8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown (2012) s10e05 Episode Script
David Mitchell, Joe Wilkinson, Roisin Conaty, Tom Allen
1 This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, Jon Richardson Joe Wilkinson David Mitchell Roisin Conaty Tom Allen Susie Dent and Rachel Riley.
Now welcome your host, Jimmy Carr! CHEERING Hello, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
Did you know, for example, the Egyptian hieroglyphic for one million is a man with his arms outstretched.
When you think about it, hieroglyphics were the original emojis.
Dog face, Ra face, #NiceNefertitties.
Oceanographers have recorded dolphins having conversations in their own dolphin language.
They've been trying for ages, and then suddenly it just clicked.
"Foca" is a Spanish word for a fat person and literally translates as seal.
It can be used in such phrases as, "Look at my Spanish friend Jose, he's a right fat foca.
" Right, let's get started.
OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's Jon Richardson.
CHEERING Jon was born in Lancaster, which is about three miles east of Morecambe, 20 miles north of Preston, and 50 years behind London.
Joining Jon tonight, it's David Mitchell.
CHEERING Looking at David and Jon together there, just turn back the clock 30 years and you've got every bully's dream.
Interestingly as well, 30 years ago, I was 3 years old, so that's a pretty harsh bully.
Yes, I was.
Up against them this evening, it's special guest team captain, Joe Wilkinson.
CHEERING Joe Wilkinson is not only one of this country's finest comedians, he's also one of Britain's leading hedgehog sanctuaries.
I don't think that's not true.
Joining Joe tonight, it's Roisin Conaty.
CHEERING Having Roisin on Countdown is a real no-brainer because, well, let's just leave it there, shall we? Roisin, you've not covered yourself in glory in the past on this show.
Tonight you're paired with Joe.
- Do you think you're going to do any better? - Yeah.
I reckon it's our turn.
It's our time, isn't it? Are you shit at this? - I need a bit more time.
It's a time problem.
- Right.
I can spellover days.
It doesn't really go in turns.
What do you mean? - Well, it's not your turn, really.
- Well, it is my turn.
Well, that's sort of Darwinism JOE: Shut up, you square.
Sorry, you're going to have to clarify which square you're talking to.
We're being bullied by the Hedgehog Sanctuary.
David, how would you celebrate if you win tonight? Sorry.
David, how will you celebrate when you win tonight? I I don't think I will.
- You won't celebrate? - I don't think I'll see it as much of an achievement.
Yeah, OK.
- We've got a plan.
- Yeah.
- What's your plan? Written down the alphabet.
Bring the thunder! We're in it to win it tonight.
We're not mucking about.
Yeah.
Or second.
Whatever.
Joe, what's your idea of a romantic date? EhChicken Kiev, chips and peas.
I always think you can tell when a date isn't going well when the other person deliberately licks an electric fence.
I shouldn't have taken her to that abattoir.
Which one should you have taken her to? Well, it's a second date thing, innit? OK, Jon, you're generally quite a calm man.
What was the last thing that got you really angry? I saw a guy yesterday eating cashew nuts.
Sorry, how are you pronouncing the word before "nuts"? Ca-SHEW nuts.
- CAshew nuts? - You're doing it a bit too like a sneeze.
CaSHEW, CAshew.
- CaSHEW nuts.
- CaSHEW.
- Bless you.
CAshew.
Sorry, you were annoyed by a man-eating caSHEW nuts.
Yeah, I hate seeing people eat healthily out, because it depresses me about what I'm doing with my life.
He was, like, out.
So it wasn't like you were at home - you know you have a healthy tea every third day? You think, "Oh, I better have some broccoli so I don't die.
" He was out.
I could have a Lion bar or some Monster Munch.
He had, however-you-say-them nuts.
Oh, God, what a depressing world.
At Surbiton Station eating caSHEW nuts in the afternoon.
CaSHEW?! CAshew.
He was eating walnuts.
He was eating a box of pi-stachios.
I tried to eat a Chocolate Orange whole once.
I got it in my mouth and I had to wait six days for it to melt.
- OK.
Roisin, have you got a mascot? - Yes.
So my mascot is something I find very lucky in life, all the time.
I always get lucky when I have champagne.
So this is something that's very close to my heart.
It's a really big, unopen bottle of champagne.
Who does that to the top of a bottle of champagne? Yeah, so it's a thing I find I get luckier, everyone gets luckier.
Champagne for my real friends.
Real pain for my sham friends, and all that.
- Yeah, it's my mascot.
- OK, David, have you got a mascot this evening? - Yes.
- What have you got? I've got these.
Because I thought if I brought these that it would allow other people to make sexual jokes.
I don't feel very comfortable making sexual jokes myself, I'm a bit repressed.
I just find it very awkward.
But I know people enjoy sexual jokes and I thought I would contribute in a way by bringing these, and then it's an opportunity for other people to go, "Oh, I expect, I don't know, you were wearing them and being fucked.
" Jimmy, I thought this would be a wonderful opportunity, because you love making sexual jokes.
- I do.
I do love making sexual jokes.
- So, please, say a sexual thing.
Don't worry, Jimmy, I've brought my lucky anal beads.
OK, Jon, have you got a mascot? - Yes, I've developed, Jimmy, a game within a game.
- Ooh.
What do we write our answers on here? - Paper.
- Paper, yes.
What do you do with the paper when you've finished? Leave it on the desk.
Not any more, Joe! I've brought my spangly hoop.
Oh, God.
This is my hoop.
What I'd like is that at the end of each round, when all the paper is ready to go, that you try and put your waste in my hoop.
I'm going to place the hoop out in the What's that, the nether world? I think it's a pond.
You don't Are you going ice skating? OK.
- How did you do that? - I know, I was there and now I'm here now.
Right, OK.
- I want some sort of momentum so I'm sliding.
- Go over the middle.
I'd go around, if I were you.
No, no, you can go over.
Starsky & Hutch it, come on.
Oh, my God.
So, at the end of each round, you will be invited to throw your paper into my hoop.
If you get the paper into the hoop, I will eat one of these disgusting foods which I have brought along, and you get to choose.
- Here we have There's a spoonful of wasabi paste.
- Ooh.
There's a lemon there, I'll bite into that.
There's some chillies.
Don't play down the chillies, mate.
"Chillies, forget those.
" That's all you're eating.
Chilli, chilli, chilli.
I didn't actually bring this one.
That's your packed lunch that you've brought.
There's a raw onion in there, there's some butter, and there's half a pint of cottage cheese.
Well, Jon, we look forward to playing that later.
Joe, have you got a mascot? - Yeah.
- What have you got? I brought along one of my Countdown Russian doll sets that I've painted.
What's going on there?! As you can see, Jimmy, you are the main Russian doll.
You're in one of your swanky suits, but, as you can see, you've pulled your trousers down and you've pushed your testicles out the side of your So Inside Jimmy is Rachel.
As you can see, Rachel is holding some toilet rolls under her arm, because she steals the toilet roll after the show when she's pissed up.
Inside Rachel is Susie.
As we all know, Susie is a pervert.
Bit of a Peeping Tom, that's why she's wearing some binoculars and she's holding a Polaroid camera.
The reason she's holding a Polaroid camera is because she does this thing where she'll kick your dressing room door down and try and take a picture of you when you're changing.
I've spoken to HR, but they're scared of her temper.
