8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown (2012) s10e04 Episode Script
Joe Wilkinson, Jayde Adams, David Baddiel
This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
Tonight on Eight Out Of Ten Cats Does Countdown Jon Richardson.
Sean Lock.
Joe Wilkinson.
Jayde Adams.
David Baddiel.
Susie Dent.
And Rachel Riley! Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Hello and welcome to Eight Out of Ten Cats Does Countdown, a show about letters, numbers and conundrums.
Did you know, for example, the word pension comes from an old Anglo-Saxon word for rent? Most people don't understand pensions, but they're really simple.
Every Thursday, you put on a grey wig, dress up as your dead nan and collect her money from the Post Office.
40 is the number of minutes a cockroach can hold its breath, which explains why no-one has been able to successfully drown Piers Morgan.
And the Oxford English Dictionary grows by over 4,000 words a year.
No wonder Susie Dent is worn out.
Well, that and the dogging.
Right, let's get started.
OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, Sean Lock.
Thank you.
APPLAUSE Sean Lock is one of Britain's highest profile comedians, and that profile has been built up over the years by Scotland Yard's Serial Killer Task Force.
Joining Sean tonight is Joe Wilkinson! APPLAUSE Joe Wilkinson has only two natural enemies.
Velcro and the nit nurse.
Up against them this evening is Jon Richardson! APPLAUSE Since getting married, Jon says he's learned the true meaning of love, whilst his wife has learned the true meaning of buyer's remorse.
And Jon's team-mate, Jayde Adams.
APPLAUSE As well as being a comedian, Jayde is also an opera singer.
I love opera.
It doesn't matter if you're rolling your eyes at the ceiling, stuffing cotton wool in your ears, or falling to your knees begging for it to stop, opera is the perfect soundtrack.
Right Jon, here's a question for you.
Are you a morning person or a sort of night owl, what would you say? Well, we've just had a baby, so the mornings are horrific.
And so are the nights.
So there's about ten minutes at about midnight that are all right, when I'm just downing that fourth whisky.
My wife goes to bed early.
She goes about half nine and I pretend we don't drink during the week, because she doesn't.
It was becoming an issue in the marriage, so I just pretend I don't as well.
And then she goes to bed around half nine, I get shit-faced as quickly as I can.
Your wife goes to bed at half nine? How boring are you at home? It's more that we have an argument while we're watching telly, cos she don't do it right.
Whoa, I'll stop you there.
What does she not do right? Well, she'll ask me a question while the thing's on.
Write it down and we'll talk after.
What kind of questions? She'll say something like, "Oh, we went to a place like that, didn't we?" And then I have to pause the telly to .
.
ask her what she said cos I didn't hear, which she finds quite passive aggressive.
I want to hear my wife.
I love my wife.
But I also want to hear what the Siddiquis have to say about what they've watched this week.
- Jayde, this is your first time on the show.
- It is.
What do you think you can be better at, letters or numbers? What's your strong suit? Well, I was just practising my mental arithmic up in the dressing room.
So not the letters then? I'm going to be really great at both of them because I'm nothing but enthusiastic about things that I'm not very good at, so It's like me and sex, brilliant.
Jon, can I ask you, are you missing your baby daughter and have you made Jayde dress up as a child? I like to dress like I'm a drag queen or a toddler.
It's weird, you've nailed both.
Thanks! OK.
Sean, tell us something about yourself that people might not know.
Well, OK.
You ready for this? I'm the heir to the Birds Custard fortune.
HE MIMICS EXPLOSION My real name is Sean Birds-Custard.
With a hyphen.
it was too posh, I didn't like it, so I got rid of it.
And I felt a lot of people just were hanging around for the wrong reasons.
I felt like, are these my friends? Or do they just They just want some custard! That's a hard question to ask yourself, when you're 28.
That's the main thing that people don't know about me.
And I was the first person to do that with a baseball cap.
It was my idea.
I was at a keyhole.
And I realised ladies Ladies found it more intimate in lovemaking.
So No, it's a lovely innovation.
And Joe, what have you been up to recently? Er, sitting about.
Anything else, at all? Oh, no, I just love sitting down so much that I actually don't mind getting bad news.
Also, I had to go to a wedding, though.
That was a pain in the arse, wasn't it? - Whose wedding? - I don't know.
A little tip for you, Jimmy.
Never tell a bride with a bit of dog shit on her dress .
.
to chillax.
They get annoyed, especially when they find out it was you who threw it at her.
But, in my defence, we'd run out of confetti.
I had to improvise.
Sean, have you got a mascot? I do, Jimmy.
You know, everyone enjoys a coffee table book.
Something that they can pour over any time they want, you know? - Sure.
- Something special, something beautifully made.
And I've come up with a beautiful coffee table book.
And you know the expression, "Fit as a butcher's dog"? - Yes.
- I thought, what about a baker's dog? So this book's called Fit As A Baker's Dog.
And it features, you know, some dogs who, through the sympathetic look in their eyes, they can wheedle a snack out of the most hard-hearted of owners.
So that's Buttercup.
Oh, here's Trigger.
- It's Trigger.
- Called Trigger.
Now, a lot of people would say that Trigger is fat or obese.
But, no, she just likes big bones.
That's Duke.
JAYDE: Oh, he's great.
Look at him.
Is Duke a dog or a seal? Duke, actually, is a bit of a record holder.
- Really? - He hasn't had a crap for nine months! Ha-ha-ha! And then I thought, well, why not expand the book? That looks like a flamingo that's let itself go.
Oh, here's Poppy.
You wouldn't think carrots could do that to a rabbit.
- Oh, my God.
- Here's Harley.
- Excellent.
The only way he could catch a mouse was if he landed on it.
Can this be the rest of the show? This is my favourite, it's Rusty! And will this be in all good book stores? Every one.
Every single place you could imagine.
Railway stations We're going to also drop them into war zones.
Just to make people go, "Yeah, what are we doing?" - Sean's mascot, everyone.
- Thank you.
APPLAUSE Jon, have you got a mascot? Yes.
It's a coping strategy, really.
Life's very stressful, isn't it? And if you get annoyed as much as I do, by people and the things they do, it's nice to have a way of getting that out, so, at the end of every week, what I do is, I purge myself of all the things that have upset me, - and I thought you could watch me do it, live.
- Oh.
So what you've got to do is, you take the things that have worried you or upset you, and you write them down on a piece of paper and then you get rid of it.
So, this first one is for the woman I kept smiling at on the train.
I was having a good old stare at her, and I thought I knew her, and then I realised that it's just that I saw her when I got on the train .
.
and then when I looked back, I remembered seeing the first time, and I think she thought I was going to kill her, but You justswallow the stress down.
I have given it a physical form.
This is a chewy one.
And this is helping you cope with that? That's gone now.
That's gone.
Ah! This is the uncredited park.
I did a really good reverse park this week and my wife didn't say a fucking thing.
APPLAUSE This one, unfortunately is too toxic to have inside me.
This is carphone guy.
This is a guy on the M5, who I was overtaking, because I drive, like, sometimes 60, 65? I was going past this guy.
I could see he was on his mobile, giving it that.
Dangerous.
Pulled in behind him.
Little flash of the old full beam.
Just let him know I'm there, I know what he's up to.
Go past him thinking, "Are you going to have a phone conversation "with my horn on full blast?" Drive on a bit, realised it's a foreign car, he's just a passenger! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Goodbye, carphone guy.
And he's gone.
- Jayde, have you got a mascot? - I brought a box.
I used to be a freestyle disco dancer.
Yeah, sure, sure.
I was.
I did it for 12 years.
I wasn't great at it.
My sibling was.
But I asked my mum for the box of trophies that I knew she had in the attic, which were basically about 100 ninth place trophies that they gave me to stop me from having a tantrum because I didn't win.
