
And we got news.
We got news too.
Ooh.
Great song and great news? Yeah, and it's all tied in with the song, so it makes sense.
- What's the news? - Psycho Pete! Psycho Pete's back in town.
- Wait, what? - Whoa.
- We're gonna get our psycho back, bitches.
- Wait a minute.
The guy you went to high school with who killed and ate his family? - Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, but don't get all hung up on that.
He's out of the loony bin, all right? So We're getting the freight train back together, right? - Freight train! - Freight train! This is not good.
There's no way we can have a maniac hanging out in our bar.
He's fine though.
Okay? Look, they unscrambled his brain and he's, like, good now.
- Yeah, they sorted him out.
They sorted him out.
- No.
You cannot sort out a man who kills and eats other human beings.
The hospital said he's fine, so he's fine.
- The man did the time.
- Yeah.
No, no, no, no.
I lived with these maniacs in the loony bin.
There is no curing those psycho bastards.
It's actually really sad but once your brain's a piece of shit, it's always a piece of shit.
There is no way we're having that psychotic mutant anywhere near our bar.
- That's all there is to it.
- Excuse me.
Hey, I'm talking to my friends here, so Charlie, seriously, keep that psycho killer away from us, man.
Charlie.
It's me.
It's Peter.
I don't know any Peters, so I don't know how you know my name but if you want a beer, just go have a beer, freak.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Peter? - Pete, is that you? - Wait, Psycho Pete? - Hey, Ronald.
- Oh! Dude, you look gnarly.
I did not recognize you, man.
Psycho Pete! What happened to your hair? You used to have all that hair.
Did you, like, yank it out in a fit of rage? That's pretty psycho.
- No, it's just genetics.
- Aw, genetics.
So psycho! What are they feeding you, bro? - I mean, you look huge.
Look at that mass.
- You were like 85 pounds before.
Yeah, struggling with my weight for a while now.
Yeah.
Meds don't help.
- Oh.
Oh, yeah.
- A psycho struggle! - Hey, we got something cued up for you here, man.
Oh! - Yeah, we brought something.
Come on, come on.
Be the caboose.
Be the caboose.
Actually, you know, j-just turn the music down.
Just a bit.
Oh, yeah, sorry.
We were gonna do the freight train song for you.
So, what-what do you want to do? You want to get nuts? You want to get into some shit? Oh, oh, oh, yeah! You used to go right up to babies in carriages and just scream in their faces, you know, they'd cry? Uh, dude, that was psycho.
I-I don't feel good about that stuff.
I actually regret a lot of the stuff we used to do.
- Do you? - So, um Do you think I could, like, grab a glass of water or something? - Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Charlie, can I talk to you for a sec? - Yeah.
- This guy sucks now.
- Oh, my God.
- Like, I don't like him at all.
- No.
He's, like, not psycho at all.
- No, it's like Mild-mannered Pete.
- More like Boring Pete.
- I thought something like this might happen.
- Did you? - I got a plan.
- 'Cause they mess with their brains up there.
- Hey, uh, Pete? - Yeah.
We're gonna go.
Okay.
- That's a good plan.
- Yeah.
Pete.
Sorry about the stuff I was saying - about the mentally insane earlier.
- Did that anger you? I didn't mean to call psychotic people mutants.
It's cool.
- You know, oh - Oh.
We had the, uh Oh, geez, and that's right now.
- Shoot, I wish I could stay.
- Yeah, me too.
- Adios.
- Okay.
- Water.
- See you, man.
Good luck.
Hey.
Charlie, you know, the main problem with people going to these state-run loony bins is the separation between church and state.
Explain.
You spend most of your time talking to a therapist instead of a priest.
A priest is gonna let you off the hook for all the things that you've done.
- You heard Pete.
He feels guilty.
- Yeah.
- He needs to be absolved, so that he can go psycho again.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- I gue I guess I see that.
