Stargate SG-1 s10e06 Episode Script
200
NARRA TOR: Previously on Stargate SG-1.
I'm not just interested in outer space, I'm from outer space.
ANNOUNCER ON TV: Four excellent heroes in an extraordinary new sci-fi series, starring Nick Marlowe as the wry Colonel Danning.
As a matter of fact, it does say "Colonel" on my uniform.
Wormhole X-treme.
It's what I do.
HAMMOND: He sold the idea to the studio.
He obviously got the whole thing from his knowledge of the Stargate Program.
No, if the Air Force didn't want it to happen, they wouldn't have let it go this far.
Come on out.
FURLING: We are the Furlings.
We thought we'd never get to meet you.
We led them straight here.
- Sam! - I thought I could make it work.
The thermodynamic loop is feeding back into the planet's core.
(FURLINGS SPEAKING FURLING LANGUAGE) CARTER: Well, that never happened.
Well, you've got to open big, catch people's attention, make them think the whole thing is going to be jam-packed.
I love jam.
Oh, I get it, it's yet another playful twist on words in your Earth language.
It makes us look stupid.
JACKSON: You realize it's not actually us.
Okay, okay, it makes the characters look stupid.
I mean, do you really think the best way to introduce the heroes of the story is to show them causing a massive catastrophe? That's realistic.
- I don't care.
- Come on.
It'll be fun.
You know, you say that about everything.
Come to think of it, why am I doing this? To make sure that the Air Force is being properly represented and because General O'Neill has requested you specifically.
Of course he did.
Jackson, how often do we get to give notes on a big Hollywood feature script? I believe this is intended to be a television movie.
A fictionalized, albeit slightly ridiculous, version of Stargate Command is an excellent cover for the real thing in the event of a security leak.
Plausible deniability.
I'm sorry, sir, did you say slightly ridiculous? You're doing this.
You have no choice.
Just give the man five minutes.
I'll get you out of this when the time comes.
VALA: I've been looking through this, and there doesn't seem to be any mention of a sexy female alien anywhere.
I'm not even in this.
CARTER: You know, the really unbelievable part is that anyone would consider spending millions of dollars on this thing.
I mean, seriously, all these writers and they couldn't come up with anything better? I don't know, I've been watching a lot of television lately and, apart from one glaring omission, it doesn't seem to be that bad.
Maybe we can make it better.
No, I'm with Sam on this one.
I mean, who makes a movie out of a series that only lasted three episodes? It allegedly performed well on DVD.
No, I'm not using any shots from the series.
It's a movie, not a clip show.
The budget is the budget.
They are a bunch of pencil-pushing, bean-counting idiots.
You tell them if they don't like it, I'm going to take it somewhere else.
You know not to say that last part, right? Yeah, movie, not clip show, is fine.
Yeah, I've got to go.
Yeah.
Your cell coverage is just terrible in here.
How's it going? You done? Well, it certainly seems to be packed full of jam.
I knew I should have given you my first draft.
The producer brought in the other writers.
- I thought you were the producer.
- Yeah, the real one.
Look, just be honest.
I trust you guys.
That's why I'm here.
Just tell me what you think.
MARTIN: Come on, you must have some ideas.
Don't be afraid.
Just pitch them out.
We call it spinning.
Don't worry.
No one's going to judge you.
Okay, for starters, I think you need a strong opening title sequence.
Are you serious? No one does that anymore.
You just throw up the title and get on with it.
(ALARM BLARING) (ALARM BLARING) (SCREAMING) (SCREAMING) Walter! Dial 447.
The only way to stop this is to get the device back to the planet.
(SCREAMING) Look, no offense, but zombies have been done to death.
No pun intended.
Besides, this is science fiction, not horror.
Did I mention the Tel'chak device? 'Cause that's what turned them into zombies.
(MUSICAL CELL PHONE RINGING) Sorry.
Go for Marty.
(WHISPERING) Hey, Charlie.
What's up? It's the studio.
What kind of problem? Just out of curiosity, what was the rest of the team doing while your character was fighting the zombies? - MARTIN: Son of a bitch! - Studio executives, huh? What? No, Charlie, he's a great guy.
He's the only one I trust.
So, what's the problem then? Our lead backed out.
How am I supposed to tell a story without my lead character? Easy.
You just bring in a character to replace him.
What? MARTIN: You guys have to help me.
I mean, how can I keep the main character in the story without actually having the actor who plays him? Well, you could have the other characters refer to him all the time, maybe get him on the phone once in a while.
Yeah, right.
I mean something cool, like face-switching or body-swapping.
As if anyone would believe that.
Come on, you guys must have some real-life experiences I can draw on.
Well, there was that time that Colonel O'Neill was invisible.
So, essentially, what I think happened is that you were bombarded by the particle field being emanated by the cloaking generator.
See, you were in the engine room standing right next to it when the device was turned on.
That would account for the minute traces of radiation we've been picking up from you.
But the good news is, I think I've found a way to reverse the process.
We have to go back to the mothership and get the cloaking generator.
- Sam, who are you talking to? - Colonel O'Neill.
I was just explaining to him how we're going to make him visible again.
No, you're not.
Jack's in Hammond's office.
- I can't believe he did that to me again.
- Yeah.
You know, getting that cloaking generator off that mothership, that's going to be the least of our problems.
Now, getting Jack to help, that's going to be the hard part.
- Oh, don't tell me.
- Yes.
He likes being invisible.
(CAR HORN HONKING) (CAR HORN HONKING) (ENGINE REVVING) And so, by translating this tablet, we should be able to determine the most important thing in the universe.
(O'NEILL SNORING) Everyone just want to poke around, see if you can find him? Sir, are you there? O'NEILL: Nope.
- You cannot remain this way, O'Neill.
- Why not? It gives us an advantage over the Goa'uld.
I can sneak around all I want totally undetected.
I give us the element of surprise.
The bottom line is I can do more for this planet invisible than I ever could as my own sweet, salient self.
I assume I'm staring at you stoically.
- Not buying it, eh? - No.
You are most transparent, O'Neill.
I get it.
Good one.
I can see right through you.
Don't push it.
(GRUNTS) (GROANS) (GRUNTS) O'NEILL: Hello? Hand signals? I'm waving you over.
Okay, I've made the necessary adjustments.
All you have to do now is initiate the sequence.
Okay.
Let's do it.
O'NEILL: Oh, yeah.
This is better.
It might feel like kind of a cheat.
Maybe it's best just not to mention the guy at all.
Yeah, besides, invisibility can be very powerful.
You might not want to open that can of worms.
You don't want your heroes to become too powerful.
Well, you could always invent some negative side-effects.
That's how we talked Colonel O'Neill into becoming visible again.
Okay, that's it, SG-1, you are cleared to leave.
- Thank you.
- MARTIN: They can't leave! They haven't finished reading my script! That's funny, I thought it said "General" on my uniform.
- We owe you one, sir.
- You mean another one.
What are you talking about? I thought you said it was going to be fun.
