The Goldbergs s10e06 Episode Script
DKNY
1
[Adult Adam] Back in the '80s,
my family loved Halloween.
The crazy costumes,
the treats, the tricks.
But since we were all older
and had a new baby in the house,
this year was on track
to be more like any other day.
Oh, this Lost Boys movie
is entirely too scary.
I mean, who in their right mind
moves to Northern California?
Okay, let's just focus on the movie.
Blood-sucking
immortal creatures of the night
are hell-bent on hanging out
with high schoolers.
It has flaws.
I would love to be a vampire. Oh!
Staying young with you forever?
[chuckles]
That is every mother's dream!
And I presume every son's.
Yeah. Dreams. We all have 'em.
The Halloween war is on!
I know I shouldn't, but what?
As you know,
the Kremps have placed a
family of skeletons on their lawn
as a direct challenge to us.
I think that's just Ginzy's lame attempt
at a playful holiday decoration.
It is clearly a game of
neighborhood one-ups-man ship.
I will not allow our family
to be out Halloween-ed!
I guess we could string some
lights together, and, uh
Oh, maybe get one of those
giant Hefty bags
shaped like a pumpkin
that you fill with leaves.
So, fun, but you get a chore done.
I'm talking about celebrating the
way Americans are supposed to :
With a front-yard deathscape
that will haunt children's
dreams into adulthood.
My sweet boy wants to take the
neighbors down by outshining them.
[chuckles]
I raised you so well.
I'm your favorite child.
Now, to the street
to see my handiwork in action!
Let the nightmares begin!
[gasps] I love it.
Ginzy's sad skeletons are already
hanging their heads in shame.
- [chuckles]
- Undead JTP!
[all, flatly] Undead JTP.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You are murderous
ice-cream men! Act like it!
I know it's too late to ask this,
but you couldn't have
just done this by yourself?
Yeah, and why aren't you in costume?
We let him pour
raspberry syrup all over us,
and that's the question you're asking?
I gotta admit, this is impressive.
Where did you even get
an ice-cream truck?
Funny story.
The real ice-cream man
is in jail for a reason
too unspeakable to say out loud.
How is that a funny story?
Funny part is I got it at a
police auction for 87 bucks!
I think Andy needs
more blood on his face.
- May I?
- Good call.
Andy, let my mother sauce you.
Oh, no, I don't think
that's something that
Okay. Oh, she's already started.
Yes. Yeah. That's better.
Mama, sauce the rest of them.
- [Beverly] On it.
- O-kay!
- Happy to help!
- I think we got it.
- Uh-huh. Whoa.
- Yep.
Oh, right in the mouth.
I'm twisted up inside ♪
But nonetheless
I feel the need to say ♪
I don't know the future ♪
But the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪
[Adult Adam] It was the day
before Halloween, 1980-something,
and Geoff and Erica were discovering
that they had different
parenting styles.
[bell dings]
Uhp. There's the dinner bell.
Time for Muriel's bottle.
[sleepily] Sha-up! Sleeping mama.
Sorry, my slumbering sweetie.
I'm just really excited to get
a little Q-T with my cutie.
Shut up! I'll kill you.
I'll kill all you.
[Adult Adam] The only problem
for Geoff was
quality time with his daughter
was hard to come by.
Oh, look, it's my
ever-present mother-in-law
who's beaten me to my daughter again.
She was fussy,
so I swooped in to take care of it.
You were seven seconds critically late.
You could have starved because
Daddy doesn't care about you
as much as I do.
Okay, I think that's a tad bit unfair.
And how did you know she was fussy?
Oh, I have a separate
military-grade monitor.
It picks up everything. [chuckles]
Even when a certain someone
is singing "Macho Man" in the shower.
The beat is good to scrub to.
And wait. You're monitoring
our monitoring?
That's what a good granny does:
Parent quality control.
I think we're doing pretty okay.
[chuckling] Oh, silly Geoffrey.
That's because I'm always around.
You can't drop the ball
if I never throw it to you.
But it's not your ball.
Oh, it is because I made
the ball that made this ball.
You know what?
I'm just gonna remove your monitor.
Go ahead. I have many backups.
- Where?
- Nowhere.
Everywhere. [Chuckles]
Just know Big Blonde is always watching.
And you just know
that that's my daughter
and I would like to burp her now.
Ooh. I already started.
And I would hand her over to you,
but I'm doing it perfectly.
- [Muriel burps]
- Oh!
That is the sweet smell of success,
and the milk of your lady
who was fortified by the milk of me.
Legacy milk. I get it.
Maybe you can see her after her nap.
Unless I get there first,
which I will, because,
as we've established,
I am a force to be reckoned with.
[Adult Adam] While Geoff
was feeling down,
my Halloween plans were up in the air.
Hello, neighbor.
Where are you headed
this All Hallows' Eve?
Perhaps to go trick-or-treating
with your becostumed amigos?
You should know
that you are still teensy
enough to get candy without judgment.
And you should know I'm uncomfortable
with you assessing my body.
I hear that more than I should.
And I'm not going out.
I don't have a social life anymore
since all my friends
went off to college.
Oh, goodness!
My burble and chatter
has opened up some deep wounds.
It's fine. I'm just gonna hang here
and eat this entire bowl of Mounds.
Holy coconut delights!
Mounds are a delicious treat,
but only in moderation.
You must really be hurting and lonely.
Okay. Take it easy.
Dave Kim did invite me
to visit him in New York.
But your dance card is painfully empty.
Why didn't you accept?
Oh, no reason.
[softly] New York City
traffic scares me.
