My Family (2000) s10e04 Episode Script

Listen.
Listenlisten to that.
- What? I can't hear anything.
- Exactly.
No kids, no grandkids.
Nothing.
- Just us.
- Yep.
Aren't you in the least bit upset that our little fledglings have flown the nest? Fledglings? Fledglings! I don't think of them as fledglings, Susan.
More liketicks.
Yeah, ticksleaving the sheep after they've bled him dry.
- You big softie.
- Mmm, I know.
Of course, now that we have the place to ourselves, we can do all the things we couldn't do when the kids were around.
Yep.
Ye-e-ah! Hey, how about we start here on the sofa, or maybe on the kitchen table? I'm not talking about sex, Ben, I'm talking about things we can both enjoy.
Doing up the house.
- I've been making plans.
- Oh, great(!) - I want to redecorate Michael's room - Mm-hm.
- revamp the en suite - Mm-hm.
and I want to turn Janey's room into an art studio.
- An art studio? - It's something I've always wanted.
And maybe if you give me what I want, you might get what you want.
Oh, that's what it's come down to, is it? Haggling for sex? What do you mean, ''come down to''? It's always been like that.
Anyway, what would you do with that room? I don't know.
I was thinking of converting it into a I don't know, a study.
To do what? Well, study.
Looking at adult websites is not studying, Ben.
Oh, I don't know.
I've picked up a few things, I can tell you.
(DOORBELL RINGS) Do you want me to get that? Do you want me to build you a conservatory first? G'day.
Er, sorry to trouble you, folks, but does a Mr Ben Harper live here? I wouldn't call it living! If it's a lawsuit, you'd better take it up with his dental practice.
No, it's nothing like that.
My name's Craig Willoughby.
I'm from Altona, just outside Melbourne.
I'm Australian! Get away.
I've been given this list of people who were at uni with my mum.
She reckoned they might be able to help me out on my travels round Europe.
No problem.
I'll show you where the bus stop is.
You must be Ben.
Mum said you were a bit of a joker.
Yes, I never stop laughing.
Probably why she put you top of the list.
What? Me, top of the list? Really? Oh-ho! Look at that, Susan.
Top of the list.
Mmm She's Australian, Ben, it's all upside down.
So, who exactly is your mother, Craig? Oh, well, you'd have known her as Penny Forbes.
Oh, Penny Forbes! No idea.
We'd love to have you stay, but, er, we don't have a spare room.
- Yes, we do.
- No, we don't.
No, we don't.
- I'm about to start redecorating.
- Since when? If you want some help with that, I love painting and DIY.
- Maybe you could give Ben a hand.
- No, no, no, no.
- Why don't you stay for dinner? - No Susan, can I have a word? If this guy builds you an art studio, you're not having sex with him.
OK.
So, the flat needs a sieve, egg whisk, spatula, and microwave.
You know, Janey, they've invented things called shops for stuff like that.
Yeah, but then I'd have to pay for it, and you'd only end up giving me the money anyway.
So, in a sense, I'm saving you a step.
You're welcome.
You're the gift that keeps on taking.
Mummy, please can I have a puppy? Oh, here we go again.
Mum, he's been driving me mad just because some of his classmates have dogs.
I've tried telling him it's a big responsibility, but he won't listen.
Look, Kenzo, we've just moved in to this new flat, and now's not really the right time for a puppy.
So, how about this? You can have anything else you like.
- Anything? - Anything.
How about a brother or sister? Dog's not looking so bad now, is it? (BEN HUMS) - What's the occasion? - Been a long time since we, um, had the place to ourselves, and I thought it was a good opportunity to, er well, you know, kind of, er - get to know each other again.
- Really? Well, I know we joke around, Susan, but I think this is a, er a significant moment.
And so I think we should have a toast, my darling, a toast to us and our new life.
(HARMONICA PLAYS) What's that? I said Craig could pitch his tent in the back garden.
