Live at The Apollo (2004) s10e04 Episode Script
Jon Richardson, Sara Pascoe, Nathan Caton
1 Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Jon Richardson! Hello there! Greetings, Apollo.
Are you well? Yeah! Good.
Thank you for coming.
I hope you enjoy yourselves.
So, who's around? We have musicians here.
We have Lee Ryan is here from Blue.
How are you? Good.
I'm all right.
And Tinchy Stryder is here as well, isn't he? There he is.
The sunglasses on indoors, you cool sod.
Trendy.
Took your hat off, I appreciate that.
I'm into, uh I'm into a sort of type of music.
I don't know if you guys know it, it's sort of sub, urban music.
Uh suburban music, we call it.
Pretty cool shit.
I've got a new single coming out called It's Like That, but we can have it changed if you're not satisfied.
Rachel's here.
Hello, how are you? Rachel does the numbers on Cats Does Countdown because we can't let Jimmy do them, can we? All come out the same, wouldn't they? Anyway, thank you all for coming.
I hope you have a wonderful evening.
But not too good, er, cos Britain's the only country you sort of have to quantify that because in most countries, when you say, "Have a good time," people mean enjoy the thing we're doing, but in Britain that means, "Drink until you're sick in the morning.
" There's a really unique approach to fun we have where, if you don't remember it while you're puking into a toilet, then you might as well have not done it, to be honest.
I like this time of year.
This is the time of year I like because the drinking sort of tempers now.
Cos we're getting to winter now, it's getting dark.
People don't go out in winter, do they? They stay in and eat stew, and they cry.
I like that.
In summer I really struggle.
What happens in summer is people go out and they do stuff and they have opinions on it.
Tends to piss me off a little bit, that kind of thing.
I live in London now.
What happens is everybody goes to the river.
We all accumulate on the river when it's sunny.
There was a day last summer everybody e-mailed each other Monday morning and went "'Ere, mate, you seen the burty bevver?" Don't know the rhyming slang for 'weather', I haven't checked.
It's close enough, isn't it? "Burty Bevver, played for West Ham, 30 goals.
Legend!" "Yeah, yeah, I seen it, mate.
"Sunshine, innit? Funshine, do it up the bumshine.
Wehay!" "You coming down the river Friday night, mate, 5pm?" "Yeah, I'll see you there at 4, mate.
" "Work through lunch, 4pm.
" Yeah, nice one.
See you.
" "Apples and bananas, two for £1, Wehay!" Successfully e-mailed.
This e-mail went across London, I don't know how they did it.
You must be able to put into the e-mail address bar, "Everyone at desks.
" Swept London.
So they all congregated Friday night at the river, but the last line of this e-mail was, "PS, don't tell Jon.
" Uh Went to my gig, didn't I? Nobody turned up.
They were at the river.
But that doesn't stop me quite happily shouting to an empty room about myself for two hours, spitting bile onto empty chairs.
Come out to Waterloo about 11 o'clock to get home and just have never seen carnage like it.
I've seen drunk people, I've never seen a whole city shit-faced before.
And you know everyone's drunk because there are no two people together.
No-one can coordinate to walk alongside one other person.
Veering off individuals, grown men just smashing into train station walls cos they've seen Harry Potter and they know that one of them doosh! Doosh! One will open up to that magical world where there's that girl where she's not old enough in the films but she is now, so it doesn't count.
Doosh! People's limbs have stopped working, they're just dragging themselves across the floor, hoovering up chips.
The biggest problem I had is No-one has left the city all day, no-one's left London.
So this train now that's about to leave is heaving in a way that I've only ever seen in documentaries set in the third world, you know.
I realised there was one train left.
I thought, if I don't get on that, that's it.
When they announce the platform, I've got to be the first there.
I've got a good chance, cos when they announce it, I'm the only one here who can still read.
So they announce the platform.
Not only do I get to the train, I'm the first one there for the whole train, which means I get my choice of every seat on a train, which would freak many out, they don't know which one they want.
I know exactly what seat I want.
I want two together but I don't want someone to sit next to me.
I don't want to put my bag on the seat, I'm too much of a coward.
When you put your bag on the seat, eventually someone comes and goes, "Excuse me, could you move that, please? Yes, yes.
"Thought you could have this, but I'm here now, the alpha, "so you can just My seat.
"I'm just going to touch you with that leg as well, how's that? "That's my arm rest, you get off, I'm having that one.
"You have that shitty little half one there under the window, "that's yours.
" So I'd just picked the two worst seats on the train.
Think, "That'll do me, the two seats that nobody else will want.
" What you do - you walk along the train until they've joined two together but there's no divide.
So all these people are stuck in this bit.
Go in this door here, don't go on forward with your momentum, just pivot round like that and there's a little pouch of seats here that nobody notices.
And look for the table here.
Don't sit at the table, everybody wants the table.
Sit just behind the table.
People see the table's free, they move on.
There's two seats here facing backwards.
Most people don't like to face backwards, makes them feel sick.
Sit by the window so people assume there's someone there, too.
"Yeah, go on, keep walking, mate.
This is mine.
" Got on my seat.
I thought, "I've nailed this.
" Curled myself up into a little ball of self-righteousness.
Stone-cold sober, hating it.
People get on the train, drunk, enjoying themselves, winding me up.
Right.
Just before we pull out of the station, something hits the back of my chair.
It's definitely a human head.
I can tell by the weight of it and the sound.
It's just a girl who's just boosh - passed out.
Can't move anymore.
I think, how did she even get on the train? I can't look round to find out cos I'll make eye contact with someone and they'll think I want to talk.
"Oh, you got a face.
"I've got a face, mate.
I was born in Bermondsey, actually.
" Oh, Jesus.
Just sit there, curled up.
Luckily, I find out what's happened because a man announces the history of the evening to us all.
A big South African businessman, he is.
He's carried her onto the train, right.
He's not getting this train, so he needs someone to help her off it, which, for me, all he needs to do is tap these two people here, doesn't he? "Could you help this woman off the train, please? "I don't know if you can see that, but she's absolutely annihilated.