I'm sorry. What are you saying?
The traffic is too much for me.
Son, please, play to the back row.
[normal voice] I don't want
to drive alone, okay?
The taxis zip by too fast,
and the pedestrians
just step into the street
with no regard
for the "Don't Walk" sign!
And then they yell,
"Hey! I'm walkin' here!"
The city does bring out the worst in us,
but great news, I can give you a ride.
You're going to New York?
It's the annual Prince
impersonator competition,
- "Prince-o-ween"!
- That can't be right.
I didn't come up with it.
But I'm gonna dominate it.
That's why I'm here.
I'm gonna borrow a pair of
sparkly purple boots from your mom.
She is a generous, big-footed lady.
She can clomp with the best of 'em.
Adam! I need all your money and coins!
I blew through my budget
on fake gravestones
with comedic epitaphs like
"Noah Scape" and "Barry D. Alive."
Fun! It's a reminder that death
comes for us all, but in a silly way.
Bar, why are you doing this again?
To shame our neighbors
and haunt the innocent.
Why do I have to keep explaining this?
Yeah, I'll take that ride, Mr. G.
Huzzah! A companion
on the road to the big city!
Looks like my mix tape
"Jams Just for John"
is gonna break in some new ears!
- I'm now wavering.
- Huzzah!
[Adult Adam] As I was hitting the road,
Geoff was trying not to hit the roof
over my mom's
aggressive grand parenting.
Honey, how long you gonna be?
Until all the hot water is gone.
But I really need to talk to you.
Geoff, this is the first shower
I've had in a week.
I need to wash the spit-up,
barf, and baby yak off my body.
Aren't those the same thing?
Yes. No. Maybe?
Look, I just need to listen to the
sound of the water now, please.
But your mom refuses to give me
a second with Muriel.
Oh, you mean so we can
take quiet showers,
and showers with no talking,
and shower with no
other people in the room?
I get it. She's a huge help,
which is great for you,
but I feel completely
cut out of my child's life.
I don't know what to tell you, homie.
Maybe find some time during
the day when she's not around?
You mean like when your mom's asleep?
Sure!
That seems like an answer
that would send you on your way.
[Adult Adam] And so Geoff
took Erica's dismissive advice
and found a time to be
with his daughter alone:
4:00 a.m.
[Beverly clears throat]
- Gah!
- Looking for someone?
Why are you up at this hour?
I sensed something was wrong.
A grandmother always knows.
That's not an expression.
Muriel's jammies would beg to differ.
Oh, my God. Okay.
No more bedazzling the baby.
And I want to hold her.
Yeah, now's not a good time.
But you're holding her.
Shh! You're upsetting her.
And me. I think it's best you leave.
Oh, I'm gonna leave, all right.
Erica, pack a bag
because tomorrow I'm spending alone time
with our daughter at the beach!
I guess we can discuss it
when you're conscious
and not spread out like a starfish.
How am I supposed to get back in there?
[Adult Adam] As Geoff was
determined to head out of town,
I had arrived in the big city.
Adam! Baby! Welcome to the West Village!
Mwah! Mwah!
Whoa So unexpected and European!
You know it. DKNY is now international.
DKNY? Donna Karan's ready-wear
line for today's smart set?
Yup, and it's kind of my moniker, baby.
Get the hell in here, baby.
You say "baby" an awful lot.
I'm just saying how I feel.
And how I feel is
happy to see you, baby.
- [door closes]
- Whoa! Is your roommate a DJ?
Those turntables are mine.
You know how I like to drop
a funky beat every so often.
Like when you play the French horn?
Oh, my God! Shared history! Hilarious.
Let me introduce you to the gang.
Tamsin, Brett, Fitz,
meet Adam F. Goldberg.
- [smooching]
- Whoa, hey.
Make some room for you.
- [smooching]
- Brett caught some mouth!
- Heh.
- You guys ready to eat?
Nice! What are we thinking? Some pizza?
Classic New York 'za?
[laughter]
I told you he was funny.
We're going to an Ethiopian
place we've grown quite fond of.
Ethiopia?
Sounds familiar,
but my brother threw
my globe at a bird's nest.
It's amazing!
You sit on the floor and you pick up
this special spongy bread
with your hands.
Or we walk across the street
to that novelty hamburger place.
Burger, Comedy and Magic?
Check, check, and check.
[British accent] I don't eat meat.
Oh, my God.
There's, like, nothing left.
Fruits and vegetables.
Oh, just like the mighty
[Australian accent]
koala bear from your country.
Adam, she's not Australian.
She's from the UK.
[normal voice] Sorry.
I have Australia on the brain.
I just re-watched Crocodile Dundee.
Ah, I love Croc Dundee.
Awesome! Looks like me
and Fitz have a lot in common.
I like it ironically, of course.
At best it's an embarrassment
to an entire continent.
Sure. [Chuckles]
That's one way to like it.
What about you, Brett? What do you hate?
Corporate America.
It's exploiting our workforce
all to worship at the altar
of the almighty dollar.
And you took my question
seriously. Oh for three.
Tell you what,
why don't we all change
into our costumes and head out?
Now we're talking! Let's do this!
[Adult Adam] Yep, I wasn't in a
groove with Dave Kim's new friends.
But once we were all
in our Halloween costumes,
I was sure it'd all be smoothed out.
But there was this wrinkle.
Dude, when you said
you were going as Leonardo,
I assumed you meant the Ninja Turtle!
No, I-I'm getting that.
But what I'm not getting,
Dave Kim, is who you're supposed to be.
