Birds of a Feather (1989) s10e06 Episode Script
Blinded by Love
1 What'll I do When you Are far away And I am blue What'll I do? When I'm alone With only Dreams of you That won't come true What'll I do? Do you know, I haven't had champagne since Sharon got off her last drunk and disorderly charge.
This is the second-best way to spend an afternoon.
The best way just walked past.
(SIGHS) Cheers! Cheers.
So, what's all this in aid of, then? It's a present from Barry Quid.
We've been planning the opening of his new flagship store, World of Quid Extra, over a lunch of goose and chips.
Urgh! I know, but it's Barry's favourite.
Extravagant, with a touch of common.
Like him, so he thinks.
This is bloody nice! Oh, get over yourself.
I didn't call you cos you was working late.
I swapped shifts with Michelle.
She wanted to go to her granddaughter's christening.
Michelle McCarthy? She's only 30! And she knew.
Sorry, Sharon, but you and champagne are not a natural fit.
If Barry had left a six-pack of Special Brew, I'd have called you immediately.
I think you need another glass.
(SIGHS) Boy! (PHONE BEEPS) Oh, my God.
READS: Been trying to contact you.
Need to see you urgently.
Well, who's it from? Chris.
What, Chris, Chris? How do you know? Because he's put 'Chris'.
Well, what does he want? Won't be anything good.
All I ever got from being married to him was aggravation a nasty water infection and Theodopolopodous for a surname.
How long's it been? Ooh, it's been about 12 years since he last said he hated the sight of me and I said I wished he was dead.
Oh, nice (!) It might be something important.
It won't be.
Whatever he wants, it's just gonna be a waste of time.
Maybe he just misses your sunny, optimistic nature (!) He's late.
Typical Chris! And why did I let you two talk me into meeting him? And why are you both still hanging about? I'm struggling with my new book.
Writer's block.
I need distraction.
And I'm nosy.
I just wanna know what he wants.
He's obviously not coming.
Let's go out.
(DOORBELL) Oh, cobblers! What? What are you doing? I need my washing done.
Not now, we've got visitors.
(Oh, great.
) Aren't you gonna say hello to Uncle Chris? I barely talk to my dad cos he used to rob banks.
Why would I say hello to the mug who drove the getaway car? What a refreshingly principled outlook.
Are you certain he's yours? (DOORBELL) Are you gonna answer that? I'm gonna regret this, I know it.
Could I have some privacy, please? (SIGHS) If you're after money, I'm skint.
If you're looking for somewhere to kip, we're full up.
If you're selling something, I'm not interested.
And if you need a kidney, we ain't a match.
I checked.
Still a gobby mare, I see.
Here you are.
Which cemetery did you nick those from? Ah, Tracey! Oh, gorgeous as ever.
What do you want? And Doreen! Dorien.
Sorry, babe.
It's been a long time.
Not long enough.
Can't believe you three are still together.
What's up? Haven't you got any other friends? Still a silver-tongued berk, I see.
Get in there.
You've smartened yourself up a bit.
Pillow of the community now, ain't I? It's not pillow.
It's pillar.
What, like the rice? (SIGHS) No, never mind.
I got a steady job.
Did my City and Guilds on my last stretch.
I'm a carpenter now.
Carpenter? Yeah, if it's good enough for Jesus Oh So, that's what this is all about.
You've gone happy-clappy and you're trying to recruit me to whatever nutjob sect has let you through its doors.
No, no, no.
It's nothing like that.
So? What do you want? A divorce.
And there was me hoping that we could make another go of it (!) Really? No, of course not, you idiot.
I'm well shot of you.
Why have you bothered coming here? We've been apart over five years, you could just apply to the courts.
I've met another woman.
You were always meeting other women, Chris.
Mostly in alleyways, with 20 quid in your hand.
Her name's Angie.
We've been together for a couple of years and now she wants to get hitched.
What's the rush? She can't be pregnant.
Unless a miracle's happened, and your sperm count has jumped into double figures.
So, what's this Angie like, then? Not that I care.
She's really nice.
Must be a saint, to put up with you.
You ever met anyone? Yeah Yeah, I did, actually.