Look, dude, I feel guilty all the time for my thoughts and urges but I'm not gonna talk to a therapist who's gonna make me, you know, deal with it and confront those issues.
I talk to a priest, he lets me off the hook.
I move on.
- Here's our guy.
Hey! - Hey! - Cricket! - Aw, man.
- Crick, Crick, Crick, Crick, Crick - Cricket, Cricket, Cricket.
- What do you guys want, huh? - Can we ever get a warm reception from you? Yeah, it's never a nice "hello.
" What's the cloak thing too? What are you doing here? A Phantom of the Opera thing, or what? I don't like it.
Take it off.
- Pop it off.
We're trying to have a conversation.
- Holy shit! - Put it back on! - Put it on! - Put it back on! - What the hell happened to your face? - You want to know what happened? - Yeah.
This happened to me when I was locked in your burning apartment at Thanksgiving.
- Nah, you weren't there.
- I don't think you were there, man.
I was there, Mac, and my whole face burned off.
I remember I was there.
Why would we want you at Thanksgiving dinner? Especially looking like that.
You would've freaked everyone out.
This happened at your apartment! - I can't follow a thing this guy's saying.
- Guys, can we just focus? - How do you not follow? - Cricket, we need something from you.
Yeah, we need something.
And we brought you beer.
Beer? Yeah, okay, fine, I'll help you.
Just give me the beers.
Oh, whoa, whoa! There's five more there.
What about the others? - They're not all for you.
- I'm gonna give you all the beer in the world? What do you guys want? What do you want? Okay, we need you to hear our friend's confession and then absolve him of his sins.
Ah.
And? - That's the whole thing.
That's what priests do.
- Yeah, that's it.
That's it? I don't need to suck him or anything or let him inside me? Why would I want you to No.
- Dude, that's it.
- Just hear the confession.
All right.
But if he winds up inside me, it will cost you a whole sixer.
I mean, that I got my dignity.
- Well, let's go, bud.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Let me get one of those other beers too.
- You gotta earn it.
- You have to earn it.
So, we'll talk to the hospital administrators.
We'll let 'em know that they've made a mistake.
Mistake? No, I can't imagine they let him go.
- I'm sure he must've escaped, right? - I don't like loony bins.
- This is giving me a really bad feeling.
- Yeah.
That's understandable, Frank, but these places, they're a necessary evil.
We gotta trust the system.
Let's just get Pete back into the system.
That's right.
There's a system in place for everything.
- We don't have to panic.
Everything's gonna be fine.
- Yeah.
Is it locked? - Let's go.
- Hello? Hang on.
What is going on here? Looks like this place has been shut down for months.
Oh, my God, Dennis, listen to this.
"Reed Mental Institution was shut down because of statewide cutbacks.
" Oh, so they just cut all the loonies loose? What? How could they do that? That's-That's insane! I guess it was either that or raise our taxes.
What? Raise my taxes? Come on.
How much do these vultures need? I already pay a ton in taxes.
Then I guess they're gonna have to shut down more of these places.
What? Shut down more of these We gotta have somewhere to send our lunatics.
Then we're going to have to pay more taxes.
What? I'm not paying more in taxes.
I won't do it.
Don't speak of it again! This is strange.
I swear, this is all too familiar.
Whoa.
It's okay, Froggy.
I'll keep you moist.
Oh.
This is it! This is it! What? What are you babbling about? This is the nitwit school I was shanghaied to when I was a kid.
That one that you had your mommy tell them to tell you that you didn't have donkey brains.
I knew I didn't have donkey brains.
But everybody else did.
Especially my roommate, the frog kid.
Oh, you had a frog kid roommate? Sure.
Froggy and I used to take care of each other.
He was a good kid.
We watched each other's back.
One time, we escaped and they chased us down with those big nets they use to catch dogs.
Did you grow up in a cartoon? I can't believe they set them loose.
Froggy can't be in the world out there.
