Not Going Out (2006) s10e03 Episode Script
Facts of Life
1 # We're not going out # Not staying in # Just hanging around With my head in a spin # But there is no need to scream and shout # We're not going out We are not going out.
I'm going to get you! I'm going to get you! Blimey, have you seen Molly's Barbie doll? No, what's the matter? One of the kids has drawnsomething on it.
I think the word you're looking for is nipples.
Yeah, all right.
What? There's nothing wrong with the word nipples.
There is when it's in the same sentence as Barbie doll.
It's like saying your Action Man's got chlamydia.
What type of action has he been getting? Don't you think it's a bit weird? Well, maybe they should have used a pink felt tip.
I've only ever seen orange ones on Love Island.
They're a bit young for that sort of thing, aren't they? Benji, Molly? Who drew nipples on Molly's doll? Me.
And why did you do that, Benji? Because she took my Match Attax album and drew a willy on Harry Kane.
Why have my little angels suddenly turned into Roy Chubby Brown? Where are they off now? To draw a foofoo on Mrs Potato Head? They're just a bit giddy because they had RSE at school.
What, using the keyboards too much? That's RSI.
Oh.
RSE is relationship and sex education.
Sex education? They're not learning that already, surely? Yeah.
And you're all right with that? I'm fine.
But you don't let them watch Doctor Who? Doctor Who is not the same as the facts of life - it's got nothing to do with how the kids came to exist in the world.
Yes, it has.
You got pregnant with the twins after we watched that Christmas episode with the Cyberwoman.
They're far too young for sex education.
Well, how old were you? Well, we didn't have it.
I waited until I was a teenager and learned everything I needed to know from old copies of Razzle.
I'm surprised you never got RSI.
I'm not happy about this.
Oh, do you want us to go and talk to the teacher? Yes, I do.
It's Miss Anstice.
No, I don't.
She doesn't like me.
Doesn't like you? She doesn't know you.
If she knew you, she wouldn't like you.
Oh, right, I'll make an appointment to see her.
Fine.
Let's go find out what filth this pornmonger is forcing on our babies.
That's the spirit - go with an open mind.
So, what questions do you have exactly? You don't need to raise your hand.
We just wanted to know, you know, what exactly you're teaching them during these lessons.
RSE covers a wide spectrum.
Reproduction is obviously one of them, but also social themes like emotional wellbeing, families and, of course, good bodily hygiene.
I don't expect you've got a spare pamphlet, have you? This week we were learning the differences between boys and girls and the correct name for the body parts.
So that's why Benji keeps yelling out about hisyou know Penis? Or testicles? Do the kids get multiple choice, or is it just me? The children learn the correct name for their body parts to reduce the level of giggling and smuttiness.
Well, there's another way of reducing giggling and smuttiness.
How? Teach them maths and English instead.
We are teaching them English - with new words, like testicles.
And by teaching them that boys have two, that's the maths covered, as well.
Well, I see the importance of using the correct terminology.
It could cause all sorts of confusion and emotional turmoil if the kids are all running around using different slang words for body parts.
Oh, bollocks.
For example.
Exactly.
Wrong terminology.
Which they often pick up from parents.
Oh, what's wrong with having a willy? I've got a feeling you're going to tell me.
So what other things are you teaching them? In the next lesson, we begin the module on human reproduction.
As the children put it, where do babies come from? Sex.
Well done.
I might put you on the good child rainbow.
I mean, just say it like it is - you're teaching them sex.
No, we're teaching them reproduction.
Is there a difference? Would you like to join us for a lesson? You'd be surprised what some parents don't know.
I know she doesn't look well enough to have sex.
Why is there a picture of a piglet's head over her whatsit? I appreciate your concern, but we feel that unless we teach them from a very early age, all kinds of playground gossip gets embedded in their minds.
For example, one child recently announced to the class that if a woman fills a washing-up bowl full of Coca-Cola and sits in it, she can't get pregnant.
Well, that's true, isn't it? She needs to have sex, as well.
I told you she didn't like me.
Well, I didn't like you to start with.
Give her a couple of decades and a lot of alcohol I do not want that woman teaching my kids the facts of life.
I bet she's never even done it.
Done it? Why don't you put your finger in your fist and give me the full practical, professor? If she ever got a man into bed, it wouldn't be reproduction - it would be abduction.
Look, I know she's a little uptight, but she's a good teacher.
You don't have a problem with how she teaches geography.
No-one ever grew up to be a crackhead or a porn star because they were scarred by a lesson on oxbow lakes.