And I asked her for this box, and she said, "All right, I'll send it up.
" So she sent it up and I opened the box, and I'm confused, because there were all these big trophies in there, like, just lots of them, and I don't actually remember winning any of these trophies.
And what it turns out is that my mother has sent me my sibling's trophies of when she won everything and then I asked her what happened to my trophies and she said, "We threw them out.
" Nice.
Joe, have you got a mascot? Yeah.
I've brought one of my collection of Countdown, um, indoor tropical water features.
So there's all of us on here.
Having a nice time.
There's Sean, see Sean there? He's having a lovely time, shouting at a pigeon.
Jon on holiday there.
He's slightly more body conscious than Sean.
So he's wearing a T-shirt with no trousers and pants on.
And that's the only one that's life-sized.
Then, here, we've got me, Susie and Rachel having a lovely time and, as you can see, Rachel's passed out on the back.
She's been drinking all afternoon.
And then, finally, we've got Jimmy here, lounging.
Having a lovely time with his cocktail.
Don't know why he's so happy.
Absolutely no genitals.
And the best bit about it, my favourite bit, is, it's, uh .
.
not actually water.
It's Campari and lemonade.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE A fine water feature.
Beautiful.
OK, over in Dictionary Corner, it's David Baddiel! APPLAUSE David's latest book won an award for Best Laugh Out Loud Book For 9-13-Year-olds.
I mean, it was aimed at adults, but still David, you got two kids.
What kind of a parent are you? I am all right.
I've brought along a picture of my daughter, Dolly.
That's her a few years ago wearing her lovely, cute panda hat.
It's an interesting thing, because people on the telly, they don't normally bring along pictures of their kids because they think the press might get a hold of it and that represents some kind of intrusion.
But I'm more worried the press might get a hold of some pictures of me doing some bad parenting.
For example, forcing Dolly to pull her lovely, cute panda hat over her face and then adjusting her hair, so that she looks like Hitler.
LAUGHTER That is, that is questionable in any household, but in a Jewish household it's, yeah, it's reallyyeah.
Well, that's part of the thrill of it, really.
LAUGHTER It is weird, sometimes, being a bit well-known.
Like, when she was three, she used to call me Daddy, obviously, but she would also sometimes hear people calling me David, so sometimes she'd call me David.
And then once, I was taking her for a walk in the park and she had to go for a wee.
And I went into the men's toilet, I sort of pushed past all these men who were in there, got her into the cubicle.
That's the moment she chose to go, "David Baddiel!" And I could feel all the men outside thinking, "That's not her father!" - OK, and with David of course, it's Susie Dent.
- Susie Dent APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Susie Dent knows the derivations of even the rudest words and phrases.
So, where does cock-gobbler come from? Well, she was born in Woking, but now she lives in Oxford.
That's my fave.
You're always banging that door, aren't you? Are you talking to Susie or me, now? He's never banging on my door, I have to say, thank goodness.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Susie, you often post a word of the day on Twitter.
What's your word for the day? Uh, crimble is quite nice.
Crimble is to cringe into yourself, shrink into yourself, and try to sneak past someone, unnoticed.
And, Jon, one of my favourite words, which we use a lot at home, is a scurryfunge.
- A who now? - Scurryfunge is that manic kind of tidying that you do just before visitors arrive.
But you probably never scurryfunge, do you? No, I never have visitors.
And in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Where would we be without Rachel Riley? We could probably just move the letters board closer to Susie.
It's not like she's rushed off her feet! Rachel, who do you think here would be the best person here to help you survive a zombie apocalypse? Apparently one of the ways you can get rid of them is by pretending to be a zombie so, obviously, Joe.
LAUGHTER I would have been a little hurt if you hadn't chosen me! OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this, the Countdown trumpet! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING TRUMPET PLAYED POORLY LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE OK, let's count down, everyone.
Time for the first game.
Sean and Joe, you get to pick the letters.
Good evening.
May I have a vowel? - You may.
Thank you, Joe.
- Please.
- I.
- The other one, the other one, the longer ones.
- G.
- And then a consonant.
- T.
- And then a vowel, please.
- E.
- Consonant, please.
- S.
- And then an H.
Next to it.
G.
Then a vowel, please.
- I.
- This is horseshit.
- Want me to take over? - Would you mind? OK, watch this.
Consonant, please, Rachel.
- L.
- Oh, much better! And another vowel, please.
RACHEL: And the last one, O.
And for the first time today, here's the Countdown clock! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I've only gone and bloody done a hamstring.
- How many, Jon? - Seven.
- Jayde, how many? - Five.
Sean, how many? - Five.
- Joe? - Tough one.
- Seven.
LAUGHTER Sorry, Joe? Do you want to start at that end? - Jayde, your five.
- I don't even know if it's a word.
- It's OK, Jayde, it's OK - I want it to be a word so badly! What is it? GILTS - GILTS.
- Yeah, that's a word.
- Oh, thank God! Sean, your five? TOILS.
- Jon, your seven? - Are we not going to Joe? - Well, he'll get there.
- I sort of feel it's easier for him to get there, if I give him a run.
Probably is.
What have you got, then? - TOGGLES.
- Oh, that is weird! LAUGHTER TOGGLES! Absolutely mental! How have you spelt it, out of interest? Joe, did you get anything at all? Oh, shut up! I had TILL.
How are you spelling TILL? T-I-L-L.
There's one L, there's one L! That's seven points to Jon! APPLAUSE Baddiel and Dent, could they have done any better? We had TOGGLES as well, and we had a word that describes your inner soul, which was OILIEST.
I'm thrilled you think I have a soul! So, at the end of that, Jon and Jayde are in the lead with seven.
APPLAUSE OK, into our first numbers round.
Jon and Jayde, your turn to pick the numbers.
Can I have three big 'uns and three small 'uns, please? Yes, you can, Jayde.
Whatever you like.
All right.
- Little ones are nine, ten - Uh-oh.
- .
.
and seven, and the big ones, 75, 50, and 25.
Oh, I'm gonna be rubbish.
And the target, 219.
OK, and your time starts now.
- So the target was 219.
Did you get it, Jayde? - No! - What did you get? - I panicked and I just wrote loads of 50s .
.
on the bit of paper.
She has written five 50s down there.
I was in the bottom set for maths at school, so, you know, we've got a couple of other rounds of this, right? Was your sister any good? LAUGHTER APPLAUSE - OK, did you get it, Jon? - I've got it, mate.
You got it.
OK, Sean, did you get it? I got 218.
OK, close.
Joe, I presume you got it.
Yep.
How did you get it, Joe? No, there's no, there's no 15 there.
If you did 25 - 10, does that help? There's no pi! OK, Jon, how do you do it? 75 / 25 - JOE: What? - Is three.
- JON: Times seven.
- Can't use magic, mate.
Times 10.
- RACHEL: 210.
- JON: And add nine.
Is that real? Is that real? APPLAUSE AND CHEERING It's not a real thing.
It's not the real thing.
So the scores at the moment, Sean and Joe are on no points, Jon and Jayde have 17.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING And here's your teaser.
The words are, NOB CURSE, the clue is, you don't have want to be hit by one.
That's NOB CURSE, you don't have want to be hit by one.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were NOB CURSE.
The clue was - you don't want to get hit by one.
It was, of course, BOUNCERS.
So, Jon and Jayde are in the lead.
They've been playing in teams so far.
- But this game is just for Sean and Jayde.
- Yes.
SHE SIGHS So, Jayde, your turn to choose the letters.
Can I have a consonant, please, Rachel? Thank you, Jayde.
D And a vowel.
I And a consonant.
Y And two voweltwo vo-vowels.
U and E.
And then a consonant.
R And then another consonant.
B And a vowel.