Then, finally, is Jon.
You've done a life-size Jon.
Yeah, I feel that one is sort of self-explanatory.
As you can see, he's in his dinosaur pyjamas because he struggles to get adult clothes to fit him.
Joe's Russian dolls, everyone.
OK, over in Dictionary Corner, it's Tom Allen.
CHEERING Oh, hello.
Hello.
Evening.
Tom says he used to dress in Victorian clothing as a teenager to disguise the fact he was gay.
Yeah, Tom, that'll throw them off the scent.
- Worked.
- Tom, tell me about your love life.
How's it all going? That's a very personal question, actually, Jimmy.
But recently I've been dumped, but it's fine, it's fine.
It was a mutual decision for him to dump me.
No, we both sort of realised it wasn't working.
Unfortunately, we realised at different times.
He realised some weeks before.
I realised when he told me.
But it's fine, it's fine.
You know, good things have been happening.
I've got one of these things now, which tells me how my heart's doing.
Yes, still broken.
AUDIENCE: Aw No! Don't patronise me! No, it's fine.
It's fine.
I'll come on the show.
It's fine, I'm happy.
LAUGHTER OK, with Tom, of course, is Susie Dent.
Susie has written 14 books about the derivations of words.
You can find them all in your local library.
Just ask for the Sleepy Go Bye-Bye section.
OK, Susie, what have you been looking into recently? Other than glory holes.
Out of nowhere.
Em The most unnecessary joke.
Sorry, Susie.
OK.
No, what have you been looking into recently? I think this is all the effect of my having brought these.
No, I've been looking into the language of doctors, which is quite interesting.
- OK.
- Things like, em, brothel sprouts.
Brothel sprouts? You know doctors have these ridiculous names, the black humour, sick humour to try and keep the horrible stuff at bay, so brothel sprouts are basically genital warts.
Sorry Don't look at me.
Em, yes Really, I can't.
I'm just thinking glory hole and I OK.
In charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley.
CHEERING If you had to be stuck in a lift with any one of us, who would it be? Em, I think it would probably be Joe.
Yes! It looks like he's been confined and escaped from somewhere before.
OK, tonight the prize the teams will be competing for is this - the Countdown unicorn.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, let's Countdown, everyone.
Time for the first game.
Joe, Roisin, you get the first pick of the letters.
Could I have a couple of good 'uns? I'll go for N I And then a P? I want P, I want P! And then a consonant.
Yeah, one of them.
L And then a vowel, please.
U Consonant, please.
W Ah, these are horseshit.
Give us a cheeky I.
Yeah, yeah.
What do we need a? E That'll do.
That's an E, love.
Consonant.
D And then a vowel, please.
And O OK, and for the first time today, here's the Countdown clock.
WHIRRING LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Does anyone want candyfloss? - Yes.
- OK.
One for me.
Roisin, how many letters? Five.
I feel like one of the Simpsons.
- There you go.
- Thank you very much.
Joe, how many letters? Seven.
- No, how many letters did you get? - Five.
Jon, how many? Seven.
David? I think I've got a seven.
OK, Roisin? - WIRED.
- OK.
Joe, your five? I've got a risky seven.
Nah, it's horseshit.
It's not even close.
That's not a word, is it? - Yeah, it is.
- All right, seven.
UNLOWER UNLOWER.
Susie, UNLOWER? Ehno.
Jon, your seven? JON MUMBLES Sorry, what was that? MUMBLING: REWOUND.
- REWOUND? - JOE: That's probably a word.
Yeah, it is, yeah.
Ah, fo Roisin, you've annihilated that.
When did you eat that? You don't give me food and expect it to last.
That's why I've got massive teeth.
OK, David, your seven? UNWIRED - Susie? - Yeah, it's in the dictionary.
- GASPING - Are you shitting me? You can't be serious.
UNWIRED is a word?! I'm not allowed UNLOWER? DAVID: The rationale, I think, is that UNLOWER isn't a word and UNWIRED is a word.
Oh, use your facts, mate.
OK, 7 points to Jon and David.
- Tom, Susie, could they have done any better? - Mm-hmm.
- No, well, seven - No, they could have done the same.
Yeah, more sevens.
DOWNIER is there.
One for Joe, WEIRDO.
Bless you.
It's time for a round of In My Hoop.
- Yes.
- Oh, lovely.
Ooh.
A lovely little round of In My Hoop.
The good thing is I've just eaten all of that candyfloss, so I'm definitely going to puke if you get one in.
OK, all right, so on three, everyone.
ROISIN: Are we doing it all together? One, two, three.
Yes! - Chilli! Chilli! - APPLAUSE I can open the champagne.
If Jon eats a chilli, we get champagne.
Joe, I think you get to choose what he eats.
Butter.
I'm going to make you eat butter.
- Don't go for butter.
Chilli.
- Let's go chilli.
Chilli.
- Chilli, Joe.
- All right, chilli.
Yeah, cos that's Choose a big one, choose a big one.
Yeah, choose a big one.
Choose a nice, big one.
Stick it in wasabi.
There you go.
Stick that.
CRUNCHING LAUGHTER Here come the liquid stools.
The sad bit is this isn't even the worst bit.
There'll be no cameras on tomorrow.
Oh I don't think there's water.
There's no water involved here.
Oh, for God's sake! He's a human being! LAUGHTER Oh, that's been really good, wasn't it, watching him do that? Let's have some champagne.
OK, so, at the end of that, Jon and David are in the lead with seven points.
Will you, for the love of God, pour that fucking champagne? OK, I'm not allowed to let it spill so I'm being very - CORK POPS - Ah! Shit! - Tell me you're doing it.
- Sorry.
- Oh, hello.
- ROISIN MOANS Well, it's just all foam for him.
David, that's for you.
Right, this is going to take ages.
OK, on to our first numbers round.
Jon, David, your turn to pick the numbers.
I'm tempted to say "All from the bottom", but I think that's my chilli speaking.
One from the top and any other four, please.
JON: And then another.
RACHEL: And a bonus one.
The bonus one is DAVID: 1.
Oh, the worst number.
9.
The ninth worst number.
I hate 7.
- Brilliant(!) - How do you feel about 5? 5.
5 actually is a favourite of mine.
5 gold rings.
Good.
100! OK, and your time starts now.
So, the target was 226.
- Roisin? - Start at the other end.
I'm about to.
- David, did you get it? - I didn't, no.
What did you get? I didn't get one.
You've written it.
I've written 226, but that was based on that 226.
The other numbers I've written down are 100, 5, 3, 7, 9 and 1.
Of those numbers, the closest to 226 is 100.
OK, Jon, did you get it? CROAKILY: Yeah.
Sorry, what's happened to your voice? CROAKILY: Yeah, I got it, mate.
Joe, did you get it? Yeah.
- Joe, did you get it, though? - No.
What did you get, Joe? I got 227, but there's absolutely no need to do the workings out.
OK, Roisin, did you get it? I don't know.
No, she didn't.
- I might have.
- No, you haven't.
How do you think you might have got it? 3 x 100 Yeah.
And Oh.
Oh, oh, I don't.
OK.
Jon, how did you get it? 100 + 9 + 1 + 3 Oh, that's what I was going to do.
x 7 - 5 For the 2 226, 10 points to Jon.
APPLAUSE OK, the scores at the moment.
Joe and Roisin have no points.
