Will and Grace s10e05 Episode Script

"Will & Grace" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
You got to help me.
My dad's on the way up, and he wants me to drive to Schenectady with him.
Aww, that's nice.
You know that's not nice.
Don't be that guy.
Oh, that's awful.
Awful? He's my father.
Why don't you text me what you want me to say, and I'll read it back? Wow, if I could do that to myself, I could delete my Grindr account.
Okay, okay.
Here is where you redeem yourself.
Let's do that thing where we pretend to have a thing.
- Hi, Daddy.
- Hi, darling.
You ready to go? Hey, Martin.
How's my mom? I mean, your wife? I mean, my mom.
I mean, your wife.
I'll get used to that.
No, I won't.
Dad, uh, about Schenectady, I would love to go, but I forgot we we have a thing.
Will? Thing? Actually, the thing got cancelled.
No, it didn't.
It's still a thing.
Damn that thing! No, no.
No longer a thing.
But the thing is too big a thing to no longer be a thing.
I don't know what you two are doing, but I got to get some floss.
I got something stuck in my tooth.
I had an everything bagel.
It could be anything.
What the hell was that? A long drive with your father Grace, that's a gift.
I I'd give anything to have that kind of time to talk to my dad again.
It is different with girls.
Your relationship with your dad changes the second you get boobs.
So there's still time for you.
Come on.
You know my dad.
We don't talk.
The minute anything gets real, he gets uncomfortable.
I mean, my whole life, I've never seen him cry.
So push through the discomfort.
Talk about stuff that matters.
Ask him, "Are you afraid of death? "Do you have any regrets? Have you ever had a gay experience?" My dad.
Would you ask your mom if she's ever had a lesbian experience? Sure, if I wanted her to leave the room quickly in tears.
Surprise! It was a sesame seed.
Come on, we'll stop by the cemetery, visit your mother, and while we're there, we'll say hi to Harry.
I'll visit Mom's grave, not Harry's.
Ugh, this Harry thing again.
Oof.
Look at you two, having fun already.
I have a three-hour car drive to think of my revenge.
Wait, wait, wait.
I got it.
Come with us.
- Please, please, please.
- No, no.
I can't.
I got I got Jack's engagement brunch.
That's today? So I actually had a thing? Ooh, I I would have to remove two ribs to do that.
If you'd told me 20 years ago I'd be celebrating my engagement, I would've had so many questions.
Are gays allowed to get married? Can they be in the military? Mm-hmm.
And why would we want either of those things? Ladies, are we enjoying? Everything's marvelous, Ms.
Coco, but FYI, you shouldn't put celery in your Bloody Marys.
Too many vegetables hard on the liver.
Karen's kind of a health nut.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Anything I can do for you? I mean, get for you I mean, eat off you.
Coco, I'll say what I said to you ten minutes ago at the urinal: I'm fine, and my eyes are up here.
So who gets it? - I'll take it.
- I'll take it.
Oh, Wilma, no.
I'm paying.
My best friend is getting married.
My best friend is getting married.
Your best friend is in the basement of the White House, trying to tunnel her way out with the heel of her Jimmy Choo.
Children, make a decision.
I've got six more tables, and I'm getting less tucked by the minute.
I think I can settle this.
The best man should pay.
And that's me.
Ooh, conflict.
We hate that here.
So, um, Daddy I thought maybe we could talk.
What do you think we've been doing for the last two hours? No, I mean I mean talk about real stuff, you know? Like, do you have any regrets? Are you afraid of death? Yes.
No.
Okay, that covers it.
Uh What the hell.
Have you ever had a gay experience? Does breakfast with Will count? Jack asked me to be his best man.
Wrong, Mary.
Jack asked me to be his best man.
Okay, okay, okay.
I asked you both.
I just didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings.
I didn't want Will to think I preferred you I do.
Over him.
I don't.
This is crazy! It should be me.
I've known Jack since he was 20 and for 20 years of his 30s.
Did you go on the Dark Web to buy him a real severed hand for his Morticia Addams costume? Wait.
That was a real severed hand? Of course not.
What do I do? What do I do? All right, let's not break a press-on.
When we have a dispute here, we settle it like men: with a lip-sync monologue throw down! What you do is, you spin this wheel and then lip-sync whichever legendary monologue it lands on.
Then the audience decides, with applause, who wins.
So we're going to determine something as important as your best man by lip-syncing campy monologues in a room full of drunken gay men? Yeah.
- Yay! - Makes sense.
