It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s10e07 Episode Script

Happy New Year 2016 - New Year, New Color ;-) A tragic ferry accident today.
Apparently a ferry rammed into the shoreline at full speed near a local power plant there.
There are multiple fatalities and injuries reported at this hour.
That's really depressing.
And how do you lose control of a ferry? They're slow as shit.
- Guy must've been drunk.
- Yeah.
Hey-yo! Check out my new threads.
Picked them up at the airport.
- What were you doing at the airport? - Just farting around.
- I found this shop full of this stuff.
Look at that! - Hoo! I got some for everybody.
"Life is happy"? What the hell is that? Well, it's clothing that supports a positive message.
I mean, you wear it, and you celebrate that life is happy, baby.
In other news, a man is in custody for murder of a state witness who was brutally beheaded by an assailant wielding a stop sign.
A man seeking justice is beheaded by a maniac with a stop sign.
- You're right, Frank.
Life is happy.
- The suspect in custody is a 59-year-old repeat felon by the name of Luther McDonald.
Holy shit! That's my dad! If convicted, McDonald could face the death penalty.
Can you believe what they're saying about my dad having killed that guy? - Mmm - Yeah.
Yeah, why wouldn't I believe that? No way.
This has gotta be bullshit.
He's innocent.
I'm not gonna let the state kill him.
I'm gonna save my dad's life.
Thanks for coming.
You're forcing me.
- Yeah, well - I'm here.
Of course.
We gotta show support for my dad, right? Gotta let him know that we know he didn't do it.
- I know, but I believe that he did, so - Well - Are you gonna be cool? - I'll be cool.
As long as he doesn't ask us to shove heroin up our ass again - I'll be cool.
- He might, and I might do it.
You would enjoy it.
Here he comes.
Oh, here he comes.
Oh, Dad! He looks great, huh? Dad! Dad! Hey! How are you? It's been so long! I brought a picture of Mom here just to make you feel more at home.
She looks good, right? - And, uh, what about me? How do I look? Do I look cool? - Give it a rest.
- Do I look cool? - What do you want? We just wanted to come by and tell you that we believe that there is no way that you did this.
You didn't do it, right, Dad? No.
Right.
I knew it! I knew it.
Another innocent man being railroaded by the system.
Besides, there's no way that you could've done this.
You have a bad shoulder, and that's why you could never have a catch with me, remember? - Right.
- Yeah.
Charlie and I want to let you know that we will not rest until you are proven innocent.
Look, I got a lawyer appointed to me.
It'll be fine.
Uh, sorry.
Mr.
Mac, you really don't want to put your life in the hands of a public defender.
I mean, those guys are absolute clowns.
I tell you what.
I'd be interested to take a look at your case you know, if you want a little outside help.
I specialize in bird law mostly, but I know my way Stay out of this! Both of you! I do not want you stirring things up! You hear me? Yeah, I-I-I hear you, Dad.
One last thing though.
I love you.
And I Oh, I love you! I love you, Dad! - I love you! He can't hear me 'cause of this - He definitely heard you.
- The glass is too thick.
- His ear was on the I think there's something wrong with that.
- Yeah.
Sure.
- All right.
We're now being told the ferry captain was intentionally trying to steer the ferry into the nearby power plant.
The captain has tested negative for alcohol and drugs.
The guy wasn't even drunk.
This was a sober man purposely steering a ship into a power plant.
God, the world is a very depressing place.
You guys are depressing.
I'm trying to enjoy my cone over here.
- Turn that crap off! - Yeah, baby! There they are! The usual suspects.
Pondy! Just the man I want to see.
Now this man loves life.
I'd love to get into some shots.
Line 'em up, Frankie.
Line them up! Now we got some positive vibes in here.
You are his AA sponsor, right? Never change, Dee.
I love it.
Come on.
Do a shot with me.
Shot! Shot! I feel like a shot might make me feel better.
- I think I need a shot at this point.
- All right.
- Let's go, Frank.
All right.
- To the brim! You're looking pretty dapper there, Bill.
You hittin' it hard, or what? - I'm celebrating today, baby.
- What's the special occasion? I'm gonna kill myself.
- What? - Yeah, no, no.
I'm gonna drink myself to death.
Yeah, I botched it.
Life, you know? Old B.
P.
Had a good run though, you know? It's like there's this tiny, little soul man in my body driving me around.
That little soul man's ready to power old Bill down and move on to the next party monster.
Oh, come on.
You guys own a bar.
You watch people slowly kill themselves every day, am I right? Keep it open.
Charlie, this is a huge waste of time.
No, no, no, no.
This is standard procedure.
They do this on every crime show.
