Travel Man (2015) s10e04 Episode Script
Madrid
To mini break is to sup the cup of the mug.
How in shiz can a sister get on point, without getting peeved? But do not let salt tears soak your bosom for I, the captain of Chaf Richard Ayoade, am here to get your tiny trips crisp.
Belted to a bushel of exhausted entertainers, I'm going to globally gob off.
This is travel without mercy.
Tonight, 48 hours maxin' but not relaxin' in Madrid.
More than 6 mill saps per ann visit the Spanish capital, compelled by the combo of plazas, palaces, paintings, pastimes and piggy bits.
Joining me to inveigle our way through Iberia is comedian Ellie Taylor.
- Pink to make the boys wink.
- Thank you.
Together, we will force a dignified man to talk penis What's the ears with the knife about? Castration.
.
.
tell of things that you people would scarce believe I've seen people fighting with ham bones.
That's a Danny Dyer documentary I want to see.
.
.
and just shoot the shiz.
Do you think you could eat human, if you had to? You're presuming I haven't.
We're here, but should we have come? Si! - Thank you for that.
- Gracias.
- It's nice to bring in the language.
Molto bene.
Ciao.
OK, diminishing returns.
A two-and-a-half-hour flight, a tube train transfer and some toilet time in the recent past, we power through Atocha station, Madrid's largest terminus.
This opened for business 9th of Feb, 1851, Atocha Station.
Botanical gardens only put in 1992, 7,000 square metres.
SHE WHISTLES Just missing a T-Rex.
In 2015, 108.
6 million people came through here, Ellie.
- Sweet.
Is that why you brought me to Madrid? - Amongst other reasons.
Mad-to-the-drid's orig 865 AD AKA was Meres, meaning plenty of water ways.
After approx 600 wasted years, King Felipe II made it capital of Spain in 1561, a title it grips to its breast even now.
Madrid's citizens are known as Madrilenos or Gatos.
And some of the cats who've crossed its cobbles in Almodovar, Bardem, Cruz-comma-P and two gens of Iglesiases.
Madrid is the highest capital in Europe, as well as quartering the largest royal palace and oldest restaurant in the world.
But, unfortunately, it is also one of the sunniest cities in Europe.
Travellers grimly gripping their guilder could command the full 48 in Madrid for 291 GBP, Scarcely enough wad to bunk at the Hotel Silken Puerta America.
Why are people writing on buildings now inspirational quotes? What's your favourite inspirational quote? Better out than in.
SHE LAUGHS - Good morning.
- Good morning.
- Welcome to Hotel Puerta America here in Madrid.
- Gracias.
- Thank you.
- It's your first time? - Si.
- Yes.
This dump has taken the designer hotel and doubled down, hiring 19 different architects and designers to dream up both its car park and its 13 floors.
The first one.
- Oh.
- Oh! - Norm.
Come on, you can do better than that.
- These lads, well done.
- Oh, gosh.
Industrial! They've done BBC Television Centre.
Or just a bit like Dixons.
Ooh, well.
What's the theme of this floor, Knight Rider? - The show in the '80s.
- Oh, OK.
Do you mind me coming to look at your room, by the way? - Well, I'd rather you didn't but seeing as - Oh, I followed you.
- Yeah.
- Oooh.
Oh.
Ah, here we go, what a view.
Your suit is exactly the same colour as lots of the buildings here.
Yes.
And blood mixed with ice cream.
This suite was envisioned and actioned by Jean Nouvel.
Its moveable screens allow guests to waste their time.
I don't know how I feel about baths in rooms.
- But you can sit in the bath - Yes.
.
.
and then you can look out on Madrid.
- Actually, you can't, no.
- Too low.
- No.
I can see the kettle.
- Yep.
- What a view.
It just looks like you're in a chest freezer from where I am.
Which can be relaxing.
Yep, I mean, that bath's over for me now.
Displaying a commitment to humanity that seems to have skipped a generation, I leave Ellie to explore her room solo.
Oh, wow.
It's like a spaceship hewn from .
.
rock.
But afore we bust, Ellie unilaterally decides to traverse the hotel's glass balcony, 13 floors north of terra firma.
Good view, bad floor.
Also, pretty sure people can see up my skirt, so I'll just hold it.
If you think my vertigo is going to stop me from exhorting you to join me on a whistle-stop tour of Madrid, you're almost right.
- Look down.
- Nope.
come on.
After three taps of the editor's space bar, we find ourselves outside a shop.
Violet sweets.
La Violeta, beloved of Spanish royalty, have been flinging out flower-shaped and flavoured sweets since 1915.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Hi.
This is the traditional ones, this is the sweets and this is the real flower covered in sugar.
- Thank you very much.
- You're welcome.
- Cheers.
- Ooh, they really are very violety.
- Yeah.
- Do you like violet? - Not really.
- OK, wrong shop.
- Well No, this is nice.
The old generation, they say that it brings them to their childhood.
- A Proustian rush.