Not after his zombie idea got shot down.
So, where are you guys all off to? Someplace pretty important, huh? It's just a recon mission, isn't it? "Just" a recon mission? This is no simple recon mission.
This is no less than my 200th trip through the gate.
Really? - You're counting? - You bet.
TEAL'C: I have been reflecting while changing into our gear.
I believe this is far from your 200th mission, Colonel Mitchell.
I didn't say 200th mission.
I said 200th trip through the gate.
That's counting off-world gates, back and forth, pretty much anytime I crossed the event horizon.
Yeah.
This is going to be huge.
The big 200.
(INAUDIBLE) - Fix it.
- Quickly.
- I'm on it.
- Indeed.
Gotta go! We've got 10 seconds before the time dilation field is activated.
If we don't make it through the gate, we'll be stuck here forever! Okay, this could be a problem.
- That was close, huh? - Oh, yeah.
JACKSON: Are you serious? MARTIN: What? How did we escape? - They.
- Fine, they, they, they.
- How did they escape? - Isn't it obvious? Even if the valley wasn't filled with Jaffa, we could never have made it to the gate and dialed out in under 10 seconds.
Good.
See, that's why we're here.
So, what do you think? 30 seconds? Maybe not such a round number.
How about 38? What difference does it make? I mean, it's not like you're going to have an actual ticking clock on the screen.
- That's brilliant! - That's ridiculous.
Trust me, jeopardy plus ticking clock is box office.
It's the E=MC-squared of the entertainment world.
Ask any executive.
Except I think you've replaced jeopardy with certain death.
Oh, come on.
You guys have escaped situations more dire than this before.
- He has a point.
- So show the actual escape.
No, no, no.
You can't give away too much, too early.
It'll step on the ending.
Maybe if my character doesn't say, "This is a problem.
" He could say something like, "This should be easy.
" How many times do I have to tell you? It's not you.
Colonel Danning is based on Colonel O'Neill.
Please tell me you have the gate working again.
We're running another diagnostic, but right now, we're stumped.
The power's getting through to the capacitors, but, for some reason, the charge isn't holding.
That's causing the control crystal to send feedback into the interface and reset the programming code of the base computer's dialing protocol.
Whoa! That was awesome.
Say that again.
No.
Oh.
Everybody, take five.
I've got to get that down before I forget it.
MARTIN: The power getting to the flux capacitor, but feedback is not feeding back into the feedback face.
This is gold! Forget about the techno talk.
No one's really interested in it.
You're an alien, right? Exactly, and I know just what this movie needs.
So how would you know what sci-fi fans from Earth would be interested in? - Aren't you also an alien? - Yeah, but I've been here quite a while.
Right.
Look, I think I know a good story when I hear one.
Don't you want this movie to appeal to a broad range of people? - From Earth.
- I have all kinds of fabulous adventures, none of which have been classified by the Air Force.
- Okay, shoot.
Give me your best one.
- Right.
I was in a stolen cargo ship, on my way home, when a solar flare from a nearby star wreaked havoc with my navigation system and I was forced to crash-land on the nearest planet.
In a bizarre twist of fate, I crashed right on top of the Goa 'uld who ruled that planet, which was fortunate because my ship was too badly damaged to repair and I needed help.
The local villagers were very grateful.
They introduced me to a lovely fair-haired Tok'ra who had been hiding out on the planet.
She told me the legend of a powerful Ascended being who supposedly lived in some distant, far-off mountains through a treacherous forest.
Look, I don't have all day.
Cut to the chase.
All right.
I met up with a number of my friends along the way, and after a dangerous and eventful journey, we finally come face to face with the Ascended being.
What can I do for you? Well, at first I thought I just wanted to go home, but now I've decided I'd quite like to be a part of something.
A regular part, if you catch my drift.
Oh, and these guys have their own issues.
Boys? That's The Wizard of Oz.
- Oh, you've seen that one? - Yeah.
Oh, that's my phone.
Martin Lloyd.
- I didn't hear it ring.
- It's on vibrate.
MARTIN: Yes, go ahead.
I can sing.
- So how's it going? - Not well.
Samantha, 200 is waiting.
Right now, I'm just hoping we haven't done something to permanently damage the gate.
How can something work perfectly fine for 10 years then all of a sudden it doesn't work anymore? I don't know.
Okay, try it now.
We're getting some strange power readings here, Colonel.
- Shut it down.
- It's not responding.
The gate's drawing massive amounts of energy into its capacitors.
Close the blast door and the iris.
I can't shut it down.
Siler, manually cut the power! (SCREAMING) Why does this always happen to me? Sir, we have to evacuate the base! This is General Landry.
I'm declaring a code red emergency.
All personnel, evacuate the base immediately.
(ALARM BLARING) Sir, the capacitors are overloading.
We have to get out of here now.
Hurry.
And that is the end of act two.
- The mountain blows up? - No possible hope for survival.
Cool, huh? I just wrote it based on what's going on with the gate.
I love it when art imitates life.
Hang on.
We're alive in the next scene.
Oh, I just haven't fixed that part yet.
I'm thinking I can back-sell it and say you were beamed out at the last second.
- JACKSON: Beamed out? - Sure.
Why not? - Is that not too convenient? - MARTIN: Not if you hang a lantern on it.
- What's that? - It's a writer's term.
Another character points out how convenient it is.
Dr.
Levant can say, "Well, that was great timing.
" That way the audience knows I intended for it to be convenient, - and we move on.
- Really.
- Okay, where were we? - Scene 24.
Oh, great, one of my favorite scenes.
Go ahead.
(VALA CLEARS THROAT) "Interior Bridge.
VALA: "The crew mans their stations.
" I'm picking up a strange energy anomaly, Colonel.
It appears the singularity is about to explode.
Weapons are at maximum.
Damn it, Captain! Solar flare.
We've got a shockwave heading straight for us.
Can you reverse the polarity? I'll do my best.
Engine room.
Warp speed! MITCHELL: Take us out of here now.
I'm giving it all I've got, Captain, but you're expecting a bloody miracle.
- JACKSON: Hang on, hang on, hang on.
- What? Okay, one, that's Star Trek.
And two, it's ridiculous.
What's wrong with it? - The singularity is about to explode? - Yes.
Everything about that statement is wrong.
How exactly is having weapons at maximum going to help the situation? The audience isn't going to know the difference.
They love weapons at maximum.
Never underestimate your audience.
They're generally sensitive, intelligent people who respond positively to quality entertainment.
TEAL'C: I do not understand why everything in this script must inevitably explode.
MARTIN: Look, you guys may all know how things really work out there in the galaxy, but I know the film business.
Explosions make great trailers.
Simple fact.
More explosions, better trailer.
Simple fact.
More explosions, better trailer.
Better trailer, more viewers.
(MUSICAL CELL PHONE RINGING) Yeah, go for Marty.
Oh, hey, Nora.
What? That's ridiculous.
Tell them to stop panicking.
We're going to sign him.
