Not Going Out (2006) s10e04 Episode Script
Schooling
1 # We're not going out # Not staying in # Just hanging around With my head in a spin # But there is no need to scream and shout # We're not going out We are not going out.
We had some very good news this week.
Jack's school came top of the league tables.
Charlie's school's in the relegation play-offs with Rochdale.
Not this again - his school is fine.
That's not what Ofsted said.
There's a rumour going around the playground they're about to downgrade the rating from "good" to "requires improvement".
Lucy, I'm so sorry! You never think it will happen to someone you know.
That is genuinely a bigger reaction than you had when my mother died.
I get very confused by all this Ofsted stuff since they changed the ratings - didn't "requires improvement" used to be "satisfactory"? You're thinking of the bedroom.
He's right.
And if the school is satisfactory, it's good.
No, Lee - outstanding would have been good.
Good would have been acceptable and satisfactory would have beenunsatisfactory.
And yet I still find it confusing.
Well, these ratings are very important.
None of us would eat in a place whose hygiene was only satisfactory.
Yes, we would.
In fact, you are.
If his school requires improvement, it makes me want to pull Charlie out of there.
I'm sure that wouldn't improve the school that much.
As you can see, Lee doesn't take this very seriously.
No, I just don't care what a load of inspectors say.
I base my own opinions on my own experiences of being at the school.
And what experiences are they? Someone's forgetting that hour I did on the Hook A Duck stall.
I have my own opinions, as well you know.
I don't need some officious body telling me what to think.
Neither do I.
But we all have to play with the hand we're dealt.
Have you thought about moving to a different area? Yeah, but I'm pretty sure Charlie would find us.
Have you considered sending him to private school, like we have with Jack? Oh, we can't afford it.
Oh, right.
Sorry.
Well, hang on - the fact that we wouldn't send him to a private school is not about the money.
Yeah, private isn't the only option.
There are lots of great state schools.
I went to one.
Well, a grammar.
Yes.
But you'd have also thrived in the private system.
Given the chance, you could have achieved something.
I'm a hospital consultant and surgeon.
Yes, but for bottoms or something.
So, Lee - are you opposed to private school? It's OK, you don't have to have the same opinion as Anna.
I do.
Obviously.
I promised to love, honour and agree.
Well, seeing as you ask, yes, I am opposed to them.
And don't even get me started on the hats.
Well, let's all agree to disagree.
All schools have their merits.
Exactly.
Look at us lot.
Anna went to boarding school.
Toby went to a grammar school.
I went to a very nice comprehensive.
And Lee went to a school that was eventually burnt down by an alcoholic PE teacher with a grudge.
And we all turned out OK! Without a doubt.
Procul dubio.
Indubitably.
Exactly.
Fo' shizzle.
I've been thinking about what we discussed last night.
Oh, don't worry - I've come round to your way of thinking.
You're right - we're not at home enough to get a pet monkey.
I mean during dinner.
You know, when Anna suggested we think about private education for Charlie.
You're not serious? I think we could afford it if we made a couple of sacrifices.
We can't do that to the twins.
I told you last night, it's not about the money, it's the principle.
Well, my mum and dad think we should consider it.
Oh, sorry - you've been discussing it with your mum and dad before you discussed it with your husband? Well, they're a bit more open minded than you.
Open minded? Your dad? The man whose main reason for voting for Brexit was because he saw a tin of sauerkraut in Asda? We are not sending Charlie to a private school.
KNOCK AT DOOR Oh Oh, Dad, I wasn't expecting you.
I thought I'd surprise you.
And I need to borrow 20 quid.
Well, then you haven't surprised me.
The machine won't give me any money.
Yeah, well, you should tried nudging on two bells and a cherry.
Thanks, son.
You'll get it back in a few days.
I'm not going to disappear out of the country for sake of 20 quid.
Just out of interest, how much would that cost me? Are you all right, son? Yeah, sorry, you just caught me having a bit of a disagreement with Lucy, that's all.
About what? Well, if you must know, about the idea of sending Charlie to a private school.
You what? Are you trying to turn him into Tarquin the tosspot? I didn't raise you You can probably end that sentence there.
There's no grandson of mine going to private school.
Um, I think that's a decision Lee and I should be making, Frank.
Er, well, hang on - if your parents can weigh in, so can mine.
Carry on, Dad.
Say your piece.
State education made me the man I am today.
Perhaps leave it there.
KNOCK AT DOOR Oh, hello.
Sorry to just land on you like this.
There's something we wanted to discuss, but we didn't realise Frank would be here.
Why does nobody want to talk in front of me today? I'm not a police informant, you know.
There must be some reason they allow you to remain at large.
All right, I'll just say it.
It's about Charlie's failing school.
We think you should consider a private school for Charlie.
Yeah, so I've heard.
It's immoral and I'm opposed to it.
What, private education? Or the concept of education in general? Listen, my dad can be quite irritating at times and often operates with a very suspect moral compass.
But on this one, very isolated case, he happens to have a point.
Thanks, son.
That means a lot to me.
Under no circumstances are we sending Charlie to a private school.
Well, hear us out.
Wendy and I would like to pay for it.
Well, I suppose there's two sides to every argument.
Wow.
I'm assuming your march from Jarrow is off? And we'll pay for Benji and Molly too if, when the time comes, Charlie's school still hasn't got his act together.