A And then a consonant.
And the last one S And your time starts now.
MUSIC: California Gurls by Katy Perry AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG IN TIME TO MUSIC APPLAUSE Where's everyone gone? Oh, for fuck's sake! LAUGHTER It's Pat Sharp off the '80s, everyone.
APPLAUSE Hang on.
What? Um, Jayde, what have you got? I hope I've got six.
- You've got six.
OK.
Sean? - Seven.
Yes.
Shit! Um, Jayde, your six? RUBIES - R-U-B-I-E-S.
- Yes.
Sean, your seven? - BRUISED.
- Oh.
- BRUISED.
Seven points to Sean.
APPLAUSE David, Susie, could they have done any better? We've got a seven-letter word, SEABIRD.
SEABIRD was as good as they could do.
Excellent.
At the end of that, Sean and Joe have seven, and Jon and Jayde have 17.
Right Now it's time for Jon and Joe to go head-to-head.
Joe, your turn to pick the numbers.
Um, could I Could I have the normal way? You know, one big one and then five little ones, preferably 100, a 10 and a 1.
LAUGHTER - Well, we One big one.
- Look at what's underneath.
- No.
- LAUGHTER I've picked one of the ones you wanted, - so hopefully you'll be happy with that.
- Well, I'm screwed, then.
- Let's have a look.
4.
- RACHEL: 4.
Your best chance is to get it straight away, then pull his jumper over his head.
7.
6.
And 50.
Oh, f! SEAN: Write 'em down.
- What do you mean, write 'em down? - 127.
Your time starts now.
- SEAN: You haven't got 100, Joe.
There's no 100.
- Oh, yeah.
LAUGHTER MUTTERS: Fucking Oh, for f LAUGHTER - Jon, did you get it? - Yes.
- Joe, did you get it? Er, yeah.
LAUGHTER - Jon, how did you do it? - Very similar to Joe, I imagine.
- Perhaps we do it one stage at a time.
- Go on, then.
- Happy to do it, mate.
I'll start.
- Yes? 3 x - No.
- LAUGHTER Why did you say "I'll start"? LAUGHTER I assumed it started with 3 x 50! What else would you do?! LAUGHTER There's no 100! Well, it's not There's still a chance.
What's 3 x 7? - Keep going, Joe.
What next? - What's 3 x 7? You've already used the 3.
I've used the 3, mate.
4 x 7 4 x 7 = - Er - 28.
- 28.
- Take that off.
Take that off.
Plusthe fiiiiive.
LAUGHTER What numbers haven't we used? - 6 and the 1.
- 6 and 1! 6 - 1! 5! CHEERING APPLAUSE Yes! That happened! Jon, how did you get it? Yeah, I did the same as Joe, and you can't check, so LAUGHTER APPLAUSE OK, ten points to both teams.
Well, time now to go across to Dictionary Corner.
- David, what have you got for us? - Well, I've got something quite interesting.
It's this.
It's called Bills Of Mortality.
These are real things.
They were published every week in London in the 17th century.
And they are lists of what people died of that week in London.
So I'm just going to take you through a couple of weeks of those.
Here's a real one.
"The diseases and casualties this week.
"Abortive - 5.
"Aged - 43.
"Burnt in in his bed by a candle at St Giles, Cripplegate "1.
" Two people died of cough that week.
Quite hard to do that, now, I would say, unless it's a really big retch.
And three people died cos they were frightened.
LAUGHTER "Killed by a fall from the belfry at Alhallows the Great "1.
" Terrible week for the Church, wasn't it? Er, one person died of lethargy.
A person sat around so much that they died.
11 people died of rising of the lights.
They were on the rig at a Metallica gig.
I don't know how that happened.
And one person died "suddenly".
LAUGHTER Here's another week.
One person died of "sore legge".
LAUGHTER Really, that's hard to do.
It's a bad week.
St Giles, Cripplegate, again.
"Scalded in a brewer's mash "at St Giles, Cripplegate.
" Three people died of quinsie, which was a cop show which was on in the '80s.
One person died cos they were "distracted".
- LAUGHTER - "Oi, mate!" "What is it?" Here's the last one I could find of these.
"The diseases and casualties this week" again.
Ten died of cancer, and wolf.
LAUGHTER It's a bad day, isn't it, when you've got cancer, then you get eaten by a wolf? Really! Seven were "overlaid".
That's the way I'd like to go.
And 46 were "kil'd by several accidents".
LAUGHTER They fell off the belfry, they burn in their bed, they were eaten by a wolf.
Finally they fucking die! But my favourite in all of these lists is the one person who managed to die of fucking piles! - LAUGHTER - How is that possible? An enormous pile came out of his arse and suffocated him or what? So there you are.
Bills Of Mortality - this week's Dictionary Corner.
I love it.
David Baddiel, everyone.
APPLAUSE So, the scores at the moment are Sean and Joe are on 17.
Jon and Jayde are on 27.
APPLAUSE And here is your teaser - the words are TUG ON NIP.
The clue is - put your hands where I can see them.
That's TUG ON NIP.
Put your hands where I can see them.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were TUG ON NIP.
The clue was - put your hands where I can see them.
It was, of course, GUNPOINT.
OK, before we go on, a chance for our teams to win some bonus points.
We're going to test their knowledge of unusual words for parts of the human body.
So Jon, Joe, join me at the podium.
Let's play Show Me Where It Hurts.
APPLAUSE OK, I'm going to give you some historical words for body parts.
All you've got to do is tell me where they are by sticking them on Fabio or Raul.
LAUGHTER OK, here's your first word.
If you had a wart on your peerie-weerie, where would it be? There you go, gents - there's the word.
Stick it where you think it would be.
EASY-LISTENING MUSIC OK, Joe, you gone for the thigh.
Jon, you've gone for the eyebrow.
I can tell you it's an old Scottish word for the little finger or the toe, so Nil points.
LAUGHTER So sorry.
Next, gentleman, you're looking for the prat.
LAUGHTER So just pop that on LAUGHTER I've actually attached it to two different bits of it.
- Way off, mate.
- Jon, you've gone for the ankle.
I'm just sort of trying to avoid hair.
OK, and, Joe, you've gone for the Right testicle and tip of the penis.
LAUGHTER I can tell you it's a 16th-century word for the buttock.
Ah, wrong side! Never mind.
OK, next.
If you had a pain in the arse-ropes, show me where it would hurt.
Where are your arse-ropes? Sure, sure.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Jon's gone for the hamstrings.
And Joe's gone for Straight to the anus.
I can tell you arse-ropes are, in fact, the intestines, - so no points there.
- Oh! Last one - so you're looking for the bibble-chunk.
So, if you had a pain in your bibble-chunks, where would that be? What would hurt? Show me where it hurts, boys.
Sure, his hairy neck.
So, Joe's gone for the neck.
Whatever that muscle there is called.
I've never seen one, really.
Well, I can tell you it's a slang term for breasts, so Jon gets the point.
APPLAUSE That means Jon got the most right, so that's five points for Jon's team.
Thanks for playing Show Me Where It Hurts! APPLAUSE OK, on with the game.
Sean and Joe, your turn to choose the letters.
Can I have a consonant, please? R And then a vowel, please.
E Oh, that's good.
And then I'll let young Joe have a bash.
Er, consonant.
- And another one.
- Go on, knock yourself out.
C And I'll have a vowel, please.
- A.
- That's exactly what I would have gone for.
- It's going well.
- And then a consonant.
- Yes - S.
I'll have a vowel.
- No hesitation.
- I.
And a consonant.
P Fuck it.
LAUGHTER - And - I need a certain letter, otherwise I'm out.
And What would you go for at this juncture? I've just seen the consonant.
Is it a T? LAUGHTER Rachel! I'd go for a consonant.