So what next? I'll tell you exactly what next.
You're going to drop this right now and let her do her job.
Agreed? Oh, fine.
But I still think kids grow up far too quickly nowadays.
No wonder there's so many teenage pregnancies.
Just because kids understand sex, it doesn't mean they immediately rush out and do it.
You know what reading is.
Toby, you're a doctor.
I've got a rule on my day off.
If I can't see it without you getting undressed, I'm not looking at it.
It's aboutsex.
Well, that's very flattering, but can we wait until my lemon muffin has settled? When did your Jack start asking about the facts of life? Ah, a couple of years ago.
Anna bought him a book.
What book? A Harry Potter first edition, I think.
Well, how did that help? It didn't, it was a distraction technique.
Stop him asking awkward questions.
When that didn't work, she bought him a pair of Adidas trainers.
He may not know much about girls, but at least he can run away from them.
The twins have started sex education at school.
Good.
It's not good.
They should be waiting until they're much, much older.
Yeah, let's not tell kids about all that kind of stuff until they're into their second or third pregnancy.
They don't want any spoilers, do they? Why don't you talk to the kids about the facts of life? Because I don't want them knowing about it.
Well, sounds like they're going to know, whether you like it or not.
You might feel better if it comes from you first.
And if they've only just started the lessons, they might not have been told about all the messy, squelchy bits yet.
Are you definitely a doctor? What did your dad tell you when you were a kid? I'm assuming he gave you the talk.
My dad? He only taught me two things about sex.
One was to always check for wedding rings and escape routes and the other was something about Coca-Cola, which I now know to be bullshit.
So are you going to talk to them? Yeah, why not? I'm sure I can do this in a mature and intelligent way.
Do you think I should get puppets? Might be a bit much.
So where were we up to? There's a mummy and a daddy and they love each other very much.
Right.
We're still only there, are we? So, when they decide they want to have a baby, the mummy lies She tells lies? No, no.
She lies down next to the man.
Although I have had a woman lie to me in bed.
I say woman - turns out it was a man.
Know your audience, Lee.
So, the woman lies down next to the man and .
.
this next bit is going to sound a little bit odd, but they love each other very much, so you've got to factor that in.
You've already said they love each other.
Right, and they're married - did I mention that? Yes.
To each other.
Was that clear? Yes.
Good.
And they've got a mortgage and they've got rid of his old van and exchanged it for a nice sensible five-door Skoda, so they are ready.
Ready for what? To have a baby.
And how do they do that? Well, they .
.
have a lie down together and Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, nine months later, the mummy has a baby.
Right, who wants to play on the PS4? But how does the baby get inside the mummy? Right.
Do you know? Yes.
Tell us where babies come from.
You know puppies? Are we getting a puppy? No.
Mummies make puppies? No.
When a daddy dog and a mummy dog love each other very much Can dogs get married? Yeah, sure.
How do their little top hats stay on? Never mind that.
When the daddy dog and the mummy dog want to have a puppy, they go into the kennel together.
And then what happens? Well, the daddy dog, he is very excited about being in there.
And so he Actually, it's worse using dogs, let's go back to humans.
This is so boring.
Exactly.
It's really boring.
You won't have to worry about it for a very long time.
It's like Erm, I don't know, what's really boring that only grown-ups like? Ikea.
Perfect example.
It's like Ikea.
Nobody wants to go to Ikea, it's really boring.
But when you're older, much older, and your body .
.
changes and is ready to go to Ikea, you'll suddenly be really interested in going to Ikea.
You'll be wanting to go to Ikea every night.
Sometimes two or three times a night.
Is that where you get the seeds from - Ikea? What? My friend Amy said you need seeds to make a baby.
Right.
Well, do you get the seeds from Ikea? Of course not.
So where do the seeds come from? Oh, B&Q.
B&Q? Making a baby sounds like way too much shopping.
You're right.
I wouldn't worry about it for a very long time.
We won't.
And what's the most important thing about this little chat that I said right at the start? That mummies and daddies love each other very much and we are a very special miracle of that love.
No, not that.
The other thing.
Don't tell Mum we had this chat? That's the one.
Can we get a puppy? Oh, whatever you want.
Did she say why she wanted to see us again? No.
She just said there'd been some disruption in the sex education class and she wanted to talk to us one-to-one.
Well, maybe I should go, otherwise it will be two-to-one.
So, where to begin? Even before today's lesson on reproduction we had problems.
During story time, a boy and girl lay down next to one another and Molly made them sit up in case the girl got pregnant.
What, she thought if a boy lies down next to a girl she'll have a baby? No.
