My Family (2000) s10e06 Episode Script

Now, I've got you lots of fresh fruit and veg in.
I want you to eat healthily while I'm gone.
Darling, you're only going away for three days.
- I'm hardly going to get scurvy.
- I know what you're like.
You'll be slobbing out on that sofa, stuffing your face with junk food - before I even get in the taxi.
- I know how to eat.
You know how to eat quickly.
Just take it easy this weekend.
Darling, I shall have a very solitary weekend of introspection, sophistication, culture.
I've seen the dodgy DVDs you got from the pub.
Well, I have to have something to occupy my mind while you are away, my love.
- You can't wait to get me into that taxi.
- (HORN HONKS) - Here's the taxi, come on! Quickly! - Just look after yourself.
I've left everything you need for a fruit smoothie.
- Do you know how to do that? - Yes, Mum.
Take care.
Bye! - Bye! - Mummy, Mummy, Mummy! - What? Oh! - Teedly-dee! (LAUGHS) OK, so raspberries, raspberries, that's very high inantioxidants Ah-ha! A little bit of natural yoghurt - slurpy slurp - and before you can say ''nagging wife'' Stop, stop, stop! Oh, great(!) That is great(!) And they call this healthy living - please! OK, OK.
Forget the health, let's get on with life.
ON TV: My bite is worse than my bark! Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
It's not what it looks like.
ON TV: America's Next Top Model.
All right, it is.
Yeah, Mum, Dad just came back from the library.
ErDostoevsky, apparently.
Yeah.
Oh, no, no, no, I wouldn't bother him now.
No, no, no, he's about to go out for a jog.
OK, Mum.
Yeah, bye.
Dad, is this all you're going to do while Mum's away? Watch TV? Yes, and drink.
- It's not good for you, you know.
- Actually, studies show that red wine increases the elasticity of the arteries.
Not 1 2 bottles.
Please, Janey, I'm not some binge-drinking yob.
I've got three days to get through them.
And what is this rubbish you're watching? Oh, I wouldn't mind seeing this! Excellent.
Sorry, no offence, but this is kind of my time.
But I'm your daughter.
That's sort of the point.
Look, just be careful, OK, Dad? Cos the police are cracking down on dodgy DVDs.
They're not dodgy DVDs, they're very, very high quality.
When you watch them, it's like being in the cinema.
Only because you can see people's heads getting up to go to the toilet.
Ah, that's getting better.
That's getting better.
That's got so much better.
Now, what shall we have next? What have we got here? The Cabernet Sauvignon or the Merlot? Now, which goes best with Vin Diesel? Dad, the police are here to see you.
Janey! What? Here, hi! Yes, can I help you? - You Ben Harper? - Er, um, yeah.
- I'll leave you to it.
- Janey! Would you mind accompanying us to the police station to answer some questions? Look, II bought them at a proper shop, - I just may have lost the receipt.
- What? The, er Nothing.
A woman was mugged very near your bank at 1 1 .
05am.
We have CCTV footage of you in the area shortly before the attack.
Ah.
Yeah, really, really? I didn't see anything.
It's more a question of eliminating you from our enquiries.
You can't seriously suspect me of anything? I mean, I'm a very highly respected member of this community.
I'm a member of the Neighbourhood Watch scheme, you know.
I mean, I don't go to meetings, but it keeps the insurance premiums down.
Well, we can't force you to come to the police station, but you do match the description - brown hair, aged 40 to 45.
- To 45.
- 45, yeah, well, even so, yeah, yeah.
I suppose one's got to do everything one can to help the local police.
- Great.
- You do have your own car, don't you? Because I'mI'm a bit hammered.
Finished your statement yet, Mr Harper? Shh! Hang on.
Um yep, OK, there you go.
''Went to the bank.
'' It took you 20 minutes to write that? What part of ''hammered'' didn't you understand? OK, so am I free to go now? Well, yes, but since you're already here, it would really help us out if you'd take part in an identity parade.
Oh, wow! Hey, sounds fun.
How would you like me to play it? Like I'm cornered? Innocent man? Man who knows too much? I can give you light and shade.
How about you just stand there and do nothing? Hey, you're the director.