Leonardo. Da Vinci?
The artist!
We're all dressed as artists.
Kahlo, Picasso, Van Gogh.
Oh. Of course. [Chuckles]
I definitely know those names.
Why don't we just sit
and have a nice meal
and you'll discover how much
you like these people like I do?
Oh!
Aw, damn it! I'm turtling!
Any one, who wants to help me?
[Adult Adam] I had finally
gotten out of my shell,
but was still feeling uncomfortable
around Dave Kim's college friends.
Isn't this food just divine?
My favorite is this brown pile.
Totally unfamiliar to my tongue,
like an odd paste from across the sea.
Oh, that's the buticha.
It's a chickpea dip.
You can either enjoy it on its
own or with the injera bread.
What if I don't enjoy it either way?
It's not your fault, man.
Big agriculture
has been feeding you lies.
You gotta expand your horizons,
put your mouth on the world.
I once had a satay at EPCOT.
Hey, did you guys know
that Adam's a filmmaker?
- Hm.
- Hm.
- Anything indie?
- Oh, yeah!
I did a whole tribute to Indiana Jones.
- Ironically?
- I don't think so.
I made the Ark of the Covenant
with the gold foil
from a thousand Rolos.
So you're part of
the big Hollywood machine
cranking out circuses for the sheep?
Fingers crossed.
You know what I just saw
in the cinema? Mannequin.
Oh, hell yeah!
A well-done fantasy romance?
Yes, please!
At best, it's sexist rubbish.
I thought it was about
an assistant window dresser
who falls in love with a
mannequin who comes to life at night
because of an ancient Egyptian curse.
Exactly.
It's an adolescent male
director's valentine to misogyny.
And with sassy Meshach Taylor
as comic relief.
Dave Kim, tell 'em. You loved it.
It was everything wrong with
humanity in a tight 90 minutes.
What's going on with you?
You love popcorn movies.
I've expanded my horizons.
That's what you do in college.
Oh, like your little DJ setup?
I'll have you know
I'm the most sought-after MC
on the third floor of the
west annex of Hayden dorm.
DKNY is being modest.
He's quite the impresario.
Impresario?
He means DKNY throws the best parties.
I get it. Some classic Fitz irony.
He's serious.
DKNY is a modern-day Gatsby.
What can I say?
I'm the straw that stirs the drink.
- [laughter]
- [glasses clink]
So you're saying you could
throw a party anytime anywhere?
Anyway. Anyhow.
Then what a better time
than this weekend?
I'd love to go to an epic
DKNY Halloween bash.
Unless, of course, you can't
pull it together in time.
Oh, I'll pull it together.
I'll pull it together and cement my
reputation as NYU's
burgeoning bon vivant.
[chanting] Bon vivant!
Bon vivant! Bon vivant!
Stop that! That's not
something people chant!
[Adult Adam] While I was
challenging Dave Kim,
Geoff was facing a challenge of his own.
Isn't this nice?
Oh, you mean spending two
hours packing up baby crap
so that we can sleep
in a musty, empty shore house?
The perfect Halloween.
No ghost, ghouls
or, even more frightening, your mother.
I get it. She's a lot.
But you knew that when
we chose to live with her.
What I didn't know
is that I would never get
a single, solitary moment alone
with my own child.
Well, now you're safe, and I have
no help for the next few days.
Thanks for no sleep
or showers in advance.
Fear not, my skeptical queen.
I'll take care of everything.
[Adult Adam] But there was
one thing he missed.
[gasps] Ohh! Muriel's diaper cream!
Oh, her sweet delicious tushie
is unprotected!
Barry crisis!
The Kremps' skeletons are a bigger hit
than my ice-cream truck!
So you stole them?
What choice did I have?
The truck frightened no one!
In fact, I made a small fortune
selling Bomb Pops and Push-Ups.
Damn my inviting face!
Well, you've always been too handsome.
But I have to go. Where are my keys?
Good news, bad news. Your keys are here,
but all your tires
are on the ice-cream truck.
[inhales deeply]
What the [Bleep] happened?
Four simultaneous flats.
The less you know the better.
Then how am I supposed to
get out to the shore
to save my grandchild's
sensitive cheeks?
- Here.
- Unbelievable.
[Adult Adam] While my mom
was ready to come to the rescue,
Dave Kim's party was on life support.
You know what's great
about no one being here?
Plenty of room to dance.
Sure. Ha ha. But it's still early.
Still early to hit the streets
and trick-or-treat like old times?
DKNY will wait it out.
DKNY? Ugh. Just drop the act already!
You're not an international impresario.
You're just my dorky friend
from Jenkintown.
I was your dorky friend
from Jenkintown. I've changed.
That's what happens
when you go to college.
But you wouldn't know that, would you?
Please! You're just a big fat phony!
[American accent] Hey! Not cool, man!
People are allowed to change.
What happened to your British accent?
Oh, I'm actually from Tucson.
I just thought it would make me
sound more interesting.
And I only recently learned
the definition of irony.
I can admit, I abuse the word.
I know it seems like
I rage against the machine,
but that's only because I'm part of it.
My dad owns 11 White Castles.
Oh, my God! You're all phonies!
There's nothing phony
about a fresh start.
I was excited to share
my new life with you,
but you just want me to be
the same loser from high school.
Congrats, Adam. You won.
[Adult Adam] While I suddenly realized
I had let Dave Kim down as a friend,
it was Geoff's turn to step up as a dad.
Ah. Are you sure you wanna do it all?
I can stay up with you.
- No. I got this.
- Oh, thank God.
