It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s10e05 Episode Script

Happy New Year 2016 - New Year, New Color ;-) That's what's good about a beer.
- It's good.
- It just keeps cycling through you.
Guys, guys, guys.
We've got terrible news.
- What do you got? - You know that Chinese fish factory across the street? The one with the horrible smell? - Ew.
- Of course.
Disgusting.
They've installed security cameras pointed directly at Paddy's.
- What? - They're pointing at us? - They can't do that.
- Bullshit! Are they spying on us? Yes, I think they're spying on us, and you know what else? They bought the building next door.
They are expanding like crazy.
I'm telling you, it is only a matter of time before the Chinese take us over.
Oh, they've always been very secretive for a fish factory.
And do you ever feel like maybe they're using that fish smell to cover up, like, maybe some other mysterious smell? It is an incredibly strong smell.
It's turned me off of fish.
- Me too.
- Oh, I'm off of fish.
- And I used to eat so much fish, guys.
- I love fish.
- Because of all the good fatty acids.
- A good fish, a solid fish? Protein, omega numbers So many omegas threes, fours and fives.
- Melts in your mouth.
- You get to eat all your scales.
- Don't eat the scales.
- You won't get scales unless it's a fish or a reptile.
- Don't eat reptiles.
- I'm not eating all reptiles, just the good ones.
Okay, guys, we got a plan.
Dee, come with us.
- Yeah.
- You're gonna help us gather intel.
- Okay.
There she goes.
- Let's do it.
Come on.
And then, what do Frank and I do? Well, you guys just hang back, uh, do your thing.
Don't eat reptiles and just hang out.
- You're going with Dee over us? - Right.
Is this 'cause you guys have been living at her place ever since your fire? I feel like, you burn your place down, you move into Dee's - and now you're getting all buddy-buddy - Yeah, chummy-chummy.
Yeah, I guess so, if you need.
That's crazy! Dee over us? I mean, you can't count on her.
You're completely unreliable, Dee, really.
You're, like, all gangly and uncoordinated.
And she's constantly gonna back-sass you.
- Oh, she'll argue with everything you say.
- It's bullshit.
No, you know what's bullshit? Me getting boxed out all the time.
And these guys have finally realized by living with me that old Dee is pretty cool after all, and pretty funny too.
So maybe I shouldn't be the butt of everybody's jokes anymore.
Let's Let's not get crazy, Dee.
- You're always gonna be the butt of our jokes.
- Whatever.
Let's roll.
We're still gonna make jokes at your expense.
All right.
Uh, just hang.
Uh, we're good.
- Huh? - What the hell was that? Something stinks here, Charlie, and it ain't just the fish.
The other day, I was trying to get in the back office - Yeah? - Dennis had the door locked.
Mac locked the door too.
- What is that? - Who locks the office door? I feel like they're always sneaking around now, and they're all nervous.
Something big is definitely going down.
I got a plan.
How about you and I spy on that Chinese factory? But, Charlie, I trust the Chinese as far as I could throw their factory.
- Mm-hmm.
- But the real threat isn't abroad, Charlie.
It's right here at home.
We gotta spy on Mac and Dennis.
Oh, God, that smell.
The air quality in here is terrible! How do these people survive in this? Ooh.
Well, you know the Chinese.
It's business first, breathing second.
Goddamn it! At least we know it's a real fish factory and not some sort of a front for something.
- Well - Dee, we don't know that for sure.
That's why you gotta get a job here.
- I gotta get a job here? What am I looking for? - Shady practices, you know? Sketchy dealings.
Schematics.
Ah, human rights violations, anything, Dee.
Just-Just, you know, gather intel.
Okay.
What are you guys gonna do? Dee, you're on a need-to-know basis here.
There's a chain of command here.
You're at the very bottom.
- You're way down.
- At least tell me what the whole plan is.
Dee, the one time we bring you in on a thing instead of Charlie and all we get is back-sass and questions? - Do you want to be on the team or not? - Yeah.