Girls, we've got ourselves a bitch royale.
What can I tell you? I love laminated menus.
You know, the story of the restaurant in the back interesting reading.
I'll wait for the movie.
Always with the smart answers, like your mother.
Hi! Hey, Patty.
It's my favorite waitress.
Hi, Mr.
Adler.
Is this the new Mrs.
Adler? No, I'm his daughter, Grace.
Clearly the age of a daughter, not a wife.
Okay.
How is it you get prettier every year, eh? Well, I'm pretty religious about using sunscreen.
May I tell you about today's specials? We have broasted chicken, whole breaded catfish plate, shrimp salad - I'll have that.
- You stopped me.
I memorize the specials in order, so if you stop me, I've got to go back to the top.
Sorry.
No, it's okay.
It's okay.
I'll just start again.
Um, we have broasted chicken, whole breaded catfish plate, shrimp salad, salmon croquettes with Creole sauce Hmm.
Did that count as interrupting? It did.
Oh, oh! I've seen this one a million times.
It it used to be my my go-to move to do it on a first date.
That's not sad.
Ooh, the "leave Britney alone" speech that fan gave after Britney Spears screwed up at the VMAs.
It was sad-larious.
You are going down, Karen.
Hit it! Leave Britney alone! Please! Perez Hilton talked about professionalism and said if Britney was a professional, she would've pulled it off, no matter what.
Speaking of professionalism, when is it professional to publicly bash someone who's going through a hard time? Leave Britney alone! Please! Boo! Boo! Boo! Take off your pants! Who said that? Well, that wasn't half bad, Britney Queers.
Now Watch and learn.
Ah, the Wicked Witch monologue.
Straight out of the bible.
Broasted chicken, whole breaded catfish plate, shrimp salad She'll have the salad.
I'll have the Reuben.
Unless you're on the menu, sweetheart.
I am not, although, my name is Patty, and there are hamburger patties, so I almost made it.
Why do you do that? Flirting, calling women "sweetheart"? - Ah, they love it.
- They don't love it.
I mean, everybody's so sensitive nowadays.
Sometimes I feel like men can't be men anymore, not with this, uh, #NotMe stuff.
- "Me Too.
" - Well, we agree on something.
And why are you being such a nudge? Because it You know what? It doesn't matter.
Let's just eat and then visit Mom.
- And then Harry.
- No.
I told you.
No Harry.
He was my best friend.
Well, he wasn't mine.
You know, it always bothered me, this thing you have about Harry.
I got you a good job working for my best friend, and you stole money.
You know how embarrassing that was for me? - Dad - And you didn't apologize.
If you had apologized, things would be different.
- But you didn't apologize.
- That's not what happened.
Well, you tell me what happened.
I don't want to talk about it.
Now you don't want to talk.
The whole summer that I worked for Harry, I kept telling you he was creepy.
What did you think that meant? Uh, I don't know.
He was a flirty guy.
Oh, and and you thought that was okay? Him flirting with your daughter? - That was a different time.
- No, no.
That's not an excuse.
What just because it was a different time, it wasn't bad? No, all that meant was that people got away with it.
- Hey, calm down.
- No, don't Do not tell me to calm down.
- I can't do this.
- Where you going? I mean, what did he do? Pat you on the tushy? No, he did more than that.
That doesn't sound like Harry.
He had his faults, but he was a good guy.
- He was not a good guy.
- It was a long time ago.
- Maybe you're misremembering.
- No, no! I remember! I remember every single thing that happened that day.
I-I wait, I don't want to talk about it.
No, we're talking.
It was hot, so I had to have my hair up, and it showed off the earrings that I borrowed from Mom that made me feel really grown up.
And then, at the end of the day, Harry called me into his office.
- What are you talking about? - I walked in.
He shut the door, he closed the blinds, and then he pushed me up against the wall.
Gracie, no.
I tried to scream, but he told me "Quiet.
" Then he started kissing me and touching me, and then he pulled down my pants, put his fingers up Stop! I was 15.
I hate to interrupt the party, but we ran out of shrimp salad.
I know.
I'm disappointed too.
Afterwards, I just wanted to get away from him.
I just wanted to be home, so I took money out of the drawer, and I called a cab.
That's why I stole the money.
Why didn't you tell me? How could I? What if you didn't believe me? What if nobody believed me? Why didn't you see? You're my father.
You're supposed to protect me.
- I didn't know! - You should have.
You're right! I'm so sorry, Grace.
I'm so sorry.