Mama's gonna hit the hay.
Get a good night's sleep, sweetie.
[chuckles]
Hello, beautiful!
[chuckles] Finally,
it's just me and you.
[Adult Adam] It was what Geoff
had been dreaming about.
- [fussing]
- It's okay.
It's okay. I'm just changing you.
Until it became a nightmare.
Oh, no! I forgot your boom-boom cream!
Schwartz bottoms
are notoriously chafe-y!
- He tried feeding her.
- So you're not hungry?
You're just angry for no reason?
- [Muriel crying]
- Just like your mama.
Although she does get angry
when she's hungry, also,
but there is that sweet spot
right after her Pop-Tart.
Am I talking too much?
Is that what's making you cry?
I'm gonna cry, too!
And as the hours went by
Damn it. Why can't I think of a lullaby?
For she's a jolly good baby ♪
- For she's a jolly good baby ♪
- [crying]
I'm so exhausted!
[Adult Adam] tired and out of ideas,
Geoff decided to take Muriel
on a late-night stroll.
Ah. Fresh air will solve everything.
Oh, good. Halloween fog.
Really calms a nervous fella.
Eerie ice-cream-truck music plays
Huh.
The haunting lilt of an ice-cream truck.
You know, Muriel,
I'm really glad that
you're not old enough
to realize how frightened I am.
Um
Okay. Well
time to run now.
Give me back my baby, Geoffrey!
[screaming]
Your demon grandma
has come to claim you!
Wait. Muriel? Where are you?
Oh, my God! I'm the worst dad ever!
[laughing evilly]
You have failed, Geoff!
Geoff
- Geoff?
- [Erica] Geoff?
Geoff? Geoff, wake up!
[gasps] Oh, thank God.
I had this horrible dream where
where your mom was
trying to take the baby,
a-and there was ice cream
and a song and Where's Muriel?
- She's right here safe with me.
- [screams]
I'm sorry if my ice-cream truck's
music invaded your dreams.
I brought bagels.
[Adult Adam] Just when I was feeling
bad about my fight with Dave Kim,
I ran into a Prince
that was feeling even worse.
Mr. Glascott? Are you okay?
I'm very not. I came in 17th out of 17.
Sorry to hear that.
There was an Apollonia
and a Vanity that both beat me.
It never said anything about
Prince's muses in the official rules.
These people at Prince-o-ween,
they run a very loose ship.
I think I might have a way to
salvage the night for both of us.
[Adult Adam] That Halloween, I wasn't
the only one trying
to make things right.
Would you like to hold your daughter?
That's okay. Seems like you got it.
Oh, I do got it,
but I realized
I was a tad, teensy-weensy
insanely overzealous
with my grandmothering.
Well, maybe it's for the best
'cause it's pretty clear
I have no idea what I'm doing.
I see. Um, well, I'll tell you a secret.
There was a time in my life
where I didn't know
what I was doing either.
Really?
Sure.
I mean, now I'm calm and poised
and effortlessly beautiful,
but when Erica was a baby, I was a mess.
And look how amazing I turned out.
Well, certainly neither of you
suffer from self-esteem issues.
But what if I screw up?
Oh, you will. A lot.
And it'll be okay.
Muriel is the luckiest baby in the world
to have you two as parents.
She'll teach you everything
you need to know.
And I'm here if you need me.
But this weekend is yours.
[Adult Adam] Sometimes you have to give
people room to be
who they're meant to be,
whether it's a new dad
or a whole new person.
DKNY.
You don't have to call me that.
I'm just a phony, remember?
No. You're not.
You're just finding your way.
And truth is I'm jealous.
It's not so easy to see you in
your new life with your new friends.
Adam, that doesn't change anything.
You'll always be my friend.
And next year, when you're here,
we're gonna have the time of our lives.
Why wait?
[dance music plays]
[indistinct conversations]
[chuckles]
How'd you get all these people here?
I didn't. You did.
Word got out there's a DKNY
party with a very special guest.
What are you talking about?
You got Prince?
It's dark and everyone's
loaded, so let's find out!
"Let's Go Crazy" intro plays
Dearly beloved
we are gathered here today
to celebrate one man named DKNY.
[all cheering]
And if de-elevator tries
to bring you down ♪
Go crazy ♪
Punch a higher floor ♪
If you don't like ♪
The world you're living in ♪
[Adult Adam] Of course,
change can be scary.
Take a look around ♪
At least you got friends ♪
[Adult Adam] But whatever growing
pains you have along the way
For a friendly word ♪
as long as you're surrounded
by the people who know you best,
- Are we gonna let de-elevator ♪
- there's nothing to be afraid of.
Bring us down? ♪
Oh, no, let's go ♪
Go crazy ♪
Ooh! ♪
- I said let's go crazy ♪
- Go crazy ♪
- Let's go ♪
- Let's go ♪
JTP, you have failed me.
[all] JTP. We have failed you?
All I wanted was to win a street war
against my mother's best friend
and dominate the neighborhood
with terror.
I still think this night was a success.
Success? Of course you're unfamiliar
with that word's meaning, Matt Bradley.
You never once tasted its glory.
That seems unnecessarily personal,
but maybe it's a good thing
you made children happy today.
[doorbell rings]
- Trick or treat!
- Trick or treat!
We heard you're the kind, generous man
with the ice-cream truck!
You know what?
I am. [Chuckles]
I guess the true meaning
of Halloween is about giving.
There ya go.
- He learned something.
- Wait for it.
And I'll be giving you
- terror!
- [girls screaming]
This is the last kid
who ate my ice cream!