Don't worry.
I already put in a call to his manager.
We'll get back to you.
Yeah.
Bye.
- So, trouble with Nora? - MARTIN: No.
Nora, she's great.
But since Nick Marlowe is holding out, one of the new junior executives at the network has suggested we re-cast the whole movie with younger, edgier versions of the team.
Can you imagine that? Yo, dawg, what did you do that for? Dude, that hot chick was so totally a Goa'uld! - Duh, I was still gonna tap that.
- You don't appreciate me, do you? I think you're so totally awesome.
That's what I'm talking about.
Yo, Wonderbread, you got that address figured out yet? Chill, T.
I'm, like, translating as fast as I can.
I'm so sick of being treated like some sort of object to be worshiped.
I'm a real person with real feelings.
You know, I don't think Mitchell likes me anymore.
I'm pregnant.
- No.
- Nope.
I need a latte.
How about this one? We were in a cloaked cargo ship on a simple, three-hour reconnaissance mission Gilligan's Island, right? You got that from "Three-hour reconnaissance mission?" Piece of advice.
If you're going to rip something off, think of something a little more obscure.
Oh, okay.
Call me fahrbot, but they're gonna have our mivonks on a platter if we don't starburst the draz out of here.
The cluster's been damaged.
We're not going anywhere.
Oh, dren.
Hezmana! (GROANS) Frell! Son of a hasmot! Yotz! Okay, you got me.
I have no idea what that is.
(MUSICAL CELL PHONE RINGING) Oh, for crying out loud, what now? Oh, give me a break! I just a got a text message from the studio.
The foreign distributor went bankrupt.
They're slashing my budget.
In a text message? This totally screws up the end of act three.
- What happens at the end of act three? - With these cuts, not much.
Act three just ends.
What's so bad about this? - Any idea when we'll be able to go? - Sorry.
We're trying a full reset of the system, sir.
Hey.
If you want this to be more accurate, why don't you just give him your mission files? - They're classified.
- So? Didn't you say that no one on your planet would believe this was all real anyway? Even still, do you know how many mission files there are? MITCHELL: 1,263.
Hopefully 64 by the end of the day.
Actually, it's 1,264 already.
No, it's 63.
Pretty sure.
I've read all the files recently.
Actually, you haven't read 30185.
We can't tell you.
What do you mean you can't tell me? I have the highest security clearance known to mankind.
What is 30185? We were sworn to secrecy.
Well, why even mention it to me if you're not going to tell me what it is? Sorry.
- Can you tell me? - Oh, yeah, we can tell you.
It has to do with the time that the gate sent us back to 1969.
Well, that can't have anything to do with me.
I wasn't born till a year later.
Actually, it was nine months before he was born.
What? You have to remember, it was the '60s.
JACKSON: Come on, you have to have known that Jack's always taken an interest in your life.
Jack O'Neill? Indeed.
CARTER: Do you remember when you were chosen for the 302 program even though you didn't think you should get in? How about when you were chosen for SG-1? - Wait, are you saying that Jack O'Neill is - My daddy? All starting to make sense now, isn't it? Oh, I'm being punked, aren't I? We honestly can't tell you about 30185.
We honestly can't tell you about 30185.
MARTIN: I can't believe it! The whole cast heard Marlowe is holding out for more money, and now they're all joining in.
Where do they think it comes from? How am I supposed to do a movie without any actors? MITCHELL: Carter, correct me if I'm wrong on this, but is it not a fact of parallel dimension physics that each of us exists somewhere in some universe in whatever way, shape, or form we can imagine? Any way, shape, or form we can imagine.
We've seen it for ourselves.
There you go.
Use your imagination.
All right, people.
We created this multi-billion dollar facility under Cheyenne Mountain so that we can use this thing.
Anyone know how? Sir, we thought you knew.
I do know this, we need to put together a team, starting with the most beautiful, battle-ready scientific genius I know, - Captain Doctor Samantha Carter.
- Reporting for duty, sir.
What can you tell us, Captain? Well, at first glance, I suspect the device creates a stable wormhole between superconducting rings that have been placed in fixed positions elsewhere in the galaxy converts matter into energy at the event horizon, once the initial vortex has subsided, of course.
And just because my sex organs are on the inside instead of the outside doesn't mean that I can't handle Provided, of course, that sufficient energy has been channeled to the device and that the correct coordinates have been calculated.
Okay, get to it.
Next, we need a bookworm adventurer who can say "brains" and "guts" in 27 languages.
Dr.
Daniel Jackson.
Why have I been brought here? This is not What is that? The reason you're here, Doctor.
This big ring was discovered in the sands of Egypt, near Giza.
Then I was right.
The pyramids really were landing sites for interplanetary starships that enslaved primitive human populations by posing as their gods.
Well, we found the ring in the sand.
These symbols, they look familiar.
They're like constellations.
Don't you see? Here.
If each symbol represents a specific point in space, then six of them would create a sort of box.
The intersection point between those six points would indicate a destination.
Maybe, just maybe, the seventh marks the starting point.
Is there a monitor that shows these symbols in detail? Over here, Dr.
Jackson.
Wait.
This one seems different.
You found the ring in Egypt.
The pyramid represents Earth.
This symbol has to be the point of origin.
It was under our noses the whole time.
I feel so stupid.
And now what this team needs is a leader, someone who'll laugh in the face of his enemy, even when it's inappropriate.
Colonel Jack O'Neill.
I thought I told you I retired.
I thought you said you were tired.
Well, as a matter of fact, I am a little tired.
There's no time for that now.
You have a mission to lead.
Right! Sergeant? Make it spin.
Spin? Sir, it doesn't spin.
What? It has to spin.
It's round.
Spinning is so much cooler than not spinning.
I'm the General.
I want it to spin.
Now! Yes, sir.
Hey, look at that.
HARRIMAN: Chevron one is lit up.
I wonder what we're going to find on the other side.
Whatever it is, I'll bet it's amazing.
Well, don't get too excited.
It's just a simple recon.
Aren't you the least bit curious about what's out there? Well, I'm just hoping we find some new meat for the team, preferably something bald, mysterious, you know, the warrior type, with lots of, you know, muscles.
Sir, the odds against any alien life forms we encounter looking remotely human are astronomical.
Yeah, well We'll see.
We'll see.
Chevron seven, also lit up.
- Holy - Colonel O'Neill, you have a go.
Godspeed.
Easy for him to say.
Okay.
We're all gonna do this together on three, all right? Okay? Okay.
One, two, three! Dear God in heaven.
(SIGHS) I feel so stupid.
(LAUGHING) Yeah, that'll work.
A whole movie made with puppets.
Hey, I'm just saying MARTIN: Maybe we can have puppet O'Neill jump over a puppet shark on a one-third scale motorcycle.
I don't get it.
Look, you don't know the business like I do.
I don't have any money, so I have to give the actors something else.
- Bigger trailers? - I can't afford that either.
No, I have to give them something that costs me nothing but no actor can refuse.