"I'm not actually going to help, I'm leaving now.
She's yours.
"OK, take care.
Cheerio now.
B'bye.
" He doesn't do that cos he realises if he announces to the carriage what he's done, we'll think, "He's carried a lady onto the train, what a fine gentlemen.
"I shall applaud him and carry him wherever he's going.
" So instead, he shouts to all of us, "Somebody's got to help this woman off the train, please.
"I've carried her as far as I can, but I can do no more! "What a world, what a world.
" Born in South Africa, he's travelled.
Very accurate that was.
Anyway, I hated him.
He's the first individual I take time out to hate.
And I'm good at hate, it's my skill.
The two people here, I hate them cos they bailed him out.
They went, "Oh, that's OK, we'll get her off the train.
" I hated them just for getting involved.
And also because they're drunk as well.
What's happened is they're drunk, but she's more drunk, so they've sobered up.
"Oh, is she drunk, is she? "Don't worry, we only had the 12 Jagerbombs, you see, so, "we'll take care of this.
"Do be careful there, I pissed there a little bit, OK?" Here's how good I am at hate as well.
At the same time as I'm hating them for getting involved, I'm simultaneously hating everyone else for not getting involved.
That's really top level hatred, that is.
"There's a woman in distress here and you did nothing, "this country's gone to the dogs.
" He gets off the train, I start to calm myself down, we're rattling along, five minutes into the journey and I'm almost back at base-level hatred, which is still quite high.
And I hear the noise from behind me of a sort of semi-thick liquid hitting the floor from about three or four feet.
I think, "She's never having a can of soup?" That's a bold snack for a train, that, isn't it? Heinz big soup, I would say, from the sound of that.
It's not that, is it? She's just chundered.
She's chundered.
"Blergh!" She wakes up chundering on a train she doesn't remember getting on, which is obviously upsetting, so she starts crying.
The crying causes her stomach to convulse, which makes her sick again.
So it's a perfect little sandwich of misery going on behind me there.
"Bleeergh! "Bleeergh!" What that does, of course, is rocket her up the league to my most hated person on the train.
Relegation zone to Champions League overnight.
Unbelievable form, right.
And the reason I hate her is because all I wanted was this seat and now I've got to move, because sick is coming under the thing.
Urgh! On my bag and my shoes.
And I start looking around at people.
I think, this is ridiculous now! Modern Britain - you can't even get on a train without getting someone else's insides on you.
I just want someone to look at me and go, "I know, mate, what a country.
" Nobody does.
They're all looking at me angry cos they're as drunk as she is and they think I'm elevating myself out of this situation.
I can see them looking at me going "Ooh, look at Mr Clean Shoes.
Hic!" "Mr La-di-da's too good to have our sick all over him, is he?" "He was sick on me, mate, I didn't move.
"I just pissed on him a little bit.
" I realised it's all of us, everyone in the country is this pissed at the moment.
That's Bad enough for me, I live here.
I knew the signs.
If I hadn't had a gig, I'd be as drunk as everyone else.
But somewhere on this train is a nice little Spanish family.
A nice little Spanish family come to Europe on their summer holidays cos they've seen the Olympics.
"Yeah, let's go to London.
" Cos we told them, didn't we? "Come to London.
We wear matching tracksuits and help each other.
"Do come, do come.
" Now they're seeing the truth.
This is London.
Now, they're on this train terrified.
They booked the tickets ages ago, gave them to the kids at Christmas.
"Here you go, Javier, here is your Christmas present.
" Perfectly serviceable Spanish accent, I ain't changing it.
Just cos you Just cos you are frightened by performance.
You've put me out of character now.
Hang on, I need to get back in.
'Eeh, nachos!' Right, I'm back.
Don't let me lose the rhythm, don't let me lose the rhythm.
"Here you go, Javier, here is your Christmas present.
" "Oh, what is it?! What is it?!" "Yeah, he-he "I'm going to tell you when I stop laughing at your voice.
"This summer, we're going on our holidays to London town!" "London town!" "That's right, London town.
But when we get there, "please don't speak out loud because people will laugh in your face.
" "London town!" "London 2012 Olympic, London!" "London 2012 Olympic, London, "but we going there in 2013 because it's cheaper.
"Booked us an apartment.
It's on the edge of the city, "so every day we wake up, we have some breakfast, "we get the train into town, we go to Buckingham Palace, "we watch a show, you can stay up late every night "and we get the last train back to the apartment "in the city of London!" "Fucking Lo" "Don't swear.
" They're on this train now, seeing for the first time what London is really like.
They're going to go back and their friends will say "How was your holiday in London?" - They're going to say - "Let me tell you ".
.
something about London.
"You get the train in London, Jesus Christ.
"You get the train in London, everybody is puking "and shitting and crying.
" "Urgh, puke you! "Don't worry, you puke me, mate, I piss you! "You have to swim out of the train!" Their friends are going to say, "Jesus, why was everyone so drunk? Was it a festival or something?" They're going to go, "No, it was the sunshine come out!" There we go, consider yourselves satirised.
Are you excited for a great evening? Yes, good.
It's time to welcome our first guest.
You couldn't be in better hands.
Please, go wild and crazy.
Welcome to the stage the wonderful Sara Pascoe! Hello! Hello.
Thank you for having me, Hammersmith.
I love it.
What a beautiful building and what a beautiful place.
I live in Lewisham, which is brilliant.
Yeah, whoo, Lewisham.
If you haven't been there, just go southeast from here until you start getting scared, and then you've arrived.
It's brilliant.
The reason I moved to Lewisham - I'd never been there.
I took the first flat I found on the internet when I was moving in with my boyfriend.
I've been with my boyfriend for 11 months, so I'm still in that lovely bit where you cry all the time.
And, um We moved in together after two months, so I'm aware it was very quick.
It was very early in our relationship.
But I just couldn't bear waking up without him in the morning and he couldn't afford his rent.
And, erm So it's romantic.
I really wish I could show him to you cos he has the best body shape that a man can have.
I don't know if you've ever seen a man like this.
He's got very thin arms and legs, very thin, and then, in the middle, a massive belly.
