My Family (2000) s10e05 Episode Script

Mmm Mm-hm? - Mmm.
- Mmm.
Place to ourselves, eh? Soft jazz, a glass of wine What could be better? Evening, breeders! Our son coming home drunk from a gay bar.
What makes you think I'm drunk? You don't live here any more.
OK, I'm a little drunk.
Michael, we appreciate that you are interested in exploring your new lifestyle, but you are out night after night, drinking yourself senseless, enjoying yourself in some gay bar with no responsibilities, answerable to no-one, coming back to a house that you've supposedly left - and taking out whatever you want.
- What's your point? What do you mean, my point? The point is why can't I do that? I mean, not, not, not the gay part, but I just wanna have fun! What happened to the ''place to ourselves, the wine, the music''? Yeah, but night after night, Susan? (MOBILE RINGS) Hello? Yes.
What do you mean, you have my phone? You can't have, I'm talking on it! Wait, this one's red.
I'll be right down.
I'm up, I'm up.
Michael, you are in no condition to go anywhere.
Besides, it's late, and the streets are dangerous at this time of night.
You could be killed.
Ben, you go.
- Thanks, Dad.
- What, me?! - In a gay bar?! - Why not? Hello? Ben Harper in a gay bar? It'd be like putting a dog on a meat wagon.
Would you be the dog or the meat wagon? SusanI've just had a bath, I'm covered in cologne.
This specimen of manhood walking into a gay bar would be like a red rag to a bull.
- I think I'm gonna throw up.
- Me too.
It's all right, you can go in.
It says ''no exceptions''.
Well, not no exceptions.
- Can I get you something? - Oh, offering me a drink? Yes, I'm a bartender, it's what I do.
I hate to disappoint you, but actually I'm straight.
OK.
Would you like a drink? Look, let's cut through the flirtation and the sexual tension, shall we? Which is rather uncomfortable for me, only end badly for you.
Truth is, I'm just here to retrieve my son's phone.
Ah! I need to see some ID.
Ah, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Hardly old enough to have a son.
No, I just want to check you're Michael's dad.
Here's my bus padriving licence.
- There you go.
- Thank you.
- Would you like a drink? - Oh, you don't give up, do you? Since you won't leave it alone, I'll have one beer, OK? - One beer.
- Ten quid.
Thanks.
I suppose it's good for business when a man like me has a beer here, hm? - Change? - What change? That's it, keep on walking, keep on walking Hello, is this seat free? Ah, ha-ha, here we go again.
Um, yes, this seat is available, but unfortunately I'm not.
Truth is, I'm straight.
So I can take it? Back to the wall, keep smiling, keep smiling.
Excuse me, can I ask you something? Oh, I think I know where this is going.
- Look, the reality is - Is your name Stephen? St Er, no, Ben.
Oh, thank God! I was set up on a blind date here with a Stephen and I was afraid you were him.
No offence.
You just never know what your friends are thinking, right? ID.
No exceptions.
Oh, thank you very much(!) Where you going, hot stuff? - How was the bar? - Fine! - Everything go all right? - Susan, can we, just for once in our lives, go to sleep without having some interminable discussion? You didn't get hit on, did you? Can we just drop this? - I don't know why you're laughing.
- Oh, I think you do.
Susan, as I am not gay myself, would it not be rather irrational and egotistical of me if I were upset that a bunch of gay guys weren't interested in me? Yes, you would be irrational and egotistical.
Anyway, maybe it's just my clothes.
I don't know, maybe they're too baggy.
Oh, this is truly ridiculous, even for you, Ben.
Maybe it's the shirt - - should've tucked it in.
- Maybe you should've sucked it in.
May I remind you that you're heterosexual? Too much so, most of the time.
So why would you care if men didn't notice you? No, no, no, it's just the principle of the thing.
But hang on, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, you know, you're on to something.