I didn't protect my little girl.
It's okay, Daddy.
No, it's not okay.
How can it be okay? How did you get through it? Well, you just kind of split yourself into two people.
The person it happened to and the one who gets through the day.
And then you grow up, and your life gets bigger and that stuff gets smaller.
- Here are your waters.
- Thank you.
I know the glasses look dirty, but it's just the water.
Did you tell anyone else? I told one person.
Good.
I'm glad you have a best friend.
Can you ever forgive me? I can.
I'm not gonna visit that bastard in the cemetery.
I never want to hear his name again.
He's dead to me.
Well, he's dead to everybody, Daddy.
Just try! I'll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too! Broom drop.
Who likes the drag queen? And who likes my second husband, should my first husband die a timely death? We have a new dilemma.
We've never had a tied bitch royale.
Are you saying I've got to decide? Or we could have a contest to see which one knows you better.
Or you suggesting a public Jack-off? Okay, Will, this question is to you.
In the fall of aught eight, I had a brief, but torrid, affair with a certain redhead.
Tell me his name, where we met, and what food he threw at me when I told him I met someone else.
Dick, dock, duck.
That is correct.
In your face, Walker! Nicely done, Will.
Gorgeous and smart.
Oscar, I'm leaving you.
Oh, forget it.
- Okay, Karen.
- Okay.
This one's for you.
It is a question about my "peh-nis.
" I know it better than my own.
Ha-ha-ha! - When fully aroused - Oh, yeah.
Like when Conor McGregor is on the cover of "Men's Health" or there is a light breeze Yes.
Mm.
What is my measurement in Good & Plentys? Damn it.
I know it in Red Vines.
I'm gonna say 18.
18? I'd be hung like a oh, my God, that is correct! Ah-ha-ha-ha! So I told him, Mom.
But you were wrong; he did okay.
I think you would've been proud of him.
He said he was sorry.
You know, I always thought that I needed an apology from Harry But it turned out I really needed one from Daddy.
I feel better.
Oh, by the way, seeing someone.
He's Jewish and straight, so stop spinning.
He's a good guy although he complains about everything.
I guess you and I have a type.
I miss you, Mom.
Did you have a good visit with your mother? I did.
You didn't tell her I remarried, did you? No.
But don't you think she'd want you to be happy? Absolutely not.
I wouldn't want her to be happy, either.
That's love.
Once again, the score is tied.
Now it's time for the final question.
Will, what is my greatest Sneaking into Cher's trailer and trying on her wig.
Please wait until I finish the entire question.
But, yes, that is my greatest achievement.
But what is my greatest fear? Oh, that's easy.
Never having a legitimate acting career.
Ladies and gentlemen, your best man! Ha, not even close, Wilma! His greatest fear is aging.
Oh, please, he'd be fine about aging if he can get a single part.
Well, this sort of hurts.
Are you telling me he doesn't look more and more like Angela Lansbury every single day? Okay, maybe we don't just Wait, wait, wait.
I have known him way longer than you.
I should be best man! This is stupid! I know I'm better.
I should be best man.
- Why would you - Stop, stop it, stop! Stop! Stop, stop! Why are we fighting over who's best man? Isn't marriage just some weird thing straight guys came up with as a way to own a woman? And sure, it'd be great to own a woman.
You know, to open jars or to hold your purse while you and your boyfriend go on the Ferris wheel.
But we are gay men! We make our own rules! I say, let's reinvent marriage.
Yeah, rip it apart.
Take off the sleeves, fringe the bottom, and crop the top! So here's my new rule.
I'm gonna have two best men.
Because, yeah, we got gay marriage, but let's make marriage gay! Yeah, I can live with two best men.
Yeah, me too.
Grace, when did you get here? And sure, it'd be great to own a woman.
You know, to open jars or to hold your purse while you and your boyfriend go on the Ferris wheel.
I can't believe you made it on the wheel at Ms.
Coco's.
I know! Everybody at the gay bar is doing me.
You haven't said that for years.
Honey, I've divided up our responsibilities for the wedding.
Well, yours just says, "Show up if avail.
" It's a big ask, but I love the guy.
- Hey.
- Hey, Grace.
How did it go? Was it torture? Uh, it was a lot of things.
But it was good.
Really good.
Thanks for making me go.
So how was brunch? Will and Karen did a Jack-off to decide who would be my best man, and you're never gonna guess who won.
Oh, oh they both did! Will, tell her the story.
Actually, don't.
You'll be boring.
Karen, tell her.