LAUGHTER OK, we'll have the consonant, then.
D That's not a T.
LAUGHTER OK, your time starts now.
- OK, Sean, how many? - Seven.
Seven.
Joe? I've got a - I've got three.
- You've got a three, a safe three.
I'm going to throw it out there.
It's not a word.
You've got a three and it may not be a word.
It's not a word, I know it's not a word.
- Jon, how many did you get? - I'll try an eight.
- Jayde? - Six.
Six, OK.
Joe, your three.
- EDS.
- EDS? As in a few Edwards.
LAUGHTER EDS, as in a few Edwards.
You couldn't have couldn't have names.
Susie Susie's looking.
- No.
- I'm out the game, aren't I? - You're not allowed abbreviations.
OK, Jayde, your six? PEARTS.
P-E-A-R-T-S? Without the S it's an adjective meaning lively or cheerful.
- DAVID: So, peart? - Are you stepping to Jayde? Are you saying, "If you want to throw down a fight I'm"? Are you trying to get a fight, like a fist fight? - Ideally, yeah.
- Oh, OK.
- Ah.
Are you turned on by the idea of Susie fighting? No.
I thought, cos you insult her every week.
- Yeah.
- So if you were, you could just let her have one straight punch to your face.
- Yes.
- Sure.
CHEERING Just a slap, like a big I mean, a slap.
- No, not a slap.
Close the fist.
- Or just push him off something.
If it was a slap I mean, I think a slap's a good idea.
I'm not sure about the whole face element of this.
What aboutwhat about a claw hammer across the knee? LAUGHTER OK, Sean, what's your seven? - ASPIRED.
- Lovely stuff.
SUSIE: Oh, nice.
Very nice.
OK, Jon, your eight? Well, it's CRAPPIEST.
- There's only one P.
- Yes, you need two Ps, definitely.
- Seven points to Sean.
- Yes! - Sean and Joe! - Sean and Joe.
What, sorry? - Sorry.
- No, no, no.
Seven points to Sean and Joe.
LAUGHTER My apologies - seven points to Sean and Joe.
Thank you.
APPLAUSE I'd just like to sayJoe there was saying it's about Sean and Joe, you know, and when we score points we do it together.
And very much Joe was very much assisting me in getting that seven because I knew he'd get fuck all.
LAUGHTER That really gave me the motivation to try.
So I'd like to thank you for that.
- We're a team.
- We're a team.
APPLAUSE David, Susie, could they have done any better? - We've got a nine-letter word.
- Huge, huge.
- Huge.
Which is - PRACTISED.
- Susie Dent, everyone.
Susie Dent.
- APPLAUSE OK, so at the end of that, Jon and Jayde have 32, Sean and Joe have 24.
- Oh! - APPLAUSE OK, time to go across again to Dictionary Corner.
David Baddiel, what have you got for us? I wanted to try a little experiment if that's possible, Jimmy.
- Yeah, excellent.
- Now, like some comedians I sometimes put jokes on Twitter.
Here's a few examples of those.
Here's Vladimir Putin at 14, which is obviously not the joke in itself, but I was moved to retweet that using the words Macaulay Stalin.
LAUGHTER Now, that got these numbers here - I just want to draw your attention - 146 retweets, 214 favourites.
And I think if you're a comedian putting jokes on Twitter, these numbers operate as a kind of virtual laugh - like the bigger the number, the bigger the laugh.
- Right? - Sure.
- That's a kind of medium-sized laugh on Twitter.
It got a kind of medium-sized laugh in the room.
But let's see if we can do any better with this.
This is a picture of Kim Jong-un.
Again, not the joke in itself, but you may remember Kim Jong-un Un went missing a little while back, do you remember that? And when he came back I posted LOUDER LAUGHTER And as you can see, that's got 270 retweets, 237 favourites - a slightly bigger laugh on Twitter, a slightly bigger laugh in the room.
I mean, I should say that most of these jokes are not about dictators, that's just a weird coincidence.
Most of them are just at my own expense.
For example, this one, which This is just a picture of me with Alan Yentob, Salman Rushdie and Alexei Sayle at a book launch.
It hardly needs a caption but I gave it one.
It was LOUDER LAUGHTER You can see the teams squaring up to each other there.
That got 221 retweets, 434 favourites, so we're building the laugh as we go.
So, the one that I did of these kind of jokes that got the most retweets and the most favourites I've ever got on Twitter was a couple of years ago now.
It was when Andy Murray won Wimbledon.
There was this picture of Andy Murray, the first time when he won Wimbledon, with the respective party leaders at the time.
And I just posted that I thought Andy was saying LOUDER LAUGHTER 2,090 retweets, 821 favourites.
The lesson there, really, Jimmy, is keep it simple.
LAUGHTER David Baddiel, everyone.
APPLAUSE And here is your final teaser.
The words are SEX PILOT.
The clue is - ready for adventure.
That's SEX PILOT.
Ready for adventure.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the tease The words were SEXPILOT, the clue was "ready for an adventure.
" It was, of course, EXPLOITS.
OK, time for our final letters game.
John and Jayde, your turn to choose the letters.
I'd like a consonant please, Rachel.
I'd like a vowel, please.
Consonant, please.
I've got a three.
Consonant, please.
Vowel, please.
- Consonant, please.
- Tuple.
Consonant, please.
Vowel, please.
Consonant, please.
OK, and your time starts now.
Rachel.
Go under there.
Have you got it? MACHINE BLEEPS MACHINE WHOOSHES PING 'This is amazing.
I've never felt so comfortable.
'I finally feel like me! 'Goodbye, Jimmy, hello, Gemma.
' 'Why has he got a pair of socks down there?' MACHINE BLEEPS Yeah, that's where the effects budget goes! APPLAUSE - OK, John, how many? - Six.
- Jayde, how many? - Six.
You don't look happy with your six - is it a real six? I don't know whether it's a real word, or it's a word that I say cos I'm Bristolian.
OK.
Joe? I've got a six.
It isn't a word.
Your six isn't a word? - Well, it might be.
- I've got a six that's a word.
OK.
Jayde, what have you got? - PULLER.
- PULLER? BRISTOL ACCENT: "Ere "why don't you puller?" I had LUMPER, as well, which was, "Ere, why don't you lumper?" LUMPER or PULLER - are either of those words? Yeah, PULLER is a word.
- Yes! - It means someone who pulls.
Yes! I smashed it.
I smashed it! You've smashed it, you've absolutely smashed it.
APPLAUSE Joe, your six? - POLLER.
- POLLER.
Hmm That's probably a word - let's just move on.
Er Yes, let's move on.
Aw, crap! John, what was your six? MULLET.
And Sean, your six? - You've got a nice one! - PULLET.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, nice.
OK, so, six points to both teams.
APPLAUSE Er Baddiel and Dent? Oh, yeah, we've got an eight-letter.
It's POLLUTER.
POLLUTER.
So, the scores at the moment, Sean and Joe have 30, John and Jayde have 38.
OK, fingers on buzzers.
Time for today's crucial Countdown Conundrum.
Are you ready? OK, all to play for here.
OK, your time starts now.
LAUGHTER I don't think it is one.
BUZZER I don't think it is one! That's like the numbers - sometimes it don't just add up.
I can tell you that Joe's correct - that isn't a conundrum.
Yeah.
Like the numbers.
What a shame.
OK, I'm going to restart the clock.
- BUZZER - Oh! Oh-ho! - Sean, you got it? - Yeah! - This is a great day.
- OK, Sean's got it.
Sean, it is TES Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! - TES - TES - TESTIMONY! - TESTIMONY! Testimony! - I got that! - Yes! - I got that! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING So, the final scores are, John and Jayde have 38, Sean and Joe are the winners with 40 points.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Congratulations - you're now the proud owner of this - the Countdown Trumpet.
Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience, and to all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us - good night! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Tonight on Eight Out Of Ten Cats Does Countdown Jon Richardson.
Sean Lock.
Joe Wilkinson.
Jayde Adams.
David Baddiel.
Susie Dent.
And Rachel Riley! Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Hello and welcome to Eight Out of Ten Cats Does Countdown, a show about letters, numbers and conundrums.
Did you know, for example, the word pension comes from an old Anglo-Saxon word for rent? Most people don't understand pensions, but they're really simple.
Every Thursday, you put on a grey wig, dress up as your dead nan and collect her money from the Post Office.
40 is the number of minutes a cockroach can hold its breath, which explains why no-one has been able to successfully drown Piers Morgan.
And the Oxford English Dictionary grows by over 4,000 words a year.
No wonder Susie Dent is worn out.
Well, that and the dogging.
Right, let's get started.
OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, Sean Lock.
Thank you.
APPLAUSE Sean Lock is one of Britain's highest profile comedians, and that profile has been built up over the years by Scotland Yard's Serial Killer Task Force.
Joining Sean tonight is Joe Wilkinson! APPLAUSE Joe Wilkinson has only two natural enemies.
Velcro and the nit nurse.
Up against them this evening is Jon Richardson! APPLAUSE Since getting married, Jon says he's learned the true meaning of love, whilst his wife has learned the true meaning of buyer's remorse.
And Jon's team-mate, Jayde Adams.
APPLAUSE As well as being a comedian, Jayde is also an opera singer.
I love opera.
It doesn't matter if you're rolling your eyes at the ceiling, stuffing cotton wool in your ears, or falling to your knees begging for it to stop, opera is the perfect soundtrack.
Right Jon, here's a question for you.
Are you a morning person or a sort of night owl, what would you say? Well, we've just had a baby, so the mornings are horrific.
And so are the nights.
So there's about ten minutes at about midnight that are all right, when I'm just downing that fourth whisky.
My wife goes to bed early.
She goes about half nine and I pretend we don't drink during the week, because she doesn't.
It was becoming an issue in the marriage, so I just pretend I don't as well.
And then she goes to bed around half nine, I get shit-faced as quickly as I can.
Your wife goes to bed at half nine? How boring are you at home? It's more that we have an argument while we're watching telly, cos she don't do it right.
Whoa, I'll stop you there.
What does she not do right? Well, she'll ask me a question while the thing's on.
Write it down and we'll talk after.
What kind of questions? She'll say something like, "Oh, we went to a place like that, didn't we?" And then I have to pause the telly to .
.
ask her what she said cos I didn't hear, which she finds quite passive aggressive.
I want to hear my wife.
I love my wife.
But I also want to hear what the Siddiquis have to say about what they've watched this week.
- Jayde, this is your first time on the show.
- It is.
What do you think you can be better at, letters or numbers? What's your strong suit? Well, I was just practising my mental arithmic up in the dressing room.
So not the letters then? I'm going to be really great at both of them because I'm nothing but enthusiastic about things that I'm not very good at, so It's like me and sex, brilliant.
Jon, can I ask you, are you missing your baby daughter and have you made Jayde dress up as a child? I like to dress like I'm a drag queen or a toddler.
It's weird, you've nailed both.
Thanks! OK.
Sean, tell us something about yourself that people might not know.
Well, OK.
You ready for this? I'm the heir to the Birds Custard fortune.
HE MIMICS EXPLOSION My real name is Sean Birds-Custard.
With a hyphen.
it was too posh, I didn't like it, so I got rid of it.
And I felt a lot of people just were hanging around for the wrong reasons.
I felt like, are these my friends? Or do they just They just want some custard! That's a hard question to ask yourself, when you're 28.
That's the main thing that people don't know about me.
And I was the first person to do that with a baseball cap.
It was my idea.
I was at a keyhole.
And I realised ladies Ladies found it more intimate in lovemaking.
So No, it's a lovely innovation.
And Joe, what have you been up to recently? Er, sitting about.
Anything else, at all? Oh, no, I just love sitting down so much that I actually don't mind getting bad news.
Also, I had to go to a wedding, though.
That was a pain in the arse, wasn't it? - Whose wedding? - I don't know.
A little tip for you, Jimmy.
Never tell a bride with a bit of dog shit on her dress .
.
to chillax.
They get annoyed, especially when they find out it was you who threw it at her.
But, in my defence, we'd run out of confetti.
I had to improvise.
Sean, have you got a mascot? I do, Jimmy.
You know, everyone enjoys a coffee table book.
Something that they can pour over any time they want, you know? - Sure.
- Something special, something beautifully made.
And I've come up with a beautiful coffee table book.
And you know the expression, "Fit as a butcher's dog"? - Yes.
- I thought, what about a baker's dog? So this book's called Fit As A Baker's Dog.
And it features, you know, some dogs who, through the sympathetic look in their eyes, they can wheedle a snack out of the most hard-hearted of owners.
So that's Buttercup.
Oh, here's Trigger.
- It's Trigger.
- Called Trigger.
Now, a lot of people would say that Trigger is fat or obese.
But, no, she just likes big bones.
That's Duke.
JAYDE: Oh, he's great.
Look at him.
Is Duke a dog or a seal? Duke, actually, is a bit of a record holder.
- Really? - He hasn't had a crap for nine months! Ha-ha-ha! And then I thought, well, why not expand the book? That looks like a flamingo that's let itself go.
Oh, here's Poppy.
You wouldn't think carrots could do that to a rabbit.
- Oh, my God.
- Here's Harley.
- Excellent.
The only way he could catch a mouse was if he landed on it.
Can this be the rest of the show? This is my favourite, it's Rusty! And will this be in all good book stores? Every one.
Every single place you could imagine.
Railway stations We're going to also drop them into war zones.
Just to make people go, "Yeah, what are we doing?" - Sean's mascot, everyone.
- Thank you.
APPLAUSE Jon, have you got a mascot? Yes.
It's a coping strategy, really.
Life's very stressful, isn't it? And if you get annoyed as much as I do, by people and the things they do, it's nice to have a way of getting that out, so, at the end of every week, what I do is, I purge myself of all the things that have upset me, - and I thought you could watch me do it, live.
- Oh.
So what you've got to do is, you take the things that have worried you or upset you, and you write them down on a piece of paper and then you get rid of it.
So, this first one is for the woman I kept smiling at on the train.
I was having a good old stare at her, and I thought I knew her, and then I realised that it's just that I saw her when I got on the train .
.
and then when I looked back, I remembered seeing the first time, and I think she thought I was going to kill her, but You justswallow the stress down.
I have given it a physical form.
This is a chewy one.
And this is helping you cope with that? That's gone now.
That's gone.
Ah! This is the uncredited park.
I did a really good reverse park this week and my wife didn't say a fucking thing.
APPLAUSE This one, unfortunately is too toxic to have inside me.
This is carphone guy.
This is a guy on the M5, who I was overtaking, because I drive, like, sometimes 60, 65? I was going past this guy.
I could see he was on his mobile, giving it that.
Dangerous.
Pulled in behind him.
Little flash of the old full beam.
Just let him know I'm there, I know what he's up to.
Go past him thinking, "Are you going to have a phone conversation "with my horn on full blast?" Drive on a bit, realised it's a foreign car, he's just a passenger! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Goodbye, carphone guy.
And he's gone.
- Jayde, have you got a mascot? - I brought a box.
I used to be a freestyle disco dancer.
Yeah, sure, sure.
I was.
I did it for 12 years.
I wasn't great at it.
My sibling was.
But I asked my mum for the box of trophies that I knew she had in the attic, which were basically about 100 ninth place trophies that they gave me to stop me from having a tantrum because I didn't win.
And I asked her for this box, and she said, "All right, I'll send it up.