Oh, I don't know what to say.
Thank you.
Yeah, that'svery generous.
Unbelievable.
Well, they're offering to pay.
You said money didn't come into it.
Which it won't if they're offering to pay! Am I the only one here with any convictions? You're making this far too easy for me, Frank.
Well, I've said my piece.
There's some people have to work hard in life, whereas other people just expect things to be handed to them.
Can I have that 20 quid? Thanks for the tour, Lucas.
It looks like a fantastic school.
Oh, it is, yes.
Our exam results are amongst the finest in the country.
And there's loads of different clubs to join.
I'm actually President of the Debating Society.
What's that? Well, you compete to win an argument.
It doesn't matter whether you believe in your position or not, just as long as it's the opposite of your adversary.
See? They even prepare them for being married.
Is there anything else I can help you with.
No.
I think we've pretty much covered everything.
The multimedia centre, the hockey pitches, the five-floor library, the swimming pool.
When do we get to go on the flight simulator? Oh, my God, there's an actual flight simulator! Well, if you'll excuse me, I've got Bible study.
I can't imagine Charlie choosing that club.
That one's compulsory.
This is a faith based school.
Faith based? You mean it'sreligious? No.
He means they built the curriculum around George Michael's back catalogue.
BELL RINGS I'd better not be late.
We're doing Ephesians 6.
I've not even seen Ephesians 1 to 5.
I do hope I've been of help.
Oh, you have, Lucas.
Thank you.
Whatever happened to alcopops and shoplifting? What do you think? My guess is some sort of weird adult pretending to be a boy.
I mean about the school.
Isn't it amazing? Yeah, but it'sit's religious.
So? Or do you object to faith schools as well as private schools? Of course not.
But they might object to us.
It'll be fine.
If anyone asks us, we'll just say we're a bit more God-y than we actually are.
It's not like all the teachers are priests.
Hello! Miss Jenkins, headmistress.
You must be Lucy and Lee.
And alsowith you.
Thank you for coming in.
Oh, thank you for sparing us the time.
Yes, very good of you, Father.
I mean It's not Mother, is it? Miss Jenkins is fine.
Please don't be nervous.
It's just an informal chat, few questions.
Fire away.
If you want me to name all 14 disciples, just say the word.
It's just a joke.
I know there was 12.
Oh, you know, if we're including the one we don't talk about.
You know, kissy, kissy, catchy, catchy.
I simply want to know a bit more about you and Charlie.
Which church do you currently attend? St Mary's.
St Peter's.
St Peter, Paul and Mary's.
He means All Saints.
Peter, Paul and Mary weren't in All Saints.
Not the band.
The church.
Oh, right.
Never, ever have I ever felt so low.
When you going to get me out of this black hole? You know, the All Saints song.
I like, er, I like other stuff too.
Like, um .
.
Hymns.
We don't actually have a specific church yet, as we recently moved.
So, we've been trying out a few different ones.
You know - try before youdie.
So, is Charlie's current school a faith school? No.
More of a lack of faith school.
Specifically my lack of faith that it's any good.
She's worried about a dodgy Ofsted.
It's not about Ofsted.
It's what I think.
Lucysted.
Good job your name's not Stan.
Right.
Not currently attending a faith school Yes, but we take it upon ourselves to talk to the kids about .
.
you know .
.
Jesus.
Don't we, Lee? Well, his name certainly comes up a lot.
Well, I'll need a few extra details while you're here.
For example, the date and location of Charlie's christening? Yup.
So, just to confirm, you need? I need to know where the christening took place.
At the front in that birdbath thing.
Erm, Charlie has actually been christened, I assume? Well, that sort of depends on how you define christened.
I mean, has he been christened? Oh.
In that case .
.
no.
Right.
I'm sorry, but the thing is, if he hasn't been christened Oh, but that's a very good reason why he hasn't been christened.
And that is, um .
.
as follows.
Wedidn't used to be that religious.
Lee and I have only come to our faith relatively recently.
How recently? About Three years ago.
Back when Charlie was born, we didn't get him christened because we hadn't properly found our faith.
But as time passes, we're becoming more and more committed, aren't we, Lee? By the minute.
At this rate, by lunchtime, she'll be the Pope.
Same thing goes for you, does it? Yes, I certainly feel I'm getting in a lot deeper than I was to begin with.
We're going to make a lot of changes.
One of them is to find Charlie a faith school and another is to get him christened, which we are going to do very, very soon.
Of course, I'll need to see the certificate of baptism when it's done.
Where are you getting it done? Well, that's the thing.
You see, everything's pretty much booked up at the moment.
So, we, um, we don't actually have a place as yet.
It could end up being done anywhere.
But that's all right, yeah, with the whole omnipresence thing? Could end up being in the bathroom department at Wickes.
Well, this is a predicament I might be able to solve.
I'd be very happy to baptize Charlie myself.
Right.
If you're agreeable to it.
Of course.
How's Sunday? Well, actually, I'm meant to be playing football.
But I can't play this Sunday because I'm having my son christened.
That would be wonderful.
Thank you very much.
Right, now - godparents? Oh, Godparents.
Yes.
Um What about them? I look forward to meeting them.
So do I.
Can I have their details? Yeah.
Their names are .
.
Anna and Toby.
Are they relatives? I hope not, they're married to each other! They're our friends.
