8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown (2012) s10e06 Episode Script
Jonathan Ross, Michelle Wolf, Johnny Vegas, Pappy's
1 This programme contains strong language and adult humour CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown Jon Richardson Jonathan Ross Johnny Vegas Michelle Wolf Pappy's Susie Dent and Rachel Riley! Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr! APPLAUSE Thank you.
Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
Did you know, for example, hurkle-durkle is an old Scottish term, meaning to lounge in bed all day? Hey, Scottish people, you can't lie in bed all day, unless, of course, you've given the Domino's delivery guy his own key.
The food you take on a picnic is called picnickery, whereas the photos I text your mum are called dick-pickery.
And onomatomania is frustration at not being able to think of a word, and it can be especially frustrating if the word you can't remember is your safe word.
Well, let's get started.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's Jon Richardson! CHEERING Jon Richardson - he puts the great into the phrase "whiny, grating voice".
Jon's team-mate, Michelle Wolf! CHEERING Before finding fame on The Daily Show in America, Michelle worked on Wall Street, so her surname is Wolf, and she used to work on Wall Street.
She's just like that film - Annie.
Up against them this evening, it's special guest team captain Jonathan Ross! CHEERING Jonathan owns a number of exotic pets, including an iguana.
Brightly coloured with soft, leathery skin and a bulging neck Jonathan is one of the most distinctive faces on television.
Yeah, well, it's very funny, Jimmy, but the ig-uana's dead, and you raise Dave as a joke? You are a terrible person.
I went for iguana, you went with? - Dave.
- How do you pronounce "iguana"? It had its name Iguana.
You did say ig-uana the first time.
I preferred ig-uana.
I thought you were getting it right.
- I thought you'd know.
- He's dead! Does it matter?! And joining Jonathan tonight, it's Johnny Vegas! CHEERING Johnny Vegas has show business running through his veins, as well as dangerously high levels of saturated fat.
You've all come back to butter haven't ya? I was mocked during the margarine years.
Your love of butter - I mean, you say what you want, you've outlived Prince and David Bowie.
Who would have thought it? Only cos I'm younger.
You are? LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT WORDS Wow.
OK, we're not standing for that.
What was your luxury Gaviscon? I remember when I first met you, you were taking Gaviscon, but luxury Gaviscon that you were making yourself.
It's two part Bailey's, one part Cointreau.
And you were drinking, if I'm not mistaken, pints of.
Well, I had a lot of reflux.
LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT WORDS - So, Jonathan, it's your first time being a captain on Cats Does Countdown.
- Yes.
How are you going to motivate Johnny? Well, I don't think I need to motivate Johnny, because I haven't I didn't see your previous appearances on the show, but I said I'll be captain as long as you give me the team itself, if we're really crackerjack at what we do.
And they've said that Johnny is excellent at all things in this game.
Have they misinformed me, Johnny? How many have you won of the previous shows you been on? It's not about winning, it's about building It's about building to this moment, isn't it? But they did say he was very good.
Is he? He's never scored a single point.
And he's been on this show eight times.
Because they said he was the best, so he's the best at not scoring.
I see.
He's great company after the show.
I lull Jon into a false sense of security, and you attack.
OK.
Question, do you have names other than John? It does seem like a fair point, yeah.
We thought we'd make it super simple for you.
We weren't expecting one of those smart Americans.
Would you like to give us John 1, John 2 and John 3 or Big John, Little John, Dull John? Would you like to add something? I'd have no idea how to pick Big John, Little John and Dull John.
Yes, you do! Yes, you do.
Johnny, have you got a game plan for the evening? - Write stuff down.
- Write stuff down, yeah.
And, like, write the stuff that's up there down.
Don't just write things down and look busy.
In a big office.
You can't get away with it now.
This is like It's more of an appraisal.
Michelle, do you know who any of us are? No.
I thought When I saw you, I thought maybe Benedict Cumberbatch had gotten in a terrible accident.
APPLAUSE The really hurtful thing about that is I'd sort of take that as a compliment, just to be mentioned in the same sentence.
I'm thrilled.
OK, what do you think of your team captain - Jon? - What do you make of him? - Erm, he seems a little school shooter-y.
But other than that Yes! Yes, he does! - Because it's always the quiet ones.
- Yeah.
Michelle, do any British words or phrases confuse you? Oh, almost everything Johnny said.
It took me a solid minute and a half to realise he was talking about butter.
I once chatted to a girl in a bar in San Francisco for half an hour, and she said that my voice was one of the most melodic that she'd ever heard.
And then Did she just get the ability to hear? .
.
confessed that she hadn't understood, as you, a single word I'd said.
OK, Jon, have you ever done something and thought, "I'm never doing that again"? Oh, yeah, I've made some big mistakes in my life.
I once bought the same squash twice in a row.
That's stuck with me.
I'd enjoyed the orange and mango, and I thought, "Do you know what? I'll have that one again.
" And then you're stuck with it.
It's a long time to get through a bottle of squash, isn't it? I should have gone summer fruits.
You always go purple, orange, purple, orange, purple, orange.
What is this? Squash? I thought you were talking about the vegetable.
- No.
What would you call it? - AMERICAN ACCENT: Dilute juice? You would probably say that.
You would probably say AMERICAN ACCENT: .
.
dilute juice.
Orange fucking cordial.
I don't know what American does this! OK, now, Jonathan, have you got a mascot this evening? I have got a mascot.
They asked me to bring one.
I bought something quite rare.
As you know, I'm a collector.
I collect comic books, I love all things like that, and I also collect toys that have a particular frame of reference - Japanese toys from the 1960s and 1970s.
In particular, toys from the companies Bullmark, Popy Chogokin and Takara.
Sorry, are you also a part-time snooker referee? Well, no, because.
.
Because this is a very valuable little item I'm bringing out for you, and I'm showing it the respect it deserves, if I can get my glove on.
- Are we playing airport again? - No, no, no LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE You're all clear.
OK, so, so this is Takara Mikuroman man from 1970 Oh! This is about 50 years old, so his hips aren't as strong as they used to be, OK, and these come Mikuroman, which we would pronounce Microman.
- These are the original Micromen? - Yeah, these are the original.
And what I love about them - they're incredibly great toys, they're a beautiful-looking toy.
When they brought them out, they brought out about ten, so the Japanese company gave them names.
Can you guess what this one's name was? Is it Jeff? Cos he looks like he's dragging two bags and he's coming out of the airport, and his taxi's not arrived.
You're not far wrong, though.
His name was George.
- Can I have a look at him? - You can, but don't break him with your big fingers.
His joints are just rather unfortunate.
He just looks like me leaving a pub.
He's quite old.
HE SLURS INDISTINCTLY You don't need to do the voice, Johnny.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Johnny, have you got a mascot? What have you brought? Erm, well, I've rifled through a skip, basically, and I found this.
- That's my mascot.
- Me! - Yeah, it's Michelle in her college years.
This was before you had your other leg lengthened.
You have the same disdainful look.
Every time I open my mouth, it's like 50% of your brain goes, "We can rest.
" I do like his cuffs.
He's always dressed for dinner.
He's a wonderful thing.
You should see my Rescue Base.
I've seen your Rescue Base.
- Recue Base? - I've got two Cripplers never removed from boxes - boom.
Don't you? There's a morality issue Aren't toys created to be played with? Not the ones that I've got.
That sounded like the saddest line from a movie! "Aren't toys supposed to be played with?" What Dickensian era did I grow up in? COCKNEY: "Aren't toys supposed to be played with?" I think she's just nailed you is what's happened.
Michelle, have you got a mascot? I do.
I was sort of missing home, so I asked for a gun .
.
and instead they brought me this baby Taser.
It's not FOR babies.
It's small.
And then they filled it with my favourite Tennessee whiskey.
Did you just? Have you just got whiskey in your eye? It's real whiskey.