- Yeah.
This is good.
My mother had a chocolate shop, and they sold violet creams, so I'm having my own Proustian rush.
Is that a true story? If it's not, it's one of the worst anecdotes I've ever told.
Ellie's laugh acts as auditory bridge into this frankly frenzied montage.
Violet mouse, it has chocolate in the middle.
Oh.
Mixed emotions about that.
Interesting.
I feel we ought to buy something, otherwise we're just literally standing in here and eating your produce.
- Would you like a box? - Sure.
- Two boxes of mixed sweets.
- OK.
Thank you.
As the hand doubles come in to do this wrapping sequence, we work up some leaving-the-shop bants.
- Thank you, beautiful.
- Thank you.
Have a good day.
And look at the height of the door.
It's really old.
How tall is the owner? We don't know.
With a shiz tonne of sugar in our systems, we sortie forth.
Madrid's galleries are well good.
You're going too quickly, we're meant to do it in unison.
No, like this.
But to deepen our insight even further, we hire a guide called Hernan who speaks as soon as this non-diegetic intrusion concludes.
Don Richard.
- Welcome to the Prado Museum.
- Ooh.
Oh, please.
We find ourselves to the rear of Spain's national gallery, the Del Prado.
Would you like to enjoy some of the masterpieces? - Sure.
- Yes, please.
Don Richard.
- Don Richard? - From now on, and you will address me as so, please.
After that poignant naming ceremony, we BOSCH some Hieronymus.
This titanic tryptic depicts heaven and the Garden of Eden on the left It's interesting, the connection between pink, house of God.
Thank you.
.
.
while the centre panel posits a post-Eden Earth, with people up to their guts in no-no juice - Those fellas caught in a shrimp? - Yeah, they are.
A dart to the right delineates the hellish consequences.
I feel like, in hell, people would be water-skiing.
Pig nun there, of course.
It's a bit like Where's Wally, isn't it? - You have to sort of look to find the pig nun.
- Right.
Found it! I win.
It's the work of a moment for us to behold a masterpiece conceived and completed on Spanish soil, Las Meninas by King Phillip IV's fave, Diego Velazquez.
Don't you have the impression that we could enter the room and walk and walk until the open door? You could climb in it, like in Harry Potter.
After that leading question, Hernan leads us to the canvas for a closer look.
Do you see a soft breeze blowing gentle the blonde hair of the princess? Yeah? I think that's a NO from Ellie.
Aesthetically elevated, we seek to slake our awakened thirst at the Centro de Arte Reina Sofia.
We pause to peruse the now-cancelled Picasso's cri de coeur, Guernica KLAXON BLARES Time's up for opinions.
.
.
before barrelling to this piece of business by Spanish surrealist and ant aficionado Salvador Dali.
What do you think, Ellie? I'm still thinking about the name.
Although Simon Cowell is turning that into a format.
What do you think, Richard? - Well, I find it a bit prog rock for me.
- Right.
It feels like a very long guitar solo.
Lest we eclipse the legacy of John Berger, we must take our leave of Hernan.
Bye-bye.
Oh.
It's been a pleasure.
I That was a very awkward handshake - because I came in.
- It was like a three-way.
- I actually in That became a pile up.
- It did.
That was like He's just left.
I think that is one of the worst farewells I've been a part of.
The next question sort of suggests itself.
Where do you stand on ham? I'm a big ham fan.
Relief gushes over me as if from a hose, for I have booked us a harm-carving masterclass for those of us who continue to love pork without boundaries.
British-born instructor Jago has lived in Iberia since childhood, but has never been able to shed his thick Newcastle accent.
Have you ever picked this up by the trotter and just Once, yeah, when the boss wasn't looking.
Of course you have.
You're alive.
Do you know, I lived with a girl who was quite a foodie and she got a leg of this delivered to our home, but we didn't have the glove, and I sliced my knuckle and I had to go to A&E, which is THE most middle-class injury I've ever had.
- Cut it there.
- It's healed well.
A couple stitches, yeah.
Thank you, I'm like Wolverine.
#SaveTheNHS.
During that moving exchange, the heartless Jago has sliced off the outer layer of fat.
Who wants to go first? Ellie, I think you should put what happened behind you and climb back on the leg.
Jago positions Ellie knee-side and begins to instruct.
And you want to keep it as flat as possible - Oh, this feels - Kind of short movements, yep.
This feels like the opening sequence to Casualty.
How long does it take to carve a whole leg? A good hand carver will get a leg carved in about an hour and a half.
- That's a perfect slice.
- Perfect slice.
You really are looking for something that's like a Frazzle.
How do you feel about Frazzles? I was only brought up in a small village in the south of Spain.
- Oh, my God.
- I'm about to blow your mind.
I don't know what a Frazzle is.
I'm distressed to discover our ruthless editor has cut out nearly all our #Frazzlebantzle.
Maize based.
Any newsagents will do you a pack of Frazzles, often three for a pound.
