Shameless US s10e07 Episode Script
Citizen Carl
1 Fuck you.
I ain't telling you shit.
Honey, be polite.
It's not their fault they don't remember.
They have that big steel plate in their head.
Why else would you not remember something that happened one damn week ago? It's our new RV.
I guess we're living in an RV now.
[rock music.]
City basketball clubs are recruiting today.
Todd can't keep his offers straight, so I'm managing him.
Hey, what's the deal with Paula? The deal is, you're fucked.
[Paula.]
Sparky! Sparky! Sparky, Shelly.
Shelly, Sparky.
She's your boss.
Well, vice boss, 'cause I'm your boss.
Stick it to him, Shel.
I negotiated Pepa down to partial custody in exchange for some of Derek's death benefit, but I can't stomach the thought of that bitch having one second alone with Franny.
- She ready? - She's gonna piss on the family's electronics and start several small fires, so yeah, she's ready.
Sweet.
Remember, you're Franny now.
Didn't think you'd actually show.
[Debbie.]
Here I am, and here's Franny, on time, as promised.
So I guess I owe you a check.
I guess you do.
[Pepa.]
Oh, my God, everybody get out! Get out now! - Franny! What the hell? - [baby crying.]
Hello, 911? I'd like to report a fire.
[rock music.]
Think of all the luck you got Know that it's not for naught You were beaming once before But it's not like that anymore What is this downside That you speak of? What is this feeling You're so sure of? Round up the friends you got Know that they're not for naught You were willing once before But it's not like that anymore What is this downside That you speak of? What is this feeling You're so sure of? - [alarm blaring.]
- [men yelling indistinctly.]
[man.]
Hey, yo, step off that shit! [dog barks.]
[glass shatters.]
Oh, thank goodness you're here.
I know you? No.
This bus stop is so dark.
Yeah, a couple of streetlights are out.
Have been ever since my Emeril was still alive.
Really? Hmm.
He passed in 2002.
Oh.
I'm Ester.
Carl.
I'm not usually out this late.
Was celebrating my birthday.
My sister got me this.
Oh, wow.
That's really nice.
[chuckles.]
I'm 75 years young today.
Holy shit! Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, don't worry.
I can swear with the best of them too.
Oh, you need a hand? This isn't my bus.
I'm a number 15.
Oh.
You go.
Sure? Get the fuck out of here! [both laugh.]
See? What'd I tell you? Nice to meet you, Carl.
Take care.
[scanner beeps.]
[man.]
Your purse! Stop the bus! That woman's getting robbed! - Ester! - [driver.]
Not a chance.
- Call 911 if you want.
- Come on, stop the bus! - [woman.]
Shut up.
- [gunfire.]
Hey, let me out! Open the doors! Oh, hey! Open the door! Come on! - [woman.]
Sit down.
- Come on! [driver.]
I ain't stopping, man.
I have a schedule to keep.
Ester.
[rock music.]
[baby crying.]
[gentle music.]
[crying continues.]
- Ugh.
- Your baby's crying.
I fed him at 4.
No, I fed him at 4.
Are you sure? [sighs.]
I have no idea.
It's all a blur.
[groans.]
Why isn't he a teenager yet who can just feed himself? You know, maybe we can get him one of those, uh, you know, gerbil bottle things.
You know, rig it up to the side of his crib.
[Tami laughs.]
[Fred crying.]
I know.
All right, I'll feed him.
You get coffee? Deal.
- Hey.
- Yeah.
Hi.
Hey, Mommy's coming, all right? - [shushing.]
- I got you.
I got you.
I got you.
Hey.
Hey, I hear you.
Is somebody hungry? Come here.
Come here.
Yeah.
- Can we change your diaper? - Hey.
Should we change your diaper? So it's been about, uh, six weeks, right? I think so.
Yeah.
We can have sex now.
Yeah, that's right.
Good.
Good.
[urine trickling.]
- Oh.
- Oh, my Uh Seriously, Fred? [rock music.]
- Hey, get away from her! - [man.]
Give me your purse! Better run.
Ester, are you okay? [yells.]
[breathing heavily.]
Keep your wet dreams to yourself, son.
Saw an old lady get shot at the Ashcroft bus stop last night.
Who hasn't been shot at that bus stop? I wanted to help her.
It happened so fast.
Bus driver wouldn't stop.
If you made ten bucks an hour, you wouldn't stop either.
You know, the streetlights were out.
We have streetlights? Yeah, she said they were out for the past 15 years.
No surprise there.
Why doesn't the city fix them? [laughs.]
Oh, that's adorable.
Can I wear this tank top? That's not a tank top.
It will be now.
[upbeat music.]
Go for Liam.
If you want Todd, you're gonna have to go through me.
His manager, that's who.
State your business.
Tell me what time practice is, and I'll get him there.
No, no, that's not what I said.
- Okay, bye.
- [tires screeching.]
Debbie Gallagher, get out here right now! Uh-oh.
Okay.
I'll be right back.
Shh.
[Pepa.]
Debbie Gallagher, come get your kid! Hey, Pepa.
What's going on? Supposed to pick her up tonight.
Yeah, well, here's your demon child.
She set my couch on fire, ate a pound of raw hamburger meat, and bit off the tip of my son's middle toe.
Oh, my goodness.
That does not sound like my sweet Franny bear at all.
Cut the horseshit, Debbie.
You know, you're the worst mother on the planet.
You don't think that's kind of cruel? No, I don't think.
Here's your death benefit money.
I never wanna see you or your Children of the Corn daughter ever again.
Don't be a stranger, Pepa! You're welcome back for dinner sometime! Hey, what was all that about? - And who is this? - [Debbie.]
Derek's wife, Pepa, tried to screw me out of Derek's death benefit, so Bella over here was pretending to be Franny so I could get my share of Derek's money.
I followed none of that, and I'm too tired to care.
[Debbie.]
Here.
Hi! Come here.
Good girl.
Right there.
Bella! We're not at Pepa's house anymore.
We don't eat like animals here.
Spoon.
[liquid pouring.]
[pounding at door.]
Yeah.
Got some of Mickey's shit.
He here? Uh, upstairs, probably.
Who's she? Milkovich.
Sandy, I think.
Cousin no, uh, half sister or oh, something.
How many of them are there? It's hard to know.
You know, when I was with Mandy, they were always showing up paroled, evicted, on the run from the cops.
Not usually that cute.
Really, her? [footsteps tapping.]
I saw some stuff.
Shit's gotta change.
What happened to him? I don't know.
Not a clue.
I'm still trying to catch up on your Derek-dead-wife-Bella story.
Close.
This everything? As much as I could find.
Hey, anybody, uh, kind of brown come around the house looking for me? No.
Good.
How is everyone, anyway? [laughs.]
Same.
Your brothers are idiots.
Least once a week, one of them gets drunk, crawls into my bed, and tries to get something off of me.
Fuck 'em, chop their nuts off next time they try it.
Or I could stay here with you.
Have fun like we did when we were kids.
Jeez! You know that's messed up, right? Not like we're related.
We are totally related.
We're fucking cousins! And you're gay.
Fine, whatever.
Plus, he's taken.
Oh, right, you.
Yeah, good to see you too, Sandy.
Bathroom's all yours.
Hey, I had shampoo and shit.
Is there soap anywhere? You've been gone for years.
You think your brothers would save that shit for you? You can use mine.
We'll hit Costco later.
- I'm getting paid.
- I can't, man.
PO texted me when you were in the shower.
He's got a job for me.
Give me a list of shit you need and I'll pick it up for you.
Isn't that cute? Little domestic bitches.
Mm, thank you! I shut the stove off before we left, right? I'm sure you did.
You're sure as in you know for a fact, or you're sure as in you're trying to shut me up? The second one.
Should I go back and check? No! Worst-case scenario, our house explodes and we collect a ton of insurance money.
We have insurance, right? No.
Ah, you're late! [Kev.]
Jesus! What, you guys camp out here? [Kermit.]
I did.
I'll take a beer and shot of anything.
Same.
[Kev.]
Have I even turned the lights on yet? Don't need to see.
I know where my mouth is.
We left Billy here last night? Ah, barely even notice him sitting there anymore.
Me neither.
He's like a piece of furniture.
I'm gonna get you a shot on the house, all right, Billy? For a free shot, I'd get locked in here.
Here you go, Billy.
I'm sorry about that, buddy.
[body thuds.]
That didn't sound good.
Billy! Oh, my God, he's dead.
I touched a dead guy.
[Tommy.]
Billy's dead? [Kev.]
Feel him! He's cold and stiff! No! No! Billy, no, no, no! Oh, he was too young to die! Oh, I'm gonna miss you, old pal.
He was a good friend.
Jesus, Frank, I've never even seen you talk to Billy.
He opened up a lot more when it was just the two of us, and now you've gone and died! Billy, no, no.
Jeez.
Ah.
[Veronica.]
Paramedics are on the way.
[Frank sighing.]