So Well, that is not at all suggestive(!) Oh, God it is.
I'm all right, I'm driving.
I'm driving our team to victory .
.
since my shit-faced colleague probably won't be.
OK, Jon, have you got a mascot? Yes, well, it's more of a celebration, Jimmy.
- Well, fantastic.
- Of course, we all know that Bake Off is coming to Channel 4.
APPLAUSE Course.
I've a special Bake Off hat.
I am Marquee Mark.
APPLAUSE It's very exciting for me, it is like a sort of World Cup coming to the town I live in.
I didn't want you to be left out, Jimmy, so I've made you a cake I thought you would like.
This is a pound cake.
Although, since Brexit, it's slightly less than a pound.
I've recently learned that half of that pound cake needs to go to the taxman, so I APPLAUSE I can't accept it all.
- I'll take it.
- For Susie, I made a tiramisusie.
It's basically an ordinary tiramisu, but well read.
If you like tiramisu and puns, you're in luck, Susie.
There's only three spoons, I'm afraid, so one of you can't have tiramisu.
- There we go.
- Wow.
- Thank you.
- Now I want it finished by the end of the show.
I didn't think you could look any more nerdy, but you've done it.
And these are for you two.
- For us? - I didn't want you to be left out, so these are some profiteroles.
- Wow, thank you.
- Thank you.
- You can enjoy those.
They're proper profiteroles, they're good and tasty, and they're lined with a laxative filling.
It's inspired by the Bible quote - "what shall it profit-a-role, "if we make a few pounds but lose our arsehole?" So I thought if you eat a few of them, you'll shit your pants and we'll win.
Jon Richardson's cakes, everybody.
APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT WORDS OK, over in Dictionary Corner we've got Pappy's.
Yes.
APPLAUSE Now, you're in Dictionary Corner.
Which one of you is the cleverest? - Well, you're dyslexic.
- Yes.
So it's going to be a long night for you in Dictionary Corner.
Yeah, I'm just going to sing along to the clock.
I think I'm probably sort of look like I might be the cleverest, because I've got glasses.
I do need these.
I had to take a test to get these and fail that test.
I wear glasses, yeah, yeah.
But I think Tom is probably the cleverest.
He's a sort of philosopher-type character.
Yeah, he's always coming up with sayings, like that one about the weather.
I've got a great saying about the weather.
- Go ahead.
- Red sky at night - shepherd's delight.
Blue sky at night day.
- It's true.
- Yeah.
APPLAUSE It's true, it's true.
OK, and with Pappy's, of course, it's Susie Dent! Yeah! CHEERING In October, Susie released her 14th book.
Well, you know what they say - if at first you don't succeed, keep on releasing boring books.
Susie, you've written a book recently about the secret languages of Britain.
Can you tell us some of your favourites? Yes, well, I had to hang out with different groups of people who share a sort of common language, so I had binmen.
I had a great day out with binmen.
And they call maggots disco rice, which I love - I really like that.
And they also, if they're cleaning the street, they talk about getting it up, so having a really good day - getting it up is I bet they were when you were there, Susie! And in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley! CHEERING Rachel Riley has a degree from Oxford, and her tutors have a degree of sadness when they think about her chosen career path.
Rachel, what's the best and worst chat-up line anyone's ever tried on you? Well, the worst chat-up line I've heard is, "I've got a purple dome that needs a home.
" You know what, Rachel - if you're not interested, just say you're not interested.
It was in text form.
My friend made the mistake of letting me play Tinder on her phone.
- Played Tinder? - Yeah.
What was the best chat-up line? Was there any good chat-up lines? I can't remember.
That's the one that sticks in my mind "I've got a little mouse that needs a house"? OK, the prize the teams will be competing for the night is this, the Countdown ball pit.
Yes! CHEERING OK, let's Countdown, everyone.
For the first game, Jonathan and Johnny, you get the pick of the letters.
- Johnny, shall we do this together? - OK, a letter, please.
C And another letter, please.
U Come on! Consonant! Consonant! - Oh - Aw Shall we have another consonant? M And a A vowel? A Another vowel, please.
I Consonant.
S Another vowel.
We're going to go for another.
- E.
- And then shall we round it off - With a consonant? - Yes, please.
- R.
OK, and for the first time today, here's the Countdown clock.
CULMAISER! Ah Oh CRACKING CRUNCHING APPLAUSE - What the? - Jonathan, how many letters? That's how we first met - when you wanted to get into show business.
I made it, Ma.
I've got a bunch of fives.
But I haven't got I've got Bunch of fives, OK.
What about Johnny? How many have you got? - I've got a seven.
- Well, how many have you ACTUALLY got? I've got a seven.
- Yeah, he has - got a seven.
- Oh, OK, well, Jon, how many have you got? - Don't look at me like that, Jon! - Jon, what have you got? I've got a Bake Off six.
A Bake Off six? - Yeah.
- And, Michelle, what have you got? I've got a boring six, but a fun three.
OK, Jonathan, one of your fives.
I've got MISER, LASER, CURLS.
OK, Michelle, your six? CLAIMS CLAIMS.
Jon, your six? It's how you stop a mini choux bun becoming a profiterole - CREAMS! - So we've - Thanks, Jon.
You've just provided the ultimate distraction for the rest of the show for me.
You know I'm obese, and you've just thrown a cake in my eye line.
Every ounce of my being wants to crawl over this desk now and rescue that.
Johnny, what's your seven? I.
.
You see, I had CLAIMS, the same, and then obviously the letters weren't there to make claimant, but is CLAIMER a word? CLAIMER This could be the best Johnny has ever done.
JONATHAN: You see, you see? Oh! CHEERING - Seven! - You bring out the best in me.
- I have faith in you, yes! OK, Pappy's, Susie, could they have done any better? - There's a few eights, actually.
- Oh, there would be, wouldn't there? Yeah, sorry, mate.
CLUMSIER? I mean, you could have got that.
Oh, yeah.
- Susie, any more? - Yeah, RECLAIMS you could have, turn CLAIMER around, - but pretty good to get a seven.
- Really good.
- I'm impressed.
It's like that kid who's just bad at school, innit? And he has that one day to shine.
"Still very good.
"Now you can stop burning things to the ground.
" So at the end of that, Jonathan and Johnny are in the lead with 7 points.
OK, on to our first numbers round, and, Jon, Michelle, your turn to pick the numbers.
Oh, I know how to do this, for sure.
Oh, go ahead.
Top I'm enjoying it, one word at a time.
If you want to look like a sort of old Countdown hand, you'd say something like a 1-2, 1-2, or inverted T, or something.
What? I don't want to come off as that big of a nerd.
Well, just say something like, "Some big 'uns and some small 'uns.
" Would you like little ones or big ones? One big one? Fuck it, I don't even give a shit.
I'm not being the nerd.
I don't care, Rachel.
Put some letters and a picture of a meadow up there for all I care.
- You all ready for this? - Yeah, sure.
Ready for this?! Some numbers on a board, Rachel - get over yourself.
- Here we go.
8 - "Are you ready for this?" - 6 5 "I got a 6, I got a 5.
Are you ready?" - It's exciting! - Yeah, I think we'll be all right.
- 1 - Oh, I wasn't expecting a 1, Jesus.
And 100.
- Oh - And the target Oh, Jesus! Yes, don't change it! You did this before and you changed it on me - when I got it.
I can get that.
- It's changed.
- No, don't change it.
- Why?! - Your target is 687.
Your time starts now.
So the target was 687.
Jon, I'm taking it by the fact you ate two profiteroles that you got that? Yeah, we did.
OK.
- Michelle, did you get it? - I did.
OK, Johnny, did you get it? Almost.
Almost.
You were just 687 away.
No, I got 686, obviously, because I forgot I'd already used the 6.