Yeah, I want to be part of the team, okay? Yes, sorry.
So how do I gather the intel? Oh, Jesus Chri Talk to people.
I don't know.
Flirt with the manager.
He'll love how "pretty" and "blonde" you are.
Don't do that.
I'm blonde.
Look, my mind goes to that office up there.
What kind of shady shit's going on in there? Now I'm doing your job for you.
Let's get Charlie.
I don't want to hold her hand.
No, no, no, no, no.
No Charlie.
No Charlie, okay? I got this, you guys.
I got this.
- Don't worry about me.
I got this.
- Okay, we need you, Dee.
- Go.
Go.
- Go.
All right.
Good.
It sucks not having our own apartment.
- We got to get back in there.
- I know.
I hate Dee.
Dennis, I hate her.
I know, but at least we got her out of our hair for a little while and we can finally do our plan.
Yes, okay.
- Oh, goddamn it.
- What is that? Goddamn it! All right, look.
Let's just deal with it, and then get back to business.
Yeah, okay.
All right, all right.
I'm coming! I'm coming.
Jesus Christ.
Ugh.
- Hey, guys.
- What do you want, Charlie? We're busy.
I wanted to apologize about, um, snapping earlier today with words at you guys, and then I came here to make an apology apology words.
- What's he talking about? - I don't know.
I don't remember.
Okay, thank you.
Hang on! Hang on a second.
I got you guys a flower arrangement for you.
- Great.
Thanks.
- You can't just have it.
There's a plan.
I have to come in and give it to you.
And put it down.
Fine.
Come in, put 'em down and then go.
- Okay, I'm in.
- He's in.
Okay.
Uh Put the vase close to them, so we can see them.
Right.
Okay.
And good.
Where are you guys spending most of your time? It's a very small apartment.
We're all over the place.
Just put 'em anywhere.
And I'll put 'em down right here then.
No.
No good.
Move 'em.
Can't put 'em here though.
- Where can I put 'em? - Dude, any Put 'em in the trash for all we care.
Putting 'em a little further back, so - Yeah, that's good.
- And right about here.
Uh, great.
We don't care.
It's fine.
No, to the left.
- To the left, you say? - Didn't say that.
- Don't talk out loud to me.
- Roger that.
- Who's Roger? - Who's Roger? Just Thinking about legally changing my name to Roger.
What's wrong with your ear, dude? Just A spider crawled up in my ear.
It's living there.
Right.
Sends its thoughts to me.
Is it telling you to leave? Spider, can I leave? Charlie, just a little to the left.
- Right there.
That's good.
Now get out of there.
- Okay.
Oh, Jesus Chr - Let's get back to business, please.
- Yeah, come on.
I was doing a little research earlier, and I stumbled upon something huge.
Hey, man.
Can you hear and see everything? - They're talking about research.
- Research, huh? It is everything that we've been looking for.
Dude, it's gonna save us so much time.
It is a game changer.
Check this out.
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah.
There's so much potential here.
- What is it? - This is great! - I can't see.
- Yeah, shit.
So, listen, do me a favor.
Give me a little time with this, okay? Let me dig into this, see what the potential really is.
Yeah, I'll give you some space.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Oh, and Mac.
- Yeah? - One more thing.
- Mm-hmm? Throw those goddamn flowers in the trash.
Yeah.
Right.
Pieces of shit.
- Goddamn it! - Son of a bitch.
- We got to get our hands on that laptop.
- Right.
Name's Dee.
I'm new around here.
So what's the deal with these masks, huh? Are they gonna protect you from the fish or protect the fish from you? Am I right? No.
I didn't get that.
You chop fish, pull gut! "Pull gut.
" Totally, yeah.
Listen, I'm gonna pop this off 'cause it's not protecting me from the smell so I'm not really sure what its point is.
Hey.
Give me the skinny.