Froggy never did anything wrong.
I gotta find Froggy.
Froggy! Froggy! - He's unzipped.
- Yeah, all right, look.
What are we gonna do, Dee? We can't have Pete wandering the streets.
I don't want him near me.
We gotta get him sent somewhere.
Or Ooh! What about that nut, uh nuthouse in West Chester? - Ah, it says that one's been shut down too.
- Oh, come on! I pay so much money in taxes already.
Where's that going? Well, they used that money to open up the Eagles' new practice facility.
That makes sense.
That's kind of a no-brainer.
- We can't have our guys out there twisting ankles.
- Yeah.
A man of Shady McCoy's abilities, he needs a proper landing strip.
Gotta get our maniacs in green set up in a nice facility.
- Sophie's choice, huh? - Mm-hmm.
Oof.
Go Birds.
Go Birds.
Go Birds.
Is there something weighing on your mind, my son? Wh-What? Who Who is that? It's time to confess your sins.
Unburden yourself and be absolved.
Is that a glory hole? Yes.
It is, my son.
But it'll cost you a whole sixer if you want to unburden yourself in that way.
Uh, that being said, I'm open to it.
- Stay on topic here, man.
- Just absolve the man and let's go.
I don't even know what I'm absolving him of.
All right? He has to confess something first.
What's going on in here? We'll just do the confession for him and God'll get what we're going for.
- Cricket, we're gonna confess.
- Okay, fine.
All right, um, he used to scream in babies' faces.
Well, that's just funny.
- They'd be all freaked out.
- Okay, no, you know what he used to do? - He used to gather, like, cats and dogs - Oh, yeah.
And then put them into a little room and have 'em battle it out.
That's just cats' and dogs' nature, to fight so I don't see a problem with that.
- Oh, also, he murdered and ate his family.
- Right.
What? See, there was like a Christmas dinner thing with the eating of his family and a burning of the house down.
- Is this Psycho Pete? - Yeah, yeah.
Jesus Christ! That guy's a goddamn maniac.
I'm not absolving him.
He should be in jail.
Hey, guys? Pete, is that you? - Hey, man.
- I'm gonna get out of here, okay? - Oh.
- I'm gonna use use the women's restroom.
Oh, sure! Yeah, a lot of people in here.
- Kind of a full house.
- Yeah.
Yeah, the women's room, I'm sure, is - Goddamn it, Cricket.
- Uh, is it safe? - Is it safe to be here? - Relax, Cricket.
It's safe.
The guy's all docile and shit now.
He's on these meds No, look, he-he might look calm on the outside but there's a storm brewing on the inside.
I think I know what the problem is.
He's psycho.
He's straight-up possessed by the devil.
- Okay, you lost me.
- Okay, think about it.
He used to be fun crazy.
You know? And the devil was like, "I like this dude.
I'm gonna get involved.
" He jumps in there, makes him evil crazy.
Then the meds get thrown on top.
They shut everybody down.
Okay.
All right, so where you going with that? We gotta get him off the meds and get the devil out.
- You want to do an exorcism? - Of course I want to do an exorcism.
- That's what the whole thing - That's where I come in.
Why didn't you come out like, "Let's do an exorcism"? I can't lead with the exorcism.
We'll get the demon and the goblin out and we'll have our fun Pete back.
- I want to get the demon out but not a goblin.
- We should get 'em all out.
Get the demon, the goblin, the ghoul, and then you got Pete.
Well, no, no, no, no.
There's no goblins.
There's no ghouls.
It's just demons, okay? - Well, they're all made up.
- That's why he burned your face, you son of a bitch! - Yeah, that's true, man.
- Okay, look, I'm getting hot.
- I'm getting too hot.
- Yeah, we're getting hot.
Let's just go get the exorcism going.
And let's get you, like, a hat or a hood or All right, now listen.