Oblivious of what's to come, I take the blade.
Is there a specific term for an expert ham carver? A maestro cortador.
Please.
You've got to carve 3,000 hams, though, to I'd happily carve 3,000 hams.
How long would that take me? One and a half Sorry to point.
- One and a half hours - With a knife.
.
.
per ham, six a day, and that's a long day.
- That's a big day.
- That's a big day of ham.
So, that's 500 days.
You've got to take some time off, you're not an animal.
- Two years of nine-hour ham-carving days to become a maestro.
- Yeah.
It's a brutal business.
But I am willing to put that time in.
I'm going to have to call my agent.
It is just so thrilling.
This has been a superb experience.
- I'm glad you've enjoyed it.
- Do you feel heeled? I feel heeled, thank you so much.
There is literally nothing more exhausting than slicing ham, so we head below to restore our aching arms.
What a spot! - It's surprising this table wasn't taken earlier.
- Yeah.
The tasting menu starts with bread.
- Still warm - Knew it.
.
.
from his thighs.
Followed by a hors d'oeuvres of ham.
Pretty good ham.
- Do you think this is ham we've carved? - No.
- Or have they swapped Absolutely, it's far too neat.
Next, pork tartare.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
So, it's rare.
I'm a bit worried about this.
It's a powerful flavour.
Yeah, it is.
There's lots of onion.
The same man is going to come back and he's going to ask how it was.
Yeah, we could say we're vegans.
Different wines accompany each course.
This is lunch.
Raw pork, then three cuts of medium rare pork.
That one is sirloin, that one is pluma, that one is presa.
- Enjoy it.
- Thank you very much.
- Thank you.
Wow.
These don't look especially cooked, I'll be honest.
No, they're not spending a lot on the gas.
I could do with a sauce or something.
- Bit of HP? - Yeah.
As my mother would say, "It just needs a bit of wet.
" What's the context that she'd normally say that? Just for food? - Just with food.
- OK.
I've got a gristly bit.
- A bit of gristle? - Oh, no, what do you do? I could just hawk it that way.
I think just gob it straight at the fourth wall.
And to close proceedings, slow-cooked pork cheek and pumpkin puree.
- Here we go.
- Wallop.
- Nice bit of wet? - At last.
- That is dense, really dense.
- It's another intense flavour.
- Yeah.
I feel like my soul is coming out through my stomach, and I have to pretend I have a soul for the purposes of that image.
- So, you know what I mean? - Yeah.
If you like meat, this is the motherlode.
- Finished? - Another excellent course.
- Thank you very much.
- Yeah, you like it? - Yes, it was great.
- Very good, thank you.
- Very rich.
- And so tender.
Yes, very tender, thank you.
- Now we could pretend to pay - Yeah.
- .
.
or we could just leave? I reckon just leave.
I think just leave.
Oh, it's going to be a slow walk out.
Like two pork spinning tops, we call this day what it is.
Should you make it back after the interruption, you will see an unprovoked attack This park's home to Madrid's oldest tree.
- Not the best fact I've ever heard.
- How dare you! .
.
an unhoused olive What are you I could just put it back on the counter, and see how she wants to deal with that.
.
.
and an alfresco hand-gesture workshop.
We can only imagine the conditions inside a medieval prison.
No Wi-Fi.
You rejoin comedian Ellie Taylor and I, Don Richard Ayoade - Winds picking up.
- It really is.
.
.
trapped for a second day in Madrid.
A reg top-ten feat in misc guides to Madrid is the Parque del Buen Retiro.
Cracking flower bed.
- Oh, yeah, they've really thought it through.
- Yeah.
I think they actually have gardeners.
And at its centre is a flipping lake.
It's a bit choppy, isn't it? - Are you sure this is a good idea? - No.
- OK.
I presume you're talking about the show? Despite the merciless gusts, I sense that Ellie is keen to row, allowing me to fact dump, hands free.
Do you know that this was originally the Spanish royal family's personal retreat? - This? - In 1680.
This park.
Oh, right.
It only opened to the public in the 18th century.
We've run aground.
There we go.
SHE LAUGHS - I think we've finished.
Just the cheque, please.
- Hang on.
- Thank you.
- OK, now go again.
- Yeah.
- Here we go.
- Don't stop it.
- That's better.
I was just confined, I just need space.
In a trice, Ellie oars us personfully past the monument to King Alfonso XII.
- Am I going to hit? - We can only apologise.
- I can't do anything.
- I can only apologise.
- Sorry, sorry.
- This is the first time I've used this rower.
- Sorry.
Listen, that was an Insta story that you've disrupted.
Sorry, if you put a filter on it, it'll be all right.
Lest we rouse the submerged ire of an armada of amateur boaters Oh, look at this, look at this.
The first collision I've intended.
.
.
we drift back to dock.
Oh, well, that happened.
We take advantage of the non-liquid surface and walk to the nearest nonsense.
If that was in a film, you'd go, "That was good extra work.