You did what? I said it was fine as long as he's doing jobs around the house.
Just ignore it.
Craig! Do you mind stop playing thatthing? CRAIG: Sorry, Benno! All right.
Forget the toast.
Where were we? Oh, yeah.
Come here.
(RATTLING) What are you doing? Saw you were having trouble with the window, mate.
Get the hell out of here! Go on, get out! Get out! Go on! Down! Get out and get in your tent! Stay in there! - OK, OK, baby.
Our new life.
- Our new life.
- Together.
- Together.
(DIDGERIDOO PLAYS) (DOOR SHUTS) (DRILL WHIRRS) What do you reckon? It's a wall.
- Yeah.
- Why? Ah, it's gonna divide the spare room upstairs.
But it appears to be down here.
It's the latest trend in modular construction.
You build it off-site, you take it down again and then you rebuild it on-site.
Ohso you build it twice.
Well, to the layman.
So how does the layman get into the kitchen? Er I could build you a door, if you like.
No, you see, I have a door, it's there, but I just don't seem to be able to get to it.
SUSAN: Oh, just go around and come in through the garage like I did.
But of course.
It's so simple.
Why didn't I think of that? Susan! Susan! I'm sorry.
The wombat's gotta go! - He's doing work for free, Ben.
- Oh, ''he's doing work for free''! Listen, he builds a wall, he builds a wall here, there, when it should be actually upstairs.
Sorry, um, little question what is this? Craig's built us a garden bridge.
Of course he has.
It's in the kitchen.
Will you stop going on about that puppy? It's not going to happen.
If I hear one more thing about that dog, so help me, I will - Oh, hello.
- Oh, hello.
Craig Willoughby.
Just, er, doing a bit of building work for the Harpers.
- I'mI'm Janey Harper.
- G'day.
G'day.
Where are my parents? - Oh, behind that wall.
- Nice work.
And I'm guessing this little mite belongs to you, right? Yeah, this is, er, Kenzo.
He's my son.
He's nearly eight years old.
I can talk for myself, Mum.
Of course you can, mate, a grown-up little fella like you.
What say us two have a proper chat over a couple of beers later on, eh? I mean, this is outrageous, completely outrageous! I mean, I'm finally in a place where I can have the whole house to myself, and I find it's taken over by some deadbeat freeloader.
I mean, you know, 30 years, Susan, I have spent bringing up the kids.
When you fight a war, you get a medal.
What do I get? Oh, no, I get him! You do like walking over that bridge, though, don't you? I must admit, it's a decent work-out for the calves.
- Hi! - Hello, darling.
What do you mean, ''hi''? Hang on, how did you get in? Craig moved the wall for me.
Oh, did he really? Right, I want a word with him.
Craig! CRAIG: Sorry, mate, I moved it back! Right, that idiot's got to go.
Susan, have a word.
No, no, no, no, don't do that.
The guy is seriously hot! I think he's funny.
If he was here, I wouldn't need a puppy.
If he was here, I wouldn't need your grandfather.
- Don't use that yet, mate! - For crying out loud! Sleep all right? Do you mind closing the curtain? Give a man some privacy, please! Dear God! Have you any idea what time it is? - Uh - Curtain! Curtain! Curtain! Yeah, well, I'm a bit of an early bird myself.
- Like to get a jump on things.
- Oh, good.
Obviously.
So is the, um, the water working yet? Oh, yeah, there's heaps of it.
The only downside is I appear to have a few odds and ends left over.
Really? Well, then (SHOWER STARTS) Well, that's a first.
(SHOWER STOPS) I thought you said you were good at DIY? I said I loved it, never said I was any good at it.
No wonder your mother wanted you to leave the country.
I called her last night, told her I was here.
She sends her regards.
She's very grateful to you, as am I.
Look, look, look, I think I'd better come clean, OK? I don't remember her at all.
- Oh, maybe a photo'd jog your memory.
- Mm-hm.