You know, the murder police come down to the scene of the crime.
They find some blue-collar guy, and they talk to him while he's working.
Let's just talk to this guy over here.
He could know something, right? - Why would he know anything? - He's moving crates from one place to Will you just listen to me? All right? Excuse me, sir.
Do you work here? - Yeah.
- Please, don't stop your work.
They never do on TV.
Go ahead and place that bag down.
Uh, now, are you familiar with the beheading that took place here last week? - Are you a cop? - No.
But I do work on the behalf of the accused.
I'm taking care of his interests and whatnot.
This is his son, uh, Ronald.
- You're Luther's kid? - Yeah.
That's right, bozo.
I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make sure he doesn't get the death penalty.
- Is that a threat? - Why don't you tell us what you saw? - I didn't see either of those guys.
- There was more than one guy? I said too much.
I don't want any trouble.
Then stop giving us trouble, and tell us if there was another guy.
- My lips are sealed.
- Then unseal them, or I'll unseal them for you! Hey, hey! What the hell are you doing? You can't threaten this guy.
- I wasn't threatening him.
- How do you not know what a threat sounds like? - Oh, you mean the lips thing? - Yes, the lips thing.
He's got words in his lips.
I needed to get them out.
I know the words are in his lips.
I saw them in there.
- Just let me coax them out.
- Okay.
Otherwise you're gonna freak the guy out.
Let me handle it.
Sir, your lips are fine.
I Great.
- That happens to us way too much.
- Yeah.
I don't really care that much about Bill.
I just don't want him dying in the bar.
- We've had too many deaths there.
- We should try not to have another one.
- Let's cut it off.
- We gotta show Pondy life is worth living.
Right.
Not really excited about Maureen being a part of this, but, yeah, we'll do it.
Ah.
Wh - Hello, Dennis.
- Oh, God.
Maureen, what's going on with your face? What have you done? I've had a few surgical procedures to enhance my natural beauty.
You look like a cat.
Yes, exactly.
Cats are beautiful.
- Where are your breasts? - Oh, they're in my face.
Great.
I don't really have time for this shit so have you gathered Bill's family for us? Me-yes.
You kids remember Uncle Dennis? He came to talk to us about something important.
Go ahead, baby.
- Yeah, uh - Are you two getting back together? - Oh, no.
- I think so.
- Mmm, no, never.
- Uh, okay.
Um, listen, you guys.
Your dad He needs your help right now.
He's in a pretty tough spot.
I don't call him "Dad.
" I call him Mr.
Cocksucker, 'cause he sucks so many cocks.
Weird.
Uh I'm not going to call him that, okay? - I'll just refer to him as "Bill," I guess, from now - Yeah.
Okay, so, listen.
Here's the thing.
- He is in our bar right now drinking himself to death.
- Oh, that's fantastic.
What? No, that's not fantastic.
The man's trying to kill himself.
- If he dies, we get money.
- When I get my money, I want to buy a new cell phone.
- I'm gonna buy a gun, because I'm the man of the house.
- Oh, shit, no.
- This kid should not have a No, no.
Please.
- No.
We're trying to show Bill that life is worth living.
- Your dad loves you.
- No, he doesn't.
- Oh.
Yeah.
- Has he not said it? - Because I'm telling you, he just - He does.
No.
He told me.
He said, "I do not love you.
You're a punk.
" He called me too fat to be a slut and tried to serve me an omelet with cocaine in it.
Listen, guys.
This is about forgiving Bill, your dad.
- Okay? It's not about blaming him.
- No.
I blame you too.
You and the other hookers he slept with.
- Hold on.
I'm not a hooker.
I never have been.
- Well - You're a hooker.
- You're a fat slut! Oh.
Oh, okay, all right.
Hey, hey, hey.
And you you ruined his sister with the divorce, and look at her face.
- She looks like a cat! - Cats are magical.
I kind of like it.
I mean, maybe you could get some fur.
- Oh, I like that idea.
- What are you talk No! - Think you could do a tail? - Don't see why I couldn't do a tail.
- D-Don't.
No.
- You could go full cat and start wearing humans on your sweatshirt.
No one is turning themselves into a goddamn cat with my money! Can we focus here? Let-Let's Let's get back to showing Bill that life is happy.
Bill's a lying, cheating, drug-addict piece of garbage, and we all hope he dies.
Yeah.
Hey, Dad.
Hey, um, so I-I I know you told us to stay out of it but but we found out that there was another guy.
Also, we got a stop sign and re-created the murder and there's no way you could have swung that.
I jacked my shoulder up a bit too.
Do you realize what you've done? Yeah.
No.
I told him, Mr.
Mac.
