Birds of a Feather (1989) s10e05 Episode Script
Tattoo You
1 What tennis champion is also a mint? Andy Tictac! Andy Murray, of course.
What great composer - Tracey, will you shut up? They're getting to the bit where they find the body on the beach next to the burning boat.
How do you know? Because they always find the body on the beach in one of those creepy seaside things like Broadcliff or Southchurch or Weston-super-Mare! Tracey, why do you always make me eat with chopsticks? Because it makes you eat slower, so it lasts longer and you feel fuller.
Yeah, well, it ain't working for me.
I'm still hungry.
Let's have one of your balls! Oh! I'll get it.
Leave it.
You won't, though, will you? I will though! It was loud enough before! You got ear wax or something? I never thought of that.
What is going on? My whole room started to vibrate! We don't need to know what you get up to in your room.
I'm working on my sequel.
I can't even hear to write.
What d'you mean? I always act out the most exciting passages before I commit them to paper.
You all right, Sharon? I've been here 30 seconds.
You haven't insulted me yet! You'll have to speak up, Dor.
I think I've got an ear infection.
Oh good! What? Nothing! Oh, Benedict Cumberbatch.
I'm rather partial to his Sherlock.
You mean you can read the names that come up at the end.
They're tiny! Ah.
Had laser eye surgery.
I now have the vision of a sparrowhawk.
And the body of an oven-ready chicken.
You heard that, did you, Sharon? I'm all right if I can see your lips.
Did it hurt? Not compared to a tummy tuck or a buttock lift.
You've had your aris hoisted? What is a aris? It's rhyming slang, Aristotle - bottle.
Oh, got it! Bottle of rum - tum.
No, bottle and glass - Bottom.
So have you had it done? Oh, don't be ridiculous.
Of course not.
These bad boys are the product of vigorous dieting, a sadistic personal trainer, and good genes.
What the ones with Lycra? You must have had something done, Dor.
I have never had to resort to cosmetic surgery.
Apart from a small tightening procedure.
South of the border.
Oh! They must have used a flipping big spanner! Well, I think it's all stupid.
Why can't people just grow old gracefully? Because some of us would like to grow old disgracefully! Well, I'd have the whole lot done if I had the money.
Belly, bum, boobs - That's because you're shallow.
You wanna watch that the wind don't change, Tracey.
You're stuck like that.
Like what? I don't look like that.
Do I? Your expression does tend to settle on somewhat disapproving contours.
She means you've got a face like a slapped arse.
Yeah, everyone says theirs does that.
Ours has got a built in sensor, freeing up your hands.
Oh, really? What for? Tune in the waterproof radio that comes free with every unit.
If it's so good, Tracey, then why are you offering the discount? My boss put his back out playing golf and I'm supporting a family of six - seven if you count Dorien - and I'm desperate.
Well? If I order 150 units, will you shut up? Then it's a deal! You've earnt yourself a nice bit of commission there.
I suppose.
Then cheer up.
Let's see a smile.
I am cheerful.
You could have fooled me.
Excuse me, Tracy.
Hello.
Oi, grandad, that ain't even plumbed in.
Oi, just get out! What's the worst thing that can happen? Sharon Osbourne.
I was really nervous at first.
But it was easy in the end.
Never knew I was so good at sales.
Shal? Sorry, Trace, I can't hear you over the toast! You really ought to do something about your hearing.
I am! I'm going to see the ear doctor later.
You'd better get your bum into gear, or you'll be late.
You all right, love? Just not very hungry.
I think I might have a tummy bug.
Have you been? Been where? Number two! Mum! Oh, Shal, he's all cold and clammy.
That's your hand cream, you prune! He ain't got a temperature.
Put your tongue out.
Let Auntie have a look.
No! Get off me! I will if you tell me why you're skiving! You're not moping over that Rosie, are you? I mean, there'll be other girls.
Nothing to do with Rosie.
What is it, then? You're not being bullied, are you? I knew it, Shal! They're bullying him, cos he did Latin! They what? They're not.
Then tell me what's wrong.
I've been suspended.
If you've been caught selling drugs, then can I have some, please? This is serious! If it's not drugs and it's not bullying - All right! Mr Thomas saw me in the changing room.
That is nothing to be ashamed of, Travis.
If you prefer boys to girls What? What? I'm just saying.