I can't stay here and watch them zip him up! Oh, God, Billy.
[upbeat music.]
I'm gonna miss you, old pal.
[man.]
'Sup, Frank? [Frank.]
Big score.
Fresh dead guy.
- [Lip.]
Yo.
- Shh.
[softly.]
Oh.
I got coffee.
And I got toast with peanut butter or cheese.
Uh, I don't care.
Whichever one you don't want.
Yeah.
Wanna take a bite of both? Uh, this one.
Okay.
There you go.
Wow, he's really out, huh? Yeah.
Milk coma.
[laughs.]
So, uh, you wanna do it? Hmm? Six weeks.
Sex.
- Yeah, let's go.
- Yeah, right.
[Tami shushing.]
[shushing.]
[light rock music.]
- Hey.
- Hey.
[laughs.]
Mm.
Mm.
[sniffs.]
Sorry.
- What is that smell? - I don't smell it.
Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, you serious? It smells like a like a truck driver took a dump and then covered it with vanilla body spray.
Oh.
You? Okay, the post-pregnancy hormones are doing crazy things to my body.
Okay, well, did you flush? Yes, I flushed.
It could be Fred's poopy wipes.
Well, what did you do with them? I flushed them too.
You did what? [gagging.]
Oh, fuck.
They're supposed to be flushable.
Not in an R[softly.]
V.
It's a septic tank.
I don't even know what that means.
- [Lip.]
Oh fuck.
- [Tami.]
Oh.
Mother of God.
It smells like death.
Yeah, I don't think that's been emptied in a while.
You bought an RV full of someone else's shit? Yeah, I didn't think to check the shit.
Oh, fuck! We gotta empty this.
We? I'm sorry, Ester.
[sniffles.]
[Kev.]
We should say a prayer.
Yeah, you should, baby.
["Amazing Grace" playing on bagpipes.]
O Father, heavenly Father up in the sky who watches over us in heaven and Earth, we give to you our daily bread.
Forgive us our trespasses unto others as we would have them unto ourselves.
Amen.
- [all.]
Amen.
- Good job, baby.
It's all that Catholic school that I did.
Can you tell us how he died? Heart attack? Uh, he looked jaundiced.
Breasts were augmented.
Uh, his veins around his belly button were enlarged, swollen extremities, so probably cirrhosis from all the booze you fed him.
Oh, my God.
We killed Billy.
No, we didn't.
You murdered him.
[Veronica.]
Billy had free will.
He was a grown-ass man.
It was his choice to drink.
But we made the alcohol available to him.
That's kind of what happens in a bar, Kev.
You might as well have handed him a loaded gun.
That's exactly what we did.
Okay.
I guess no one wants a shot of tequila on the house in honor of Billy, then.
Fuck that coroner.
He didn't know shit.
Yeah, what's he think, he's a doctor? [patrons clamoring.]
[rock music.]
If you think I'm gonna leave That golden girl up alone all night I may have tricked myself, she couldn't shake it So I guess you might be right We're gonna keep the lights down Keep the lights down Security, we have code orange.
Woman in the green sweatpants heading out with merch.
Got eyes on her now.
Excuse me, miss.
Hi.
Ah, shit.
Cough it up and we're good! Fuck you! I didn't steal anything! Why you running? Christ on a stick.
- Get off me! - Hey, shut your face.
I just got out of prison, so I have no qualms about reaching down your throat, through your intestines, and out your fucking asshole to take back whatever you stole.
Hand it over.
Here.
Asshole.
Stole this ugly piece of shit? What's wrong with you? You know what? Get up.
Now, you are gonna hand this back to the nice little nerd that works at the store.
- Jesus.
- Yeah, you don't like that? 'Cause then you're gonna go buy me a fucking Orange Julius.
Let me catch my Catch, come on Catch, come on Let me catch my [upbeat rock music.]
Billy, whoa.
Really, under the mattress? Catch, come on Let me catch my Let me catch my Shit.
Billy Junior? Hey! [Debbie.]
Hey.
Girl, congratulations! You got that dough-re-mi! I know.
Thank you so much for helping me.
You ready to go celebrate with some downtown happy hour? Yep.
Just waiting on the sitter.
[indistinct speech over TV.]
I cannot tell you two apart.
I pooped in Pepa's shoes.
Good for you.
[knock at door.]
Hey.
Thanks for watching the kids.
You got my goods? - Right there.
- Sweet.
Hi, baby.
I'm gonna go out for a little while.
You're gonna listen to Stella while I'm gone, okay? - Okay.
- Hey.
She better be alive when I get home.
Go get your mama's weed for me.
Now! So why can't we just dump it in the park? I got a better idea.
Oh, my God.
I can still smell it back here.
You're downwind of me.
Why don't you just get-get in the front? All right.
Let's make a run for it, Fred.
Here we go.
All right.
[both.]
Go, go, go, go, go.
[Tami.]
Yeah.
[sighs.]
Yeah, you're right.
It is a little better up here.
Yeah.
Wait, is that where you're gonna dump it? Yup.
Hey, I need you on lookout.
Just make sure those construction workers don't see me, all right? Okeydokey.
But hurry up, okay? We got some sexin' to do.
Hey! Hi, guys.
How's it going? Any of you wanna take responsibility for this? Nah.
No? You wanna look at his face first? Some of you look familiar.
[scoffs.]
Carl! You see what's on this flyer? Yeah.
Fish bites, soda, and a cookie, only $7.
95.
And what do I have in front of me? Soda, soda, soda, soda, cookie, cookie, cookie, cookie.
Guess what I don't have.
Here are your fish bites, Lori.
Yeah.
About time.
Thank you very much for your patience, and throwing in an extra cookie for your wait.
Okay.
Carl.
Maybe if you would get off the phone with your bitches, I wouldn't have angry customers up my ass.
I'm not on the phone with my "bitches.
" I'm on the phone with the city.
My cousin works for the city.
They have contests to see who can answer the least amount of phone calls in a day.
Yeah, well, I saw an old lady get shot last night at the bus stop.
Streetlights were out.
It was dark.
Guy came out of nowhere.
You wanna see a bunch of streetlights? Come up to my place on the North Side.
I got plenty of streetlights.
See you, what, around ten? [woman over phone.]
This is Janice, employee number 7253.
How can I help you? Uh, yeah, hi, I'm calling, uh, about getting some streetlights fixed.
What's the address? Uh, Ashcroft and Ridgley.
Okay, South Side.
Looks like we can schedule a work crew to come out.
All right, awesome.
When? Next available date is April 17th.
- April? - Of 2022.
Wait.
People are getting shot! Thank you for calling the city of Chicago.
[line clicks.]
This is bullshit! City basically killed an old black lady, and they don't even give two shits.
It's like she didn't even exist.
Wasn't even on the news.
You watch the news? I gotta do something about this, let everybody know what happened.
You go, girl.
That's pretty, baby.
Okay, who wants a drink? V, what if I clean the scum out of the soda gun and we serve Cokes instead of death? Kev, nobody is gonna order a Coke.
That's why there's scum in the gun.
I'll have a Coke with a rum back.
[Frank.]
Done mourning.
Ready to drink.
This should keep me well-lubricated for the better part of the day, Mr.
Barkeep.
Let's let's memorialize Billy.
What can we say about Billy that we don't already know? Um, everything.
I don't know anything about him.
He had a son who looked just like him or maybe a brother.
- Um he was a man - [door squeaks open.]
[blues music.]
- who loved fishing.
- [Kev.]
What? [Frank.]
He always kept a bountiful supply of deli meats on hand although his his living quarters was always a mess.
So here's to Billy.
Hip, hip [all weakly.]
Hooray.
That was a beautiful speech.
Oh, you heard that? [laughs.]
I didn't even notice you were sitting there.
Do you wanna join me? Well, I have a pretty busy day ahead of me.
Uh I suppose one drink would be all right.
Faye Donahue.
Enchanté.
Frank Gallagher.
You speak French? Oui.
Un poquito.
I hope you're okay with a 12-year double cask Macallen.
Well in a pinch, it'll have to do.
[laughs.]
Barkeep, two glasses, please.
Of what? Just the glasses.
Hey, pretty lady.
You can't drink your own booze in here.
If you want scotch, we have scotch.
I'm sorry.
I was gonna pay you a corkage fee.
What the hell is a corkage fee? You charge us for the alcohol we would've bought but are not drinking.
- This work? - [Veronica.]
$40? Sure does.
Cork away.
To Billy and chance encounters.
[glasses clink.]
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Hey, Shelly.
What's up, Sparky? Um, I ain't got you on the schedule today.
Came to pick up my check.
Um I'm gonna give you this, and I want you to run.
- What? - Run.
- Why? - Hey, look who it is! Sparky Gallagher.
That's why.
- Here to pick up your check? - Uh, fuck.
Mine.
What the hell, Paula? Well, way I see it is, your little Good Samaritan act the other day cost me in kickbacks probably just about what you make in a week, so you don't mind, I'll just have you put your Sparky Hancock right there.