Good friends? We'll see.
Are you sure Toby and Anna will agree to this? It's very dishonest and cynical.
Exactly.
They're the perfect people to ask.
They'll understand.
Why don't we just ask your parents? They're the ones that want Charlie to go to a private school.
They wouldn't approve of this.
You know what Dad's like about honesty.
That's true.
He doesn't even cheat at the self-service checkout by weighing mangoes as potatoes.
Oh, come on, Lucy, don't leave us on tenterhooks.
What did you want to talk to us about? Well, actually, it's a bit of a cheeky request, so please feel free to say no if you feel uncomfortable with it.
I'm starting to think this is about swapping partners.
We're going to need a safe word, Anna.
I've got one.
Goodbye.
We're getting Charlie christened.
Oh, isn't he christened already? No.
We thought we'd wait until he could swim.
No, we didn't get any of the kids done.
Wasn't really our sort of thing.
We have considered exorcism a few times.
That's quite unusual, isn't it, to do it at this age? Yes, it is.
But there's actually a very good reason we're getting him christened and a reason we're asking you to be godparents, because basically, my Asking us to be godparents? That's right.
You see, the thing is Of course we'll do it, won't we, Toby? Oh! Oh, ha Right.
You know, just to be clear Hang on, are you crying? Oh, I'm sorry.
I feel a bit emotional.
This is my first time.
Really? It's true.
Anna's never felt emotions before.
We've never been asked to be godparents before.
I feel like I've been to 100 christenings, but we were always the bridesmaids.
There is a possibility they weren't actually christenings.
I was starting to wonder if it was me.
You know, maybe people didn't really see me as godparent material, maybe even a littlecynical.
BOTH: No I can't tell you what this means to me, Lucy.
I amreally, really honoured and touched.
Can I ask you what made you choose us? Well, to be honest, it was actually because .
.
we thought you'd be the perfect moral and spiritual guardians.
We thought about it for a long time before asking you.
So, when did you decide to have him christened? This afternoon.
I saw the face of Jesus in my Marmite and it made us get our arse in gear.
So, when's the big day? This Sunday.
Wow, this is all very quick.
Is it a drive-through? So, I'm assuming it's a yes? Of course it's a yes! Oh! I'm so pleased.
Come on, Toby.
I can feel a new hat coming on.
You do realise you'll have to renounce Satan? Well, that's good, isn't it? What's good? Well, they agreed to it.
Yeah, but Anna thinks we actually want them to be godparents.
We do actually want them to be godparents.
Yeah, but for the wrong reasons.
She thinks we're asking them to be guardians of the children's spirituality.
And that's for the wrong reasons, is it? You know what I mean.
We can't tell her what's really going on now, I feel terrible.
Well, it's not her you should feel guilty about lying to.
It's the all-powerful figure who sits in judgment on us.
I feel bad enough, don't bring God into it.
I meant your dad.
Ha! Charlie, you look really stupid.
Be nice, Molly.
Otherwise we'll make you come to church with us.
I don't think we should be using it as a threat.
Go play, you know, with the baby-sitter.
I can't believe I'm doing this just to get into a school.
Count yourself lucky it's not a Jewish school.
Right, Anna and Toby will be here any minute, so remember, no mentioning your new school.
You mean lie? No.
We're just saving that surprise for another day.
KNOCK ON THE DOOR Unless they ask you outright, then lie through your teeth.
Oh, Anna, you look amazing.
Thanks, Lucy.
I'm sorry about Toby.
I told him just because it's church, there's no need to come dressed as a jumble sale.
Are the other guests meeting us there? Oh, erm, no.
We just wanted a small, private service.
Just us and our very special godparents.
They didn't want anyone else implicated.
He means involved.
Kids.
So, no function afterwards, then? I'll book TGI Fridays.
Seems appropriate.
It's not Friday.
I meant the "thank God" bit.
Can we go to TGI Fridays? Yeah, of course.
We'll pick you up after the ceremony.
Yes! Oh.
Are you two not coming to see your brother getting christened? No.
He's only doing it so he can get into a new school.
You didn't tell me Charlie was moving school.
Didn't we? Well, it all happened so quickly.
My mum and dad offered to pay for a private one.
I thought Lee was opposed to them? Well, I am, but they won't live forever.
I assume it's a faith school? Yep.
I see.
So, this whole christening thing is just a grubby little scam? Well, that is one theory, yes.
Other people find religion a great source of reassurance.
Oh, you mean just this one.
Yes.
Yes, it is.
How could you, Lucy? Oh, I was going to be straight with you, but then you got all emotional and I panicked.
You're very quiet.
Well, it was pretty obvious what was going on when they first asked us.
What was I meant to say? You haven't been this happy since that Club Class upgrade on the flight to the Comoros Islands.
It's not my fault you weren't offered one too.
It was our honeymoon.
Anyway, we haven't got time to chat.
We've all got to get to a christening.
Yes, you have, haven't you? Enjoy your day, Charlie.
I'm sorry we won't be there to see it.
Oh, no, Anna.
Please come.
Yeah.
Don't miss out.
It's Chocolate Fudge Monkey Sunday.
Not at the church.
I mean at TGIs.
I can't believe she's done that.
We can hardly blame her.
It's like we've asked her to donate a kidney and she's just found out we want it for a hotpot.