It's so nice, it's a combination.
He's got bad posture and he eats terribly, like all carbohydraty sugary things.
I tell him all the time how much I love that belly and he thinks it's because I don't want him to get insecure, but it's not, it's cos I'm pretending he's having our child.
I love it.
I love to stroke it all the time, and say, "Have another biscuit!" It's so nice.
Now, when you're in a new relationship You've all had this experience, it's very exciting for everyone around you.
So people always ask, "Ooh, how's it going?" And it's such a difficult question to answer.
Like, how are you supposed to actually describe the feeling of being in love using language? It, er It doesn't come anywhere near the truth.
At the beginning, I used to attempt to use analogies.
So people would say, "Ooh, how's it going?" And I would say, "Oh, it's like I've always been a plant "but I used to be in a garden centre or a supermarket on a shelf "and now I'm in the garden.
" And, um, you can't say that to people.
I've learned that.
Now what happens is people go, "How's it going?" And I say, "Fine.
" And, erm But then my friend the other day, she said, "Well, you don't seem very happy.
" And I said, "Yeah, that's cos I'm not with him, I'm here with you.
" And Apparently, that's very rude.
And my friend really told me off.
She said, "Actually, Sara, "it's very important that you stay in contact with your friends.
" "But why? I've got him now.
" And then she said, "Well, what about if you break up?" "But if we break up, then I'll kill myself, so I still don't need you.
" And we live in a society that considers any relationship that doesn't last until your death a failure.
That's what really concerns me.
At the start with my boyfriend, I realised how happy I was.
I started worrying that we would break up one day cos all of my previous relationships have finished and I don't want that to happen.
And what I found out is you shouldn't worry about the ending at the beginning, it ruins everything and it's illogical.
It's like giving birth to a baby dressed as the grim reaper.
It's like turning up at a job interview and going, "Oh, what's the point? If you don't sack me, I'll quit.
" So I was thinking about other couples.
I thought a lot about Adam and Eve, cos they, of course, were the original couple.
And sure, at the beginning, it's all magical.
It's all staying up late, counting each other's ribs and laughing.
But, over time, the magic fades.
He's boring, she's off talking to wildlife and comfort eating.
And then their landlord kicks them out, one of their kids kills the other one.
And if they can't make it work in Paradise, what chance have I got in Lewisham? We don't have a lot of problems.
It is early days.
The two things we have Me and my boyfriend, we always have a row when I'm getting dressed because he thinks it takes too long.
He doesn't understand that I have to try on all of my trousers because some of my trousers are liars and they lie about the shape and size of my legs.
And different trousers lie on different days, so I never know who's going to be doing it and I have to try them all on.
And I don't known who's behind it, if it's NATO or the Illuminati, but they're trying to slow me down.
And the other thing, I don't like leaving him alone on the house because I'm worried he's having sex with somebody that he thinks is me.
Yes.
My worry is I've got a doppelganger, someone who looks exactly like me, and he's doing it with her.
The reason is, apart from the start where it was passionate, I don't think that we have enough sex anymore, but he says that we have plenty.
Which makes me think he must be having it with someone he thinks is me when I'm not at home.
And that's annoying on two levels.
Like, number one - he's cheating on me behind my back, and number two - I'm not allowed to have a go at him about it because he thought it was me.
I mean, what if she said she was me? That is the kind of thing I would say.
Now I'm being flippant about something.
It's a very serious subject.
I hope you've never had this experience, but if you're the one in the relationship who wants to have sex more than the other person and you get rejected all the time, what you end up with is sexual frustration.
And that, it's just such a horrible thing.
It's a vicious cycle, it's game over, because you can't seduce anybody once you're sexually frustrated, when you need it most.
You can't encourage someone to do it with you by crying with rage.
It doesn't change their mind.
And I've tried talking about it both on stage and to his mum and Yeah, for some reason, it's not helping.
I can't to my mum about it.
My mum's brilliant and I love her and respect her, but she gives bad advice, especially about sex.
My mum was brought up Catholic.
She thought that was very oppressive, and she tried to liberate me and my sisters by giving us all of the information, OK? Too much information.
When I was 11, before I started secondary school, my mum gave me a lecture about cunnilingus.
Hmm, in preparation for secondary school.
My mum told me what it was and then she said that whenever I went to bed with a boy, I was to insist that he do this as a mark of respect.
Now, I look back as an adult and I think, "Oh, I can see what my mum was trying to do, "she obviously wanted to empower me to find my own pleasure.
" It had the exact opposite effect, it ruins everything.
There is no way you can enjoy yourself with a man between your legs if you're thinking "Hmm, Mum'd be proud.
" Very similar kind of age, I still would have been in the first year at school, so about 11.
I must have heard somebody using the word twat.
I must have picked it up because, in a row with my mum, I called her a twat.
She was very angry but also calm.
And she stopped me.
She said, "That is a very ugly word "but a very beautiful part of the female anatomy.
" And then she drew me a very, very detailed vagina as a demonstration of her point.
So obviously what happened was, the next day at school, I heard somebody calling somebody a twat, and I marched over and said, "No, actually, it's a very ugly word "but a very beautiful part of the female anatomy.
" And I drew them a very, very detailed vagina.
So, subsequently, at school for five years I was known as a raving and predatory lesbian.
Of course, we were children.
We had no idea what a lesbian was, but it was probably the girl surrounded by self-drawn genitalia, pushing it on people all the time.
And I would argue that it is better to be called a twat than Leonardo Da Minge-y.
Thank you so much for having me.
Enjoy the rest of your night.
Bye-bye.
Sara Pascoe! Are you ready for our final act of the evening? Whoo! Please go wild and crazy for the wonderful Mr Nathan Caton.
Hello, hello, hello.
Evening, guys.
You guys all right? Yeah! Good.
Allow me to introduce myself.
My name is Nathan Caton.
Um, I live at home with my mum still.
Thank you for that judgmental silence.
It's not all bad.
There are some good things about living at home, like, um The best thing for me is my neighbour.
I've got the best next-door neighbour in the world.
So, an old lady called Mrs Bishop.