And what's that? A good ego-stroking.
I have to make them think that I re-wrote the script just for them.
In this draft, there has to be something that makes them want to do this movie even if it's for scale.
You know, we've been trying here.
You're not listening.
I'm talking about a twist, something nobody's expecting.
O'NEILL: You mean something like this? Wow, I don't think anyone will see that coming.
- No, but there'll be spoilers.
- Are you kidding? Lt'll be in the commercial.
ANNOUNCER ON TV: When it comes to fighting crime, there's only one man keeping the streets safe, while keeping it real.
Indeed.
Teal'c, P.
I.
Coming this fall.
I love it.
I'm just not sure if the network (STAMMERING) But I'll pitch it to them next week and we'll see what they think.
(MUSICAL CELL PHONE RINGING) (MUSICAL CELL PHONE RINGING) I have to get that.
We'll talk later.
You got Marty.
So what brings you this way, sir? What, a guy can't just stop by from Malibu to say hi? - Malibu? - Sure.
I was there on business.
Exactly, sir.
You're an Air Force General with enormous responsibilities.
Ostensibly, I just stopped by to see how you were doing with Marty.
Well, truth be known that lately I've been feeling a little What? How do I say it? It's okay to say that you missed us, sir.
No, not that.
- Like you have unfinished business? - Okay.
You need closure, and I have the perfect thing.
We were about to go on a mission to commemorate my 200th trip through the gate.
Really? 200, you say? That's 200 times he's stepped through the gate, sir, not actual missions.
To be honest, I wouldn't mind one last jaunt through the old orifice.
What? We call it that sometimes, don't we? Orifice? Stupid focus groups.
They hate the ending.
I have to think of something new.
They could go fishing.
- Fishing? - Yeah, it'd be the perfect ending.
I mean, after that, anything else would seem pointless.
CARTER: This is great.
I told you.
Yup, it's good to be here.
You weren't there.
So, what's the twist? No fish? No, I need something with more impact, something more Moving.
Everyone loves a wedding.
(ORGAN PLAYING) (SNIFFLING) It's just a summer cold, sir.
- A bit of a wait.
- Indeed.
(CLEARS THROAT) You know, if she doesn't show, people are gonna think that you and I are What? (ALL APPLAUDING) - Nice entrance.
- Sorry, sir.
Carter.
Jack.
Thank you.
KVASIR: Shall we begin? Yeah, right, if I want to torture the audience on purpose.
- The gate is back up and running.
General.
- General.
With permission? But I still don't have my ending.
You keep these kids out of trouble, Jack.
Here's an idea, Hank.
Why don't you come along with us? No, it's all right.
- No, seriously.
- I don't know.
Yeah, come on.
It'll be kind of like a special occasion deal.
- Well, what the hell.
- Yeah, that's it.
Hey, Walter! Come on, we're all going.
I don't have the right outfit.
You look fine! Everything ready? SGs 3 through 18 are waiting, sir.
- The cake? - It's all set.
Balloons, streamers, the works.
All right, let's go check out the mysteries of P2C-106.
Hey, Marty.
Why don't you come with us? Maybe find a little inspiration for the end of your little movie.
MARTIN: I can't.
I just heard from the studio.
The movie's been canceled.
There's some heartbreak.
- That's too bad.
- Not for me.
- That's too bad.
- Not for me.
They decided to renew the series instead! Okay.
Let's move out.
DIRECTOR: And, cut! (BELL RINGING) - Good job, Doug.
- Here, here, here.
- Ocean.
- Thanks.
Well, that wasn't so bad.
DIRECTOR: And that's a cut, everybody.
That is a wrap on the 200th episode! (ALL CHEERING) Nice job, everybody.
So, did you ever think a show like this would go on for 200? Well, sure.
What do you mean, "A show like this"? (MUSICAL CELL PHONE RINGING) Martin Lloyd.
Yeah.
Are you kidding? Hey, everybody.
Guess what? The movie's back on! (ALL CHEERING) Ten seasons, seven Saturn Awards for Best Cable or Syndication Science Fiction Show.
Who would have guessed? I think, first and foremost, it has to do, you know, with the writing.
I mean, obviously we don't take ourselves too seriously.
The writers are really great guys, all of them.
Men, you know.
Yeah, it's a bit of a boys' club.
The real challenge was coming up with a good catch phrase.
"It's what I do.
" "It's what I do.
" That was so, you know, good.
It defined Colonel Danning.
I just don't think they know what they want to do with my character.
I probably should have taken up golf a long time ago.
Just Just kidding.
And I needed something even better to make you forget about the guy that fans loved to watch for the first seven years of the show.
I know he was here for eight, but, you know, a lot of people say he just kind of phoned it in that last season.
Yeah, well, that's ancient history.
We don't talk about that around here.
The fact of the matter is, I don't really even know what happened there.
You know, to me, it never felt like I was leaving the show.
I just needed a little space, a little time, you know? I wanted to get back to my roots.
Theater, right? So I go to New York, do a little Broadway, off-off-Broadway.
Either way, it doesn't matter.
Acting, you know? Acting without having people hurling papier-mâché boulders at you all (BLEEP) Day.
It was great, you know? I like them both.
I like boulders.
I'm fine with that.
This production runs like a well-oiled machine, and, sure, that starts from the top, but, I mean, we all love the show.
The gaffers, the lighting guy, the medic, the makeup and the caterers.
It's like a family.
The writers were trying to come up with a catch phrase.
"I can get behind that," was something we tried for a while.
Anyway, I mean, I'd actually like to do some writing.
Maybe have a baby.
(EX CLAIMS) It just hit me.
Sweet (BLEEPING) And we can get away with that, too, because it's cable.
You can't get there without the fans, right? I have to thank them.
I've got to thank specifically the ones Oh, God, what's it called? SaveDrLevant.
Com.
Have you seen the site? I mean, it's insane.
Apparently they get dozens of hits a month, whatever.
I think that's a lot.
But between them and the ad in Variety that they put out, I'm pretty sure that went a long way towards convincing the producers to take me back.
Have me To invite me back.
It wasn't their decision, you know.
They called, said, "Hey, do you want it?" You know, and I was ready.
What I think really makes this show what it is, is the chemistry with the cast.
(MUSICAL CELL PHONE RINGING) Yeah.
Oh, could you hold on? Stop the tape.
Who does he think he is? Well, you tell that ungrateful little (BLEEP) Bag to shove it up his (BLEEP) Yeah, yeah, let him try to get a job that pays this much.
You weren't rolling, were Okay.
What What was I saying? Oh, yes, the cast.
Holy (BLEEPING) That would be, like, a 19.
That's it? You're good? All right.
Can I get my (BLEEP) sandwich, please? All right.
Hey, thanks, man.
Science fiction is an existential metaphor that allows us to tell stories about the human condition.
Isaac Asimov once said, "Individual science fiction stories may seem "as trivial as ever to the blinder critics and philosophers of today, "but the core of science fiction, its essence, has become crucial "to our salvation, if we are to be saved at all.