Er Gary.
He was a paramedic.
Really? And weekends, he was the captain of the lifeboat team down in Southend.
Sounds like a nice change from me.
Six months on death row would be a nice change from you.
So, you still with him? Erno.
No, he died.
Rescuing kiddies.
And puppies.
Oh, well.
Life goes on.
I need you to sign these papers.
Yeah.
Yeah, I will.
When there's a quiet night on telly.
Is there anything else? Well, I could murder a cup of tea.
(Divorce Cup of tea) (Want it all, don't you?) Lifeboats? Paramedic? Kiddies? Puppies? Where did Saint Gary come from? Been earwigging, have we? Can't believe you never divorced that tosser.
Just never got round to it, all right? I'm sensing a touch of jealousy about Chris re-marrying.
Erno! This Angie is probably some bimbo with plastic knockers who's just fallen for his old flannel.
Classic denial.
When Marcus married Wendy, I hated it.
I mean, she was everything I wasn't.
Sweet, home-loving Arse the size of Belgium.
(DOORBELL) That'll be Angie.
Is it all right if the dog comes in? You can't talk about her like that! You'll never change, will you? You must be Angie.
Hello.
Oh, you're er You've got a Er I'm Sharon.
Come in.
Thank you.
Now, are you sure you're all right there, doll? I'm fine! Honestly, he does fuss over me.
He does, doesn't he (?) He's the best thing that ever happened to me.
My kids love him, too.
You've got kids? Nice.
Mum? Not now, love.
(SIGHS) Great.
So How do you get on with Chris' family, then? Like a house on fire.
Oh, so your mum's dead, is she? No, Appy's still going strong.
Appy? His mum.
Short for Apollonia.
She was never very 'appy when you was around, was she, Shal? Oh, dear.
Did you clash? Like two drunks in a chicken shop.
Exaggerating a bit, Tracey.
No, I'm not.
Well, we had good times though, didn't we, Chris? Did we? Yes.
Oh Yeah, yeah.
One or two.
I do find relationships fascinating.
(OVER-ENUNCIATES) I'm a writer, you see.
Really? Anything I might have heard of? I don't want to bang my own drum.
Why not? You've banged everything else.
Sixty Shades of Green.
Oh, my gosh! You're Foxy Cohen! Oh, I should've guessed.
I was so excited when they brought out a version in braille.
It's out in braille? I can tell you, it feels just as naughty as it reads! I'm so excited! I've never met anyone famous before.
Calm down.
It ain't like she's on X Factor.
What Sharon means is she's nothing special.
She's just our mate, Dor.
What is it they say about familiarity? Worth two in the bush (?) Isn't that in chapter seven? I was gonna say that.
Hey, why don't you come to the little engagement do we're having? My friends would love to meet you, Dorien.
Thank you, Angie.
Tracey, Sharon Please come.
It would mean a lot to me.
Oh I-I I can't, really Oh, go on.
It would be our way of saying thank you for being so reasonable about the divorce.
Oh Well All right, then, yeah.
I'm sure I'll enjoy it a lot more than Chris' last engagement party.
The last time I let Sharon do an online shop.
There's not a vitamin in this lot.
You going out? Coffee with Angie.
My writer's block has gone.
It's been flushed through by my genius.
I am gonna base the central character in my new book on her.
Confident, vibrant, sassy.
Blind people have heightened sensual awareness, you know.
I read that was rubbish.
No, no, no.
I'm so excited.
I'm virtually swimming in my own creative juices.
If you make any puddles, you can clean them up yourself.
Mum? What? I got fed up of waiting for you to do the washing, so I did it myself.
Good.
No, it's not good.
There was a pen in one of my pockets and Well, your white top got ruined.
You're joking.
Yeah, I'm joking.
I took it down the dry cleaners.
Said you'd pay next time you're in.
Thank God for that.
Do you realise what he's just done? You're so relieved that he didn't ruin your new top, you've just agreed to have his washing dry-cleaned.
Oh, yeah.
Little sod.
I've been thinking, should we buy Chris and Angie an engagement gift? Only thing I'm ever gonna buy him is a headstone.
