Birds of a Feather (1989) s10e07 Episode Script

Thank you.
Thank you! Right, let's do it.
Ah! Morning, shoppers! Hello, madam.
You are aware that Barry Quid is here, making a tour of his empire? Yeah.
I can barely contain my excitement.
Well, make sure you look busy! I am busy! Got to put all these books in a bargain bucket.
Wanna have a look? It's my book! He's selling my book for a quid? No! Two for a quid.
We'll see about this.
Hello, madam.
Let me shake you by the hand.
No.
Happy shopping! Anti-bacterial spray.
They are the salt of the earth but you don't know where they've been, do you? Could I have a word? Yeah.
Barry You do realise that selling this book at a knockdown price will seriously affect the author's royalty payment.
So? Modesty has prevented me from mentioning it until now.
But I am Foxey Cohen.
I can't believe it.
It's true.
Like an onion, I have many layers.
Unwrap me and you don't know what you'll find.
Filth! That's what I find.
As a committed Christian, I'm going to struggle to keep the perpetrator of this smut in my employ.
How dare you?! This is beautifully-crafted erotic fiction! It's mucky! From page one to page 278.
Oh? You read it then? This is going next to the firelighters.
It's only good for burning! You two-faced, pompous jumped up barrow boy! I refuse to work for you a second longer! Well, good riddance! You fallen harlot! Barry! Er, Mr Quid I couldn't help overhearing cos I was listening that a vacancy has just come up on your management team and I was wondering if I could apply.
Really? Yes, well, we're We're very similar, you and I.
I mean, I left school with no qualifications and with just my wits and my faith to survive My faith is very, very important to me.
Plus I've worked on the coalface here! So I can spot all the fiddles.
Shortchanging the customers, nicking the stock.
You've pulled all those strokes, have you? No, my sister, Tracey, told me all about them.
She's the wrong 'un in the family.
The black sheep wandreth off .
.
the Lord sayeth.
And so it is writ.
So can I have the job then? No.
You can have your cards.
I can't employ someone with your criminal connections.
You can't sack me! Ah! Thanks to the miracle of zero-hour contracts, I can sack who I like.
You up for this? I don't know, mate.
I mean, if there's any comebacks They'll bang me on the first plane back to Oz! It'll be fine.
You've just got to make sure the tweet looks legit.
There is one alternative.
Yeah? You let Stubbies go bust.
Oh, Garthy.
You and Marcie don't have to move out.
The restaurant's open now, Mum.
It makes no sense for us to stay here.
We'll just get in your hair.
I like you being in my hair! Stubbies is doing all right, innit? You know how it is, Tracey.
Rome wasn't built in a day.
Rome's a big city.
Stubbies is just a gastric pub.
It's gastro, Mum.
Whatever, but I'm gonna miss you all.
Especially Poppy.
You'll keep in touch? We're only going to Woodford, Mum.
Right, we'd better go.
We open in an hour.
Yeah.
Can't keep our regular customer waiting.
I'll give you a hand, yeah? Love ya.
I love you too.
Mwah.
Look after him, won't you, Marcie? Yeah.
Bye-bye.
Aye-aye, we're off.
All right, darling.
Bye, Marcie.
Laters.
Bye, darling.
That's Garth and Marcie gone.
That should halve the queue to the bathroom in the morning.
There's some people I wouldn't miss.
Why are you two home so early? Well Barry Quid and I had a slight disagreement about company policy.
Tell me later.
I've got something to tell you first.
I'm sorry but I've chucked my job in.
Well, I couldn't stay there any longer.
Robin was making it really difficult.
What did he do? Promoted me, doubled my salary, company car, extra holidays.
What a scumbag.
That's because he wants me to share his office and go to trade fairs with him like his wife used to.
I know we'll miss my money but we'll be all right.
We've still got both your wages coming in.
What? What?! I've had an email from West Ham.
I didn't get that job as Youth Team Coach.
I told you not to say you favoured zonal marking over man-to-man.
At least the Hammers replied.
Most of the jobs we went for didn't have the courtesy to tell us to bugger off.
Well, once you get to 50, you become invisible.
You?! If they can't see you, they'll certainly hear you! It's ageism.
It's the tool that management uses to grind down the workers.
Just how many faces do you have, Sharon? You were angling to get my manager's job before I'd even cleaned out my locker! Oh, that's her all over.
Once she's skint, she goes all socialist worker.
As soon as she's got a few bob, she's downing vodka shots and partying like Kim Kardashian.
My fingers have gone numb.
Either I've had a stroke or the heating's gone off.
I'm economising.
And no electricity until Travis gets back! Are things really that bad, Trace? We've got an house full of people, no wages coming in for the last fortnight.
You work it out! I've even had to cancel our Zumba classes an' all.
Oh I was really looking forward to them! And we're gonna have to cut down on toilet roll.
Someone's going through it like it grows on trees! If you won't buy quilted, then I insist on doubling up! And we have to have more toothpaste.
You need a vice to squeeze any more out of that tube.
I thought you put your teeth in a glass? Just cut the end off it and squeeze it out the bottom.
Oh, hadn't thought of that! Thank you, Tracey.