And you're next! Aah!
[Adult Adam] Back in the '80s,
my family loved Halloween.
The crazy costumes,
the treats, the tricks.
But since we were all older
and had a new baby in the house,
this year was on track
to be more like any other day.
Oh, this Lost Boys movie
is entirely too scary.
I mean, who in their right mind
moves to Northern California?
Okay, let's just focus on the movie.
Blood-sucking
immortal creatures of the night
are hell-bent on hanging out
with high schoolers.
It has flaws.
I would love to be a vampire. Oh!
Staying young with you forever?
[chuckles]
That is every mother's dream!
And I presume every son's.
Yeah. Dreams. We all have 'em.
The Halloween war is on!
I know I shouldn't, but what?
As you know,
the Kremps have placed a
family of skeletons on their lawn
as a direct challenge to us.
I think that's just Ginzy's lame attempt
at a playful holiday decoration.
It is clearly a game of
neighborhood one-ups-man ship.
I will not allow our family
to be out Halloween-ed!
I guess we could string some
lights together, and, uh
Oh, maybe get one of those
giant Hefty bags
shaped like a pumpkin
that you fill with leaves.
So, fun, but you get a chore done.
I'm talking about celebrating the
way Americans are supposed to :
With a front-yard deathscape
that will haunt children's
dreams into adulthood.
My sweet boy wants to take the
neighbors down by outshining them.
[chuckles]
I raised you so well.
I'm your favorite child.
Now, to the street
to see my handiwork in action!
Let the nightmares begin!
[gasps] I love it.
Ginzy's sad skeletons are already
hanging their heads in shame.
- [chuckles]
- Undead JTP!
[all, flatly] Undead JTP.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You are murderous
ice-cream men! Act like it!
I know it's too late to ask this,
but you couldn't have
just done this by yourself?
Yeah, and why aren't you in costume?
We let him pour
raspberry syrup all over us,
and that's the question you're asking?
I gotta admit, this is impressive.
Where did you even get
an ice-cream truck?
Funny story.
The real ice-cream man
is in jail for a reason
too unspeakable to say out loud.
How is that a funny story?
Funny part is I got it at a
police auction for 87 bucks!
I think Andy needs
more blood on his face.
- May I?
- Good call.
Andy, let my mother sauce you.
Oh, no, I don't think
that's something that
Okay. Oh, she's already started.
Yes. Yeah. That's better.
Mama, sauce the rest of them.
- [Beverly] On it.
- O-kay!
- Happy to help!
- I think we got it.
- Uh-huh. Whoa.
- Yep.
Oh, right in the mouth.
I'm twisted up inside ♪
But nonetheless
I feel the need to say ♪
I don't know the future ♪
But the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪
[Adult Adam] It was the day
before Halloween, 1980-something,
and Geoff and Erica were discovering
that they had different
parenting styles.
[bell dings]
Uhp. There's the dinner bell.
Time for Muriel's bottle.
[sleepily] Sha-up! Sleeping mama.
Sorry, my slumbering sweetie.
I'm just really excited to get
a little Q-T with my cutie.
Shut up! I'll kill you.
I'll kill all you.
[Adult Adam] The only problem
for Geoff was
quality time with his daughter
was hard to come by.
Oh, look, it's my
ever-present mother-in-law
who's beaten me to my daughter again.
She was fussy,
so I swooped in to take care of it.
You were seven seconds critically late.
You could have starved because
Daddy doesn't care about you
as much as I do.
Okay, I think that's a tad bit unfair.
And how did you know she was fussy?
Oh, I have a separate
military-grade monitor.
It picks up everything. [chuckles]
Even when a certain someone
is singing "Macho Man" in the shower.
The beat is good to scrub to.
And wait. You're monitoring
our monitoring?
That's what a good granny does:
Parent quality control.
I think we're doing pretty okay.
[chuckling] Oh, silly Geoffrey.
That's because I'm always around.
You can't drop the ball
if I never throw it to you.
But it's not your ball.
Oh, it is because I made
the ball that made this ball.
You know what?
I'm just gonna remove your monitor.
Go ahead. I have many backups.
- Where?
- Nowhere.
Everywhere. [Chuckles]
Just know Big Blonde is always watching.
And you just know
that that's my daughter
and I would like to burp her now.
Ooh. I already started.
And I would hand her over to you,
but I'm doing it perfectly.
- [Muriel burps]
- Oh!
That is the sweet smell of success,
and the milk of your lady
who was fortified by the milk of me.
Legacy milk. I get it.
Maybe you can see her after her nap.
Unless I get there first,
which I will, because,
as we've established,
I am a force to be reckoned with.
[Adult Adam] While Geoff
was feeling down,
my Halloween plans were up in the air.
Hello, neighbor.
Where are you headed
this All Hallows' Eve?
Perhaps to go trick-or-treating
with your becostumed amigos?
You should know
that you are still teensy
enough to get candy without judgment.
And you should know I'm uncomfortable
with you assessing my body.
I hear that more than I should.
And I'm not going out.
I don't have a social life anymore
since all my friends
went off to college.
Oh, goodness!
My burble and chatter
has opened up some deep wounds.
It's fine. I'm just gonna hang here
and eat this entire bowl of Mounds.
Holy coconut delights!
Mounds are a delicious treat,
but only in moderation.
You must really be hurting and lonely.
Okay. Take it easy.
Dave Kim did invite me
to visit him in New York.
But your dance card is painfully empty.
Why didn't you accept?
Oh, no reason.
[softly] New York City
traffic scares me.