OK, Jonathan, did you get it? Well, I did it wrong, because - That's a no, then, isn't it? - Well, no, I got confused again.
I got so excited and I was trying to get 587, and I got really close.
So But in a way, I.
.
In a way I got it.
Well, Michelle, how did you do it? I actually used the 6 twice, so I didn't get it.
Jon, how did you get it? 6 + 1 x 100 - 8 - 5 - Yep.
- 10 points to Jon.
Well done, Jon.
APPLAUSE OK, so Jonathan and Johnny have 7, Jon and Michelle have 10.
We could have got that.
CHEERING And here's your teaser.
The words are NUDE SNOG.
The clue is - they're wet and dirty.
That's NUDE SNOG.
They're wet and dirty.
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were NUDE SNOG.
The clue was - they're wet and dirty.
It was, of course, DUNGEONS.
So, Jon and Michelle are in the lead.
OK, they've been playing in teams so far, but this game is just for Johnny and Michelle.
So, Michelle, your turn to choose the letters.
- Don't let him get in there.
- All right, Michelle, just good luck, OK? Welcome to the UK.
Enjoy.
And I had a perm once, so Power to you.
Is yours a natural curl? Natural, yeah.
Oh, do you use a diffuser? LAUGHTER How do you know so much about beauty? LAUGHTER Come here, come here.
OK, I'll have two vowels.
Sure.
O A Then one more vowel, and then the restconsonants? - That'll do.
- No, wait, I want one more vowel.
Yeah, good decision.
JONATHAN: Intake of breath.
P T and L OK, and your time startsnow.
JOHNNY: Hang on, N, E, A, O, E Does anyone fancy a kebab? - Is it vegetarian? - It's not vegetarian, but I've got - Yeah, if you take those.
- Oh, no - It's not vegetarian, but it's not any meat you've ever heard of either.
It's a shame, because since I gave up meat, sweating, mechanically reconstituted flesh is my favourite kind.
- I got you this because I know you're vegetarian.
- Oh, cheers.
You enjoy.
- I want one.
- Do you want just the one? Iceberg, dead ahead! RACHEL: One between three? Susie doesn't want it.
I know I wasn't in that round, Jimmy, but I seem to have ended up with some good lettuce! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I better take this off because I look ridiculous.
Michelle, how many? I got a big five.
- OK, Johnny? - I got a big five, too.
- I got a seven.
- You weren't playing.
Oh - What was your seven? - What's the seven I got? - ETHANOL.
- OK, Johnny, what was your five? - PHONE.
- What, sorry? IN RECEIVED PRONUNCIATION: PHONE.
ET phones home.
- Phone.
- Phone.
- Phone.
- Phone.
Someone's on the phone fer ya.
- Someone's on the phone.
- Best get the phone.
"Father, London's a lonely place.
" "Yep, it's raining here, I'll get your mum.
" Phone! - Michelle, what was your five? - I'm embarrassed to say also PHONE.
- Well, five points to both teams.
- We are so connected.
It's going to really hurt you when you find out we were separated at birth, isn't it? That you have a twin.
Are you flirting with someone you also think is your sister? No! Jesus, no.
Have you never been to the south of your own country? Fair play.
You've not touched your kebab.
Oh, no, I had a piece.
It's sweating lamb meat.
I don't see the problem with that.
OK, Pappy's, Susie, could they have done any better? Well, Tom was very excited, he thought you could get ANTELOPE, and you can't.
There is a good eight, which is HANEPOOT.
HANEPOOT, which is my pet name for Jimmy.
It's a variety of muscat grape.
It's from the Dutch, meaning cock foot.
OK, so at the end of that, Jonathan and Johnny have 12, Jon and Michelle are just in the lead with 15.
Well, that was good.
APPLAUSE Right, now time for Jon and Jonathan to go head-to-head.
- Jonathan, your turn to pick the numbers.
- Numbers, oh, numbers again? I know, against Jon as well! Can I have an inverted T? Shit, this guy's played before.
One big, five small, and they are 10, 3 1, 2 4 and 25.
And the target So your target is 136, your time starts now.
- You should be ashamed of yourself.
- OK, so the target was 136.
Jonathan, did you get it? Well, I'm angry, cos he probably got it.
I got 135, but he's probably actually got it, and I can't, it should be impossible to get it.
But you stopped halfway through.
Because I'd got 135, that's close enough for a normal person.
It's only because I'm playing a cyborg that I have to try and get 136.
You can't sit me opposite one of Doctor Who's early villains and expect me to have a chance.
- Jon, did you get it? - I think so.
I'd got 135 about halfway through, but I thought let's push on and see if we can get the actual number.
How did you do it? 4 + 1 = 5 Yep.
x 25 - 25.
- + 10.
- 135.
- + 3 - 2.
And that extra bit of effort JONATHAN: Insane, that's crazy talk.
- Well done.
- Ten points to Jon.
OK, so Jonathan and Johnny have 12 but Jon and Michelle are in the lead with 25.
Time now to go across to Dictionary Corner.
Pappy's, what have you got for us? Well, here in Pappy's, - we've been talking to each other a lot about gloves.
- Yeah.
- We're quite obsessed with the subject.
- Right.
Yeah, so we've got a theory that the kind of gloves a person wears says a lot about who that person really is.
And we thought we could test the theory here, tonight In song.
# Leather gloves, leather gloves - # Are you a chauffeur who drives a limousine? - Uh-uh - # Or maybe you're a Nazi who's acting really mean - No way! # Could be a strangler strangling who you can # No, I am an Italian man # Grazie, senorita # Plastic gloves, plastic gloves - # Now do you do forensics like on CSI? - No way! - # Or a little lady about to use hair dye - Uh-uh # Or maybe a heart surgeon doing a bypass # No, I'm a customs officer I'm going to probe your ass BOTH: # So many gloves so little time # The gloves keep coming all different kinds # So you better think twice what you put on your hands # Cos the glove that he wears says a lot about the man # Woollen gloves # Are you at a bonfire with a sparkler that's lit? # I wish # Or maybe you're the boyfriend of a girl who loves to knit # No, I'm not even human # That's why your guess is failing # Someone dropped their glove # Someone picked it up # And they put it on me # That's right, I'm a railing # I'm a railing, guys # White gloves, yeah, you heard me # White gloves, white gloves - # Now are you a magician? - Uh-uh - # Or are you Mickey Mouse? - No - # Or a snooker umpire at Stephen Hendry's house? - Foul # Or maybe you're a mime imagining some glass # No, I am a butler, but I'm going to probe your ass BOTH: # So many gloves so little time # The gloves keep coming # All different kinds # So you'd better think twice what you put on your hands # Cos the gloves that he wears says a lot about this man # Are you a boxer? Yes, I am a boxer.
Pappy's, everyone! And here's your teaser.
The words are THIN ARSE, the clue is - full of short and curlies.
That's THIN ARSE, full of short and curlies.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the Teaser - the words were THIN ARSE.
The clue was, full of short and curlies.
It was, of course, HAIRNETS.
Right, before we get on with the game, time for a quick bonus round.
Tonight's prize is the Countdown Ballpit.
So, Jonathan and Jon are going to be going head-to-head in the Countdown Ballpit Challenge.
- Come and join me.
- OK.
OK, I'm going to give each of you a nine-letter word.
All you need to do is find the letters that spell out that word in the ballpit.
Whoever gets the word first, gets the bonus points.
OK, Jonathan, your word is - POPPADOMS.
- POPPADOMS.
So you've got to find POPPADOMS in there and spell it out there, one ball at a time.
Jon, your word is SECATEURS.
LAUGHTER Hey, that guy in the front, I'm waving to you from underneath his ball sack! LAUGHTER Let's enjoy this moment! OK, all the letters are in the pit somewhere.
Good luck.
Away you go.