" Which, in this instance, is the Duck Church.
Stand up, please.
- We have to stand? - Yes, the Pope is coming.
Oh, good grief.
ELLIE LAUGHS ORGAN PLAYS CROWD SHOUTS Every week, 67-year-old Leo Bassi, a clown and third-generation circus performer, hosts an atheistic mass in this gaudy grotto.
Senoras y senores, welcome to the Quackolic Church.
Week two of Edinburgh.
- Es inofensivo - Oich.
Pope Leo's lamentations last a full 45 minutes.
La gente no es siempre These are just bits from my Ocado list This week covers the life and work of the artist El Greco and some frankly aggressive agitprop.
CROWD MOANS Dios! We want British people to feel that they are loved in Spain.
- British people can't feel love, that's why we're leaving.
- Hah! The mass climaxes with food dye.
AUDIENCE: Ooh! - AUDIENCE APPLAUDS - What a finale.
- Yes.
After dumping some phoney currency in the wicker, we repair, while the faithfully faithless linger.
Yeah.
- He seemed quite rambly.
- Very rambly.
Started in English and kept reverting to Spanish.
Can you imagine rambling in other languages, though? That's amazing! - Please.
- No? - We can all get Google Translate.
If you were to ask what time it is, the answer would be, "La Hora de Vermu," vermouth hour.
This fortified wine is a traditional post-church, pre-lunch sharpener.
It's straight underneath.
I have to go underneath? - Ah, ah! - I'm sorry.
Ooh, God.
So we lope into one of Madrid's multiple vermoutherias.
- Gracias.
- Right, that was very prompt.
This is wine with herbs and botanicals.
- Shall we try? - Sure, all right.
- Cheers.
OK, yeah, to better times.
That's like mulled wine, cold mulled wine.
No? It does feel a bit like somethingyou might gargle with.
I'm going to try some tortilla.
- Have some tortilla.
- Is that all right? I'm already feeling drowsy.
Will you be taking any of this home? Uh, it's a bit sloppy for my handbag.
I'm talking about the vermouth.
Oh, right.
ErmI don't know.
Well, I'm pleased you've considered that.
Sodden with the stuff, we stagger to find the person in Madrid who looks most like a highwayman.
Ladies and gentlemen, we are going to relive some of the most terrifying moments of that holy tribunal, the Inquisition.
Like the man with the ham, our guide Elizabeth was born in England, and is yet to shake her strong Bristolian brogue.
Now, have you heard talk of the Spanish Inquisition at all? I mainly think of the Monty Python sketch, but sure.
Yeah, I do that too, yeah.
The heavily-introverted Elizabeth leads us to Madrid's main square, on whose cobbles unfortunate prisoners of the Inquisition met their diverse ends.
Hangings, beheadings, strangulations and, depending on the punishments that were carried out, scaffolding was erected in different places around the square.
It goes to show there's always work in scaffolding.
- And would they all happen on the same day? Is it like? - Yes.
- Like a sort of - Yes, it's - Like a farmers' market of being killed.
This was in a time before Netflix, this was a form of social entertainment.
I don't even want to think about those times.
Elizabeth nudges us to the Plaza de la Cruz Verde, where those suspected by the Inquisition had their names posted on crosses covered in ivy.
And sometimes the large green crosses were found demolished and nobody ever really knew whether it was the strong winds which whipped the city or the souls of the falsely accused.
Or foxes.
We run at full speed past the Royal Palace on the way to the Inquisition's former headquarters, where confessions would be extracted with monstrous cruelty.
- Ellie.
- Yes, Elizabeth? Do you know why you've been arrested? Is it cos I've got such a peng dress? There was an instrument of torture known as the pear.
Oh, God, where's this - literally - where is this going? 8.
30 broadcast, just to remind you.
Despite warnings, Elizabeth goes on to describe where the pear went and what it did when it was there.
And if you have a moment to leave us a review on TripAdvisor Please.
Get me to a smartphone.
- This way.
- OK.
For a moment, I thought she was going to end with a song.
With our 48 hours almost spent, we must mull Madrid's merits.
So we ascend to the windswept balcony of the Palacio de Cibeles to do just that.
As the clouds gather ominously behind me, tell me of your highlights.
Pig? - Pig.
- Pig.
- Pig, eating it? - Yeah.
- Carving it? - All of it.
We saw art.
We did see the art.
I was surprised how much I enjoyed all of that.
I'm not really an art gallery kind of person - but I think having an expert there - Thank you.
SHE LAUGHS - .
.
made the real difference.
- It did.
How do you feel about the Duck Pope? I don't I just don't.
- I don't feel he - So many .
.
summed up life's mysteries, really.
Very confusing.
- Ellie Taylor.
- Yes? Would you come back to Madrid in your private life? I think I would, you know, yes.
So would you come back to Madrid? Never.
Under no circumstances.
But those reasons are entirely private.
OK.
It's been a pleasure, thank you for coming here.
Thanks for having me.