So it's not true? What? You can teach an old dog new tricks! Oh, cheer up, you two.
Sitting there with faces like constipated pitbulls.
Do you know where I was this time last year? Lounging on a veranda in Florida.
A successful novelist.
Oh, if I close my eyes, I can still taste the mint julep.
That's what we need! A holiday?! Got more chance of Boris Johnson combing his hair! No! A drink! I mean, we ain't got that mint julep stuff but if we squeeze a bit of toothpaste into some vodka, it'll taste exactly the same! Oh! It's me! It's me! Truth or dare? Er dare! What can we get her to do this time, Dor? I'm not suggesting anything.
Watching her eat that mothball turned my stomach.
Well, truth then.
What do you really think of Dorian? We got anything to eat, Trace? That mothball hardly touched the sides.
I think there might be a bit of cheese.
There's chops in the fridge! They're for Travis.
Why does he get special treatment? Because he's just a kid.
- It's not his fault that we're broke.
- I'm home! And I don't want him knowing how bad things are, all right? All right, love? Have a good day? It's freezing in here.
Think so? We hadn't noticed! I've been thinking, Mum I'm gonna cancel my school ski trip.
Why? Well, we can't afford it.
Who says we can't? You're all here with your dressing gowns on and the heating off.
It's cos I'm draining the system.
Last week, I saw Aunty Shal eating pizza out the food recycling.
She always does that after a couple of cans.
Look, we'll be fine, I promise.
OK.
If you say so.
I'm going out, I won't be long.
Where're you going? Round Mike's.
Got to learn some chat-up lines for the chalet maids.
Ich liebe dich! Why not just tell him the truth? You mollycoddle that boy! No, I don't! Name me another mum who sits on her kid's bog every morning to warm the seat up for him! Only in the winter! Why not just tell Garth what's happening and maybe he could help you? No, cos he's struggling with his business.
You don't rely on your kids, they rely on you.
That's what being a parent's all about.
You wouldn't know.
Either of you.
Red card, Tracey! You know I always wanted kids.
And so did I! Once.
You?! I'm not entirely devoid of maternal feelings, you know! The year I was thinking of trying for a baby, Jean Paul Gaultier brought out his leather corselette.
No contest! The year I was thinking about having a kid I found out that Chris was having it off with some old dog up the flats.
Mind you, I did manage to freeze some of my eggs.
Then Tracey went and defrosted the freezer! What?! Do you know how much those clinics charge for storage? I need another drink.
No ice! Vodka's all gone.
We have got some choices though.
We have got Special Brew Oh, my favourite! .
.
or this half bottle of sherry.
What year is it? No, I meant the sherry.
Drinking cheap sherry in the middle of the day! Huddling under a duvet for warmth! How have I come to this? Nothing new for you two.
It's imprinted in your DNA.
You stuck-up cow.
I'm merely stating facts.
Unlike you, I am an achiever.
I have a degree, a best-selling novel under my belt.
Oh, come off it.
You just banged your way round the world and wrote about it! I'm getting fed up with you looking down your nose at us! You'd be sleeping in a doorway if I hadn't took you in, you ungrateful mare! I paid you rent! Not for the past fortnight, you ain't! And that book you're so proud of is why you're in this trouble.
It's why you got sued, it's why you lost your job.
I resigned on a point of principle.
You lost your job because your boss liked to call you by his ex-wife's name.
Well, big deal! You could have humoured him! Oh, you might go out with a bloke just for what you could get out of him but the only difference between you and some old tart on the street is that you're so old, you forget to charge for it! You are very quick to take the moral high ground, aren't you, Tracey? Conveniently forgetting that for half your adult life, you were the kept woman of a career criminal! How dare you? I'm gonna kill you! Darryl wanted for nothing.
Look at you! At least I don't have to dress like a geriatric pole-dancer to get a man to take an interest in me.
Look at you! Nose, nails, knockers.
I bet none of it's real.
You look just like Russell Brand in a wind tunnel! I do not have to stay here to listen to this! Yes, you do, cos I ain't finished with you yet! Come here, you! Oh, my God.
It's Harry Hill! Give me back my hair! No.
Not so superior now, are you? Standing there like a billiard ball on a stick.
Do you wanna borrow our tea cosy, Dor? Oh, you think this is really funny, do you? No, Dor.
It's hilarious! You know, you never fooled me.
I always knew you wore a syrup.
That's where you're wrong! It's only been the last six months.
Although I will admit my hair has become a little bit thin.
Like Greece is a little bit skint? I demand you give me back my hair! Not till you apologise! I am the one due an apology! I was a victim of common assault and it doesn't get any more common than when you're involved! Right, you sarky slaphead! That's it! Where are you going? What are you doing? Where is she taking my hair? Well, I don't think it's for a wash and blow-dry, Dor.
Where's my hair? In the bin.
And not the dry bin either.
In with the food recycling.
Do you know how much that cost? It's made from the hair of Hindu pilgrims on the banks of the Ganges! I don't care if it's made from Brad Pitt's short and curlies! You ain't having it back! You all right, Dor? Fine.