"
I'm not just interested in outer space, I'm from outer space.
ANNOUNCER ON TV: Four excellent heroes in an extraordinary new sci-fi series, starring Nick Marlowe as the wry Colonel Danning.
As a matter of fact, it does say "Colonel" on my uniform.
Wormhole X-treme.
It's what I do.
HAMMOND: He sold the idea to the studio.
He obviously got the whole thing from his knowledge of the Stargate Program.
No, if the Air Force didn't want it to happen, they wouldn't have let it go this far.
Come on out.
FURLING: We are the Furlings.
We thought we'd never get to meet you.
We led them straight here.
- Sam! - I thought I could make it work.
The thermodynamic loop is feeding back into the planet's core.
(FURLINGS SPEAKING FURLING LANGUAGE) CARTER: Well, that never happened.
Well, you've got to open big, catch people's attention, make them think the whole thing is going to be jam-packed.
I love jam.
Oh, I get it, it's yet another playful twist on words in your Earth language.
It makes us look stupid.
JACKSON: You realize it's not actually us.
Okay, okay, it makes the characters look stupid.
I mean, do you really think the best way to introduce the heroes of the story is to show them causing a massive catastrophe? That's realistic.
- I don't care.
- Come on.
It'll be fun.
You know, you say that about everything.
Come to think of it, why am I doing this? To make sure that the Air Force is being properly represented and because General O'Neill has requested you specifically.
Of course he did.
Jackson, how often do we get to give notes on a big Hollywood feature script? I believe this is intended to be a television movie.
A fictionalized, albeit slightly ridiculous, version of Stargate Command is an excellent cover for the real thing in the event of a security leak.
Plausible deniability.
I'm sorry, sir, did you say slightly ridiculous? You're doing this.
You have no choice.
Just give the man five minutes.
I'll get you out of this when the time comes.
VALA: I've been looking through this, and there doesn't seem to be any mention of a sexy female alien anywhere.
I'm not even in this.
CARTER: You know, the really unbelievable part is that anyone would consider spending millions of dollars on this thing.
I mean, seriously, all these writers and they couldn't come up with anything better? I don't know, I've been watching a lot of television lately and, apart from one glaring omission, it doesn't seem to be that bad.
Maybe we can make it better.
No, I'm with Sam on this one.
I mean, who makes a movie out of a series that only lasted three episodes? It allegedly performed well on DVD.
No, I'm not using any shots from the series.
It's a movie, not a clip show.
The budget is the budget.
They are a bunch of pencil-pushing, bean-counting idiots.
You tell them if they don't like it, I'm going to take it somewhere else.
You know not to say that last part, right? Yeah, movie, not clip show, is fine.
Yeah, I've got to go.
Yeah.
Your cell coverage is just terrible in here.
How's it going? You done? Well, it certainly seems to be packed full of jam.
I knew I should have given you my first draft.
The producer brought in the other writers.
- I thought you were the producer.
- Yeah, the real one.
Look, just be honest.
I trust you guys.
That's why I'm here.
Just tell me what you think.
MARTIN: Come on, you must have some ideas.
Don't be afraid.
Just pitch them out.
We call it spinning.
Don't worry.
No one's going to judge you.
Okay, for starters, I think you need a strong opening title sequence.
Are you serious? No one does that anymore.
You just throw up the title and get on with it.
(ALARM BLARING) (ALARM BLARING) (SCREAMING) (SCREAMING) Walter! Dial 447.
The only way to stop this is to get the device back to the planet.
(SCREAMING) Look, no offense, but zombies have been done to death.
No pun intended.
Besides, this is science fiction, not horror.
Did I mention the Tel'chak device? 'Cause that's what turned them into zombies.
(MUSICAL CELL PHONE RINGING) Sorry.
Go for Marty.
(WHISPERING) Hey, Charlie.
What's up? It's the studio.
What kind of problem? Just out of curiosity, what was the rest of the team doing while your character was fighting the zombies? - MARTIN: Son of a bitch! - Studio executives, huh? What? No, Charlie, he's a great guy.
He's the only one I trust.
So, what's the problem then? Our lead backed out.
How am I supposed to tell a story without my lead character? Easy.
You just bring in a character to replace him.
What? MARTIN: You guys have to help me.
I mean, how can I keep the main character in the story without actually having the actor who plays him? Well, you could have the other characters refer to him all the time, maybe get him on the phone once in a while.
Yeah, right.
I mean something cool, like face-switching or body-swapping.
As if anyone would believe that.
Come on, you guys must have some real-life experiences I can draw on.
Well, there was that time that Colonel O'Neill was invisible.
So, essentially, what I think happened is that you were bombarded by the particle field being emanated by the cloaking generator.
See, you were in the engine room standing right next to it when the device was turned on.
That would account for the minute traces of radiation we've been picking up from you.
But the good news is, I think I've found a way to reverse the process.
We have to go back to the mothership and get the cloaking generator.
- Sam, who are you talking to? - Colonel O'Neill.
I was just explaining to him how we're going to make him visible again.
No, you're not.
Jack's in Hammond's office.
- I can't believe he did that to me again.
- Yeah.
You know, getting that cloaking generator off that mothership, that's going to be the least of our problems.
Now, getting Jack to help, that's going to be the hard part.
- Oh, don't tell me.
- Yes.
He likes being invisible.
(CAR HORN HONKING) (CAR HORN HONKING) (ENGINE REVVING) And so, by translating this tablet, we should be able to determine the most important thing in the universe.
(O'NEILL SNORING) Everyone just want to poke around, see if you can find him? Sir, are you there? O'NEILL: Nope.
- You cannot remain this way, O'Neill.
- Why not? It gives us an advantage over the Goa'uld.
I can sneak around all I want totally undetected.
I give us the element of surprise.
The bottom line is I can do more for this planet invisible than I ever could as my own sweet, salient self.
I assume I'm staring at you stoically.
- Not buying it, eh? - No.
You are most transparent, O'Neill.
I get it.
Good one.
I can see right through you.
Don't push it.
(GRUNTS) (GROANS) (GRUNTS) O'NEILL: Hello? Hand signals? I'm waving you over.
Okay, I've made the necessary adjustments.
All you have to do now is initiate the sequence.
Okay.
Let's do it.
O'NEILL: Oh, yeah.
This is better.
It might feel like kind of a cheat.
Maybe it's best just not to mention the guy at all.
Yeah, besides, invisibility can be very powerful.
You might not want to open that can of worms.
You don't want your heroes to become too powerful.
Well, you could always invent some negative side-effects.
That's how we talked Colonel O'Neill into becoming visible again.
Okay, that's it, SG-1, you are cleared to leave.
- Thank you.
- MARTIN: They can't leave! They haven't finished reading my script! That's funny, I thought it said "General" on my uniform.
- We owe you one, sir.
- You mean another one.
What are you talking about? I thought you said it was going to be fun.
Not after his zombie idea got shot down.