Come on.
Admit it, Sharon.
You're jealous.
I'm not jealous.
I'm bloody angry! I mean, why can't he have treated me the way he treats Angie? Instead of cheating on me and emptying my purse every chance he got.
Do you think it's because she's blind? I doubt it.
He wasn't that compassionate.
You and Chris brought out the worst in each other.
Some people shouldn't be together.
Like Jekyll and Hyde.
So it's my fault? No, it's just that she's a bit more .
.
and you're less What's the word, Dor? So many spring to mind (!) Let's just go for 'demure'.
Honestly You moon one coach-load of pensioners Maybe she brings out the gentleman in him.
Rubbish.
Why do I always get the crappy end of the stick? It's not fair.
No, it's not fair, Shal.
But there's not a lot you can do about it.
Oh, yes, there is.
I can let Angie know that she is marrying a low-life, cheating scumbag.
She'll find out herself soon enough.
What's the point? It'll make me feel better.
That's the point.
(SIGHS) (GREEK MUSIC) Your ex-mother-in-law, Appy, is here.
Must have flown first-class broomstick from Nicosia.
Hello, ladies.
Thank you so much for coming.
Wouldn't have missed it for the world.
Sharon.
(SPEAKS GREEK) She says you're looking well.
There's a lot of people looking forward to meeting you, Dorien.
Really? I'm looking forward to getting stuck in to research on my new book.
There's someone I want to meet.
Handsome hunk, sitting in the corner.
That must be Jack.
Good pick! Perfect.
See you later.
Excuse me, we'd better mingle.
Help yourself to some champagne.
Come along, Christopher.
Coming, darling.
Ugh.
Like her little lap dog, isn't he? Look, Shal.
Don't say anything to Angie about Chris.
You'll only upset yourself.
Yeah, you're right.
If he treats her better than he treated me, then good luck to her.
God knows she's gonna need it.
You're doing the right thing.
Keeping your dignity.
We'll have this, I'll give Chris the divorce papers, then we'll go.
Here, we could go down Scenarios.
It's buy one shot, get two free tonight.
We could get hammered.
What, and moon another coach-load of pensioners? Well, if one happens to pass by.
Sorry to disappoint a lovely lady like yourself, but the whole idea of blind people being more sensuous is a bit of a myth.
I did suspect that.
But before I give away my secrets, I think it's only fair I know a few things about you.
Well er Let me try and guess.
Sexy, husky voice.
Chic perfume.
May I? Fashionably short skirt.
I would say you're a sophisticated, stylish woman of around 38, 39? Near enough.
Now erm Why don't I get us both a drink before we make a start? Perfect.
What have you been up to? Erm Jack thinks I'm 39.
What, in dog years? It's just so nice to have a younger man judge me on my youthful, vibrant personality.
Instead of dismissing me because I may have one or two wrinkles.
No harm in that.
Let's hope he still thinks so when he finds out he's been chatting up Sylvester Stallone's mother.
Excuse me, girls.
(SNIGGERS) Chris? Oh Divorce papers, all signed.
Have a nice life.
Oh, thanks.
Cheers, Shal.
Can I ask you something? Why do you treat her so much better than you did me? The truth, for once.
She looks after me.
I looked after you! You never looked after me.
Burnt fish fingers four nights a week.
What, and a chip sandwich for Sunday lunch? And you never cleaned, either.
Her hoovering's better than yours and she can't see what she's doing.
You scumbag.
I bet you're playing about behind her back, just like you did with me.
No, I don't do that any more.
Oh, yeah? So, if I was to check your phone, I wouldn't find texts from whatever scrubber it is that you're seeing at the moment? I can read you like a book.
You're a liar and a cheat.
I hate the sight of you, Sharon.
And I wish you were dead, Chris.
You know what? They should've been our wedding vows.
Oh, this is brilliant.
This is just the sort of material I need.
I must say You lead a very active life.
What are the chances you can take a little break in a few weeks? Angie's invited a group of us to a villa Chris has inherited.
It's in Cyprus.
We're gonna turn it into an adventure break.
Rock climbing, paragliding, kayaking.