" So she sent it up and I opened the box, and I'm confused, because there were all these big trophies in there, like, just lots of them, and I don't actually remember winning any of these trophies.
And what it turns out is that my mother has sent me my sibling's trophies of when she won everything and then I asked her what happened to my trophies and she said, "We threw them out.
" Nice.
Joe, have you got a mascot? Yeah.
I've brought one of my collection of Countdown, um, indoor tropical water features.
So there's all of us on here.
Having a nice time.
There's Sean, see Sean there? He's having a lovely time, shouting at a pigeon.
Jon on holiday there.
He's slightly more body conscious than Sean.
So he's wearing a T-shirt with no trousers and pants on.
And that's the only one that's life-sized.
Then, here, we've got me, Susie and Rachel having a lovely time and, as you can see, Rachel's passed out on the back.
She's been drinking all afternoon.
And then, finally, we've got Jimmy here, lounging.
Having a lovely time with his cocktail.
Don't know why he's so happy.
Absolutely no genitals.
And the best bit about it, my favourite bit, is, it's, uh .
.
not actually water.
It's Campari and lemonade.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE A fine water feature.
Beautiful.
OK, over in Dictionary Corner, it's David Baddiel! APPLAUSE David's latest book won an award for Best Laugh Out Loud Book For 9-13-Year-olds.
I mean, it was aimed at adults, but still David, you got two kids.
What kind of a parent are you? I am all right.
I've brought along a picture of my daughter, Dolly.
That's her a few years ago wearing her lovely, cute panda hat.
It's an interesting thing, because people on the telly, they don't normally bring along pictures of their kids because they think the press might get a hold of it and that represents some kind of intrusion.
But I'm more worried the press might get a hold of some pictures of me doing some bad parenting.
For example, forcing Dolly to pull her lovely, cute panda hat over her face and then adjusting her hair, so that she looks like Hitler.
LAUGHTER That is, that is questionable in any household, but in a Jewish household it's, yeah, it's reallyyeah.
Well, that's part of the thrill of it, really.
LAUGHTER It is weird, sometimes, being a bit well-known.
Like, when she was three, she used to call me Daddy, obviously, but she would also sometimes hear people calling me David, so sometimes she'd call me David.
And then once, I was taking her for a walk in the park and she had to go for a wee.
And I went into the men's toilet, I sort of pushed past all these men who were in there, got her into the cubicle.
That's the moment she chose to go, "David Baddiel!" And I could feel all the men outside thinking, "That's not her father!" - OK, and with David of course, it's Susie Dent.
- Susie Dent APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Susie Dent knows the derivations of even the rudest words and phrases.
So, where does cock-gobbler come from? Well, she was born in Woking, but now she lives in Oxford.
That's my fave.
You're always banging that door, aren't you? Are you talking to Susie or me, now? He's never banging on my door, I have to say, thank goodness.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Susie, you often post a word of the day on Twitter.
What's your word for the day? Uh, crimble is quite nice.
Crimble is to cringe into yourself, shrink into yourself, and try to sneak past someone, unnoticed.
And, Jon, one of my favourite words, which we use a lot at home, is a scurryfunge.
- A who now? - Scurryfunge is that manic kind of tidying that you do just before visitors arrive.
But you probably never scurryfunge, do you? No, I never have visitors.
And in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Where would we be without Rachel Riley? We could probably just move the letters board closer to Susie.
It's not like she's rushed off her feet! Rachel, who do you think here would be the best person here to help you survive a zombie apocalypse? Apparently one of the ways you can get rid of them is by pretending to be a zombie so, obviously, Joe.
LAUGHTER I would have been a little hurt if you hadn't chosen me! OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this, the Countdown trumpet! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING TRUMPET PLAYED POORLY LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE OK, let's count down, everyone.
Time for the first game.
Sean and Joe, you get to pick the letters.
Good evening.
May I have a vowel? - You may.
Thank you, Joe.
- Please.
- I.
- The other one, the other one, the longer ones.
- G.
- And then a consonant.
- T.
- And then a vowel, please.
- E.
- Consonant, please.
- S.
- And then an H.
Next to it.
G.
Then a vowel, please.
- I.
- This is horseshit.
- Want me to take over? - Would you mind? OK, watch this.
Consonant, please, Rachel.
- L.
- Oh, much better! And another vowel, please.
RACHEL: And the last one, O.
And for the first time today, here's the Countdown clock! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I've only gone and bloody done a hamstring.
- How many, Jon? - Seven.
- Jayde, how many? - Five.
Sean, how many? - Five.
- Joe? - Tough one.
- Seven.
LAUGHTER Sorry, Joe? Do you want to start at that end? - Jayde, your five.
- I don't even know if it's a word.
- It's OK, Jayde, it's OK - I want it to be a word so badly! What is it? GILTS - GILTS.
- Yeah, that's a word.
- Oh, thank God! Sean, your five? TOILS.
- Jon, your seven? - Are we not going to Joe? - Well, he'll get there.
- I sort of feel it's easier for him to get there, if I give him a run.
Probably is.
What have you got, then? - TOGGLES.
- Oh, that is weird! LAUGHTER TOGGLES! Absolutely mental! How have you spelt it, out of interest? Joe, did you get anything at all? Oh, shut up! I had TILL.
How are you spelling TILL? T-I-L-L.
There's one L, there's one L! That's seven points to Jon! APPLAUSE Baddiel and Dent, could they have done any better? We had TOGGLES as well, and we had a word that describes your inner soul, which was OILIEST.
I'm thrilled you think I have a soul! So, at the end of that, Jon and Jayde are in the lead with seven.
APPLAUSE OK, into our first numbers round.
Jon and Jayde, your turn to pick the numbers.
Can I have three big 'uns and three small 'uns, please? Yes, you can, Jayde.
Whatever you like.
All right.
- Little ones are nine, ten - Uh-oh.
- .
.
and seven, and the big ones, 75, 50, and 25.
Oh, I'm gonna be rubbish.
And the target, 219.
OK, and your time starts now.
- So the target was 219.
Did you get it, Jayde? - No! - What did you get? - I panicked and I just wrote loads of 50s .
.
on the bit of paper.
She has written five 50s down there.
I was in the bottom set for maths at school, so, you know, we've got a couple of other rounds of this, right? Was your sister any good? LAUGHTER APPLAUSE - OK, did you get it, Jon? - I've got it, mate.
You got it.
OK, Sean, did you get it? I got 218.
OK, close.
Joe, I presume you got it.
Yep.
How did you get it, Joe? No, there's no, there's no 15 there.
If you did 25 - 10, does that help? There's no pi! OK, Jon, how do you do it? 75 / 25 - JOE: What? - Is three.
- JON: Times seven.
- Can't use magic, mate.
Times 10.
- RACHEL: 210.
- JON: And add nine.
Is that real? Is that real? APPLAUSE AND CHEERING It's not a real thing.
It's not the real thing.
So the scores at the moment, Sean and Joe are on no points, Jon and Jayde have 17.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING And here's your teaser.
The words are, NOB CURSE, the clue is, you don't have want to be hit by one.
That's NOB CURSE, you don't have want to be hit by one.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were NOB CURSE.
The clue was - you don't want to get hit by one.
It was, of course, BOUNCERS.
So, Jon and Jayde are in the lead.
They've been playing in teams so far.
- But this game is just for Sean and Jayde.
- Yes.
SHE SIGHS So, Jayde, your turn to choose the letters.
Can I have a consonant, please, Rachel? Thank you, Jayde.
D And a vowel.
I And a consonant.
Y And two voweltwo vo-vowels.
U and E.
And then a consonant.
R And then another consonant.
B And a vowel.
A And then a consonant.
And the last one S And your time starts now.