HORN BLARES AUDIENCE CHEERS ENTHUSIATICALLY This is entertainment! This is why we can't have nice things on this show.
AUDIENCE: Jon! Jon! Jon! Jon! Ha-ha-ha-ha! WHISTLING JIMMY LAUGHS What are you looking for? There's no D.
Have you got a D? AUDIENCE MEMBER: Come on, Jon! Come on, Jon! WHOOPING AND WHISTLING HORN BLARES Oh! Jonathan is our winner! Well done, Jonathan, you got there first.
- Five points to Jonathan and Johnny.
- Thank you.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! OK, well, that was very dignified, gentlemen, well played! Welcome to British television, Michelle! I was just noticing how traditional of an English body you have.
In what way? Long Long, skinny, spindly legs.
LAUGHTER I get quite a lot of compliments about my legs from many of the fellas.
What was What did you think I was built like? - Oh, no! - A smart person! Oh, if I'd have jumped in once more, there'd have been a lot of profiteroles in there! All right, on with the game.
Johnny and Jonathan, your turn to choose the letters.
Er, let's go with a vowel, please.
I Ermerma vowel, please.
A - JON BURPS - Ooh! LAUGHTER I'm going for a vowel.
I want to see where this leads.
U - Ooh! - Just do it in that direction! Can I have another vowel, please? E Ooh, we haven't got the one I'm after yet.
- Could we have one - Shall I take one? Could we have the other vowel, please? - Yes! - Yes! Hooray! - A vowel? - Yeah.
- Another vowel, please.
LAUGHTER A - Do we have to have consonants now? - Yes.
- Oh, this game is for squares.
Well, you have to have consonants as well.
OK, we'll have whatever you need to give us.
I need to take some of those down, if we're playing by the rules, but You'd rather go with the bad boys.
D-R M OK, your time starts now.
Er, so, Jonathan, how many? - Seven.
- Seven?! - Ooh! - Maybe.
Johnny, how many? I've got a five, I think.
Jon? Well, I have to go for a seven, just to try and match Jonathan.
- Wow.
Wow, it's on.
- Michelle? Um, I have six, but I'm pretty sure it's not a word.
What's your six? MOADER.
M-O-A-D-E-R - MOADER.
- I think I'm just I've heard Johnny speak too much! And what does that mean? Use it in a sentence.
Um IN AMERICAN ACCENT: Get in your MOADER-car and let's go to the shops! LAUGHTER Susie, is it a word? - It's not, I'm afraid.
- Oh, why have you gotta be like that, Susie? Johnny, what was your word? - ErmDREAM.
- DREAM.
Jon, your risky seven? Er, MAUDIER.
As in, more maudy.
I'm feeling better about MOADER.
Umthat's not there either.
- Ah.
- OK, for the points, Jonathan.
Well, mine might have an E on the end it doesn't need, so it might only be a six.
I've got MARAUDE.
M-A-R-A-U-D-E.
Aw! That would be OK in French, but not in English.
- Oh - Ah, quel dommage, mon ami! LAUGHTER I'm sorry, but it looks like DREAMS do come true! Yeah, DREAM again! Oh, Johnny Vegas! Susie, could they have done any better? There were a couple of sevens, Jimmy.
URAEMIA and DIORAMA.
OK.
So the scores at the moment - Jonathan and Johnny have 22, Jon and Michelle have 25.
- Oh! - Ooh! - So it's pretty close.
And here is your final Teaser.
The words are RUB SADLY.
The clue is, this feels weird.
That's, RUB SADLY.
This feels weird.
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were RUB SADLY, the clue was, "This feels weird".
It was ABSURDLY.
OK, time for our final letters game.
Jon and Michelle, your turn to choose the letters.
You pick, please.
Three vowels? - I'm going to step in - OK.
- LAUGHTER The special relationship is over.
Con No, you do it.
There was a lot of sugar in those profiteroles.
If I'm not very much mistaken, Jon, you're tired, excited and you're showing off.
Yes, you are.
- Is there still - Yeah, that will take the edge off the sugar.
I'll down it.
- HE COUGHS - So many firsts today.
Consonant.
Another one.
- What do you fancy? - Can - Yeah.
Vowel.
- Erm A consonant.
- Yeah.
And a final? - Consonant? - Yeah! - LAUGHTER OK, and your 30 seconds starts now.
LAUGHTER No, it's too big, innit? What have you got, Jon? I've got a pin, and - .
.
I've got a seven.
- Go on, then.
Jonathan, how many have you got? Well, I've definitely got a seven, but I might have an eight.
- What are you going to go for, the seven or the eight? - Why do I have to choose? Why can't I just say I've got both.
Look, if the eight doesn't work out, give me the seven.
- Right, I'm going for the eight, balls.
- Johnny? - I've got a seven.
- JON: Yeah? - Michelle? - You are not liking this! - MICHELLE: I have a seven as well.
- You've got a seven as well? - Yeah.
OK, I'm going to get out of this, cos I'm losing circulation in my neck, and I think that's important, isn't it? OK, so, Michelle, your seven? - Exiters.
- Exiters? Like, people that exit.
- Susie? - It's not in.
- OK, Jon, your seven? - Sexiest.
- Johnny, what have you got? I've got sexiest.
- You've got sexiest? - I went for sexiest.
I had it, look.
- Sexiest.
- Yeah.
- Well done, Johnny.
- OK, Jonathan, what's your risky eight? - Where are we in the scores? If my eight is an actual eight, where are we in the scores now? JON: It's a crucial conundrum, whatever happens.
JONATHAN: Yeah, but how many points do you get if you win thething? - Ten.
- Ten? - He's within his right to ask, - before we go out on a limb on this.
- Yes, I am within my right.
You've inspired me.
Two seven-letters, and a five.
- Exactly.
- That has never happened.
You ask what you need to, boss.
We're a team.
OK, well If you need anyone's car stolen, I'm your man.
LAUGHTER - Go on, what have you got? - Sureties.
Sureties? I didn't think anyone was going to get that.
That is brilliant.
- Come on! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE That's show business! Thank you, Susie.
- Do you know what, mate? Me and you - You are the wind beneath my wings.
- We're like the A-Team, without a van and two other people.
- Yep.
If you use that word in a sentence, it would be, "Is that something we should look into after, "in terms of the piece of paper Susie gave to Jonathan?" "Sureties.
" No-one likes a bad loser, Jon, especially one who's eaten all the cakes and drunk all of daddy's whiskey.
- Johnny, what did you just eat there? - MICHELLE: What's the? Shh.
You just What did you just? Does it taste papery.
What did you say, Jonathan? No, I just wondered if it tasted .
.
if it tasted papery.
- Some evidence being consumed there, is there? - No, no, no, no, no! Johnny, we're safe, you can spit it out cos no-one's going to read it now.
OK, so what happened there, what happened there, gents, - was Jonathan cheated - What? .
.
and Johnny ate the evidence, so seven points for each team.
OK, so Jonathan and Johnny have 29, Jon and Michelle are in the lead with 32.
OK, so it's a crucial conundrum.
So sometimes, Michelle, on this show we say it's a conundrum, and that just means it's a bit of fun at the end of the show.
This is crucial, because there's less than ten points in it.
So they could win, or you could win.
I mean, it's exciting.
It's double jeopardy! It's not quite the Super Bowl, but we want to get you involved.
It's the golden shot.
The elephants on parade! Oh, I really thought we were getting somewhere.
That went very quickly from an explanation to a fever dream.
OK, all right, fingers on buzzers.
It's time for today's crucial Countdown conundrum.
- JONATHAN: You got it? - Jon? - BOTHERING.
- Why do the others? Even bothering to turn up, when they know for surety they're going to lose.
LAUGHTER Let's have a look and see.
Of course.