Do you fancy it? Jack I haven't been entirely honest with you about my age.
You're not 39? No.
45? No.
50? No.
55?! Could we just stop there? I'm never usually this wrong.
You certainly don't sound older than I thought Dorien Green, you are a remarkable woman.
And up here you'll always be 39.
(CHOKED) Oh Jack That is lovely.
And for the record you were planning to sleep with me at this weekend, weren't you? Definitely.
Still got it.
Right, let's go.
I've wiped that merchant off my shoes for the last time.
Good girl.
Are we leaving? Your toy boy sussed you out? What happened? It all unravelled when he told me about the villa Chris has inherited in Cyprus.
Say that again? It all unravelled - The last bit.
Chris has just inherited a villa in Cyprus.
Good luck to him.
Don't you get it, Shal? That's why they've been rushing this divorce.
They wanna make sure you ain't got any claim on it.
It won't be up to much.
It'll be like everything else is about Chris.
It won't be as big as he promised, and it won't be anywhere where you want it.
It doesn't matter.
You're entitled to it.
Come on, Shal.
Let's 'ave 'em.
No! Must we cause a scene? I thought you were all for moving on and keeping your dignity.
Sod dignity.
They're not taking my sister for a mug.
I knew you'd be trouble the minute you walked through the door.
Trying to cheat my sister out of what's rightfully hers.
What do you mean? You know.
The villa in Cyprus.
She doesn't deserve anything! She was a terrible wife.
No, Angie, that's where you're wrong.
All she wanted was a family, and he robbed her of that.
Angie, why don't you ask him about all the texts on his phone from his girlfriend? They're lying, babe.
Honest.
Give me your phone.
Don't listen to them.
They're just frustrated, bitter old trouts who ain't getting any.
I've waited 25 years to do this.
(SCREAMS) Missed! Well, it wasn't real champagne anyway.
I think you three had better leave.
Don't worry, we're going .
.
but before we do (WHISPERS) (GASPS) Here, Shal.
What did you say to her? I told her that every Friday night, Chris used to like to wear a bra and fishnets and call himself Yasmin.
(SHOUTING IN GREEK) (GLASS SMASHING) CHRIS: Ouch!
This is the second-best way to spend an afternoon.
The best way just walked past.
(SIGHS) Cheers! Cheers.
So, what's all this in aid of, then? It's a present from Barry Quid.
We've been planning the opening of his new flagship store, World of Quid Extra, over a lunch of goose and chips.
Urgh! I know, but it's Barry's favourite.
Extravagant, with a touch of common.
Like him, so he thinks.
This is bloody nice! Oh, get over yourself.
I didn't call you cos you was working late.
I swapped shifts with Michelle.
She wanted to go to her granddaughter's christening.
Michelle McCarthy? She's only 30! And she knew.
Sorry, Sharon, but you and champagne are not a natural fit.
If Barry had left a six-pack of Special Brew, I'd have called you immediately.
I think you need another glass.
(SIGHS) Boy! (PHONE BEEPS) Oh, my God.
READS: Been trying to contact you.
Need to see you urgently.
Well, who's it from? Chris.
What, Chris, Chris? How do you know? Because he's put 'Chris'.
Well, what does he want? Won't be anything good.
All I ever got from being married to him was aggravation a nasty water infection and Theodopolopodous for a surname.
How long's it been? Ooh, it's been about 12 years since he last said he hated the sight of me and I said I wished he was dead.
Oh, nice (!) It might be something important.
It won't be.
Whatever he wants, it's just gonna be a waste of time.
Maybe he just misses your sunny, optimistic nature (!) He's late.
Typical Chris! And why did I let you two talk me into meeting him? And why are you both still hanging about? I'm struggling with my new book.
Writer's block.
I need distraction.
And I'm nosy.
I just wanna know what he wants.
He's obviously not coming.
Let's go out.
(DOORBELL) Oh, cobblers! What? What are you doing? I need my washing done.
Not now, we've got visitors.
(Oh, great.
) Aren't you gonna say hello to Uncle Chris? I barely talk to my dad cos he used to rob banks.