Lovely, sweet old lady, but she's overly PC when it comes to race.
She's petrified of appearing racist, right.
So much so that whenever she talks to me or my family, she never says the word black.
Instead, she says urban.
She'll say something like, "Oh, Nathan, Nathan.
"Um, do you know the little, um, the little urban kid from Number 5? "You know with the big, urban hair? You've seen him, right?" Mrs Bishop, you don't have to do that, man.
That's dumb on so many levels.
I'm mean, like, firstly, urban is not an adequate replacement for black, right? Urban's a city, anyone can be urban.
Two - the word black, it's not racist, it's a colour.
I'm not going to get offended over a colour.
I'm a human being, not a bull.
And three - even if the word black was racist, I still wouldn't be offended if you said it cos you're black, too.
Spit it out, what's wrong with you? I'm immature.
I know I'm immature.
I get told all the time I'm immature.
I think the big reason why I'm so immature is It's cos of my mates, right.
A lot of my mates who I hang with, they're very immature.
Like, um My mate Paul, he's a prime example of how immature we are, right.
My mate Paul, he's, um He's what I like to call a bit of a lad, which is basically a man's way of saying, "He's a bellend, but he's my mate.
" That's what a lad is, innit? Like, he's a dickhead, but I've known him for too long to get rid of him, right? Paul, he's a typical lad.
He does lad things.
Lads say things that are maybe racist, sexist, misogynistic or homophobic, and then they always justify it by going, "Banter, innit? Banter, innit? "Bants, bants, bants, bants, bants," like a proper dickhead.
Paul does it all the time.
I remember one time England were playing Poland, it was a World Cup qualifier.
And what happened was the FA allocated 18,000 tickets to the Poland fans, which is like double the normal amount.
Um, Paul found out and he was like, "Yeah, bruv, that's cool.
"If the FA want to let 18,000 Polish people into Wembley Stadium, "it's the least they could do.
"After all, they probably built the place, innit? "Ha-ha-ha.
Banter, innit, bruv? Banter, innit, yeah? "Bants, man.
Bants, bants, bants, bants.
" "Shut up, you idiot.
" That's dumb.
I mean, firstly that's a lazy stereotype.
Not all Polish people are builders.
Secondly, Wembley Stadium was £75 million over budget and four years behind schedule.
That's got British builders written all over it.
If you're going to be racist, just be accurate.
That's one thing that annoys me more than racism itself - lazy, sloppy racism.
Not saying that there's good parts of racism, but lazy, sloppy racism really gets on my nerves, right.
I'll give you an example of what I mean, a story which happened during the summer.
Um, there's a black football player called Dani Alves.
He plays for Barcelona.
Now, he was playing one game and during the match, a fan from the crowd chucked a banana at him.
Just random - pow.
Right.
Dani Alves is quite cool, didn't let it get to him.
Picked up the banana, ate it, chucked away the skin, right.
Now, when it happened, some of my white friends were asking me how I felt.
Cos that's what happens every time there a story in the news that's linked to black people.
I don't know why.
It always happens.
Any time.
Like, um, end of 2013, three of my white friends text me the same thing, going, "Hey, bruv, I heard about Mandela.
Are you OK?" Piss off, man.
Sorry, I've gone off point.
I was talking about Dani Alves, the black football player who had a banana chucked at him, right.
As I said, after it happened, my white friends - not being racist - just casually were asking me how I felt.
Now, how I felt was I was offended, but not for the reason that they thought I'd be offended.
I wasn't offended because it was racist, I was offended because of how it was racist, you know.
The guy chucked a banana.
Really? A banana? What kind of lazy, boring, uncreative racism is that, man? It's not the 18th century, it's the 21st century.
Black people, we've moved on.
We like other things now, you know.
Chuck a Nando's menu, man! A banana, that's not racism, that's potassium.
I'm not offended by that.
Up your game, bellend.
What's wrong with you? Love sports, man.
I'm a massive sports fan.
Me and my mates, always arguing about sports, always arguing about stuff.
We got into an argument me and one of my mates in particular.
We got into a argument at the start of the year.
A former football player, he came out in the news, right, to reveal that he's gay.
Now, that's cool.
Fair credit to him for coming out, that's all good.
However, at the same time, I can't help but think, "Why is it someone famous revealing that they're gay "is still seen as a headline?" You know, it shouldn't be a headline to be gay in today's day and age.
So what? That shouldn't be a headline.
It's like, OK, it's cool, you're gay.
What do you want, a cookie? Oh, a cock, knock yourself out.
Go for it, right.
No big deal, right.
But the weird thing was, after that player came out, I was talking to a mate of mine who is gay.
Cos that's what happens every time there's a story in the news that's linked to gay people.
I was asking him how gay people felt as a whole, right.
I was saying I was like, "Bruv, I don't get it.
"Why is it a big deal to be gay in today's day and age? "It's not a taboo, it's normal, it's accepted.
It's cool, right.
" But then my mate, he was like, "Nathan, let me stop you there, OK? "Um, yes, I hear what you mean.
The world is more tolerant, "it's more liberal.
Yeah, I get that.
"But, trust me, if someone famous comes out, "it's still a big issue, innit? "Cos gay people, we're still seen as a minority, you know.
"Like you being black, for example.
" No, it's not.
Like, when I was 17, 18 years old, I didn't have to gather my family together.
"Mum, Grandma ".
.
um, I've got something to tell you guys, yeah? "Uh, Mum, remember the other day when you came in my room "and, um, I was reading the Nando's menu and you asked me why? "Remember that? "And, um, Grandma, remember last weekend "when I picked you up and I was half an hour late for no reason.
Remember that, yeah? "Well, basically, it's because I'm, um "It's, um, because I'm" "What, boy, what? What you is? What you is?" "It's cos I'm" "No! "In my house? You is? You is?" "Yeah, I'm urban.
" You guys have been cool.
I've been Nathan Caton.
Thank you, cheers.
Nathan Caton! - Have you had a good time? - Yeah! Thank you for coming.
Ladies and gentlemen, tonight you've seen Sara Pascoe.
Nathan Caton.