There's nothing wrong with it.
In fact, it's compulsory if you want a chat show on Channel 4.
It's not that.
Mr Thomas saw my tattoo and went into one.
Saw his what? Tattoo?! I heard that.
A tattoo of what? Well, a rose obviously.
Well, I hope it's not all over your bum, like that Cheryl Cole's! Why did you do it? Someone said that if I got Rosie's name tattooed over my heart it would prove that I love her and maybe she'd take me back.
What do you think? Oh, my God.
Bit pathetic, innit? Looks like a third nipple! But it's sweet.
It is not sweet.
I'm really angry.
You don't look really angry.
I thought you had to be 18.
Someone lent me their ID.
The same someone who told you to have a tattoo? Who was it? I'll kill 'em.
I can't say, Mum.
Er, good boy, Travis.
We don't grass in this family, remember? Eurgh! Oh! Look what the cat's dragged in.
Shut up, Sharon.
I haven't got time for your pathetic attempts at humour.
I'm running late.
Been documenting society's undercarriage? Actually, if you must know, Tracey, I have been volunteering at a night shelter.
You?! It's research for my next book, 70 Shades Of Soho.
Although the fact that the resident social worker is the spitting image of Johnny Depp makes it less of an ordeal.
Might have known there'd be a Johnny involved! You're not my mother, Tracey! No, she's mine.
Giving me a hard time, as usual! I'm entitled to.
You'll never guess what he's been and gone and done? "Been and gone and done.
" Is that even English? He's only been and gone and got himself suspended for getting a tattoo.
Oh, is that all? For a moment I thought he'd robbed a bank Nice one, Dor.
No, it's not nice.
It's bloody horrible.
Shouldn't you be at work? I've got a hospital appointment, haven't I? Oh, have you? I don't recall you asking your store manager for permission.
That's because my store manager has been out all night being a trollop.
See you later, Travis.
Good luck, mate.
So, how long are you suspended for? Just for today.
At least they're not making you have it lasered off.
Now, THAT is really painful.
How do you know? Erm I've had a certain amount of body art in my time.
Although, at the moment, I have just the one discreet little tattoo, somewhere only my closest friends will be able to see it.
Oh, yeah! And what does it say, "Open all hours"? Sorry, cobber, we're not open until next week.
Never mind that cobber cobblers, get your arse down here now! Is something wrong, Mum? I'll say.
Your brother's only been and got himself suspended for getting a tattoo and it's all your fault.
Look at the state of you! You OK? Your face looks well stretched.
Don't change the subject.
Look, you can't blame me if Travis wants to emulate his big brother's laid-back surfer-dude style.
You're supposed to be a role model.
He's only 17.
Someone must have lent him their ID.
I wouldn't do that.
Besides, most kids Travis' age have already got fake ID.
I had fake ID in the '90s.
How do you think I got into all them raves? What raves? The ones I went to, when you thought I was camping with the Boy Scouts.
All right, Tracey? What's wrong? You OK? Your face looks a bit strange.
You been stung or something? Nothing wrong with my face.
Yeah, that's how she normally looks.
Oh, my God! Not you an' all! Is everyone in Australia completely covered in tattoos? We're all inked up down under, Mum.
Garth got me this one for my birthday.
Stunning, isn't it? Angel wings, for an angel.
Oh, you're so poetic, babe.
Look, if you to wanna desecrate your bodies that's fine.
But Travis is still a baby.
What?! Travis has got a tattoo! Yep! And Mum thinks it was me who put him up to it.
Look, it weren't me.
Scout's honour.
Hello, P Oh, my God! Not you, too! What have they been and gone and done to you? It's only face paint.
Oh, sorry.
Mum, what's wrong with Tracey's face? How sweet That's the cupboard, Trace.
The telly's in the other room.
Well, it weren't Garthie.
Eh? Have you forgotten already? Travis' tattoo.
Yes, it did slipped my mind.
Maybe I have been preoccupied with the news of my devastating hearing loss! Sorry, Shal, I forgot.
Yes, well, deafness is forever, Trace.
A tattoo can be removed.
Painfully though.
And it will leave a scar.
My poor baby'll been marked for life because some irresponsible so-called adult I should have known It was you, weren't it? It weren't! You know I hate tattoos.