Why would I say hello to the mug who drove the getaway car? What a refreshingly principled outlook.
Are you certain he's yours? (DOORBELL) Are you gonna answer that? I'm gonna regret this, I know it.
Could I have some privacy, please? (SIGHS) If you're after money, I'm skint.
If you're looking for somewhere to kip, we're full up.
If you're selling something, I'm not interested.
And if you need a kidney, we ain't a match.
I checked.
Still a gobby mare, I see.
Here you are.
Which cemetery did you nick those from? Ah, Tracey! Oh, gorgeous as ever.
What do you want? And Doreen! Dorien.
Sorry, babe.
It's been a long time.
Not long enough.
Can't believe you three are still together.
What's up? Haven't you got any other friends? Still a silver-tongued berk, I see.
Get in there.
You've smartened yourself up a bit.
Pillow of the community now, ain't I? It's not pillow.
It's pillar.
What, like the rice? (SIGHS) No, never mind.
I got a steady job.
Did my City and Guilds on my last stretch.
I'm a carpenter now.
Carpenter? Yeah, if it's good enough for Jesus Oh So, that's what this is all about.
You've gone happy-clappy and you're trying to recruit me to whatever nutjob sect has let you through its doors.
No, no, no.
It's nothing like that.
So? What do you want? A divorce.
And there was me hoping that we could make another go of it (!) Really? No, of course not, you idiot.
I'm well shot of you.
Why have you bothered coming here? We've been apart over five years, you could just apply to the courts.
I've met another woman.
You were always meeting other women, Chris.
Mostly in alleyways, with 20 quid in your hand.
Her name's Angie.
We've been together for a couple of years and now she wants to get hitched.
What's the rush? She can't be pregnant.
Unless a miracle's happened, and your sperm count has jumped into double figures.
So, what's this Angie like, then? Not that I care.
She's really nice.
Must be a saint, to put up with you.
You ever met anyone? Yeah Yeah, I did, actually.
Er Gary.
He was a paramedic.
Really? And weekends, he was the captain of the lifeboat team down in Southend.
Sounds like a nice change from me.
Six months on death row would be a nice change from you.
So, you still with him? Erno.
No, he died.
Rescuing kiddies.
And puppies.
Oh, well.
Life goes on.
I need you to sign these papers.
Yeah.
Yeah, I will.
When there's a quiet night on telly.
Is there anything else? Well, I could murder a cup of tea.
(Divorce Cup of tea) (Want it all, don't you?) Lifeboats? Paramedic? Kiddies? Puppies? Where did Saint Gary come from? Been earwigging, have we? Can't believe you never divorced that tosser.
Just never got round to it, all right? I'm sensing a touch of jealousy about Chris re-marrying.
Erno! This Angie is probably some bimbo with plastic knockers who's just fallen for his old flannel.
Classic denial.
When Marcus married Wendy, I hated it.
I mean, she was everything I wasn't.
Sweet, home-loving Arse the size of Belgium.
(DOORBELL) That'll be Angie.
Is it all right if the dog comes in? You can't talk about her like that! You'll never change, will you? You must be Angie.
Hello.
Oh, you're er You've got a Er I'm Sharon.
Come in.
Thank you.
Now, are you sure you're all right there, doll? I'm fine! Honestly, he does fuss over me.
He does, doesn't he (?) He's the best thing that ever happened to me.
My kids love him, too.
You've got kids? Nice.
Mum? Not now, love.
(SIGHS) Great.
So How do you get on with Chris' family, then? Like a house on fire.
Oh, so your mum's dead, is she? No, Appy's still going strong.
Appy? His mum.
Short for Apollonia.
She was never very 'appy when you was around, was she, Shal? Oh, dear.
Did you clash? Like two drunks in a chicken shop.
Exaggerating a bit, Tracey.
No, I'm not.
Well, we had good times though, didn't we, Chris? Did we? Yes.
Oh Yeah, yeah.
One or two.
I do find relationships fascinating.
(OVER-ENUNCIATES) I'm a writer, you see.
Really? Anything I might have heard of? I don't want to bang my own drum.
Why not? You've banged everything else.