So, where are you guys all off to? Someplace pretty important, huh? It's just a recon mission, isn't it? "Just" a recon mission? This is no simple recon mission.
This is no less than my 200th trip through the gate.
Really? - You're counting? - You bet.
TEAL'C: I have been reflecting while changing into our gear.
I believe this is far from your 200th mission, Colonel Mitchell.
I didn't say 200th mission.
I said 200th trip through the gate.
That's counting off-world gates, back and forth, pretty much anytime I crossed the event horizon.
Yeah.
This is going to be huge.
The big 200.
(INAUDIBLE) - Fix it.
- Quickly.
- I'm on it.
- Indeed.
Gotta go! We've got 10 seconds before the time dilation field is activated.
If we don't make it through the gate, we'll be stuck here forever! Okay, this could be a problem.
- That was close, huh? - Oh, yeah.
JACKSON: Are you serious? MARTIN: What? How did we escape? - They.
- Fine, they, they, they.
- How did they escape? - Isn't it obvious? Even if the valley wasn't filled with Jaffa, we could never have made it to the gate and dialed out in under 10 seconds.
Good.
See, that's why we're here.
So, what do you think? 30 seconds? Maybe not such a round number.
How about 38? What difference does it make? I mean, it's not like you're going to have an actual ticking clock on the screen.
- That's brilliant! - That's ridiculous.
Trust me, jeopardy plus ticking clock is box office.
It's the E=MC-squared of the entertainment world.
Ask any executive.
Except I think you've replaced jeopardy with certain death.
Oh, come on.
You guys have escaped situations more dire than this before.
- He has a point.
- So show the actual escape.
No, no, no.
You can't give away too much, too early.
It'll step on the ending.
Maybe if my character doesn't say, "This is a problem.
" He could say something like, "This should be easy.
" How many times do I have to tell you? It's not you.
Colonel Danning is based on Colonel O'Neill.
Please tell me you have the gate working again.
We're running another diagnostic, but right now, we're stumped.
The power's getting through to the capacitors, but, for some reason, the charge isn't holding.
That's causing the control crystal to send feedback into the interface and reset the programming code of the base computer's dialing protocol.
Whoa! That was awesome.
Say that again.
No.
Oh.
Everybody, take five.
I've got to get that down before I forget it.
MARTIN: The power getting to the flux capacitor, but feedback is not feeding back into the feedback face.
This is gold! Forget about the techno talk.
No one's really interested in it.
You're an alien, right? Exactly, and I know just what this movie needs.
So how would you know what sci-fi fans from Earth would be interested in? - Aren't you also an alien? - Yeah, but I've been here quite a while.
Right.
Look, I think I know a good story when I hear one.
Don't you want this movie to appeal to a broad range of people? - From Earth.
- I have all kinds of fabulous adventures, none of which have been classified by the Air Force.
- Okay, shoot.
Give me your best one.
- Right.
I was in a stolen cargo ship, on my way home, when a solar flare from a nearby star wreaked havoc with my navigation system and I was forced to crash-land on the nearest planet.
In a bizarre twist of fate, I crashed right on top of the Goa 'uld who ruled that planet, which was fortunate because my ship was too badly damaged to repair and I needed help.
The local villagers were very grateful.
They introduced me to a lovely fair-haired Tok'ra who had been hiding out on the planet.
She told me the legend of a powerful Ascended being who supposedly lived in some distant, far-off mountains through a treacherous forest.
Look, I don't have all day.
Cut to the chase.
All right.
I met up with a number of my friends along the way, and after a dangerous and eventful journey, we finally come face to face with the Ascended being.
What can I do for you? Well, at first I thought I just wanted to go home, but now I've decided I'd quite like to be a part of something.
A regular part, if you catch my drift.
Oh, and these guys have their own issues.
Boys? That's The Wizard of Oz.
- Oh, you've seen that one? - Yeah.
Oh, that's my phone.
Martin Lloyd.
- I didn't hear it ring.
- It's on vibrate.
MARTIN: Yes, go ahead.
I can sing.
- So how's it going? - Not well.
Samantha, 200 is waiting.
Right now, I'm just hoping we haven't done something to permanently damage the gate.
How can something work perfectly fine for 10 years then all of a sudden it doesn't work anymore? I don't know.
Okay, try it now.
We're getting some strange power readings here, Colonel.
- Shut it down.
- It's not responding.
The gate's drawing massive amounts of energy into its capacitors.
Close the blast door and the iris.
I can't shut it down.
Siler, manually cut the power! (SCREAMING) Why does this always happen to me? Sir, we have to evacuate the base! This is General Landry.
I'm declaring a code red emergency.
All personnel, evacuate the base immediately.
(ALARM BLARING) Sir, the capacitors are overloading.
We have to get out of here now.
Hurry.
And that is the end of act two.
- The mountain blows up? - No possible hope for survival.
Cool, huh? I just wrote it based on what's going on with the gate.
I love it when art imitates life.
Hang on.
We're alive in the next scene.
Oh, I just haven't fixed that part yet.
I'm thinking I can back-sell it and say you were beamed out at the last second.
- JACKSON: Beamed out? - Sure.
Why not? - Is that not too convenient? - MARTIN: Not if you hang a lantern on it.
- What's that? - It's a writer's term.
Another character points out how convenient it is.
Dr.
Levant can say, "Well, that was great timing.
" That way the audience knows I intended for it to be convenient, - and we move on.
- Really.
- Okay, where were we? - Scene 24.
Oh, great, one of my favorite scenes.
Go ahead.
(VALA CLEARS THROAT) "Interior Bridge.
VALA: "The crew mans their stations.
" I'm picking up a strange energy anomaly, Colonel.
It appears the singularity is about to explode.
Weapons are at maximum.
Damn it, Captain! Solar flare.
We've got a shockwave heading straight for us.
Can you reverse the polarity? I'll do my best.
Engine room.
Warp speed! MITCHELL: Take us out of here now.
I'm giving it all I've got, Captain, but you're expecting a bloody miracle.
- JACKSON: Hang on, hang on, hang on.
- What? Okay, one, that's Star Trek.
And two, it's ridiculous.
What's wrong with it? - The singularity is about to explode? - Yes.
Everything about that statement is wrong.
How exactly is having weapons at maximum going to help the situation? The audience isn't going to know the difference.
They love weapons at maximum.
Never underestimate your audience.
They're generally sensitive, intelligent people who respond positively to quality entertainment.
TEAL'C: I do not understand why everything in this script must inevitably explode.
MARTIN: Look, you guys may all know how things really work out there in the galaxy, but I know the film business.
Explosions make great trailers.
Simple fact.
More explosions, better trailer.
Simple fact.
More explosions, better trailer.
Better trailer, more viewers.
(MUSICAL CELL PHONE RINGING) Yeah, go for Marty.
Oh, hey, Nora.
What? That's ridiculous.
Tell them to stop panicking.
We're going to sign him.
Don't worry.
I already put in a call to his manager.