So, the final scores are, Jonathan and Johnny have a very respectable 29 points, but tonight's winners with 42, Jon and Michelle! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Congratulations, you're now the proud owner of the Countdown ball pit.
Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience, and to all of you watching at home.
That's it from us, good night!
Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
Did you know, for example, hurkle-durkle is an old Scottish term, meaning to lounge in bed all day? Hey, Scottish people, you can't lie in bed all day, unless, of course, you've given the Domino's delivery guy his own key.
The food you take on a picnic is called picnickery, whereas the photos I text your mum are called dick-pickery.
And onomatomania is frustration at not being able to think of a word, and it can be especially frustrating if the word you can't remember is your safe word.
Well, let's get started.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's Jon Richardson! CHEERING Jon Richardson - he puts the great into the phrase "whiny, grating voice".
Jon's team-mate, Michelle Wolf! CHEERING Before finding fame on The Daily Show in America, Michelle worked on Wall Street, so her surname is Wolf, and she used to work on Wall Street.
She's just like that film - Annie.
Up against them this evening, it's special guest team captain Jonathan Ross! CHEERING Jonathan owns a number of exotic pets, including an iguana.
Brightly coloured with soft, leathery skin and a bulging neck Jonathan is one of the most distinctive faces on television.
Yeah, well, it's very funny, Jimmy, but the ig-uana's dead, and you raise Dave as a joke? You are a terrible person.
I went for iguana, you went with? - Dave.
- How do you pronounce "iguana"? It had its name Iguana.
You did say ig-uana the first time.
I preferred ig-uana.
I thought you were getting it right.
- I thought you'd know.
- He's dead! Does it matter?! And joining Jonathan tonight, it's Johnny Vegas! CHEERING Johnny Vegas has show business running through his veins, as well as dangerously high levels of saturated fat.
You've all come back to butter haven't ya? I was mocked during the margarine years.
Your love of butter - I mean, you say what you want, you've outlived Prince and David Bowie.
Who would have thought it? Only cos I'm younger.
You are? LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT WORDS Wow.
OK, we're not standing for that.
What was your luxury Gaviscon? I remember when I first met you, you were taking Gaviscon, but luxury Gaviscon that you were making yourself.
It's two part Bailey's, one part Cointreau.
And you were drinking, if I'm not mistaken, pints of.
Well, I had a lot of reflux.
LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT WORDS - So, Jonathan, it's your first time being a captain on Cats Does Countdown.
- Yes.
How are you going to motivate Johnny? Well, I don't think I need to motivate Johnny, because I haven't I didn't see your previous appearances on the show, but I said I'll be captain as long as you give me the team itself, if we're really crackerjack at what we do.
And they've said that Johnny is excellent at all things in this game.
Have they misinformed me, Johnny? How many have you won of the previous shows you been on? It's not about winning, it's about building It's about building to this moment, isn't it? But they did say he was very good.
Is he? He's never scored a single point.
And he's been on this show eight times.
Because they said he was the best, so he's the best at not scoring.
I see.
He's great company after the show.
I lull Jon into a false sense of security, and you attack.
OK.
Question, do you have names other than John? It does seem like a fair point, yeah.
We thought we'd make it super simple for you.
We weren't expecting one of those smart Americans.
Would you like to give us John 1, John 2 and John 3 or Big John, Little John, Dull John? Would you like to add something? I'd have no idea how to pick Big John, Little John and Dull John.
Yes, you do! Yes, you do.
Johnny, have you got a game plan for the evening? - Write stuff down.
- Write stuff down, yeah.
And, like, write the stuff that's up there down.
Don't just write things down and look busy.
In a big office.
You can't get away with it now.
This is like It's more of an appraisal.
Michelle, do you know who any of us are? No.
I thought When I saw you, I thought maybe Benedict Cumberbatch had gotten in a terrible accident.
APPLAUSE The really hurtful thing about that is I'd sort of take that as a compliment, just to be mentioned in the same sentence.
I'm thrilled.
OK, what do you think of your team captain - Jon? - What do you make of him? - Erm, he seems a little school shooter-y.
But other than that Yes! Yes, he does! - Because it's always the quiet ones.
- Yeah.
Michelle, do any British words or phrases confuse you? Oh, almost everything Johnny said.
It took me a solid minute and a half to realise he was talking about butter.
I once chatted to a girl in a bar in San Francisco for half an hour, and she said that my voice was one of the most melodic that she'd ever heard.
And then Did she just get the ability to hear? .
.
confessed that she hadn't understood, as you, a single word I'd said.
OK, Jon, have you ever done something and thought, "I'm never doing that again"? Oh, yeah, I've made some big mistakes in my life.
I once bought the same squash twice in a row.
That's stuck with me.
I'd enjoyed the orange and mango, and I thought, "Do you know what? I'll have that one again.
" And then you're stuck with it.
It's a long time to get through a bottle of squash, isn't it? I should have gone summer fruits.
You always go purple, orange, purple, orange, purple, orange.
What is this? Squash? I thought you were talking about the vegetable.
- No.
What would you call it? - AMERICAN ACCENT: Dilute juice? You would probably say that.
You would probably say AMERICAN ACCENT: .
.
dilute juice.
Orange fucking cordial.
I don't know what American does this! OK, now, Jonathan, have you got a mascot this evening? I have got a mascot.
They asked me to bring one.
I bought something quite rare.
As you know, I'm a collector.
I collect comic books, I love all things like that, and I also collect toys that have a particular frame of reference - Japanese toys from the 1960s and 1970s.
In particular, toys from the companies Bullmark, Popy Chogokin and Takara.
Sorry, are you also a part-time snooker referee? Well, no, because.
.
Because this is a very valuable little item I'm bringing out for you, and I'm showing it the respect it deserves, if I can get my glove on.
- Are we playing airport again? - No, no, no LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE You're all clear.
OK, so, so this is Takara Mikuroman man from 1970 Oh! This is about 50 years old, so his hips aren't as strong as they used to be, OK, and these come Mikuroman, which we would pronounce Microman.
- These are the original Micromen? - Yeah, these are the original.
And what I love about them - they're incredibly great toys, they're a beautiful-looking toy.
When they brought them out, they brought out about ten, so the Japanese company gave them names.
Can you guess what this one's name was? Is it Jeff? Cos he looks like he's dragging two bags and he's coming out of the airport, and his taxi's not arrived.
You're not far wrong, though.
His name was George.
- Can I have a look at him? - You can, but don't break him with your big fingers.
His joints are just rather unfortunate.
He just looks like me leaving a pub.
He's quite old.
HE SLURS INDISTINCTLY You don't need to do the voice, Johnny.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Johnny, have you got a mascot? What have you brought? Erm, well, I've rifled through a skip, basically, and I found this.
- That's my mascot.
- Me! - Yeah, it's Michelle in her college years.
This was before you had your other leg lengthened.
You have the same disdainful look.
Every time I open my mouth, it's like 50% of your brain goes, "We can rest.
" I do like his cuffs.
He's always dressed for dinner.
He's a wonderful thing.
You should see my Rescue Base.
I've seen your Rescue Base.
- Recue Base? - I've got two Cripplers never removed from boxes - boom.
Don't you? There's a morality issue Aren't toys created to be played with? Not the ones that I've got.
That sounded like the saddest line from a movie! "Aren't toys supposed to be played with?" What Dickensian era did I grow up in? COCKNEY: "Aren't toys supposed to be played with?" I think she's just nailed you is what's happened.
Michelle, have you got a mascot? I do.
I was sort of missing home, so I asked for a gun .
.
and instead they brought me this baby Taser.
It's not FOR babies.
It's small.
And then they filled it with my favourite Tennessee whiskey.
Did you just? Have you just got whiskey in your eye? It's real whiskey.
So Well, that is not at all suggestive(!) Oh, God it is.
I'm all right, I'm driving.
I'm driving our team to victory .