Sixty Shades of Green.
Oh, my gosh! You're Foxy Cohen! Oh, I should've guessed.
I was so excited when they brought out a version in braille.
It's out in braille? I can tell you, it feels just as naughty as it reads! I'm so excited! I've never met anyone famous before.
Calm down.
It ain't like she's on X Factor.
What Sharon means is she's nothing special.
She's just our mate, Dor.
What is it they say about familiarity? Worth two in the bush (?) Isn't that in chapter seven? I was gonna say that.
Hey, why don't you come to the little engagement do we're having? My friends would love to meet you, Dorien.
Thank you, Angie.
Tracey, Sharon Please come.
It would mean a lot to me.
Oh I-I I can't, really Oh, go on.
It would be our way of saying thank you for being so reasonable about the divorce.
Oh Well All right, then, yeah.
I'm sure I'll enjoy it a lot more than Chris' last engagement party.
The last time I let Sharon do an online shop.
There's not a vitamin in this lot.
You going out? Coffee with Angie.
My writer's block has gone.
It's been flushed through by my genius.
I am gonna base the central character in my new book on her.
Confident, vibrant, sassy.
Blind people have heightened sensual awareness, you know.
I read that was rubbish.
No, no, no.
I'm so excited.
I'm virtually swimming in my own creative juices.
If you make any puddles, you can clean them up yourself.
Mum? What? I got fed up of waiting for you to do the washing, so I did it myself.
Good.
No, it's not good.
There was a pen in one of my pockets and Well, your white top got ruined.
You're joking.
Yeah, I'm joking.
I took it down the dry cleaners.
Said you'd pay next time you're in.
Thank God for that.
Do you realise what he's just done? You're so relieved that he didn't ruin your new top, you've just agreed to have his washing dry-cleaned.
Oh, yeah.
Little sod.
I've been thinking, should we buy Chris and Angie an engagement gift? Only thing I'm ever gonna buy him is a headstone.
Come on.
Admit it, Sharon.
You're jealous.
I'm not jealous.
I'm bloody angry! I mean, why can't he have treated me the way he treats Angie? Instead of cheating on me and emptying my purse every chance he got.
Do you think it's because she's blind? I doubt it.
He wasn't that compassionate.
You and Chris brought out the worst in each other.
Some people shouldn't be together.
Like Jekyll and Hyde.
So it's my fault? No, it's just that she's a bit more .
.
and you're less What's the word, Dor? So many spring to mind (!) Let's just go for 'demure'.
Honestly You moon one coach-load of pensioners Maybe she brings out the gentleman in him.
Rubbish.
Why do I always get the crappy end of the stick? It's not fair.
No, it's not fair, Shal.
But there's not a lot you can do about it.
Oh, yes, there is.
I can let Angie know that she is marrying a low-life, cheating scumbag.
She'll find out herself soon enough.
What's the point? It'll make me feel better.
That's the point.
(SIGHS) (GREEK MUSIC) Your ex-mother-in-law, Appy, is here.
Must have flown first-class broomstick from Nicosia.
Hello, ladies.
Thank you so much for coming.
Wouldn't have missed it for the world.
Sharon.
(SPEAKS GREEK) She says you're looking well.
There's a lot of people looking forward to meeting you, Dorien.
Really? I'm looking forward to getting stuck in to research on my new book.
There's someone I want to meet.
Handsome hunk, sitting in the corner.
That must be Jack.
Good pick! Perfect.
See you later.
Excuse me, we'd better mingle.
Help yourself to some champagne.
Come along, Christopher.
Coming, darling.
Ugh.
Like her little lap dog, isn't he? Look, Shal.
Don't say anything to Angie about Chris.
You'll only upset yourself.
Yeah, you're right.
If he treats her better than he treated me, then good luck to her.
God knows she's gonna need it.
You're doing the right thing.
Keeping your dignity.
We'll have this, I'll give Chris the divorce papers, then we'll go.
Here, we could go down Scenarios.
It's buy one shot, get two free tonight.
We could get hammered.
What, and moon another coach-load of pensioners? Well, if one happens to pass by.