Er here's ahere's a photo of us at the beach when I was a young 'un.
Oh, that Penny Forbes.
Penny Farthing Forbes.
Blimey, she was a right nice person, nice person.
So she, er, she went off to Oz and got married, hm? - Yeah, that's it.
Married Don Willoughby.
- Ah, yeah, your father.
No, stepfather, actually.
Yeah, never knew my real dad.
I guess he lived over here.
So, umapropos of nothing, um, how old are you? Me? I'll be 34 next July.
Yeah, would have been nice to know my real dad.
Shh, please, can you give me a break? But, hey, these things happen, university flings.
Please, please, I'm just thinking Oh, my God! What's up, Benno? Oh, I see.
I'd best leave you to it, eh? - Turn it off when you're done, mate.
- (TOILET FLUSHES) BEN: And what's the code for Australia? Thank you.
Bye.
Right.
Susan! Susan! Susan! Susan! Yes? What? - You called.
- Yep.
- What do you want? - Nothing.
- You called because you want nothing? - I was missing you.
What? Yeah.
I was wondering if you could help me findthe notepad! Here it is.
Panic over.
I think you've been getting too close to Craig's glue gun.
What have you been saying to Craig? You haven't been talking to Craig, have you? He hasn't said anything, has he? No, no.
I was just thinking how nice it was that you've been getting on so much better - bonding, almost.
Bonding? We're not bonding.
Why would we be bonding? I mean, it's not like, you know, we're related or anything, is it? I mean - I'm going to the shops.
- Mm-hm, good idea.
Can I get you anything? Like some sanity? - Ah, Ben! - Oh! - Bag! - Yeah, bag! - Hormones! - Hormones! Hello? Hello.
Is that Penny Willoughby? Yeah, it's, er, Ben Harper.
Benny? Yeah! Oh, no, no, don't mention it.
No, he's fine.
No, he'she's a lovely boy.
Yeah, he's upstairs right now, destroying my bathroom.
Er, it's about him I wanted to have a little chat with you about, Penny.
Um Did? What? Yeah, yeah.
Well, of course I remember.
Remember? Oh, please! How could I forget? I mean, it was quite a night, yeah.
Yeah, you were pretty, um athletic.
Yeah, yeah, I know.
I was as well, yeah, and I've got two words for you, Penny - whipped cream.
So you're at it with another woman? Correction I was at it with another woman, but it was a long time ago, Mikey.
Way, way, way before I met your mother.
So why are you talking to her now? Because, umum, because Mikey, I think it's time we had a man-to-man talk - like I've never done before.
- Sober? Whatever I tell you stays between us, OK? - Go on.
- Have you met Craig? Yes.
- He's pretty hot.
- Yeah, he's pretty He's not hot! What do you mean, hot?! No, he's not hot.
It's just that I knew Craig's mother.
Yes, I heard.
No, no, no.
No, no.
No, no.
Just for one night.
One amazing night.
But, er Mikey, there is a sort of possibility that I might be Craig's father.
Strangely, he's not hot any more.
Are you sure? Mikey, the dates tally.
- And you've had a DNA test? - Oh, no need, Michael, no need.
Look at the boy.
He's tall, rugged, handsome.
Trust me, you need a DNA test.
I can get one done quickly, I know a guy.
OK, OK, but you're not to breathe a word of this to anyone.
Wow! We're actually sharing a secret.
- Yeah, how's it feel? - Kind of creepy.
So what now? Michael, I intend to deal with this situation in the way the men in my family have done for generations.
Keep your head down and say nothing.
Exactly.
Hi, Mum! You do know you don't live here any more, don't you? Yeah, well, I was just dropping Kenzo off to play with Matty and Adam, and, seeing as I was in the neighbourhood, I just Matty and Adam live in the flat downstairs from you.
Do they? Well, I thought I'd take the scenic route.
And does the scenery include a certain young Australian backpacker? Do you have one of those here? I didn't think that outfit was for my benefit.