I'm sorry. What are you saying?
The traffic is too much for me.
Son, please, play to the back row.
[normal voice] I don't want
to drive alone, okay?
The taxis zip by too fast,
and the pedestrians
just step into the street
with no regard
for the "Don't Walk" sign!
And then they yell,
"Hey! I'm walkin' here!"
The city does bring out the worst in us,
but great news, I can give you a ride.
You're going to New York?
It's the annual Prince
impersonator competition,
- "Prince-o-ween"!
- That can't be right.
I didn't come up with it.
But I'm gonna dominate it.
That's why I'm here.
I'm gonna borrow a pair of
sparkly purple boots from your mom.
She is a generous, big-footed lady.
She can clomp with the best of 'em.
Adam! I need all your money and coins!
I blew through my budget
on fake gravestones
with comedic epitaphs like
"Noah Scape" and "Barry D. Alive."
Fun! It's a reminder that death
comes for us all, but in a silly way.
Bar, why are you doing this again?
To shame our neighbors
and haunt the innocent.
Why do I have to keep explaining this?
Yeah, I'll take that ride, Mr. G.
Huzzah! A companion
on the road to the big city!
Looks like my mix tape
"Jams Just for John"
is gonna break in some new ears!
- I'm now wavering.
- Huzzah!
[Adult Adam] As I was hitting the road,
Geoff was trying not to hit the roof
over my mom's
aggressive grand parenting.
Honey, how long you gonna be?
Until all the hot water is gone.
But I really need to talk to you.
Geoff, this is the first shower
I've had in a week.
I need to wash the spit-up,
barf, and baby yak off my body.
Aren't those the same thing?
Yes. No. Maybe?
Look, I just need to listen to the
sound of the water now, please.
But your mom refuses to give me
a second with Muriel.
Oh, you mean so we can
take quiet showers,
and showers with no talking,
and shower with no
other people in the room?
I get it. She's a huge help,
which is great for you,
but I feel completely
cut out of my child's life.
I don't know what to tell you, homie.
Maybe find some time during
the day when she's not around?
You mean like when your mom's asleep?
Sure!
That seems like an answer
that would send you on your way.
[Adult Adam] And so Geoff
took Erica's dismissive advice
and found a time to be
with his daughter alone:
4:00 a.m.
[Beverly clears throat]
- Gah!
- Looking for someone?
Why are you up at this hour?
I sensed something was wrong.
A grandmother always knows.
That's not an expression.
Muriel's jammies would beg to differ.
Oh, my God. Okay.
No more bedazzling the baby.
And I want to hold her.
Yeah, now's not a good time.
But you're holding her.
Shh! You're upsetting her.
And me. I think it's best you leave.
Oh, I'm gonna leave, all right.
Erica, pack a bag
because tomorrow I'm spending alone time
with our daughter at the beach!
I guess we can discuss it
when you're conscious
and not spread out like a starfish.
How am I supposed to get back in there?
[Adult Adam] As Geoff was
determined to head out of town,
I had arrived in the big city.
Adam! Baby! Welcome to the West Village!
Mwah! Mwah!
Whoa So unexpected and European!
You know it. DKNY is now international.
DKNY? Donna Karan's ready-wear
line for today's smart set?
Yup, and it's kind of my moniker, baby.
Get the hell in here, baby.
You say "baby" an awful lot.
I'm just saying how I feel.
And how I feel is
happy to see you, baby.
- [door closes]
- Whoa! Is your roommate a DJ?
Those turntables are mine.
You know how I like to drop
a funky beat every so often.
Like when you play the French horn?
Oh, my God! Shared history! Hilarious.
Let me introduce you to the gang.
Tamsin, Brett, Fitz,
meet Adam F. Goldberg.
- [smooching]
- Whoa, hey.
Make some room for you.
- [smooching]
- Brett caught some mouth!
- Heh.
- You guys ready to eat?
Nice! What are we thinking? Some pizza?
Classic New York 'za?
[laughter]
I told you he was funny.
We're going to an Ethiopian
place we've grown quite fond of.
Ethiopia?
Sounds familiar,
but my brother threw
my globe at a bird's nest.
It's amazing!
You sit on the floor and you pick up
this special spongy bread
with your hands.
Or we walk across the street
to that novelty hamburger place.
Burger, Comedy and Magic?
Check, check, and check.
[British accent] I don't eat meat.
Oh, my God.
There's, like, nothing left.
Fruits and vegetables.
Oh, just like the mighty
[Australian accent]
koala bear from your country.
Adam, she's not Australian.
She's from the UK.
[normal voice] Sorry.
I have Australia on the brain.
I just re-watched Crocodile Dundee.
Ah, I love Croc Dundee.
Awesome! Looks like me
and Fitz have a lot in common.
I like it ironically, of course.
At best it's an embarrassment
to an entire continent.
Sure. [Chuckles]
That's one way to like it.
What about you, Brett? What do you hate?
Corporate America.
It's exploiting our workforce
all to worship at the altar
of the almighty dollar.
And you took my question
seriously. Oh for three.
Tell you what,
why don't we all change
into our costumes and head out?
Now we're talking! Let's do this!
[Adult Adam] Yep, I wasn't in a
groove with Dave Kim's new friends.
But once we were all
in our Halloween costumes,
I was sure it'd all be smoothed out.
But there was this wrinkle.
Dude, when you said
you were going as Leonardo,
I assumed you meant the Ninja Turtle!
No, I-I'm getting that.
But what I'm not getting,
Dave Kim, is who you're supposed to be.
Leonardo. Da Vinci?