It's speedy boarding time, - back that way? - Sure.
How in shiz can a sister get on point, without getting peeved? But do not let salt tears soak your bosom for I, the captain of Chaf Richard Ayoade, am here to get your tiny trips crisp.
Belted to a bushel of exhausted entertainers, I'm going to globally gob off.
This is travel without mercy.
Tonight, 48 hours maxin' but not relaxin' in Madrid.
More than 6 mill saps per ann visit the Spanish capital, compelled by the combo of plazas, palaces, paintings, pastimes and piggy bits.
Joining me to inveigle our way through Iberia is comedian Ellie Taylor.
- Pink to make the boys wink.
- Thank you.
Together, we will force a dignified man to talk penis What's the ears with the knife about? Castration.
.
.
tell of things that you people would scarce believe I've seen people fighting with ham bones.
That's a Danny Dyer documentary I want to see.
.
.
and just shoot the shiz.
Do you think you could eat human, if you had to? You're presuming I haven't.
We're here, but should we have come? Si! - Thank you for that.
- Gracias.
- It's nice to bring in the language.
Molto bene.
Ciao.
OK, diminishing returns.
A two-and-a-half-hour flight, a tube train transfer and some toilet time in the recent past, we power through Atocha station, Madrid's largest terminus.
This opened for business 9th of Feb, 1851, Atocha Station.
Botanical gardens only put in 1992, 7,000 square metres.
SHE WHISTLES Just missing a T-Rex.
In 2015, 108.
6 million people came through here, Ellie.
- Sweet.
Is that why you brought me to Madrid? - Amongst other reasons.
Mad-to-the-drid's orig 865 AD AKA was Meres, meaning plenty of water ways.
After approx 600 wasted years, King Felipe II made it capital of Spain in 1561, a title it grips to its breast even now.
Madrid's citizens are known as Madrilenos or Gatos.
And some of the cats who've crossed its cobbles in Almodovar, Bardem, Cruz-comma-P and two gens of Iglesiases.
Madrid is the highest capital in Europe, as well as quartering the largest royal palace and oldest restaurant in the world.
But, unfortunately, it is also one of the sunniest cities in Europe.
Travellers grimly gripping their guilder could command the full 48 in Madrid for 291 GBP, Scarcely enough wad to bunk at the Hotel Silken Puerta America.
Why are people writing on buildings now inspirational quotes? What's your favourite inspirational quote? Better out than in.
SHE LAUGHS - Good morning.
- Good morning.
- Welcome to Hotel Puerta America here in Madrid.
- Gracias.
- Thank you.
- It's your first time? - Si.
- Yes.
This dump has taken the designer hotel and doubled down, hiring 19 different architects and designers to dream up both its car park and its 13 floors.
The first one.
- Oh.
- Oh! - Norm.
Come on, you can do better than that.
- These lads, well done.
- Oh, gosh.
Industrial! They've done BBC Television Centre.
Or just a bit like Dixons.
Ooh, well.
What's the theme of this floor, Knight Rider? - The show in the '80s.
- Oh, OK.
Do you mind me coming to look at your room, by the way? - Well, I'd rather you didn't but seeing as - Oh, I followed you.
- Yeah.
- Oooh.
Oh.
Ah, here we go, what a view.
Your suit is exactly the same colour as lots of the buildings here.
Yes.
And blood mixed with ice cream.
This suite was envisioned and actioned by Jean Nouvel.
Its moveable screens allow guests to waste their time.
I don't know how I feel about baths in rooms.
- But you can sit in the bath - Yes.
.
.
and then you can look out on Madrid.
- Actually, you can't, no.
- Too low.
- No.
I can see the kettle.
- Yep.
- What a view.
It just looks like you're in a chest freezer from where I am.
Which can be relaxing.
Yep, I mean, that bath's over for me now.
Displaying a commitment to humanity that seems to have skipped a generation, I leave Ellie to explore her room solo.
Oh, wow.
It's like a spaceship hewn from .
.
rock.
But afore we bust, Ellie unilaterally decides to traverse the hotel's glass balcony, 13 floors north of terra firma.
Good view, bad floor.
Also, pretty sure people can see up my skirt, so I'll just hold it.
If you think my vertigo is going to stop me from exhorting you to join me on a whistle-stop tour of Madrid, you're almost right.
- Look down.
- Nope.
come on.
After three taps of the editor's space bar, we find ourselves outside a shop.
Violet sweets.
La Violeta, beloved of Spanish royalty, have been flinging out flower-shaped and flavoured sweets since 1915.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Hi.
This is the traditional ones, this is the sweets and this is the real flower covered in sugar.
- Thank you very much.
- You're welcome.
- Cheers.
- Ooh, they really are very violety.
- Yeah.
- Do you like violet? - Not really.
- OK, wrong shop.
- Well No, this is nice.
The old generation, they say that it brings them to their childhood.
- A Proustian rush.
- Yeah.
This is good.