Let me talk to this doctor, okay? I'll explain to him that we have a dangerous psychopath in our bar and he could snap at any minute.
And because there are no facilities to lock him in we need to get him his medication as soon as possible - in order to avoid a massacre.
- No.
No, no, no, no, no.
Just let me handle this.
I'll act crazy and then he'll prescribe them to me.
You will sit here and you will be quiet.
Your bad acting will only confuse him and it will infuriate me.
I'm gonna ask him about the frog kid.
- Don't do that.
Don't do that.
- Oh, my God.
No, Froggy and I need each other.
He's out there all alone.
- You - I'm gonna find Froggy.
You are never gonna be able to find a goddamn frog person, okay? - I'm gonna find him.
- Guys, please.
Just let me handle it.
I got it.
Hello.
Thank you for waiting.
I'm Dr.
Coleman.
How can I help you today? Yes.
Do you have some sort of donkey-brain database? - No.
- I'm looking for a kid the frog kid.
Just search for any half-man, half-amphibious creature.
Yeah, okay, no.
That's not why we're here.
Doctor, I've always relied upon the kindness of strangers.
What are you do What is that, A Streetcar Named Desire? I'm in desperate need of medical intervention.
You see, years ago I tried to burn my college roommate down to the box springs whilst she was sleeping.
And now I have a hankering to do it again.
- Dr.
Zimmerman! - Excuse me? Dr.
Albert Zimmerman the old bastard who ran the nitwit farm.
He'll know where Froggy is.
I'll find him.
Yeah.
- I'll find the frog kid.
- Yeah, go find him.
- I'm gonna find him.
- Uh, I'm not sure I understand what's happening.
- I'm schizophrenic.
- Dee? I swear you would be of more use to me if I skinned you and turned your skin into a lampshade.
Or fashioned you into a piece of high-end luggage.
I can even add you to my collection.
Are you saying that you have a collection of skin luggage? Of course I'm not, Dee.
Don't be ridiculous.
Think of the smell.
You haven't thought of the smell, you bitch! Now you say another word and I swear to God I will dice you into a million little pieces.
And put those pieces in a box a glass box that I will display on my mantel.
All right.
Now that that's settled, we can have a normal conversation.
Now, Doctor, I'm here to talk to you about a man a very dangerous and a very unstable man.
Dr.
Zimmerman? - Yeah? - It's me.
Don't you recognize me? Yes.
Yes.
Of course I recognize you.
Good, 'cause I got questions.
What did you do with him? Where is he? - Where is whom? - The frog kid.
Froggy! Oh, God, Doc.
I got to find him.
But I don't understand.
I got to know where he is, Doc, because I got to help him.
I-I owe him that much! But, Franklin Yes? You are Froggy.
Huh? I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America It was you, Frank.
You are the frog kid.
You were an outcast as a child so you created an imaginary friend.
It's okay, Froggy.
I'll keep you moist.
But the lines of reality became blurred.
Soon you didn't know where Frank began and Froggy ended.
Oh, yeah.
I see that.
I remember that now.
What are you doing? You're having an episode again, Frank, aren't you? We've got to catch the little froggy.
Put that down.
Get out of here.
- Here we go.
Come on.
- I'm not sick anymore.
I'm not a frog.
- I know I'm not a frog! - Catch the froggy! We have to catch the froggy.
Let's go through the through the through the the checklist.
- Um, crucifix.
- I got it.
Got that.
Holy water.
We got that.
We got all the stuff.
We got the straps.
We got everything, man.
- Okay.
- So, what's the plan? We're gonna, like, bum-rush this guy from behind? Whoa, whoa.
Guys, come on.
No one is taking me from behind, all right? Unless you have crack.
If you have crack, let's boogie.
No one is going into your asshole.
I wouldn't let them without the crack.
Can we just Let's go through the basic beats, all right? - Uh, talk a bunch of Latin.
- Yeah, that's me.
I'll fake it.