And from myself, Jon Richardson, see you again soon.
Take care.
Good night.
Bye-bye!
Are you well? Yeah! Good.
Thank you for coming.
I hope you enjoy yourselves.
So, who's around? We have musicians here.
We have Lee Ryan is here from Blue.
How are you? Good.
I'm all right.
And Tinchy Stryder is here as well, isn't he? There he is.
The sunglasses on indoors, you cool sod.
Trendy.
Took your hat off, I appreciate that.
I'm into, uh I'm into a sort of type of music.
I don't know if you guys know it, it's sort of sub, urban music.
Uh suburban music, we call it.
Pretty cool shit.
I've got a new single coming out called It's Like That, but we can have it changed if you're not satisfied.
Rachel's here.
Hello, how are you? Rachel does the numbers on Cats Does Countdown because we can't let Jimmy do them, can we? All come out the same, wouldn't they? Anyway, thank you all for coming.
I hope you have a wonderful evening.
But not too good, er, cos Britain's the only country you sort of have to quantify that because in most countries, when you say, "Have a good time," people mean enjoy the thing we're doing, but in Britain that means, "Drink until you're sick in the morning.
" There's a really unique approach to fun we have where, if you don't remember it while you're puking into a toilet, then you might as well have not done it, to be honest.
I like this time of year.
This is the time of year I like because the drinking sort of tempers now.
Cos we're getting to winter now, it's getting dark.
People don't go out in winter, do they? They stay in and eat stew, and they cry.
I like that.
In summer I really struggle.
What happens in summer is people go out and they do stuff and they have opinions on it.
Tends to piss me off a little bit, that kind of thing.
I live in London now.
What happens is everybody goes to the river.
We all accumulate on the river when it's sunny.
There was a day last summer everybody e-mailed each other Monday morning and went "'Ere, mate, you seen the burty bevver?" Don't know the rhyming slang for 'weather', I haven't checked.
It's close enough, isn't it? "Burty Bevver, played for West Ham, 30 goals.
Legend!" "Yeah, yeah, I seen it, mate.
"Sunshine, innit? Funshine, do it up the bumshine.
Wehay!" "You coming down the river Friday night, mate, 5pm?" "Yeah, I'll see you there at 4, mate.
" "Work through lunch, 4pm.
" Yeah, nice one.
See you.
" "Apples and bananas, two for £1, Wehay!" Successfully e-mailed.
This e-mail went across London, I don't know how they did it.
You must be able to put into the e-mail address bar, "Everyone at desks.
" Swept London.
So they all congregated Friday night at the river, but the last line of this e-mail was, "PS, don't tell Jon.
" Uh Went to my gig, didn't I? Nobody turned up.
They were at the river.
But that doesn't stop me quite happily shouting to an empty room about myself for two hours, spitting bile onto empty chairs.
Come out to Waterloo about 11 o'clock to get home and just have never seen carnage like it.
I've seen drunk people, I've never seen a whole city shit-faced before.
And you know everyone's drunk because there are no two people together.
No-one can coordinate to walk alongside one other person.
Veering off individuals, grown men just smashing into train station walls cos they've seen Harry Potter and they know that one of them doosh! Doosh! One will open up to that magical world where there's that girl where she's not old enough in the films but she is now, so it doesn't count.
Doosh! People's limbs have stopped working, they're just dragging themselves across the floor, hoovering up chips.
The biggest problem I had is No-one has left the city all day, no-one's left London.
So this train now that's about to leave is heaving in a way that I've only ever seen in documentaries set in the third world, you know.
I realised there was one train left.
I thought, if I don't get on that, that's it.
When they announce the platform, I've got to be the first there.
I've got a good chance, cos when they announce it, I'm the only one here who can still read.
So they announce the platform.
Not only do I get to the train, I'm the first one there for the whole train, which means I get my choice of every seat on a train, which would freak many out, they don't know which one they want.
I know exactly what seat I want.
I want two together but I don't want someone to sit next to me.
I don't want to put my bag on the seat, I'm too much of a coward.
When you put your bag on the seat, eventually someone comes and goes, "Excuse me, could you move that, please? Yes, yes.
"Thought you could have this, but I'm here now, the alpha, "so you can just My seat.
"I'm just going to touch you with that leg as well, how's that? "That's my arm rest, you get off, I'm having that one.
"You have that shitty little half one there under the window, "that's yours.
" So I'd just picked the two worst seats on the train.
Think, "That'll do me, the two seats that nobody else will want.
" What you do - you walk along the train until they've joined two together but there's no divide.
So all these people are stuck in this bit.
Go in this door here, don't go on forward with your momentum, just pivot round like that and there's a little pouch of seats here that nobody notices.
And look for the table here.
Don't sit at the table, everybody wants the table.
Sit just behind the table.
People see the table's free, they move on.
There's two seats here facing backwards.
Most people don't like to face backwards, makes them feel sick.
Sit by the window so people assume there's someone there, too.
"Yeah, go on, keep walking, mate.
This is mine.
" Got on my seat.
I thought, "I've nailed this.
" Curled myself up into a little ball of self-righteousness.
Stone-cold sober, hating it.
People get on the train, drunk, enjoying themselves, winding me up.
Right.
Just before we pull out of the station, something hits the back of my chair.
It's definitely a human head.
I can tell by the weight of it and the sound.
It's just a girl who's just boosh - passed out.
Can't move anymore.
I think, how did she even get on the train? I can't look round to find out cos I'll make eye contact with someone and they'll think I want to talk.
"Oh, you got a face.
"I've got a face, mate.
I was born in Bermondsey, actually.
" Oh, Jesus.
Just sit there, curled up.
Luckily, I find out what's happened because a man announces the history of the evening to us all.
A big South African businessman, he is.
He's carried her onto the train, right.
He's not getting this train, so he needs someone to help her off it, which, for me, all he needs to do is tap these two people here, doesn't he? "Could you help this woman off the train, please? "I don't know if you can see that, but she's absolutely annihilated.
"I'm not actually going to help, I'm leaving now.
She's yours.
"OK, take care.
Cheerio now.