Yeah, yeah, of course, that's it! They weren't into me cos I'm too straight! I ooze heterosexuality.
It's practically seeping out of my every pore.
Care to prove it? Nah, you're all right.
Mummy, can I go outside and play? - Absolutely not.
- Is it because I've been bad? No, it's because you're so good! - I'm not following you.
- That makes two of us.
I'm just trying to keep him safe, Mum.
People are speeding through this neighbourhood.
I'll tell you what this street needs - speed bumps! That's a good idea.
You should petition the council for that.
You know, I should.
Yeah, I'll petition the council and demand that they put in speed bumps for the safety of our children.
Oh, God, listen to me.
When did I become responsible? Janey, it goes with the territory of being a good mother.
I'm a ''good mother'' now? Don't worry, it stops when you get the white wine out of the fridge.
But I used to be cool and hip.
Oh, God, I just said ''hip''.
What's happened to me? I'm turning into a sad, old suburban housewife like Like who, dear? Just lost my train of thought.
- Shield your eyes, everyone.
- Why? Ow! Hey, babies! Ladies and gentlemenBono! Just thought I'd youth-en up the old image a bit, you know? Gotta stay hip, eh, Mikey? Gotta stay cool.
What do you think of your granddad, eh, Kenzo? What? What's the matter with him? He's scared of clowns.
He's too young to appreciate style.
All right, Ben, what's going on? You're never too old to be with it and trendy, Susan.
Does this have anything to do with last night's little crisis? Sorry, no idea what you're talking about.
Hey, Mikey, why don't you and I go out tonight and celebrate your birthday? - My birthday was four months ago.
- Perfect.
No problem.
Come on.
Why don't we go to that bar you like so much? The gay one? It's not! Is it? Really? Oh, please OK, as a father, Mikey, it's very important that I support you in all your endeavours.
- Oh, you're so unselfish(!) - Mock all you like, Susan, but I will support my son, no matter how uncomfortable it may be.
- I think I'll just go and change, Mikey.
- Do.
- Mum - Hm? if you'd had an affair, and he's not my real dad, now would be a great time to tell me.
I thought you said you were going to change.
I tried, but I couldn't get out of them, OK? You know, Dad, it's weird to think that all the way through my childhood, I wanted you to come camping with me.
Now you are Look at this - that is style, look at that.
What's his story, then? - Hi, there, sexy.
- Haven't heard that for a while.
Not surprised, Granddad, I was talking to him.
Give me a call, yeah? What's that all about? He gave you his card.
What is? Youth, is it, that sells here, does it, the hot commodity, youth? What happened to life experience, you know, sophistication? Says the man in the tight yellow T-shirt.
Talking of tight, I think I need to get another drink - give us a hand.
(MOBILE RINGS) - Hello? - Michael, what's happening down there? Dad's standing there looking like a traffic cone, - and everyone's avoiding the accident.
- Has anyone hit on him yet? Somebody spilled a beer on him.
Does that count? Michael, you know your father.
His ego is hurting right now, as usual.
If no-one's paying him any attention, he's going to get it into his head that maybe he's not attractive.
But he's not attractive.
Just do me a favour and get someone to hit on him.
What?! Trust me, he's not going to leave that place until somebody makes a play for him.
Just to clarify, my mother's asking me to find a gay man to hit on my father? Ask one of your friends to do it.
Oh, that makes it better.
I've finished.
Yay! I think I'll kill myself now.
That road is getting worse out there.
A little old lady nearly got knocked down.
Now, if we had speed bumps, I would have been going much slower.
Well, at least you're doing something about it.
Yes, I am.
I've been collecting all the data, doing my research.
By the time I finish my presentation, Mum, they won't be able to say no.
- I'm proud of you, darling.
- (DOORBELL RINGS) But ''traffic'' is spelt with two Fs.
Janey, Janey, I've gotta talk to you.
- What? - Oh, please, Sasha, do come in.