MUSIC: California Gurls by Katy Perry AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG IN TIME TO MUSIC APPLAUSE Where's everyone gone? Oh, for fuck's sake! LAUGHTER It's Pat Sharp off the '80s, everyone.
APPLAUSE Hang on.
What? Um, Jayde, what have you got? I hope I've got six.
- You've got six.
OK.
Sean? - Seven.
Yes.
Shit! Um, Jayde, your six? RUBIES - R-U-B-I-E-S.
- Yes.
Sean, your seven? - BRUISED.
- Oh.
- BRUISED.
Seven points to Sean.
APPLAUSE David, Susie, could they have done any better? We've got a seven-letter word, SEABIRD.
SEABIRD was as good as they could do.
Excellent.
At the end of that, Sean and Joe have seven, and Jon and Jayde have 17.
Right Now it's time for Jon and Joe to go head-to-head.
Joe, your turn to pick the numbers.
Um, could I Could I have the normal way? You know, one big one and then five little ones, preferably 100, a 10 and a 1.
LAUGHTER - Well, we One big one.
- Look at what's underneath.
- No.
- LAUGHTER I've picked one of the ones you wanted, - so hopefully you'll be happy with that.
- Well, I'm screwed, then.
- Let's have a look.
4.
- RACHEL: 4.
Your best chance is to get it straight away, then pull his jumper over his head.
7.
6.
And 50.
Oh, f! SEAN: Write 'em down.
- What do you mean, write 'em down? - 127.
Your time starts now.
- SEAN: You haven't got 100, Joe.
There's no 100.
- Oh, yeah.
LAUGHTER MUTTERS: Fucking Oh, for f LAUGHTER - Jon, did you get it? - Yes.
- Joe, did you get it? Er, yeah.
LAUGHTER - Jon, how did you do it? - Very similar to Joe, I imagine.
- Perhaps we do it one stage at a time.
- Go on, then.
- Happy to do it, mate.
I'll start.
- Yes? 3 x - No.
- LAUGHTER Why did you say "I'll start"? LAUGHTER I assumed it started with 3 x 50! What else would you do?! LAUGHTER There's no 100! Well, it's not There's still a chance.
What's 3 x 7? - Keep going, Joe.
What next? - What's 3 x 7? You've already used the 3.
I've used the 3, mate.
4 x 7 4 x 7 = - Er - 28.
- 28.
- Take that off.
Take that off.
Plusthe fiiiiive.
LAUGHTER What numbers haven't we used? - 6 and the 1.
- 6 and 1! 6 - 1! 5! CHEERING APPLAUSE Yes! That happened! Jon, how did you get it? Yeah, I did the same as Joe, and you can't check, so LAUGHTER APPLAUSE OK, ten points to both teams.
Well, time now to go across to Dictionary Corner.
- David, what have you got for us? - Well, I've got something quite interesting.
It's this.
It's called Bills Of Mortality.
These are real things.
They were published every week in London in the 17th century.
And they are lists of what people died of that week in London.
So I'm just going to take you through a couple of weeks of those.
Here's a real one.
"The diseases and casualties this week.
"Abortive - 5.
"Aged - 43.
"Burnt in in his bed by a candle at St Giles, Cripplegate "1.
" Two people died of cough that week.
Quite hard to do that, now, I would say, unless it's a really big retch.
And three people died cos they were frightened.
LAUGHTER "Killed by a fall from the belfry at Alhallows the Great "1.
" Terrible week for the Church, wasn't it? Er, one person died of lethargy.
A person sat around so much that they died.
11 people died of rising of the lights.
They were on the rig at a Metallica gig.
I don't know how that happened.
And one person died "suddenly".
LAUGHTER Here's another week.
One person died of "sore legge".
LAUGHTER Really, that's hard to do.
It's a bad week.
St Giles, Cripplegate, again.
"Scalded in a brewer's mash "at St Giles, Cripplegate.
" Three people died of quinsie, which was a cop show which was on in the '80s.
One person died cos they were "distracted".
- LAUGHTER - "Oi, mate!" "What is it?" Here's the last one I could find of these.
"The diseases and casualties this week" again.
Ten died of cancer, and wolf.
LAUGHTER It's a bad day, isn't it, when you've got cancer, then you get eaten by a wolf? Really! Seven were "overlaid".
That's the way I'd like to go.
And 46 were "kil'd by several accidents".
LAUGHTER They fell off the belfry, they burn in their bed, they were eaten by a wolf.
Finally they fucking die! But my favourite in all of these lists is the one person who managed to die of fucking piles! - LAUGHTER - How is that possible? An enormous pile came out of his arse and suffocated him or what? So there you are.
Bills Of Mortality - this week's Dictionary Corner.
I love it.
David Baddiel, everyone.
APPLAUSE So, the scores at the moment are Sean and Joe are on 17.
Jon and Jayde are on 27.
APPLAUSE And here is your teaser - the words are TUG ON NIP.
The clue is - put your hands where I can see them.
That's TUG ON NIP.
Put your hands where I can see them.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were TUG ON NIP.
The clue was - put your hands where I can see them.
It was, of course, GUNPOINT.
OK, before we go on, a chance for our teams to win some bonus points.
We're going to test their knowledge of unusual words for parts of the human body.
So Jon, Joe, join me at the podium.
Let's play Show Me Where It Hurts.
APPLAUSE OK, I'm going to give you some historical words for body parts.
All you've got to do is tell me where they are by sticking them on Fabio or Raul.
LAUGHTER OK, here's your first word.
If you had a wart on your peerie-weerie, where would it be? There you go, gents - there's the word.
Stick it where you think it would be.
EASY-LISTENING MUSIC OK, Joe, you gone for the thigh.
Jon, you've gone for the eyebrow.
I can tell you it's an old Scottish word for the little finger or the toe, so Nil points.
LAUGHTER So sorry.
Next, gentleman, you're looking for the prat.
LAUGHTER So just pop that on LAUGHTER I've actually attached it to two different bits of it.
- Way off, mate.
- Jon, you've gone for the ankle.
I'm just sort of trying to avoid hair.
OK, and, Joe, you've gone for the Right testicle and tip of the penis.
LAUGHTER I can tell you it's a 16th-century word for the buttock.
Ah, wrong side! Never mind.
OK, next.
If you had a pain in the arse-ropes, show me where it would hurt.
Where are your arse-ropes? Sure, sure.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Jon's gone for the hamstrings.
And Joe's gone for Straight to the anus.
I can tell you arse-ropes are, in fact, the intestines, - so no points there.
- Oh! Last one - so you're looking for the bibble-chunk.
So, if you had a pain in your bibble-chunks, where would that be? What would hurt? Show me where it hurts, boys.
Sure, his hairy neck.
So, Joe's gone for the neck.
Whatever that muscle there is called.
I've never seen one, really.
Well, I can tell you it's a slang term for breasts, so Jon gets the point.
APPLAUSE That means Jon got the most right, so that's five points for Jon's team.
Thanks for playing Show Me Where It Hurts! APPLAUSE OK, on with the game.
Sean and Joe, your turn to choose the letters.
Can I have a consonant, please? R And then a vowel, please.
E Oh, that's good.
And then I'll let young Joe have a bash.
Er, consonant.
- And another one.
- Go on, knock yourself out.
C And I'll have a vowel, please.
- A.
- That's exactly what I would have gone for.
- It's going well.
- And then a consonant.
- Yes - S.
I'll have a vowel.
- No hesitation.
- I.
And a consonant.
P Fuck it.
LAUGHTER - And - I need a certain letter, otherwise I'm out.
And What would you go for at this juncture? I've just seen the consonant.
Is it a T? LAUGHTER Rachel! I'd go for a consonant.
LAUGHTER OK, we'll have the consonant, then.
D That's not a T.