No, no, no, no, no.
You want to have a look at that.
It's definitely a couple of inches out.
- Bit of fun, isn't it? - Not really, mate.
I'm only doing it cos I'm getting 20 quid.
You're getting paid? Well, I'm a professional man.
I mean, 20 quid's hardly worth worrying about, is it? Who do you see about payment? Ooh-whoo! Show time! POLICE OFFICER: Number three, - step forward.
- That's my cue.
Hi, there.
Turn to the left.
Number three, step back, and no dancing.
Sorry.
- Number four, step forward.
- Top that.
Number four, step back.
- Number three - I'm out of here.
stay where you are.
The rest of you can go.
What? Wha? What's going on? Oh, no, no, no, come on.
This is insane! I wouldn't mug someone.
I'm a dentist, I can rob people legally.
- You seem agitated, Mr Harper.
- Can we get you a coffee or anything? Oh, that's it, go and get me a coffee.
I know how this works, I know how this works.
You leave the room.
Good cop, bad cop routine.
Leave your colleague here on his own.
He sees I have a ''little accident''.
- Oh, yeah, I know, I know.
- No, I'm just offering you a drink.
I'd love a skinny latte.
Right, Mr Harper, CCTV puts you in the vicinity.
You've been identified by the victim.
This receipt shows you paid cash for 1 2 bottles of red wine shortly after the incident.
That's right, special offer, You'll remain in custody for further questioning.
- How long for? - 24 hours by law.
No, no, no! Come on, please, not this weekend.
- I've finally got rid of my wife.
- Oh? Where is she? - Away.
- Where? Um Um, I don't know.
- You don't know where she is? - No, I know where she is.
- She's, um - Yes? Bit hot in here, isn't it? If I were you, I'd start thinking about a lawyer.
Would you like us to call the duty solicitor for you? I'm a highly respected member of this community, I can find my own lawyer, thank you.
Yes, this is Ben Harper.
I'm at Chiswick Police Sta Hello? Er, yes, I need a lawyer.
Mm-hm, yeah.
Ben Harper.
Hello? Yes, I'm looking for a Yes, it is, it's Ben Harper.
Ben Yes, hello! How are? Hello? Yeah, probably best if you sort me out a lawyer after all.
Thank you.
Er, any chance of another latte? No? Thank you.
What you doing? - What? - This is our cell.
Yeah, this is our cell.
Sorry, sorry.
Um, right, forgive the intrusion.
I think you'd better leave.
I would, but I think they may have locked the door.
Umyeah, it's locked.
Well, then, we've got a problem, haven't we? I might have to let Terry - or, as he's better known, The Hatchet - go to work on you.
I wouldn't do that if I were you.
Because where I come from, people call me The Dentist.
Oh? Why's that? Because I'm a dentist.
I hate dentists! Oh, God.
Don't worry, mate, I'm only messing with you.
- What? - Just havin' a laugh.
I-I knew that.
I knew.
Ah, yeah.
Well, this is great, isn't it? You've got to keep your spirits up when you're doing bird.
Yeah, that's right, but who said you could sit down? Sorry, sorry.
Were you saving this for someone? No, I'm only messing with you, sit down.
- Are you sure? - Sit down! Sitting.
- So what are you in for? - Ermugging.
But, er - I didn't do it.
- Course you didn't.
I got news for you, mate - you're on the inside now, you're one of us.
Mm-hm.
Thank you.
How about yourselves, what are you two in for? No, no, let melet me guess.
Um Probably best if you told me.
Don't worry, you're not in with a couple of killers.
Good.
No, we don't do that any more.
I know, I've got like that as I've got older, you know, let things go.
I mean, I don't play squash any more.
No.
D'you hear about a little jewellery robbery in Bond Street last month? - What? That was you? - Excuse me? Sorry, that was the crime that the police mistakenly accused you of? There you go.
You're getting the hang of it.
- That was a big job.
- Yes, we was very pleased with it.
This is nice.
- (HE COUGHS) - Ah, Mr Wilkinson.
Ah, well? - How's it looking? - Good news.
- Oh, good.
- I've worked out a deal for you.
- Great.
- You've only got to do six months.
What do you mean, six months? But I didn't do it.