We'll get back to you.
Yeah.
Bye.
- So, trouble with Nora? - MARTIN: No.
Nora, she's great.
But since Nick Marlowe is holding out, one of the new junior executives at the network has suggested we re-cast the whole movie with younger, edgier versions of the team.
Can you imagine that? Yo, dawg, what did you do that for? Dude, that hot chick was so totally a Goa'uld! - Duh, I was still gonna tap that.
- You don't appreciate me, do you? I think you're so totally awesome.
That's what I'm talking about.
Yo, Wonderbread, you got that address figured out yet? Chill, T.
I'm, like, translating as fast as I can.
I'm so sick of being treated like some sort of object to be worshiped.
I'm a real person with real feelings.
You know, I don't think Mitchell likes me anymore.
I'm pregnant.
- No.
- Nope.
I need a latte.
How about this one? We were in a cloaked cargo ship on a simple, three-hour reconnaissance mission Gilligan's Island, right? You got that from "Three-hour reconnaissance mission?" Piece of advice.
If you're going to rip something off, think of something a little more obscure.
Oh, okay.
Call me fahrbot, but they're gonna have our mivonks on a platter if we don't starburst the draz out of here.
The cluster's been damaged.
We're not going anywhere.
Oh, dren.
Hezmana! (GROANS) Frell! Son of a hasmot! Yotz! Okay, you got me.
I have no idea what that is.
(MUSICAL CELL PHONE RINGING) Oh, for crying out loud, what now? Oh, give me a break! I just a got a text message from the studio.
The foreign distributor went bankrupt.
They're slashing my budget.
In a text message? This totally screws up the end of act three.
- What happens at the end of act three? - With these cuts, not much.
Act three just ends.
What's so bad about this? - Any idea when we'll be able to go? - Sorry.
We're trying a full reset of the system, sir.
Hey.
If you want this to be more accurate, why don't you just give him your mission files? - They're classified.
- So? Didn't you say that no one on your planet would believe this was all real anyway? Even still, do you know how many mission files there are? MITCHELL: 1,263.
Hopefully 64 by the end of the day.
Actually, it's 1,264 already.
No, it's 63.
Pretty sure.
I've read all the files recently.
Actually, you haven't read 30185.
We can't tell you.
What do you mean you can't tell me? I have the highest security clearance known to mankind.
What is 30185? We were sworn to secrecy.
Well, why even mention it to me if you're not going to tell me what it is? Sorry.
- Can you tell me? - Oh, yeah, we can tell you.
It has to do with the time that the gate sent us back to 1969.
Well, that can't have anything to do with me.
I wasn't born till a year later.
Actually, it was nine months before he was born.
What? You have to remember, it was the '60s.
JACKSON: Come on, you have to have known that Jack's always taken an interest in your life.
Jack O'Neill? Indeed.
CARTER: Do you remember when you were chosen for the 302 program even though you didn't think you should get in? How about when you were chosen for SG-1? - Wait, are you saying that Jack O'Neill is - My daddy? All starting to make sense now, isn't it? Oh, I'm being punked, aren't I? We honestly can't tell you about 30185.
We honestly can't tell you about 30185.
MARTIN: I can't believe it! The whole cast heard Marlowe is holding out for more money, and now they're all joining in.
Where do they think it comes from? How am I supposed to do a movie without any actors? MITCHELL: Carter, correct me if I'm wrong on this, but is it not a fact of parallel dimension physics that each of us exists somewhere in some universe in whatever way, shape, or form we can imagine? Any way, shape, or form we can imagine.
We've seen it for ourselves.
There you go.
Use your imagination.
All right, people.
We created this multi-billion dollar facility under Cheyenne Mountain so that we can use this thing.
Anyone know how? Sir, we thought you knew.
I do know this, we need to put together a team, starting with the most beautiful, battle-ready scientific genius I know, - Captain Doctor Samantha Carter.
- Reporting for duty, sir.
What can you tell us, Captain? Well, at first glance, I suspect the device creates a stable wormhole between superconducting rings that have been placed in fixed positions elsewhere in the galaxy converts matter into energy at the event horizon, once the initial vortex has subsided, of course.
And just because my sex organs are on the inside instead of the outside doesn't mean that I can't handle Provided, of course, that sufficient energy has been channeled to the device and that the correct coordinates have been calculated.
Okay, get to it.
Next, we need a bookworm adventurer who can say "brains" and "guts" in 27 languages.
Dr.
Daniel Jackson.
Why have I been brought here? This is not What is that? The reason you're here, Doctor.
This big ring was discovered in the sands of Egypt, near Giza.
Then I was right.
The pyramids really were landing sites for interplanetary starships that enslaved primitive human populations by posing as their gods.
Well, we found the ring in the sand.
These symbols, they look familiar.
They're like constellations.
Don't you see? Here.
If each symbol represents a specific point in space, then six of them would create a sort of box.
The intersection point between those six points would indicate a destination.
Maybe, just maybe, the seventh marks the starting point.
Is there a monitor that shows these symbols in detail? Over here, Dr.
Jackson.
Wait.
This one seems different.
You found the ring in Egypt.
The pyramid represents Earth.
This symbol has to be the point of origin.
It was under our noses the whole time.
I feel so stupid.
And now what this team needs is a leader, someone who'll laugh in the face of his enemy, even when it's inappropriate.
Colonel Jack O'Neill.
I thought I told you I retired.
I thought you said you were tired.
Well, as a matter of fact, I am a little tired.
There's no time for that now.
You have a mission to lead.
Right! Sergeant? Make it spin.
Spin? Sir, it doesn't spin.
What? It has to spin.
It's round.
Spinning is so much cooler than not spinning.
I'm the General.
I want it to spin.
Now! Yes, sir.
Hey, look at that.
HARRIMAN: Chevron one is lit up.
I wonder what we're going to find on the other side.
Whatever it is, I'll bet it's amazing.
Well, don't get too excited.
It's just a simple recon.
Aren't you the least bit curious about what's out there? Well, I'm just hoping we find some new meat for the team, preferably something bald, mysterious, you know, the warrior type, with lots of, you know, muscles.
Sir, the odds against any alien life forms we encounter looking remotely human are astronomical.
Yeah, well We'll see.
We'll see.
Chevron seven, also lit up.
- Holy - Colonel O'Neill, you have a go.
Godspeed.
Easy for him to say.
Okay.
We're all gonna do this together on three, all right? Okay? Okay.
One, two, three! Dear God in heaven.
(SIGHS) I feel so stupid.
(LAUGHING) Yeah, that'll work.
A whole movie made with puppets.
Hey, I'm just saying MARTIN: Maybe we can have puppet O'Neill jump over a puppet shark on a one-third scale motorcycle.
I don't get it.
Look, you don't know the business like I do.
I don't have any money, so I have to give the actors something else.
- Bigger trailers? - I can't afford that either.
No, I have to give them something that costs me nothing but no actor can refuse.
And what's that? A good ego-stroking.