B'bye.
" He doesn't do that cos he realises if he announces to the carriage what he's done, we'll think, "He's carried a lady onto the train, what a fine gentlemen.
"I shall applaud him and carry him wherever he's going.
" So instead, he shouts to all of us, "Somebody's got to help this woman off the train, please.
"I've carried her as far as I can, but I can do no more! "What a world, what a world.
" Born in South Africa, he's travelled.
Very accurate that was.
Anyway, I hated him.
He's the first individual I take time out to hate.
And I'm good at hate, it's my skill.
The two people here, I hate them cos they bailed him out.
They went, "Oh, that's OK, we'll get her off the train.
" I hated them just for getting involved.
And also because they're drunk as well.
What's happened is they're drunk, but she's more drunk, so they've sobered up.
"Oh, is she drunk, is she? "Don't worry, we only had the 12 Jagerbombs, you see, so, "we'll take care of this.
"Do be careful there, I pissed there a little bit, OK?" Here's how good I am at hate as well.
At the same time as I'm hating them for getting involved, I'm simultaneously hating everyone else for not getting involved.
That's really top level hatred, that is.
"There's a woman in distress here and you did nothing, "this country's gone to the dogs.
" He gets off the train, I start to calm myself down, we're rattling along, five minutes into the journey and I'm almost back at base-level hatred, which is still quite high.
And I hear the noise from behind me of a sort of semi-thick liquid hitting the floor from about three or four feet.
I think, "She's never having a can of soup?" That's a bold snack for a train, that, isn't it? Heinz big soup, I would say, from the sound of that.
It's not that, is it? She's just chundered.
She's chundered.
"Blergh!" She wakes up chundering on a train she doesn't remember getting on, which is obviously upsetting, so she starts crying.
The crying causes her stomach to convulse, which makes her sick again.
So it's a perfect little sandwich of misery going on behind me there.
"Bleeergh! "Bleeergh!" What that does, of course, is rocket her up the league to my most hated person on the train.
Relegation zone to Champions League overnight.
Unbelievable form, right.
And the reason I hate her is because all I wanted was this seat and now I've got to move, because sick is coming under the thing.
Urgh! On my bag and my shoes.
And I start looking around at people.
I think, this is ridiculous now! Modern Britain - you can't even get on a train without getting someone else's insides on you.
I just want someone to look at me and go, "I know, mate, what a country.
" Nobody does.
They're all looking at me angry cos they're as drunk as she is and they think I'm elevating myself out of this situation.
I can see them looking at me going "Ooh, look at Mr Clean Shoes.
Hic!" "Mr La-di-da's too good to have our sick all over him, is he?" "He was sick on me, mate, I didn't move.
"I just pissed on him a little bit.
" I realised it's all of us, everyone in the country is this pissed at the moment.
That's Bad enough for me, I live here.
I knew the signs.
If I hadn't had a gig, I'd be as drunk as everyone else.
But somewhere on this train is a nice little Spanish family.
A nice little Spanish family come to Europe on their summer holidays cos they've seen the Olympics.
"Yeah, let's go to London.
" Cos we told them, didn't we? "Come to London.
We wear matching tracksuits and help each other.
"Do come, do come.
" Now they're seeing the truth.
This is London.
Now, they're on this train terrified.
They booked the tickets ages ago, gave them to the kids at Christmas.
"Here you go, Javier, here is your Christmas present.
" Perfectly serviceable Spanish accent, I ain't changing it.
Just cos you Just cos you are frightened by performance.
You've put me out of character now.
Hang on, I need to get back in.
'Eeh, nachos!' Right, I'm back.
Don't let me lose the rhythm, don't let me lose the rhythm.
"Here you go, Javier, here is your Christmas present.
" "Oh, what is it?! What is it?!" "Yeah, he-he "I'm going to tell you when I stop laughing at your voice.
"This summer, we're going on our holidays to London town!" "London town!" "That's right, London town.
But when we get there, "please don't speak out loud because people will laugh in your face.
" "London town!" "London 2012 Olympic, London!" "London 2012 Olympic, London, "but we going there in 2013 because it's cheaper.
"Booked us an apartment.
It's on the edge of the city, "so every day we wake up, we have some breakfast, "we get the train into town, we go to Buckingham Palace, "we watch a show, you can stay up late every night "and we get the last train back to the apartment "in the city of London!" "Fucking Lo" "Don't swear.
" They're on this train now, seeing for the first time what London is really like.
They're going to go back and their friends will say "How was your holiday in London?" - They're going to say - "Let me tell you ".
.
something about London.
"You get the train in London, Jesus Christ.
"You get the train in London, everybody is puking "and shitting and crying.
" "Urgh, puke you! "Don't worry, you puke me, mate, I piss you! "You have to swim out of the train!" Their friends are going to say, "Jesus, why was everyone so drunk? Was it a festival or something?" They're going to go, "No, it was the sunshine come out!" There we go, consider yourselves satirised.
Are you excited for a great evening? Yes, good.
It's time to welcome our first guest.
You couldn't be in better hands.
Please, go wild and crazy.
Welcome to the stage the wonderful Sara Pascoe! Hello! Hello.
Thank you for having me, Hammersmith.
I love it.
What a beautiful building and what a beautiful place.
I live in Lewisham, which is brilliant.
Yeah, whoo, Lewisham.
If you haven't been there, just go southeast from here until you start getting scared, and then you've arrived.
It's brilliant.
The reason I moved to Lewisham - I'd never been there.
I took the first flat I found on the internet when I was moving in with my boyfriend.
I've been with my boyfriend for 11 months, so I'm still in that lovely bit where you cry all the time.
And, um We moved in together after two months, so I'm aware it was very quick.
It was very early in our relationship.
But I just couldn't bear waking up without him in the morning and he couldn't afford his rent.
And, erm So it's romantic.
I really wish I could show him to you cos he has the best body shape that a man can have.
I don't know if you've ever seen a man like this.
He's got very thin arms and legs, very thin, and then, in the middle, a massive belly.
It's so nice, it's a combination.
He's got bad posture and he eats terribly, like all carbohydraty sugary things.