I've managed to score us tickets to the Elle Magazine Style Awards party! Sasha, you're the best! You have no idea what I had to do to get these tickets.
Oh, I could take a wild guess.
I'll pick you up Thursday night at eight? Great.
Excuse me, excuse me.
Isn't Thursday the evening you're petitioning for the speed bumps? Oh, yeah Don't they meet every month? Janey, you'd rather go to a party than do something for the safety of your son? Well, Kenzo's got to learn not to play in traffic anyway, so OK, fine.
Sorry, Sasha.
Oh, that's all right, I'm sure I'll manage to find somebody else to dance with Jude Law and Orlando Bloom.
I'm free.
Well, I am.
Ah, there you are, Mikey, Mikey, ha-ha.
Sorry, I've gotta leave - nipples beginning to chafe.
Let's give it a few more minutes.
Sorry, Mikey, I'm beginning to lose all sensation in my legs.
Well, hello, there.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Talking to him, I suppose? I didn't know he was there.
No, I'm talking to you.
Oh! Really? I've had my eye on you for some time.
Yeah, OK, fine.
Er, little awkward, OK.
I'm only here to support my gay son.
And, er, the truth is, I'm straight.
I like a challenge.
Here's my number.
Call me.
Er.
Sorry, here's my, um Here's my card.
Just call me, OK? If you need, er, dental work.
- Dental work? - Yeah.
Oh! Understood.
Susan.
Susan! Wake up, wake up! - No, wake up, wake up, wake up! - No.
No, wake up, wake up! Look, Susan, look at me.
Look at me, Susan.
For a man my age, I am amazingly well-preserved, am I not? Like a mummy.
So, how was tonight's foray to the gay bar? Tragic, Susan, it was tragic.
Just as I feared, one of the poor fools just threw himself at me.
Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yep, wouldn't let me leave until he gave me his card.
It's justit's sad, so sad.
Can we put this to bed now? - I mean, the little crisis, I mean? - Well, I tell you what, babe.
I guess I've still got it, huh? I never probably lost it.
Hey, care to fool around? Wait a minute, let me get this straightas it were.
Now you're in the mood for it, having been validated by the gay community? Well, say what you will, they do have taste.
My milk shake brings all the boys to the yard.
Oh, please! Are you going to take those trousers off? I can't.
(DOORBELL RINGS) Who can that be at this hour? I don't know.
Do the fashion police make house calls? Probably Michael, forgotten where he lives again.
I'm going to go down and give him a piece of my mind.
- Well? - Give us a hand.
Thank you.
All right, get in here, get upstairs, I don't want to hear another word, just get yourself into bed! Steady, tiger.
Rupert.
I followed you home! Too much? Yep, yep, far too much.
I couldn't stop thinking about you.
Rupert, Rupert, this is very flattering, and of course I understand your infatuation, it's perfectly natural, actually, understandable, logical even Sorry, getting sidetracked Ah, here's the thing, I'm married - and I have a wife upstairs right now.
- Out of the way, that's good.
No, no! It's not good.
Fine, go to her.
But you'll be thinking of me.
I will now.
- He actually came to the house? - Oh, yeah, yeah, wouldn't leave.
He stayed on the porch all night and gave a medley of show tunes.
I thought he was rather good.
He's been texting me all morning.
- The man is insane.
- Not necessarily.
He could have unlimited texting.
Oh, very funny, very I'm glad you're taking this seriously.
(BEEPING) Oh, he's here again, he's here.
Look, look, look, look, look! ''Have a good day at workhoney.
'' I must say, for a stalker, he's a lot warmer than my wife.
Michael, you have to talk to your friend.
- He's not my friend.
- What? He's just some random guy who said Dad looked nice.
I didn't know he was going to be insane.
The clues were there.
OK, here we go.
Right, morning.
What seems to be the problem? I can't stay away.
- Rupert! - Ben! What are you doing here? I booked an appointment.