Oh, Mum, come on.
This is so last season.
Well, Craig is very sweet.
I think you two would do well together.
- Don't you think so, Ben? - What's that? Janey and Craig would make a nice couple.
No! What? No, no.
He's completely wrong for her.
Oh, typical.
And the sooner he's gone, the better, as far as I'm concerned.
I mean, the guy's a loser, an irritating, loudmouth idiot who can't keep his mouth shut.
They say girls always look for their father's qualities.
That's so like you.
Every time she finds somebody she likes, you put them down.
You never support her.
You're a horrible father.
II am a brilliant father - youyou have no idea.
You don't have to worry.
Stop thinking of it as losing a daughter.
Think of it more as gaining a son.
Yes, thatthat's really helps, that, yeah.
Oh, darling, that's great.
You're painting.
Good.
So that means Craig has gone? Oh, yes, he's gone.
Oh, thank God for that.
- He's gone out to dinner with Janey.
- What? And you're paying for being so mean to them.
No, no, no, no.
They can't do that.
That's all wrong.
Don't panic - they're not going to the Ritz.
No, don't you understand? No! Janey cannot go out with Craig.
- Why not? - Um, becausebecause Yes, yes, I got ''because''.
Oh, God Oh, God.
I was hoping to spare you this.
Spare me what? - Sit down.
- No.
OK, stand.
I've just remembered a minor some may say trivial incident involving Craig's mother.
- Oh, yes? - Yeah.
While we were at uni I had knowledge of her.
Knowledge of her? Who are you, Moses(?) Do you mean you slept with her? A bit.
I'm sensing now you're a little upset.
Yep.
Susan, Susan, please, this was a long time ago, way, way before you and I even met.
I mean, it was October 1 975.
You know, you didn't come onto campus until - September 1 97 4.
- Are you sure? Yeah, OK, obviously you are.
We were dating in 1 975! We were exclusive, or so I thought.
Look, are you sure about your dates? Please, now, come on.
I would not be seeing another woman while I was going out with you.
- Uh-huh(!) - No, please.
Susan, you have fulfilled my every desire, every desire, both emotionally and, you know You want proof we were dating? I'll give you proof! Right October, you say? Oh, my God! You keep all your old diaries? Just in case the divorce gets messy.
Ah-ha! Hm? Mm-hm? Mm-hm.
Right, we'll consider the matter closed, and I'll say no more about it.
- What?! You always say more about it.
- Give, give, give, give! Oh, Ben Wait! What? Oh, my God! October 28th ''I haven't seen Ben for over five weeks.
'' There you go, you see, we were not going out! Why? Because we were on a trial separation.
Why? Because I was drinking too much! Thereoh! So who's the idiot now, huh? So, you see, we were not going out with each other at the time, so I'm off the hook.
Oh, you are so not off the hook! You just couldn't wait to jump into the sack with somebody else, could you? But you wanted a trial separation to see what happened andand that's what happened! Ah, raised voices.
Always nice to come home to.
What's it about this time? Your mother is looking for a way to apologise to me.
I am certainly not! After what you did, youyou rat.
Ah, so you've told her, have you? Yes, yes, he's told me.
Hold on - Michael knows?! Yep, we shared a secret.
And can I just say, Mum, the idea of Craig being my half-brother doesn't upset me at all.
Thank you, Michael(!) Hadn't quite got to that bit yet.
Right.
OK.
I'll be off.
Got to make some toast.
Mind if I take this? Good.
Bye! Craig is your son? No, nothing's proven, Susan, nothing's proven.
You know, all I've got to do is get some hair and some saliva, and Michael's gonna run a DNA test, and if the test proves negative, then I'm in the clear.
Oh, you think? Susan, I know you're upset, but you know, there's bigger issues here, you know.
JaneyJaney is out with Craig.
Oh, my God! Still, nothing to worry about.
What can happen? It's only their first date.
It's Janey.