Wait.
What do you mean, you'll fake it? You don't know your Latin anymore? Don't worry about it.
I can sell anything, you know? You know how many times I fake on the streets? You know? You have to fake.
The guys that don't fake, they're the ones that get it the worst.
Cricket, just, like, anything we can do to have you not talk about like, sucking penises or getting raped in the butt? It just keeps popping up.
Oh! Oh! Hey, I got it.
Problem solved.
I got Pete's drugs.
Oh, we got drugs? All right, crank me up, baby! We going up? Down? How we doing this, huh? Cricket! Ugh! - Oh, the face? Yeah, sorry.
- Jesus Christ! That is gross, man.
- What the hell? - God's wrath.
He had some sort of Thanksgiving incident.
He went to some party Yeah, at your house! Everyone was there.
How do you not remember this? No, you were not at our place 'cause we would not have invited you to our Thanksgiving thing.
- Never mind.
Doesn't matter.
- How the hell did you get drugs for Pete? Well, I had a simple conversation with a reasonable man and that man wrote me a prescription.
Mmm, yeah.
He got the drugs by being a real-life, actual psychopath.
She keeps Uh, no.
Ridiculous, okay? No, the man asked me a few questions.
- Mm-hmm.
- I answered those questions as honestly as I could.
- Right.
- Next thing I know, I'm walking out the door - with meds for borderline personality disorder.
- Yup.
- That's how you get shit done.
- No, no.
That's how you get diagnosed.
Where is he? Where's Pete? I'm gonna put him out of his misery! No, Frank! We're gonna help this guy, all right? But there's no helping him, Dennis.
Don't you understand? I know.
I'm the frog kid, right? It was all in my mind, but I got cured.
But I could have another episode.
If I had another episode, what do I do? I eat a couple of flies.
If he has another episode, he kills us.
- He's a murderer.
- Dude, dude.
No, I'm not.
Huh? I'm-I'm not a murderer.
That's just what a murderer would say.
No, no, no, really.
All that stuff with my family it's just it's just a rumor people started about me.
You know, kind of like all the rumors you guys started about me? - What rumors? What are you talking about? - Huh? You know, that I'm crazy and stuff.
- Well, yeah, uh, crazy awesome, you know.
- Like crazy bad-ass! Yeah, except-except none of it was true and then the more people spread it around the more afraid people were of me.
Well, wait a second.
Then why did you get sent to a mental institution? Social anxiety disorder mixed with depression.
I was really more of a danger to myself.
I was always talking about committing suicide.
- Ooh.
- Oh.
That's why I wanted to reconnect with you guys 'cause a lot of people, they can't deal with that kind of stuff but you always liked me, so I figured you guys could help me cope with it.
That we would help - Yeah! - Oh, yeah, yeah.
Well, we could help you cope with it.
Um - Or - Hmm? This thing's going all the way to Los Angeles, buddy, all right? - City of Angels! - Yeah, a place where no one is depressed.
You can surf the sadness away.
This is exactly what you need, Pete.
I want to thank you guys for trying to help me.
- Suppose it could be good to get a fresh start.
- Yeah, all that.
Save the chitchat for the hoboes.
- You got a long trip.
- Get on the train! Bon voyage.
All right.
That takes care of that.
Problem solved.
All right.
Well, uh, you guys want to go pop by the new Eagles facility? - Ooh.
- Heard they're having an open practice.
- Yeah! - Let's go, Eagles! - Let's go, Birds! - Ride that train! Go Birds! Go Birds! Oh! Well, George, good luck.
Enjoy Philadelphia, City of Brotherly Love.
- Yeah.
- They're gonna take great care of you here.
Rain, rain, buzzing.
All right, get on out of here.
Take care, pal.
- Bye.
- Okay.
Well, that takes care of that.
Problem solved.
Let's get out of here.
Happy New Year 2016 - New Year, New Color ;-)