Jon and David are on 17.
APPLAUSE Here is your teaser.
The words are IDLE BLOW.
The clue is - give it a puff.
That's IDLE BLOW, give it a puff.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - The words were IDLE BLOW, the clue was - give it a puff.
It was, of course, BILLOWED.
So, Jon and David are in the lead.
They have been playing in teams so far, but this game is just for David and Joe.
So, David, your turn to choose the letters and then beat Joe at this game.
What is the maximum number of vowels allowed? - Five.
- Five vowels.
Oh, you twat.
LAUGHTER I A E O Oh, can you spread them out? And U Old MacDonald lost his marbles I-A-E-O-U.
And then P S Q and N - Lovely.
- OK, and your time starts now.
# Does he love me? # I want to know # How can I tell if he loves me so? # Is it in his eyes? # Oh, no, you'll be deceived LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE # If you want to know # If he loves you so # It's in his kiss # That's where it is Woah-oh, it's in his kiss LAUGHTER Oh.
Oh, OK.
- David, how many? - Four.
- OK.
Joe, you could snatch victory from the jaws of defeat here.
Four.
- I've got five.
- You weren't playing.
SHE SIGHS - What was your five, there, Rosin? - PENIS.
- What, sorry? - PENIS! I've got a five! I always spot "the D".
I'm sorry, Mum.
So, I win? - We get some points? - No, you weren't playing that one.
It was Joe versus David, and neither of them spotted "the D".
- David, what was your four? - SOAP.
Joe, what was your word? What was your four? OAPs.
OK, so, four points to David.
APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH Tom, Susie, could they have done any better? They could have got a six with SEQUIN! - Nice.
- Gays love sequins.
They love penises as well, I would imagine.
Oh, yeah, there is also SEQUOIA, is there for seven.
- What does that mean? - Sequoia tree, redwood tree.
- Hm! - Sequoia.
- OK.
Jon, we should probably have another round of Fill Your Happy Hole, or whatever it was called.
- I'm moving it back, because - What do you mean, you are moving it back? - Well, it was too easy last time.
- Why was it too easy? Well, every time you get it, I'm going to move back, cos otherwise I will shit myself on telly.
ROISIN: But think of the ratings.
I don't think the ratings are going to go up if he shits himself.
OK.
All right, on three, everyone.
Are we all ready? One, two, three.
- Aw - Fuck you guys! Oh! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Oh! What Joe, what are you thinking? DAVID: He did it on his second go! That's not fair.
- You have a choice between a lump of butter - I'm so excited! A lump of butter, cottage cheese, an onion! I think the whole onion.
If it's the whole onion.
Yeah, whole onion.
If you eat it like an apple, then I think that is pretty fun.
I mean, I don't want to be "that guy".
If you think you are going to be the guy that shits himself That guy that won't eat an onion on telly.
I just think, in the spirit of Fill My Hoop I just think if it's the second go, and it's you, I mean, I just don't think that counts.
Are you going to eat it or not? Come on.
Eat it, eat it.
ALL CHANT: Eat it! Eat it! Eat it! I think, for what it is worth, you absolutely shouldn't eat it.
I am not eating the onion.
People shouting, "Eat it! Eat it!" - that is Nuremberg.
I will pledge now, I will eat the onion if Joe or Roisin get a paper in on their first throw.
OK, can they have another go? - No, they can have a go in the next round.
- Oh! BOOING Nuremberg! OK, so, at the end of that, Joe and Roisin have no points, Jon and David have 21.
APPLAUSE Right now, time for Roisin and Jon to go head-to-head.
Roisin, your turn to pick the numbers.
Jon, your turn to get them right.
Rachel, may I please have one from the top and five from the rest? You may.
Thank you, Roisin.
One large, five little.
Right, we have got 3, 2, 7, 5, 9 and 100.
And the target - 231.
And your time starts now.
LAUGHTER OK, so, the target was 231.
Roisin.
OK, I've got 232.
- Oh, pretty close, though.
- Sure.
- Pretty close.
- Jon, did you get it? - Yes.
231.
OK.
So, how did you get it? I know I didn't do it, but I think I've got it as well - that's really pissed me off.
Go on, how did you do it? 3 x 5 JON: Is still a way off.
Oh, hold on.
No, no.
No, get rid of it.
LAUGHTER Jon, how did you do it? 100 + 9 + 5 100 + 9 + 5 = 114.
x 2 = 228 + 3 - Yeah.
231.
- 10 points to Jon.
APPLAUSE OK, time to go across to Dictionary Corner now.
Tom, what have you got for us? Well, thank you, Jimmy.
Now, on this occasion, I thought I would come up with a definition for you, actually, of a modern phenomenon.
And the definition is competitive mourning.
It refers to the modern trend of vying to be the most saddest at the death of a public figure or celebrity.
Now, a few years ago, the world was made aware of the passing of one of its greatest ever leaders.
His name was Nelson Mandela, and he was loved by people throughout the world.
And on the day that he died, I happened to go online, and I saw a post from a girl I went to school with.
Her name was Denise Queeve.
And when I went on Facebook, I saw her post.
And it said this As though it was her news.
As though she had been phoned that morning by the Mandela family and told, "Denisehe's gone.
"We need you to tell the people.
" And duly she went online.
And underneath that, she wrote "rip.
" Just rip.
I think she was trying to write "R.
I.
P", but she just put "rip", all lowercase.
I mean, she liked the man, but not enough to hold down the shift key.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE And then underneath that, she wrote, "He was a great man.
" I mean, it's the most obvious thing in the world.
It's like putting, "The Queen suits pastels.
" Everybody knew that Nelson Mandela was a great man.
The fact that she felt the need to put it there online suggested, to me, that maybe she had some doubts.
And then, underneath that, underneath that, she put an emoticon.
And the emoticon was this.
"Guys, Nelson Mandela has died.
Rip.
He was a great man.
" And when you take a step back and you think of the sanctimonious, self-important, self-aggrandisment that it takes to go online and put something like that about the great man Nelson Mandela.
I mean, it's narcissism.
Of course, I clicked "like" because I didn't want to seem like a racist.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Tom Allen, everyone.
The scores at the moment.
Joe and Roisin are doing great - they have no points.
Jon and David have 31 - they're slightly ahead.
APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH And here is your teaser.
The words are TURD CAPE.
The clue is - I've got it.
That's TURD CAPE - I've got it.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were TURD CAPE.
The clue was "I've got it".
It was, of course, CAPTURED.
Before we move on, Jon, your paper ball game, do you want to up the stakes? Yeah, bring it.
I sensed there was a disappointment in the room that I didn't eat the onion.
OK, what about this? What about if we, against the clock, - we all try and get let's say five - Yeah.
- .
.
bits of paper into the hoop and, if we do, you have to eat my specially-prepared cake? LAUGHTER - What do I get? - Diarrhoea.
LAUGHTER - Diarrhoea.
- I've made a egg mayonnaise Victoria sponge - Ah! .
.
with, and I think you'll enjoy this, mustard custard.
LAUGHTER, GASPING Which is, uh, it's custard made with mustard.
LAUGHTER, GROANING - And that is - Oh, my God.
- It does smell a bit.
- How long do you get? - 30 seconds.
- And who's having a go? Seven of you? - Yes.
- One each? - So, what, a seventh? - OK, so we've got 7 in 30 seconds.
