Two and a Half Men s10e07 Episode Script

What are you doing here? I got a weekend pass, so I took a train in to surprise you guys.
Hi, soldier.
Hello.
You must be Jake.
I'm sleeping in your room.
Well, God bless America.
You are just so sweet.
I swear, I could just eat you up, but you know, then I'd probably get a sugar rush.
Missi still sleeping? Nah, she's in the shower.
Oops.
I get another pass in, like, a month, so maybe we can see each other then.
I sort of have a boyfriend.
A boyfriend? But I thought you Good-bye, Jake.
Don't be a hero.
What the hell just happened? Hey.
Hey.
Wait.
I thought you had a date with Lyndsey tonight.
Oh, yeah, I was supposed to, but, uh, we decided to take a little break.
How come? Oh, I'm not privy to that information.
Uh, all I was told is, we need to take a break.
So, what, you're supposed to just wait around until she decides that you're worthy of being in her presence again? Or until she needs her rain gutters cleaned out.
And-and that's not a euphemism.
See, this is the kind of crap you got to put up with when you're in a relationship.
Oh, but-but it's a small price to pay for love, companionship and a parking spot for the pink Prius.
It's hard to believe that Lyndsey needed a break from you.
Oh.
Well, if you will excuse me, I have a date with an extra large meat lover.
That did not sound right.
I ordered a pizza.
Walden! Missi.
I am so sorry to show up unannounced, but me and my mom got in this huge fight over whether or not I should pay rent to stay at her house.
And I said, "Fine, but if I pay rent, then your stupid boyfriend should, too.
" He said, "Don't sass your mother.
" I said, "Do not tell me what to do.
I am six months older than you"" Anyway, you said I was welcome here any time I want, so, ding-dong, here I am.
Uh Alan, how are you? I'm good.
What brings you here? Me and my No! No! Hey.
Jake, what are you doing here? I got a weekend pass.
Missi? What are you doing here? Jake? What a surprise! I'm suspicious.
You think? Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men Ah.
Men.
I still can't get over this coincidence.
I mean, what are the odds? The same weekend I come home, Missi just happens Jake, let it go.
Missi, help me out here.
I thought you guys broke up.
We did, but then Jake sent me this giant cookie he baked that was shaped like a heart, and it said, "I Missi you"" and I just melted.
Well, you know, I can't take all the credit.
The cookie was loaded with pot.
So, uh, Jake, you want to go to your bedroom and unpack? Uh, that's okay.
I don't really have much.
Well, then maybe you can help me unpack.
Why? Dude, she's not really talking about unpacking.
Oh.
Oh, okay, yeah, I could definitely go for a good unpacking.
Well, then, come on.
Hey, um, maybe later we could go for a walk on the beach.
Oh, yeah! She means an actual walk on the beach! That's it.
I'm out of here.
Where you going? Someplace quiet.
What are you talking about? It's quiet here.
Wait for it.
Jake, slow down.
There's a zipper on this thing.
Oh, God, I can't hear my son having sex.
Ah, push it Push it good Ah, push it Much better.
Push it Wow.
Excuse me? I'm sorry.
That-that was involuntary.
I just think you're very beautiful.
Thank you.
If we weren't in a library, I would have applauded.
Got it.
Thanks.
I'm sorry.
What are you doing here? Nobody goes to the library anymore.
Oh, it's one of the few places that I can go to where strange men don't hit on me.
Oh.
Oh.
Sorry.
I just I'll leave you alone.
I come here 'cause they have a great collection of Thomas Edison diaries.
They're very illuminating.
Get it? Thomas Edison's The lightbulb? Never mind.
Just for the record, I wasn't hitting on you.
I was just making small talk.
Duly noted.
The last thing I would want to do is hit on anyone.
I'm-I'm kind of taking a timeout from the whole boy-meets-girl, girl-dumps-boy, boy-doubts-his-worth as-a-human-being thing.
Okay.
Okay.
Oh, for God's sake.
Would you like to join me? Oh, no, no, no.
I don't want to impose.
Just get over here.
I'm Walden.
Whitney.
Hi.
So, Whitney, tell me about yourself.
What do you do? Um, I'm an actress.
Oh, yeah.
How's that going? Not so good.
I haven't worked in almost two years.
Ooh.
Tough business, or are you just not talented? What do you mean, am I just not talented? You don't know me, you don't know what I can do.
You're lucky that I don't reach under this table right now, rip off your balls and feed them to you for dinner.
I'm sorry.
Sorry.
My bad.
And scene.
Hey.
Hey.
Where's Missi? She's unpacking.
You know, for real.
Right.
I'm-I'm glad you're having fun.