.
since my shit-faced colleague probably won't be.
OK, Jon, have you got a mascot? Yes, well, it's more of a celebration, Jimmy.
- Well, fantastic.
- Of course, we all know that Bake Off is coming to Channel 4.
APPLAUSE Course.
I've a special Bake Off hat.
I am Marquee Mark.
APPLAUSE It's very exciting for me, it is like a sort of World Cup coming to the town I live in.
I didn't want you to be left out, Jimmy, so I've made you a cake I thought you would like.
This is a pound cake.
Although, since Brexit, it's slightly less than a pound.
I've recently learned that half of that pound cake needs to go to the taxman, so I APPLAUSE I can't accept it all.
- I'll take it.
- For Susie, I made a tiramisusie.
It's basically an ordinary tiramisu, but well read.
If you like tiramisu and puns, you're in luck, Susie.
There's only three spoons, I'm afraid, so one of you can't have tiramisu.
- There we go.
- Wow.
- Thank you.
- Now I want it finished by the end of the show.
I didn't think you could look any more nerdy, but you've done it.
And these are for you two.
- For us? - I didn't want you to be left out, so these are some profiteroles.
- Wow, thank you.
- Thank you.
- You can enjoy those.
They're proper profiteroles, they're good and tasty, and they're lined with a laxative filling.
It's inspired by the Bible quote - "what shall it profit-a-role, "if we make a few pounds but lose our arsehole?" So I thought if you eat a few of them, you'll shit your pants and we'll win.
Jon Richardson's cakes, everybody.
APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT WORDS OK, over in Dictionary Corner we've got Pappy's.
Yes.
APPLAUSE Now, you're in Dictionary Corner.
Which one of you is the cleverest? - Well, you're dyslexic.
- Yes.
So it's going to be a long night for you in Dictionary Corner.
Yeah, I'm just going to sing along to the clock.
I think I'm probably sort of look like I might be the cleverest, because I've got glasses.
I do need these.
I had to take a test to get these and fail that test.
I wear glasses, yeah, yeah.
But I think Tom is probably the cleverest.
He's a sort of philosopher-type character.
Yeah, he's always coming up with sayings, like that one about the weather.
I've got a great saying about the weather.
- Go ahead.
- Red sky at night - shepherd's delight.
Blue sky at night day.
- It's true.
- Yeah.
APPLAUSE It's true, it's true.
OK, and with Pappy's, of course, it's Susie Dent! Yeah! CHEERING In October, Susie released her 14th book.
Well, you know what they say - if at first you don't succeed, keep on releasing boring books.
Susie, you've written a book recently about the secret languages of Britain.
Can you tell us some of your favourites? Yes, well, I had to hang out with different groups of people who share a sort of common language, so I had binmen.
I had a great day out with binmen.
And they call maggots disco rice, which I love - I really like that.
And they also, if they're cleaning the street, they talk about getting it up, so having a really good day - getting it up is I bet they were when you were there, Susie! And in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley! CHEERING Rachel Riley has a degree from Oxford, and her tutors have a degree of sadness when they think about her chosen career path.
Rachel, what's the best and worst chat-up line anyone's ever tried on you? Well, the worst chat-up line I've heard is, "I've got a purple dome that needs a home.
" You know what, Rachel - if you're not interested, just say you're not interested.
It was in text form.
My friend made the mistake of letting me play Tinder on her phone.
- Played Tinder? - Yeah.
What was the best chat-up line? Was there any good chat-up lines? I can't remember.
That's the one that sticks in my mind "I've got a little mouse that needs a house"? OK, the prize the teams will be competing for the night is this, the Countdown ball pit.
Yes! CHEERING OK, let's Countdown, everyone.
For the first game, Jonathan and Johnny, you get the pick of the letters.
- Johnny, shall we do this together? - OK, a letter, please.
C And another letter, please.
U Come on! Consonant! Consonant! - Oh - Aw Shall we have another consonant? M And a A vowel? A Another vowel, please.
I Consonant.
S Another vowel.
We're going to go for another.
- E.
- And then shall we round it off - With a consonant? - Yes, please.
- R.
OK, and for the first time today, here's the Countdown clock.
CULMAISER! Ah Oh CRACKING CRUNCHING APPLAUSE - What the? - Jonathan, how many letters? That's how we first met - when you wanted to get into show business.
I made it, Ma.
I've got a bunch of fives.
But I haven't got I've got Bunch of fives, OK.
What about Johnny? How many have you got? - I've got a seven.
- Well, how many have you ACTUALLY got? I've got a seven.
- Yeah, he has - got a seven.
- Oh, OK, well, Jon, how many have you got? - Don't look at me like that, Jon! - Jon, what have you got? I've got a Bake Off six.
A Bake Off six? - Yeah.
- And, Michelle, what have you got? I've got a boring six, but a fun three.
OK, Jonathan, one of your fives.
I've got MISER, LASER, CURLS.
OK, Michelle, your six? CLAIMS CLAIMS.
Jon, your six? It's how you stop a mini choux bun becoming a profiterole - CREAMS! - So we've - Thanks, Jon.
You've just provided the ultimate distraction for the rest of the show for me.
You know I'm obese, and you've just thrown a cake in my eye line.
Every ounce of my being wants to crawl over this desk now and rescue that.
Johnny, what's your seven? I.
.
You see, I had CLAIMS, the same, and then obviously the letters weren't there to make claimant, but is CLAIMER a word? CLAIMER This could be the best Johnny has ever done.
JONATHAN: You see, you see? Oh! CHEERING - Seven! - You bring out the best in me.
- I have faith in you, yes! OK, Pappy's, Susie, could they have done any better? - There's a few eights, actually.
- Oh, there would be, wouldn't there? Yeah, sorry, mate.
CLUMSIER? I mean, you could have got that.
Oh, yeah.
- Susie, any more? - Yeah, RECLAIMS you could have, turn CLAIMER around, - but pretty good to get a seven.
- Really good.
- I'm impressed.
It's like that kid who's just bad at school, innit? And he has that one day to shine.
"Still very good.
"Now you can stop burning things to the ground.
" So at the end of that, Jonathan and Johnny are in the lead with 7 points.
OK, on to our first numbers round, and, Jon, Michelle, your turn to pick the numbers.
Oh, I know how to do this, for sure.
Oh, go ahead.
Top I'm enjoying it, one word at a time.
If you want to look like a sort of old Countdown hand, you'd say something like a 1-2, 1-2, or inverted T, or something.
What? I don't want to come off as that big of a nerd.
Well, just say something like, "Some big 'uns and some small 'uns.
" Would you like little ones or big ones? One big one? Fuck it, I don't even give a shit.
I'm not being the nerd.
I don't care, Rachel.
Put some letters and a picture of a meadow up there for all I care.
- You all ready for this? - Yeah, sure.
Ready for this?! Some numbers on a board, Rachel - get over yourself.
- Here we go.
8 - "Are you ready for this?" - 6 5 "I got a 6, I got a 5.
Are you ready?" - It's exciting! - Yeah, I think we'll be all right.
- 1 - Oh, I wasn't expecting a 1, Jesus.
And 100.
- Oh - And the target Oh, Jesus! Yes, don't change it! You did this before and you changed it on me - when I got it.
I can get that.
- It's changed.
- No, don't change it.
- Why?! - Your target is 687.
Your time starts now.
So the target was 687.
Jon, I'm taking it by the fact you ate two profiteroles that you got that? Yeah, we did.
OK.
- Michelle, did you get it? - I did.
OK, Johnny, did you get it? Almost.
Almost.
You were just 687 away.
No, I got 686, obviously, because I forgot I'd already used the 6.
OK, Jonathan, did you get it? Well, I did it wrong, because - That's a no, then, isn't it? - Well, no, I got confused again.
I got so excited and I was trying to get 587, and I got really close.