Are we all ready? Are we ready for this? They're Where did this shit come from? LAUGHTER Why are you all standing up?! LAUGHTER Cos this matters to us.
OK, the time startsnow.
CHEERING Come on, yes! Oh, it's going to be close.
I think that's three.
You can't throw mine! You can't throw mine! Oh, they're not going to do it! I think we got there.
We didn't need that.
I'm sorry, I got into the game.
LAUGHTER So, I mean, great news.
The mustard custard is There's a whole - It'd be a shame to waste it.
- Hold your nose, it'll taste like icing.
Oh, God, it's got a bit of a smell on it, hasn't it? Now, I would say two forkfuls HE BURPS, LAUGHTER - And that's before anything's happened! - Do you know what? Egg on your face - if this is delicious.
- Good luck with that! - It smells like - He's really gone for a gungy bit.
I admire that.
JIMMY LAUGHS - Oh, Jon.
- Come on, Jon.
Oh, God! AUDIENCE GROANS, APPLAUDS Oh, Jon! Make it end! Want an onion? LAUGHTER Oh, Jon.
He's still chewing! - He ate it! - APPLAUSE OK, well, you were a very good sport there, so we're going to give you, Jon, one bonus point.
CHEERING Which I think puts you in the lead now.
- If I ate an onion, do we get 32 points? - Yes! - Yes! Yeah.
100%, yeah.
Oh, my God, I'm so excited, we're going to win and we're going to get the unicorn! - LAUGHTER - I told you it was our time! - Go on! - Joe Joe Your time startsnow.
YES! Quick, hold your nose, hold your nose! You've got to be quicker! Hold your nose and it'll like an apple.
Stop that thing! Joe, quick, just get it all in, get it in.
Shove it all in and spit it out.
Get it in, Joe.
Joe! APPLAUSE 32 points? I'm afraid you didn't finish, so no points.
But great fun.
LAUGHTER LAUGHTER, HE GROANS Sweating so much! Youbetter give mea point! LAUGHTER I swear to God I'm gonna burn this place down otherwise.
LAUGHTER I've got I think the mistake was the onion you had before we came out.
LAUGHTER That was painful and I go through bins.
LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE OK, Joe, I'll give you one point.
APPLAUSE I can still smell it from your mouth! - Genuinely, have you never done that before? - No! Why would I do that before? - You just seem like - LAUGHTER OK, on with the game.
Joe and Roisin, your turn to choose the letters.
Roisin, maybe you should do this.
Um, may I have a consonant, please, Rachel? You may, thank you, Roisin.
- T.
- Another consonant, please.
- W.
- A vowel, please, Rachel.
- And an I.
- A consonant, please, Rachel.
- R.
- A vowel, please.
- O.
- Another vowel, please, Rachel.
A.
A consonant, please.
- N.
- And avowel, please.
- E.
- And another consonant, please.
And the last oneL.
OK, and your time startsnow.
- David, how many letters? - Five.
- Jon, how many letters? - Er, eight.
- Joe? - Er, I got a, er, a five.
- OK, Roisin? - Six? No, how many did you get? LAUGHTER - Six, no? - No.
No.
Five.
- OK, David, your five? - LONER.
- OK.
Joe, your five? - TRAIN.
- Roisin, your five? - WRITE? W-R-I-T-E.
- Yeah, that's all right.
- Jon, your eight.
- RELATION.
- Brilliant.
- RELATION, huge.
APPLAUSE Eight points to Jon and David.
OK, Tom and Susie, could they have done any better? Yes, there's just another eight, ORIENTAL.
OK, so, at the end of that, Joe and Roisin have one point.
Jon and David are in the lead with 40.
APPLAUSE And here is your final teaser.
The words are RUDE DONG.
The clue is, "Not allowed to come out.
" That's RUDE DONG, "Not allowed to come out.
" See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were RUDE DONG, the clue was - not allowed to come out.
It was, of course, GROUNDED.
OK, time for our final letters game.
- Jon and David, your turn to choose the letters.
- Would you like to? No, you've eaten the massive heap of shit, so have your reward.
Thank you.
- A consonant, please, Rachel.
- Thank you, Jon.
D Spotted that one, Roisin? LAUGHTER JOE: Leave it.
And another one, please.
Y And a vowel, please.
I Vowel, please.
E A consonant, please.
G Vowel, please.
O Consonant, please.
R And another one, please.
M And a vowel.
U OK, and your time starts now.
Come on, put it in my mouth.
Such a dick.
Oh! Come on.
You've got to ram it in, haven't you? You really do have to ram it in.
Ugh APPLAUSE Jon, how many letters? Maybe a five.
- David? - Four.
- Four? - I'm thrilled with it, though.
Absolute peach.
OK, Joe, there's a bit of a chance here.
Five.
Five, OK.
Roisin.
I've got no words.
No words.
I mean, there's GO up there.
I didn't even see that, Jimmy.
- David, what was your four? - The four is GRIM.
- GRIM.
- I've got a six.
- You've got a six? - Yeah.
I had to think about it, I forgot myself.
If now I mean, if I I mean.
You're 40 points ahead, you're going to be all right.
Jon, what was your five? Well, if we're allowed to change to the one that Susie's showing us - on that piece of paper then I've got a six as well.
- Jon! Why are you trying to ruin Christmas? We're playing We're playing, let's remember LAUGHTER .
.
we're playing for a unicorn.
APPLAUSE This is something that matters.
This isn't just money, or prominence or pride, this is a magical beast.
Jon, your five? I don't know how you spell it, but you know those things Well, got a lot in common - they're small and they irritate people during the summer - midges.
I've got that, MIDGE.
Yeah, MIDGE.
- Joe, your five.
- Er, DOMEY.
DAVID: What, as in like a dome? Yeah, DOMEY.
It's got DOME-LIKE, Joe, not DOMEY.
All right, I'll have DOME-LIKE, then.
Roisin, your six.
GOURDE GOURDE.
You got GOURDE, did you? I don't know why you're surprised.
- Are you spelling it with the E at the end? - Yes! - That's really clever.
- Thanks, Susie.
APPLAUSE Is it really clever, Susie? Cos you're really clever.
Because that's not the thing that you eat, that is the basic monetary unit of Haiti, - which obviously Roisin knew.
- Yep.
OK, we're going to give you the points, Roisin.
Six points to Roisin! APPLAUSE Tom, Susie, could they have done any better? They could have done similar.
No-one could have done better than Roisin.
Thank you.
They could have got MORGUE or ROUGED.
GRIMED is another one, GRIMED.
OK, so, Joe and Roisin have 7 points, Jon and David have 40 points.
Whoa! APPLAUSE OK, fingers on buzzers - it's time for today's crucial Countdown Conundrum.
And it is a crucial Countdown Conundrum because today the conundrum is worth 34 points.
Hang on, let me look at the scores - that would mean you'd win.
- Coincidence, isn't it? - Yeah, weird.
OK, and your time starts now.
BELL I came in early.
OK, we'll try again.
BUZZER - Yes.
- LUMBERING.
- JIMMY GASPS Let's have a look and see if he's right.
Yay! LUMBERING.
APPLAUSE So, the final scores are - Joe and Roisin have 7, Jon and David have 74.
So, congratulations, Jon and David, you're now the proud owner of this, the Countdown unicorn! CHEERING Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience, and to all of you watching at home.