Oh, I am.
I can't imagine ever being with anyone else.
Yeah, yeah, I remember that feeling.
You, uh, kiss a girl, see fireworks, and fall head-over-heels in love, and then, one day you wake up in a cold, loveless marriage with a soul-sucking shrew who makes you wish for an early death.
Oh, you realize you're talking about my mother.
Yeah.
So you get it.
So, anyway, after I moved out to Los Angeles, I promised myself I'd give it two years, and if I wasn't a star by then, I'd move home and get a real job.
So, how much time do you have left? Well, that's four more than God took.
God didn't have my agent.
Listen, if I could hire you to act, I would.
Thank you.
I appreciate that.
You know, what if I could hire you? For what? Well, stick with me 'cause I'm just thinking out loud here.
You see, here's the thing.
I'm a serial monogamist, but I'm not very good at relationships, 'cause they're emotional, and they get messy, people fall in and out of love, and somebody always ends up crying.
That's usually me.
Walden, I'm not going to date you.
Oh, no, I-I don't want you to date me.
What if I hired you to play the role of my girlfriend? You think I'm a hooker?! No.
No.
No sex.
Uh, you know, take sex off the table.
In fact, take it off the table, the car, the floor, the bed, the windmill at the putt-putt golf course.
Okay, so, I'm supposed to just believe that some random guy that I meet in the public library is going to pay me to be his sex-free companion? How does this not end with my head in a freezer? Google me.
What? Walden Schmidt.
Google me.
Wow, that's a lot of zeros.
Are you really a-a genius, entrepreneur, philanthropist? I also fight crime.
What do you say? You know how weird this is, right? What is weird about wanting to control every aspect of a relationship by using money as a weapon? Okay, let me rephrase that.
How does five grand a week sound? Sounds like you've got a girlfriend.
Morning.
Morning.
Where's Jake? Oh, he's still sleeping, 'cause in the army, he has to get up at In the military, that's 0400.
I don't understand why they need the "oh" or the "hundred.
" What time is it? Done! Next! And I really don't understand them watches without the numbers on it.
I mean, I never know what time it Missi? I love you dearly, but you got to shut up.
Well, all I heard was, you love me dearly.
Oh, you're here.
And action! You're adorable.
I brought you an iced coffee, no sugar, soy milk.
That's exactly the way that I like it.
How did you know? You're my boyfriend.
It's my business to know.
Okay, so, here's what I'm thinking.
Three words-- beer, wings, football.
Okay, three more words-- best girlfriend ever.
I'll just go get changed.
Why? Oh, this is a smelly old shirt, and I haven't showered.
Stinky-- just the way I like it.
Oh, this is good.
Can I fart in the car? Hello? Sorry to disturb you, sir.
Is this the residence of Private Jake Harper? Yes, it is.
Is everything okay? No, sir.
He's absent without leave.
H-He's AWOL? Now we both said it.
If he doesn't return to the base within 24 hours, he will be brought up on charges.
Oh.
That's not good.
No, sir.
It's bad.
Uh, well, I-I I haven't seen him.
Uh, but, you know, if I if I do, I will, uh, I will get in touch right away.
Uh, immediately.
Thank you, sir.
Okay.
Here's our contact information.
Good day, sir.
Jake! Jake? Not now, Dad.
The military police were at the door looking for you.
What did you tell them? I told them you weren't here.
Oh.
Thanks.
See you at dinner.
Are you kidding me, Jake? AWOL?! Come on, it's not that big a deal.
You could go to jail! Really? That seems a little extreme.
All right, all right, enough.
Just go get your things, and I'll drive you back to the base.
No.
I'm staying here with Missi.
This is not a discussion.
Let's go! Dad, I'm not a kid anymore.
I'm 18, and I'm in the army.
You're using the excuse that you're in the army to not go back to the army?! Hey, why don't you let me go try to talk to him? You think you can bring him back to his senses? Oh, yeah, I'm real good at getting people to do what I want 'em to do-- back home they call me the "People Whisperer"" It's kind of like the Horse Whisperer, except I do it with people and I don't really whisper.
Ooh, I tried it with a horse one time.
He was just looking at me like I was crazy.
Kind of like you're doing right now.
I'll go talk to Jake.
She cannot become my daughter-in-law.
Oh, good, you're going back.
Nope.
You and me are getting out of here.
Where are we going? Doesn't matter.
I just want to be with you.
Jake, I got to go back home; I have a job.
Hey, if I can leave the army, you can leave your job.
Whoa, slow down.
Why? I love you and you love me, right? Right? Jake you have to know how much I really like you.
Oh, man.
But you're in good company, 'cause I only really like great things.