So But in a way, I.
.
In a way I got it.
Well, Michelle, how did you do it? I actually used the 6 twice, so I didn't get it.
Jon, how did you get it? 6 + 1 x 100 - 8 - 5 - Yep.
- 10 points to Jon.
Well done, Jon.
APPLAUSE OK, so Jonathan and Johnny have 7, Jon and Michelle have 10.
We could have got that.
CHEERING And here's your teaser.
The words are NUDE SNOG.
The clue is - they're wet and dirty.
That's NUDE SNOG.
They're wet and dirty.
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were NUDE SNOG.
The clue was - they're wet and dirty.
It was, of course, DUNGEONS.
So, Jon and Michelle are in the lead.
OK, they've been playing in teams so far, but this game is just for Johnny and Michelle.
So, Michelle, your turn to choose the letters.
- Don't let him get in there.
- All right, Michelle, just good luck, OK? Welcome to the UK.
Enjoy.
And I had a perm once, so Power to you.
Is yours a natural curl? Natural, yeah.
Oh, do you use a diffuser? LAUGHTER How do you know so much about beauty? LAUGHTER Come here, come here.
OK, I'll have two vowels.
Sure.
O A Then one more vowel, and then the restconsonants? - That'll do.
- No, wait, I want one more vowel.
Yeah, good decision.
JONATHAN: Intake of breath.
P T and L OK, and your time startsnow.
JOHNNY: Hang on, N, E, A, O, E Does anyone fancy a kebab? - Is it vegetarian? - It's not vegetarian, but I've got - Yeah, if you take those.
- Oh, no - It's not vegetarian, but it's not any meat you've ever heard of either.
It's a shame, because since I gave up meat, sweating, mechanically reconstituted flesh is my favourite kind.
- I got you this because I know you're vegetarian.
- Oh, cheers.
You enjoy.
- I want one.
- Do you want just the one? Iceberg, dead ahead! RACHEL: One between three? Susie doesn't want it.
I know I wasn't in that round, Jimmy, but I seem to have ended up with some good lettuce! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I better take this off because I look ridiculous.
Michelle, how many? I got a big five.
- OK, Johnny? - I got a big five, too.
- I got a seven.
- You weren't playing.
Oh - What was your seven? - What's the seven I got? - ETHANOL.
- OK, Johnny, what was your five? - PHONE.
- What, sorry? IN RECEIVED PRONUNCIATION: PHONE.
ET phones home.
- Phone.
- Phone.
- Phone.
- Phone.
Someone's on the phone fer ya.
- Someone's on the phone.
- Best get the phone.
"Father, London's a lonely place.
" "Yep, it's raining here, I'll get your mum.
" Phone! - Michelle, what was your five? - I'm embarrassed to say also PHONE.
- Well, five points to both teams.
- We are so connected.
It's going to really hurt you when you find out we were separated at birth, isn't it? That you have a twin.
Are you flirting with someone you also think is your sister? No! Jesus, no.
Have you never been to the south of your own country? Fair play.
You've not touched your kebab.
Oh, no, I had a piece.
It's sweating lamb meat.
I don't see the problem with that.
OK, Pappy's, Susie, could they have done any better? Well, Tom was very excited, he thought you could get ANTELOPE, and you can't.
There is a good eight, which is HANEPOOT.
HANEPOOT, which is my pet name for Jimmy.
It's a variety of muscat grape.
It's from the Dutch, meaning cock foot.
OK, so at the end of that, Jonathan and Johnny have 12, Jon and Michelle are just in the lead with 15.
Well, that was good.
APPLAUSE Right, now time for Jon and Jonathan to go head-to-head.
- Jonathan, your turn to pick the numbers.
- Numbers, oh, numbers again? I know, against Jon as well! Can I have an inverted T? Shit, this guy's played before.
One big, five small, and they are 10, 3 1, 2 4 and 25.
And the target So your target is 136, your time starts now.
- You should be ashamed of yourself.
- OK, so the target was 136.
Jonathan, did you get it? Well, I'm angry, cos he probably got it.
I got 135, but he's probably actually got it, and I can't, it should be impossible to get it.
But you stopped halfway through.
Because I'd got 135, that's close enough for a normal person.
It's only because I'm playing a cyborg that I have to try and get 136.
You can't sit me opposite one of Doctor Who's early villains and expect me to have a chance.
- Jon, did you get it? - I think so.
I'd got 135 about halfway through, but I thought let's push on and see if we can get the actual number.
How did you do it? 4 + 1 = 5 Yep.
x 25 - 25.
- + 10.
- 135.
- + 3 - 2.
And that extra bit of effort JONATHAN: Insane, that's crazy talk.
- Well done.
- Ten points to Jon.
OK, so Jonathan and Johnny have 12 but Jon and Michelle are in the lead with 25.
Time now to go across to Dictionary Corner.
Pappy's, what have you got for us? Well, here in Pappy's, - we've been talking to each other a lot about gloves.
- Yeah.
- We're quite obsessed with the subject.
- Right.
Yeah, so we've got a theory that the kind of gloves a person wears says a lot about who that person really is.
And we thought we could test the theory here, tonight In song.
# Leather gloves, leather gloves - # Are you a chauffeur who drives a limousine? - Uh-uh - # Or maybe you're a Nazi who's acting really mean - No way! # Could be a strangler strangling who you can # No, I am an Italian man # Grazie, senorita # Plastic gloves, plastic gloves - # Now do you do forensics like on CSI? - No way! - # Or a little lady about to use hair dye - Uh-uh # Or maybe a heart surgeon doing a bypass # No, I'm a customs officer I'm going to probe your ass BOTH: # So many gloves so little time # The gloves keep coming all different kinds # So you better think twice what you put on your hands # Cos the glove that he wears says a lot about the man # Woollen gloves # Are you at a bonfire with a sparkler that's lit? # I wish # Or maybe you're the boyfriend of a girl who loves to knit # No, I'm not even human # That's why your guess is failing # Someone dropped their glove # Someone picked it up # And they put it on me # That's right, I'm a railing # I'm a railing, guys # White gloves, yeah, you heard me # White gloves, white gloves - # Now are you a magician? - Uh-uh - # Or are you Mickey Mouse? - No - # Or a snooker umpire at Stephen Hendry's house? - Foul # Or maybe you're a mime imagining some glass # No, I am a butler, but I'm going to probe your ass BOTH: # So many gloves so little time # The gloves keep coming # All different kinds # So you'd better think twice what you put on your hands # Cos the gloves that he wears says a lot about this man # Are you a boxer? Yes, I am a boxer.
Pappy's, everyone! And here's your teaser.
The words are THIN ARSE, the clue is - full of short and curlies.
That's THIN ARSE, full of short and curlies.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the Teaser - the words were THIN ARSE.
The clue was, full of short and curlies.
It was, of course, HAIRNETS.
Right, before we get on with the game, time for a quick bonus round.
Tonight's prize is the Countdown Ballpit.
So, Jonathan and Jon are going to be going head-to-head in the Countdown Ballpit Challenge.
- Come and join me.
- OK.
OK, I'm going to give each of you a nine-letter word.
All you need to do is find the letters that spell out that word in the ballpit.
Whoever gets the word first, gets the bonus points.
OK, Jonathan, your word is - POPPADOMS.
- POPPADOMS.
So you've got to find POPPADOMS in there and spell it out there, one ball at a time.
Jon, your word is SECATEURS.
LAUGHTER Hey, that guy in the front, I'm waving to you from underneath his ball sack! LAUGHTER Let's enjoy this moment! OK, all the letters are in the pit somewhere.
Good luck.
Away you go.
HORN BLARES AUDIENCE CHEERS ENTHUSIATICALLY This is entertainment! This is why we can't have nice things on this show.