We've got to find someone, and quickly.
How do? God really does move in mysterious ways, doesn't he? You do realise it's no smoking in here? Or swearing.
Oh, I'm sure he'll behave himself, won't you, Charlie? Don't worry, son.
I won't mess up.
This means a lot to me.
Nobody's ever asked me to be a godparent before.
I wonder why.
It was rhetorical.
So, why aren't Wendy and Geoffrey here? Well, I don't think they'd be too happy that we chose you to be godparent over them, and you wouldn't want upset my mum and dad, would you? So, perhaps it's better if we just never mention this.
After all, you and Dad already don't see eye to eye.
More like eye to bellybutton.
Hello again.
And Charlie, welcome to St Michael's.
Toby? Or not Toby.
That is the question and the answer is not Toby.
We decided to just keep it to immediate family, and this is my dad, Frank.
I didn't realise you were going to be a woman.
Now you know why we call him Frank.
Fancy wetting the baby's head later? Dad.
I know when they're married, it doesn't usually stop you, but surely when they're married to God Are there no other guests arriving? No.
We just decided to keep it intimate.
Couldn't ask her side of the family.
They're pagans.
Just us and our special godparent.
To think .
.
I only came around to your house to give you back that 20 quid I owed you.
Well, you keep that £20, Father.
You deserve it.
Thanks, son.
That means a lot.
You couldn't lend me another 20 quid, could you? KNOCK ON THE DOOR Hi, Grandma.
Hi, Grandad.
Hello, you two.
Are Mummy and Daddy in? No, we've got a baby-sitter.
They got you a baby-sitter? What about me? You don't need a baby-sitter.
You're old.
So, where are your mum and dad? At church.
Are we definitely at the right house? Are you sure they aren't just at the supermarket? No.
You can't get christened at the supermarket.
Christened? Did they tell you anything else? Yes.
They said not to tell Grandma and Grandad.
Oops.
Oh, thank you, Frank, for that very memorable reading.
I must say, it's unusual to have someone do all the voices.
I do what I can.
Those stories can be quite preachy otherwise.
And this is where I invite Charlie to join me at the font.
Come on, Charlie.
Armbands on.
How deep is it? It's a water flume.
It comes out at a drain near the graveyard.
Nothing that exciting, I'm afraid, Charlie.
It's a rather simple process.
Not as dramatic as a wedding.
I don't get to say, "If anyone knows any reason why this christening "should not go ahead, please declare it now.
" Stop the christening! Oh, God.
Gosh.
Goddy gosh.
Mum, Dad.
So pleased you can make it after all.
I can't believe what I'm seeing.
This is an abomination.
Told you.
Pagans.
Stay away from the holy water, Geoffrey.
We don't want it to burn you.
I'm surprised to see you inside a church, Frank.
You might want to count the candlesticks after he's gone.
Have you come to join us for the christening? Yes, we have.
Not that we were invited.
Mum, Dad, if I could possibly explain it to you later? Yes, please, because I need to get on with christening my godson.
Your godson? You've chose him as a godparent over us? I didn't even tell us about it? Clearly, they see me as the more God-fearing one.
That's because you've got more to fear.
Mum, Dad, it's not what you think.
Isn't it? No, we didn't exactly choose Frank.
He's only here because .
.
Toby and Anna pulled out at the last minute.
You what? I thought you'd chosen me specially.
Sorry, Frank.
You just turned up on the doorstep at the right time.
So it could just as easily have been a pizza delivery man standing here? Well, if you could hurry up and dunk him and we'll bugger off.
Actually, I'm just going to pop to the vestry.
Top up the holy water.
I'll leave you to chat amongst yourselves for a moment.
Why didn't you tell us about this? Because I thought you'd disapprove.
Damn right we disapprove.
No, I meant disapprove of the reason.
The thing is .
.
we're just doing this to get Charlie into a better school.
You mean the school we're paying for? And we still don't get invited to the christening.
Hang on.
So you're using me to get Charlie into a posh school? Well, in that case, I do not want to be the godparent.
Well, that solves it.
Geoffrey, Wendy.
Will you do us the great honour of being godparents? No, we won't.
I've never been so insulted in my life.
Oh, there's nothing to be insulted or offended about when the whole thing's fake anyway! It's all just a big sham to get Charlie into the school, OK? I though Christians were supposed to be forgiving.
She did forgive us.
She just wouldn't do the christening or let Charlie into the school.
It's our parents and friends who didn't forgive us.
And God, probably.
Exactly.
We'll be lucky to get through the week without being struck by a plague of What's it? Grasshoppers.
You mean locusts.
You're lucky.
I was going to say spacehoppers.
So now what? We'll have to start looking at other schools, I suppose.
Well, let's set ourselves a real challenge this time.
See if we can get him into an all girls one.
PHONE PINGS Ooh.
It's that Ofsted report on Charlie's school.
It's official now.
Have they changed their rating? Yeah.
Well? It's gone from "good" up to "outstanding".
That's fantastic.
Oh, those silly mums were flapping about nothing.
We don't need to move Charlie now.
I thought you didn't care about the Ofsted report? Lee, if the last few days have established anything is that we're both total hypocrites.
Have we still got that table booked at TGIs? Yeah, why? I think we should go out and celebrate being really good parents.
Good? OK, requires improvement.