I said, "Hey! Stealing a stop sign, that's a felony.
" And as your counsel, I did advise against it.
I'm talking about you going to the crime scene.
Word's out my son is intimidating witnesses.
Now that makes me look like I'm guilty.
- Oh.
- Oh, yeah.
- Your dad'd be a good lawyer.
- His idea.
But the point is, we found out that this other guy exists.
All we need to do is get his name, and I can rat on him.
Do not be a rat! Stop trying to handle it or I am going to have to handle you.
Okay? Okay, Daddy.
Oh.
- I love you, Dad.
- Let it go.
Let it go.
- It's just I thought maybe - Yeah.
- It's not broken.
- No.
- Yeah, it's working fine, isn't it? - No, it works.
- He seemed a little upset.
- All right, plan "B" here.
- Tsk, tsk, tsk.
- I got an idea.
Why don't we check the guest record, right, because maybe that guy came to visit my dad? - Oh, the other guy signed in? - Yes.
Uh, that's a good point.
Luther McDonald visited by Bonnie Kelly holy shit! - Well, that's the same name as my mom.
- It is your mom.
Nah.
I'm sure there's plenty of Bonnie Kellys.
They probably all sign their name with those weird, squiggly lines and Cursive? Are-Are you talking about cursive, dude? Uh, "cursing"? Cursive.
Everybody can under Okay, look, doesn't matter.
We have to figure out why she came to visit my dad.
And why is she signing my mom's name? Goddamn it.
Goddamn it.
- Hey! - Bill, we want to talk to you.
Hey, you guys see this? There was another ferry that ran into the power plant.
Copycat crime.
- Hilarious, right? - No! No.
There are black and white areas in life, Bill, and that's a black area.
Look, turn it off.
We want to focus on the positive in life now, Pondy.
- Which is why we're all wearing these ill-fitting T-shirts.
- Yeah.
- We wanna show you some reasons why life is worth living.
- Yeah.
And, Dennis, you're up.
- Okay, so I like a good mani-pedi.
- Oh.
Yeah, I like a good, healthy nail.
I love one.
You know, you get your nail beds clean.
- Get your cuticles pushed back.
- Oh, yeah.
- Get your hangnails all trimmed up - That's great.
- By one of those nice ladies over there.
- A lot of those are sex workers.
Yeah, the gals at the nail salon They're prostitutes.
They're trafficked in, usually in shipping containers.
They're, like, crammed in there, you know, like sardines shipped with sardines sometimes.
- Oh.
- It's ugly.
But the point is those ladies doing your nails probably tugged a guy off right before you.
- They ship 'em in in shipping containers? - Yeah.
That's depressing as hell.
- Goddamn! - All right.
- Dee.
You.
You're up, yeah.
- Me? Yeah! Hey, Bill, you know, for me, uh really it's just the simple things that I like in my life like a moonlight walk or a cozy, warm nap.
Or a delicious, ripe piece of fruit, you know? - Oh.
- Mmm.
You know, sex workers use fruit during the act.
- What? - Yeah.
Yeah, well, citrus masks the taste of a dirty penis.
In fact orifice before it reaches the market.
Okay.
Okay.
I'm done.
- He's ruined fruit for me, so I'm done.
- You made fruit depressing.
All right, well, I got this.
Okay.
All right, what makes me happy is, like, you know at night, a ride around town in a limousine, partying, having a good time.
When I'm on my way home, I'll pass a bum.
I take a balloon with some champagne in it, lob it out and bean him.
He only gets a little in his mouth.
Doesn't get the whole thing.
- Right.
- Not even a full sip of it.
And you say "Hey, how do you like a taste of the good life, you sack of shit?" God.
That is awful! - That is a horrible thing to do to another human being! - Goddamn you! Get over here, Frank.
Get over here.
- Okay, that's it.
I'm done.
- Well This is depressing as shit.
I'm not doing this anymore.
In fact, I'm starting to think that his family was right.
You guys, what if we took out a life insurance policy on the guy? If he's gonna do it anyway, we might as well make money off of it.
- Hmm, that's dark.
- Yeah, I know.
But can you take a life insurance policy out on anybody? - Does it work that way? - Mmm, it's a gray area.
But I think I got a guy, I could twist his arm, we can get one.
I say we embrace the gray area of life, okay, because what we're doing is not working.
What, the state can murder somebody without them even wanting to die but a grown man can't kill himself if he wants to? - A man should be able to end his life - He's a grown American man.
- We're American.
- Ah, to hell with him.
We tried.
I give up.
Great, great.
Glad you're on our side.
- You're a terrible sponsor, by the way.
- Yeah.