She thinks she'll have puppies.
And when I showed the class this diagram, Benji said I wasn't allowed to show the class one of these until they'd all bought a five-door Skoda.
Kids, eh? Where do they get this stuff? Well, don't look at me.
They said from their father.
All right, now you can look at me.
Well? Look, I just thought, as a good parent, I should be the one telling them about the facts of life.
Without discussing it with me first? I said I was a good parent, I didn't say I was a good husband.
Well, your use of euphemism and metaphor has given them quite a vividly inaccurate idea of human reproduction.
All right, I didn't use all the right words, but what was I supposed to do? Take this home and go, "Oh, look, kids, it's a vagina"? No, you definitely shouldn't have done that.
Exactly.
Because that is the vulva.
The vagina is the muscular canal that connects the vulva to the uterus.
Look, I might not know all the right words, but I know enough to teach the basics.
Are you sure about that? Yes.
You know, the eggs and the seeds and all that.
OK.
So where do the eggs come from? What? I'm just checking you know the basics.
You know, make sure we're teaching the same curriculum.
So where do the eggs come from? The woman.
Well done.
Can you be more specific? Whereabouts in the woman? You know I know, yes, do you? The tummy.
The tummy? The egg dispenser.
You mean the ovary? That's what I meant.
And of course, they travel from the ovary to the uterus, via the What are these called? F F F Filipino.
Oh, God.
And this? How the hell did you ever get me pregnant? This is ridiculous, you don't need to know the name of all the engine parts to teach a child how to drive.
And why are you teaching them to drive? Is that so they can nip out and buy the seeds to get the woman pregnant? You know, from B&Q? You absolute knobhead.
Don't you mean penis cranium? I'm not happy about her attitude, I'm taking this to the head.
Knowing your anatomical knowledge, you'll mistakenly take it to the arse.
Talk about the blind leading the blind.
What's that supposed to mean? Well I might not know my technical gubbins, but I know where all the important bits are and what you do with them.
Don't I? Don't I? Sometimes.
Sometimes? Well, let's put it this way If you were a postman delivering a package, you know where the front door is, but you're not exactly clear on the location of the bell.
Where exactly is this bell? About half an inch from where you've been jabbing away.
Well, maybe next time I'll leave it behind the bins.
So why haven't you said anything before? Oh, you're just so coy when it comes to talking about sex.
I talk about sex.
Talking about sex is not, "Come on, Lucy, we've got ten minutes "before Deliveroo arrives.
" Well, he always knocks.
What? I'm just saying, I'm not the only one who can't find the bell.
So how come if I don't know what I'm doing, you always sound like you're enjoying yourself? Well, you know No, tell me.
Well, sometimes it's real and sometimes You're faking it? Well, not all the time but, you know, sometimes I'm tired and you're in a rush because you want to watch Line Of Duty.
I don't believe this.
Look, I don't always have time to help you with all the moves.
Up, down, left a bit, right a bit.
Sorry, are we still talking about making love? Or winning on the grabber machine at Blackpool Pleasure Beach? Look, there's more to being a good husband than just sex, you know.
Like what? Grouting.
Grouting? Yeah.
You're excellent at that.
And that's something I can't do for myself.
Sorry? Well, what do you think I'm doing while you're watching Line Of Duty? But they only saw it on the X-ray ten days later.
What's up with you? You normally love my anecdotes about surgeons accidentally leaving tools inside people.
You know what we were talking about before - you know, sex? You know it's worse if you whisper? It makes everyone more interested in what you're saying.
Perhaps you should start whispering your anecdotes.
Do you ever worry that you don't quite know as much about sex as you thought you did? Did Pointless do a round on erogenous zones? I always thought I had a good handle on the way women's bodies work.
I'd done all the research in various bus shelters when I was a teenager.
Turns out I might not be all that in the bedroom.
Maybe you should try it in the bus shelter.
I'm finding this difficult enough - can you not just use it as an opportunity to mock me? And what did she say to that? Sorry, carry on.
I won't laugh.
Actually, is that what she says? Forget it.
Look, no, sorry.
Look, sit down.
You've never mentioned this before.
I never knew, did I? Turns out, sometimes Lucyfakes it.
Well, there's nothing wrong if it's sometimes.
It's the same in my marriage, as well.
Anna sometimes fakes it? No, I sometimes fake it.
I can't keep going like I used to.
My back isn't what it was.
Well, you'd feel different if it was the other way round.
Well, I suppose that might help keep my spine straight.
I mean, if Anna was doing the faking.