Where's she going? Good riddance! I feel a bit sorry for her, Trace.
She looks like a really sad boiled egg.
You've got a spare? Fortunately, they were doing two for one at Wig City.
Never could resist a bargain! But I shall be billing you for the other one! Yeah, well, good luck with that! Right, listen, I just think we should all calm down.
I'm not saying anything.
I'm down to my last wig.
Trace? I can't calm down.
I'm still fuming with her.
And I'm starving.
That always makes me irritable.
I'm gonna order a takeaway.
You can't! You ain't got no money! Well, that's where you're wrong.
I've got 50 quid hidden away for emergencies.
Yeah, but you don't wanna break into that.
I mean, things ain't that bad.
We got chops in the fridge! I told you - they're Travis'.
Right, I want you to both close your eyes.
I don't want you seeing my hiding place.
In the freezer, three drawers down in a bag of frozen peas.
You found it? Found it.
Borrowed it.
Took it down the pub.
You nicked my money? No, I didn't nick it.
I just borrowed it.
I've borrowed it lots of times.
When? When I'm short, at the end of the month.
And then when I get paid, I put it back! But you got sacked! Well, I didn't know that, did I? You Moron! Cretin! Imbecile! I've got dozens more.
And you're irresponsible! I am not irresponsible.
I'm just unlucky.
You're irresponsible.
I bet you haven't even signed on either.
I don't have to.
I never sign off.
That's illegal! That's like saying bunking your train fare's illegal.
It is! Look, politicians have their expenses.
Bankers have their bonuses and I fiddle the dole a bit.
Everyone's got an angle.
You must have been getting Jobseekers' Allowance and all.
What's happened to that? I invested it.
I'm guessing it wasn't blue-chip government securities? Scratchcards.
Unbelievable.
I bet you didn't win either.
I did! I won 20 quid! Well, where is it then? I re-invested it.
Useless! I can't believe it.
You're so greedy and irrespon- I just thought if I could win us some money, it would solve all our problems! I was one diamond short of 25,000! What she said about you is right.
You're a waster.
You've never done anything useful in your life! So you're turning on me now, are you? And what have you done useful in your life, Tracey Stubbs? Eh? Where's your Nobel bleeding Prize? My sons.
They're my achievement.
Having kids ain't an achievement.
It's a biological function.
Any idiot can manage that.
Well, you haven't managed it.
Well, you made sure of that when you defrosted the freezer! How come you're not a regular fixture on Jeremy Kyle? Don't you have a go at her! I'm allowed to.
I'm her sister.
Oh, the Cockney Mafia closes ranks yet again.
It's called loyalty.
I've always looked out for her.
God knows I've had to.
What's that supposed to mean? Are you saying I can't wipe my own jacksie unless you supervise it? Well, I'd say it was a two man job.
Who asked you? What's going on? I can hear you down the end of the road.
She threw my hair in the bin! Look, you're acting like little kids.
Yeah, well, she started it.
No, you started it! Excuse me! Sorry, love.
You should be ashamed of yourselves.
Is that why none of you have been answering your mobiles? Me and Garth have been ringing you.
None of our phones are working.
Your mother won't let us charge them up! What's wrong with Garthy? Nothing.
He just needs to see you now.
Oh, my God! Calm down, Trace.
Don't mean it's anything bad.
Well, of course it's something bad.
I can feel it in my water.
Phone him.
Tell him Mummy's coming.
Can't see him anywhere.
Oh, I know what's happened.
He's been working so hard, he's collapsed and now he's in a coma! I thought you said this place wasn't doing all that well.
This is what 50% off day at New Look is like I mean, not that I'd know.
It's doing brilliant, innit? Like a holding pen for TOWIE.
Oh, at last! Oh, Garthy! I've been so worried about you.
It's me who ought to be worried.
Travis has been telling me how hard things are back at home.
Oh, no, love.
We're fine, aren't we? No, we ain't.
I had a mothball for lunch.
There's a grand in there.
Where'd you get that from? Robbed a bank.
Ha! I'm joking! Look! I wanted you to see how well we're doing.
Means I can give you the first instalment on that loan you gave us.
You lent him money? I borrowed him a bit off my mortgage.
And when were you gonna tell me about it? Never.
It's none of your business.
Nice.
David Beckham gave us a five-star review on Twitter and now we're trending.
David Beckham's been here? No But he don't know that.
I've got a very smart little brother, who is going on his ski trip, by the way.
Cheers, mate.
Love you.
Aw.
Oi, Garth! There's some guy at the bar reckons we owe him a free meal.
It's Golden Balls! David Beckham spoke to me.
No.
He said if you don't leave me alone, I'll call the police.
Yeah, well, he still spoke to me.
Garthy's done brilliant, hasn't he? He's so grown up.
He said if we're short on money again, we can do some waitressing.
Not while there are buses I can throw myself under.
When are you gonna get your nose out of the air? Come on! It's all water under the wig now.
Come on, you two.
Kiss and make up.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Say it nicely! Sorry, Dor.
Sorry, Tracey.
That's more like it.
I'm gonna get Travis' chops on.
Sharon! Where's his chops gone? I'm gonna kill you!