All right.
Gonna buy myself something real purty with this now.
[laughs.]
Told you to run.
To Derek's death benefit.
[chuckles.]
[mellow rock music playing.]
Mm, not bad.
Right? This place is fancy.
Yeah, this is where I come looking for all my baby daddies.
Really, these guys? They're rich.
And old as shit.
Just means they'll die sooner.
I'm glad I'm financially set for a while.
No, no, no, no.
That money is not gonna last forever.
You need to find your next sucker now so that when the money runs out, there's no break in the cash flow.
I'm not sure I wanna have another kid.
Don't look at it as a kid.
Look at it as a gravy train.
Here we go! Come on.
Come, come on.
[emphatically.]
Hi.
I'm Megan, and this is Debbie.
Oh, well.
I'm, uh I'm Mark, and, uh, this is Charles.
Ooh.
You're a pretty one.
Mm-hmm.
[laughs.]
Hey, how's it going? Hey, so what's going on? Eh, preseason media day: signing some autographs, selling new overpriced merch, usual.
Oh.
Lead story: the Bears have added a meatless burger to the menu.
Big news.
Yeah, a woman got shot last night.
- Really? - Yeah.
Guy came out of nowhere, shot her in cold blood.
- Where? - South Side.
Oh.
She white? - Black.
- Young? - Old.
- Celebrity? - Grandma.
- [scoffs.]
You ready for me? - [cameraman.]
Yeah.
- Yeah, but she was shot! The streetlights were out 'cause the city didn't care.
You could be the first to report on it.
I'm at Soldier Field, where vegetarians from across the city are cheering.
Is it for Dickie Burke's end zone dance? Nope, it's the Bears' meatless burger.
[male reporter.]
Meatless burger.
That's right, you heard it.
Everyone's excited about it.
This is gonna be something that people are gonna talk about for a long time.
The meatless burger is in the stadium, folks.
You gotta get down here soon as you can - [laughs.]
- Stop it.
I'm serious.
It was November before I knew I was in the wrong class.
How did that even happen? I was a dumb college freshman, thought I was taking Better Orgasms: A Woman's Study.
I'd signed up for Better Organisms: A Whale's Study.
Oh, my.
That is rich.
[both laughing.]
What could that woman possibly see in Frank? [Veronica.]
Maybe she's blind.
And has no sense of smell.
Kev, I've been looking, and Billy was one of our best customers.
God rest his soul.
No, I mean he was, like, 28 percent of our business.
Well, he used to always buy everyone rounds.
God rest his soul.
We have a major supply-and-demand problem on our hands.
- Supply and demand? - We have a lot of supply, and Billy was much of our demand.
We need more customers.
Well, what's wrong with us? You drink like pussies.
We need to find hard-core boozers.
Come on.
What if we just turned this place into a juice bar? - Kev! - I'm coming.
[Faye laughs.]
Tell me more about Frank Gallagher, - the early years.
- I've been doing all the talking.
I don't know anything about you.
Where are you from? How did you end up in this neck of the woods? City put a boot on my car.
Parking tickets.
Quite a few parking tickets.
[scoffs.]
Why didn't you say something before? I will have that off in no time.
Do you have an in with the transportation department? No, I have an in with an acetylene torch.
Oh.
Mm.
So what are we gonna do now? Have sex.
No, I mean, yes, yes, but what are we gonna do when we have to go poop again? Is this your idea of foreplay? I'm trying to think ahead.
Uh, we can dump it out.
It's that simple.
You wanna be on top, or should I? - Uh, no, you can.
- Okay.
So haul buckets of crap to a porta-potty? Oh, yeah.
We use toilets in the house.
- All right? - Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
- But walk over there in the middle of the night in the winter? Hey, is there any chance we can talk about this after the sex? - Yes.
- Yeah.
- I'm sorry.
- Okay, that's okay.
- Let's do this.
- Yep.
[Tami.]
Yeah.
- You have a condom, right? - No.
We need one.
You just had a baby.
Yeah, and I can have another one.
Not while you're breastfeeding.
That's an old wives' tale.
- Are you sure? - [laughs.]
I am the ripest I've ever been right now.
All right, well, we can Google it, and then if I'm right, then, uh, I don't have to go get a condom.
- Go ahead.
- Right.
Uh, can a woman get pregnant while breastfeeding? [Siri.]
A woman's chances of getting pregnant when she's breastfeeding increase by 40 percent.
[Tami chuckles.]
[door slams.]
About time, man.
Your Panda Express is getting cold.
Hey, you wanna know what I bought from Costco? I don't know.
Soap, hopefully.
Nothing.
You know why? Why? Eat your Szechuan beans.
Paula took my fucking paycheck.
What? Something about me owing her for kickbacks or some bullshit.
That's what POs are like, man.
Sooner you accept it, the sooner shit won't bother you.
Okay, okay.
Easy for you to say.
You have do-gooder Larry.
Look, look, Paula's whole job is to make your life miserable.
Your job is to not let it bother you.
Or I could kill her.
Yeah, great plan.
End up back in the joint.
No, I think it might be worth it.
I don't know if I can handle two more years of this fucking bullshit.
Chill your fucking tits and eat your noodles, man.
Let's talk about something else.
[Paula.]
Fellas! Hey! How's it going? Is that Sbarro? Love me some Sbarro.
Mmm! What is this? You stalking me now? No, not here for you.
Uh-uh.
So that leaves just one other person at this table.
That's too fucking bad.
You ain't my PO, Lollipop Guild.
Let's get out of here, get some Pinkberry.
That's the rub.
I made a little arrangement with Larry, so sit.
You're mine now.
Wait, what? It's never good in a relationship when one partner has a soft PO.
This took a lot of effort on my part to make this happen.
Had to have dinner with Larry and his wife at the Olive Garden.
Ugh, those kids.
One of them's into magic.
Kept making the breadsticks disappear.
I wanted to tell him, "That's not a trick.
You're just a fat fuck," but whatever.
Anyway, Larry switched with me, so you're welcome.
Why would you do that? I never had a Milkovich before.
Always wanted one.
So I seized the opportunity.
All right, I got a two-person job for you guys, so let's finish up with this lunch, and we're all gonna skedaddle on out of here, okay? Grab one more of those headsets too, okay? Come on, guys.
Still think I should chill my fucking tits? Fuck.
[indistinct shouting and commentary over TV.]
So who are you guys again? Stella and Bella.
So you like to party? Family, this is my new friend Faye.
Hello.
Franny, you know where Mommy keeps her torch? That's not Franny.
She's Bella.
Who the hell's Bella? I don't know.
She know where Debbie's torch is? It's in the kitchen, next to the dryer.
You know how to use that? Eh, you-you flip a switch.
It's like a cigarette lighter.
Okay.
That girl Stella in there is trying to hook up with me.
Cool.
Lucky you.
What do I do? Take her up to your room.
Dim the lights.
Strike a manly pose.
Put on some sexy music, like Barry White.
[door clicks open and shut.]
This is little Westin.
He's my eighth grandchild.
Wow.
Eight of them.
Uh, 13, actually.
I haven't showed you the rest.
- Hmm.
- Henry here, he is my Charlotte's oldest.
Now, you can tell from his eyes he's a little special needs-y.
[Megan.]
Oh, my God, these are so cute.
[Charles.]
He's ten.
He's ambidextrous and is a whiz at video games.
He still holds the highest score in Pac-Man.
[Mark.]
Hey, kids.
What do you say we, uh we take this party - up to our rooms? - Yes.
Wow, that sounds like a a wonderful idea.
Debbie? [Megan.]
Oh, you know what we could do? We could get some chocolate-covered strawberries and some champagne.
They have, like, the best chocolate-covered strawberries at this hotel.
Hannah! Hannah, it's me, Debbie Gallagher.
Hey, uh, this is my mom's best friend.
I'm gonna say hi.
I'll meet you guys up there.
Hey.
[whispering.]
Please save me from this old guy and go with this.
Debbie? Oh, my goodness! You look wonderful.
[Megan.]
Are you guys in a suite or [elevator bell dings.]
Okay, he's getting in the elevator, and now he's gone.
- Oh.
- [laughs.]
Thank you.
Uh, I'll leave you alone now.
The least I could do is buy you a drink and tell you my real name.
Sure.
[singsongy.]
Condoms, condoms, where are you? How the fuck are there no condoms in here? I've heard people say that [smooth R&B music playing.]
Too much of anything is not good for you, baby Liam? Hey, I'm giving you full warning.
I'm coming in there, all right? Ah, fucking All right, look, I-I don't want to be seeing what you're doing, but I also don't want you to be doing what you're doing, so [Liam.]
We're not doing anything.
You can open your eyes.
Thank God.
All right.
Whoa, hey, whoa, what's-what's going on here? Think she's stealing my stuff.
Just borrowing.
Hey, w-have you seen, uh, any condoms anywhere? No.
Wait.