Well, she probably is sometimes.
Oh, I don't know.
Anna strikes me as the kind of person whose moans are always genuine.
Well, I think you're worrying unnecessarily, but if you feel really strongly about it, it's never too late to learn.
Learn? I can help you.
I'm not wearing a wig.
Here's a list of books and DVDs.
How come you know all this stuff? Homework from Anna.
She doesn't like any wishy-washy time-wasting in that department.
I do my research, I have a map.
Clearly delineated targets for a bombardment.
And a clear exit strategy.
I'm the Andy McNab of clinical lovemaking.
Blimey, does she make you wear a balaclava? Please don't answer that.
MUSIC: Let's Do It (Let's Fall In Love) by Rudy Vallee # Let's do it, let's fall in love # In Spain the best upper sets do it # Lithuanians and Letts do it # Let's do it, let's fall in love The Dutch in old Amsterdam do it BUZZING # Think of Siamese twins # Those Argentines without means do it # People say in Boston even beans do it # Let's do it, let's fall in love # Sponges, they say, do it # Oysters down in Oyster Bay do it # Let's do it, let's fall in love # Cold Cape Cod clams, 'gainst their wish, do it # Even lazy jellyfish do it # Let's do it, let's fall in love # Electric eels, I might add, do it # Though it shocks 'em, I know # Let's do it, let's fall in love # And all sedate barnyard fowls do it # When a chanticleer cries # Old high-hat owls do it # And they're supposed to be wise # The longest worms on the walks do it Even little cuckoos in their clocks do it DOORBELL RINGS Let's do it, let's fall in love.
MUSIC: Je T'AimeMoi Non Plus by Serge Gainsbourg Well done.
Oh, that really is quite remarkable.
Yeah, all right, David Coleman.
Oh, oh! That's new.
What, the body part or what I'm doing to it? What you're doing to it.
Thank God for that.
I thought I'd found a growth.
I couldn't have done it better myself.
Oh, hang on a minute.
It's getting a bit hot in here.
I couldn't do an eight-hour shift in this.
Tell me, honestly, that thing we did before What, with the thing? Yeah.
With the thing Were they real noises you were making? Oh, yes.
Oh, wow.
I thought you had fur balls.
Wait.
Don't worry, I've got a spare jar for the kids' breakfast.
The bedroom door.
Was it open before? I expect you're wondering why I've called you in again.
No idea.
Me neither.
Your children have been .
.
joining in in class again.
I wrote it down to capture all the lovely details.
Would you like to hear what they said? Is it necessary? We're more than happy to just consider expulsion.
"When a mummy and daddy love each other very much "and want to make a baby, "the daddy wears a funny rubber face mask ".
.
the mummy handcuffs him to the bed so he can't run away, "then the mummy puts on some rubber gloves and tells him off "for being very, very naughty.
" Well, that's the last time they watch CBeebies.
There's a lot more, some of it really quite impressive.
I don't know where a mummy and daddy would get fresh asparagus out of season.
I think maybe the twins must have been speaking toothers.
Vegetarians, by the sound of it.
I don't think we can blame the vegetarians.
A saveloy was also mentioned.
Did the twins seem upset by all of this? More confused than anything.
Although Molly was a little concerned about one thing.
What? Apparently, some mummies keep a rabbit in their bedside drawer.
And she's worried it'll suffocate.
If she's worried it'll suffocate in there, it's a good job she doesn't know where it's headed next.
Well, we're sorry that they interrupted the class, and we'll talk to them.
Please do.
I think perhaps we should go.
Of course.
You're clearly verybusy people.
All I wanted to do was protect the children's innocence and I've ended up doing the complete opposite.
Oh, don't worry.
We put the kids straight with our little chat.
And anyway, it's good that we faced up to it and talked to them in a sensible and grown-up way.
By pretending we were playing cops and robbers? Yes.
Daddy had just stolen Mummy's big pink electric toothbrush, so she arrested him and sentenced him to a great big tickle fight.
And Mummy stubbed her toe and that's why she was making all those noises.
And why she had to put her toe inin Daddy's mouth.
Maybe we should also pretend that I stubbed my No.
Oh, well.
There is one silver lining.
At least the postman knows where the doorbell is now.
And anyway, I'm sorry about all of that.
How do you mean? Well, I might have slightly exaggerated your fumbling because I was cross with you for talking to the kids without telling me.
So I was never that bad in the first place? Not really.
In fact, it's your grouting that's actually rubbish.
I'll take that.
Lock the door.
Oh, yeah.