It was the only way I could get to see you.
Look, look Rupert, I know why you're doing this.
It's perfectly understandable.
I'm a handsome man.
But you're reacting to the physical appearance, the outward shell.
You know, thethe flawless outward shell.
No, it's not that.
This is far more than just physical attraction.
I can tell you're deeply unhappy.
- What? - I can see it in your eyes.
There is something missing in your life.
You see that, do you? And your marriage.
Your wife doesn't appreciate the real you.
Well, that is true.
Why are you so against having someone care for you? The thing is I'm not.
Let's go to my place in Italy for a few days No! No, no, no, no.
No.
No.
No.
What part? Tuscany.
Oh, very nice.
Lovely.
No, I'm sorry.
No, sorry, Rupert, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
Fine, I'll go, but I'm not giving up.
One thing.
This place in Tuscany Yes, darling? Never mind.
Janey! You'd better hurry or you're going to be late for your meeting.
Coming, Mum.
Well, wish me luck.
- Want to hear my speech? - That's what you're wearing? Yeah.
Janey, you need to present a certain image.
You should be wearing an outfit that says, ''Take me seriously,'' not, ''Take me.
Seriously.
'' Listen, Mum, I am going to the meeting, but straight afterwards I'm going to the party.
Oh, Janey, you can't seriously be putting a party with Orlando Bloom before your son? Where are your priorities? My priority is and always has been the safety and wellbeing of my son, Orlando Kenzo.
Look, Mum, I've thought about everything you said, but I realise there's no reason why I can't be a good mother and have a good time.
I don't have to choose.
I can multitask and have it all.
(DOORBELL RINGS) Have you really thought all this through? - Course I have.
- Oh.
There she is! (THEY SCREAM) Are you ready for the hottest party of the year? Of course! It is on! We are about to meet the sexiest men in London! Come on! Oh, by the way, there is one small stop we have to make.
Oh, well, I don't care, as long as there's lots of men there.
All those in favour of approving the minutes of the last meeting, please signify by raising their right hand.
The motion is carried unanimously.
And the minutes from the last meeting as recorded by the recording secretary are now approved and will be entered into the permanent record.
Make a note of that for me, will you, please? What? I said there'd be men here, didn't I? - These are for you.
- Oh, how nice! They're from your stalker, aren't they? They're still flowers.
Susan, come on, I don't know what to do.
He came to the surgery today.
I mean, I can't shake the guy off.
Well, relax.
I'm getting involved.
What? He phoned earlier, and I invited him round for a drink and a bite to eat.
Brilliant! You're going to poison him.
I'm not going to poison him.
I'm going to talk to him.
- Ah, good - slow death.
- (DOORBELL RINGS) Susan, please, you can't invite that madman round to our house, he's insane.
- Rupert! - Susan! - Come in.
- Ben! Oh! It's so good of you to come, Rupert.
Please sit down, relax.
- Would you like a glass of wine? - That would be lovely.
This is a very civilised way for you to handle things, Susan.
There's certainly no reason why you and I can't get on just because your husband and I have a connection.
Of course.
I would never stand in the way of my husband's primal needs.
Ben and I have always had an open relationship.
News to me.
Such a wonderful attitude.
After all, just because we're both interested in this magnificent beast He's talking about me.
I know! And he has a house in Tuscany.
It would be absurd if you and I got into some kind of catfight.
One I would win, by the way.
Not sure about that.
The thing is, Rupert, I feel there's a lot you may not know about the man you've fallen in love with.
- Like what? - Oh, so many, many things.
- So I've decided to educate you.
- Oh.
Let's start at the beginning, shall we? This is our wedding day.
- Lovely.
- Mm-hm.
And here we are on our honeymoon.
And here we are lying on the beach.
Ooh, who's got a hairy chest! He's lying on his stomach - that's his back.
Oh, sweet Jesus! And that is why I, as a concerned mother, beg the council to install these inexpensive and most necessary speed bumps on Lancaster Road, for the protection of our children.
I trust you will do the right thing and I trust you will do it quickly.
Can we go now? Miss Harper, this is a major decision that will need thought and care.
Installation of speed bumps on the road in question, while desirable from a safety point of view, may require further analysis.
Kill me now.
And do you have any facts and figures showing the statistical breakdown of the amount of traffic flowing through Lancaster Road subdivided by hour? Oh, for God's sake.
Yes, yes, I do.
Just give me a moment And do you have you any schematics showing the size, width and height of the proposed bumps? Yes, yes, I do.
Just bear with me.
I can show you exactly what they look like.
I see.
All those in favour? The proposal is carried unanimously.
Really? Wow, thank you! No, thank you.
And this video was taken at the last wedding we attended.
I just wanted you to see what Ben looks like when he's dancing.
I was trying to do the moonwalk.
They called the paramedics, Ben.
Look, I know what you're trying to do, Susan, but Ben and I are soul mates, and I'm very much looking forward to getting to know the person on the inside.
Thank you, Rupert.
Good idea.
Let's learn about Ben on the inside.
Tell me, Rupert, who's your favourite artist? Well, um, I love Matisse, but Renoir's later works really speak to me.
Oh, that's a fine choice.
- And yours, Ben? - Uh.
.
What, favouritefavourite artist? Uh Oh, if I had to pick one, er Yeah, that guy, forgot his name, you know hehe's the one that did the dogs playing poker.
Because, I mean, the detail's amazing, cos, you know, the dogs are actually wearing hats.
Disappointed? Try getting it for Christmas.
What about modern art? What do you think of Chagall? Yeah, brilliant in Under Siege, but he's no Van Damme.
Talking of films, let's look at Ben's DVD collection.
Here we are.
Oh! Gigi, West Side Story, Gone With The Wind.
No, no, no, those are mine.
Ben's are at the back.
Jeremy Clarkson's Extreme Machines.
That's what you'll be cuddling up to on a Friday night.
Oh, Ben.
Now, let's talk about leisure time.
What do you like to do on a typical Sunday, Rupert? Oh, I love to sniff around a farmers' market and browse antique shops, and then possibly treat myself to a long lunch in a brasserie.
Ben, what do you like to do on a Sunday? - You're holding it.
- Hmm? Argh! All right, kick with what foot you like, but when Jezza Jezza hits the gas on a Bugatti Veyron, I defy anyone not to get a tingle up their legs.
Believe me, Rupert, when I first met Ben, I went through the same disappointment.
Don't make the same mistake I did.
He's not going to change.
He's not? You're not? Honestly, Rupert, you're dodging a bullet.
Now, tell me, what farmers' market do you like to go to? Oh, there's a wonderful one in Cobham.
Oh, yes! Do you know the bread place on the corner? Oh, isn't their ciabatta just the right side of moist? Sometimes I spend a whole day there.
I'm surprised I haven't seen you there.
- Well, maybe next Sunday? - Oh, that would be lovely.
Oh, look at the time! I'm so sorry, I must dash.
Oh, must you go so soon? I'm going to the opera at Covent Garden.
- Oh, what are you seeing? - I'm seeing Cosi Fan Tutte.
- It's my favourite! - Oh, that's my favourite! Well, maybe see you Sunday.
Bye! Your stalker seems nice.
I'm sorry things didn't work out between you two.
Huh, I don't care.
I don't care! I'm not gay.
- Ben, are you crying? - No, no.
No.
Just got something in my eye.
(DOORBELL RINGS) Yeah Oh, Rupert! I knew you'd come back.
I'm not here for you.
Susan? Rupert.
What's going on here? - Rupert's taking me to Tuscany.
- Tuscany? Just for two days.
You walk out of this door now, you're never coming back! - It's only two days.
- I was talking to Rupert!