You know, like ice cream sundaes and jumping up and down on bubble wrap and that cute little bear in the toilet paper commercial that wipes his butt on the trees.
Okay, I heard it that time.
I do got to shut up.
I brought you another beer.
I don't know if I should.
Oh, come on, drunk guys are hot.
You know, I got to tell you, Whitney, I am having the best time with you.
Good.
'Cause I think you're wonderful.
Thanks.
Do you really mean that? Of course I do.
You're smart, you're funny, not to mention very handsome.
Ah.
Too late, you mentioned it.
You know, but seriously I am so glad I met you.
Thanks.
Me, too.
See, here's the thing.
I really mean it.
So do I.
Okay, see, I don't know if you're just saying that because I'm paying you, or if you really believe it.
How does it feel to you? It feels like you mean it.
Then that's all that matters.
Wh No, it's not.
See I want to know if it's for real real or if it's "Best Performance by a Girlfriend Hired in a Library" real.
Because on my end, it is real.
Me, too.
Okay, if I wasn't paying you, would you still feel that? It wouldn't matter if you were paying me or not.
But I am paying you.
Which doesn't change the way I feel.
Okay, let's try this another way.
I want you to feel that it's really real for real real.
And that is exactly how I feel.
Son of a bitch! Hey.
Hey.
You okay? What do you care? Come on, Jake, you know I care.
I feel so stupid.
No.
You're not stupid.
You want to hear stupid? One time I drank an entire blueberry Slurpee in one slurp, had a three-hour brain freeze and my pee looked like Windex.
What the hell are you talking about? I don't know, I'm not real good with silence.
Just promise me you'll go back to the army.
Yeah, I'm going back.
Good.
Hey we did have some fun, though, right? Yeah, we did.
Well, just remember that part.
Good-bye, Jake.
Where am I gonna find another girl named Missi? Hey.
Hey.
Where's your new girlfriend? Ah, she's off for the day.
Where's your boyfriend? We kind of broke up.
How come? You know, I just thought I was coming here for a fun weekend, no strings attached, but then Jake told me that he loved me and I just couldn't say it back.
Ouch.
I wasn't trying to hurt him.
It's just he's not my soul mate.
Well, I hate to break it to you, but there is no such thing.
That's not true.
Everybody has a soul mate.
And when you find yours, it's like that feeling you get after the first big snowfall of the year.
You race outside to go sledding and you go to the top of the steepest hill you can find, and, you know, your heart starts racing and you get all sweaty, even though all your boogers are frozen over, and the next thing you know, you are zipping down Montague Street, laughing and crying all at the same time, and you never want it to end.
And that's what real love should feel like.
Nobody should settle for anything less.
Remember when I told you to shut up earlier? I'm sorry.
I know.
No.
Don't ever listen to me again.
'Cause that was awesome.
Where you going? I'm gonna go see if my girlfriend wants to really be my girlfriend.
And the People Whisperer strikes again.
And we're flying down the hill and you're all sweaty and there are, like, boogers frozen everywhere, and the point is, is I want to share that feeling with you.
For real.
I'm gay.
What? I like women.
For real? For real.
Wow.
You're a really good actor.
Thank you.
Hey, do you want to go to a movie tomorrow? Sure, yeah.
That sounds great.
Okay.
I love you.
Love you, too, honey! Men You all right, buddy? I'm fine.
It's okay to be upset.
I'm not upset.
Well if you were, I-I would understand.
I mean, you give yourself to somebody, you finally let down all your walls, and then they break your heart.
Yeah.
I'm really sorry you have to go through this.
I mean it just it kills me to see you in pain.
I mean, I-I know you're a soldier now, but you're still my little baby boy.
You know, I-I remember bringing you home from the hospital, wrapped in your fuzzy blue blanket.
I love you so much.
I just I-I just wish I hurt instead of you.
Dad it's okay.
No, no, it's not okay! It's not.
Maybe I should drive.
Yeah, yeah, that's a good idea.
Thank you.
All I'm saying is, you can't give up.
Your soul mate's out there.
Yeah, I don't know, Missi.
You just got to keep your eyes and your heart open.
You know, you never know where you're gonna find her.
She could be anywhere right now.
Hey, she might even be at a Costco, wearing a apron, passing out egg rolls, so you can sample the dipping sauce.
Little tip: avoid the Chinese mustard.
Feels good going in, not so good coming out.
Let's just hope I find her before I get old.
Ooh, then you better hurry up, Grandpa.
Hey, let's make a deal.
Next time you're in town, assuming you haven't found anyone and I haven't found anyone, what do you say that you and I Ew.
I was gonna say help each other find someone!