# We're not going out # Not staying in # Just hanging around with my head in a spin # But there's no need to scream and shout # We're not going out We are not going out.
I'm going to get you! I'm going to get you! Blimey, have you seen Molly's Barbie doll? No, what's the matter? One of the kids has drawnsomething on it.
I think the word you're looking for is nipples.
Yeah, all right.
What? There's nothing wrong with the word nipples.
There is when it's in the same sentence as Barbie doll.
It's like saying your Action Man's got chlamydia.
What type of action has he been getting? Don't you think it's a bit weird? Well, maybe they should have used a pink felt tip.
I've only ever seen orange ones on Love Island.
They're a bit young for that sort of thing, aren't they? Benji, Molly? Who drew nipples on Molly's doll? Me.
And why did you do that, Benji? Because she took my Match Attax album and drew a willy on Harry Kane.
Why have my little angels suddenly turned into Roy Chubby Brown? Where are they off now? To draw a foofoo on Mrs Potato Head? They're just a bit giddy because they had RSE at school.
What, using the keyboards too much? That's RSI.
Oh.
RSE is relationship and sex education.
Sex education? They're not learning that already, surely? Yeah.
And you're all right with that? I'm fine.
But you don't let them watch Doctor Who? Doctor Who is not the same as the facts of life - it's got nothing to do with how the kids came to exist in the world.
Yes, it has.
You got pregnant with the twins after we watched that Christmas episode with the Cyberwoman.
They're far too young for sex education.
Well, how old were you? Well, we didn't have it.
I waited until I was a teenager and learned everything I needed to know from old copies of Razzle.
I'm surprised you never got RSI.
I'm not happy about this.
Oh, do you want us to go and talk to the teacher? Yes, I do.
It's Miss Anstice.
No, I don't.
She doesn't like me.
Doesn't like you? She doesn't know you.
If she knew you, she wouldn't like you.
Oh, right, I'll make an appointment to see her.
Fine.
Let's go find out what filth this pornmonger is forcing on our babies.
That's the spirit - go with an open mind.
So, what questions do you have exactly? You don't need to raise your hand.
We just wanted to know, you know, what exactly you're teaching them during these lessons.
RSE covers a wide spectrum.
Reproduction is obviously one of them, but also social themes like emotional wellbeing, families and, of course, good bodily hygiene.
I don't expect you've got a spare pamphlet, have you? This week we were learning the differences between boys and girls and the correct name for the body parts.
So that's why Benji keeps yelling out about hisyou know Penis? Or testicles? Do the kids get multiple choice, or is it just me? The children learn the correct name for their body parts to reduce the level of giggling and smuttiness.
Well, there's another way of reducing giggling and smuttiness.
How? Teach them maths and English instead.
We are teaching them English - with new words, like testicles.
And by teaching them that boys have two, that's the maths covered, as well.
Well, I see the importance of using the correct terminology.
It could cause all sorts of confusion and emotional turmoil if the kids are all running around using different slang words for body parts.
Oh, bollocks.
For example.
Exactly.
Wrong terminology.
Which they often pick up from parents.
Oh, what's wrong with having a willy? I've got a feeling you're going to tell me.
So what other things are you teaching them? In the next lesson, we begin the module on human reproduction.
As the children put it, where do babies come from? Sex.
Well done.
I might put you on the good child rainbow.
I mean, just say it like it is - you're teaching them sex.
No, we're teaching them reproduction.
Is there a difference? Would you like to join us for a lesson? You'd be surprised what some parents don't know.
I know she doesn't look well enough to have sex.
Why is there a picture of a piglet's head over her whatsit? I appreciate your concern, but we feel that unless we teach them from a very early age, all kinds of playground gossip gets embedded in their minds.
For example, one child recently announced to the class that if a woman fills a washing-up bowl full of Coca-Cola and sits in it, she can't get pregnant.
Well, that's true, isn't it? She needs to have sex, as well.
I told you she didn't like me.
Well, I didn't like you to start with.
Give her a couple of decades and a lot of alcohol I do not want that woman teaching my kids the facts of life.
I bet she's never even done it.
Done it? Why don't you put your finger in your fist and give me the full practical, professor? If she ever got a man into bed, it wouldn't be reproduction - it would be abduction.
Look, I know she's a little uptight, but she's a good teacher.
You don't have a problem with how she teaches geography.
No-one ever grew up to be a crackhead or a porn star because they were scarred by a lesson on oxbow lakes.
So what next? I'll tell you exactly what next.
You're going to drop this right now and let her do her job.
Agreed? Oh, fine.