Oh, great, one of those.
Hang on, have you actually had time to look at the case, or have you been too busy polluting the atmosphere? Look, Mr Harper, do us both a favour, make a full confession.
It's Friday night, I've got ten cases on the go, a streaming cold, - and my eczema's flaring up.
- Oh, I'm so sorry(!) I wouldn't want my rotting in jail to aggravate your minor skin condition.
I'll give you some time to reconsider.
No! I will not plead guilty to something I didn't do! Fine, but if they convict, it'll be more like a year.
What? And I've got to tell you, Mr Harper, you know, from what I've heard, the chances of your personality going down well with a jury are slim.
Oh, and for your information, eczema is not a minor skin condition.
(DOOR CLOSES) How did it go with your brief? Very bad.
May I? Thank you.
Yep, Wilkinson wants me to plead guilty.
Wilkinson? Ooh, you don't want him.
He's a right doughnut.
Why didn't you just ask us to ring our guy? Terry, give me the mobile.
Mo? How did you manage to get a mobile in here?! Trust me, you don't want to know.
You know, I've always fantasised about being in prison.
Yeah, my own cell, edible food, responsible job in the library.
You wouldn't have time for that.
Man with your looks, you'd be very much in demand.
You really think so? Well, the victim said I looked kind of, you know, 40, 45.
- Oh, yeah, they'll be fighting over you.
- Yeah, you're posh totty.
- Mr Harper, you're free to go.
- What? - All down to your new lawyer.
- Hey! He did some digging around.
Turns out the victim is a patient of yours, which is why she mistakenly identified you.
I'd like to apologise for any inconvenience caused.
Well, thank you, thank you.
And, er, boys, thank you so much for your help.
No worries.
And if there's anything I can ever do for you, don't hesitate.
- It was nice meeting you.
- Yeah, it's been real, Ben.
And as for you, like Nelson Mandela, I bear no ill feeling or rancour to my captors.
You've been here for an hour and 45 minutes.
Do you want to borrow the mobile, ring the kids, let them know you're on your way? I'll pass.
Yes, Mikey.
Ooh, what? Yeah, you go through something like this, mate, you know your life's never going to be the same again.
No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I'm seeing things through different eyes, Michael.
Yep.
Nope, no, I'm a changed man.
Oh, yeah, yeah, no more repeating the same old lifestyle.
No more - (PING) - Ooh, popcorn's ready.
Gotta go.
- (DOORBELL RINGS) - One sec Oh Yeah? Carl.
Terry.
What's the matter? Ain't you pleased to see us? - No.
Yes.
Yes, delighted.
- Ain't you going to, er? Eryeah, of course.
Come in.
Come in.
Lovely to see you.
Lovely Well, er Well, you got out quickly! Well, an opportunity arose suddenly, and we grabbed it with both hands.
- Oh.
- If you get my drift.
Problem is, we've got travel plans, and Terry here's got trouble with his tooth.
- Well, why have you come to see me? - You're a dentist.
Oh, yeah.
Sorry.
Ha, of course! How stupid of me, yes.
Ah, well, come this way, come this way, please.
Through here.
Just, er Come on.
- Come on, get him on the table.
- What for? Well, get him on the table, that's what criminals do, isn't it, - when you're on the run? - It's his tooth.
Sorry, sorry.
Er, right, take a seat, take a seat.
Just relax and, er if you'd like a magazine while you're waiting I don't really have the proper dental equipment here, but I'm sure we can improvise something.
Right, if you'd just like to sit down, relax and, er, this won't take a minute.
- Ow! It hurts.
- Shut up! He ain't half as much of a baby when he gets shot.
Well, technically speaking, one really shouldn't drink after taking Novocaine but, er I must say, the rest of your teeth are in fabulous shape.
I mean, good for you, flossing.
Yes.
I mean, not many criminals floss, I I imagine.
Right, OK, so I bet you want to get a move on, get ahead of the police? No rush.
Very nice place you've got here, Ben.
In fact, we might stay the night, if that's all right with you.
- No, but I thought you had travel plans.
- They can be broken.
Everything can be broken.
What's the matter? You'd prefer it if we left? No, no, no, I'd be delighted, please stay.