Here, they have a whole bowl of them at the group home.
Oh, some things I can't get used to Thank you.
[woman.]
Here.
Right here, right here! Hey! Hey.
When'd you get back? Few days ago.
Gotta get back next week.
What are you doing here? I wanna get some streetlights fixed.
Need your help.
Aren't we mad at each other? Are we? Well, we're weird with each other.
Can we not be weird so we can save some lives? Why don't you ask your Mexican friend Anne for help? She moved.
Oh.
Plus, this is more your thing.
I don't know.
Oh, come on, you cheated on me and almost gave me the syph.
Said we could save lives? Yeah, but we're gonna need another person.
Who's one of the richest bitches you play with? Uh [Kelly scoffs.]
Yep.
[laughs.]
And as many of you know, I was scared to go to my family reunion 'cause of all the alcohol that was gonna be there, but then I realized I didn't have to go.
And that was the best decision I made, so thank you.
[applause.]
Thank you, Kendall.
Who would like to share next? [Veronica.]
I'll go.
Hi.
I'm, uh Teronica.
- [all.]
Hi, Teronica.
- And I'm an alcoholic which really isn't a bad thing in the whole scheme of life, right? [laughs.]
Anyway, I used to go to this bar, The, uh, Alibi.
The most delicious drinks.
A sea breeze That was my jam.
Oh, I loved the sound of the ice dropping into the tumbler, then hearing that ice crack as the vodka poured over it.
And the juice! Oh, so fresh.
Oh, boy, do I miss The Alibi, over on Ogden Street, open from 10 a.
m.
to 2 a.
m.
Anyway that's all.
Thank you.
[applause.]
That place sounds amazing.
[Jennie.]
Would you like to go next? Yeah, sure.
Uh, hello.
My name's Tevin.
[all.]
Hi, Tevin.
All right, Sparky Junior, put your headset on.
You're going in, right there.
That looks like a fucking crack den.
Which is why I don't want to go in there myself.
Need you to apprehend a parolee who's gone off the grid.
Great.
Keep the motor running.
Come on.
[clicks tongue.]
[Tami.]
This'll work? [Bob.]
Oh, yeah, yeah.
You just wait till after dark, and you dump the tank in the sewer.
All right.
Thanks, Pops.
[sighs.]
What are you doing, Tami? Meaning? Living in an RV with this guy? Well, his name's Lip.
Look, it's just not what I imagined for your life, kiddo.
Then good thing you don't have to live it.
There's plenty of room at the house.
Move back in.
[sighs.]
[Tami.]
[sighs.]
Don't hold back.
Why don't you tell me what you really think? Hey! Hey, what's going on, Mr.
Tamietti? How's it going? Uh, I called my dad to see if he could help us hook up to the sewer system.
[Bob.]
Yeah, you just lift up the manhole when the, uh, septic tank gets full, and, uh, run the PVC.
Great, good.
Thanks, yeah.
Nice RV.
Yeah, yeah, it's good.
Uh, it needs some work, but, you know it's good.
So does this mean I can flush Fred's wipies now? - Right? - [both.]
No, no.
No.
[rock music.]
All right, I'm outside apartment 407.
[Paula.]
Okay.
Go get him, tiger.
His name's Caleefa.
Get him how? And don't call me tiger.
Uh, you'll think of something.
[Mickey.]
Great.
He's gonna get shot up there.
[shushing.]
[whispering.]
Stay positive, soldier.
- [Caleefa.]
Yeah! - Hey, it's your neighbor.
I got some, uh, T-Mobile phones.
Fell off the back of a truck.
You want in? What? T-Mobile phones.
- Mm, how much? - Twenty bucks each.
Uh, let me see 'em.
Down in the truck.
You better not be fucking with me.
Babe, I'll be right back.
[Paula.]
Did you get him? You got Caleefa? - Is that Paula? - Fuck's sake.
Oh, you fucking rat! I'm sorry! I had no choice! I'm not going back to her! Says you.
[both grunt.]
[grunts.]
Shit, fuck.
[grunting.]
I got him.
Let me go, douchebag.
Come on! [Paula.]
Okay, drop him out the window.
I'm on, like, the third floor.
[Paula.]
Good.
Let's see if he bounces.
Come on, go Milkovich on him.
What's she saying? You don't wanna know.
Don't make him do that.
[Mickey.]
Why don't you just come on up here and cuff him? Mm, no can do.
I see an open window right there.
Get ready to do some of your ambulance shit, 'cause we're gonna have a real live emergency here in a second.
[Ian.]
Mickey, listen, you don't have to do that, okay? - [Paula.]
Five, four, three - [Ian.]
She's bluffing.
two, one.
[screams.]
- [glass shatters.]
- [breathlessly.]
Oh.
[alarm blaring.]
Get your kit.
[laughs.]
Mm.
Do you think that your friend is pregnant by now? It's been, like, an hour.
She must be, right? [both laugh.]
You didn't want to get knocked up too? Mm, hell no.
She was trying to get me to take a test to see if I was ovulating so we could have babies at the same time.
Oh, that is some mastermind trickery going on there.
Felt kind of bad.
She was trying to trap them.
Oh, don't.
They know what they're here for.
What are you here for? Oh, I was hoping to have a good conversation with a nice woman.
Looks like I hit the jackpot.
Do you wanna go upstairs? We could kick off these heels, raid the minibar, and check out the view.
Yes, I do.
[chuckles.]
[distant sirens wailing.]
Okay, so yeah, we'll just wait here, and the shuttle van will pick us up.
Can't believe we're going to a secret Lizzo concert.
It's so dark.
I'm a little sketched out.
I like it.
It's urban.
[horns honking.]
[camera clicking.]
Let's post an Insta Story.
- Yeah? - Okay.
[clears throat.]
I just took a DNA test Turns out I'm a hundred percent [both.]
That bitch even when I'm crying crazy Yeah, I got boy problems, that's the human in me Bling, bling, then I solve 'em That's the goddess in me Yo, bitches, give me your purses! - [Kelly.]
What the fuck? - [Amber.]
Oh, shit.
I told you this place was sketchy.
- We're gonna die! - I don't wanna die! - [gunshots.]
- [both scream.]
Shut the fuck up! Is that a real gun? Did I just get shot? Give me your purses, you little rich bitches! [Amber.]
Take it! Take my watch too.
It's a Rolex.
[exhales deeply.]
Thank God I'm alive.
I mean we're alive.
[laughs weakly.]
There's nothing sexier than watching a man use a torch.
[laughs.]
Then for you, Faye, I shall never cease.
You order from the Greek Hut? Indeed we did.
Think I almost got it.
[air hissing.]
[laughs.]
Well that's one way to get the boot off.
You are a breath of fresh air.
Forget the tire.
Let's go to my place and eat this Greek food.
Sounds good to me.
After you.
Oh, I don't think you're gonna drive anywhere on that tire.
Don't need to drive.
This is my place.
The Rolls-Royce? You live in your car? Indeed I do.
[smooth music.]
You coming? I am stunningly confused right now but utterly intrigued.
[Kermit.]
I'll take another gin and tonic.
How about a double? Stop trying to upsell me, V.
You guys need to make up for Billy being dead.
I spend my entire paycheck here every week as it is.
Guys, let's try my new strawberry banana smoothie, right? Kev, stop.
This is a bar.
What is a bar without alcohol? [scoffs.]
- Farm? - [Veronica.]
Exactly.
We're bartenders.
It's what we know.
We serve drinks.
That's what we do.
[rock music playing.]
Late one night Kev, look who it is.
It's that chick from AA.
It ain't the desert, but it'll do Oh, shit.
I feel bad now that she's actually here.
Can I get a sea breeze, please? No, sorry, we're actually out of One sea breeze coming right up.
Ooh Ooh, ooh What have we done, Kev? We have increased our demand or our supply.
One of those two things we've increased or decreased.
Hey, I've gotta get going! [Claudia.]
I left you a little something on the nightstand.
Okay.
Holy shit.
Did you find it? Uh, yeah.
Bye! [sighs.]
[spacey rock music.]
So you wanna have sex now? Absolutely.
Yeah, you sure you don't want to talk about sewage or anything like that? No, I think I'm good.
You? Yeah, me too.
I'm good.
Good.
Good.
[Carl.]
Yo, give me your purses! [Kelly.]
I told you this place was sketchy! - We're gonna die! - I don't wanna die! - [gunshots.]
- That was an excerpt from an exclusive video I was given tonight.
While two teenage girls waited at a bus stop, they were accosted by an unknown masked assailant.
The reason for this violent assault? Broken streetlights.
As you can see behind me, the city has now rushed to repair the lights: a little too little, too late.
Two brave girls lucky to be alive.
I'm Gloria Johnson reporting You did a good thing, Citizen Carl.
Got involved, challenged the system, made a change.
[rock music.]
I've got blood on my fingers I've got mud in my veins I've been through hell, but I guess That's just the price that you pay Guess who's coming with you.
[siren wailing.]
You were right.
We gotta kill her.
I ain't telling you shit.
Honey, be polite.
It's not their fault they don't remember.
They have that big steel plate in their head.
Why else would you not remember something that happened one damn week ago? It's our new RV.
I guess we're living in an RV now.
[rock music.]
City basketball clubs are recruiting today.
Todd can't keep his offers straight, so I'm managing him.
Hey, what's the deal with Paula? The deal is, you're fucked.
[Paula.]
Sparky! Sparky! Sparky, Shelly.
Shelly, Sparky.
She's your boss.
Well, vice boss, 'cause I'm your boss.
Stick it to him, Shel.
I negotiated Pepa down to partial custody in exchange for some of Derek's death benefit, but I can't stomach the thought of that bitch having one second alone with Franny.
- She ready? - She's gonna piss on the family's electronics and start several small fires, so yeah, she's ready.
Sweet.
Remember, you're Franny now.
Didn't think you'd actually show.
[Debbie.]
Here I am, and here's Franny, on time, as promised.
So I guess I owe you a check.
I guess you do.
[Pepa.]
Oh, my God, everybody get out! Get out now! - Franny! What the hell? - [baby crying.]
Hello, 911? I'd like to report a fire.
[rock music.]
Think of all the luck you got Know that it's not for naught You were beaming once before But it's not like that anymore What is this downside That you speak of? What is this feeling You're so sure of? Round up the friends you got Know that they're not for naught You were willing once before But it's not like that anymore What is this downside That you speak of? What is this feeling You're so sure of? - [alarm blaring.]
- [men yelling indistinctly.]
[man.]
Hey, yo, step off that shit! [dog barks.]
[glass shatters.]
Oh, thank goodness you're here.
I know you? No.
This bus stop is so dark.
Yeah, a couple of streetlights are out.
Have been ever since my Emeril was still alive.
Really? Hmm.
He passed in 2002.
Oh.
I'm Ester.
Carl.
I'm not usually out this late.
Was celebrating my birthday.
My sister got me this.
Oh, wow.
That's really nice.
[chuckles.]
I'm 75 years young today.
Holy shit! Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, don't worry.
I can swear with the best of them too.
Oh, you need a hand? This isn't my bus.
I'm a number 15.
Oh.
You go.
Sure? Get the fuck out of here! [both laugh.]
See? What'd I tell you? Nice to meet you, Carl.
Take care.
[scanner beeps.]
[man.]
Your purse! Stop the bus! That woman's getting robbed! - Ester! - [driver.]
Not a chance.
- Call 911 if you want.
- Come on, stop the bus! - [woman.]
Shut up.
- [gunfire.]
Hey, let me out! Open the doors! Oh, hey! Open the door! Come on! - [woman.]
Sit down.
- Come on! [driver.]
I ain't stopping, man.
I have a schedule to keep.
Ester.
[rock music.]
[baby crying.]
[gentle music.]
[crying continues.]
- Ugh.
- Your baby's crying.
I fed him at 4.
No, I fed him at 4.
Are you sure? [sighs.]
I have no idea.
It's all a blur.
[groans.]
Why isn't he a teenager yet who can just feed himself? You know, maybe we can get him one of those, uh, you know, gerbil bottle things.
You know, rig it up to the side of his crib.
[Tami laughs.]
[Fred crying.]
I know.
All right, I'll feed him.
You get coffee? Deal.
- Hey.
- Yeah.
Hi.
Hey, Mommy's coming, all right? - [shushing.]
- I got you.
I got you.
I got you.
Hey.
Hey, I hear you.
Is somebody hungry? Come here.
Come here.
Yeah.
- Can we change your diaper? - Hey.
Should we change your diaper? So it's been about, uh, six weeks, right? I think so.
Yeah.
We can have sex now.
Yeah, that's right.
Good.
Good.
[urine trickling.]
- Oh.
- Oh, my Uh Seriously, Fred? [rock music.]
- Hey, get away from her! - [man.]
Give me your purse! Better run.
Ester, are you okay? [yells.]
[breathing heavily.]
Keep your wet dreams to yourself, son.
Saw an old lady get shot at the Ashcroft bus stop last night.
Who hasn't been shot at that bus stop? I wanted to help her.
It happened so fast.
Bus driver wouldn't stop.
If you made ten bucks an hour, you wouldn't stop either.
You know, the streetlights were out.
We have streetlights? Yeah, she said they were out for the past 15 years.
No surprise there.
Why doesn't the city fix them? [laughs.]
Oh, that's adorable.
Can I wear this tank top? That's not a tank top.
It will be now.
[upbeat music.]
Go for Liam.
If you want Todd, you're gonna have to go through me.
His manager, that's who.
State your business.
Tell me what time practice is, and I'll get him there.
No, no, that's not what I said.
- Okay, bye.
- [tires screeching.]
Debbie Gallagher, get out here right now! Uh-oh.
Okay.
I'll be right back.
Shh.
[Pepa.]
Debbie Gallagher, come get your kid! Hey, Pepa.
What's going on? Supposed to pick her up tonight.
Yeah, well, here's your demon child.
She set my couch on fire, ate a pound of raw hamburger meat, and bit off the tip of my son's middle toe.
Oh, my goodness.
That does not sound like my sweet Franny bear at all.
Cut the horseshit, Debbie.
You know, you're the worst mother on the planet.
You don't think that's kind of cruel? No, I don't think.
Here's your death benefit money.
I never wanna see you or your Children of the Corn daughter ever again.
Don't be a stranger, Pepa! You're welcome back for dinner sometime! Hey, what was all that about? - And who is this? - [Debbie.]
Derek's wife, Pepa, tried to screw me out of Derek's death benefit, so Bella over here was pretending to be Franny so I could get my share of Derek's money.
I followed none of that, and I'm too tired to care.
[Debbie.]
Here.
Hi! Come here.
Good girl.
Right there.
Bella! We're not at Pepa's house anymore.
We don't eat like animals here.
Spoon.
[liquid pouring.]
[pounding at door.]
Yeah.
Got some of Mickey's shit.
He here? Uh, upstairs, probably.
Who's she? Milkovich.
Sandy, I think.
Cousin no, uh, half sister or oh, something.
How many of them are there? It's hard to know.
You know, when I was with Mandy, they were always showing up paroled, evicted, on the run from the cops.
Not usually that cute.
Really, her? [footsteps tapping.]
I saw some stuff.
Shit's gotta change.
What happened to him? I don't know.
Not a clue.
I'm still trying to catch up on your Derek-dead-wife-Bella story.
Close.
This everything? As much as I could find.
Hey, anybody, uh, kind of brown come around the house looking for me? No.
Good.
How is everyone, anyway? [laughs.]
Same.
Your brothers are idiots.
Least once a week, one of them gets drunk, crawls into my bed, and tries to get something off of me.
Fuck 'em, chop their nuts off next time they try it.
Or I could stay here with you.
Have fun like we did when we were kids.
Jeez! You know that's messed up, right? Not like we're related.
We are totally related.
We're fucking cousins! And you're gay.
Fine, whatever.
Plus, he's taken.
Oh, right, you.
Yeah, good to see you too, Sandy.
Bathroom's all yours.
Hey, I had shampoo and shit.
Is there soap anywhere? You've been gone for years.
You think your brothers would save that shit for you? You can use mine.
We'll hit Costco later.
- I'm getting paid.
- I can't, man.
PO texted me when you were in the shower.
He's got a job for me.
Give me a list of shit you need and I'll pick it up for you.
Isn't that cute? Little domestic bitches.
Mm, thank you! I shut the stove off before we left, right? I'm sure you did.
You're sure as in you know for a fact, or you're sure as in you're trying to shut me up? The second one.
Should I go back and check? No! Worst-case scenario, our house explodes and we collect a ton of insurance money.
We have insurance, right? No.
Ah, you're late! [Kev.]
Jesus! What, you guys camp out here? [Kermit.]
I did.
I'll take a beer and shot of anything.
Same.
[Kev.]
Have I even turned the lights on yet? Don't need to see.
I know where my mouth is.
We left Billy here last night? Ah, barely even notice him sitting there anymore.
Me neither.
He's like a piece of furniture.
I'm gonna get you a shot on the house, all right, Billy? For a free shot, I'd get locked in here.
Here you go, Billy.
I'm sorry about that, buddy.
[body thuds.]
That didn't sound good.
Billy! Oh, my God, he's dead.
I touched a dead guy.
[Tommy.]
Billy's dead? [Kev.]
Feel him! He's cold and stiff! No! No! Billy, no, no, no! Oh, he was too young to die! Oh, I'm gonna miss you, old pal.
He was a good friend.
Jesus, Frank, I've never even seen you talk to Billy.
He opened up a lot more when it was just the two of us, and now you've gone and died! Billy, no, no.
Jeez.
Ah.
[Veronica.]
Paramedics are on the way.
[Frank sighing.]
I can't stay here and watch them zip him up! Oh, God, Billy.
[upbeat music.]
I'm gonna miss you, old pal.
[man.]
'Sup, Frank? [Frank.]
Big score.
Fresh dead guy.
- [Lip.]
Yo.
- Shh.
[softly.]
Oh.
I got coffee.
And I got toast with peanut butter or cheese.
Uh, I don't care.
Whichever one you don't want.
Yeah.
Wanna take a bite of both? Uh, this one.
Okay.
There you go.
Wow, he's really out, huh? Yeah.
Milk coma.
[laughs.]
So, uh, you wanna do it? Hmm? Six weeks.
Sex.
- Yeah, let's go.
- Yeah, right.
[Tami shushing.]
[shushing.]
[light rock music.]
- Hey.
- Hey.
[laughs.]
Mm.
Mm.
[sniffs.]
Sorry.
- What is that smell? - I don't smell it.
Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, you serious? It smells like a like a truck driver took a dump and then covered it with vanilla body spray.
Oh.
You? Okay, the post-pregnancy hormones are doing crazy things to my body.
Okay, well, did you flush? Yes, I flushed.
It could be Fred's poopy wipes.
Well, what did you do with them? I flushed them too.
You did what? [gagging.]
Oh, fuck.
They're supposed to be flushable.
Not in an R[softly.]
V.
It's a septic tank.
I don't even know what that means.
- [Lip.]
Oh fuck.
- [Tami.]
Oh.
Mother of God.
It smells like death.
Yeah, I don't think that's been emptied in a while.
You bought an RV full of someone else's shit? Yeah, I didn't think to check the shit.
Oh, fuck! We gotta empty this.
We? I'm sorry, Ester.
[sniffles.]
[Kev.]
We should say a prayer.
Yeah, you should, baby.
["Amazing Grace" playing on bagpipes.]
O Father, heavenly Father up in the sky who watches over us in heaven and Earth, we give to you our daily bread.
Forgive us our trespasses unto others as we would have them unto ourselves.
Amen.
- [all.]
Amen.
- Good job, baby.
It's all that Catholic school that I did.
Can you tell us how he died? Heart attack? Uh, he looked jaundiced.
Breasts were augmented.
Uh, his veins around his belly button were enlarged, swollen extremities, so probably cirrhosis from all the booze you fed him.
Oh, my God.
We killed Billy.
No, we didn't.
You murdered him.
[Veronica.]
Billy had free will.
He was a grown-ass man.
It was his choice to drink.
But we made the alcohol available to him.
That's kind of what happens in a bar, Kev.
You might as well have handed him a loaded gun.
That's exactly what we did.
Okay.
I guess no one wants a shot of tequila on the house in honor of Billy, then.
Fuck that coroner.
He didn't know shit.
Yeah, what's he think, he's a doctor? [patrons clamoring.]
[rock music.]
If you think I'm gonna leave That golden girl up alone all night I may have tricked myself, she couldn't shake it So I guess you might be right We're gonna keep the lights down Keep the lights down Security, we have code orange.
Woman in the green sweatpants heading out with merch.
Got eyes on her now.
Excuse me, miss.
Hi.
Ah, shit.
Cough it up and we're good! Fuck you! I didn't steal anything! Why you running? Christ on a stick.
- Get off me! - Hey, shut your face.
I just got out of prison, so I have no qualms about reaching down your throat, through your intestines, and out your fucking asshole to take back whatever you stole.
Hand it over.
Here.
Asshole.
Stole this ugly piece of shit? What's wrong with you? You know what? Get up.
Now, you are gonna hand this back to the nice little nerd that works at the store.
- Jesus.
- Yeah, you don't like that? 'Cause then you're gonna go buy me a fucking Orange Julius.
Let me catch my Catch, come on Catch, come on Let me catch my [upbeat rock music.]
Billy, whoa.
Really, under the mattress? Catch, come on Let me catch my Let me catch my Shit.
Billy Junior? Hey! [Debbie.]
Hey.
Girl, congratulations! You got that dough-re-mi! I know.
Thank you so much for helping me.
You ready to go celebrate with some downtown happy hour? Yep.
Just waiting on the sitter.
[indistinct speech over TV.]
I cannot tell you two apart.
I pooped in Pepa's shoes.
Good for you.
[knock at door.]
Hey.
Thanks for watching the kids.
You got my goods? - Right there.
- Sweet.
Hi, baby.
I'm gonna go out for a little while.
You're gonna listen to Stella while I'm gone, okay? - Okay.
- Hey.
She better be alive when I get home.
Go get your mama's weed for me.
Now! So why can't we just dump it in the park? I got a better idea.
Oh, my God.
I can still smell it back here.
You're downwind of me.
Why don't you just get-get in the front? All right.
Let's make a run for it, Fred.
Here we go.
All right.
[both.]
Go, go, go, go, go.
[Tami.]
Yeah.
[sighs.]
Yeah, you're right.
It is a little better up here.
Yeah.
Wait, is that where you're gonna dump it? Yup.
Hey, I need you on lookout.
Just make sure those construction workers don't see me, all right? Okeydokey.
But hurry up, okay? We got some sexin' to do.
Hey! Hi, guys.
How's it going? Any of you wanna take responsibility for this? Nah.
No? You wanna look at his face first? Some of you look familiar.
[scoffs.]
Carl! You see what's on this flyer? Yeah.
Fish bites, soda, and a cookie, only $7.
95.
And what do I have in front of me? Soda, soda, soda, soda, cookie, cookie, cookie, cookie.
Guess what I don't have.
Here are your fish bites, Lori.
Yeah.
About time.
Thank you very much for your patience, and throwing in an extra cookie for your wait.
Okay.
Carl.
Maybe if you would get off the phone with your bitches, I wouldn't have angry customers up my ass.
I'm not on the phone with my "bitches.
" I'm on the phone with the city.
My cousin works for the city.
They have contests to see who can answer the least amount of phone calls in a day.
Yeah, well, I saw an old lady get shot last night at the bus stop.
Streetlights were out.
It was dark.
Guy came out of nowhere.
You wanna see a bunch of streetlights? Come up to my place on the North Side.
I got plenty of streetlights.
See you, what, around ten? [woman over phone.]
This is Janice, employee number 7253.
How can I help you? Uh, yeah, hi, I'm calling, uh, about getting some streetlights fixed.
What's the address? Uh, Ashcroft and Ridgley.
Okay, South Side.
Looks like we can schedule a work crew to come out.
All right, awesome.
When? Next available date is April 17th.
- April? - Of 2022.
Wait.
People are getting shot! Thank you for calling the city of Chicago.
[line clicks.]
This is bullshit! City basically killed an old black lady, and they don't even give two shits.
It's like she didn't even exist.
Wasn't even on the news.
You watch the news? I gotta do something about this, let everybody know what happened.
You go, girl.
That's pretty, baby.
Okay, who wants a drink? V, what if I clean the scum out of the soda gun and we serve Cokes instead of death? Kev, nobody is gonna order a Coke.
That's why there's scum in the gun.
I'll have a Coke with a rum back.
[Frank.]
Done mourning.
Ready to drink.
This should keep me well-lubricated for the better part of the day, Mr.
Barkeep.
Let's let's memorialize Billy.
What can we say about Billy that we don't already know? Um, everything.
I don't know anything about him.
He had a son who looked just like him or maybe a brother.
- Um he was a man - [door squeaks open.]
[blues music.]
- who loved fishing.
- [Kev.]
What? [Frank.]
He always kept a bountiful supply of deli meats on hand although his his living quarters was always a mess.
So here's to Billy.
Hip, hip [all weakly.]
Hooray.
That was a beautiful speech.
Oh, you heard that? [laughs.]
I didn't even notice you were sitting there.
Do you wanna join me? Well, I have a pretty busy day ahead of me.
Uh I suppose one drink would be all right.
Faye Donahue.
Enchanté.
Frank Gallagher.
You speak French? Oui.
Un poquito.
I hope you're okay with a 12-year double cask Macallen.
Well in a pinch, it'll have to do.
[laughs.]
Barkeep, two glasses, please.
Of what? Just the glasses.
Hey, pretty lady.
You can't drink your own booze in here.
If you want scotch, we have scotch.
I'm sorry.
I was gonna pay you a corkage fee.
What the hell is a corkage fee? You charge us for the alcohol we would've bought but are not drinking.
- This work? - [Veronica.]
$40? Sure does.
Cork away.
To Billy and chance encounters.
[glasses clink.]
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Hey, Shelly.
What's up, Sparky? Um, I ain't got you on the schedule today.
Came to pick up my check.
Um I'm gonna give you this, and I want you to run.
- What? - Run.
- Why? - Hey, look who it is! Sparky Gallagher.
That's why.
- Here to pick up your check? - Uh, fuck.
Mine.
What the hell, Paula? Well, way I see it is, your little Good Samaritan act the other day cost me in kickbacks probably just about what you make in a week, so you don't mind, I'll just have you put your Sparky Hancock right there.
All right.
Gonna buy myself something real purty with this now.
[laughs.]
Told you to run.
To Derek's death benefit.
[chuckles.]
[mellow rock music playing.]
Mm, not bad.
Right? This place is fancy.
Yeah, this is where I come looking for all my baby daddies.
Really, these guys? They're rich.
And old as shit.
Just means they'll die sooner.
I'm glad I'm financially set for a while.
No, no, no, no.
That money is not gonna last forever.
You need to find your next sucker now so that when the money runs out, there's no break in the cash flow.
I'm not sure I wanna have another kid.
Don't look at it as a kid.
Look at it as a gravy train.
Here we go! Come on.
Come, come on.
[emphatically.]
Hi.
I'm Megan, and this is Debbie.
Oh, well.
I'm, uh I'm Mark, and, uh, this is Charles.
Ooh.
You're a pretty one.
Mm-hmm.
[laughs.]
Hey, how's it going? Hey, so what's going on? Eh, preseason media day: signing some autographs, selling new overpriced merch, usual.
Oh.
Lead story: the Bears have added a meatless burger to the menu.
Big news.
Yeah, a woman got shot last night.
- Really? - Yeah.
Guy came out of nowhere, shot her in cold blood.
- Where? - South Side.
Oh.
She white? - Black.
- Young? - Old.
- Celebrity? - Grandma.
- [scoffs.]
You ready for me? - [cameraman.]
Yeah.
- Yeah, but she was shot! The streetlights were out 'cause the city didn't care.
You could be the first to report on it.
I'm at Soldier Field, where vegetarians from across the city are cheering.
Is it for Dickie Burke's end zone dance? Nope, it's the Bears' meatless burger.
[male reporter.]
Meatless burger.
That's right, you heard it.
Everyone's excited about it.
This is gonna be something that people are gonna talk about for a long time.
The meatless burger is in the stadium, folks.
You gotta get down here soon as you can - [laughs.]
- Stop it.
I'm serious.
It was November before I knew I was in the wrong class.
How did that even happen? I was a dumb college freshman, thought I was taking Better Orgasms: A Woman's Study.
I'd signed up for Better Organisms: A Whale's Study.
Oh, my.
That is rich.
[both laughing.]
What could that woman possibly see in Frank? [Veronica.]
Maybe she's blind.
And has no sense of smell.
Kev, I've been looking, and Billy was one of our best customers.
God rest his soul.
No, I mean he was, like, 28 percent of our business.
Well, he used to always buy everyone rounds.
God rest his soul.
We have a major supply-and-demand problem on our hands.
- Supply and demand? - We have a lot of supply, and Billy was much of our demand.
We need more customers.
Well, what's wrong with us? You drink like pussies.
We need to find hard-core boozers.
Come on.
What if we just turned this place into a juice bar? - Kev! - I'm coming.
[Faye laughs.]
Tell me more about Frank Gallagher, - the early years.
- I've been doing all the talking.
I don't know anything about you.
Where are you from? How did you end up in this neck of the woods? City put a boot on my car.
Parking tickets.
Quite a few parking tickets.
[scoffs.]
Why didn't you say something before? I will have that off in no time.
Do you have an in with the transportation department? No, I have an in with an acetylene torch.
Oh.
Mm.
So what are we gonna do now? Have sex.
No, I mean, yes, yes, but what are we gonna do when we have to go poop again? Is this your idea of foreplay? I'm trying to think ahead.
Uh, we can dump it out.
It's that simple.
You wanna be on top, or should I? - Uh, no, you can.
- Okay.
So haul buckets of crap to a porta-potty? Oh, yeah.
We use toilets in the house.
- All right? - Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
- But walk over there in the middle of the night in the winter? Hey, is there any chance we can talk about this after the sex? - Yes.
- Yeah.
- I'm sorry.
- Okay, that's okay.
- Let's do this.
- Yep.
[Tami.]
Yeah.
- You have a condom, right? - No.
We need one.
You just had a baby.
Yeah, and I can have another one.
Not while you're breastfeeding.
That's an old wives' tale.
- Are you sure? - [laughs.]
I am the ripest I've ever been right now.
All right, well, we can Google it, and then if I'm right, then, uh, I don't have to go get a condom.
- Go ahead.
- Right.
Uh, can a woman get pregnant while breastfeeding? [Siri.]
A woman's chances of getting pregnant when she's breastfeeding increase by 40 percent.
[Tami chuckles.]
[door slams.]
About time, man.
Your Panda Express is getting cold.
Hey, you wanna know what I bought from Costco? I don't know.
Soap, hopefully.
Nothing.
You know why? Why? Eat your Szechuan beans.
Paula took my fucking paycheck.
What? Something about me owing her for kickbacks or some bullshit.
That's what POs are like, man.
Sooner you accept it, the sooner shit won't bother you.
Okay, okay.
Easy for you to say.
You have do-gooder Larry.
Look, look, Paula's whole job is to make your life miserable.
Your job is to not let it bother you.
Or I could kill her.
Yeah, great plan.
End up back in the joint.
No, I think it might be worth it.
I don't know if I can handle two more years of this fucking bullshit.
Chill your fucking tits and eat your noodles, man.
Let's talk about something else.
[Paula.]
Fellas! Hey! How's it going? Is that Sbarro? Love me some Sbarro.
Mmm! What is this? You stalking me now? No, not here for you.
Uh-uh.
So that leaves just one other person at this table.
That's too fucking bad.
You ain't my PO, Lollipop Guild.
Let's get out of here, get some Pinkberry.
That's the rub.
I made a little arrangement with Larry, so sit.
You're mine now.
Wait, what? It's never good in a relationship when one partner has a soft PO.
This took a lot of effort on my part to make this happen.
Had to have dinner with Larry and his wife at the Olive Garden.
Ugh, those kids.
One of them's into magic.
Kept making the breadsticks disappear.
I wanted to tell him, "That's not a trick.
You're just a fat fuck," but whatever.
Anyway, Larry switched with me, so you're welcome.
Why would you do that? I never had a Milkovich before.
Always wanted one.
So I seized the opportunity.
All right, I got a two-person job for you guys, so let's finish up with this lunch, and we're all gonna skedaddle on out of here, okay? Grab one more of those headsets too, okay? Come on, guys.
Still think I should chill my fucking tits? Fuck.
[indistinct shouting and commentary over TV.]
So who are you guys again? Stella and Bella.
So you like to party? Family, this is my new friend Faye.
Hello.
Franny, you know where Mommy keeps her torch? That's not Franny.
She's Bella.
Who the hell's Bella? I don't know.
She know where Debbie's torch is? It's in the kitchen, next to the dryer.
You know how to use that? Eh, you-you flip a switch.
It's like a cigarette lighter.
Okay.
That girl Stella in there is trying to hook up with me.
Cool.
Lucky you.
What do I do? Take her up to your room.
Dim the lights.
Strike a manly pose.
Put on some sexy music, like Barry White.
[door clicks open and shut.]
This is little Westin.
He's my eighth grandchild.
Wow.
Eight of them.
Uh, 13, actually.
I haven't showed you the rest.
- Hmm.
- Henry here, he is my Charlotte's oldest.
Now, you can tell from his eyes he's a little special needs-y.
[Megan.]
Oh, my God, these are so cute.
[Charles.]
He's ten.
He's ambidextrous and is a whiz at video games.
He still holds the highest score in Pac-Man.
[Mark.]
Hey, kids.
What do you say we, uh we take this party - up to our rooms? - Yes.
Wow, that sounds like a a wonderful idea.
Debbie? [Megan.]
Oh, you know what we could do? We could get some chocolate-covered strawberries and some champagne.
They have, like, the best chocolate-covered strawberries at this hotel.
Hannah! Hannah, it's me, Debbie Gallagher.
Hey, uh, this is my mom's best friend.
I'm gonna say hi.
I'll meet you guys up there.
Hey.
[whispering.]
Please save me from this old guy and go with this.
Debbie? Oh, my goodness! You look wonderful.
[Megan.]
Are you guys in a suite or [elevator bell dings.]
Okay, he's getting in the elevator, and now he's gone.
- Oh.
- [laughs.]
Thank you.
Uh, I'll leave you alone now.
The least I could do is buy you a drink and tell you my real name.
Sure.
[singsongy.]
Condoms, condoms, where are you? How the fuck are there no condoms in here? I've heard people say that [smooth R&B music playing.]
Too much of anything is not good for you, baby Liam? Hey, I'm giving you full warning.
I'm coming in there, all right? Ah, fucking All right, look, I-I don't want to be seeing what you're doing, but I also don't want you to be doing what you're doing, so [Liam.]
We're not doing anything.
You can open your eyes.
Thank God.
All right.
Whoa, hey, whoa, what's-what's going on here? Think she's stealing my stuff.
Just borrowing.
Hey, w-have you seen, uh, any condoms anywhere? No.
Wait.
Here, they have a whole bowl of them at the group home.