I tell him all the time how much I love that belly and he thinks it's because I don't want him to get insecure, but it's not, it's cos I'm pretending he's having our child.
I love it.
I love to stroke it all the time, and say, "Have another biscuit!" It's so nice.
Now, when you're in a new relationship You've all had this experience, it's very exciting for everyone around you.
So people always ask, "Ooh, how's it going?" And it's such a difficult question to answer.
Like, how are you supposed to actually describe the feeling of being in love using language? It, er It doesn't come anywhere near the truth.
At the beginning, I used to attempt to use analogies.
So people would say, "Ooh, how's it going?" And I would say, "Oh, it's like I've always been a plant "but I used to be in a garden centre or a supermarket on a shelf "and now I'm in the garden.
" And, um, you can't say that to people.
I've learned that.
Now what happens is people go, "How's it going?" And I say, "Fine.
" And, erm But then my friend the other day, she said, "Well, you don't seem very happy.
" And I said, "Yeah, that's cos I'm not with him, I'm here with you.
" And Apparently, that's very rude.
And my friend really told me off.
She said, "Actually, Sara, "it's very important that you stay in contact with your friends.
" "But why? I've got him now.
" And then she said, "Well, what about if you break up?" "But if we break up, then I'll kill myself, so I still don't need you.
" And we live in a society that considers any relationship that doesn't last until your death a failure.
That's what really concerns me.
At the start with my boyfriend, I realised how happy I was.
I started worrying that we would break up one day cos all of my previous relationships have finished and I don't want that to happen.
And what I found out is you shouldn't worry about the ending at the beginning, it ruins everything and it's illogical.
It's like giving birth to a baby dressed as the grim reaper.
It's like turning up at a job interview and going, "Oh, what's the point? If you don't sack me, I'll quit.
" So I was thinking about other couples.
I thought a lot about Adam and Eve, cos they, of course, were the original couple.
And sure, at the beginning, it's all magical.
It's all staying up late, counting each other's ribs and laughing.
But, over time, the magic fades.
He's boring, she's off talking to wildlife and comfort eating.
And then their landlord kicks them out, one of their kids kills the other one.
And if they can't make it work in Paradise, what chance have I got in Lewisham? We don't have a lot of problems.
It is early days.
The two things we have Me and my boyfriend, we always have a row when I'm getting dressed because he thinks it takes too long.
He doesn't understand that I have to try on all of my trousers because some of my trousers are liars and they lie about the shape and size of my legs.
And different trousers lie on different days, so I never know who's going to be doing it and I have to try them all on.
And I don't known who's behind it, if it's NATO or the Illuminati, but they're trying to slow me down.
And the other thing, I don't like leaving him alone on the house because I'm worried he's having sex with somebody that he thinks is me.
Yes.
My worry is I've got a doppelganger, someone who looks exactly like me, and he's doing it with her.
The reason is, apart from the start where it was passionate, I don't think that we have enough sex anymore, but he says that we have plenty.
Which makes me think he must be having it with someone he thinks is me when I'm not at home.
And that's annoying on two levels.
Like, number one - he's cheating on me behind my back, and number two - I'm not allowed to have a go at him about it because he thought it was me.
I mean, what if she said she was me? That is the kind of thing I would say.
Now I'm being flippant about something.
It's a very serious subject.
I hope you've never had this experience, but if you're the one in the relationship who wants to have sex more than the other person and you get rejected all the time, what you end up with is sexual frustration.
And that, it's just such a horrible thing.
It's a vicious cycle, it's game over, because you can't seduce anybody once you're sexually frustrated, when you need it most.
You can't encourage someone to do it with you by crying with rage.
It doesn't change their mind.
And I've tried talking about it both on stage and to his mum and Yeah, for some reason, it's not helping.
I can't to my mum about it.
My mum's brilliant and I love her and respect her, but she gives bad advice, especially about sex.
My mum was brought up Catholic.
She thought that was very oppressive, and she tried to liberate me and my sisters by giving us all of the information, OK? Too much information.
When I was 11, before I started secondary school, my mum gave me a lecture about cunnilingus.
Hmm, in preparation for secondary school.
My mum told me what it was and then she said that whenever I went to bed with a boy, I was to insist that he do this as a mark of respect.
Now, I look back as an adult and I think, "Oh, I can see what my mum was trying to do, "she obviously wanted to empower me to find my own pleasure.
" It had the exact opposite effect, it ruins everything.
There is no way you can enjoy yourself with a man between your legs if you're thinking "Hmm, Mum'd be proud.
" Very similar kind of age, I still would have been in the first year at school, so about 11.
I must have heard somebody using the word twat.
I must have picked it up because, in a row with my mum, I called her a twat.
She was very angry but also calm.
And she stopped me.
She said, "That is a very ugly word "but a very beautiful part of the female anatomy.
" And then she drew me a very, very detailed vagina as a demonstration of her point.
So obviously what happened was, the next day at school, I heard somebody calling somebody a twat, and I marched over and said, "No, actually, it's a very ugly word "but a very beautiful part of the female anatomy.
" And I drew them a very, very detailed vagina.
So, subsequently, at school for five years I was known as a raving and predatory lesbian.
Of course, we were children.
We had no idea what a lesbian was, but it was probably the girl surrounded by self-drawn genitalia, pushing it on people all the time.
And I would argue that it is better to be called a twat than Leonardo Da Minge-y.
Thank you so much for having me.
Enjoy the rest of your night.
Bye-bye.
Sara Pascoe! Are you ready for our final act of the evening? Whoo! Please go wild and crazy for the wonderful Mr Nathan Caton.
Hello, hello, hello.
Evening, guys.
You guys all right? Yeah! Good.
Allow me to introduce myself.
My name is Nathan Caton.
Um, I live at home with my mum still.
Thank you for that judgmental silence.
It's not all bad.
There are some good things about living at home, like, um The best thing for me is my neighbour.
I've got the best next-door neighbour in the world.
So, an old lady called Mrs Bishop.
Lovely, sweet old lady, but she's overly PC when it comes to race.
She's petrified of appearing racist, right.