The artist!
We're all dressed as artists.
Kahlo, Picasso, Van Gogh.
Oh. Of course. [Chuckles]
I definitely know those names.
Why don't we just sit
and have a nice meal
and you'll discover how much
you like these people like I do?
Oh!
Aw, damn it! I'm turtling!
Any one, who wants to help me?
[Adult Adam] I had finally
gotten out of my shell,
but was still feeling uncomfortable
around Dave Kim's college friends.
Isn't this food just divine?
My favorite is this brown pile.
Totally unfamiliar to my tongue,
like an odd paste from across the sea.
Oh, that's the buticha.
It's a chickpea dip.
You can either enjoy it on its
own or with the injera bread.
What if I don't enjoy it either way?
It's not your fault, man.
Big agriculture
has been feeding you lies.
You gotta expand your horizons,
put your mouth on the world.
I once had a satay at EPCOT.
Hey, did you guys know
that Adam's a filmmaker?
- Hm.
- Hm.
- Anything indie?
- Oh, yeah!
I did a whole tribute to Indiana Jones.
- Ironically?
- I don't think so.
I made the Ark of the Covenant
with the gold foil
from a thousand Rolos.
So you're part of
the big Hollywood machine
cranking out circuses for the sheep?
Fingers crossed.
You know what I just saw
in the cinema? Mannequin.
Oh, hell yeah!
A well-done fantasy romance?
Yes, please!
At best, it's sexist rubbish.
I thought it was about
an assistant window dresser
who falls in love with a
mannequin who comes to life at night
because of an ancient Egyptian curse.
Exactly.
It's an adolescent male
director's valentine to misogyny.
And with sassy Meshach Taylor
as comic relief.
Dave Kim, tell 'em. You loved it.
It was everything wrong with
humanity in a tight 90 minutes.
What's going on with you?
You love popcorn movies.
I've expanded my horizons.
That's what you do in college.
Oh, like your little DJ setup?
I'll have you know
I'm the most sought-after MC
on the third floor of the
west annex of Hayden dorm.
DKNY is being modest.
He's quite the impresario.
Impresario?
He means DKNY throws the best parties.
I get it. Some classic Fitz irony.
He's serious.
DKNY is a modern-day Gatsby.
What can I say?
I'm the straw that stirs the drink.
- [laughter]
- [glasses clink]
So you're saying you could
throw a party anytime anywhere?
Anyway. Anyhow.
Then what a better time
than this weekend?
I'd love to go to an epic
DKNY Halloween bash.
Unless, of course, you can't
pull it together in time.
Oh, I'll pull it together.
I'll pull it together and cement my
reputation as NYU's
burgeoning bon vivant.
[chanting] Bon vivant!
Bon vivant! Bon vivant!
Stop that! That's not
something people chant!
[Adult Adam] While I was
challenging Dave Kim,
Geoff was facing a challenge of his own.
Isn't this nice?
Oh, you mean spending two
hours packing up baby crap
so that we can sleep
in a musty, empty shore house?
The perfect Halloween.
No ghost, ghouls
or, even more frightening, your mother.
I get it. She's a lot.
But you knew that when
we chose to live with her.
What I didn't know
is that I would never get
a single, solitary moment alone
with my own child.
Well, now you're safe, and I have
no help for the next few days.
Thanks for no sleep
or showers in advance.
Fear not, my skeptical queen.
I'll take care of everything.
[Adult Adam] But there was
one thing he missed.
[gasps] Ohh! Muriel's diaper cream!
Oh, her sweet delicious tushie
is unprotected!
Barry crisis!
The Kremps' skeletons are a bigger hit
than my ice-cream truck!
So you stole them?
What choice did I have?
The truck frightened no one!
In fact, I made a small fortune
selling Bomb Pops and Push-Ups.
Damn my inviting face!
Well, you've always been too handsome.
But I have to go. Where are my keys?
Good news, bad news. Your keys are here,
but all your tires
are on the ice-cream truck.
[inhales deeply]
What the [Bleep] happened?
Four simultaneous flats.
The less you know the better.
Then how am I supposed to
get out to the shore
to save my grandchild's
sensitive cheeks?
- Here.
- Unbelievable.
[Adult Adam] While my mom
was ready to come to the rescue,
Dave Kim's party was on life support.
You know what's great
about no one being here?
Plenty of room to dance.
Sure. Ha ha. But it's still early.
Still early to hit the streets
and trick-or-treat like old times?
DKNY will wait it out.
DKNY? Ugh. Just drop the act already!
You're not an international impresario.
You're just my dorky friend
from Jenkintown.
I was your dorky friend
from Jenkintown. I've changed.
That's what happens
when you go to college.
But you wouldn't know that, would you?
Please! You're just a big fat phony!
[American accent] Hey! Not cool, man!
People are allowed to change.
What happened to your British accent?
Oh, I'm actually from Tucson.
I just thought it would make me
sound more interesting.
And I only recently learned
the definition of irony.
I can admit, I abuse the word.
I know it seems like
I rage against the machine,
but that's only because I'm part of it.
My dad owns 11 White Castles.
Oh, my God! You're all phonies!
There's nothing phony
about a fresh start.
I was excited to share
my new life with you,
but you just want me to be
the same loser from high school.
Congrats, Adam. You won.
[Adult Adam] While I suddenly realized
I had let Dave Kim down as a friend,
it was Geoff's turn to step up as a dad.
Ah. Are you sure you wanna do it all?
I can stay up with you.
- No. I got this.
- Oh, thank God.
Mama's gonna hit the hay.