Thanks, Ben, cos we wouldn't want to impose.
No, not at all, please, just rel I was just about to sit down and watch a DVD.
- Sounds good.
- Mm-hm.
- Hang on, are these pirate DVDs? - Yeah, yeah.
Hey, these are knock-offs.
I'm disappointed, Ben.
Intellectual copyright is one of the things that separates us from the animals.
Yeah.
Video piracy is destroying scripted entertainment.
Really? I am so sorry.
Right, these are going straight in the bin.
I'm going to throw I'm so sorry.
Really.
Absolutely disgraceful.
- Ben? - Yes? - What we going to do instead? - Um OK, am I, um am I a much-loved East End figure? Yes.
- Am I Barbara Windsor? - No.
(DOORBELL RINGS) - Who's that? - Calm down, - it's one of our associates.
- What? How's that supposed to calm me down?! I've missed you, babe.
Not as much as I missed you.
Come in.
Oh, please don't! This is our new mate, Ben.
You've got a lovely house.
Thank you.
We love this house, we love the area, that's why we moved in, you know, crime-free Not that I don't like crime, I'm a big fan of crime.
- Did you bring the stuff? - Stuff? Why do you think I'm here? What do you mean, stuff? Tea towels, chamois leathers, oven gloves, household detergents, that sort of thing? Nothing that interesting.
Oh, God! Jewel Good, good.
Jewellery, mm-hm.
- Why don't you try one on, Ben? - No, I couldn't.
- Why not? - Not really my style.
What, bit gaudy, bit nouveau riche, bit beneath you? Ooh, that's a nice one.
Good choice.
Let me put it on for you.
There.
Don't it suit him? - Ohvery elegant.
- Tell you what, Ben, you can keep that.
- Oh, no, no, no, I could - It's a gift.
From a friend.
- Because we're friends, ain't we? - Yeah.
In fact, we're more than friends now - we're partnersto the end.
When is the end, exactly? I never thought of sitting this close on the sofa.
Kinda like it! - I'm hungry.
You got any food? - No, er I tell you what, I could get us all a nice takeaway.
Nah, you're all right.
I'd rather have a home-cooked meal.
Really? OK, fine.
So who'd like a sandwich? Yeah, good, OK.
You off somewhere? Herb garden.
Terry strikes me as a fennel man.
Don't worry about that.
OK, let's check the old fridge, shall we? It's a beautiful kitchen.
I bet your wife's made some lovely meals here.
Mmm, you'd think.
I'd love the chance to make a man something special every night when he got in from work.
Funny how some women don't have that instinct at all.
- I love your blender.
- Oh, thank you.
Isn't it wonderful how you can take two ingredients, one sweet and one strong, and at the flick of a switch they blend together and become one.
Well, make sure you put the lid on, cos they'd get all over your T-shirt! I like you, Ben, you're funny.
Really? Good.
- What are you? 40? 45? - Bit high, but you're in that area.
You're handsome, secure, stable.
Yes, well, I know the term ''trophy husband'' gets bandied around, but Oh, dear, this piccalilli jar is giving me the gyp.
- Ooh, there we go.
- I'm going to add ''fit'' to the list, Ben.
I'm surprised you left it out in the first place.
- You smell nice too.
- Oh Oh - What is that? - Raspberries and fear.
- I just can't keep my hands off you.
- I can.
Listen, what would Carl think? - Oh, forget Carl.
- I can't, he's got a scary face.
Oh, Ben, I've been waiting for you my whole life.
It's my whole life I'm worried about.
Oh, Ben, you're so different.
I know, but you think that because you spend your life with gangsters.
- A dentist is bound to seem glamorous.
- Kiss me.
I don't want to get in the way of you and your boyfriend.
- Husband.
- Ohh How long does it take to make a sandwich(?) Coming up! - He doesn't hold a candle to you, Ben.
- No, but he might do.
Get yourself home safe, baby.
I suppose you were the best man at their wedding, were you? I bet you made a cracking speech, with that great sense of humour of yours.
Not crowding you, am I, Terry? No, you're all right.
I don't know what I'd do without that girl.
Yeah, she's your Earth and your moon.