My mother had a chocolate shop, and they sold violet creams, so I'm having my own Proustian rush.
Is that a true story? If it's not, it's one of the worst anecdotes I've ever told.
Ellie's laugh acts as auditory bridge into this frankly frenzied montage.
Violet mouse, it has chocolate in the middle.
Oh.
Mixed emotions about that.
Interesting.
I feel we ought to buy something, otherwise we're just literally standing in here and eating your produce.
- Would you like a box? - Sure.
- Two boxes of mixed sweets.
- OK.
Thank you.
As the hand doubles come in to do this wrapping sequence, we work up some leaving-the-shop bants.
- Thank you, beautiful.
- Thank you.
Have a good day.
And look at the height of the door.
It's really old.
How tall is the owner? We don't know.
With a shiz tonne of sugar in our systems, we sortie forth.
Madrid's galleries are well good.
You're going too quickly, we're meant to do it in unison.
No, like this.
But to deepen our insight even further, we hire a guide called Hernan who speaks as soon as this non-diegetic intrusion concludes.
Don Richard.
- Welcome to the Prado Museum.
- Ooh.
Oh, please.
We find ourselves to the rear of Spain's national gallery, the Del Prado.
Would you like to enjoy some of the masterpieces? - Sure.
- Yes, please.
Don Richard.
- Don Richard? - From now on, and you will address me as so, please.
After that poignant naming ceremony, we BOSCH some Hieronymus.
This titanic tryptic depicts heaven and the Garden of Eden on the left It's interesting, the connection between pink, house of God.
Thank you.
.
.
while the centre panel posits a post-Eden Earth, with people up to their guts in no-no juice - Those fellas caught in a shrimp? - Yeah, they are.
A dart to the right delineates the hellish consequences.
I feel like, in hell, people would be water-skiing.
Pig nun there, of course.
It's a bit like Where's Wally, isn't it? - You have to sort of look to find the pig nun.
- Right.
Found it! I win.
It's the work of a moment for us to behold a masterpiece conceived and completed on Spanish soil, Las Meninas by King Phillip IV's fave, Diego Velazquez.
Don't you have the impression that we could enter the room and walk and walk until the open door? You could climb in it, like in Harry Potter.
After that leading question, Hernan leads us to the canvas for a closer look.
Do you see a soft breeze blowing gentle the blonde hair of the princess? Yeah? I think that's a NO from Ellie.
Aesthetically elevated, we seek to slake our awakened thirst at the Centro de Arte Reina Sofia.
We pause to peruse the now-cancelled Picasso's cri de coeur, Guernica KLAXON BLARES Time's up for opinions.
.
.
before barrelling to this piece of business by Spanish surrealist and ant aficionado Salvador Dali.
What do you think, Ellie? I'm still thinking about the name.
Although Simon Cowell is turning that into a format.
What do you think, Richard? - Well, I find it a bit prog rock for me.
- Right.
It feels like a very long guitar solo.
Lest we eclipse the legacy of John Berger, we must take our leave of Hernan.
Bye-bye.
Oh.
It's been a pleasure.
I That was a very awkward handshake - because I came in.
- It was like a three-way.
- I actually in That became a pile up.
- It did.
That was like He's just left.
I think that is one of the worst farewells I've been a part of.
The next question sort of suggests itself.
Where do you stand on ham? I'm a big ham fan.
Relief gushes over me as if from a hose, for I have booked us a harm-carving masterclass for those of us who continue to love pork without boundaries.
British-born instructor Jago has lived in Iberia since childhood, but has never been able to shed his thick Newcastle accent.
Have you ever picked this up by the trotter and just Once, yeah, when the boss wasn't looking.
Of course you have.
You're alive.
Do you know, I lived with a girl who was quite a foodie and she got a leg of this delivered to our home, but we didn't have the glove, and I sliced my knuckle and I had to go to A&E, which is THE most middle-class injury I've ever had.
- Cut it there.
- It's healed well.
A couple stitches, yeah.
Thank you, I'm like Wolverine.
#SaveTheNHS.
During that moving exchange, the heartless Jago has sliced off the outer layer of fat.
Who wants to go first? Ellie, I think you should put what happened behind you and climb back on the leg.
Jago positions Ellie knee-side and begins to instruct.
And you want to keep it as flat as possible - Oh, this feels - Kind of short movements, yep.
This feels like the opening sequence to Casualty.
How long does it take to carve a whole leg? A good hand carver will get a leg carved in about an hour and a half.
- That's a perfect slice.
- Perfect slice.
You really are looking for something that's like a Frazzle.
How do you feel about Frazzles? I was only brought up in a small village in the south of Spain.
- Oh, my God.
- I'm about to blow your mind.
I don't know what a Frazzle is.
I'm distressed to discover our ruthless editor has cut out nearly all our #Frazzlebantzle.
Maize based.
Any newsagents will do you a pack of Frazzles, often three for a pound.
Oblivious of what's to come, I take the blade.