I have to make them think that I re-wrote the script just for them.
In this draft, there has to be something that makes them want to do this movie even if it's for scale.
You know, we've been trying here.
You're not listening.
I'm talking about a twist, something nobody's expecting.
O'NEILL: You mean something like this? Wow, I don't think anyone will see that coming.
- No, but there'll be spoilers.
- Are you kidding? Lt'll be in the commercial.
ANNOUNCER ON TV: When it comes to fighting crime, there's only one man keeping the streets safe, while keeping it real.
Indeed.
Teal'c, P.
I.
Coming this fall.
I love it.
I'm just not sure if the network (STAMMERING) But I'll pitch it to them next week and we'll see what they think.
(MUSICAL CELL PHONE RINGING) (MUSICAL CELL PHONE RINGING) I have to get that.
We'll talk later.
You got Marty.
So what brings you this way, sir? What, a guy can't just stop by from Malibu to say hi? - Malibu? - Sure.
I was there on business.
Exactly, sir.
You're an Air Force General with enormous responsibilities.
Ostensibly, I just stopped by to see how you were doing with Marty.
Well, truth be known that lately I've been feeling a little What? How do I say it? It's okay to say that you missed us, sir.
No, not that.
- Like you have unfinished business? - Okay.
You need closure, and I have the perfect thing.
We were about to go on a mission to commemorate my 200th trip through the gate.
Really? 200, you say? That's 200 times he's stepped through the gate, sir, not actual missions.
To be honest, I wouldn't mind one last jaunt through the old orifice.
What? We call it that sometimes, don't we? Orifice? Stupid focus groups.
They hate the ending.
I have to think of something new.
They could go fishing.
- Fishing? - Yeah, it'd be the perfect ending.
I mean, after that, anything else would seem pointless.
CARTER: This is great.
I told you.
Yup, it's good to be here.
You weren't there.
So, what's the twist? No fish? No, I need something with more impact, something more Moving.
Everyone loves a wedding.
(ORGAN PLAYING) (SNIFFLING) It's just a summer cold, sir.
- A bit of a wait.
- Indeed.
(CLEARS THROAT) You know, if she doesn't show, people are gonna think that you and I are What? (ALL APPLAUDING) - Nice entrance.
- Sorry, sir.
Carter.
Jack.
Thank you.
KVASIR: Shall we begin? Yeah, right, if I want to torture the audience on purpose.
- The gate is back up and running.
General.
- General.
With permission? But I still don't have my ending.
You keep these kids out of trouble, Jack.
Here's an idea, Hank.
Why don't you come along with us? No, it's all right.
- No, seriously.
- I don't know.
Yeah, come on.
It'll be kind of like a special occasion deal.
- Well, what the hell.
- Yeah, that's it.
Hey, Walter! Come on, we're all going.
I don't have the right outfit.
You look fine! Everything ready? SGs 3 through 18 are waiting, sir.
- The cake? - It's all set.
Balloons, streamers, the works.
All right, let's go check out the mysteries of P2C-106.
Hey, Marty.
Why don't you come with us? Maybe find a little inspiration for the end of your little movie.
MARTIN: I can't.
I just heard from the studio.
The movie's been canceled.
There's some heartbreak.
- That's too bad.
- Not for me.
- That's too bad.
- Not for me.
They decided to renew the series instead! Okay.
Let's move out.
DIRECTOR: And, cut! (BELL RINGING) - Good job, Doug.
- Here, here, here.
- Ocean.
- Thanks.
Well, that wasn't so bad.
DIRECTOR: And that's a cut, everybody.
That is a wrap on the 200th episode! (ALL CHEERING) Nice job, everybody.
So, did you ever think a show like this would go on for 200? Well, sure.
What do you mean, "A show like this"? (MUSICAL CELL PHONE RINGING) Martin Lloyd.
Yeah.
Are you kidding? Hey, everybody.
Guess what? The movie's back on! (ALL CHEERING) Ten seasons, seven Saturn Awards for Best Cable or Syndication Science Fiction Show.
Who would have guessed? I think, first and foremost, it has to do, you know, with the writing.
I mean, obviously we don't take ourselves too seriously.
The writers are really great guys, all of them.
Men, you know.
Yeah, it's a bit of a boys' club.
The real challenge was coming up with a good catch phrase.
"It's what I do.
" "It's what I do.
" That was so, you know, good.
It defined Colonel Danning.
I just don't think they know what they want to do with my character.
I probably should have taken up golf a long time ago.
Just Just kidding.
And I needed something even better to make you forget about the guy that fans loved to watch for the first seven years of the show.
I know he was here for eight, but, you know, a lot of people say he just kind of phoned it in that last season.
Yeah, well, that's ancient history.
We don't talk about that around here.
The fact of the matter is, I don't really even know what happened there.
You know, to me, it never felt like I was leaving the show.
I just needed a little space, a little time, you know? I wanted to get back to my roots.
Theater, right? So I go to New York, do a little Broadway, off-off-Broadway.
Either way, it doesn't matter.
Acting, you know? Acting without having people hurling papier-mâché boulders at you all (BLEEP) Day.
It was great, you know? I like them both.
I like boulders.
I'm fine with that.
This production runs like a well-oiled machine, and, sure, that starts from the top, but, I mean, we all love the show.
The gaffers, the lighting guy, the medic, the makeup and the caterers.
It's like a family.
The writers were trying to come up with a catch phrase.
"I can get behind that," was something we tried for a while.
Anyway, I mean, I'd actually like to do some writing.
Maybe have a baby.
(EX CLAIMS) It just hit me.
Sweet (BLEEPING) And we can get away with that, too, because it's cable.
You can't get there without the fans, right? I have to thank them.
I've got to thank specifically the ones Oh, God, what's it called? SaveDrLevant.
Com.
Have you seen the site? I mean, it's insane.
Apparently they get dozens of hits a month, whatever.
I think that's a lot.
But between them and the ad in Variety that they put out, I'm pretty sure that went a long way towards convincing the producers to take me back.
Have me To invite me back.
It wasn't their decision, you know.
They called, said, "Hey, do you want it?" You know, and I was ready.
What I think really makes this show what it is, is the chemistry with the cast.
(MUSICAL CELL PHONE RINGING) Yeah.
Oh, could you hold on? Stop the tape.
Who does he think he is? Well, you tell that ungrateful little (BLEEP) Bag to shove it up his (BLEEP) Yeah, yeah, let him try to get a job that pays this much.
You weren't rolling, were Okay.
What What was I saying? Oh, yes, the cast.
Holy (BLEEPING) That would be, like, a 19.
That's it? You're good? All right.
Can I get my (BLEEP) sandwich, please? All right.
Hey, thanks, man.
Science fiction is an existential metaphor that allows us to tell stories about the human condition.
Isaac Asimov once said, "Individual science fiction stories may seem "as trivial as ever to the blinder critics and philosophers of today, "but the core of science fiction, its essence, has become crucial "to our salvation, if we are to be saved at all.
"