So much so that whenever she talks to me or my family, she never says the word black.
Instead, she says urban.
She'll say something like, "Oh, Nathan, Nathan.
"Um, do you know the little, um, the little urban kid from Number 5? "You know with the big, urban hair? You've seen him, right?" Mrs Bishop, you don't have to do that, man.
That's dumb on so many levels.
I'm mean, like, firstly, urban is not an adequate replacement for black, right? Urban's a city, anyone can be urban.
Two - the word black, it's not racist, it's a colour.
I'm not going to get offended over a colour.
I'm a human being, not a bull.
And three - even if the word black was racist, I still wouldn't be offended if you said it cos you're black, too.
Spit it out, what's wrong with you? I'm immature.
I know I'm immature.
I get told all the time I'm immature.
I think the big reason why I'm so immature is It's cos of my mates, right.
A lot of my mates who I hang with, they're very immature.
Like, um My mate Paul, he's a prime example of how immature we are, right.
My mate Paul, he's, um He's what I like to call a bit of a lad, which is basically a man's way of saying, "He's a bellend, but he's my mate.
" That's what a lad is, innit? Like, he's a dickhead, but I've known him for too long to get rid of him, right? Paul, he's a typical lad.
He does lad things.
Lads say things that are maybe racist, sexist, misogynistic or homophobic, and then they always justify it by going, "Banter, innit? Banter, innit? "Bants, bants, bants, bants, bants," like a proper dickhead.
Paul does it all the time.
I remember one time England were playing Poland, it was a World Cup qualifier.
And what happened was the FA allocated 18,000 tickets to the Poland fans, which is like double the normal amount.
Um, Paul found out and he was like, "Yeah, bruv, that's cool.
"If the FA want to let 18,000 Polish people into Wembley Stadium, "it's the least they could do.
"After all, they probably built the place, innit? "Ha-ha-ha.
Banter, innit, bruv? Banter, innit, yeah? "Bants, man.
Bants, bants, bants, bants.
" "Shut up, you idiot.
" That's dumb.
I mean, firstly that's a lazy stereotype.
Not all Polish people are builders.
Secondly, Wembley Stadium was £75 million over budget and four years behind schedule.
That's got British builders written all over it.
If you're going to be racist, just be accurate.
That's one thing that annoys me more than racism itself - lazy, sloppy racism.
Not saying that there's good parts of racism, but lazy, sloppy racism really gets on my nerves, right.
I'll give you an example of what I mean, a story which happened during the summer.
Um, there's a black football player called Dani Alves.
He plays for Barcelona.
Now, he was playing one game and during the match, a fan from the crowd chucked a banana at him.
Just random - pow.
Right.
Dani Alves is quite cool, didn't let it get to him.
Picked up the banana, ate it, chucked away the skin, right.
Now, when it happened, some of my white friends were asking me how I felt.
Cos that's what happens every time there a story in the news that's linked to black people.
I don't know why.
It always happens.
Any time.
Like, um, end of 2013, three of my white friends text me the same thing, going, "Hey, bruv, I heard about Mandela.
Are you OK?" Piss off, man.
Sorry, I've gone off point.
I was talking about Dani Alves, the black football player who had a banana chucked at him, right.
As I said, after it happened, my white friends - not being racist - just casually were asking me how I felt.
Now, how I felt was I was offended, but not for the reason that they thought I'd be offended.
I wasn't offended because it was racist, I was offended because of how it was racist, you know.
The guy chucked a banana.
Really? A banana? What kind of lazy, boring, uncreative racism is that, man? It's not the 18th century, it's the 21st century.
Black people, we've moved on.
We like other things now, you know.
Chuck a Nando's menu, man! A banana, that's not racism, that's potassium.
I'm not offended by that.
Up your game, bellend.
What's wrong with you? Love sports, man.
I'm a massive sports fan.
Me and my mates, always arguing about sports, always arguing about stuff.
We got into an argument me and one of my mates in particular.
We got into a argument at the start of the year.
A former football player, he came out in the news, right, to reveal that he's gay.
Now, that's cool.
Fair credit to him for coming out, that's all good.
However, at the same time, I can't help but think, "Why is it someone famous revealing that they're gay "is still seen as a headline?" You know, it shouldn't be a headline to be gay in today's day and age.
So what? That shouldn't be a headline.
It's like, OK, it's cool, you're gay.
What do you want, a cookie? Oh, a cock, knock yourself out.
Go for it, right.
No big deal, right.
But the weird thing was, after that player came out, I was talking to a mate of mine who is gay.
Cos that's what happens every time there's a story in the news that's linked to gay people.
I was asking him how gay people felt as a whole, right.
I was saying I was like, "Bruv, I don't get it.
"Why is it a big deal to be gay in today's day and age? "It's not a taboo, it's normal, it's accepted.
It's cool, right.
" But then my mate, he was like, "Nathan, let me stop you there, OK? "Um, yes, I hear what you mean.
The world is more tolerant, "it's more liberal.
Yeah, I get that.
"But, trust me, if someone famous comes out, "it's still a big issue, innit? "Cos gay people, we're still seen as a minority, you know.
"Like you being black, for example.
" No, it's not.
Like, when I was 17, 18 years old, I didn't have to gather my family together.
"Mum, Grandma ".
.
um, I've got something to tell you guys, yeah? "Uh, Mum, remember the other day when you came in my room "and, um, I was reading the Nando's menu and you asked me why? "Remember that? "And, um, Grandma, remember last weekend "when I picked you up and I was half an hour late for no reason.
Remember that, yeah? "Well, basically, it's because I'm, um "It's, um, because I'm" "What, boy, what? What you is? What you is?" "It's cos I'm" "No! "In my house? You is? You is?" "Yeah, I'm urban.
" You guys have been cool.
I've been Nathan Caton.
Thank you, cheers.
Nathan Caton! - Have you had a good time? - Yeah! Thank you for coming.
Ladies and gentlemen, tonight you've seen Sara Pascoe.
Nathan Caton.
And from myself, Jon Richardson, see you again soon.
Take care.
Good night.
Bye-bye!