Is there a specific term for an expert ham carver? A maestro cortador.
Please.
You've got to carve 3,000 hams, though, to I'd happily carve 3,000 hams.
How long would that take me? One and a half Sorry to point.
- One and a half hours - With a knife.
.
.
per ham, six a day, and that's a long day.
- That's a big day.
- That's a big day of ham.
So, that's 500 days.
You've got to take some time off, you're not an animal.
- Two years of nine-hour ham-carving days to become a maestro.
- Yeah.
It's a brutal business.
But I am willing to put that time in.
I'm going to have to call my agent.
It is just so thrilling.
This has been a superb experience.
- I'm glad you've enjoyed it.
- Do you feel heeled? I feel heeled, thank you so much.
There is literally nothing more exhausting than slicing ham, so we head below to restore our aching arms.
What a spot! - It's surprising this table wasn't taken earlier.
- Yeah.
The tasting menu starts with bread.
- Still warm - Knew it.
.
.
from his thighs.
Followed by a hors d'oeuvres of ham.
Pretty good ham.
- Do you think this is ham we've carved? - No.
- Or have they swapped Absolutely, it's far too neat.
Next, pork tartare.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
So, it's rare.
I'm a bit worried about this.
It's a powerful flavour.
Yeah, it is.
There's lots of onion.
The same man is going to come back and he's going to ask how it was.
Yeah, we could say we're vegans.
Different wines accompany each course.
This is lunch.
Raw pork, then three cuts of medium rare pork.
That one is sirloin, that one is pluma, that one is presa.
- Enjoy it.
- Thank you very much.
- Thank you.
Wow.
These don't look especially cooked, I'll be honest.
No, they're not spending a lot on the gas.
I could do with a sauce or something.
- Bit of HP? - Yeah.
As my mother would say, "It just needs a bit of wet.
" What's the context that she'd normally say that? Just for food? - Just with food.
- OK.
I've got a gristly bit.
- A bit of gristle? - Oh, no, what do you do? I could just hawk it that way.
I think just gob it straight at the fourth wall.
And to close proceedings, slow-cooked pork cheek and pumpkin puree.
- Here we go.
- Wallop.
- Nice bit of wet? - At last.
- That is dense, really dense.
- It's another intense flavour.
- Yeah.
I feel like my soul is coming out through my stomach, and I have to pretend I have a soul for the purposes of that image.
- So, you know what I mean? - Yeah.
If you like meat, this is the motherlode.
- Finished? - Another excellent course.
- Thank you very much.
- Yeah, you like it? - Yes, it was great.
- Very good, thank you.
- Very rich.
- And so tender.
Yes, very tender, thank you.
- Now we could pretend to pay - Yeah.
- .
.
or we could just leave? I reckon just leave.
I think just leave.
Oh, it's going to be a slow walk out.
Like two pork spinning tops, we call this day what it is.
Should you make it back after the interruption, you will see an unprovoked attack This park's home to Madrid's oldest tree.
- Not the best fact I've ever heard.
- How dare you! .
.
an unhoused olive What are you I could just put it back on the counter, and see how she wants to deal with that.
.
.
and an alfresco hand-gesture workshop.
We can only imagine the conditions inside a medieval prison.
No Wi-Fi.
You rejoin comedian Ellie Taylor and I, Don Richard Ayoade - Winds picking up.
- It really is.
.
.
trapped for a second day in Madrid.
A reg top-ten feat in misc guides to Madrid is the Parque del Buen Retiro.
Cracking flower bed.
- Oh, yeah, they've really thought it through.
- Yeah.
I think they actually have gardeners.
And at its centre is a flipping lake.
It's a bit choppy, isn't it? - Are you sure this is a good idea? - No.
- OK.
I presume you're talking about the show? Despite the merciless gusts, I sense that Ellie is keen to row, allowing me to fact dump, hands free.
Do you know that this was originally the Spanish royal family's personal retreat? - This? - In 1680.
This park.
Oh, right.
It only opened to the public in the 18th century.
We've run aground.
There we go.
SHE LAUGHS - I think we've finished.
Just the cheque, please.
- Hang on.
- Thank you.
- OK, now go again.
- Yeah.
- Here we go.
- Don't stop it.
- That's better.
I was just confined, I just need space.
In a trice, Ellie oars us personfully past the monument to King Alfonso XII.
- Am I going to hit? - We can only apologise.
- I can't do anything.
- I can only apologise.
- Sorry, sorry.
- This is the first time I've used this rower.
- Sorry.
Listen, that was an Insta story that you've disrupted.
Sorry, if you put a filter on it, it'll be all right.
Lest we rouse the submerged ire of an armada of amateur boaters Oh, look at this, look at this.
The first collision I've intended.
.
.
we drift back to dock.
Oh, well, that happened.
We take advantage of the non-liquid surface and walk to the nearest nonsense.
If that was in a film, you'd go, "That was good extra work.
" Which, in this instance, is the Duck Church.
Stand up, please.