But I still think kids grow up far too quickly nowadays.
No wonder there's so many teenage pregnancies.
Just because kids understand sex, it doesn't mean they immediately rush out and do it.
You know what reading is.
Toby, you're a doctor.
I've got a rule on my day off.
If I can't see it without you getting undressed, I'm not looking at it.
It's aboutsex.
Well, that's very flattering, but can we wait until my lemon muffin has settled? When did your Jack start asking about the facts of life? Ah, a couple of years ago.
Anna bought him a book.
What book? A Harry Potter first edition, I think.
Well, how did that help? It didn't, it was a distraction technique.
Stop him asking awkward questions.
When that didn't work, she bought him a pair of Adidas trainers.
He may not know much about girls, but at least he can run away from them.
The twins have started sex education at school.
Good.
It's not good.
They should be waiting until they're much, much older.
Yeah, let's not tell kids about all that kind of stuff until they're into their second or third pregnancy.
They don't want any spoilers, do they? Why don't you talk to the kids about the facts of life? Because I don't want them knowing about it.
Well, sounds like they're going to know, whether you like it or not.
You might feel better if it comes from you first.
And if they've only just started the lessons, they might not have been told about all the messy, squelchy bits yet.
Are you definitely a doctor? What did your dad tell you when you were a kid? I'm assuming he gave you the talk.
My dad? He only taught me two things about sex.
One was to always check for wedding rings and escape routes and the other was something about Coca-Cola, which I now know to be bullshit.
So are you going to talk to them? Yeah, why not? I'm sure I can do this in a mature and intelligent way.
Do you think I should get puppets? Might be a bit much.
So where were we up to? There's a mummy and a daddy and they love each other very much.
Right.
We're still only there, are we? So, when they decide they want to have a baby, the mummy lies She tells lies? No, no.
She lies down next to the man.
Although I have had a woman lie to me in bed.
I say woman - turns out it was a man.
Know your audience, Lee.
So, the woman lies down next to the man and .
.
this next bit is going to sound a little bit odd, but they love each other very much, so you've got to factor that in.
You've already said they love each other.
Right, and they're married - did I mention that? Yes.
To each other.
Was that clear? Yes.
Good.
And they've got a mortgage and they've got rid of his old van and exchanged it for a nice sensible five-door Skoda, so they are ready.
Ready for what? To have a baby.
And how do they do that? Well, they .
.
have a lie down together and Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, nine months later, the mummy has a baby.
Right, who wants to play on the PS4? But how does the baby get inside the mummy? Right.
Do you know? Yes.
Tell us where babies come from.
You know puppies? Are we getting a puppy? No.
Mummies make puppies? No.
When a daddy dog and a mummy dog love each other very much Can dogs get married? Yeah, sure.
How do their little top hats stay on? Never mind that.
When the daddy dog and the mummy dog want to have a puppy, they go into the kennel together.
And then what happens? Well, the daddy dog, he is very excited about being in there.
And so he Actually, it's worse using dogs, let's go back to humans.
This is so boring.
Exactly.
It's really boring.
You won't have to worry about it for a very long time.
It's like Erm, I don't know, what's really boring that only grown-ups like? Ikea.
Perfect example.
It's like Ikea.
Nobody wants to go to Ikea, it's really boring.
But when you're older, much older, and your body .
.
changes and is ready to go to Ikea, you'll suddenly be really interested in going to Ikea.
You'll be wanting to go to Ikea every night.
Sometimes two or three times a night.
Is that where you get the seeds from - Ikea? What? My friend Amy said you need seeds to make a baby.
Right.
Well, do you get the seeds from Ikea? Of course not.
So where do the seeds come from? Oh, B&Q.
B&Q? Making a baby sounds like way too much shopping.
You're right.
I wouldn't worry about it for a very long time.
We won't.
And what's the most important thing about this little chat that I said right at the start? That mummies and daddies love each other very much and we are a very special miracle of that love.
No, not that.
The other thing.
Don't tell Mum we had this chat? That's the one.
Can we get a puppy? Oh, whatever you want.
Did she say why she wanted to see us again? No.
She just said there'd been some disruption in the sex education class and she wanted to talk to us one-to-one.
Well, maybe I should go, otherwise it will be two-to-one.
So, where to begin? Even before today's lesson on reproduction we had problems.
During story time, a boy and girl lay down next to one another and Molly made them sit up in case the girl got pregnant.
What, she thought if a boy lies down next to a girl she'll have a baby? No.
She thinks she'll have puppies.