That's it from us, goodnight.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, Jon Richardson Joe Wilkinson David Mitchell Roisin Conaty Tom Allen Susie Dent and Rachel Riley.
Now welcome your host, Jimmy Carr! CHEERING Hello, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
Did you know, for example, the Egyptian hieroglyphic for one million is a man with his arms outstretched.
When you think about it, hieroglyphics were the original emojis.
Dog face, Ra face, #NiceNefertitties.
Oceanographers have recorded dolphins having conversations in their own dolphin language.
They've been trying for ages, and then suddenly it just clicked.
"Foca" is a Spanish word for a fat person and literally translates as seal.
It can be used in such phrases as, "Look at my Spanish friend Jose, he's a right fat foca.
" Right, let's get started.
OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's Jon Richardson.
CHEERING Jon was born in Lancaster, which is about three miles east of Morecambe, 20 miles north of Preston, and 50 years behind London.
Joining Jon tonight, it's David Mitchell.
CHEERING Looking at David and Jon together there, just turn back the clock 30 years and you've got every bully's dream.
Interestingly as well, 30 years ago, I was 3 years old, so that's a pretty harsh bully.
Yes, I was.
Up against them this evening, it's special guest team captain, Joe Wilkinson.
CHEERING Joe Wilkinson is not only one of this country's finest comedians, he's also one of Britain's leading hedgehog sanctuaries.
I don't think that's not true.
Joining Joe tonight, it's Roisin Conaty.
CHEERING Having Roisin on Countdown is a real no-brainer because, well, let's just leave it there, shall we? Roisin, you've not covered yourself in glory in the past on this show.
Tonight you're paired with Joe.
- Do you think you're going to do any better? - Yeah.
I reckon it's our turn.
It's our time, isn't it? Are you shit at this? - I need a bit more time.
It's a time problem.
- Right.
I can spellover days.
It doesn't really go in turns.
What do you mean? - Well, it's not your turn, really.
- Well, it is my turn.
Well, that's sort of Darwinism JOE: Shut up, you square.
Sorry, you're going to have to clarify which square you're talking to.
We're being bullied by the Hedgehog Sanctuary.
David, how would you celebrate if you win tonight? Sorry.
David, how will you celebrate when you win tonight? I I don't think I will.
- You won't celebrate? - I don't think I'll see it as much of an achievement.
Yeah, OK.
- We've got a plan.
- Yeah.
- What's your plan? Written down the alphabet.
Bring the thunder! We're in it to win it tonight.
We're not mucking about.
Yeah.
Or second.
Whatever.
Joe, what's your idea of a romantic date? EhChicken Kiev, chips and peas.
I always think you can tell when a date isn't going well when the other person deliberately licks an electric fence.
I shouldn't have taken her to that abattoir.
Which one should you have taken her to? Well, it's a second date thing, innit? OK, Jon, you're generally quite a calm man.
What was the last thing that got you really angry? I saw a guy yesterday eating cashew nuts.
Sorry, how are you pronouncing the word before "nuts"? Ca-SHEW nuts.
- CAshew nuts? - You're doing it a bit too like a sneeze.
CaSHEW, CAshew.
- CaSHEW nuts.
- CaSHEW.
- Bless you.
CAshew.
Sorry, you were annoyed by a man-eating caSHEW nuts.
Yeah, I hate seeing people eat healthily out, because it depresses me about what I'm doing with my life.
He was, like, out.
So it wasn't like you were at home - you know you have a healthy tea every third day? You think, "Oh, I better have some broccoli so I don't die.
" He was out.
I could have a Lion bar or some Monster Munch.
He had, however-you-say-them nuts.
Oh, God, what a depressing world.
At Surbiton Station eating caSHEW nuts in the afternoon.
CaSHEW?! CAshew.
He was eating walnuts.
He was eating a box of pi-stachios.
I tried to eat a Chocolate Orange whole once.
I got it in my mouth and I had to wait six days for it to melt.
- OK.
Roisin, have you got a mascot? - Yes.
So my mascot is something I find very lucky in life, all the time.
I always get lucky when I have champagne.
So this is something that's very close to my heart.
It's a really big, unopen bottle of champagne.
Who does that to the top of a bottle of champagne? Yeah, so it's a thing I find I get luckier, everyone gets luckier.
Champagne for my real friends.
Real pain for my sham friends, and all that.
- Yeah, it's my mascot.
- OK, David, have you got a mascot this evening? - Yes.
- What have you got? I've got these.
Because I thought if I brought these that it would allow other people to make sexual jokes.
I don't feel very comfortable making sexual jokes myself, I'm a bit repressed.
I just find it very awkward.
But I know people enjoy sexual jokes and I thought I would contribute in a way by bringing these, and then it's an opportunity for other people to go, "Oh, I expect, I don't know, you were wearing them and being fucked.
" Jimmy, I thought this would be a wonderful opportunity, because you love making sexual jokes.
- I do.
I do love making sexual jokes.
- So, please, say a sexual thing.
Don't worry, Jimmy, I've brought my lucky anal beads.
OK, Jon, have you got a mascot? - Yes, I've developed, Jimmy, a game within a game.
- Ooh.
What do we write our answers on here? - Paper.
- Paper, yes.
What do you do with the paper when you've finished? Leave it on the desk.
Not any more, Joe! I've brought my spangly hoop.
Oh, God.
This is my hoop.
What I'd like is that at the end of each round, when all the paper is ready to go, that you try and put your waste in my hoop.
I'm going to place the hoop out in the What's that, the nether world? I think it's a pond.
You don't Are you going ice skating? OK.
- How did you do that? - I know, I was there and now I'm here now.
Right, OK.
- I want some sort of momentum so I'm sliding.
- Go over the middle.
I'd go around, if I were you.
No, no, you can go over.
Starsky & Hutch it, come on.
Oh, my God.
So, at the end of each round, you will be invited to throw your paper into my hoop.
If you get the paper into the hoop, I will eat one of these disgusting foods which I have brought along, and you get to choose.
- Here we have There's a spoonful of wasabi paste.
- Ooh.
There's a lemon there, I'll bite into that.
There's some chillies.
Don't play down the chillies, mate.
"Chillies, forget those.
" That's all you're eating.
Chilli, chilli, chilli.
I didn't actually bring this one.
That's your packed lunch that you've brought.
There's a raw onion in there, there's some butter, and there's half a pint of cottage cheese.
Well, Jon, we look forward to playing that later.
Joe, have you got a mascot? - Yeah.
- What have you got? I brought along one of my Countdown Russian doll sets that I've painted.
What's going on there?! As you can see, Jimmy, you are the main Russian doll.
You're in one of your swanky suits, but, as you can see, you've pulled your trousers down and you've pushed your testicles out the side of your So Inside Jimmy is Rachel.
As you can see, Rachel is holding some toilet rolls under her arm, because she steals the toilet roll after the show when she's pissed up.
Inside Rachel is Susie.
As we all know, Susie is a pervert.
Bit of a Peeping Tom, that's why she's wearing some binoculars and she's holding a Polaroid camera.
The reason she's holding a Polaroid camera is because she does this thing where she'll kick your dressing room door down and try and take a picture of you when you're changing.
I've spoken to HR, but they're scared of her temper.
Then, finally, is Jon.
You've done a life-size Jon.