Oh, stop it.
I'll break up, like at the wedding.
You guys still planning on staying the night? Cos if you left now you'd miss the morning traffic I'll get some bedding.
Sleep well, OK? See you in the morning.
Good night.
Good night, Carl.
You going to sit there all night, Terry? Carl and I never sleep at the same time.
- Old habits, you know.
- Oh, yeah.
Wellgood night.
See you in the morning.
Oh, God.
- You took your time.
- What are you doing here?! - I want you.
- No, you don't.
- I'm tired of hanging out with scum.
- I didn't invite you here! You've got the life I want, Ben.
No, you don't, you don't want my life.
It's horrible! Trust me.
How can you say that when you've got this gorgeous house? - That I share with my wife.
- Oh.
I suppose this is hers, then? Yeah, so get it off! No, no, no, keep it on! Keep it on! Look, if Carl finds out, he's going to be hurt terribly.
And then he's going to hurt me terribly.
Stay there.
Ah, they've gone to bed, you can leave now.
Oh, all right.
You know, your wife's a very lucky woman.
- Huh, that's what I keep saying! - (KNOCKING) CARL: Ben, you asleep? - In there, in there, in! - Ooh, you've got an en suite! Shh! - All right, Carl? - Yeah, very comfortable.
Good.
Trouble is I forgot my toothbrush.
Have you got a spare one? No.
I mean, um No.
- Maybe in the en suite? - Definitely not in there.
Well, you're a dentist, you must have a spare toothbrush.
Yeah, I know, but with the economy the way it is, you don't want to tie up your money in toothbrushes.
I'll have a look.
- What's this?! - What? I knew there'd be one somewhere.
Well, that's me, then, I'll see you in the morning.
- You all right, Ben? - Yeah, I'm fine, great, feel great, feel great.
Just a bit tired, you know, long day.
Very emotional roller coaster of a day.
Yeah, I suppose.
One forgets being banged up in a police cell can be unsettling.
And that.
Well, good night.
Sleep tight.
Don't let the old bed bugs bite! Yeah.
- Has he gone? - Yeah.
Oh, Verity, I could kiss you.
- What's stopping you? - Uh, several factors.
Survival instinct, mainly.
- Where did you hide? - Behind the shower curtain.
And knowing he was there and disaster could befall us at any moment has got me all hot and bothered.
Yes, well, a nice brisk walk in the fresh air would do you the world of good, so if you'd just like to get out of that and get these on, please? Forgot the toothpaste.
I told you they wouldn't fit! There's me, trying to wear Verity's bra and knickers, and they don't fit, as I suspected.
Carl, I'm so s This is not what it looks like.
You think cos I'm a criminal I'm stupid? - No, I don't think that at all.
- I know exactly what's going on.
- No, no, nothing's going on.
- Don't lie to me! What are you going to do, Carl? Nothing.
You carry on.
You won't hear a peep.
Oh, Carl! Oh! (BEN EXHALES DEEPLY) Just give me a little minute, OK? To regroup.
Er, justfreshening up! - Ooh, this cologne is just, er - (PHONE RINGS) Hello? Oh, Susan, hello.
Darling, um Yes, long story short, bit of trouble, yeah.
Um, in the bedroom, witha very beautiful woman, yes, and her gangster husband.
Yeah, he's just made a really strange request, and I'm going to need your help.
Or your blessing.
Hello, Susan? Hello? Just brushing my teeth.
Yeah.
Ooh Oh, that feels good.
That feels so good.
Giving every tooth ten seconds of love.
Yeah, won't be long.
Don't start without me! (DOORBELL RINGS) BEN: Ooh! Ooh! Ah, evening! We had a report of suspicious activity at this address.
Really? There he is.
We found this man prowling outside your house.
No, no, this is my house.
My name's Ben Harper.
- Actually, I'm Ben Harper.
- That's my wallet! - Everything all right, dear? - Yes, just some nutter in his underpants.
- Sorry to trouble you, sir.
- No trouble at all.
- Come on, Susan, let's go to bed.
- No, you can't do this! Look, please, look, I am a member of the Neighbourhood Watch scheme! Where did you get that bracelet? OK, I'll come quietly.