And when I showed the class this diagram, Benji said I wasn't allowed to show the class one of these until they'd all bought a five-door Skoda.
Kids, eh? Where do they get this stuff? Well, don't look at me.
They said from their father.
All right, now you can look at me.
Well? Look, I just thought, as a good parent, I should be the one telling them about the facts of life.
Without discussing it with me first? I said I was a good parent, I didn't say I was a good husband.
Well, your use of euphemism and metaphor has given them quite a vividly inaccurate idea of human reproduction.
All right, I didn't use all the right words, but what was I supposed to do? Take this home and go, "Oh, look, kids, it's a vagina"? No, you definitely shouldn't have done that.
Exactly.
Because that is the vulva.
The vagina is the muscular canal that connects the vulva to the uterus.
Look, I might not know all the right words, but I know enough to teach the basics.
Are you sure about that? Yes.
You know, the eggs and the seeds and all that.
OK.
So where do the eggs come from? What? I'm just checking you know the basics.
You know, make sure we're teaching the same curriculum.
So where do the eggs come from? The woman.
Well done.
Can you be more specific? Whereabouts in the woman? You know I know, yes, do you? The tummy.
The tummy? The egg dispenser.
You mean the ovary? That's what I meant.
And of course, they travel from the ovary to the uterus, via the What are these called? F F F Filipino.
Oh, God.
And this? How the hell did you ever get me pregnant? This is ridiculous, you don't need to know the name of all the engine parts to teach a child how to drive.
And why are you teaching them to drive? Is that so they can nip out and buy the seeds to get the woman pregnant? You know, from B&Q? You absolute knobhead.
Don't you mean penis cranium? I'm not happy about her attitude, I'm taking this to the head.
Knowing your anatomical knowledge, you'll mistakenly take it to the arse.
Talk about the blind leading the blind.
What's that supposed to mean? Well I might not know my technical gubbins, but I know where all the important bits are and what you do with them.
Don't I? Don't I? Sometimes.
Sometimes? Well, let's put it this way If you were a postman delivering a package, you know where the front door is, but you're not exactly clear on the location of the bell.
Where exactly is this bell? About half an inch from where you've been jabbing away.
Well, maybe next time I'll leave it behind the bins.
So why haven't you said anything before? Oh, you're just so coy when it comes to talking about sex.
I talk about sex.
Talking about sex is not, "Come on, Lucy, we've got ten minutes "before Deliveroo arrives.
" Well, he always knocks.
What? I'm just saying, I'm not the only one who can't find the bell.
So how come if I don't know what I'm doing, you always sound like you're enjoying yourself? Well, you know No, tell me.
Well, sometimes it's real and sometimes You're faking it? Well, not all the time but, you know, sometimes I'm tired and you're in a rush because you want to watch Line Of Duty.
I don't believe this.
Look, I don't always have time to help you with all the moves.
Up, down, left a bit, right a bit.
Sorry, are we still talking about making love? Or winning on the grabber machine at Blackpool Pleasure Beach? Look, there's more to being a good husband than just sex, you know.
Like what? Grouting.
Grouting? Yeah.
You're excellent at that.
And that's something I can't do for myself.
Sorry? Well, what do you think I'm doing while you're watching Line Of Duty? But they only saw it on the X-ray ten days later.
What's up with you? You normally love my anecdotes about surgeons accidentally leaving tools inside people.
You know what we were talking about before - you know, sex? You know it's worse if you whisper? It makes everyone more interested in what you're saying.
Perhaps you should start whispering your anecdotes.
Do you ever worry that you don't quite know as much about sex as you thought you did? Did Pointless do a round on erogenous zones? I always thought I had a good handle on the way women's bodies work.
I'd done all the research in various bus shelters when I was a teenager.
Turns out I might not be all that in the bedroom.
Maybe you should try it in the bus shelter.
I'm finding this difficult enough - can you not just use it as an opportunity to mock me? And what did she say to that? Sorry, carry on.
I won't laugh.
Actually, is that what she says? Forget it.
Look, no, sorry.
Look, sit down.
You've never mentioned this before.
I never knew, did I? Turns out, sometimes Lucyfakes it.
Well, there's nothing wrong if it's sometimes.
It's the same in my marriage, as well.
Anna sometimes fakes it? No, I sometimes fake it.
I can't keep going like I used to.
My back isn't what it was.
Well, you'd feel different if it was the other way round.
Well, I suppose that might help keep my spine straight.
I mean, if Anna was doing the faking.
Well, she probably is sometimes.
Oh, I don't know.
Anna strikes me as the kind of person whose moans are always genuine.