Yeah, I feel that one is sort of self-explanatory.
As you can see, he's in his dinosaur pyjamas because he struggles to get adult clothes to fit him.
Joe's Russian dolls, everyone.
OK, over in Dictionary Corner, it's Tom Allen.
CHEERING Oh, hello.
Hello.
Evening.
Tom says he used to dress in Victorian clothing as a teenager to disguise the fact he was gay.
Yeah, Tom, that'll throw them off the scent.
- Worked.
- Tom, tell me about your love life.
How's it all going? That's a very personal question, actually, Jimmy.
But recently I've been dumped, but it's fine, it's fine.
It was a mutual decision for him to dump me.
No, we both sort of realised it wasn't working.
Unfortunately, we realised at different times.
He realised some weeks before.
I realised when he told me.
But it's fine, it's fine.
You know, good things have been happening.
I've got one of these things now, which tells me how my heart's doing.
Yes, still broken.
AUDIENCE: Aw No! Don't patronise me! No, it's fine.
It's fine.
I'll come on the show.
It's fine, I'm happy.
LAUGHTER OK, with Tom, of course, is Susie Dent.
Susie has written 14 books about the derivations of words.
You can find them all in your local library.
Just ask for the Sleepy Go Bye-Bye section.
OK, Susie, what have you been looking into recently? Other than glory holes.
Out of nowhere.
Em The most unnecessary joke.
Sorry, Susie.
OK.
No, what have you been looking into recently? I think this is all the effect of my having brought these.
No, I've been looking into the language of doctors, which is quite interesting.
- OK.
- Things like, em, brothel sprouts.
Brothel sprouts? You know doctors have these ridiculous names, the black humour, sick humour to try and keep the horrible stuff at bay, so brothel sprouts are basically genital warts.
Sorry Don't look at me.
Em, yes Really, I can't.
I'm just thinking glory hole and I OK.
In charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley.
CHEERING If you had to be stuck in a lift with any one of us, who would it be? Em, I think it would probably be Joe.
Yes! It looks like he's been confined and escaped from somewhere before.
OK, tonight the prize the teams will be competing for is this - the Countdown unicorn.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, let's Countdown, everyone.
Time for the first game.
Joe, Roisin, you get the first pick of the letters.
Could I have a couple of good 'uns? I'll go for N I And then a P? I want P, I want P! And then a consonant.
Yeah, one of them.
L And then a vowel, please.
U Consonant, please.
W Ah, these are horseshit.
Give us a cheeky I.
Yeah, yeah.
What do we need a? E That'll do.
That's an E, love.
Consonant.
D And then a vowel, please.
And O OK, and for the first time today, here's the Countdown clock.
WHIRRING LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Does anyone want candyfloss? - Yes.
- OK.
One for me.
Roisin, how many letters? Five.
I feel like one of the Simpsons.
- There you go.
- Thank you very much.
Joe, how many letters? Seven.
- No, how many letters did you get? - Five.
Jon, how many? Seven.
David? I think I've got a seven.
OK, Roisin? - WIRED.
- OK.
Joe, your five? I've got a risky seven.
Nah, it's horseshit.
It's not even close.
That's not a word, is it? - Yeah, it is.
- All right, seven.
UNLOWER UNLOWER.
Susie, UNLOWER? Ehno.
Jon, your seven? JON MUMBLES Sorry, what was that? MUMBLING: REWOUND.
- REWOUND? - JOE: That's probably a word.
Yeah, it is, yeah.
Ah, fo Roisin, you've annihilated that.
When did you eat that? You don't give me food and expect it to last.
That's why I've got massive teeth.
OK, David, your seven? UNWIRED - Susie? - Yeah, it's in the dictionary.
- GASPING - Are you shitting me? You can't be serious.
UNWIRED is a word?! I'm not allowed UNLOWER? DAVID: The rationale, I think, is that UNLOWER isn't a word and UNWIRED is a word.
Oh, use your facts, mate.
OK, 7 points to Jon and David.
- Tom, Susie, could they have done any better? - Mm-hmm.
- No, well, seven - No, they could have done the same.
Yeah, more sevens.
DOWNIER is there.
One for Joe, WEIRDO.
Bless you.
It's time for a round of In My Hoop.
- Yes.
- Oh, lovely.
Ooh.
A lovely little round of In My Hoop.
The good thing is I've just eaten all of that candyfloss, so I'm definitely going to puke if you get one in.
OK, all right, so on three, everyone.
ROISIN: Are we doing it all together? One, two, three.
Yes! - Chilli! Chilli! - APPLAUSE I can open the champagne.
If Jon eats a chilli, we get champagne.
Joe, I think you get to choose what he eats.
Butter.
I'm going to make you eat butter.
- Don't go for butter.
Chilli.
- Let's go chilli.
Chilli.
- Chilli, Joe.
- All right, chilli.
Yeah, cos that's Choose a big one, choose a big one.
Yeah, choose a big one.
Choose a nice, big one.
Stick it in wasabi.
There you go.
Stick that.
CRUNCHING LAUGHTER Here come the liquid stools.
The sad bit is this isn't even the worst bit.
There'll be no cameras on tomorrow.
Oh I don't think there's water.
There's no water involved here.
Oh, for God's sake! He's a human being! LAUGHTER Oh, that's been really good, wasn't it, watching him do that? Let's have some champagne.
OK, so, at the end of that, Jon and David are in the lead with seven points.
Will you, for the love of God, pour that fucking champagne? OK, I'm not allowed to let it spill so I'm being very - CORK POPS - Ah! Shit! - Tell me you're doing it.
- Sorry.
- Oh, hello.
- ROISIN MOANS Well, it's just all foam for him.
David, that's for you.
Right, this is going to take ages.
OK, on to our first numbers round.
Jon, David, your turn to pick the numbers.
I'm tempted to say "All from the bottom", but I think that's my chilli speaking.
One from the top and any other four, please.
JON: And then another.
RACHEL: And a bonus one.
The bonus one is DAVID: 1.
Oh, the worst number.
9.
The ninth worst number.
I hate 7.
- Brilliant(!) - How do you feel about 5? 5.
5 actually is a favourite of mine.
5 gold rings.
Good.
100! OK, and your time starts now.
So, the target was 226.
- Roisin? - Start at the other end.
I'm about to.
- David, did you get it? - I didn't, no.
What did you get? I didn't get one.
You've written it.
I've written 226, but that was based on that 226.
The other numbers I've written down are 100, 5, 3, 7, 9 and 1.
Of those numbers, the closest to 226 is 100.
OK, Jon, did you get it? CROAKILY: Yeah.
Sorry, what's happened to your voice? CROAKILY: Yeah, I got it, mate.
Joe, did you get it? Yeah.
- Joe, did you get it, though? - No.
What did you get, Joe? I got 227, but there's absolutely no need to do the workings out.
OK, Roisin, did you get it? I don't know.
No, she didn't.
- I might have.
- No, you haven't.
How do you think you might have got it? 3 x 100 Yeah.
And Oh.
Oh, oh, I don't.
OK.
Jon, how did you get it? 100 + 9 + 1 + 3 Oh, that's what I was going to do.
x 7 - 5 For the 2 226, 10 points to Jon.
APPLAUSE OK, the scores at the moment.
Joe and Roisin have no points.
Jon and David are on 17.
APPLAUSE Here is your teaser.