Sorry to disappoint a lovely lady like yourself, but the whole idea of blind people being more sensuous is a bit of a myth.
I did suspect that.
But before I give away my secrets, I think it's only fair I know a few things about you.
Well er Let me try and guess.
Sexy, husky voice.
Chic perfume.
May I? Fashionably short skirt.
I would say you're a sophisticated, stylish woman of around 38, 39? Near enough.
Now erm Why don't I get us both a drink before we make a start? Perfect.
What have you been up to? Erm Jack thinks I'm 39.
What, in dog years? It's just so nice to have a younger man judge me on my youthful, vibrant personality.
Instead of dismissing me because I may have one or two wrinkles.
No harm in that.
Let's hope he still thinks so when he finds out he's been chatting up Sylvester Stallone's mother.
Excuse me, girls.
(SNIGGERS) Chris? Oh Divorce papers, all signed.
Have a nice life.
Oh, thanks.
Cheers, Shal.
Can I ask you something? Why do you treat her so much better than you did me? The truth, for once.
She looks after me.
I looked after you! You never looked after me.
Burnt fish fingers four nights a week.
What, and a chip sandwich for Sunday lunch? And you never cleaned, either.
Her hoovering's better than yours and she can't see what she's doing.
You scumbag.
I bet you're playing about behind her back, just like you did with me.
No, I don't do that any more.
Oh, yeah? So, if I was to check your phone, I wouldn't find texts from whatever scrubber it is that you're seeing at the moment? I can read you like a book.
You're a liar and a cheat.
I hate the sight of you, Sharon.
And I wish you were dead, Chris.
You know what? They should've been our wedding vows.
Oh, this is brilliant.
This is just the sort of material I need.
I must say You lead a very active life.
What are the chances you can take a little break in a few weeks? Angie's invited a group of us to a villa Chris has inherited.
It's in Cyprus.
We're gonna turn it into an adventure break.
Rock climbing, paragliding, kayaking.
Do you fancy it? Jack I haven't been entirely honest with you about my age.
You're not 39? No.
45? No.
50? No.
55?! Could we just stop there? I'm never usually this wrong.
You certainly don't sound older than I thought Dorien Green, you are a remarkable woman.
And up here you'll always be 39.
(CHOKED) Oh Jack That is lovely.
And for the record you were planning to sleep with me at this weekend, weren't you? Definitely.
Still got it.
Right, let's go.
I've wiped that merchant off my shoes for the last time.
Good girl.
Are we leaving? Your toy boy sussed you out? What happened? It all unravelled when he told me about the villa Chris has inherited in Cyprus.
Say that again? It all unravelled - The last bit.
Chris has just inherited a villa in Cyprus.
Good luck to him.
Don't you get it, Shal? That's why they've been rushing this divorce.
They wanna make sure you ain't got any claim on it.
It won't be up to much.
It'll be like everything else is about Chris.
It won't be as big as he promised, and it won't be anywhere where you want it.
It doesn't matter.
You're entitled to it.
Come on, Shal.
Let's 'ave 'em.
No! Must we cause a scene? I thought you were all for moving on and keeping your dignity.
Sod dignity.
They're not taking my sister for a mug.
I knew you'd be trouble the minute you walked through the door.
Trying to cheat my sister out of what's rightfully hers.
What do you mean? You know.
The villa in Cyprus.
She doesn't deserve anything! She was a terrible wife.
No, Angie, that's where you're wrong.
All she wanted was a family, and he robbed her of that.
Angie, why don't you ask him about all the texts on his phone from his girlfriend? They're lying, babe.
Honest.
Give me your phone.
Don't listen to them.
They're just frustrated, bitter old trouts who ain't getting any.
I've waited 25 years to do this.
(SCREAMS) Missed! Well, it wasn't real champagne anyway.
I think you three had better leave.
Don't worry, we're going .
.
but before we do (WHISPERS) (GASPS) Here, Shal.
What did you say to her? I told her that every Friday night, Chris used to like to wear a bra and fishnets and call himself Yasmin.
(SHOUTING IN GREEK) (GLASS SMASHING) CHRIS: Ouch!