Get a good night's sleep, sweetie.
[chuckles]
Hello, beautiful!
[chuckles] Finally,
it's just me and you.
[Adult Adam] It was what Geoff
had been dreaming about.
- [fussing]
- It's okay.
It's okay. I'm just changing you.
Until it became a nightmare.
Oh, no! I forgot your boom-boom cream!
Schwartz bottoms
are notoriously chafe-y!
- He tried feeding her.
- So you're not hungry?
You're just angry for no reason?
- [Muriel crying]
- Just like your mama.
Although she does get angry
when she's hungry, also,
but there is that sweet spot
right after her Pop-Tart.
Am I talking too much?
Is that what's making you cry?
I'm gonna cry, too!
And as the hours went by
Damn it. Why can't I think of a lullaby?
For she's a jolly good baby ♪
- For she's a jolly good baby ♪
- [crying]
I'm so exhausted!
[Adult Adam] tired and out of ideas,
Geoff decided to take Muriel
on a late-night stroll.
Ah. Fresh air will solve everything.
Oh, good. Halloween fog.
Really calms a nervous fella.
Eerie ice-cream-truck music plays
Huh.
The haunting lilt of an ice-cream truck.
You know, Muriel,
I'm really glad that
you're not old enough
to realize how frightened I am.
Um
Okay. Well
time to run now.
Give me back my baby, Geoffrey!
[screaming]
Your demon grandma
has come to claim you!
Wait. Muriel? Where are you?
Oh, my God! I'm the worst dad ever!
[laughing evilly]
You have failed, Geoff!
Geoff
- Geoff?
- [Erica] Geoff?
Geoff? Geoff, wake up!
[gasps] Oh, thank God.
I had this horrible dream where
where your mom was
trying to take the baby,
a-and there was ice cream
and a song and Where's Muriel?
- She's right here safe with me.
- [screams]
I'm sorry if my ice-cream truck's
music invaded your dreams.
I brought bagels.
[Adult Adam] Just when I was feeling
bad about my fight with Dave Kim,
I ran into a Prince
that was feeling even worse.
Mr. Glascott? Are you okay?
I'm very not. I came in 17th out of 17.
Sorry to hear that.
There was an Apollonia
and a Vanity that both beat me.
It never said anything about
Prince's muses in the official rules.
These people at Prince-o-ween,
they run a very loose ship.
I think I might have a way to
salvage the night for both of us.
[Adult Adam] That Halloween, I wasn't
the only one trying
to make things right.
Would you like to hold your daughter?
That's okay. Seems like you got it.
Oh, I do got it,
but I realized
I was a tad, teensy-weensy
insanely overzealous
with my grandmothering.
Well, maybe it's for the best
'cause it's pretty clear
I have no idea what I'm doing.
I see. Um, well, I'll tell you a secret.
There was a time in my life
where I didn't know
what I was doing either.
Really?
Sure.
I mean, now I'm calm and poised
and effortlessly beautiful,
but when Erica was a baby, I was a mess.
And look how amazing I turned out.
Well, certainly neither of you
suffer from self-esteem issues.
But what if I screw up?
Oh, you will. A lot.
And it'll be okay.
Muriel is the luckiest baby in the world
to have you two as parents.
She'll teach you everything
you need to know.
And I'm here if you need me.
But this weekend is yours.
[Adult Adam] Sometimes you have to give
people room to be
who they're meant to be,
whether it's a new dad
or a whole new person.
DKNY.
You don't have to call me that.
I'm just a phony, remember?
No. You're not.
You're just finding your way.
And truth is I'm jealous.
It's not so easy to see you in
your new life with your new friends.
Adam, that doesn't change anything.
You'll always be my friend.
And next year, when you're here,
we're gonna have the time of our lives.
Why wait?
[dance music plays]
[indistinct conversations]
[chuckles]
How'd you get all these people here?
I didn't. You did.
Word got out there's a DKNY
party with a very special guest.
What are you talking about?
You got Prince?
It's dark and everyone's
loaded, so let's find out!
"Let's Go Crazy" intro plays
Dearly beloved
we are gathered here today
to celebrate one man named DKNY.
[all cheering]
And if de-elevator tries
to bring you down ♪
Go crazy ♪
Punch a higher floor ♪
If you don't like ♪
The world you're living in ♪
[Adult Adam] Of course,
change can be scary.
Take a look around ♪
At least you got friends ♪
[Adult Adam] But whatever growing
pains you have along the way
For a friendly word ♪
as long as you're surrounded
by the people who know you best,
- Are we gonna let de-elevator ♪
- there's nothing to be afraid of.
Bring us down? ♪
Oh, no, let's go ♪
Go crazy ♪
Ooh! ♪
- I said let's go crazy ♪
- Go crazy ♪
- Let's go ♪
- Let's go ♪
JTP, you have failed me.
[all] JTP. We have failed you?
All I wanted was to win a street war
against my mother's best friend
and dominate the neighborhood
with terror.
I still think this night was a success.
Success? Of course you're unfamiliar
with that word's meaning, Matt Bradley.
You never once tasted its glory.
That seems unnecessarily personal,
but maybe it's a good thing
you made children happy today.
[doorbell rings]
- Trick or treat!
- Trick or treat!
We heard you're the kind, generous man
with the ice-cream truck!
You know what?
I am. [Chuckles]
I guess the true meaning
of Halloween is about giving.
There ya go.
- He learned something.
- Wait for it.
And I'll be giving you
- terror!
- [girls screaming]
This is the last kid
who ate my ice cream!
And you're next! Aah!