So, is there a Mrs Willoughby? - Oh, yeah.
- Oh.
- No, no, my mum.
- Oh.
And do you want kids when we get married? You! Sorry, youyou get married? - Oh, my God.
There they are.
- Oh, look, your sluttish daughter is on a date with your illegitimate son.
Just keep them apart and get the DNA.
Right.
- Ah, wellCraigy! - What a coincidence! Us in the same restaurant.
Who'd have thought it? - You made the booking, Mum.
- Oh, silly me.
OK, so may we join you? This is nice.
- How's everything going? All right? - It was until you two arrived.
Janey and I have been chatting.
Turns out we have quite a bit in common, eh? More than you can imagine.
You know what I like to do whenever I'm in a restaurant? - Embarrass me? - No, I like to I like to rub the inside of my mouth with the old breadstick.
Get the old taste buds going.
It's really quite fun.
Why don't you try it? Yeah, go on, have a go.
- No, I'm all right, mate.
- Please, please have a go.
Dad! He said no.
I'm so sorry.
They're not usually like this.
Well, actually, they are.
Lovely smile.
Hasn't he got a lovely smile? Oh, beautiful teeth.
Lovely teeth.
But, I think, if you don't mind me saying ah-ah, yep, yep, beginnings of an abscess.
- Oh, how can you tell? - Oh, please, years of experience.
Look, lookshow Susan.
There, right in the corner.
- Oh, yes.
- Here.
That's right.
OK, so what are we having? What is wrong with you two? This is weird, even by your bizarre standards.
Where is that waiter? I'm starving.
I'm not staying here with you lunatics.
Craig, can we just go somewhere on our own? No, no, no You can't go, because because Oh, Ben, say something! I think you might be my son.
Not that.
- (DRONING) - Craig! Craig! - Craig! - (DRONE STOPS) What, you don't like the Beatles? Michael's on his way, and, er, phew, he's got the DNA results.
I need a drink.
Thank you.
Craig, Craigy, Craigy, Craigy.
Er, may I have a word, please? - Yes, Benno? - Don't call me Benno.
- OK, Dad.
- Juststick to Benno, OK? Look, Craig, if this test proves that you are indeed the fruit of my loins Oh, God! I want you to know, Craig, that I will treat you in the same way as I treat all my children.
Oh, God! Well, thanks, Benno.
Trust me, it's nothing to be grateful for.
Run, Craig.
Run like the wind.
All I'm saying is, Craig, as always, that I am prepared to accept my obligations and responsibilities.
Yes, I know how to be a father.
Sorry! I'm just saying, Susan, that if this test proves to be positive, I will be proud to call this fine young man myson.
Well, ladies and gentlemen, - the results are in.
- Oh, please Yes, we have a winner.
In an extraordinary, nail-biting finale, the nation has voted - Oh, please, Michael! - Get on with it, for goodness' sake! Well, as you know, I submitted the breadstick to the laboratory, and their results were absolutely conclusive.
Craig's father is Mr Hovis.
Oh, you Just pack it in.
You can't get a sample from a breadstick, Dad.
Luckily, I had the foresight to get a clean DNA sample from one of Craig's sweaty socks.
And the result is Boom-boom Boom-boom Craig Janey Mum Dad Boom-boom Boom-boom Congratulations, Craig, you are - not a Harper.
- Oh! - Is that certain? - Totally.
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, y Although on another level, I'm deeply disappointed.
Pack his tent, pack his tent.
Susan, I I know we weren't seeing each other at the time, and it was a very, very long time ago, but, er, I really shouldn't havebeen seeing her.
That's all right, darling.
It's all in the past.
Yep.
- Let's just put all that behind us.
- OK.
That's very decent of you.
Well, I think, given everything that happened I have to be gracious about this.
Yes.
Especially as I've been re-reading my diary and reminded myself that while we were on our break I slept with my English tutor.
Night-night, darling.
Sweet dreams.