LAUGHTER OK, your time starts now.
- OK, Sean, how many? - Seven.
Seven.
Joe? I've got a - I've got three.
- You've got a three, a safe three.
I'm going to throw it out there.
It's not a word.
You've got a three and it may not be a word.
It's not a word, I know it's not a word.
- Jon, how many did you get? - I'll try an eight.
- Jayde? - Six.
Six, OK.
Joe, your three.
- EDS.
- EDS? As in a few Edwards.
LAUGHTER EDS, as in a few Edwards.
You couldn't have couldn't have names.
Susie Susie's looking.
- No.
- I'm out the game, aren't I? - You're not allowed abbreviations.
OK, Jayde, your six? PEARTS.
P-E-A-R-T-S? Without the S it's an adjective meaning lively or cheerful.
- DAVID: So, peart? - Are you stepping to Jayde? Are you saying, "If you want to throw down a fight I'm"? Are you trying to get a fight, like a fist fight? - Ideally, yeah.
- Oh, OK.
- Ah.
Are you turned on by the idea of Susie fighting? No.
I thought, cos you insult her every week.
- Yeah.
- So if you were, you could just let her have one straight punch to your face.
- Yes.
- Sure.
CHEERING Just a slap, like a big I mean, a slap.
- No, not a slap.
Close the fist.
- Or just push him off something.
If it was a slap I mean, I think a slap's a good idea.
I'm not sure about the whole face element of this.
What aboutwhat about a claw hammer across the knee? LAUGHTER OK, Sean, what's your seven? - ASPIRED.
- Lovely stuff.
SUSIE: Oh, nice.
Very nice.
OK, Jon, your eight? Well, it's CRAPPIEST.
- There's only one P.
- Yes, you need two Ps, definitely.
- Seven points to Sean.
- Yes! - Sean and Joe! - Sean and Joe.
What, sorry? - Sorry.
- No, no, no.
Seven points to Sean and Joe.
LAUGHTER My apologies - seven points to Sean and Joe.
Thank you.
APPLAUSE I'd just like to sayJoe there was saying it's about Sean and Joe, you know, and when we score points we do it together.
And very much Joe was very much assisting me in getting that seven because I knew he'd get fuck all.
LAUGHTER That really gave me the motivation to try.
So I'd like to thank you for that.
- We're a team.
- We're a team.
APPLAUSE David, Susie, could they have done any better? - We've got a nine-letter word.
- Huge, huge.
- Huge.
Which is - PRACTISED.
- Susie Dent, everyone.
Susie Dent.
- APPLAUSE OK, so at the end of that, Jon and Jayde have 32, Sean and Joe have 24.
- Oh! - APPLAUSE OK, time to go across again to Dictionary Corner.
David Baddiel, what have you got for us? I wanted to try a little experiment if that's possible, Jimmy.
- Yeah, excellent.
- Now, like some comedians I sometimes put jokes on Twitter.
Here's a few examples of those.
Here's Vladimir Putin at 14, which is obviously not the joke in itself, but I was moved to retweet that using the words Macaulay Stalin.
LAUGHTER Now, that got these numbers here - I just want to draw your attention - 146 retweets, 214 favourites.
And I think if you're a comedian putting jokes on Twitter, these numbers operate as a kind of virtual laugh - like the bigger the number, the bigger the laugh.
- Right? - Sure.
- That's a kind of medium-sized laugh on Twitter.
It got a kind of medium-sized laugh in the room.
But let's see if we can do any better with this.
This is a picture of Kim Jong-un.
Again, not the joke in itself, but you may remember Kim Jong-un Un went missing a little while back, do you remember that? And when he came back I posted LOUDER LAUGHTER And as you can see, that's got 270 retweets, 237 favourites - a slightly bigger laugh on Twitter, a slightly bigger laugh in the room.
I mean, I should say that most of these jokes are not about dictators, that's just a weird coincidence.
Most of them are just at my own expense.
For example, this one, which This is just a picture of me with Alan Yentob, Salman Rushdie and Alexei Sayle at a book launch.
It hardly needs a caption but I gave it one.
It was LOUDER LAUGHTER You can see the teams squaring up to each other there.
That got 221 retweets, 434 favourites, so we're building the laugh as we go.
So, the one that I did of these kind of jokes that got the most retweets and the most favourites I've ever got on Twitter was a couple of years ago now.
It was when Andy Murray won Wimbledon.
There was this picture of Andy Murray, the first time when he won Wimbledon, with the respective party leaders at the time.
And I just posted that I thought Andy was saying LOUDER LAUGHTER 2,090 retweets, 821 favourites.
The lesson there, really, Jimmy, is keep it simple.
LAUGHTER David Baddiel, everyone.
APPLAUSE And here is your final teaser.
The words are SEX PILOT.
The clue is - ready for adventure.
That's SEX PILOT.
Ready for adventure.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the tease The words were SEXPILOT, the clue was "ready for an adventure.
" It was, of course, EXPLOITS.
OK, time for our final letters game.
John and Jayde, your turn to choose the letters.
I'd like a consonant please, Rachel.
I'd like a vowel, please.
Consonant, please.
I've got a three.
Consonant, please.
Vowel, please.
- Consonant, please.
- Tuple.
Consonant, please.
Vowel, please.
Consonant, please.
OK, and your time starts now.
Rachel.
Go under there.
Have you got it? MACHINE BLEEPS MACHINE WHOOSHES PING 'This is amazing.
I've never felt so comfortable.
'I finally feel like me! 'Goodbye, Jimmy, hello, Gemma.
' 'Why has he got a pair of socks down there?' MACHINE BLEEPS Yeah, that's where the effects budget goes! APPLAUSE - OK, John, how many? - Six.
- Jayde, how many? - Six.
You don't look happy with your six - is it a real six? I don't know whether it's a real word, or it's a word that I say cos I'm Bristolian.
OK.
Joe? I've got a six.
It isn't a word.
Your six isn't a word? - Well, it might be.
- I've got a six that's a word.
OK.
Jayde, what have you got? - PULLER.
- PULLER? BRISTOL ACCENT: "Ere "why don't you puller?" I had LUMPER, as well, which was, "Ere, why don't you lumper?" LUMPER or PULLER - are either of those words? Yeah, PULLER is a word.
- Yes! - It means someone who pulls.
Yes! I smashed it.
I smashed it! You've smashed it, you've absolutely smashed it.
APPLAUSE Joe, your six? - POLLER.
- POLLER.
Hmm That's probably a word - let's just move on.
Er Yes, let's move on.
Aw, crap! John, what was your six? MULLET.
And Sean, your six? - You've got a nice one! - PULLET.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, nice.
OK, so, six points to both teams.
APPLAUSE Er Baddiel and Dent? Oh, yeah, we've got an eight-letter.
It's POLLUTER.
POLLUTER.
So, the scores at the moment, Sean and Joe have 30, John and Jayde have 38.
OK, fingers on buzzers.
Time for today's crucial Countdown Conundrum.
Are you ready? OK, all to play for here.
OK, your time starts now.
LAUGHTER I don't think it is one.
BUZZER I don't think it is one! That's like the numbers - sometimes it don't just add up.
I can tell you that Joe's correct - that isn't a conundrum.
Yeah.
Like the numbers.
What a shame.
OK, I'm going to restart the clock.
- BUZZER - Oh! Oh-ho! - Sean, you got it? - Yeah! - This is a great day.
- OK, Sean's got it.
Sean, it is TES Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! - TES - TES - TESTIMONY! - TESTIMONY! Testimony! - I got that! - Yes! - I got that! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING So, the final scores are, John and Jayde have 38, Sean and Joe are the winners with 40 points.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Congratulations - you're now the proud owner of this - the Countdown Trumpet.
Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience, and to all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us - good night! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE