Not Going Out (2006) s10e07 Episode Script
Christmas Special 2019
1 # We're not going out # Not staying in # Just hanging around With my head in a spin # But there is no need to scream and shout # We're not going out We are not going out.
OK.
That's great.
Thank you.
Bye.
Hang on, I'll just check.
I've got Father Christmas on the phone.
He wants to know which list I should put you on.
Nice? Naughty? Barnardo's? You promised to get an inflatable Santa for the front garden.
And you didn't.
Well, Daddy tried his best, but the shops were sold out.
Well, fear not, family, because I've just been on the phone to Toys R Here.
They had one inflatable Santa left in stock and I've just bought it! KIDS: Hooray! Aw, well done.
You stay with the kids, I'll go and collect it.
Thanks, Mummy! Oh, hang on.
I promised those little beautiful faces that I would get them an inflatable Santa, and that is what I will do.
I've got loads of last-minute Christmas cards to deliver.
Well, I can do that.
It'll mean talking to some of the mums from the playground.
All right, we'll both go.
Ask your mum and dad to look after the kids for an hour.
They'll be free.
How do you know? Trust me, anyone who writes "Buy Soft Mints" on a calendar hasn't got a lot on.
KNOCKING What do you think? Amazing.
I wouldn't have recognised you, Geoffrey.
Gap having their end-of-season sale, are they? I meant what I said on the phone, Lucy.
One hour, absolute tops.
The golf club Christmas Eve fancy dress lunch is the biggest social event of the year and I don't want to be late.
Can you guess who Grandad is supposed to be? Have you ever seen the film A Christmas Carol? Oh, you're thingy! Bob what's-his-name.
Marley! That's right, Lee.
I'm the noted Dickensian character, Bob Marley.
It's Cratchit.
Oh, don't be hard on yourself, Geoffrey.
You've done your best.
One hour.
Max.
You should be wearing those trousers lower down on your bum, Geoffrey.
Get with it.
Did you get it? One inflatable Santa.
Last one in the shop.
Think of their little faces when they see it.
I'm thinking of your little face after you've spent three hours blowing it up.
You go red blowing on your cocoa.
Santa inflates himself, actually.
Ugh.
There's an image.
If I could do that, it would be Christmas every day.
Did you manage to deliver all your cards? Just about.
Leaving it a bit late this year, weren't you? Yeah, imagine leaving things so last-minute, hey? It's not really my thing.
Well, maybe it's not for you.
Maybe I'm having an affair with another woman.
Well, you won't be after you give her that.
I like this one.
Maybe I should look away for a few minutes? If you like.
Can I borrow your credit card? Where's yours? Sorry, I left my phone and wallet at home.
Didn't you need ID to collect Santa? No, luckily, the shop just needed my name, first line of address and a heavy dose of swearing.
Am I supposed to wrap it for you too? There's no point me wrapping it.
You know what it is.
Where's the bag gone? What? I just put my stuff in your shopping bag and it's gone.
My purse and phone! Santa! Stop! Stop! Thief! Not him! Him! ALARM BLEEPS Come on! Where are you going? We're going after them! We're not Starsky and Hutch! OK, I'm wrong.
Get in! We can't get out of the car park, the ticket's in my purse! Do you think I'm going to let a plastic barrier stop me from getting my children their Santa Claus back? TYRES SCREECH Hello? I'm so sorry to trouble you, but we appear to have misplaced our ticket.
Would you be ever so kind and let us out, please? You tell 'em, Starsky.
This is stupid.
We can just cancel my credit cards and phone and buy another Santa! Everywhere's sold out.
It'd be easier staying up all night with a net and catching the real one.
All right, we'll find a phone box, call the police and tell them their registration number.
CE88 YKH.
I'll easily remember that.
No chance.
CE - Christmas Eve.
We don't need the police.
88 - the number of times I told you to sort out that bloody inflatable Santa.
Nobody steals Father Christmas on my watch.
YKH - "You knobhead!" By the time the police are involved, that Santa will be halfway across Europe with its serial number changed.
What do you think they'll do with it? Sell it as a cut-and-shut with the bottom half of the Easter Bunny? And even if we do catch up with them, then what? They might attack us.
They'll soon back off when they see who they're dealing with.
I'm talking about you.
Where the hell are they? I said an hour, max.
The Golf Club will be serving the starters, you know.
Have you tried phoning Lucy? Well, of course I have.
No answer.
What about Lee? Yes.
The stupid idiot's left his phone here.
Any more questions? Yes.
Why are you dressed as the Cat in the Hat? It's obviously genetic.
Where the hell are we? I don't know.
We're certainly not in Kansas any more.
That was Dorothy's line.
Shouldn't you be the scarecrow? You know, the one who didn't have I got it.
They're pulling in.
Do you think they live here? Of course they don't live here.
They're not voles.
So why are they stopping? Christmas Eve 88, you knobhead! Christmas Eve 88, you knobhead! Christmas Eve 88, you All right! I think he went behind that bush over there.
Be careful, Lee.
Don't worry, I'm not scared.
Boo! Agh! You following me? No.
We always come here on Christmas Eve.
It's where we met.
We were dogging.
I know you're following me.
That's why I led you here instead of to my place.
Didn't want you knowing where I lived, did I? Look, we don't want any trouble.
Oh, don't worry.
No trouble.
I've seen the error of my ways.
So how about this? I give you your stuff back and we agree to forget about the whole thing? You had me at boo.
Where's my purse and phone? Oh, my mate's still got them in his car.
I thought you'd seen the error of your ways? The error of my ways was not getting away before you saw me.
I'm still a thief.
I've just got no use for that.
Don't worry, Lee, we've got his mate's reg number.
Yes, we have.
CE88 YDH.
YKH.
It's knobhead, not dickhead.
Ah! Oh, no, they won't trace that back to us.
No, it's stolen.
Yeah, that's what we do, you see - steal cars.
It's amazing how easy it is, actually.