The words are IDLE BLOW.
The clue is - give it a puff.
That's IDLE BLOW, give it a puff.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - The words were IDLE BLOW, the clue was - give it a puff.
It was, of course, BILLOWED.
So, Jon and David are in the lead.
They have been playing in teams so far, but this game is just for David and Joe.
So, David, your turn to choose the letters and then beat Joe at this game.
What is the maximum number of vowels allowed? - Five.
- Five vowels.
Oh, you twat.
LAUGHTER I A E O Oh, can you spread them out? And U Old MacDonald lost his marbles I-A-E-O-U.
And then P S Q and N - Lovely.
- OK, and your time starts now.
# Does he love me? # I want to know # How can I tell if he loves me so? # Is it in his eyes? # Oh, no, you'll be deceived LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE # If you want to know # If he loves you so # It's in his kiss # That's where it is Woah-oh, it's in his kiss LAUGHTER Oh.
Oh, OK.
- David, how many? - Four.
- OK.
Joe, you could snatch victory from the jaws of defeat here.
Four.
- I've got five.
- You weren't playing.
SHE SIGHS - What was your five, there, Rosin? - PENIS.
- What, sorry? - PENIS! I've got a five! I always spot "the D".
I'm sorry, Mum.
So, I win? - We get some points? - No, you weren't playing that one.
It was Joe versus David, and neither of them spotted "the D".
- David, what was your four? - SOAP.
Joe, what was your word? What was your four? OAPs.
OK, so, four points to David.
APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH Tom, Susie, could they have done any better? They could have got a six with SEQUIN! - Nice.
- Gays love sequins.
They love penises as well, I would imagine.
Oh, yeah, there is also SEQUOIA, is there for seven.
- What does that mean? - Sequoia tree, redwood tree.
- Hm! - Sequoia.
- OK.
Jon, we should probably have another round of Fill Your Happy Hole, or whatever it was called.
- I'm moving it back, because - What do you mean, you are moving it back? - Well, it was too easy last time.
- Why was it too easy? Well, every time you get it, I'm going to move back, cos otherwise I will shit myself on telly.
ROISIN: But think of the ratings.
I don't think the ratings are going to go up if he shits himself.
OK.
All right, on three, everyone.
Are we all ready? One, two, three.
- Aw - Fuck you guys! Oh! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Oh! What Joe, what are you thinking? DAVID: He did it on his second go! That's not fair.
- You have a choice between a lump of butter - I'm so excited! A lump of butter, cottage cheese, an onion! I think the whole onion.
If it's the whole onion.
Yeah, whole onion.
If you eat it like an apple, then I think that is pretty fun.
I mean, I don't want to be "that guy".
If you think you are going to be the guy that shits himself That guy that won't eat an onion on telly.
I just think, in the spirit of Fill My Hoop I just think if it's the second go, and it's you, I mean, I just don't think that counts.
Are you going to eat it or not? Come on.
Eat it, eat it.
ALL CHANT: Eat it! Eat it! Eat it! I think, for what it is worth, you absolutely shouldn't eat it.
I am not eating the onion.
People shouting, "Eat it! Eat it!" - that is Nuremberg.
I will pledge now, I will eat the onion if Joe or Roisin get a paper in on their first throw.
OK, can they have another go? - No, they can have a go in the next round.
- Oh! BOOING Nuremberg! OK, so, at the end of that, Joe and Roisin have no points, Jon and David have 21.
APPLAUSE Right now, time for Roisin and Jon to go head-to-head.
Roisin, your turn to pick the numbers.
Jon, your turn to get them right.
Rachel, may I please have one from the top and five from the rest? You may.
Thank you, Roisin.
One large, five little.
Right, we have got 3, 2, 7, 5, 9 and 100.
And the target - 231.
And your time starts now.
LAUGHTER OK, so, the target was 231.
Roisin.
OK, I've got 232.
- Oh, pretty close, though.
- Sure.
- Pretty close.
- Jon, did you get it? - Yes.
231.
OK.
So, how did you get it? I know I didn't do it, but I think I've got it as well - that's really pissed me off.
Go on, how did you do it? 3 x 5 JON: Is still a way off.
Oh, hold on.
No, no.
No, get rid of it.
LAUGHTER Jon, how did you do it? 100 + 9 + 5 100 + 9 + 5 = 114.
x 2 = 228 + 3 - Yeah.
231.
- 10 points to Jon.
APPLAUSE OK, time to go across to Dictionary Corner now.
Tom, what have you got for us? Well, thank you, Jimmy.
Now, on this occasion, I thought I would come up with a definition for you, actually, of a modern phenomenon.
And the definition is competitive mourning.
It refers to the modern trend of vying to be the most saddest at the death of a public figure or celebrity.
Now, a few years ago, the world was made aware of the passing of one of its greatest ever leaders.
His name was Nelson Mandela, and he was loved by people throughout the world.
And on the day that he died, I happened to go online, and I saw a post from a girl I went to school with.
Her name was Denise Queeve.
And when I went on Facebook, I saw her post.
And it said this As though it was her news.
As though she had been phoned that morning by the Mandela family and told, "Denisehe's gone.
"We need you to tell the people.
" And duly she went online.
And underneath that, she wrote "rip.
" Just rip.
I think she was trying to write "R.
I.
P", but she just put "rip", all lowercase.
I mean, she liked the man, but not enough to hold down the shift key.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE And then underneath that, she wrote, "He was a great man.
" I mean, it's the most obvious thing in the world.
It's like putting, "The Queen suits pastels.
" Everybody knew that Nelson Mandela was a great man.
The fact that she felt the need to put it there online suggested, to me, that maybe she had some doubts.
And then, underneath that, underneath that, she put an emoticon.
And the emoticon was this.
"Guys, Nelson Mandela has died.
Rip.
He was a great man.
" And when you take a step back and you think of the sanctimonious, self-important, self-aggrandisment that it takes to go online and put something like that about the great man Nelson Mandela.
I mean, it's narcissism.
Of course, I clicked "like" because I didn't want to seem like a racist.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Tom Allen, everyone.
The scores at the moment.
Joe and Roisin are doing great - they have no points.
Jon and David have 31 - they're slightly ahead.
APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH And here is your teaser.
The words are TURD CAPE.
The clue is - I've got it.
That's TURD CAPE - I've got it.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were TURD CAPE.
The clue was "I've got it".
It was, of course, CAPTURED.
Before we move on, Jon, your paper ball game, do you want to up the stakes? Yeah, bring it.
I sensed there was a disappointment in the room that I didn't eat the onion.
OK, what about this? What about if we, against the clock, - we all try and get let's say five - Yeah.
- .
.
bits of paper into the hoop and, if we do, you have to eat my specially-prepared cake? LAUGHTER - What do I get? - Diarrhoea.
LAUGHTER - Diarrhoea.
- I've made a egg mayonnaise Victoria sponge - Ah! .
.
with, and I think you'll enjoy this, mustard custard.
LAUGHTER, GASPING Which is, uh, it's custard made with mustard.
LAUGHTER, GROANING - And that is - Oh, my God.
- It does smell a bit.
- How long do you get? - 30 seconds.
- And who's having a go? Seven of you? - Yes.
- One each? - So, what, a seventh? - OK, so we've got 7 in 30 seconds.