Well, I think you're worrying unnecessarily, but if you feel really strongly about it, it's never too late to learn.
Learn? I can help you.
I'm not wearing a wig.
Here's a list of books and DVDs.
How come you know all this stuff? Homework from Anna.
She doesn't like any wishy-washy time-wasting in that department.
I do my research, I have a map.
Clearly delineated targets for a bombardment.
And a clear exit strategy.
I'm the Andy McNab of clinical lovemaking.
Blimey, does she make you wear a balaclava? Please don't answer that.
MUSIC: Let's Do It (Let's Fall In Love) by Rudy Vallee # Let's do it, let's fall in love # In Spain the best upper sets do it # Lithuanians and Letts do it # Let's do it, let's fall in love The Dutch in old Amsterdam do it BUZZING # Think of Siamese twins # Those Argentines without means do it # People say in Boston even beans do it # Let's do it, let's fall in love # Sponges, they say, do it # Oysters down in Oyster Bay do it # Let's do it, let's fall in love # Cold Cape Cod clams, 'gainst their wish, do it # Even lazy jellyfish do it # Let's do it, let's fall in love # Electric eels, I might add, do it # Though it shocks 'em, I know # Let's do it, let's fall in love # And all sedate barnyard fowls do it # When a chanticleer cries # Old high-hat owls do it # And they're supposed to be wise # The longest worms on the walks do it Even little cuckoos in their clocks do it DOORBELL RINGS Let's do it, let's fall in love.
MUSIC: Je T'AimeMoi Non Plus by Serge Gainsbourg Well done.
Oh, that really is quite remarkable.
Yeah, all right, David Coleman.
Oh, oh! That's new.
What, the body part or what I'm doing to it? What you're doing to it.
Thank God for that.
I thought I'd found a growth.
I couldn't have done it better myself.
Oh, hang on a minute.
It's getting a bit hot in here.
I couldn't do an eight-hour shift in this.
Tell me, honestly, that thing we did before What, with the thing? Yeah.
With the thing Were they real noises you were making? Oh, yes.
Oh, wow.
I thought you had fur balls.
Wait.
Don't worry, I've got a spare jar for the kids' breakfast.
The bedroom door.
Was it open before? I expect you're wondering why I've called you in again.
No idea.
Me neither.
Your children have been .
.
joining in in class again.
I wrote it down to capture all the lovely details.
Would you like to hear what they said? Is it necessary? We're more than happy to just consider expulsion.
"When a mummy and daddy love each other very much "and want to make a baby, "the daddy wears a funny rubber face mask ".
.
the mummy handcuffs him to the bed so he can't run away, "then the mummy puts on some rubber gloves and tells him off "for being very, very naughty.
" Well, that's the last time they watch CBeebies.
There's a lot more, some of it really quite impressive.
I don't know where a mummy and daddy would get fresh asparagus out of season.
I think maybe the twins must have been speaking toothers.
Vegetarians, by the sound of it.
I don't think we can blame the vegetarians.
A saveloy was also mentioned.
Did the twins seem upset by all of this? More confused than anything.
Although Molly was a little concerned about one thing.
What? Apparently, some mummies keep a rabbit in their bedside drawer.
And she's worried it'll suffocate.
If she's worried it'll suffocate in there, it's a good job she doesn't know where it's headed next.
Well, we're sorry that they interrupted the class, and we'll talk to them.
Please do.
I think perhaps we should go.
Of course.
You're clearly verybusy people.
All I wanted to do was protect the children's innocence and I've ended up doing the complete opposite.
Oh, don't worry.
We put the kids straight with our little chat.
And anyway, it's good that we faced up to it and talked to them in a sensible and grown-up way.
By pretending we were playing cops and robbers? Yes.
Daddy had just stolen Mummy's big pink electric toothbrush, so she arrested him and sentenced him to a great big tickle fight.
And Mummy stubbed her toe and that's why she was making all those noises.
And why she had to put her toe inin Daddy's mouth.
Maybe we should also pretend that I stubbed my No.
Oh, well.
There is one silver lining.
At least the postman knows where the doorbell is now.
And anyway, I'm sorry about all of that.
How do you mean? Well, I might have slightly exaggerated your fumbling because I was cross with you for talking to the kids without telling me.
So I was never that bad in the first place? Not really.
In fact, it's your grouting that's actually rubbish.
I'll take that.
Lock the door.
Oh, yeah.
# We're not going out # Not staying in # Just hanging around with my head in a spin # But there's no need to scream and shout # We're not going out We are not going out.