Especially when people leave the keys in the ignition.
At least I got Santa back for the kids.
And how do you propose we're going to get it to them with no phone, no credit card, no money and no car? There's a phone box! Well, I hope Superman's in there.
Urgh! Oh, God.
You're not blaming me for that as well, are you? Take your jacket off and carefully put it on the ground.
Yeah, well, I'd like to be a gentleman, but I'd need to be Pavarotti to cover that up.
BULL BELLOWS AND SNORTS A cow.
So? A cow with horns.
Do you know what a cow with horns is called? A horny cow? A bull.
BULL MOOS Oh.
They charge at red things.
Take it off! He's still staring at me.
Did I miss something? Is it International Bull Provocation Day? Just act natural.
Like we're going for a walk in the middle of nowhere.
What do you mean, "like"? THEY SCREAM BULL BELLOWS SCREAMING CONTINUES Well, there was definitely no sixpence in that Christmas pudding.
Still no answer.
Where the hell have they got to? KNOCKING At last! Why are you dressed as Willy Wonka? I'm Bob Cratchit! We're supposed to be at a fancy dress lunch.
Fairy Godmother, Wendy? How did you guess? Want to make a wish, Frank? OK.
No, it's not come true.
You're still wearing it.
Good God.
I've just popped a present round for the kids for tomorrow.
See you later.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
No.
Don't be silly, Frank.
It's Christmas.
Take a seat.
I think there's a good James Bond film on.
Have a mince pie, Frank.
At least one of your five-a-day there.
Come on, Wendy, we're leaving.
We just might catch the dessert at this rate.
We can't leave the children with Frank.
Why the hell not? Yes, why the hell not? Because that wasn't the arrangement.
Lucy asked us to watch the kids, and that's what we're going to do.
Now, sit down! No point in you hanging around too, Frank.
No, no.
I like a bit of Bond.
Plus I might have a Christmas game of Subbuteo with the kids after that.
Why not? You're only little, you could play up front.
Yeah, that's our car registration number, and the stolen one they were driving was CE88 YKH.
KH as in .
.
Kilo, Hotel? What type of car were they driving? Er It was big and blue.
Big and blue? Well, what was it, then? It was .
.
medium and turquoise.
Medium and turquoise, apparently.
AIR HISSES You bloody idiot! Not you, you've been very helpful! It's my husband, he's blown up Santa! Don't worry, not the real one.
OK.
Thank you so much.
Bye.
I don't know how to deflate it.
Don't worry, Santa, he's like this with me.
Just say you're not in the mood, he'll soon crawl off.
I need some change so I can phone home and get Dad to pick us up.
I haven't got any.
He's got it.
Haven't you got any? I don't know if you're following this story, but my purse just got stolen.
The thief? The car chase? Ring any Christmas bells? You'll just have to reverse the charges.
OK.
How do I do that? This is like watching old people trying to send an e-mail.
I'll try dialling 100.
Hang on, what's our landline number? I don't know.
I've just got it as "Home" on my mobile.
Who are you? ET? Reverse the charges to my mobile.
That's at home.
OK.
What's your mobile number? I don't know.
I thought you'd know it.
How can you not know your own mobile number? Well, I never need to ring it, do I? Come on, this is a phone box, not the Crystal Maze.
We can do this.
Between us, we must know at least one phone number of someone we know.
01 .
.
811 .
.
8055.
Who's that? Oh, no, that's Noel Edmonds Multicoloured Swap Shop.
Hello, Noel.
I'm phoning from the future.
I'd like to swap an eight-foot inflatable Santa, please.
What do I want in return? Oh, not much, just a shovel and a shotgun.
Dial 999 again.
I'm not phoning the emergency services for something like this.
We'll just have to borrow someone's smartphone, Google a local minicab firm and pay for it when we get home.
Oh, right.
And which one of this heaving throng of people shall we ask? Him! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Please! You have to help me! LEE GROANS BULL BELLOWS Is this man bothering you? Massively, but that's not why I need your help.
He's my husband.
Oh, I'm sorry, yeah? That's all right.
It happens quite a lot.
I've clearly got one of those faces.
May I borrow your phone? We need to call a cab.
Of course.
Oh, sorry, there is no signal out here.
What about your CB? CB? Ten-four, good buddy? Rubber duck? Looks like we've got ourselves a blue light special, Mama Bear? Do you speak English? Yes.
Do you? Well, this is great.
Well done.
It's not my fault he can't get a signal.
No, but it's your fault for insisting we go to Toys R Here in the first place.
It's your fault we made my parents babysit.
And it's your fault we went on a vigilante mission to rescue an eight-foot inflatable bloody Santa! And it's your fault for For what? I don't know.
But if anything else happens, it's your fault.
Did you say Toys R Here? This is my next stop.
What? I have deliveries for the Boxing Day sales.
But that's really near our house! And there's a taxi rank right outside! Then you must come on board.
I will take you.
Oh, this is great! Oh, er, sorry.
No room for Santa, I'm afraid.
No Santa, no me.
Fine with me.
Good luck hitching with that inflatable bag of wind.
And yes, I'm talking to Santa.
It's OK, I put him in back.
MUSIC: Merry Xmas Everybody by Slade # So here it is, Merry Xmas # Everybody's having fun # Look to the future now It's only just begun.
MUSIC: Fairytale of New York by The Pogues feat.
Kirsty MacColl This is very good of you.
I am going this way anyway.
Not just the lift.
I mean humouring my husband.
HE SCOFFS It is Christmas.
It's good to make people happy, huh? He's got a DVD player back here and everything! Can I have a go of the horn? Of course.
HORN BLARES This is the best day of my life! I don't suppose I could have a drive, could I? It is not allowed, I'm afraid.
But you will have a Christmas drink with me.
Some vodka and Red Bull, yes? HE LAUGHS It is just joke! I scare you when I say vodka! You scared me when you said bull.
There's coffee, of course.
I'm all right, thanks.
Why not? Merry Christmas.
You not having any? Not for me.
It keeps me awake while I'm driving.
HE LAUGHS It is joke! Golf club will be on to the auction by now.
I had my eye on Glynis's cheese hamper.
Is it too soon to be worried about Lee and Lucy? Too soon? It's too late.
They're married now and there's nothing we can do about it.
I'm wondering if it might be time to call the police.
The police won't do anything.
They're too busy harassing innocent pensioners for urinating in fountains.
For example.
We don't know where Lee and Lucy are! We do.
What? Dad's phone has got an app.
It shows where his and Mum's phones are.
Where? Well, they started at the toy shop, then they went on a long drive, then they stopped here.
That's when the signal stopped.
They might have switched the phone off.
Why would they stop at a lay-by off the A317? That's my boy! Oh, come on, there's only one reason a couple pull into a lay-by and switch their phone off.
That's an awful thing to say, Frank.
For all we know, they might be lying in a ditch.
That's what I'm saying! I can't believe we can keep track of where they've been.
They're great, these gizmos, aren't they? Yes.
I imagine you've had something similar attached to your ankle in the past.
We seem to have been driving a long time.
You all right up there, Lee? You're very quiet.
I think he go to sleep.
Can I try your phone again? Still no signal.
Lee? You going to wake up, Lee? Your husband, he is a heavy sleeper.
Even with my special coffee.
Don't worry.
Soon you will be home.
Me, I have no proper home.
I like being on the road.
You don't like being tied down? Exactly.
Other people, they are for tying down.
PHONE RINGS I thought you said there was no signal.
There is no signal.
That is alarm, to tell me I should take break.
So why aren't you taking a break? We are nearly there.
Are you sure? I don't recognise this way.
I know all the short cuts.
Cut here.
Cut there.
Cut, cut, cut.
Lee? Lee! What was in that coffee? Sorry? Stop the lorry! Why? We want to get out! I cannot let you out here! SCREAMING: Just let us out! THEY SCREAM That's not fair! When I asked for a drive, you said no! He's a lunatic! He's trying to kill us! I'm trying to kill YOU? TYRES SCREECH What's going on?! I'm taking you to Toys R Here, that is what's going on! No, he's not! This is nowhere near Walton.
What is Walton? I am taking you to town of Burley! Where? We are very nearly there! Is it possible, Lucy, that there is more than one branch of Toys R Here? Rightio.
As you were.
Get out, you lunatic! Bit rude.
Out! That's what I like about you.
You always see the best in people.
He's still got Santa! Stop! I'm having a bad day! Where are you going? Home.
If we set off now, we might make it back for New Year's Eve.
Wait! There's no way I'm going home empty-handed.
Oh, let it go! No! Santa has gone! Ours has gone! But the shop might have others in stock! Oh, and which shop should we try first? Peter Rabbit's Countryside Emporium, or Jemima Puddleduck's 24-Hour Emergency Inflatables? Toys R Here, Burley.
You heard the driver, we're almost there.
And assuming by some miracle you find it and that it's actually open, how are you going to pay for it? We will Google directory enquiries, find our landline number, get your parents to pay for it over the phone with my credit card, then find a taxi company and pay for it at the other end.
Come on! Where the hell are you going now? By road, two miles.
By foot, one mile.
Great.
Because I was just thinking this doesn't remind me enough of the Blair Witch Project yet.
You're going to get us lost! No, I'm not.
Just because you're northern, doesn't mean you have homing pigeon in your DNA.
It's raining and I'm freezing.
Can you hurry up? RUSTLING Sh! I heard a noise! In that tree.
RUSTLING It's a squirrel.
Oh.
But go ahead and accuse it of trying to murder you anyway.
Come on.
I need the toilet.
Well, what are you waiting for? A quiet and secluded spot with a bit of privacy? I'm not going on a public footpath! Well, who do you think is going to see you? Chris Packham and the team from Springwatch? I'm going behind a bush.
Well, be careful of nettles.
You're already in a bad mood.
That might finish you off.
SHE SCREAMS THUD Blimey.
Sounds like you needed that.
Are you all right? Yeah, but I've fallen down an embankment.
I can't get back up! Oh, God! How hard can it be to go behind a bush for a quick? LEE SCREAMS THUD Look, there's a signal from Mum's phone again.
They're coming down the road now.
Oh, thank God.
I'm sure there's an innocent explanation.
I don't care.
Whatever it is, it was damned rude.
I'm sure it was.
HE CHUCKLES Making me miss the golf club lunch.
I'll never forgive them for this.
Is there even a part of you that's worried about them? Yes, my fist.
It's going to really hurt after Lee comes through that door.
Oh KNOCKING Oh, God! Don't worry, madam, it's good news.
We have recovered your phone and your purse.
They were discovered in your abandoned vehicle.
What? Yeah.
You contacted us from a phone box to report them missing? No, I didn't.
That must have been Lucy! Well, if their car and phone were stolen, that at least explains why we haven't heard from them.
I suppose so.
Or the other explanation is, they're lying, bleeding to death somewhere.
Have you ever considered a job in victim support? Can I ask you a question, sir? Of course.
Why are you dressed as Abraham Lincoln? Where the hell are we? I don't know, but can you move a bit faster? It's not my fault! I've lost a shoe! What? Back there, it got stuck in all this mud.
Well, why didn't you pick it up? Because I like the challenge of hopping! Why do you think I didn't pick it up? It's pitch-black! Ow! I hate this! 20 years ago, nobody had a mobile phone.
We go without one for a few hours and we're reduced to the status of hedgehogs.
I wish we were hedgehogs, then we might be able to see in the dark to pick up shoes.
Well, look on the bright side - at least you can't see which finger I'm holding up.
Look! There - can you see the Plough? Yes.
And? The two stars on the left point up, so you can identify the North Star.
Oh, yes, I think I can see it! And how does that help us? It doesn't.
I just thought you might be interested.
I can't go on.
I'm just going to die here.
You're right.
They'll probably find our bodies in a fortnight, our faces gnawed off by badgers.
You were meant to tell me everything's going to be all right.
Oh.
Everything's going to Too late.
Hang on.
What's that? Oh, thank God! What? It's a shopping trolley! Well, it had better be full of shoes and sat navs or I'm going to kill you! A shopping trolley means we are close to the shops.
Come on! There it is! OWL HOOTS Is it open? Yeah, and there's a special offer on Stickle Bricks.
How can I tell if it's open? The lights are on.
Yeah, well, it doesn't mean there's anyone at home.
Hurry up! This is as fast as I can go with a missing shoe! I'm not Mowgli! Ow! Whoa! Slow down! No! They might be about to shut! LUCY YELPS Who needs to drive a lorry when you can do this? LUCY SCREAMS CONTINUOUSLY Wait! Wait! Wait! Hold the door! Stop! Whoa! Wait, wait, wait! Stop, stop, stop! You've got to let us in! Sorry, we've just closed, guys.
Wait! Please.
We're not asking much.
We just need you to open the shop again for five minutes.
And let me borrow your phone so we can find the number of a taxi firm.
And then we need to use it to find our landline number so we can pay for something over the phone.
And you need to sell me a shoe.
Just the one.
All right, we are asking for quite a lot, but Wait, just let me in! I can leave my wife parked out here! She's doesn't even have to take up a disabled bay! It's only a sore foot! Oh! Well, that's it, then.
I've failed.
I've let the kids down.
I've let you down.
I've ruined Christmas.
Yeah.
You're supposed to say everything's going to be all right.
Well, there's one bit of good news.
There was a pound coin left in that shopping trolley, so at least we can use a phone box.
It's a euro.
Oh, look.
It's the lorry that picked us up! He said he was stopping for a break after his next delivery.
We can get Santa back! He's asleep.
I'll wake him up.
Don't wake him up! He already hates us! What are you doing? I'm getting Santa back.
Get out! No! That man has kidnapped Christmas, and I am the SAS! HE STRAINS Give me a hand.
He's trapped.
Oh, it's "he" now, is it? Hurry up! HE SNORES, PHONE RINGS THEY STRAIN Are you actually trying? I know it's Christmas, and I love you very much, but I will punch you in the face! Come on! ENGINE STARTS CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYS Let us out! Hello! We're in here! Hello! Stand back.
HE GROANS It's all very well, that police officer telling us not to worry.
It's not his daughter out there on her own.
She's not on her own, she's with Lee.
I'd rather she were on her own, to quote my speech from the wedding.
So what do we do now? Well, Wendy and I have the bed.
You have the sofa.
That's disgusting! We don't even know if they're dead yet and you're dividing up the furniture? Don't be so stupid! Of course they're not bloody dead! I will not be called stupid in my own son's house by a man dressed as Noddy Holder! I'm Bob Cratchit! Will you both be quiet? I've only just managed to settle the children! They were asking a lot of very difficult questions.
What did you tell them? I made up a story and told them that Mummy and Daddy were on an adventure with Father Christmas, making deliveries up and down the country.
If only it were true.
THUMPING Let us out! Forget it.
He can't hear us.
There must be some way of communicating with him.
What have we got back here? Marker pen, rubber bands, wooden pallets.
Perhaps we could rig something up, reach out of the side of the van somehow and write on the window of the cab.
Sorry, have I just joined the A-Team? Well, we're just going to have to wait till he stops and lets us out.
Well, how long's that going to be? It's probably Christmas Day by now.
Merry Christmas.
Shut up.
Hang on.
There's a hatch! There's no way we can get up there.
Maybe not, but we could lift Santa up and stick his head through.
Lucy, Santa's eyes are painted on.
He won't be able to see anything.
I know that.
But maybe someone else will see it and call the police.
HE SIGHS And what are they going to say? "It's Christmas Eve, and I've seen Santa Claus!" We're trying it! MUSIC: Driving Home For Christmas by Chris Rea Hold still! I'm trying! You're not making this very easy.
Well, that would take all the fun out of it! I've always wanted to be the bottom section of a part-human, part-rubber totem pole! Just lift me up a bit, I'm almost there.
Hang on, I'll just set my Inspector Gadget legs to levitate mode.
Whoa! Are you OK? Yeah, you? Yeah, luckily that big heavy bolt was there to break my fall.
There's another hatch! Oh, yeah, I'm fine, thanks, I'll live.
Jump.
We can't drop onto a road at 70 miles an hour! Look, we're hardly moving.
We must be stuck in heavy traffic.
Just do it! No chance! You'll have no choice if I go first.
You reckon? I'm staying here.
How about now? I hate you.
Oh, God! HORN BLARES Lee! Thanks for that.
It's been at least an hour since I broke a rib on a hard floor.
I was starting to miss it.
Where are we? I don't know.
SHIP HORN BLOWS Oh, God! Now what? Well, he had to come in handy eventually.
You what?! Well, he floats, doesn't he? I hate you! Again.
THEY SCREAM Well, thank you.
Thank you for keeping us updated.
Yes.
Goodbye.
Well, still nothing from the police.
They haven't been admitted to any hospitals as far as we can tell.
So what are we going to tell those children when they wake up? KIDS: Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! Where's Mummy and Daddy? Have they got our inflatable Santa? We need to talk to you about something.
The thing is .
.
I don't quite know how to put this.
You know in these horror films when people go missing? I'll do it.
The thing is .
.
Mummy and Daddy What? DOOR OPENS Oh, thank God! Look what Daddy got you! We wanted the one with the blue scarf.
Well, this is your lucky day.
Because that is exactly what I got you! I brought it over last night.
So it looks like you needn't have popped out after all.
I hate Christmas.
Dad, have you got 250 quid you can lend us to pay for the cab? That's quite ironic, given you're dressed as Scrooge.
I'm Bob Cratchit! # We're not going out # Not staying in # Just hanging around with my head in a spin # But there is no need to scream and shout # We're not going out We are not going out.
OK.
That's great.
Thank you.
Bye.
Hang on, I'll just check.
I've got Father Christmas on the phone.
He wants to know which list I should put you on.
Nice? Naughty? Barnardo's? You promised to get an inflatable Santa for the front garden.
And you didn't.
Well, Daddy tried his best, but the shops were sold out.
Well, fear not, family, because I've just been on the phone to Toys R Here.
They had one inflatable Santa left in stock and I've just bought it! KIDS: Hooray! Aw, well done.
You stay with the kids, I'll go and collect it.
Thanks, Mummy! Oh, hang on.
I promised those little beautiful faces that I would get them an inflatable Santa, and that is what I will do.
I've got loads of last-minute Christmas cards to deliver.
Well, I can do that.
It'll mean talking to some of the mums from the playground.
All right, we'll both go.
Ask your mum and dad to look after the kids for an hour.
They'll be free.
How do you know? Trust me, anyone who writes "Buy Soft Mints" on a calendar hasn't got a lot on.
KNOCKING What do you think? Amazing.
I wouldn't have recognised you, Geoffrey.
Gap having their end-of-season sale, are they? I meant what I said on the phone, Lucy.
One hour, absolute tops.
The golf club Christmas Eve fancy dress lunch is the biggest social event of the year and I don't want to be late.
Can you guess who Grandad is supposed to be? Have you ever seen the film A Christmas Carol? Oh, you're thingy! Bob what's-his-name.
Marley! That's right, Lee.
I'm the noted Dickensian character, Bob Marley.
It's Cratchit.
Oh, don't be hard on yourself, Geoffrey.
You've done your best.
One hour.
Max.
You should be wearing those trousers lower down on your bum, Geoffrey.
Get with it.
Did you get it? One inflatable Santa.
Last one in the shop.
Think of their little faces when they see it.
I'm thinking of your little face after you've spent three hours blowing it up.
You go red blowing on your cocoa.
Santa inflates himself, actually.
Ugh.
There's an image.
If I could do that, it would be Christmas every day.
Did you manage to deliver all your cards? Just about.
Leaving it a bit late this year, weren't you? Yeah, imagine leaving things so last-minute, hey? It's not really my thing.
Well, maybe it's not for you.
Maybe I'm having an affair with another woman.
Well, you won't be after you give her that.
I like this one.
Maybe I should look away for a few minutes? If you like.
Can I borrow your credit card? Where's yours? Sorry, I left my phone and wallet at home.
Didn't you need ID to collect Santa? No, luckily, the shop just needed my name, first line of address and a heavy dose of swearing.
Am I supposed to wrap it for you too? There's no point me wrapping it.
You know what it is.
Where's the bag gone? What? I just put my stuff in your shopping bag and it's gone.
My purse and phone! Santa! Stop! Stop! Thief! Not him! Him! ALARM BLEEPS Come on! Where are you going? We're going after them! We're not Starsky and Hutch! OK, I'm wrong.
Get in! We can't get out of the car park, the ticket's in my purse! Do you think I'm going to let a plastic barrier stop me from getting my children their Santa Claus back? TYRES SCREECH Hello? I'm so sorry to trouble you, but we appear to have misplaced our ticket.
Would you be ever so kind and let us out, please? You tell 'em, Starsky.
This is stupid.
We can just cancel my credit cards and phone and buy another Santa! Everywhere's sold out.
It'd be easier staying up all night with a net and catching the real one.
All right, we'll find a phone box, call the police and tell them their registration number.
CE88 YKH.
I'll easily remember that.
No chance.
CE - Christmas Eve.
We don't need the police.
88 - the number of times I told you to sort out that bloody inflatable Santa.
Nobody steals Father Christmas on my watch.
YKH - "You knobhead!" By the time the police are involved, that Santa will be halfway across Europe with its serial number changed.
What do you think they'll do with it? Sell it as a cut-and-shut with the bottom half of the Easter Bunny? And even if we do catch up with them, then what? They might attack us.
They'll soon back off when they see who they're dealing with.
I'm talking about you.
Where the hell are they? I said an hour, max.
The Golf Club will be serving the starters, you know.
Have you tried phoning Lucy? Well, of course I have.
No answer.
What about Lee? Yes.
The stupid idiot's left his phone here.
Any more questions? Yes.
Why are you dressed as the Cat in the Hat? It's obviously genetic.
Where the hell are we? I don't know.
We're certainly not in Kansas any more.
That was Dorothy's line.
Shouldn't you be the scarecrow? You know, the one who didn't have I got it.
They're pulling in.
Do you think they live here? Of course they don't live here.
They're not voles.
So why are they stopping? Christmas Eve 88, you knobhead! Christmas Eve 88, you knobhead! Christmas Eve 88, you All right! I think he went behind that bush over there.
Be careful, Lee.
Don't worry, I'm not scared.
Boo! Agh! You following me? No.
We always come here on Christmas Eve.
It's where we met.
We were dogging.
I know you're following me.
That's why I led you here instead of to my place.
Didn't want you knowing where I lived, did I? Look, we don't want any trouble.
Oh, don't worry.
No trouble.
I've seen the error of my ways.
So how about this? I give you your stuff back and we agree to forget about the whole thing? You had me at boo.
Where's my purse and phone? Oh, my mate's still got them in his car.
I thought you'd seen the error of your ways? The error of my ways was not getting away before you saw me.
I'm still a thief.
I've just got no use for that.
Don't worry, Lee, we've got his mate's reg number.
Yes, we have.
CE88 YDH.
YKH.
It's knobhead, not dickhead.
Ah! Oh, no, they won't trace that back to us.
No, it's stolen.
Yeah, that's what we do, you see - steal cars.
It's amazing how easy it is, actually.
Especially when people leave the keys in the ignition.
At least I got Santa back for the kids.
And how do you propose we're going to get it to them with no phone, no credit card, no money and no car? There's a phone box! Well, I hope Superman's in there.
Urgh! Oh, God.
You're not blaming me for that as well, are you? Take your jacket off and carefully put it on the ground.
Yeah, well, I'd like to be a gentleman, but I'd need to be Pavarotti to cover that up.
BULL BELLOWS AND SNORTS A cow.
So? A cow with horns.
Do you know what a cow with horns is called? A horny cow? A bull.
BULL MOOS Oh.
They charge at red things.
Take it off! He's still staring at me.
Did I miss something? Is it International Bull Provocation Day? Just act natural.
Like we're going for a walk in the middle of nowhere.
What do you mean, "like"? THEY SCREAM BULL BELLOWS SCREAMING CONTINUES Well, there was definitely no sixpence in that Christmas pudding.
Still no answer.
Where the hell have they got to? KNOCKING At last! Why are you dressed as Willy Wonka? I'm Bob Cratchit! We're supposed to be at a fancy dress lunch.
Fairy Godmother, Wendy? How did you guess? Want to make a wish, Frank? OK.
No, it's not come true.
You're still wearing it.
Good God.
I've just popped a present round for the kids for tomorrow.
See you later.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
No.
Don't be silly, Frank.
It's Christmas.
Take a seat.
I think there's a good James Bond film on.
Have a mince pie, Frank.
At least one of your five-a-day there.
Come on, Wendy, we're leaving.
We just might catch the dessert at this rate.
We can't leave the children with Frank.
Why the hell not? Yes, why the hell not? Because that wasn't the arrangement.
Lucy asked us to watch the kids, and that's what we're going to do.
Now, sit down! No point in you hanging around too, Frank.
No, no.
I like a bit of Bond.
Plus I might have a Christmas game of Subbuteo with the kids after that.
Why not? You're only little, you could play up front.
Yeah, that's our car registration number, and the stolen one they were driving was CE88 YKH.
KH as in .
.
Kilo, Hotel? What type of car were they driving? Er It was big and blue.
Big and blue? Well, what was it, then? It was .
.
medium and turquoise.
Medium and turquoise, apparently.
AIR HISSES You bloody idiot! Not you, you've been very helpful! It's my husband, he's blown up Santa! Don't worry, not the real one.
OK.
Thank you so much.
Bye.
I don't know how to deflate it.
Don't worry, Santa, he's like this with me.
Just say you're not in the mood, he'll soon crawl off.
I need some change so I can phone home and get Dad to pick us up.
I haven't got any.
He's got it.
Haven't you got any? I don't know if you're following this story, but my purse just got stolen.
The thief? The car chase? Ring any Christmas bells? You'll just have to reverse the charges.
OK.
How do I do that? This is like watching old people trying to send an e-mail.
I'll try dialling 100.
Hang on, what's our landline number? I don't know.
I've just got it as "Home" on my mobile.
Who are you? ET? Reverse the charges to my mobile.
That's at home.
OK.
What's your mobile number? I don't know.
I thought you'd know it.
How can you not know your own mobile number? Well, I never need to ring it, do I? Come on, this is a phone box, not the Crystal Maze.
We can do this.
Between us, we must know at least one phone number of someone we know.
01 .
.
811 .
.
8055.
Who's that? Oh, no, that's Noel Edmonds Multicoloured Swap Shop.
Hello, Noel.
I'm phoning from the future.
I'd like to swap an eight-foot inflatable Santa, please.
What do I want in return? Oh, not much, just a shovel and a shotgun.
Dial 999 again.
I'm not phoning the emergency services for something like this.
We'll just have to borrow someone's smartphone, Google a local minicab firm and pay for it when we get home.
Oh, right.
And which one of this heaving throng of people shall we ask? Him! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Please! You have to help me! LEE GROANS BULL BELLOWS Is this man bothering you? Massively, but that's not why I need your help.
He's my husband.
Oh, I'm sorry, yeah? That's all right.
It happens quite a lot.
I've clearly got one of those faces.
May I borrow your phone? We need to call a cab.
Of course.
Oh, sorry, there is no signal out here.
What about your CB? CB? Ten-four, good buddy? Rubber duck? Looks like we've got ourselves a blue light special, Mama Bear? Do you speak English? Yes.
Do you? Well, this is great.
Well done.
It's not my fault he can't get a signal.
No, but it's your fault for insisting we go to Toys R Here in the first place.
It's your fault we made my parents babysit.
And it's your fault we went on a vigilante mission to rescue an eight-foot inflatable bloody Santa! And it's your fault for For what? I don't know.
But if anything else happens, it's your fault.
Did you say Toys R Here? This is my next stop.
What? I have deliveries for the Boxing Day sales.
But that's really near our house! And there's a taxi rank right outside! Then you must come on board.
I will take you.
Oh, this is great! Oh, er, sorry.
No room for Santa, I'm afraid.
No Santa, no me.
Fine with me.
Good luck hitching with that inflatable bag of wind.
And yes, I'm talking to Santa.
It's OK, I put him in back.
MUSIC: Merry Xmas Everybody by Slade # So here it is, Merry Xmas # Everybody's having fun # Look to the future now It's only just begun.
MUSIC: Fairytale of New York by The Pogues feat.
Kirsty MacColl This is very good of you.
I am going this way anyway.
Not just the lift.
I mean humouring my husband.
HE SCOFFS It is Christmas.
It's good to make people happy, huh? He's got a DVD player back here and everything! Can I have a go of the horn? Of course.
HORN BLARES This is the best day of my life! I don't suppose I could have a drive, could I? It is not allowed, I'm afraid.
But you will have a Christmas drink with me.
Some vodka and Red Bull, yes? HE LAUGHS It is just joke! I scare you when I say vodka! You scared me when you said bull.
There's coffee, of course.
I'm all right, thanks.
Why not? Merry Christmas.
You not having any? Not for me.
It keeps me awake while I'm driving.
HE LAUGHS It is joke! Golf club will be on to the auction by now.
I had my eye on Glynis's cheese hamper.
Is it too soon to be worried about Lee and Lucy? Too soon? It's too late.
They're married now and there's nothing we can do about it.
I'm wondering if it might be time to call the police.
The police won't do anything.
They're too busy harassing innocent pensioners for urinating in fountains.
For example.
We don't know where Lee and Lucy are! We do.
What? Dad's phone has got an app.
It shows where his and Mum's phones are.
Where? Well, they started at the toy shop, then they went on a long drive, then they stopped here.
That's when the signal stopped.
They might have switched the phone off.
Why would they stop at a lay-by off the A317? That's my boy! Oh, come on, there's only one reason a couple pull into a lay-by and switch their phone off.
That's an awful thing to say, Frank.
For all we know, they might be lying in a ditch.
That's what I'm saying! I can't believe we can keep track of where they've been.
They're great, these gizmos, aren't they? Yes.
I imagine you've had something similar attached to your ankle in the past.
We seem to have been driving a long time.
You all right up there, Lee? You're very quiet.
I think he go to sleep.
Can I try your phone again? Still no signal.
Lee? You going to wake up, Lee? Your husband, he is a heavy sleeper.
Even with my special coffee.
Don't worry.
Soon you will be home.
Me, I have no proper home.
I like being on the road.
You don't like being tied down? Exactly.
Other people, they are for tying down.
PHONE RINGS I thought you said there was no signal.
There is no signal.
That is alarm, to tell me I should take break.
So why aren't you taking a break? We are nearly there.
Are you sure? I don't recognise this way.
I know all the short cuts.
Cut here.
Cut there.
Cut, cut, cut.
Lee? Lee! What was in that coffee? Sorry? Stop the lorry! Why? We want to get out! I cannot let you out here! SCREAMING: Just let us out! THEY SCREAM That's not fair! When I asked for a drive, you said no! He's a lunatic! He's trying to kill us! I'm trying to kill YOU? TYRES SCREECH What's going on?! I'm taking you to Toys R Here, that is what's going on! No, he's not! This is nowhere near Walton.
What is Walton? I am taking you to town of Burley! Where? We are very nearly there! Is it possible, Lucy, that there is more than one branch of Toys R Here? Rightio.
As you were.
Get out, you lunatic! Bit rude.
Out! That's what I like about you.
You always see the best in people.
He's still got Santa! Stop! I'm having a bad day! Where are you going? Home.
If we set off now, we might make it back for New Year's Eve.
Wait! There's no way I'm going home empty-handed.
Oh, let it go! No! Santa has gone! Ours has gone! But the shop might have others in stock! Oh, and which shop should we try first? Peter Rabbit's Countryside Emporium, or Jemima Puddleduck's 24-Hour Emergency Inflatables? Toys R Here, Burley.
You heard the driver, we're almost there.
And assuming by some miracle you find it and that it's actually open, how are you going to pay for it? We will Google directory enquiries, find our landline number, get your parents to pay for it over the phone with my credit card, then find a taxi company and pay for it at the other end.
Come on! Where the hell are you going now? By road, two miles.
By foot, one mile.
Great.
Because I was just thinking this doesn't remind me enough of the Blair Witch Project yet.
You're going to get us lost! No, I'm not.
Just because you're northern, doesn't mean you have homing pigeon in your DNA.
It's raining and I'm freezing.
Can you hurry up? RUSTLING Sh! I heard a noise! In that tree.
RUSTLING It's a squirrel.
Oh.
But go ahead and accuse it of trying to murder you anyway.
Come on.
I need the toilet.
Well, what are you waiting for? A quiet and secluded spot with a bit of privacy? I'm not going on a public footpath! Well, who do you think is going to see you? Chris Packham and the team from Springwatch? I'm going behind a bush.
Well, be careful of nettles.
You're already in a bad mood.
That might finish you off.
SHE SCREAMS THUD Blimey.
Sounds like you needed that.
Are you all right? Yeah, but I've fallen down an embankment.
I can't get back up! Oh, God! How hard can it be to go behind a bush for a quick? LEE SCREAMS THUD Look, there's a signal from Mum's phone again.
They're coming down the road now.
Oh, thank God.
I'm sure there's an innocent explanation.
I don't care.
Whatever it is, it was damned rude.
I'm sure it was.
HE CHUCKLES Making me miss the golf club lunch.
I'll never forgive them for this.
Is there even a part of you that's worried about them? Yes, my fist.
It's going to really hurt after Lee comes through that door.
Oh KNOCKING Oh, God! Don't worry, madam, it's good news.
We have recovered your phone and your purse.
They were discovered in your abandoned vehicle.
What? Yeah.
You contacted us from a phone box to report them missing? No, I didn't.
That must have been Lucy! Well, if their car and phone were stolen, that at least explains why we haven't heard from them.
I suppose so.
Or the other explanation is, they're lying, bleeding to death somewhere.
Have you ever considered a job in victim support? Can I ask you a question, sir? Of course.
Why are you dressed as Abraham Lincoln? Where the hell are we? I don't know, but can you move a bit faster? It's not my fault! I've lost a shoe! What? Back there, it got stuck in all this mud.
Well, why didn't you pick it up? Because I like the challenge of hopping! Why do you think I didn't pick it up? It's pitch-black! Ow! I hate this! 20 years ago, nobody had a mobile phone.
We go without one for a few hours and we're reduced to the status of hedgehogs.
I wish we were hedgehogs, then we might be able to see in the dark to pick up shoes.
Well, look on the bright side - at least you can't see which finger I'm holding up.
Look! There - can you see the Plough? Yes.
And? The two stars on the left point up, so you can identify the North Star.
Oh, yes, I think I can see it! And how does that help us? It doesn't.
I just thought you might be interested.
I can't go on.
I'm just going to die here.
You're right.
They'll probably find our bodies in a fortnight, our faces gnawed off by badgers.