Okay, so why were you visiting Luther, Mom? - I went to go - She don't know nothin' about nothin'.
Look, we know there was another guy in on this, all right? So, come on.
Anything you can give us.
He was staying here for a few months.
He was here for a few months? Mom, why wouldn't you tell me that? Well, was he here on the night of the murder? Uh, no.
Mom, don't lie, okay? - Okay, yes.
- Quiet, Bonnie.
- No, no.
- Mom, if you know something, you gotta tell me.
I can't lie to my Charlie.
- Good! Tell me everything.
- Okay.
They were both here.
They were both inside me.
Eduardo was in my mouth, and Luther was in my butt.
Oh, my God, no.
Don't tell me everything.
What? No! What? Damn it, Bonnie.
- Eduardo who? - Sanchez.
Holy shit.
Tell us more.
Then Luther went in Eduardo's butt for a while.
Tell us less.
Tell us less.
Then they both "completed" on each other.
I was left out of the finale.
And then Eduardo went out and then he killed somebody, and then Well, that's all I know.
Jesus goddamn Christ, Mom.
If you know that, just say that.
Don't tell me the whole thing about banging every guy that comes in the house.
If you know about the murder, just say the murder part! - Oh, my God! - Oh, my God.
This is crazy.
You guys know what this means? That my father was trying to establish dominance.
That's the reason he was in his butt - What Why are you focused on that? - It's about power.
- We have our guy now.
- I feel we should make that known - that it's about power.
- Let's not make any of it known.
- We gotta go to the police.
- Don't be a rat.
All right, look, Mrs.
Mac.
We're not gonna rat, all right? We're gonna figure something else out.
Good? Okay, you're off words again.
Great.
And, Mom, don't bang every guy that comes into the house.
How 'bout that? Okay, I won't, sweetie.
Okay.
It is my gift to you.
This is This is great.
Thank you.
Guys, guys, guys.
We've had a major break in my dad's case.
- What's Ponderosa doing here? - Oh, he's gonna drink himself to death.
- So we took out a life insurance policy on him.
- Oh, cool, yeah.
- Pretty dark though, right? - We've been over this.
- Don't worry.
We're okay.
- We've justified this.
Move past it.
Fair enough.
Turns out Mac's dad didn't kill the guy.
No, there was another man in on this.
It's gonna look bad if I rat on this man, Eduardo Sanchez, so I can't say his name.
- Uh - You just did.
You just ratted him out.
You said his name.
By the way, another guy being there doesn't mean your dad didn't do it.
- He might've done it with the other guy.
- Oh, no, uh - my dad established dominance over this man.
- Well, let's not get into that.
- What does that mean? - What's this? There was some weird prison sex going on.
He may have been a power bottom.
Bottom line, he talked his lover into doing the murder.
- Not his lover, his prison bitch.
- Oh.
Hey, what if I confess? Hmm? What? Yeah, I could take my own life while saving your dad's.
Everybody wins! Well, yeah, except everyone would think that you decapitated a man with a stop sign.
Ooh, even better! Oh, that'll really embarrass the wife.
I like where this is going, but I gotta bring something up here.
Um, if you were to do that And I don't want to be crass or, you know - but how would that affect the - Yeah.
- We still get the money.
- Yeah? - I bought the most expensive policy I could.
- Great.
- Let's go confess, baby! - Yeah.
I can't I'm sorry.
I just I don't get how it's dominant if they finished on each other.
- How's that dominant? - It's not.
It's dominant because he finished first.
Then he allowed Eduardo to finish.
- You're making that up.
- Oh, there's Bill.
- Here we go.
- Hey.
Well, I did it.
I confessed.
Why aren't you in handcuffs then? Weirdest thing I'm sitting in the interrogation room you know, sobering up a little, looking at myself in the two-way mirror and I kept reading this shirt.
Yeah.
Yeah, I started thinking, "You know what? Life is happy.
I want to live!" Then what did you confess about? Eduardo Sanchez.
That guy you were talking about? Turns out he's some big gang member they've been after for years.
Yeah, your dad's innocent.
Holy shit, my dad's gonna get off.
That means I'm a hero! I did it! - Dad Dad, we did it.
- We did it.
Yeah, we did it! They're gonna nail this Eduardo Sanchez guy, and you're gonna walk free.
- I saved you.
- Saved me? - Yeah.
- You buried me.
Now everyone in here thinks I'm a rat.
They're gonna kill me in here.
Because of you.
I'm-I'm sorry.
I still love you.
I don't.
Well, he definitely heard you.
- Snitch! - You know, he can he can hear you.
He didn't mean that though.
He was just upset.
Happy New Year 2016 - New Year, New Color ;-)