# We're not going out # Not staying in # Just hanging around with my head in a spin # But there is no need to scream and shout # We're not going out We are not going out.
We had some very good news this week.
Jack's school came top of the league tables.
Charlie's school's in the relegation play-offs with Rochdale.
Not this again - his school is fine.
That's not what Ofsted said.
There's a rumour going around the playground they're about to downgrade the rating from "good" to "requires improvement".
Lucy, I'm so sorry! You never think it will happen to someone you know.
That is genuinely a bigger reaction than you had when my mother died.
I get very confused by all this Ofsted stuff since they changed the ratings - didn't "requires improvement" used to be "satisfactory"? You're thinking of the bedroom.
He's right.
And if the school is satisfactory, it's good.
No, Lee - outstanding would have been good.
Good would have been acceptable and satisfactory would have beenunsatisfactory.
And yet I still find it confusing.
Well, these ratings are very important.
None of us would eat in a place whose hygiene was only satisfactory.
Yes, we would.
In fact, you are.
If his school requires improvement, it makes me want to pull Charlie out of there.
I'm sure that wouldn't improve the school that much.
As you can see, Lee doesn't take this very seriously.
No, I just don't care what a load of inspectors say.
I base my own opinions on my own experiences of being at the school.
And what experiences are they? Someone's forgetting that hour I did on the Hook A Duck stall.
I have my own opinions, as well you know.
I don't need some officious body telling me what to think.
Neither do I.
But we all have to play with the hand we're dealt.
Have you thought about moving to a different area? Yeah, but I'm pretty sure Charlie would find us.
Have you considered sending him to private school, like we have with Jack? Oh, we can't afford it.
Oh, right.
Sorry.
Well, hang on - the fact that we wouldn't send him to a private school is not about the money.
Yeah, private isn't the only option.
There are lots of great state schools.
I went to one.
Well, a grammar.
Yes.
But you'd have also thrived in the private system.
Given the chance, you could have achieved something.
I'm a hospital consultant and surgeon.
Yes, but for bottoms or something.
So, Lee - are you opposed to private school? It's OK, you don't have to have the same opinion as Anna.
I do.
Obviously.
I promised to love, honour and agree.
Well, seeing as you ask, yes, I am opposed to them.
And don't even get me started on the hats.
Well, let's all agree to disagree.
All schools have their merits.
Exactly.
Look at us lot.
Anna went to boarding school.
Toby went to a grammar school.
I went to a very nice comprehensive.
And Lee went to a school that was eventually burnt down by an alcoholic PE teacher with a grudge.
And we all turned out OK! Without a doubt.
Procul dubio.
Indubitably.
Exactly.
Fo' shizzle.
I've been thinking about what we discussed last night.
Oh, don't worry - I've come round to your way of thinking.
You're right - we're not at home enough to get a pet monkey.
I mean during dinner.
You know, when Anna suggested we think about private education for Charlie.
You're not serious? I think we could afford it if we made a couple of sacrifices.
We can't do that to the twins.
I told you last night, it's not about the money, it's the principle.
Well, my mum and dad think we should consider it.
Oh, sorry - you've been discussing it with your mum and dad before you discussed it with your husband? Well, they're a bit more open minded than you.
Open minded? Your dad? The man whose main reason for voting for Brexit was because he saw a tin of sauerkraut in Asda? We are not sending Charlie to a private school.
KNOCK AT DOOR Oh Oh, Dad, I wasn't expecting you.
I thought I'd surprise you.
And I need to borrow 20 quid.
Well, then you haven't surprised me.
The machine won't give me any money.
Yeah, well, you should tried nudging on two bells and a cherry.
Thanks, son.
You'll get it back in a few days.
I'm not going to disappear out of the country for sake of 20 quid.
Just out of interest, how much would that cost me? Are you all right, son? Yeah, sorry, you just caught me having a bit of a disagreement with Lucy, that's all.
About what? Well, if you must know, about the idea of sending Charlie to a private school.
You what? Are you trying to turn him into Tarquin the tosspot? I didn't raise you You can probably end that sentence there.
There's no grandson of mine going to private school.
Um, I think that's a decision Lee and I should be making, Frank.
Er, well, hang on - if your parents can weigh in, so can mine.
Carry on, Dad.
Say your piece.
State education made me the man I am today.
Perhaps leave it there.
KNOCK AT DOOR Oh, hello.
Sorry to just land on you like this.
There's something we wanted to discuss, but we didn't realise Frank would be here.
Why does nobody want to talk in front of me today? I'm not a police informant, you know.
There must be some reason they allow you to remain at large.
All right, I'll just say it.
It's about Charlie's failing school.
We think you should consider a private school for Charlie.
Yeah, so I've heard.
It's immoral and I'm opposed to it.
What, private education? Or the concept of education in general? Listen, my dad can be quite irritating at times and often operates with a very suspect moral compass.
But on this one, very isolated case, he happens to have a point.
Thanks, son.
That means a lot to me.
Under no circumstances are we sending Charlie to a private school.
Well, hear us out.
Wendy and I would like to pay for it.
Well, I suppose there's two sides to every argument.
Wow.
I'm assuming your march from Jarrow is off? And we'll pay for Benji and Molly too if, when the time comes, Charlie's school still hasn't got his act together.
Oh, I don't know what to say.
Thank you.
Yeah, that'svery generous.