Oh, some things I can't get used to Thank you.
[woman.]
Here.
Right here, right here! Hey! Hey.
When'd you get back? Few days ago.
Gotta get back next week.
What are you doing here? I wanna get some streetlights fixed.
Need your help.
Aren't we mad at each other? Are we? Well, we're weird with each other.
Can we not be weird so we can save some lives? Why don't you ask your Mexican friend Anne for help? She moved.
Oh.
Plus, this is more your thing.
I don't know.
Oh, come on, you cheated on me and almost gave me the syph.
Said we could save lives? Yeah, but we're gonna need another person.
Who's one of the richest bitches you play with? Uh [Kelly scoffs.]
Yep.
[laughs.]
And as many of you know, I was scared to go to my family reunion 'cause of all the alcohol that was gonna be there, but then I realized I didn't have to go.
And that was the best decision I made, so thank you.
[applause.]
Thank you, Kendall.
Who would like to share next? [Veronica.]
I'll go.
Hi.
I'm, uh Teronica.
- [all.]
Hi, Teronica.
- And I'm an alcoholic which really isn't a bad thing in the whole scheme of life, right? [laughs.]
Anyway, I used to go to this bar, The, uh, Alibi.
The most delicious drinks.
A sea breeze That was my jam.
Oh, I loved the sound of the ice dropping into the tumbler, then hearing that ice crack as the vodka poured over it.
And the juice! Oh, so fresh.
Oh, boy, do I miss The Alibi, over on Ogden Street, open from 10 a.
m.
to 2 a.
m.
Anyway that's all.
Thank you.
[applause.]
That place sounds amazing.
[Jennie.]
Would you like to go next? Yeah, sure.
Uh, hello.
My name's Tevin.
[all.]
Hi, Tevin.
All right, Sparky Junior, put your headset on.
You're going in, right there.
That looks like a fucking crack den.
Which is why I don't want to go in there myself.
Need you to apprehend a parolee who's gone off the grid.
Great.
Keep the motor running.
Come on.
[clicks tongue.]
[Tami.]
This'll work? [Bob.]
Oh, yeah, yeah.
You just wait till after dark, and you dump the tank in the sewer.
All right.
Thanks, Pops.
[sighs.]
What are you doing, Tami? Meaning? Living in an RV with this guy? Well, his name's Lip.
Look, it's just not what I imagined for your life, kiddo.
Then good thing you don't have to live it.
There's plenty of room at the house.
Move back in.
[sighs.]
[Tami.]
[sighs.]
Don't hold back.
Why don't you tell me what you really think? Hey! Hey, what's going on, Mr.
Tamietti? How's it going? Uh, I called my dad to see if he could help us hook up to the sewer system.
[Bob.]
Yeah, you just lift up the manhole when the, uh, septic tank gets full, and, uh, run the PVC.
Great, good.
Thanks, yeah.
Nice RV.
Yeah, yeah, it's good.
Uh, it needs some work, but, you know it's good.
So does this mean I can flush Fred's wipies now? - Right? - [both.]
No, no.
No.
[rock music.]
All right, I'm outside apartment 407.
[Paula.]
Okay.
Go get him, tiger.
His name's Caleefa.
Get him how? And don't call me tiger.
Uh, you'll think of something.
[Mickey.]
Great.
He's gonna get shot up there.
[shushing.]
[whispering.]
Stay positive, soldier.
- [Caleefa.]
Yeah! - Hey, it's your neighbor.
I got some, uh, T-Mobile phones.
Fell off the back of a truck.
You want in? What? T-Mobile phones.
- Mm, how much? - Twenty bucks each.
Uh, let me see 'em.
Down in the truck.
You better not be fucking with me.
Babe, I'll be right back.
[Paula.]
Did you get him? You got Caleefa? - Is that Paula? - Fuck's sake.
Oh, you fucking rat! I'm sorry! I had no choice! I'm not going back to her! Says you.
[both grunt.]
[grunts.]
Shit, fuck.
[grunting.]
I got him.
Let me go, douchebag.
Come on! [Paula.]
Okay, drop him out the window.
I'm on, like, the third floor.
[Paula.]
Good.
Let's see if he bounces.
Come on, go Milkovich on him.
What's she saying? You don't wanna know.
Don't make him do that.
[Mickey.]
Why don't you just come on up here and cuff him? Mm, no can do.
I see an open window right there.
Get ready to do some of your ambulance shit, 'cause we're gonna have a real live emergency here in a second.
[Ian.]
Mickey, listen, you don't have to do that, okay? - [Paula.]
Five, four, three - [Ian.]
She's bluffing.
two, one.
[screams.]
- [glass shatters.]
- [breathlessly.]
Oh.
[alarm blaring.]
Get your kit.
[laughs.]
Mm.
Do you think that your friend is pregnant by now? It's been, like, an hour.
She must be, right? [both laugh.]
You didn't want to get knocked up too? Mm, hell no.
She was trying to get me to take a test to see if I was ovulating so we could have babies at the same time.
Oh, that is some mastermind trickery going on there.
Felt kind of bad.
She was trying to trap them.
Oh, don't.
They know what they're here for.
What are you here for? Oh, I was hoping to have a good conversation with a nice woman.
Looks like I hit the jackpot.
Do you wanna go upstairs? We could kick off these heels, raid the minibar, and check out the view.
Yes, I do.
[chuckles.]
[distant sirens wailing.]
Okay, so yeah, we'll just wait here, and the shuttle van will pick us up.
Can't believe we're going to a secret Lizzo concert.
It's so dark.
I'm a little sketched out.
I like it.
It's urban.
[horns honking.]
[camera clicking.]
Let's post an Insta Story.
- Yeah? - Okay.
[clears throat.]
I just took a DNA test Turns out I'm a hundred percent [both.]
That bitch even when I'm crying crazy Yeah, I got boy problems, that's the human in me Bling, bling, then I solve 'em That's the goddess in me Yo, bitches, give me your purses! - [Kelly.]
What the fuck? - [Amber.]
Oh, shit.
I told you this place was sketchy.
- We're gonna die! - I don't wanna die! - [gunshots.]
- [both scream.]
Shut the fuck up! Is that a real gun? Did I just get shot? Give me your purses, you little rich bitches! [Amber.]
Take it! Take my watch too.
It's a Rolex.
[exhales deeply.]
Thank God I'm alive.
I mean we're alive.
[laughs weakly.]
There's nothing sexier than watching a man use a torch.
[laughs.]
Then for you, Faye, I shall never cease.
You order from the Greek Hut? Indeed we did.
Think I almost got it.
[air hissing.]
[laughs.]
Well that's one way to get the boot off.
You are a breath of fresh air.
Forget the tire.
Let's go to my place and eat this Greek food.
Sounds good to me.
After you.
Oh, I don't think you're gonna drive anywhere on that tire.
Don't need to drive.
This is my place.
The Rolls-Royce? You live in your car? Indeed I do.
[smooth music.]
You coming? I am stunningly confused right now but utterly intrigued.
[Kermit.]
I'll take another gin and tonic.
How about a double? Stop trying to upsell me, V.
You guys need to make up for Billy being dead.
I spend my entire paycheck here every week as it is.
Guys, let's try my new strawberry banana smoothie, right? Kev, stop.
This is a bar.
What is a bar without alcohol? [scoffs.]
- Farm? - [Veronica.]
Exactly.
We're bartenders.
It's what we know.
We serve drinks.
That's what we do.
[rock music playing.]
Late one night Kev, look who it is.
It's that chick from AA.
It ain't the desert, but it'll do Oh, shit.
I feel bad now that she's actually here.
Can I get a sea breeze, please? No, sorry, we're actually out of One sea breeze coming right up.
Ooh Ooh, ooh What have we done, Kev? We have increased our demand or our supply.
One of those two things we've increased or decreased.
Hey, I've gotta get going! [Claudia.]
I left you a little something on the nightstand.
Okay.
Holy shit.
Did you find it? Uh, yeah.
Bye! [sighs.]
[spacey rock music.]
So you wanna have sex now? Absolutely.
Yeah, you sure you don't want to talk about sewage or anything like that? No, I think I'm good.
You? Yeah, me too.
I'm good.
Good.
Good.
[Carl.]
Yo, give me your purses! [Kelly.]
I told you this place was sketchy! - We're gonna die! - I don't wanna die! - [gunshots.]
- That was an excerpt from an exclusive video I was given tonight.
While two teenage girls waited at a bus stop, they were accosted by an unknown masked assailant.
The reason for this violent assault? Broken streetlights.
As you can see behind me, the city has now rushed to repair the lights: a little too little, too late.
Two brave girls lucky to be alive.
I'm Gloria Johnson reporting You did a good thing, Citizen Carl.
Got involved, challenged the system, made a change.
[rock music.]
I've got blood on my fingers I've got mud in my veins I've been through hell, but I guess That's just the price that you pay Guess who's coming with you.
[siren wailing.]
You were right.
We gotta kill her.