Are you guys up to anything non-fish related around here or Seriously? All right, goddamn it.
You are of no use to me.
Oh, here we go.
Uh, excuse me.
Hello.
Hi.
Um Uh, my name's Dee, and I'm new around here and I just would love to chat with you sometime in private, you know? Maybe up in your secret private office up there? I need you to chop fish and pull the gut.
Yeah.
No, I get it.
I get that you're a chop-fish, pull-gut factory.
Wait, wait, wait! Don't go anywhere.
Hi.
Um Uh, how about this, huh? Uh-oh.
What do you see, huh? American girl, blue eyes, blonde hair Aaah! It's got me! It's got me good! Aaah! It's in my mouth.
It's getting in - Hi.
Hey, guys.
- What are you doing, dude? - You texted us 911.
What's the emergency? - Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Uh, well our friendship's in danger, so I stole Frank's credit card.
You guys want to have lunch? - You got Frank's card? - I got the card.
All right, I'm annoyed, but I could eat.
All right, let's go.
To be honest with you, my taste for fish is returning.
I've been thinking about it all day.
My taste for fish is slowly returning too.
And Guigino's does have the best fish.
Very well.
You know, maybe just order a couple apps though.
I think Frank would prefer that, you know Who cares what Frank prefers? We're buying this food with his stolen credit card.
And I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that.
- Uh, welcome back, gentlemen.
- I'm sorry.
Do I know you, pal? - I've never seen this man before in my life.
- I waited on you before.
You tied my shoelaces together.
I fell down.
I'm getting nothing.
I'm drawing a blank on this guy.
That means nothing to me.
What are you saying? A scalding hot plate of spaghetti fell into my face? I'm to remember every man I've seen fall into a plate of spaghetti? Never mind.
Uh, can I get your order? - Get me the snapper, bozo.
- Snapper fish for the man.
Actually, our fish supplier had an incident at their facility so we are limited on fish.
Market price is quite high today.
Do you have the snapper or not? Yeah, uh, we do.
But it's $44.
Ooh.
Oh, my God.
All right.
Then let's do something cheaper.
Chicken or, uh No, I'm in a fish mood now.
Fish has been established.
- It was established, wasn't it? - Yeah, it was.
So three snappers.
Why are we talking about it so much? Get the goddamn snappers.
- Okay.
- Get the snapper! - Jesus Christ.
- Who is that guy? Guigino's is slipping.
Slipping.
It is.
They are slipping.
They do have great fish though.
- So, what's going on with our friendship? - Yeah.
Okay.
Ha.
Charlie, I'm in.
How you doing? You having lunch? Keeping them busy? Uh, yeah.
But slight hitch though.
The snapper is, uh, $44.
What? No, no, no, no $44.
Get 'em appetizers.
I know, but, like, they want fish, and I kind of want fish too and the waiter said it's the market price, so All right.
Wait, I got the laptop.
Let me go to the search history.
Holy shit.
Damn it.
Sweeping up fish guts with a broom? Got to be some kind of workers' rights violation.
What are you Aaah, you idiot! Are you picking it up with your hands? Uh, hell no, lady.
No.
Look, I realize this might all be moon talk to you but I'm not touching fish guts with my hands, okay? You know what we could do? Yeah, like just disperse it.
You know what I mean? Just send it all over the place.
Nobody will know.
Just kind of There we go.
Whoa, uh-oh.
Lay off.
I know.
Yeah, it's so crazy.
I saw that.
Hi, Frank.
Sweet hat and jacket.
- Don't Charlie, don't sit there.
- Huh? - Sit back there.
We gotta be smart about this.
- Yeah, all right.
Why didn't we just meet back at the apartment? That would've been better.
Because you got me thinking about fish.
Oh, right, nice.
Yeah, get the snapper.
It's delicious.
- Mmm.
- Hi.
How can I help you? Oh, perfect.
You're here now too.
You're talking to me like you know me.
Have we ever met? Let's just move past this part.