Unbelievable.
Well, they're offering to pay.
You said money didn't come into it.
Which it won't if they're offering to pay! Am I the only one here with any convictions? You're making this far too easy for me, Frank.
Well, I've said my piece.
There's some people have to work hard in life, whereas other people just expect things to be handed to them.
Can I have that 20 quid? Thanks for the tour, Lucas.
It looks like a fantastic school.
Oh, it is, yes.
Our exam results are amongst the finest in the country.
And there's loads of different clubs to join.
I'm actually President of the Debating Society.
What's that? Well, you compete to win an argument.
It doesn't matter whether you believe in your position or not, just as long as it's the opposite of your adversary.
See? They even prepare them for being married.
Is there anything else I can help you with.
No.
I think we've pretty much covered everything.
The multimedia centre, the hockey pitches, the five-floor library, the swimming pool.
When do we get to go on the flight simulator? Oh, my God, there's an actual flight simulator! Well, if you'll excuse me, I've got Bible study.
I can't imagine Charlie choosing that club.
That one's compulsory.
This is a faith based school.
Faith based? You mean it'sreligious? No.
He means they built the curriculum around George Michael's back catalogue.
BELL RINGS I'd better not be late.
We're doing Ephesians 6.
I've not even seen Ephesians 1 to 5.
I do hope I've been of help.
Oh, you have, Lucas.
Thank you.
Whatever happened to alcopops and shoplifting? What do you think? My guess is some sort of weird adult pretending to be a boy.
I mean about the school.
Isn't it amazing? Yeah, but it'sit's religious.
So? Or do you object to faith schools as well as private schools? Of course not.
But they might object to us.
It'll be fine.
If anyone asks us, we'll just say we're a bit more God-y than we actually are.
It's not like all the teachers are priests.
Hello! Miss Jenkins, headmistress.
You must be Lucy and Lee.
And alsowith you.
Thank you for coming in.
Oh, thank you for sparing us the time.
Yes, very good of you, Father.
I mean It's not Mother, is it? Miss Jenkins is fine.
Please don't be nervous.
It's just an informal chat, few questions.
Fire away.
If you want me to name all 14 disciples, just say the word.
It's just a joke.
I know there was 12.
Oh, you know, if we're including the one we don't talk about.
You know, kissy, kissy, catchy, catchy.
I simply want to know a bit more about you and Charlie.
Which church do you currently attend? St Mary's.
St Peter's.
St Peter, Paul and Mary's.
He means All Saints.
Peter, Paul and Mary weren't in All Saints.
Not the band.
The church.
Oh, right.
Never, ever have I ever felt so low.
When you going to get me out of this black hole? You know, the All Saints song.
I like, er, I like other stuff too.
Like, um .
.
Hymns.
We don't actually have a specific church yet, as we recently moved.
So, we've been trying out a few different ones.
You know - try before youdie.
So, is Charlie's current school a faith school? No.
More of a lack of faith school.
Specifically my lack of faith that it's any good.
She's worried about a dodgy Ofsted.
It's not about Ofsted.
It's what I think.
Lucysted.
Good job your name's not Stan.
Right.
Not currently attending a faith school Yes, but we take it upon ourselves to talk to the kids about .
.
you know .
.
Jesus.
Don't we, Lee? Well, his name certainly comes up a lot.
Well, I'll need a few extra details while you're here.
For example, the date and location of Charlie's christening? Yup.
So, just to confirm, you need? I need to know where the christening took place.
At the front in that birdbath thing.
Erm, Charlie has actually been christened, I assume? Well, that sort of depends on how you define christened.
I mean, has he been christened? Oh.
In that case .
.
no.
Right.
I'm sorry, but the thing is, if he hasn't been christened Oh, but that's a very good reason why he hasn't been christened.
And that is, um .
.
as follows.
Wedidn't used to be that religious.
Lee and I have only come to our faith relatively recently.
How recently? About Three years ago.
Back when Charlie was born, we didn't get him christened because we hadn't properly found our faith.
But as time passes, we're becoming more and more committed, aren't we, Lee? By the minute.
At this rate, by lunchtime, she'll be the Pope.
Same thing goes for you, does it? Yes, I certainly feel I'm getting in a lot deeper than I was to begin with.
We're going to make a lot of changes.
One of them is to find Charlie a faith school and another is to get him christened, which we are going to do very, very soon.
Of course, I'll need to see the certificate of baptism when it's done.
Where are you getting it done? Well, that's the thing.
You see, everything's pretty much booked up at the moment.
So, we, um, we don't actually have a place as yet.
It could end up being done anywhere.
But that's all right, yeah, with the whole omnipresence thing? Could end up being in the bathroom department at Wickes.
Well, this is a predicament I might be able to solve.
I'd be very happy to baptize Charlie myself.
Right.
If you're agreeable to it.
Of course.
How's Sunday? Well, actually, I'm meant to be playing football.
But I can't play this Sunday because I'm having my son christened.
That would be wonderful.
Thank you very much.
Right, now - godparents? Oh, Godparents.
Yes.
Um What about them? I look forward to meeting them.
So do I.
Can I have their details? Yeah.
Their names are .
.
Anna and Toby.
Are they relatives? I hope not, they're married to each other! They're our friends.
Good friends? We'll see.
Are you sure Toby and Anna will agree to this? It's very dishonest and cynical.