You were meant to tell me everything's going to be all right.
Oh.
Everything's going to Too late.
Hang on.
What's that? Oh, thank God! What? It's a shopping trolley! Well, it had better be full of shoes and sat navs or I'm going to kill you! A shopping trolley means we are close to the shops.
Come on! There it is! OWL HOOTS Is it open? Yeah, and there's a special offer on Stickle Bricks.
How can I tell if it's open? The lights are on.
Yeah, well, it doesn't mean there's anyone at home.
Hurry up! This is as fast as I can go with a missing shoe! I'm not Mowgli! Ow! Whoa! Slow down! No! They might be about to shut! LUCY YELPS Who needs to drive a lorry when you can do this? LUCY SCREAMS CONTINUOUSLY Wait! Wait! Wait! Hold the door! Stop! Whoa! Wait, wait, wait! Stop, stop, stop! You've got to let us in! Sorry, we've just closed, guys.
Wait! Please.
We're not asking much.
We just need you to open the shop again for five minutes.
And let me borrow your phone so we can find the number of a taxi firm.
And then we need to use it to find our landline number so we can pay for something over the phone.
And you need to sell me a shoe.
Just the one.
All right, we are asking for quite a lot, but Wait, just let me in! I can leave my wife parked out here! She's doesn't even have to take up a disabled bay! It's only a sore foot! Oh! Well, that's it, then.
I've failed.
I've let the kids down.
I've let you down.
I've ruined Christmas.
Yeah.
You're supposed to say everything's going to be all right.
Well, there's one bit of good news.
There was a pound coin left in that shopping trolley, so at least we can use a phone box.
It's a euro.
Oh, look.
It's the lorry that picked us up! He said he was stopping for a break after his next delivery.
We can get Santa back! He's asleep.
I'll wake him up.
Don't wake him up! He already hates us! What are you doing? I'm getting Santa back.
Get out! No! That man has kidnapped Christmas, and I am the SAS! HE STRAINS Give me a hand.
He's trapped.
Oh, it's "he" now, is it? Hurry up! HE SNORES, PHONE RINGS THEY STRAIN Are you actually trying? I know it's Christmas, and I love you very much, but I will punch you in the face! Come on! ENGINE STARTS CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYS Let us out! Hello! We're in here! Hello! Stand back.
HE GROANS It's all very well, that police officer telling us not to worry.
It's not his daughter out there on her own.
She's not on her own, she's with Lee.
I'd rather she were on her own, to quote my speech from the wedding.
So what do we do now? Well, Wendy and I have the bed.
You have the sofa.
That's disgusting! We don't even know if they're dead yet and you're dividing up the furniture? Don't be so stupid! Of course they're not bloody dead! I will not be called stupid in my own son's house by a man dressed as Noddy Holder! I'm Bob Cratchit! Will you both be quiet? I've only just managed to settle the children! They were asking a lot of very difficult questions.
What did you tell them? I made up a story and told them that Mummy and Daddy were on an adventure with Father Christmas, making deliveries up and down the country.
If only it were true.
THUMPING Let us out! Forget it.
He can't hear us.
There must be some way of communicating with him.
What have we got back here? Marker pen, rubber bands, wooden pallets.
Perhaps we could rig something up, reach out of the side of the van somehow and write on the window of the cab.
Sorry, have I just joined the A-Team? Well, we're just going to have to wait till he stops and lets us out.
Well, how long's that going to be? It's probably Christmas Day by now.
Merry Christmas.
Shut up.
Hang on.
There's a hatch! There's no way we can get up there.
Maybe not, but we could lift Santa up and stick his head through.
Lucy, Santa's eyes are painted on.
He won't be able to see anything.
I know that.
But maybe someone else will see it and call the police.
HE SIGHS And what are they going to say? "It's Christmas Eve, and I've seen Santa Claus!" We're trying it! MUSIC: Driving Home For Christmas by Chris Rea Hold still! I'm trying! You're not making this very easy.
Well, that would take all the fun out of it! I've always wanted to be the bottom section of a part-human, part-rubber totem pole! Just lift me up a bit, I'm almost there.
Hang on, I'll just set my Inspector Gadget legs to levitate mode.
Whoa! Are you OK? Yeah, you? Yeah, luckily that big heavy bolt was there to break my fall.
There's another hatch! Oh, yeah, I'm fine, thanks, I'll live.
Jump.
We can't drop onto a road at 70 miles an hour! Look, we're hardly moving.
We must be stuck in heavy traffic.
Just do it! No chance! You'll have no choice if I go first.
You reckon? I'm staying here.
How about now? I hate you.
Oh, God! HORN BLARES Lee! Thanks for that.
It's been at least an hour since I broke a rib on a hard floor.
I was starting to miss it.
Where are we? I don't know.
SHIP HORN BLOWS Oh, God! Now what? Well, he had to come in handy eventually.
You what?! Well, he floats, doesn't he? I hate you! Again.
THEY SCREAM Well, thank you.
Thank you for keeping us updated.
Yes.
Goodbye.
Well, still nothing from the police.
They haven't been admitted to any hospitals as far as we can tell.
So what are we going to tell those children when they wake up? KIDS: Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! Where's Mummy and Daddy? Have they got our inflatable Santa? We need to talk to you about something.
The thing is .
.
I don't quite know how to put this.
You know in these horror films when people go missing? I'll do it.
The thing is .
.
Mummy and Daddy What? DOOR OPENS Oh, thank God! Look what Daddy got you! We wanted the one with the blue scarf.
Well, this is your lucky day.
Because that is exactly what I got you! I brought it over last night.
So it looks like you needn't have popped out after all.
I hate Christmas.
Dad, have you got 250 quid you can lend us to pay for the cab? That's quite ironic, given you're dressed as Scrooge.
I'm Bob Cratchit! # We're not going out # Not staying in # Just hanging around with my head in a spin # But there is no need to scream and shout # We're not going out We are not going out.