AUDIENCE: Jon! Jon! Jon! Jon! Ha-ha-ha-ha! WHISTLING JIMMY LAUGHS What are you looking for? There's no D.
Have you got a D? AUDIENCE MEMBER: Come on, Jon! Come on, Jon! WHOOPING AND WHISTLING HORN BLARES Oh! Jonathan is our winner! Well done, Jonathan, you got there first.
- Five points to Jonathan and Johnny.
- Thank you.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! OK, well, that was very dignified, gentlemen, well played! Welcome to British television, Michelle! I was just noticing how traditional of an English body you have.
In what way? Long Long, skinny, spindly legs.
LAUGHTER I get quite a lot of compliments about my legs from many of the fellas.
What was What did you think I was built like? - Oh, no! - A smart person! Oh, if I'd have jumped in once more, there'd have been a lot of profiteroles in there! All right, on with the game.
Johnny and Jonathan, your turn to choose the letters.
Er, let's go with a vowel, please.
I Ermerma vowel, please.
A - JON BURPS - Ooh! LAUGHTER I'm going for a vowel.
I want to see where this leads.
U - Ooh! - Just do it in that direction! Can I have another vowel, please? E Ooh, we haven't got the one I'm after yet.
- Could we have one - Shall I take one? Could we have the other vowel, please? - Yes! - Yes! Hooray! - A vowel? - Yeah.
- Another vowel, please.
LAUGHTER A - Do we have to have consonants now? - Yes.
- Oh, this game is for squares.
Well, you have to have consonants as well.
OK, we'll have whatever you need to give us.
I need to take some of those down, if we're playing by the rules, but You'd rather go with the bad boys.
D-R M OK, your time starts now.
Er, so, Jonathan, how many? - Seven.
- Seven?! - Ooh! - Maybe.
Johnny, how many? I've got a five, I think.
Jon? Well, I have to go for a seven, just to try and match Jonathan.
- Wow.
Wow, it's on.
- Michelle? Um, I have six, but I'm pretty sure it's not a word.
What's your six? MOADER.
M-O-A-D-E-R - MOADER.
- I think I'm just I've heard Johnny speak too much! And what does that mean? Use it in a sentence.
Um IN AMERICAN ACCENT: Get in your MOADER-car and let's go to the shops! LAUGHTER Susie, is it a word? - It's not, I'm afraid.
- Oh, why have you gotta be like that, Susie? Johnny, what was your word? - ErmDREAM.
- DREAM.
Jon, your risky seven? Er, MAUDIER.
As in, more maudy.
I'm feeling better about MOADER.
Umthat's not there either.
- Ah.
- OK, for the points, Jonathan.
Well, mine might have an E on the end it doesn't need, so it might only be a six.
I've got MARAUDE.
M-A-R-A-U-D-E.
Aw! That would be OK in French, but not in English.
- Oh - Ah, quel dommage, mon ami! LAUGHTER I'm sorry, but it looks like DREAMS do come true! Yeah, DREAM again! Oh, Johnny Vegas! Susie, could they have done any better? There were a couple of sevens, Jimmy.
URAEMIA and DIORAMA.
OK.
So the scores at the moment - Jonathan and Johnny have 22, Jon and Michelle have 25.
- Oh! - Ooh! - So it's pretty close.
And here is your final Teaser.
The words are RUB SADLY.
The clue is, this feels weird.
That's, RUB SADLY.
This feels weird.
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were RUB SADLY, the clue was, "This feels weird".
It was ABSURDLY.
OK, time for our final letters game.
Jon and Michelle, your turn to choose the letters.
You pick, please.
Three vowels? - I'm going to step in - OK.
- LAUGHTER The special relationship is over.
Con No, you do it.
There was a lot of sugar in those profiteroles.
If I'm not very much mistaken, Jon, you're tired, excited and you're showing off.
Yes, you are.
- Is there still - Yeah, that will take the edge off the sugar.
I'll down it.
- HE COUGHS - So many firsts today.
Consonant.
Another one.
- What do you fancy? - Can - Yeah.
Vowel.
- Erm A consonant.
- Yeah.
And a final? - Consonant? - Yeah! - LAUGHTER OK, and your 30 seconds starts now.
LAUGHTER No, it's too big, innit? What have you got, Jon? I've got a pin, and - .
.
I've got a seven.
- Go on, then.
Jonathan, how many have you got? Well, I've definitely got a seven, but I might have an eight.
- What are you going to go for, the seven or the eight? - Why do I have to choose? Why can't I just say I've got both.
Look, if the eight doesn't work out, give me the seven.
- Right, I'm going for the eight, balls.
- Johnny? - I've got a seven.
- JON: Yeah? - Michelle? - You are not liking this! - MICHELLE: I have a seven as well.
- You've got a seven as well? - Yeah.
OK, I'm going to get out of this, cos I'm losing circulation in my neck, and I think that's important, isn't it? OK, so, Michelle, your seven? - Exiters.
- Exiters? Like, people that exit.
- Susie? - It's not in.
- OK, Jon, your seven? - Sexiest.
- Johnny, what have you got? I've got sexiest.
- You've got sexiest? - I went for sexiest.
I had it, look.
- Sexiest.
- Yeah.
- Well done, Johnny.
- OK, Jonathan, what's your risky eight? - Where are we in the scores? If my eight is an actual eight, where are we in the scores now? JON: It's a crucial conundrum, whatever happens.
JONATHAN: Yeah, but how many points do you get if you win thething? - Ten.
- Ten? - He's within his right to ask, - before we go out on a limb on this.
- Yes, I am within my right.
You've inspired me.
Two seven-letters, and a five.
- Exactly.
- That has never happened.
You ask what you need to, boss.
We're a team.
OK, well If you need anyone's car stolen, I'm your man.
LAUGHTER - Go on, what have you got? - Sureties.
Sureties? I didn't think anyone was going to get that.
That is brilliant.
- Come on! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE That's show business! Thank you, Susie.
- Do you know what, mate? Me and you - You are the wind beneath my wings.
- We're like the A-Team, without a van and two other people.
- Yep.
If you use that word in a sentence, it would be, "Is that something we should look into after, "in terms of the piece of paper Susie gave to Jonathan?" "Sureties.
" No-one likes a bad loser, Jon, especially one who's eaten all the cakes and drunk all of daddy's whiskey.
- Johnny, what did you just eat there? - MICHELLE: What's the? Shh.
You just What did you just? Does it taste papery.
What did you say, Jonathan? No, I just wondered if it tasted .
.
if it tasted papery.
- Some evidence being consumed there, is there? - No, no, no, no, no! Johnny, we're safe, you can spit it out cos no-one's going to read it now.
OK, so what happened there, what happened there, gents, - was Jonathan cheated - What? .
.
and Johnny ate the evidence, so seven points for each team.
OK, so Jonathan and Johnny have 29, Jon and Michelle are in the lead with 32.
OK, so it's a crucial conundrum.
So sometimes, Michelle, on this show we say it's a conundrum, and that just means it's a bit of fun at the end of the show.
This is crucial, because there's less than ten points in it.
So they could win, or you could win.
I mean, it's exciting.
It's double jeopardy! It's not quite the Super Bowl, but we want to get you involved.
It's the golden shot.
The elephants on parade! Oh, I really thought we were getting somewhere.
That went very quickly from an explanation to a fever dream.
OK, all right, fingers on buzzers.
It's time for today's crucial Countdown conundrum.
- JONATHAN: You got it? - Jon? - BOTHERING.
- Why do the others? Even bothering to turn up, when they know for surety they're going to lose.
LAUGHTER Let's have a look and see.
Of course.
So, the final scores are, Jonathan and Johnny have a very respectable 29 points, but tonight's winners with 42, Jon and Michelle! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Congratulations, you're now the proud owner of the Countdown ball pit.
Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience, and to all of you watching at home.
That's it from us, good night!