Exactly.
They're the perfect people to ask.
They'll understand.
Why don't we just ask your parents? They're the ones that want Charlie to go to a private school.
They wouldn't approve of this.
You know what Dad's like about honesty.
That's true.
He doesn't even cheat at the self-service checkout by weighing mangoes as potatoes.
Oh, come on, Lucy, don't leave us on tenterhooks.
What did you want to talk to us about? Well, actually, it's a bit of a cheeky request, so please feel free to say no if you feel uncomfortable with it.
I'm starting to think this is about swapping partners.
We're going to need a safe word, Anna.
I've got one.
Goodbye.
We're getting Charlie christened.
Oh, isn't he christened already? No.
We thought we'd wait until he could swim.
No, we didn't get any of the kids done.
Wasn't really our sort of thing.
We have considered exorcism a few times.
That's quite unusual, isn't it, to do it at this age? Yes, it is.
But there's actually a very good reason we're getting him christened and a reason we're asking you to be godparents, because basically, my Asking us to be godparents? That's right.
You see, the thing is Of course we'll do it, won't we, Toby? Oh! Oh, ha Right.
You know, just to be clear Hang on, are you crying? Oh, I'm sorry.
I feel a bit emotional.
This is my first time.
Really? It's true.
Anna's never felt emotions before.
We've never been asked to be godparents before.
I feel like I've been to 100 christenings, but we were always the bridesmaids.
There is a possibility they weren't actually christenings.
I was starting to wonder if it was me.
You know, maybe people didn't really see me as godparent material, maybe even a littlecynical.
BOTH: No I can't tell you what this means to me, Lucy.
I amreally, really honoured and touched.
Can I ask you what made you choose us? Well, to be honest, it was actually because .
.
we thought you'd be the perfect moral and spiritual guardians.
We thought about it for a long time before asking you.
So, when did you decide to have him christened? This afternoon.
I saw the face of Jesus in my Marmite and it made us get our arse in gear.
So, when's the big day? This Sunday.
Wow, this is all very quick.
Is it a drive-through? So, I'm assuming it's a yes? Of course it's a yes! Oh! I'm so pleased.
Come on, Toby.
I can feel a new hat coming on.
You do realise you'll have to renounce Satan? Well, that's good, isn't it? What's good? Well, they agreed to it.
Yeah, but Anna thinks we actually want them to be godparents.
We do actually want them to be godparents.
Yeah, but for the wrong reasons.
She thinks we're asking them to be guardians of the children's spirituality.
And that's for the wrong reasons, is it? You know what I mean.
We can't tell her what's really going on now, I feel terrible.
Well, it's not her you should feel guilty about lying to.
It's the all-powerful figure who sits in judgment on us.
I feel bad enough, don't bring God into it.
I meant your dad.
Ha! Charlie, you look really stupid.
Be nice, Molly.
Otherwise we'll make you come to church with us.
I don't think we should be using it as a threat.
Go play, you know, with the baby-sitter.
I can't believe I'm doing this just to get into a school.
Count yourself lucky it's not a Jewish school.
Right, Anna and Toby will be here any minute, so remember, no mentioning your new school.
You mean lie? No.
We're just saving that surprise for another day.
KNOCK ON THE DOOR Unless they ask you outright, then lie through your teeth.
Oh, Anna, you look amazing.
Thanks, Lucy.
I'm sorry about Toby.
I told him just because it's church, there's no need to come dressed as a jumble sale.
Are the other guests meeting us there? Oh, erm, no.
We just wanted a small, private service.
Just us and our very special godparents.
They didn't want anyone else implicated.
He means involved.
Kids.
So, no function afterwards, then? I'll book TGI Fridays.
Seems appropriate.
It's not Friday.
I meant the "thank God" bit.
Can we go to TGI Fridays? Yeah, of course.
We'll pick you up after the ceremony.
Yes! Oh.
Are you two not coming to see your brother getting christened? No.
He's only doing it so he can get into a new school.
You didn't tell me Charlie was moving school.
Didn't we? Well, it all happened so quickly.
My mum and dad offered to pay for a private one.
I thought Lee was opposed to them? Well, I am, but they won't live forever.
I assume it's a faith school? Yep.
I see.
So, this whole christening thing is just a grubby little scam? Well, that is one theory, yes.
Other people find religion a great source of reassurance.
Oh, you mean just this one.
Yes.
Yes, it is.
How could you, Lucy? Oh, I was going to be straight with you, but then you got all emotional and I panicked.
You're very quiet.
Well, it was pretty obvious what was going on when they first asked us.
What was I meant to say? You haven't been this happy since that Club Class upgrade on the flight to the Comoros Islands.
It's not my fault you weren't offered one too.
It was our honeymoon.
Anyway, we haven't got time to chat.
We've all got to get to a christening.
Yes, you have, haven't you? Enjoy your day, Charlie.
I'm sorry we won't be there to see it.
Oh, no, Anna.
Please come.
Yeah.
Don't miss out.
It's Chocolate Fudge Monkey Sunday.
Not at the church.
I mean at TGIs.
I can't believe she's done that.
We can hardly blame her.
It's like we've asked her to donate a kidney and she's just found out we want it for a hotpot.
We've got to find someone, and quickly.
How do? God really does move in mysterious ways, doesn't he? You do realise it's no smoking in here? Or swearing.