What can I get you? I'm gonna have the snapper.
And I'm gonna buy one for the strange man behind me who I've never met.
Gentlemen, I hate to inform you two strangers here that we are out of snapper.
We had some issues with our local supplier so we are completely out of fish today.
How do you not have fish? It says "Fresh fish daily" on the menu.
Well, I just explained it.
I went step by step.
But how come you don't have it? It's on the menu.
- For the reasons I said.
- You have no snapper? - The sequence of events - It says here, "snapper.
" - Do you have fish or not? - Can I get you a non-fish entrée? - You can get lost.
- With pleasure.
All right, so, what did you find out? - I think I know what those guys are up to.
- Can I just sit over there? - I feel like the cover's blown now, and now I have to - All right, sit over here.
- I think I know what they're up to.
- Okay, what? I think Mac and Dennis are going into business with the Chinese guys across the street.
- What? - They're gonna open up some kind of pastry factory.
What? What makes you think that? I saw it on their search history.
Only two words came up "Asians" and "cream pies.
" Oh, shit.
They're gonna turn Paddy's into some kind of Asian cream pie factory! - Those bastards! - Yeah! - Oh, my God! - Sons of bitches! - What are we gonna do? - Beat them at their own game.
Okay, the Chinese want cream pies, they'll get cream pies.
But only, they're not gonna get them from those bozos.
They're gonna be getting their cream pies from us.
Can I go now? I feel like you had a really long session last time.
I did, yeah.
I went on for a long time, but that's how much it takes.
I'm trying to build up to something, to a major finish.
And I didn't get to because Charlie interrupted us with his goddamn emergency lunch.
What are you doing? I really don't want to stumble across whatever it is that you're stumbling across.
- Let me finish.
- Wait, no We got a problem here.
- What? - The Internet's not working.
What? No.
No! Come on! Oh, son of a bitch.
What is it, Charlie? We're in the middle of a crisis.
Trouble getting online? Yeah, how did you know that? We need to talk.
Hi, how can I help Oh, you're back.
Why do you look familiar to me? I'm the waiter you didn't tip earlier.
Yeah, well, you're not gonna get tipped again with that attitude.
We'll take the snapper.
Uh, this guy too.
He's with us.
Well, as I told this gentleman only moments ago, we are out of fish today.
We came to Guigino's for the fish.
It says "Fresh fish daily.
" Uh, you know what, Dennis? I'll have a plate of piping-hot spaghetti instead.
Extra sauce.
All right.
You know what? That sounds good.
I'll take spaghetti too.
Nice and sloppy.
- So you do remember me.
- We're busy.
- He wants spaghetti.
I want spaghetti too.
- He's gonna get spaghetti.
- Get us the spaghetti.
- And some snapper, if you have it.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
- What's that guy's attitude? - I don't know what that guy's deal is.
Hey, you know what we should do? We should tie his shoelaces together.
Classic.
When he falls, it'll spill all over.
Yeah, the spaghetti will get on him.
I've always wanted to see that.
Can I come sit with you guys? I feel my cover's blown.
You don't have a goddamn cover.
You're dressed like it's Halloween.
- Come over here.
- I'm coming over.
- What's going on, man? - What's going on? Listen, Frank's onto you.
That's why I had Dee's Internet shut down.
He knows what you're doing.
- Come on.
- Frank knows what we're doing? Yes.
And honestly, guys, you should be ashamed of yourselves, really.
What? I'm not ashamed.
I'm a little bit ashamed, but I think that's natural.
Look, here's the thing.
Now Frank wants to start doing it too.
- So what? - So what? Let him do it.
Well, he wants me to do it with him.
- I assumed you two did that already.
- Me too.
No! He wants us to do it with the Chinese guy across the street.
I knew you wouldn't be into that.
Well, no, I'm not into that.
That's bizarre.
Exactly.
I feel like I should be doing it with you guys.
Oh.
- Come on, man.
- This is getting weird and messy.
I don't want to get you involved.
There's too many people.
- Just go do it with Frank.
- Is Dee in on it? - Ew! God, no! - Come on.
Why would we That's why she's at the factory, to distract her.
Come on, guys.
It should be you and me, okay? I like cream pies as much as the next guy.
Oh, shh-shh Don't say it out loud.
Okay, okay, okay.
Let me make a cream pie for you, okay? Then you can try it.
See what you think.
I do not want to taste your cream pie.
They taste great, I can guarantee it.
You've tasted yours? - Of course I have.
Haven't you? - No! I've tasted mine.
I didn't like it.
- I've tasted mine, yeah.
- I-I liked mine.
Whatever, dude.
If you don't care about the taste, fine.
- But they're not just gonna be for us anyway.
- It's not What? - We're gonna sell them to everyone in Philly.
- Who the hell's gonna buy 'em? Everyone's gonna buy 'em.
Everyone loves them, especially little kids.
- Ew, dude! - Little kids? I'd love watching a kid do it.
- Dude, you are gonna get in a lot of trouble.
- Hell, no, dude.
It's not like I'm gonna do it without the parents' permission.
- No parent is gonna let you - Where are you gonna go? The parents are gonna watch.
They're not gonna watch! What are you talking about? - We gotta go overseas for that.
That's disg - No.
That's as American as it gets.
You gotta think about this as a business venture.
The three of us combining our ingredients making, like, one gigantic, delicious cream pie some little kid sucking it down, and he's paying us for the pleasure.
Hang on a second.
What kind of cream pie are you talking about? What kind of cream pie are you talking about? Everyone loves them.
Comedians, baseball players, even protesters.
Cream pies are a rich American tradition and also delicious.
Mmm, my mouth's getting wet just watching her eat that cream pie.
Asians know electronics.
And fish.
But Americans know cream pies except for them.
God bless cream pies Look, I'm an experienced businessman with a long history in Asian countries.
Imagine my cream pie taste and know-how combined with your underpaid labor force? We could corner the cream pie market.
Wait.
Wait just a second.
It's, uh It's my business partner.
Hello? I'm in the middle of the meeting now.
The video killed.
What do you mean, it's not the same kind of cream pie? Oh, wait.
I'll look.
Holy shit.
Holy shi Well, it looks like relying on old Dee really paid off for you guys after all, huh? What are you talking about? My series of accidents shut the whole factory down for, like, a couple days.
We never asked you to shut down the factory.
That's what's been driving up the price of fish.
Snapper's way up.
Snapper's through the roof.
Snapper's through the roof.
We're out of snapper, Dee! I told you.
You can't count on her.
We stole our Wi-Fi from that place too.
Did you know that? Now we got no Wi-Fi because of you.
Actually, we're pretty dependent on that Chinese factory.
We need the Chinese, Dee.
We need the Yeah, for the cream, for the cr Don't Guys, you know what? She seems fine, and I'm not worried about her.
Let's go discuss our research a little bit further, yeah? Ooh, for what? For what? For one of our next schemes? Yeah.
Yeah.
For the next scheme, Dee.
- Uh, we'll be in touch.
- Yeah.
Oh, you guys could just do that here.
Wait, I can call for more chairs.
Listen, guys, uh, first of all I'm gonna suggest that we reset our browser each time we do a research session.
That's a good idea.
For privacy.
- Right.
- Yeah, no more spying on ourselves.
That doesn't really gather any useful information.
- No, it's just all porn.
- Right.
- We should keep spying on the Chinese though.
- Oh, absolutely.
When I was over there, I looked at their search history It's all porn too.
- Is it? - Ah, we're all doing it.
I think what you're gonna find when you're spying on the general population is that everyone is just, uh, masturbating constantly.
- I know I am.
- Yeah.
And yet you've never heard of a cream pie.
Happy New Year 2016 - New Year, New Color ;-)