If you hate tattoos, what about Norman Parker, then? Who? You sat behind him in the fourth year.
Oh, yeah.
I remember him.
He smelt of wee.
I thought you fancied him.
No, I hated him.
He smelt of wee! Well, if you hated him, why did you get his name tattooed on your bum? What? Hold on Up! What does that say? Er .
.
re kraP mamroN.
Which is Norman Parker backwards.
Oh, my God! How did that get there? We were on a day trip to Ramsgate, 1976 - Yeah, I remember going to Ramsgate.
We'd been to a disco at the pier.
We with dancing round our handbags to Showaddywaddy.
Next door was this tattoo parlour.
Denise Hobbs - you remember her? Well, she dared you to go in.
I don't remember any of that.
Because you were bladdered on rum and blacks! Why didn't you stop me? Because I was bladdered as well! And you've only just decided to mention that now.
Well, I assumed you knew what was on your bum.
So, for 40 years, I've had some bloke that I hate on my back.
Story of your life.
Where were you all day, Sharon? I thought the average NHS doctor's appointment lasted seven minutes.
Yeah, the appointment lasts seven minutes.
It's the wait for the appointment that lasts all bloody day! Well, I really do sympathise, but I'll still have to dock your wages.
I didn't quite catch that.
You mean you really do have a hearing problem? Excellent! Excellent? There's a new government subsidy for companies who employ what we're supposed to call the "differently abled".
Oh, well I'm glad I could be of assistance! We might be able to get a blue badge now.
It's murder parking down that high street.
Why do people find deafness so funny, eh? You wouldn't take the mick out of someone if he was losing his sight.
And how comes every time I ask you and Travis to repeat something because I haven't heard, you go "it doesn't matter"? Well, it does matter, Tracey! I'm going deaf and I hate it! And that's not funny.
Sorry, Shal.
What did they actually say at the hospital? Not a lot.
Are you sure they weren't just speaking quietly? They said that I need a hearing aid.
OK? Oh, Shal It's not fair, Trace.
I'm not even old.
Well, not old old.
Look, it's not bad, Shal.
Them digital hearing aids now are near enough invisible.
And they cost a fortune.
We are hardly going to sell them at World of Quid, are we? I do believe we stock the batteries.
Look Look at 'em! They look like ear muffs.
I'll look like Dr Dre! Are they the new Dr Dre's? They're well nice.
Look, I won't be in for dinner tonight.
I think you will, love.
No, I won't.
I've got plans.
You're suspended from school.
It's not the same as a day's holiday.
It's crucial.
Rosie saw me getting tattooed and she thinks it's sick.
Yeah, so do I.
No.
Tracey, "sick" means good.
How do you know? Trust me.
It's what they say in the night shelter.
Although there sick probably does mean sick.
Hold on.
How did Rosie see it? On Youtube.
It's got 75 views so far.
My tattoo could go viral.
Well, if it does, I'm taking you straight up the doctors.
Cheers, Dor.
You were right.
Hold on.
What were you right about? Er, I just gave Travis the benefit of my considerable experience in affairs of the heart.
Excuse me.
I've got calls to make.
Hey, hold on a minute! Look, I just asked Dor - I wasn't talking to you! All I said was just because a girl says you no longer float her boat, doesn't mean that you give up on her.
There are ways of showing the depth of your feelings.
Dorien said a tattoo - No, I didn't.
You indiscreet little - Don't you have a go at my son! What did she do, take you up there and pretend to be your mum? His nan, more like.
Look, I just felt sorry for him.
You interfering old bat! You let some butcher with dirty fingernails stick needles into my son.
Well, I hardly think you should mention needles, Tracey! After all, is Botox so very different from a tattoo? You've had Botox? No, I haven't.
Yes, you have! Haven't you noticed? Tracey has not been able to frown for about two days.
Yes, I can.
No, you can't! It was the same with Melanie Fishman.
She's had enough fillers to resurface the M11.
I'm right, aren't I, Tracey! You haven't, Trace Mum? Well, everyone kept going on about how miserable I looked.
You hypocrite.
You gave me an hard time and then you go and get Botox.
I'm sorry.
Well, you don't LOOK sorry! Well, I'm trying to! I'm sorry.
I'm not sure I can accept your apology.
Oh, too bad.
Go to your room and I'll come and talk to you later.