- We have to stand? - Yes, the Pope is coming.
Oh, good grief.
ELLIE LAUGHS ORGAN PLAYS CROWD SHOUTS Every week, 67-year-old Leo Bassi, a clown and third-generation circus performer, hosts an atheistic mass in this gaudy grotto.
Senoras y senores, welcome to the Quackolic Church.
Week two of Edinburgh.
- Es inofensivo - Oich.
Pope Leo's lamentations last a full 45 minutes.
La gente no es siempre These are just bits from my Ocado list This week covers the life and work of the artist El Greco and some frankly aggressive agitprop.
CROWD MOANS Dios! We want British people to feel that they are loved in Spain.
- British people can't feel love, that's why we're leaving.
- Hah! The mass climaxes with food dye.
AUDIENCE: Ooh! - AUDIENCE APPLAUDS - What a finale.
- Yes.
After dumping some phoney currency in the wicker, we repair, while the faithfully faithless linger.
Yeah.
- He seemed quite rambly.
- Very rambly.
Started in English and kept reverting to Spanish.
Can you imagine rambling in other languages, though? That's amazing! - Please.
- No? - We can all get Google Translate.
If you were to ask what time it is, the answer would be, "La Hora de Vermu," vermouth hour.
This fortified wine is a traditional post-church, pre-lunch sharpener.
It's straight underneath.
I have to go underneath? - Ah, ah! - I'm sorry.
Ooh, God.
So we lope into one of Madrid's multiple vermoutherias.
- Gracias.
- Right, that was very prompt.
This is wine with herbs and botanicals.
- Shall we try? - Sure, all right.
- Cheers.
OK, yeah, to better times.
That's like mulled wine, cold mulled wine.
No? It does feel a bit like somethingyou might gargle with.
I'm going to try some tortilla.
- Have some tortilla.
- Is that all right? I'm already feeling drowsy.
Will you be taking any of this home? Uh, it's a bit sloppy for my handbag.
I'm talking about the vermouth.
Oh, right.
ErmI don't know.
Well, I'm pleased you've considered that.
Sodden with the stuff, we stagger to find the person in Madrid who looks most like a highwayman.
Ladies and gentlemen, we are going to relive some of the most terrifying moments of that holy tribunal, the Inquisition.
Like the man with the ham, our guide Elizabeth was born in England, and is yet to shake her strong Bristolian brogue.
Now, have you heard talk of the Spanish Inquisition at all? I mainly think of the Monty Python sketch, but sure.
Yeah, I do that too, yeah.
The heavily-introverted Elizabeth leads us to Madrid's main square, on whose cobbles unfortunate prisoners of the Inquisition met their diverse ends.
Hangings, beheadings, strangulations and, depending on the punishments that were carried out, scaffolding was erected in different places around the square.
It goes to show there's always work in scaffolding.
- And would they all happen on the same day? Is it like? - Yes.
- Like a sort of - Yes, it's - Like a farmers' market of being killed.
This was in a time before Netflix, this was a form of social entertainment.
I don't even want to think about those times.
Elizabeth nudges us to the Plaza de la Cruz Verde, where those suspected by the Inquisition had their names posted on crosses covered in ivy.
And sometimes the large green crosses were found demolished and nobody ever really knew whether it was the strong winds which whipped the city or the souls of the falsely accused.
Or foxes.
We run at full speed past the Royal Palace on the way to the Inquisition's former headquarters, where confessions would be extracted with monstrous cruelty.
- Ellie.
- Yes, Elizabeth? Do you know why you've been arrested? Is it cos I've got such a peng dress? There was an instrument of torture known as the pear.
Oh, God, where's this - literally - where is this going? 8.
30 broadcast, just to remind you.
Despite warnings, Elizabeth goes on to describe where the pear went and what it did when it was there.
And if you have a moment to leave us a review on TripAdvisor Please.
Get me to a smartphone.
- This way.
- OK.
For a moment, I thought she was going to end with a song.
With our 48 hours almost spent, we must mull Madrid's merits.
So we ascend to the windswept balcony of the Palacio de Cibeles to do just that.
As the clouds gather ominously behind me, tell me of your highlights.
Pig? - Pig.
- Pig.
- Pig, eating it? - Yeah.
- Carving it? - All of it.
We saw art.
We did see the art.
I was surprised how much I enjoyed all of that.
I'm not really an art gallery kind of person - but I think having an expert there - Thank you.
SHE LAUGHS - .
.
made the real difference.
- It did.
How do you feel about the Duck Pope? I don't I just don't.
- I don't feel he - So many .
.
summed up life's mysteries, really.
Very confusing.
- Ellie Taylor.
- Yes? Would you come back to Madrid in your private life? I think I would, you know, yes.
So would you come back to Madrid? Never.
Under no circumstances.
But those reasons are entirely private.
OK.
It's been a pleasure, thank you for coming here.
Thanks for having me.
It's speedy boarding time, - back that way? - Sure.