Are we all ready? Are we ready for this? They're Where did this shit come from? LAUGHTER Why are you all standing up?! LAUGHTER Cos this matters to us.
OK, the time startsnow.
CHEERING Come on, yes! Oh, it's going to be close.
I think that's three.
You can't throw mine! You can't throw mine! Oh, they're not going to do it! I think we got there.
We didn't need that.
I'm sorry, I got into the game.
LAUGHTER So, I mean, great news.
The mustard custard is There's a whole - It'd be a shame to waste it.
- Hold your nose, it'll taste like icing.
Oh, God, it's got a bit of a smell on it, hasn't it? Now, I would say two forkfuls HE BURPS, LAUGHTER - And that's before anything's happened! - Do you know what? Egg on your face - if this is delicious.
- Good luck with that! - It smells like - He's really gone for a gungy bit.
I admire that.
JIMMY LAUGHS - Oh, Jon.
- Come on, Jon.
Oh, God! AUDIENCE GROANS, APPLAUDS Oh, Jon! Make it end! Want an onion? LAUGHTER Oh, Jon.
He's still chewing! - He ate it! - APPLAUSE OK, well, you were a very good sport there, so we're going to give you, Jon, one bonus point.
CHEERING Which I think puts you in the lead now.
- If I ate an onion, do we get 32 points? - Yes! - Yes! Yeah.
100%, yeah.
Oh, my God, I'm so excited, we're going to win and we're going to get the unicorn! - LAUGHTER - I told you it was our time! - Go on! - Joe Joe Your time startsnow.
YES! Quick, hold your nose, hold your nose! You've got to be quicker! Hold your nose and it'll like an apple.
Stop that thing! Joe, quick, just get it all in, get it in.
Shove it all in and spit it out.
Get it in, Joe.
Joe! APPLAUSE 32 points? I'm afraid you didn't finish, so no points.
But great fun.
LAUGHTER LAUGHTER, HE GROANS Sweating so much! Youbetter give mea point! LAUGHTER I swear to God I'm gonna burn this place down otherwise.
LAUGHTER I've got I think the mistake was the onion you had before we came out.
LAUGHTER That was painful and I go through bins.
LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE OK, Joe, I'll give you one point.
APPLAUSE I can still smell it from your mouth! - Genuinely, have you never done that before? - No! Why would I do that before? - You just seem like - LAUGHTER OK, on with the game.
Joe and Roisin, your turn to choose the letters.
Roisin, maybe you should do this.
Um, may I have a consonant, please, Rachel? You may, thank you, Roisin.
- T.
- Another consonant, please.
- W.
- A vowel, please, Rachel.
- And an I.
- A consonant, please, Rachel.
- R.
- A vowel, please.
- O.
- Another vowel, please, Rachel.
A.
A consonant, please.
- N.
- And avowel, please.
- E.
- And another consonant, please.
And the last oneL.
OK, and your time startsnow.
- David, how many letters? - Five.
- Jon, how many letters? - Er, eight.
- Joe? - Er, I got a, er, a five.
- OK, Roisin? - Six? No, how many did you get? LAUGHTER - Six, no? - No.
No.
Five.
- OK, David, your five? - LONER.
- OK.
Joe, your five? - TRAIN.
- Roisin, your five? - WRITE? W-R-I-T-E.
- Yeah, that's all right.
- Jon, your eight.
- RELATION.
- Brilliant.
- RELATION, huge.
APPLAUSE Eight points to Jon and David.
OK, Tom and Susie, could they have done any better? Yes, there's just another eight, ORIENTAL.
OK, so, at the end of that, Joe and Roisin have one point.
Jon and David are in the lead with 40.
APPLAUSE And here is your final teaser.
The words are RUDE DONG.
The clue is, "Not allowed to come out.
" That's RUDE DONG, "Not allowed to come out.
" See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were RUDE DONG, the clue was - not allowed to come out.
It was, of course, GROUNDED.
OK, time for our final letters game.
- Jon and David, your turn to choose the letters.
- Would you like to? No, you've eaten the massive heap of shit, so have your reward.
Thank you.
- A consonant, please, Rachel.
- Thank you, Jon.
D Spotted that one, Roisin? LAUGHTER JOE: Leave it.
And another one, please.
Y And a vowel, please.
I Vowel, please.
E A consonant, please.
G Vowel, please.
O Consonant, please.
R And another one, please.
M And a vowel.
U OK, and your time starts now.
Come on, put it in my mouth.
Such a dick.
Oh! Come on.
You've got to ram it in, haven't you? You really do have to ram it in.
Ugh APPLAUSE Jon, how many letters? Maybe a five.
- David? - Four.
- Four? - I'm thrilled with it, though.
Absolute peach.
OK, Joe, there's a bit of a chance here.
Five.
Five, OK.
Roisin.
I've got no words.
No words.
I mean, there's GO up there.
I didn't even see that, Jimmy.
- David, what was your four? - The four is GRIM.
- GRIM.
- I've got a six.
- You've got a six? - Yeah.
I had to think about it, I forgot myself.
If now I mean, if I I mean.
You're 40 points ahead, you're going to be all right.
Jon, what was your five? Well, if we're allowed to change to the one that Susie's showing us - on that piece of paper then I've got a six as well.
- Jon! Why are you trying to ruin Christmas? We're playing We're playing, let's remember LAUGHTER .
.
we're playing for a unicorn.
APPLAUSE This is something that matters.
This isn't just money, or prominence or pride, this is a magical beast.
Jon, your five? I don't know how you spell it, but you know those things Well, got a lot in common - they're small and they irritate people during the summer - midges.
I've got that, MIDGE.
Yeah, MIDGE.
- Joe, your five.
- Er, DOMEY.
DAVID: What, as in like a dome? Yeah, DOMEY.
It's got DOME-LIKE, Joe, not DOMEY.
All right, I'll have DOME-LIKE, then.
Roisin, your six.
GOURDE GOURDE.
You got GOURDE, did you? I don't know why you're surprised.
- Are you spelling it with the E at the end? - Yes! - That's really clever.
- Thanks, Susie.
APPLAUSE Is it really clever, Susie? Cos you're really clever.
Because that's not the thing that you eat, that is the basic monetary unit of Haiti, - which obviously Roisin knew.
- Yep.
OK, we're going to give you the points, Roisin.
Six points to Roisin! APPLAUSE Tom, Susie, could they have done any better? They could have done similar.
No-one could have done better than Roisin.
Thank you.
They could have got MORGUE or ROUGED.
GRIMED is another one, GRIMED.
OK, so, Joe and Roisin have 7 points, Jon and David have 40 points.
Whoa! APPLAUSE OK, fingers on buzzers - it's time for today's crucial Countdown Conundrum.
And it is a crucial Countdown Conundrum because today the conundrum is worth 34 points.
Hang on, let me look at the scores - that would mean you'd win.
- Coincidence, isn't it? - Yeah, weird.
OK, and your time starts now.
BELL I came in early.
OK, we'll try again.
BUZZER - Yes.
- LUMBERING.
- JIMMY GASPS Let's have a look and see if he's right.
Yay! LUMBERING.
APPLAUSE So, the final scores are - Joe and Roisin have 7, Jon and David have 74.
So, congratulations, Jon and David, you're now the proud owner of this, the Countdown unicorn! CHEERING Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience, and to all of you watching at home.
That's it from us, goodnight.