Oh, I'm sure he'll behave himself, won't you, Charlie? Don't worry, son.
I won't mess up.
This means a lot to me.
Nobody's ever asked me to be a godparent before.
I wonder why.
It was rhetorical.
So, why aren't Wendy and Geoffrey here? Well, I don't think they'd be too happy that we chose you to be godparent over them, and you wouldn't want upset my mum and dad, would you? So, perhaps it's better if we just never mention this.
After all, you and Dad already don't see eye to eye.
More like eye to bellybutton.
Hello again.
And Charlie, welcome to St Michael's.
Toby? Or not Toby.
That is the question and the answer is not Toby.
We decided to just keep it to immediate family, and this is my dad, Frank.
I didn't realise you were going to be a woman.
Now you know why we call him Frank.
Fancy wetting the baby's head later? Dad.
I know when they're married, it doesn't usually stop you, but surely when they're married to God Are there no other guests arriving? No.
We just decided to keep it intimate.
Couldn't ask her side of the family.
They're pagans.
Just us and our special godparent.
To think .
.
I only came around to your house to give you back that 20 quid I owed you.
Well, you keep that £20, Father.
You deserve it.
Thanks, son.
That means a lot.
You couldn't lend me another 20 quid, could you? KNOCK ON THE DOOR Hi, Grandma.
Hi, Grandad.
Hello, you two.
Are Mummy and Daddy in? No, we've got a baby-sitter.
They got you a baby-sitter? What about me? You don't need a baby-sitter.
You're old.
So, where are your mum and dad? At church.
Are we definitely at the right house? Are you sure they aren't just at the supermarket? No.
You can't get christened at the supermarket.
Christened? Did they tell you anything else? Yes.
They said not to tell Grandma and Grandad.
Oops.
Oh, thank you, Frank, for that very memorable reading.
I must say, it's unusual to have someone do all the voices.
I do what I can.
Those stories can be quite preachy otherwise.
And this is where I invite Charlie to join me at the font.
Come on, Charlie.
Armbands on.
How deep is it? It's a water flume.
It comes out at a drain near the graveyard.
Nothing that exciting, I'm afraid, Charlie.
It's a rather simple process.
Not as dramatic as a wedding.
I don't get to say, "If anyone knows any reason why this christening "should not go ahead, please declare it now.
" Stop the christening! Oh, God.
Gosh.
Goddy gosh.
Mum, Dad.
So pleased you can make it after all.
I can't believe what I'm seeing.
This is an abomination.
Told you.
Pagans.
Stay away from the holy water, Geoffrey.
We don't want it to burn you.
I'm surprised to see you inside a church, Frank.
You might want to count the candlesticks after he's gone.
Have you come to join us for the christening? Yes, we have.
Not that we were invited.
Mum, Dad, if I could possibly explain it to you later? Yes, please, because I need to get on with christening my godson.
Your godson? You've chose him as a godparent over us? I didn't even tell us about it? Clearly, they see me as the more God-fearing one.
That's because you've got more to fear.
Mum, Dad, it's not what you think.
Isn't it? No, we didn't exactly choose Frank.
He's only here because .
.
Toby and Anna pulled out at the last minute.
You what? I thought you'd chosen me specially.
Sorry, Frank.
You just turned up on the doorstep at the right time.
So it could just as easily have been a pizza delivery man standing here? Well, if you could hurry up and dunk him and we'll bugger off.
Actually, I'm just going to pop to the vestry.
Top up the holy water.
I'll leave you to chat amongst yourselves for a moment.
Why didn't you tell us about this? Because I thought you'd disapprove.
Damn right we disapprove.
No, I meant disapprove of the reason.
The thing is .
.
we're just doing this to get Charlie into a better school.
You mean the school we're paying for? And we still don't get invited to the christening.
Hang on.
So you're using me to get Charlie into a posh school? Well, in that case, I do not want to be the godparent.
Well, that solves it.
Geoffrey, Wendy.
Will you do us the great honour of being godparents? No, we won't.
I've never been so insulted in my life.
Oh, there's nothing to be insulted or offended about when the whole thing's fake anyway! It's all just a big sham to get Charlie into the school, OK? I though Christians were supposed to be forgiving.
She did forgive us.
She just wouldn't do the christening or let Charlie into the school.
It's our parents and friends who didn't forgive us.
And God, probably.
Exactly.
We'll be lucky to get through the week without being struck by a plague of What's it? Grasshoppers.
You mean locusts.
You're lucky.
I was going to say spacehoppers.
So now what? We'll have to start looking at other schools, I suppose.
Well, let's set ourselves a real challenge this time.
See if we can get him into an all girls one.
PHONE PINGS Ooh.
It's that Ofsted report on Charlie's school.
It's official now.
Have they changed their rating? Yeah.
Well? It's gone from "good" up to "outstanding".
That's fantastic.
Oh, those silly mums were flapping about nothing.
We don't need to move Charlie now.
I thought you didn't care about the Ofsted report? Lee, if the last few days have established anything is that we're both total hypocrites.
Have we still got that table booked at TGIs? Yeah, why? I think we should go out and celebrate being really good parents.
Good? OK, requires improvement.
# We're not going out # Not staying in # Just hanging around with my head in a spin # But there is no need to scream and shout # We're not going out We are not going out.