That didn't work! So, how much did it actually cost for you to paralyse your boat? Not a lot.
It's about £500 in the suburbs, and treble that in Harley Street.
500 quid?! That could have got me the "Majestic Cordless with miniature, flesh-coloured ear pieces"! You can't expect luxury on the National Health, Sharon! And you have always been a staunch Labour supporter.
You should be proud to wear whatever clumsy, outdated device they deem suitable for the underclass.
What did you say? I said that looks very nice! Look, Shal, I've got 300 left out of my commission.
I was going to use it for Travis' West Ham season ticket, but the little tattooed sod can whistle for it.
I want you to have it.
No, I I couldn't, Trace.
You worked hard for that commission.
It wouldn't be fair.
It's not fair that you can't hear.
I'm fed up having to repeat myself.
Well, if you're sure, Trace.
I'm sure, Shal.
Thank you.
I love you, Tracey.
Love you, Shal.
Oh, I think I'm going to throw up.
Ah.
Turn that telly down, Trace.
It's deafening.
Have they fitted 'em already? Yeah! Ta-da! They're practically invisible.
How much they cost? Oh, don't you worry.
Your money will more than cover it.
Lovely.
I might have some change.
Yeah, yeah.
Course.
I'll sort it out later.
Argh! What's that?! What? Something brown and furry under the sofa! I think it moved.
Oh! It's just a pork ball I dropped last week.
I think I'm gonna spend tonight at the shelter.
A bit of fluff on it.
30 seconds in a microwave.
That'll be as good as new.
What you looking at me like that for? Where's your tattoo gone? Yeah, I was gonna say when I went to the hospital they said if you're over 55, you can get a free hearing aid.
So I thought that I'd use the money that you gave me to get rid of Norman Parker.
But you're not over 55.
I borrowed your ID.
You look nothing like me! Told 'em I'd been ill.
Very ill.
Oh, that's just typical.
Whenever I think you can't sink any lower.
You're greedy, selfish, immature - Oh, take a chill pill, why don't you? Oh Ooh I think you owe that pork ball a bit thank you, Tracey.
Why? You do seem to be regaining full use of your facial expressions.
Oh, yeah You should ask that clinic for a refund.
Oh
What great composer - Tracey, will you shut up? They're getting to the bit where they find the body on the beach next to the burning boat.
How do you know? Because they always find the body on the beach in one of those creepy seaside things like Broadcliff or Southchurch or Weston-super-Mare! Tracey, why do you always make me eat with chopsticks? Because it makes you eat slower, so it lasts longer and you feel fuller.
Yeah, well, it ain't working for me.
I'm still hungry.
Let's have one of your balls! Oh! I'll get it.
Leave it.
You won't, though, will you? I will though! It was loud enough before! You got ear wax or something? I never thought of that.
What is going on? My whole room started to vibrate! We don't need to know what you get up to in your room.
I'm working on my sequel.
I can't even hear to write.
What d'you mean? I always act out the most exciting passages before I commit them to paper.
You all right, Sharon? I've been here 30 seconds.
You haven't insulted me yet! You'll have to speak up, Dor.
I think I've got an ear infection.
Oh good! What? Nothing! Oh, Benedict Cumberbatch.
I'm rather partial to his Sherlock.
You mean you can read the names that come up at the end.
They're tiny! Ah.
Had laser eye surgery.
I now have the vision of a sparrowhawk.
And the body of an oven-ready chicken.
You heard that, did you, Sharon? I'm all right if I can see your lips.
Did it hurt? Not compared to a tummy tuck or a buttock lift.
You've had your aris hoisted? What is a aris? It's rhyming slang, Aristotle - bottle.
Oh, got it! Bottle of rum - tum.
No, bottle and glass - Bottom.
So have you had it done? Oh, don't be ridiculous.
Of course not.
These bad boys are the product of vigorous dieting, a sadistic personal trainer, and good genes.
What the ones with Lycra? You must have had something done, Dor.
I have never had to resort to cosmetic surgery.
Apart from a small tightening procedure.
South of the border.
Oh! They must have used a flipping big spanner! Well, I think it's all stupid.
Why can't people just grow old gracefully? Because some of us would like to grow old disgracefully! Well, I'd have the whole lot done if I had the money.
Belly, bum, boobs - That's because you're shallow.
You wanna watch that the wind don't change, Tracey.
You're stuck like that.
Like what? I don't look like that.
Do I? Your expression does tend to settle on somewhat disapproving contours.
She means you've got a face like a slapped arse.
Yeah, everyone says theirs does that.
Ours has got a built in sensor, freeing up your hands.
Oh, really? What for? Tune in the waterproof radio that comes free with every unit.
If it's so good, Tracey, then why are you offering the discount? My boss put his back out playing golf and I'm supporting a family of six - seven if you count Dorien - and I'm desperate.
Well? If I order 150 units, will you shut up? Then it's a deal! You've earnt yourself a nice bit of commission there.
I suppose.
Then cheer up.
Let's see a smile.
I am cheerful.
You could have fooled me.
Excuse me, Tracy.
Hello.
Oi, grandad, that ain't even plumbed in.
Oi, just get out! What's the worst thing that can happen? Sharon Osbourne.
I was really nervous at first.
But it was easy in the end.
Never knew I was so good at sales.
Shal? Sorry, Trace, I can't hear you over the toast! You really ought to do something about your hearing.
I am! I'm going to see the ear doctor later.
You'd better get your bum into gear, or you'll be late.
You all right, love? Just not very hungry.
I think I might have a tummy bug.
Have you been? Been where? Number two! Mum! Oh, Shal, he's all cold and clammy.
That's your hand cream, you prune! He ain't got a temperature.
Put your tongue out.
Let Auntie have a look.
No! Get off me! I will if you tell me why you're skiving! You're not moping over that Rosie, are you? I mean, there'll be other girls.
Nothing to do with Rosie.
What is it, then? You're not being bullied, are you? I knew it, Shal! They're bullying him, cos he did Latin! They what? They're not.
Then tell me what's wrong.
I've been suspended.
If you've been caught selling drugs, then can I have some, please? This is serious! If it's not drugs and it's not bullying - All right! Mr Thomas saw me in the changing room.
That is nothing to be ashamed of, Travis.
If you prefer boys to girls What? What? I'm just saying.
There's nothing wrong with it.
In fact, it's compulsory if you want a chat show on Channel 4.
It's not that.
Mr Thomas saw my tattoo and went into one.
Saw his what? Tattoo?! I heard that.
A tattoo of what? Well, a rose obviously.
Well, I hope it's not all over your bum, like that Cheryl Cole's! Why did you do it? Someone said that if I got Rosie's name tattooed over my heart it would prove that I love her and maybe she'd take me back.
What do you think? Oh, my God.
Bit pathetic, innit? Looks like a third nipple! But it's sweet.
It is not sweet.
I'm really angry.
You don't look really angry.
I thought you had to be 18.
Someone lent me their ID.
The same someone who told you to have a tattoo? Who was it? I'll kill 'em.
I can't say, Mum.
Er, good boy, Travis.
We don't grass in this family, remember? Eurgh! Oh! Look what the cat's dragged in.
Shut up, Sharon.
I haven't got time for your pathetic attempts at humour.
I'm running late.
Been documenting society's undercarriage? Actually, if you must know, Tracey, I have been volunteering at a night shelter.
You?! It's research for my next book, 70 Shades Of Soho.
Although the fact that the resident social worker is the spitting image of Johnny Depp makes it less of an ordeal.
Might have known there'd be a Johnny involved! You're not my mother, Tracey! No, she's mine.
Giving me a hard time, as usual! I'm entitled to.
You'll never guess what he's been and gone and done? "Been and gone and done.
" Is that even English? He's only been and gone and got himself suspended for getting a tattoo.
Oh, is that all? For a moment I thought he'd robbed a bank Nice one, Dor.
No, it's not nice.
It's bloody horrible.
Shouldn't you be at work? I've got a hospital appointment, haven't I? Oh, have you? I don't recall you asking your store manager for permission.
That's because my store manager has been out all night being a trollop.
See you later, Travis.
Good luck, mate.
So, how long are you suspended for? Just for today.
At least they're not making you have it lasered off.
Now, THAT is really painful.
How do you know? Erm I've had a certain amount of body art in my time.
Although, at the moment, I have just the one discreet little tattoo, somewhere only my closest friends will be able to see it.
Oh, yeah! And what does it say, "Open all hours"? Sorry, cobber, we're not open until next week.
Never mind that cobber cobblers, get your arse down here now! Is something wrong, Mum? I'll say.
Your brother's only been and got himself suspended for getting a tattoo and it's all your fault.
Look at the state of you! You OK? Your face looks well stretched.
Don't change the subject.
Look, you can't blame me if Travis wants to emulate his big brother's laid-back surfer-dude style.
You're supposed to be a role model.
He's only 17.
Someone must have lent him their ID.
I wouldn't do that.
Besides, most kids Travis' age have already got fake ID.
I had fake ID in the '90s.
How do you think I got into all them raves? What raves? The ones I went to, when you thought I was camping with the Boy Scouts.
All right, Tracey? What's wrong? You OK? Your face looks a bit strange.
You been stung or something? Nothing wrong with my face.
Yeah, that's how she normally looks.
Oh, my God! Not you an' all! Is everyone in Australia completely covered in tattoos? We're all inked up down under, Mum.
Garth got me this one for my birthday.
Stunning, isn't it? Angel wings, for an angel.
Oh, you're so poetic, babe.
Look, if you to wanna desecrate your bodies that's fine.
But Travis is still a baby.
What?! Travis has got a tattoo! Yep! And Mum thinks it was me who put him up to it.
Look, it weren't me.
Scout's honour.
Hello, P Oh, my God! Not you, too! What have they been and gone and done to you? It's only face paint.
Oh, sorry.
Mum, what's wrong with Tracey's face? How sweet That's the cupboard, Trace.
The telly's in the other room.
Well, it weren't Garthie.
Eh? Have you forgotten already? Travis' tattoo.
Yes, it did slipped my mind.
Maybe I have been preoccupied with the news of my devastating hearing loss! Sorry, Shal, I forgot.
Yes, well, deafness is forever, Trace.
A tattoo can be removed.
Painfully though.
And it will leave a scar.
My poor baby'll been marked for life because some irresponsible so-called adult I should have known It was you, weren't it? It weren't! You know I hate tattoos.
If you hate tattoos, what about Norman Parker, then? Who? You sat behind him in the fourth year.
Oh, yeah.
I remember him.
He smelt of wee.
I thought you fancied him.
No, I hated him.
He smelt of wee! Well, if you hated him, why did you get his name tattooed on your bum? What? Hold on Up! What does that say? Er .
.
re kraP mamroN.
Which is Norman Parker backwards.
Oh, my God! How did that get there? We were on a day trip to Ramsgate, 1976 - Yeah, I remember going to Ramsgate.
We'd been to a disco at the pier.
We with dancing round our handbags to Showaddywaddy.
Next door was this tattoo parlour.
Denise Hobbs - you remember her? Well, she dared you to go in.
I don't remember any of that.
Because you were bladdered on rum and blacks! Why didn't you stop me? Because I was bladdered as well! And you've only just decided to mention that now.
Well, I assumed you knew what was on your bum.
So, for 40 years, I've had some bloke that I hate on my back.
Story of your life.
Where were you all day, Sharon? I thought the average NHS doctor's appointment lasted seven minutes.
Yeah, the appointment lasts seven minutes.
It's the wait for the appointment that lasts all bloody day! Well, I really do sympathise, but I'll still have to dock your wages.
I didn't quite catch that.
You mean you really do have a hearing problem? Excellent! Excellent? There's a new government subsidy for companies who employ what we're supposed to call the "differently abled".
Oh, well I'm glad I could be of assistance! We might be able to get a blue badge now.
It's murder parking down that high street.
Why do people find deafness so funny, eh? You wouldn't take the mick out of someone if he was losing his sight.
And how comes every time I ask you and Travis to repeat something because I haven't heard, you go "it doesn't matter"? Well, it does matter, Tracey! I'm going deaf and I hate it! And that's not funny.
Sorry, Shal.
What did they actually say at the hospital? Not a lot.
Are you sure they weren't just speaking quietly? They said that I need a hearing aid.
OK? Oh, Shal It's not fair, Trace.
I'm not even old.
Well, not old old.
Look, it's not bad, Shal.
Them digital hearing aids now are near enough invisible.
And they cost a fortune.
We are hardly going to sell them at World of Quid, are we? I do believe we stock the batteries.
Look Look at 'em! They look like ear muffs.
I'll look like Dr Dre! Are they the new Dr Dre's? They're well nice.
Look, I won't be in for dinner tonight.
I think you will, love.
No, I won't.
I've got plans.
You're suspended from school.
It's not the same as a day's holiday.
It's crucial.
Rosie saw me getting tattooed and she thinks it's sick.
Yeah, so do I.
No.
Tracey, "sick" means good.
How do you know? Trust me.
It's what they say in the night shelter.
Although there sick probably does mean sick.
Hold on.
How did Rosie see it? On Youtube.
It's got 75 views so far.
My tattoo could go viral.
Well, if it does, I'm taking you straight up the doctors.
Cheers, Dor.
You were right.
Hold on.
What were you right about? Er, I just gave Travis the benefit of my considerable experience in affairs of the heart.
Excuse me.
I've got calls to make.
Hey, hold on a minute! Look, I just asked Dor - I wasn't talking to you! All I said was just because a girl says you no longer float her boat, doesn't mean that you give up on her.
There are ways of showing the depth of your feelings.
Dorien said a tattoo - No, I didn't.
You indiscreet little - Don't you have a go at my son! What did she do, take you up there and pretend to be your mum? His nan, more like.
Look, I just felt sorry for him.
You interfering old bat! You let some butcher with dirty fingernails stick needles into my son.
Well, I hardly think you should mention needles, Tracey! After all, is Botox so very different from a tattoo? You've had Botox? No, I haven't.
Yes, you have! Haven't you noticed? Tracey has not been able to frown for about two days.
Yes, I can.
No, you can't! It was the same with Melanie Fishman.
She's had enough fillers to resurface the M11.
I'm right, aren't I, Tracey! You haven't, Trace Mum? Well, everyone kept going on about how miserable I looked.
You hypocrite.
You gave me an hard time and then you go and get Botox.
I'm sorry.
Well, you don't LOOK sorry! Well, I'm trying to! I'm sorry.
I'm not sure I can accept your apology.
Oh, too bad.
Go to your room and I'll come and talk to you later.
That didn't work! So, how much did it actually cost for you to paralyse your boat? Not a lot.
It's about £500 in the suburbs, and treble that in Harley Street.
500 quid?! That could have got me the "Majestic Cordless with miniature, flesh-coloured ear pieces"! You can't expect luxury on the National Health, Sharon! And you have always been a staunch Labour supporter.
You should be proud to wear whatever clumsy, outdated device they deem suitable for the underclass.
What did you say? I said that looks very nice! Look, Shal, I've got 300 left out of my commission.
I was going to use it for Travis' West Ham season ticket, but the little tattooed sod can whistle for it.
I want you to have it.
No, I I couldn't, Trace.
You worked hard for that commission.
It wouldn't be fair.
It's not fair that you can't hear.
I'm fed up having to repeat myself.
Well, if you're sure, Trace.
I'm sure, Shal.
Thank you.
I love you, Tracey.
Love you, Shal.
Oh, I think I'm going to throw up.
Ah.
Turn that telly down, Trace.
It's deafening.
Have they fitted 'em already? Yeah! Ta-da! They're practically invisible.
How much they cost? Oh, don't you worry.
Your money will more than cover it.
Lovely.
I might have some change.
Yeah, yeah.
Course.
I'll sort it out later.
Argh! What's that?! What? Something brown and furry under the sofa! I think it moved.
Oh! It's just a pork ball I dropped last week.
I think I'm gonna spend tonight at the shelter.
A bit of fluff on it.
30 seconds in a microwave.
That'll be as good as new.
What you looking at me like that for? Where's your tattoo gone? Yeah, I was gonna say when I went to the hospital they said if you're over 55, you can get a free hearing aid.
So I thought that I'd use the money that you gave me to get rid of Norman Parker.
But you're not over 55.
I borrowed your ID.
You look nothing like me! Told 'em I'd been ill.
Very ill.
Oh, that's just typical.
Whenever I think you can't sink any lower.
You're greedy, selfish, immature - Oh, take a chill pill, why don't you? Oh Ooh I think you owe that pork ball a bit thank you, Tracey.
Why? You do seem to be regaining full use of your facial expressions.
Oh, yeah You should ask that clinic for a refund.
Oh